9JKL (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Hi, Nick.
Dang, Mrs.
Roberts, you got that pre-vacation glow.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Nicholas.
Someone just upped his holiday bonus.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't do it for the tips.
Sexy just recognize sexy.
Where are you and Mr.
Roberts off to this weekend? Oh, we're celebrating our anniversary at a resort in Connecticut I've been wanting to go to.
I hear Barbra Streisand goes there.
I don't know who that is.
I'll make you a cassette.
I don't know what that is.
- I'm ready to go.
(COUGHING) - Wow, Mr.
Roberts, you look like the first ten seconds of a NyQuil commercial.
- I'm fine.
- He's fine.
I could be sick here or I could be sick there.
Yeah, you can be sick there it's nonrefundable.
Here is a little health tip: mix decongestant and a little bit of whiskey, knock that cold right on out.
Oh, it'll also give you the energy to record your first album in one night.
Available on my website.
(COUGHING) Hey, Nick.
Who's ready for their big anniversary? Whoa.
Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.
- He's fine.
I've seen fine and this is not what it looks like.
Out of the way.
Professional doctor coming through.
Okay, let me see your tongue.
Oh, boy.
What we have here is a little seasonal influenza.
Wow, that very obvious diagnosis only cost Dad 150 grand in med school bills.
You need to stay in bed and drink plenty of fluids.
What if he stays in the car and I park by the sprinklers? I'm sorry, Dad, there is absolutely no way you can travel.
But Mommy's wanted to go to this place for ten years.
It's all right, I'll go in another ten years.
You can spread my ashes there.
I can't believe that I've ruined this weekend for your mom.
Dad, it's not your fault you got sick.
Mommy says it is.
Ugh.
If only there was someone who could take your place.
Someone who doesn't have a job, love life, or any other commitments to prevent him from joining her.
No.
No.
No way.
No, I am not going on vacation alone with my mother.
But, Josh, it'll make her so happy, and it'll make me feel less guilty.
Come on, Josh, this could be his last wish.
I thought it was just the flu.
- Do you want him to go or not? - Josh, please.
It's my last wish.
Oh, okay.
Okay, fine, I will do it.
Mom? What now? Are they closing my favorite Chico's? No.
I was just wondering if I could take Dad's place and join you on your vacation.
Oh, sweetie, that's okay, I know you're busy.
No, no, no, we've already debunked that.
Really, Mom.
I want to go.
No.
You don't have to.
Okay, if you really don't want me - I'll meet you downstairs.
- Yeah.
Uh, bro, you know how when you go on a weekend with a chick, I want all the details? Yeah, this is not one of those times.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Oh, look at this place it's gorgeous.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- JUDY: Hello.
- Welcome to Cabot Hill Inn.
And whom do I have the pleasure of checking in today? It should be under Roberts.
Uh, yes.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Roberts.
Uh, technically yes, but obviously we're not Oh, no judgments here actually, it's quite refreshing to see an older woman with a younger man for once.
- Well, thank you.
- Why would you say "thank you"? - She's my mother.
- Yes, she is.
Get it, girl.
(CHUCKLES) I have you for two nights in a garden view room.
- May I escort the lovely couple? - Mm-hmm.
We're not a couple.
(WHISPERS): I don't like labels, either.
Um, what the hell is this? It's all part of your Lovers Package.
Our what? Harry must have booked this to surprise me.
Some guests have been known to repurpose the rose petals by sprinkling them in the bathtub.
Okay, it was me.
First off, thanks, but we won't be partaking in the Lovers Package.
You sure? It's already paid for.
And it comes with a lot of perks.
- Sorry, but we're not - Uh, quiet, lover.
What kind of perks? For one, you get a hundred-dollar-a-day credit to spend anywhere at the resort, which I recommend using at our four-star restaurant.
Although we do have an excellent room service selection should you prefer to stay in.
First off, she is my mother, I am her son.
I am here instead of my father because he's sick.
That's a long way to go to get her to call you Daddy, but okay.
You doing okay there, Dad? Andrew, is that you? Here, I'm gonna take your temperature.
I'll take my pants off.
No, no, no, no.
With this.
It goes in your ear.
What's the temperature? I don't know, I haven't gotten through all the hair yet.
(THERMOMETER BEEPS) Well, your fever's actually gone down.
Here.
Have some soup.
It looks like it's from a can.
I wanted the kind my mom used to make.
How am I supposed to know how to make Nana's soup? I'll tell you the recipe.
Come closer.
It hurts to talk.
(GROANS) All right, fine, but (SNEEZES LOUDLY) (GRUNTS) Ma.
You never let us touch the minibar.
I once opened a bag of caramel corn, and you said I ruined Europe.
Yes, but here we get a hundred-dollar daily credit, so I am currently enjoying something called a Fresca.
All right.
Let's see if we can hit a hundred exactly, huh? It'll be a fun game.
All right.
These look good.
No, not the fancy nuts! Too expensive.
Here, have some gum only five dollars.
Such a fun game.
So, get a load of the activities on the Lovers Package.
Yeah, let's go ahead and avoid the word "lovers" for the rest of the weekend.
Champagne brunch, tango dancing, karaoke oh, we can do a couples duet! - How about a couples do-not? - Oh Lighten up.
There's nothing romantic about this.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES): That must be our first activity.
An in-room couples massage.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, just keep your eyes closed, you won't even know I'm here.
Oh, yeah, right there, yes! Oh, that's it, that's it, that's it! Oh! Bro, I got to get out of here.
You do not want to come home, trust me.
Taking care of dad is a nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I heard Mom have an orgasm.
Dad sneezed in my mouth, and it had a flavor.
Everyone here thinks we're a couple.
Everyone everywhere thinks that.
They just don't say it to your face.
Andrew, I'm serious.
I'm leaving.
So soon? Got to go.
Hi, there.
Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop.
I just was.
Right.
So you're leaving, huh? I thought you just got here.
I did, and I'm not leaving.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm Josh.
- Natalie.
Hi.
So, what brings you to the Cabot Hill Inn, Natalie? - Bachelorette party.
- Ah.
My brother's marrying a 23-year-old froyo artist.
And I am stuck here sharing the honeymoon suite with ten of her sorority sisters.
- Oh.
- Can you think of anything worse? I can.
Sharing a room with your mom.
Oh, my God, can you even imagine? (CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY) I don't have to imagine.
Oh, wow.
You're here with your mom.
Uh-huh.
(WOMEN WHOOPING) Oh, they whoo'd.
That's, uh, bachelorette for "time to chug champagne while wearing a penis crown.
" Wow, I didn't realize I was in the presence of royalty.
(LAUGHS) So, maybe I'll see you around.
Definitely.
I'll be the guy with the mom.
(LAUGHS): Okay.
Bye.
- Mom? - Be right out.
So, guess what just happened Wait.
Where's the cot I ordered? Oh, they ran out.
Something about 12 girls sleeping in one room.
That's what you're wearing to bed? Listen, this was supposed to be my anniversary weekend with your father.
You're lucky I'm wearing anything.
So, put on your jammies what are you waiting for? My life to make sense.
You know, I think I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Oh, don't be ridiculous when you were little, you used to love to sleep in the bed with us.
Then you started high school, it wasn't cool anymore.
So, anyway, I was just in the lobby, and I met Joshie, do you remember the last time we went away together, just you and me? It was Hershey Park.
You were ten years old.
Now it's 30 years later, and I just want to say how much it means to me that you want to spend this time with me.
Mm-hmm.
Cool, cool.
So, I was in the lobby You know, the reality is, this is probably the last trip we'll ever take alone together.
Yeah, you're gonna meet someone and build a life, and I just want you to know, it's a real gift that you want to make me your priority for these two days.
(VOICE BREAKS): I'm gonna cherish every moment.
So, what were you saying about the lobby? Oh, I, uh Doesn't matter.
Okay.
So come get into bed with your mother.
There's just something so delicious about a waffle they're forced to make in front of you.
I don't know about you, but I'm having a wonderful time.
I am so glad.
Cheers.
(GLASSES CLINKING) We're not kissing again! We're not a couple! It's complicated.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? I'm going to, uh, get some more coffee.
You don't have any coffee.
Well, if I get some, that'll be more.
Hey, Natalie.
How was your wild bachelorette night? Oh, it was pretty wild.
Yeah, in fact, Officer Nasty came to break things up, but turns out he was not a member of the police force.
Really? Did the pink fuzzy handcuffs give him away? (LAUGHS): They did.
So, what's your plan for today? I was about to hit the hot tub.
If you have time, join me.
Let me think about that for a second.
I will be right there.
I see you.
I see you.
So, we have an hour and a half until our couples meditation what should we do? Well, I was thinking that maybe we could spend just a little time apart? Why? Okay.
Uh, the truth is I mean, isn't the whole point to spend time together? What could be more important than that? Nothing in the world, ever, except maybe the women's tennis clinic.
You were just saying how you wanted to work on your backhand.
Yeah, I'd sure like to beat that loudmouth, Carol Mendelson.
She's become so cocky since she got her new hip.
Great.
Well, it starts in 15 minutes Oh, my God so you'd better go get changed.
- I will take care of the bill.
- All right.
Don't forget to put it on our daily credit, and BOTH: Write it in the ledger.
Got it.
I'll, uh, I'll see you in the meditation room - in 90 minutes.
- All right.
Hey.
How's it going in the sick ward? Not good.
My father just made me put VapoRub on his chest, and when my hand came up, it looked like the Wolfman.
(COUGHING) Are you sick? What? Of course not.
I don't get sick.
I have a superior immune system.
(COUGHING) Oh, honey.
Do not come home.
I don't want you getting the baby sick.
I'm not sick.
I (COUGHS) Oh, my God.
Is this what it feels like to be mortal? Andrew, I just coughed something up, and I think it's something I need.
Aw.
Hi.
Hi.
So, how was tennis? Not great.
I missed you the whole time.
- Oh - What were you doing? Soaking in the hot tub.
By myself.
(MEDITATION BOWL DINGS) For the next hour, I will lead you in a guided meditation.
Please begin by covering your eyes.
Mmm INSTRUCTOR: Listen to your breath.
Feel your body in the room.
(SIGHS): Ah I can't believe I have to go meet my mom.
You really know how to end a make-out sesh.
What are you doing later? Well, the other bachelorettes are going to another strip club.
See, last night they got arrested by Officer Nasty, so tonight they have a court date with Judge Johnson.
Anyway, I have the room all to myself, so So, I should probably come keep you company, which I can do and I can't believe I'm about to say this after I tuck my mother into bed.
(LAUGHS) Shall we? Hey, where's your rollaway bed? Oh.
Uh Do they come and take it away every morning? Yes, that's exactly what they do.
(MEDITATION BOWL DINGS) Ah While you're up, can you get me some tea? I'm not up.
But while you're up, could you get me some more Kleenex? If you're getting Kleenex, I can really use some tea.
(GROANS) Hey.
Just checking in.
Oh, Eve, thank God! We need Kleenex and tea.
Actually, I could use some tea, too.
So that's two teas, Kleenex Is there anything else, Dad? You-you want her to make Nana's soup? I could really go for some Nana's soup.
Guys, I-I'm sorry, but I just got off a long shift, and I got to let Wyatt's sitter go.
(WHINING): Please, I need that specific soup I just learned about.
Wow.
I'm a pediatrician, and you're literally a bigger baby than any of my patients.
I'm not a baby.
You're a baby.
Good one.
Okay, I'll go ask the sitter to stay longer.
(GROANS) You're sure you don't feel well enough for karaoke? (WEAKLY): Sadly, I don't.
I don't feel right about going.
I'll stay here and take care of you.
No.
No.
The best medicine for me is you having fun at karaoke.
(COUGHING) You go.
Go.
I'll stay here and rest.
All right.
I'm gonna sing "You're Always on My Mind," because you are.
And then I'll sing "Baby Got Back," because I do.
(DOOR CLOSES) Wow, Mrs.
Roberts, you killed that "Baby Got Back" solo.
I'll charge this to your room.
Yes, just put it on our daily credit.
Oh.
That's been exceeded.
No, that's not possible I know for a fact that I have $13.
47 left.
I had $19.
81 left, but I bought a Toblerone, and a Zantac.
Well, our system shows that the last of the credit was just used for two beers at the lobby bar.
That's why I don't date the young ones.
They always hurt you.
Can I just say thank you for being so cool about me having to spend time with my mom.
Seriously, I bet she was happy my dad got sick so she could guilt me into coming.
But now I'm glad I came.
- Is that so? - Oh.
Mom.
You think I guilted you into coming? You asked to come.
Did you just hear a whoo? I think I heard a whoo.
You know, I better go check.
Well yeah, when I asked to come, I was just playing along with your little game.
What game? - The one where you act like you don't want me to do the thing we both know you desperately want me to do.
I wasn't playing a game.
You said you wanted to join me.
Apparently, that was a lie.
- Look, I didn't mean to - Aw, save it.
And don't follow me.
I can't even look at you.
My throat hurts.
My chest hurts.
- Eve! - Eve! Yes, I get it you're sick, you're very, very sick.
- So here is your blanket.
- Ah.
Here's your warm water with lemon.
And I'm done taking care of (BOTH SNEEZE LOUDLY) (ANDREW GROANING) Welcome aboard.
- Mom? - Wow, took you long enough.
You told me not to follow you.
Well, obviously, I wanted you to follow me.
You see? This is the game I was talking about.
Okay, so sometimes I play the game, but I was genuinely thrilled to spend time with you this weekend, because I thought you wanted to spend time with me.
Ma, I did.
But then I met Natalie.
Well, you could've told me instead of tricking me and sneaking around.
You're right.
I should have.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
All right.
Thank you.
Anything else you're sorry for? I'm sorry I took this special time with you for granted.
That's nice.
But I was hoping you'd say you were sorry for pushing us over the hundred-dollar daily limit.
I am sorry for that, too.
- Okay? - Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Now go and see your new friend.
I will, after you and I do karaoke.
Oh, you don't want to do karaoke with me.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't have to.
- Mom, please do karaoke - You got to admit this is a fun game.
You.
After we get better, we should burn this couch.
It's not already burning? I feel so hot.
(SHIVERING): Really? I'm freezing.
All right, all right, all right.
Dr.
Nick is making a house call with three doses of his patented feel-better party juice.
Now the whiskey's gonna burn at first, but that just means it's working.
And then we're gonna cool it off with this cold medicine, okay? (CHUCKLES) Side effects may include: (SNAPS FINGERS) Mm-hmm Mixed in with a little bit of: Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
Bottoms up.
- (WHOOPS LOUDLY) - (ANDREW GROANS) - Oh, oh, oh - Ugh Oh, here comes the side effects.
Ah, damn.
Ah, damn.
BOTH: Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between How can we be wrong Sail away with me To another world Making - Making love To each other, uh-huh From one lover to another Uh-huh