2 Broke Girls s01e09 Episode Script

Max.
It's the woman at table 2's 50th birthday and her husband wants us to sing to her.
If I had a dollar every time a man asked me to do something to his wife, I'd be a millionaire.
I remember when Happy Birthday first came up.
I never thought it would catch on.
Go! And smile.
When you fake smile, everybody else fakes smile back.
Nobody wants to hear that lame song.
If we want to humiliate her in public, why don't we go over there and pull her top down? Come on, let's just go sing and make the best of it.
Ready? One, two, three Happy birthday to you Whoa! I apologize.
It's hard enough your husband took you to a diner on your birthday and now you have to listen to white Mariah? No! Happy ***.
To yoooooooou I have announcement to make.
I agree with what Max said before.
What? That we should tie a little bell around you, so we know when you're near? The diner needs a fresh, new way to celebrate the customer birthday.
So I just went and wrote a special song.
Han, I'd be happy to look at what you've written so far.
I took music theory in college.
I once wrote an entire original musical based on the French revolution.
Um, sorry to step on your nerd turf, but Les Mis is already a musical about the French revolution.
Yes, but mine was from the point of view of the rich.
What are you going to rewrite next-- the musical rent from the point of view of the landlord? Han, this is a lovely start, but-- A lovely start? No, I mean, it's good.
But not good enough.
I know what you are saying.
"You need to practice more, Han.
"You never will be as good as your sister, Han.
"Whole family going on vacation without you while you practice, Han.
" Back off, tiger mom! Hey, Caroline, is Max around? Um, she might be.
I'll go check.
You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant.
You'll be very happy.
Gary, the fat guy from teen mom? Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.
Tyler, the skinny guy from teen mom? What's Johnny doing here? I told him not to show his face unless-- Unless he broke up with his girlfriend.
And now he's here, showing his face, - which means-- - You can't know that for sure.
Fine.
Tell me one other reason he could possibly be in here.
He needs Han to solve a complex math problem? Max! Max, it's pretty obvious that he's in here because he broke up with his girlfriend "Cassandra" I mean, what else could it be? When I had millions of dollars, I had no idea why guys were coming to see me.
"Do they want me, or do they want my money?" But you have nothing! So basically that just leaves you.
Way to puff me up before I go through that door.
This is so exciting.
Will you stop? Don't be such a girl.
Hair? Teeth? Anything? You're good.
Wait.
More.
- Really? - Trust me.
Oh, uh, hey, Johnny.
When did you get here? Uh, just now.
I, uh--I came here because I want to tell you something.
Yes? Max, I think you and I have something special.
And I don't want to lose that.
So I came down here to ask Even though it didn't work out, can we still be friends? - Oh.
- What? You have got to be kidding! Oh.
[Clears throat.]
What's going on over there, Caroline? My friend Johnny and I have no idea what you're upset about.
I was just reacting to the news that we're out of pie.
I really cannot believe it.
I totally thought it would go a different way.
Caroline Why don't you go over there to the pie carrousel and mourn the loss of our pie? So, we're cool? Yeah, we're cool.
Why wouldn't we be? We never dated or anything like that.
Of course we're friends.
I am so relieved.
So, uh, you gonna go back to busting my balls, like always? Yes.
[Laughs.]
We're such good friends, I might just Bust them with my feet! Good morning.
I'm trying to send out a get-to-know-us email blast for the cupcake business.
But your wi-fi is so slow.
Don't tell me-- tell cathyhome17, whoever and wherever she is.
Okay, well, I'm just going to run down to the coffee place and send it.
Do you approve? Nice job.
You just gave me a compliment? I knew it-- you're depressed.
You're so depressed about you and Johnny just being friends, you don't even have the energy to be you.
What? Oh, honey, do you want a hug? - I'm fine.
- How could you be fine? The man was so into you, he painted a billboard of the two of you kissing.
And now he just wants to be friends? Please call in sick to your babysitting job and take to the bed.
Whenever I used to get depressed, I'd take to the bed.
One time, I took to the bed for a week.
Listen, unlike you, Jane Austen, I will never take to the bed.
Giving into feelings is for rich people.
Regular people just have to get up, get drunk, and go fulfill their babysitting duties.
Max, take to the bed.
Look, this is my pattern, okay? I fall for the wrong guy, I find out they're with a girl, a bottle, or a needle, and I move on.
And sometimes I use a bottle to help me do it Or a needle or a girl.
But when I'm done, I'm done.
That's it? You're just over it? Wow.
I'm still sad because Kyle Enright didn't invite me on his private jet to Mykonos for his 12th birthday.
Well, not me.
Just flip a switch and those feelings are gone.
I only have two switches in my life-- one turns off my emotions, the other makes a car bounce.
Okay, I better go.
If you get there after 10:30, you can't hear yourself think over the sounds of people skyping to the Philippines.
Max, are you sure you're all right? Max.
Are you about to come over here and soft-touch me? - I want to so bad.
- Leave! Go to the coffee place.
Soft-touch the barista.
[Baking papers rustle.]
[Door closes.]
Excuse me, miss.
You keep your door open like that, this rat's probably going to get inside.
Don't worry.
You should see the size of my cat.
What are you doing here? I knew you'd be home for another hour, so I brought you coffee.
And I wanted to say Thanks for understanding the situation.
Hey, you don't need to get all "hallmark presents: Johnny soft eyes" on me.
Okay? You're not my type, anyway.
You're a bartender who's close to liquor all night and your not an alcoholic.
So clearly you don't know how to seize an opportunity.
Yes, I do.
+ This is where you join in birthday song with your sweet-ass saxophone.
Han, I like you, brother, but I played with everyone from Marvin Gaye to the gay Marvins.
They never made it--a little bit ahead of their time.
But if you don't mind a professional opinion, man, you've got to put some heart into this thing.
But my mother always say to run away from heart-- only the head can make music.
Han, your mother sounds like one cold-- Don't you talk about my mama! Hey, Earl.
What's up? I just got threatened by a man who gets carded at Pixar movies.
Max, great news-- that email blast I sent out this morning worked.
I just got us a big cupcake job at some event place called the gold space loft.
Last time I was at the gold space loft, I went to a poetry slam, and I wound up slamming a poet.
They need 100 cupcakes by tomorrow night.
And because I'm a genius, and also because it's such short notice-- but mostly because I'm a genius-- I got them up to $500.
It's a cool group art show-- very Williamsburg, very pot brownie.
And Johnny has a piece in it.
And since you flipped your switch, I figured it'd be fine.
No way.
I can't make Max, I know it's a lot of work, but I'll do whatever I can to help.
This is a really big opportunity for us.
I kissed Johnny.
What? When? He came by the apartment right after you left.
I was only gone 20 minutes.
What'd you do--shine a bat symbol on your vagina? Stop acting like I wanted it to happen.
I didn't want it to happen.
I'm lucky we just kissed.
My pants kept saying, "take me off!" And I'm like, "no, pants.
" I'm telling you, I almost couldn't help myself.
I don't understand.
I thought you said you were done with him.
What happened to your pattern? Telling people I have a pattern is part of the pattern.
Then I just go and do whatever I want.
I knew it, it thought it, I should have said it-- girls cannot be friends with guys.
Yeah, well, you also knew he was coming in here to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend.
So you can suck it.
Did he say he was going to break up with her? We didn't get into it.
We weren't really using our mouths for talking.
What do you think's going to happen? I don't know.
All I know is it's not going to happen at a public art show in front of him and his beautiful, cool British girlfriend.
Max, you don't even have to see them.
We'll get there early, we'll drop off the cupcakes, and be gone before any of the artists even show up.
Great.
I'm going home tonight after my ten-hour waitress shift, to stay up all night and bake 100 cupcakes for a guy I kissed who has a girlfriend.
Beep.
Ooh, what's that? My self-esteem just flatlined.
Yeah, it's this way.
I smell patchouli and pretension.
Why are you walking so slow? Because I'm carrying our cupcake future, and I don't want half of our future's frosting to be on top of the box.
Relax.
We still have time.
Oh, hello.
Welcome to space blast art attack.
The gallery won't be open for, like, an hour.
Actually, we're here delivering the cupcakes.
We're looking for someone named Traivor.
And I'm looking for Traivor's mom, to ask her why she named a person Traivor.
Traive! You girls can set up inside.
He's the one with the super-tall hat.
I love galleries.
My father and I had an art foundation.
We taught blind kids how to do ceramics.
Why didn't you just buy them eyes? Let's put them here.
This art show is ridiculous-- someone named Traivor, a dreamcatcher with buzzwords stuck in it.
And you.
Why would he hang that picture of us if he still has a girlfriend? Maybe he went home and broke up with her after he kissed you.
The writing is literally on the wall.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not falling for you again.
Let's just get our money and go.
Oh, uh Grown lady dressed like a doll, we can't find tall hat, and we need to get paid for the cupcakes and leave.
Leave? What are you talking about.
- You're serving the cupcakes.
- Pardon? Well, why do you think we're paying you $500 for cupcakes? Because my friend's a genius.
This is new information.
We need to talk to someone.
Traive! Oh, no.
Traive is busy installing his ice penis.
I could get someone else on the show committee to help.
Cashandra! What's his girlfriend doing here? [High-heels clunking.]
- Oh, God! What if soft eyes wussed out and told her what happened? - Does she look mad? - No, she looks amazing.
Max, hello.
We met that one time on the street.
Cashandra, Johnny's girlfriend.
Oh, hi, hi.
I'm Johnny's friend.
We're just friends.
Hi, "Cassandra.
" I'm Caroline.
I was with Max on the street.
And all day yesterday.
We were together every minute.
It's Cash-andra, actually.
But everyone calls me Cash.
And you're Max's business partner, right? Yeah, but she makes her own decisions.
Right.
Well, let's just get to it, shall we? I'm a bleeder.
It's brilliant it all worked out - with the cupcakes.
- Excuse me? Well, I told Traive to hire you for the show.
Johnny cannot stop talking about your cupcakes, Max.
"Max's cupcakes are so moist.
" "Max's cupcakes are delicious.
" He loves your cupcakes.
[Chuckling awkwardly.]
Yeah, yeah.
But just like in a casual way.
I mean, he barely even touched them.
So, um, I'm a bit busy getting ready for the show.
Why don't you put your little cupcakes on these trays, and when people start coming in, circulate, right? Circulate, girls, circulate.
Well, that wasn't uncomfortable.
Come on, let's bolt before Johnny gets here, while I at least have a shred of my dignity.
We can't just bail out of our first big job.
If we do, people will think we're flakes.
And that'll spread faster through Williamsburg than knit hats and herpes.
Hey, you ladies know where the wine goes? - Oh-- - Right here.
Yeah.
+ No! Just, uh, not the wine.
The wine's mine.
Just serving cupcakes.
I've been listening in on Cashandra and her girlfriends' conversations, and I don't think she knows anything happened between you two.
I also learned she's a dancer, her lip gloss is from Kiehl's, and she's school chums with Adele.
Not the Adele.
Damn it! Could she be any cooler? I want her to be my girlfriend.
I wouldn't break up with her for me.
Hi.
I'm here.
Great.
I was hoping tonight would get weirder.
I had no idea.
She did it to surprise me.
And she did-- I'm surprised.
I am so sorry.
You have a girlfriend.
Why are you kissing Max? You told her? Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Would the more subtle way be to paint a picture and hang it on the wall for all to see? Are you insane? Could we have a moment, please? Fine.
I'll be over there near the ice penis.
Look, I am so sorry.
If I had known Cash was going to ask you to do all of this, I would have told you.
And why would you choose to hang that? 'Cause it's my favorite piece.
Is there any way she could know what happened? No.
- Oh, my God.
Your lips.
- Split up.
I can smell the sex from across the room.
No-whoa-whoa! I need all those.
So what? Is she still your girlfriend? Max, it's complicated.
What, are we on Facebook? It is complicated.
Cash and I have been together two years, - and when-- - Two years? Jeez, I'm a home wrecker.
Adele will probably write a song about me.
You're not a homewrecker.
- I am.
- Johnny! You've got some folks.
Circulate, Max, circulate.
That's it.
This is over.
That--us on the wall-- never happens again.
I lied.
I can't be your friend.
I was trying to be cool, but I'm not cool.
I don't know Adele.
What just happened over there? Did he tell you he's breaking up with his girlfriend? No.
What's wrong with you? You haven't been right about anything? I told him we are done, and that's over, okay? They've been together two years.
And I know one thing about me-- I may pick the wrong guys, but when I hear another woman is involved, I am done.
This is truly the end of my pattern.
We have to go-- I kissed Johnny again.
What? Max, you said you were going to the bathroom.
I did.
And so did he.
It's a unisex bathroom-- emphasis on the sex.
We have to go.
I'm a little drunk and out of control.
Traive said we won't get paid until every single one of the cupcakes is gone.
- So we're stuck here.
- Fine.
I shall go circulate.
No.
You cannot be trusted.
Next thing I know, you'll be doing him behind the ice penis.
I'm telling you, I am done.
You told me that five minutes ago.
Well, you told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend three times.
So I guess we learned tonight that you know nothing about him, and I know nothing about me.
Cheers! Wait for me.
Hello, girls.
Traivor told me you were looking to get paid.
But just to be clear, you can't actually be paid until all the cupcakes are gone.
And do me a favor, love, put a chocolate aside for Johnny.
He loves chocolate.
He'll eat a vanilla if it's available, but he always goes back to chocolate.
I don't think he's going to break up with her.
Really? You have the accuracy rate of a magic 8 ball.
[Scoffs.]
Look at her.
She's so pretty.
And bitchy.
And More pretty than bitchy.
Oh, God.
She just zipped his hoodie and fixed his hair-- that's a couple.
What they have is real.
They are a couple-- Johnny and Cash.
Oh-ho, crap! Johnny Cash! They're an institution.
I never had a chance.
Forget the money-- let's just go.
Mm-mmm.
We are staying till these cupcakes are gone.
I am not leaving with no dignity and no money.
Fine, I'll circulate a couple more times.
Wait a minute.
They said they had to be gone, but they didn't say who had to make them gone.
We eat them and go! You're doing it! I rescued you from the gutter.
Uh, well, that's not entirely accura-- Both: [Laughing.]
Mm-hmm! Both: [Laughing.]
Mmm, mmm.
- [Growling.]
- [Riotous laugh.]
Max, wake up.
It's 3:00.
We forgot to set the alarm.
[Grunting.]
Oh, I never thought waking up in bed with another woman withFrosting on my boobs, would be this depressing.
How are you feeling about it all today? Do you want to talk? - No.
- Good.
Where's your purse? I'm going to take some of the money we made last night and get coffee.
And yes-- I am walking down the street like this, because after last night, I am impenetrable to shame.
Wait, we don't have any money.
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't.
We did, but we don't.
I bought something with it.
I bought this.
You carried that home? Where was I? Three blocks ahead of me, telling strangers about your pattern.
I saw you and Johnny just hanging there, and I knew what I had to do.
So what, am I supposed to hang that up? No.
You're supposed to destroy it.
You need to get over him, so you're going to kick this, and then you're going to kick him once and for all.
You want to break your pattern? Start by breaking the painting.
That is a complete waste of money.
I may have been wrong about everything else about Johnny, but I'm right about this.
Come on.
Kick it.
I can't.
- Give me your foot.
- What? Lift up your leg.
Yay! You did it.
Good for you! You broke a painting and maybe your pattern.
I really liked him.
I know.
Well? I slept through my day job, so what the heck? I think I will take to the bed or whatever.
Just for like 20 minutes.
I'll set my alarm and then I'll get up and get ready for work.
Max, please, I feel like we need a hug.
We just slept together! You women are so needy.
[Distant police siren wails.]
[Cash register bell dings.]