A.P. Bio (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Hallelujah, Glory Hallelujah .
I'm gonna praise His name [GROANS.]
Glory, Hallelujah, gonna make His praises reign Everybody, Lord, walk by His side Every step you've got I don't care what the world may do I'm gonna praise His [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
What? Hello.
I'm here to see Rosemary.
Yeah.
She's dead.
[MAN SOBBING.]
Wait a second.
Who the hell are you? And what's with the box of rubbers? I'm so sorry I didn't know.
I'm an old friend of Rosemary's.
I thought I'd surprise her, 'cause, you know, it's her birthday.
Yeah, I know it's her birthday.
She's my dead mom.
What I don't know still is what's with the rubbers? Were you banging my mom? Well, yes, but she was a lot more than a fanny-call.
You mean "booty"? I suppose I do.
I suppose I mean "booty.
" I didn't know she'd passed.
We met years ago at the Little Drywood Rodeo and sort of took up with each other.
Whenever I come to town on business, I'd look Rosemary up and we'd We'd comfort each other.
Repeatedly, all over the house.
Oh, God.
Jack? Jack! Please! We both loved her.
Wrongo, Father time.
I loved her.
I've never even heard of you.
And how do you know my name? Rosemary talked a lot about you.
May I ask, what have you planned to celebrate her today? Yeah, I, uh, I don't celebrate dead people's birthdays.
Here's a fun secret: They don't mind.
We could visit her grave, maybe have a good cry together.
It's important to let these things out.
Uh-huh.
In case you change your mind.
- Brandon? - One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart All right, everyone shut up and finish shutting up fast.
I've had a very icky morning.
Top ten ickiest of all time.
So I'm sitting there, enjoying my shower, this old guy shows up at my door, unannounced, looking to bang my dead mom.
And as if that wasn't gross enough, the guy's name was Brandon.
Yeah, Brandon.
I mean, we're talking about an old Brandon.
Now, this dude was old.
Must be the first in the New World.
Anyway, this creep shows up at my door, inviting me to some sort of crying ritual for my dead mom's birthday.
What are you talking about, man? Old Brandon, I do not need to cry.
[BABIES CRYING.]
Tempting to plow right past this, but, fine, I'll bite.
What's with the stupid dolls? These are infant simulators from health class.
They have to be fed, burped, cuddled, changed regularly, or otherwise they cry.
They're perfect replicas in every way, except we can't bathe them.
This project was totally forced upon us.
I'm so busy with everything I already do; I can't add a baby to it.
You're, uh, gripping that little baby's skull pretty tightly there, Sarika.
I have tried all of the cuddle configurations in the manual and none of them work.
No, no.
I will not be sidetracked by this.
Today's mission is to retaliate against Old Brandon.
This old bitch dropped a bombshell on my life, and I vow to pay him back in kind.
At the risk of incurring your wrath Don't you think you should consider genuinely commiserating with this man? I mean, you obviously have some unresolved issues about your mom.
What? Where you getting that from? You seem very glib about how she's Dead? [BABY CRIES.]
Yeah, well, that is the adjective that best describes her.
I'd say you guys should be more concerned if I start describing her as "alive" or "mommy who resides in the attic.
" Besides [SCOFFS.]
even if I did have feelings about this, I wouldn't need some sort of hokey grieving ceremony to get over them.
My therapist said you need to find a healthy outlet for your feelings, otherwise you'll act out.
For me, it was annihilating mailboxes.
I don't need help with my dead mom's birthday.
I need personal bombshells that will rock Old Brandon's world.
[THUD.]
[BABIES CRYING.]
Ugh.
This is this is untenable.
No, come on.
Grab your babies, and I want you to throw them in the closet right now, guys Or you get an F.
Mr.
Griffin, these simulators measure how well we take care of them.
If we abandon them in a closet, we'll get an F in Health.
What? Threatening "F" s is my thing.
I Screw this.
Gonna go talk to Durbin.
[BABIES CRYING.]
Hi, Dale.
You didn't have to do that.
Oh, well, you shouldn't have to pick up trash someone throws on the floor.
No one has ever said that to me before.
Here it goes.
Uh, Miss Stef, fair warning: I'm coming at ya.
- Oh.
- I, uh Would very much like to buy you a drink sometime.
Maybe go bowling or something.
- Like, as friends? - No, ma'am.
This would be a full-on romantic date.
Perfect version of it ends in some kissing.
Um, you know what, actually, I just got this really expensive manicure, so I really should not be bowling.
Well, then, simply do me the courtesy of watching me throw a few frames and then we could adjourn into the game room for some Big Buck Hunter and an appetizer sampler.
And honestly, if bowling is the issue, I have other ideas.
We could go to the movies or go to the zoo.
- I could show you the roof.
- Listen, Dale, I gotta be honest.
I would I would never go on a date with you.
Because, um, my best friend, Mary, she has a huge crush on you.
- Art room Mary? - Yep.
- Korean American? - Yep.
- This tall? - Yep.
- Eats lunch with you? - Mm-hmm.
Always goes, "Huh?" That Mary, yes.
I think I know who you're talking about.
Didn't know she had a crush on me.
So it would violate Girl Code for me to date her crush.
So, uh, it just can't happen.
But thank you for your service.
It smells good in here.
Thank you very much.
[SIGHS.]
This is my class.
Why can't I talk about safe sex? Look, Michelle, this is coming from above, really, okay? And I think it's good that students feel how hard it is to have a baby.
You know, I don't have any babies, but I've been in a restaurant where one is screaming, and it's like, no.
Ralph, you know these robot babies? - They suck! - Ding, ding, ding.
- Exactly.
- Yeah, you gotta shut this down, man.
I need my kids focused on Uh Pass the A.
P.
test? Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, perfect.
The A.
P.
te The babies are messing up test prep.
You know what, guys, there's nothing I can do here.
I mean, Ohio is back to abstinence-only education.
- Our - Come on.
I need to give these kids condoms.
Ralph, they work.
Otherwise Keith and I would have 100 or so kids.
Maybe two-hundy.
Okay, Michelle, thank you for being so open, but the only thing that we're allowed to say about condoms is that they are 2% ineffective and everyone is watching you while you buy them.
So our only option is to scare these kids off of sex entirely.
Ralph.
Ralph, Ralph.
My kids are in no danger of getting laid, okay? They do not need a sex deterrent, trust me.
If anybody needs a sex deterrent, it's wrinkly old gigolos who travel from town to town, seducing innocent old moms who just want to enjoy a nice day at the rodeo.
That's all they want.
- Eh - [BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE.]
Has that been happening? I don't recognize this country anymore.
If we're gonna settle the score with Old Brandon, we're gonna have to divide and conquer.
All right, B-squad's got the babies under control.
A-squad, let's hear what you've got on devastating Old Brandon.
Just tell him that your mom slept with everyone on the block.
Come on, Anthony, I can't use that.
All right, keep in mind, this is a bombshell that's gonna be dropped at her grave.
And today's her birthday? And it's her birthday, Anthony.
Show some respect.
You know, sometimes I get mad because I don't want to be sad.
Cool, Dan.
So what? I'm just saying maybe you're really sad.
About your mom's birthday.
You know what's really sad is watching you guys trying to analyze me with your unfinished brains.
Somebody give me something I can use, please.
Heather, go.
Two words: sucker punch.
All right, that's in the right area.
Can't do that, though.
Fighting an old man's kind of what got me banished at Toledo in the first place.
Come on, guys! Come on! Don't you care that this man banged my mom? - Son of a bitch! - Seems like you're being a bit of a prude.
A prude? Well, that's not possible.
How could I be a prude when I have had sex with ALL: Twenty-four women.
- We get it.
- Do you? Mr.
Griffin, I think I have something.
Despite being in B-squad, I have discovered that Old Brandon has a daughter here in Toledo.
Sadie Rodonski.
A personal injury lawyer.
You know what, this could actually be perfect.
I could tell his daughter about his disgusting affair with my dead mom.
She'd be completely yucked out just like I was.
It'll ruin all their family dinners for the rest of their lives.
Even Steven.
That doesn't sound even.
That just sounds like harassing a stranger.
Uh, yes, hi.
I have been severely personally injured.
I'd like to speak to your top attorney, please.
No, no, no.
Not her.
Get me Sadie Rodonski.
All right, Mr.
Griffin.
Thanks for waiting.
Let's see if we can get you paid.
So what is the nature of your injury? Well, I have been severely grossed out.
Severely grossed out? Unfortunately, yeah, to the max.
Sadie, I hate to spring this on you, but our old parents [LAUGHS.]
well, they, uh, they they put their stuff all over each other.
Oh, my God.
Are you Rosemary's kid? Wait a minute, you already know about this? Yes.
Damn it.
I I was hoping to devastate you to get back at your dad.
Oh, my God.
I totally get that.
I mean, I hated your mom when I found out.
They got together, like, eight weeks after my mom's funeral.
Oh, ouch.
So your mom's dead too, huh? She's dead.
Yeah, sounds like your dad's got a type.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Almost-dead people.
So what was this plan? I mean, did you just want me to get me to picture these two white raisins stuck together so I'd pick a fight with my dad? Yeah, that was pretty much it.
Yeah, that's pretty conniving.
So I guess you're not just a face.
You've got a brain too.
Oh, yeah, I got a big old brain.
Yeah, PhD from Harvard.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
You know, I just thought of a really fun way that we could get back at our folks.
Lock the door.
For real? You sure? Devastate me.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[BABY CRYING.]
I'll get the art room today.
Oh, okay, just 'cause they gave you the keys, you my boss now? Hans? Oh, hey, Dale.
What's up? Oh, boy.
Uh, let me stop you right there.
You are clearly a good and kind person who deserves happiness with someone.
But I am not that someone.
And you have to get that through your head.
- Huh? - The best thing for you to do is just forget about me.
You can tell your parents we're dating, if that's helpful.
What the crap just happened? [BABIES COOING.]
- [THUD.]
- [BABIES CRYING LOUDLY.]
Twenty-five, bitches.
Yeah, after a very productive meeting with Sadie Rodonski this morning, I have now had sex with 25 women.
And I am armed with a bombshell that is going to destroy Old Brandon's life.
So you just had sex before work? Yeah, man.
Are you prepared for the consequences? She could get pregnant.
- No, we were safe.
- We were safe.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I think I think we'll be fine.
Are you guys in love? The sperm can't crack the lady's eggshell unless they're in love.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow, you guys really do need Sex Ed.
Plus, you're focused on the wrong part, man.
I have my bombshell.
This is great.
All I have to do now is call Old Brandon, arrange to meet him at my mom's grave, and then [IMITATES BOMB WHISTLING.]
[EXPLOSION BOOMING.]
Is this healthy? Using sex as a weapon seems extreme, even for you.
Marcus, I'm not using sex as a weapon.
I'm using the fact that I happened into organic, consensual, wonderful love-making as a tool to destroy my enemy.
Plus, Saddie and I are cool, man.
You know, we're having drinks on Friday, so, yeah.
Now, if guys will excuse me, I'm gonna call the old letch.
[BABIES SCREAMING.]
Guys, just let him go.
He's being self-destructive.
So what? I already deal with this brat.
I can't care of another one.
At what age do you think we'll start "happening into organic, wonderful love-making"? I don't think we're those kind of guys.
Oh, yeah, man.
I'm so down to grieve.
Yeah, you know, I need this for my heart.
Yeah, no, I'll meet you right there.
I'll meet you right at the gravestone.
We'll turn on the waterworks.
It's gonna be great.
Hey, Mary.
You know, let's eat lunch in my car today.
All these crying babies got my womb twitching.
Mm-hmm.
Just give a minute.
And by the way, so I might have told Dale the janitor that you might have a crush on him.
He asked me out, and I kind of panicked.
Oh, well, this explains a lot.
He just came in here and shot me down, hard.
Like, out of nowhere.
Mary, I am so sorry.
See, this is my fault.
I'm gonna go.
I don't have time to be mad at you.
He took it way too far.
I'm gonna hook him and then dump him on his ass.
This here is a janitor trap.
See, tonight, Dale's gonna come in and spot this $5 bill sitting conspicuously on my trashcan.
- That's the bait.
- Okay.
And now you know he's gonna dive right now, rooting around for more.
Greedy little pig.
But what we'll find instead is a selection of carefully curated items, which you might call sexy trash.
Such as a flattering photo of moi.
Yeah.
The novel "Dune.
" All guys like that.
A yoga award for most flexible.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
And then just some old regular trash so he feels good about doing his job.
Once he gets all thirsty, that dirty like dastard's gonna come running back to mama, begging for a drink, which I'll be delighted to deny him.
This is a lot, Mary.
Okay? I mean, I would have just keyed his car.
Well, I teach Art, Stef.
I like crafts.
Hey.
I know we started off on a bad foot.
And I'm glad you decided to come.
Yeah.
Well, you really threw me for a loop there, you know.
But it's okay, it's fine.
So, no big.
Uh, you wanna get this thing going or what? Oh, would you like to start by saying a few words about your mom? Uh, no, you know what, I think it's better if you go first.
I want to go last.
You go first.
Go, go, go.
Oh, well, after my wife died, I didn't think I'd ever feel passion - Right.
- Again.
But my heart found its feet once more with Rosemary.
I banged your daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
Why aren't you reacting? Did I break your old brain? Well, color me not surprised.
You two are a couple of hot tamales.
I'm glad the two of you found comfort in each other's arms.
You know, that's your daughter, you sleaze.
I'm what you call "sex positive.
" Daughters have sex, Jack.
So do mothers.
And it seems our families generate some pretty potent sexual chemistry.
God, will you shut up? Look, you're bound to feel big feelings here at this place.
It's okay to let it out, Jack.
Huh? Come on, son.
It's okay to cry.
Ooh! - [SMACK.]
- Oh! - Ah! - What are you doing, Jack? - Stop! - [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
These babies are getting out of hand, Ralph.
The students aren't sleeping, the parents are complaining.
And all the other teachers hate me! Okay, Alyssa, Alyssa.
I'm sure they don't hate you.
Coach Novak threw a dirty diaper at my head.
Which I'm now realizing must have been from his nephew or something, which means he drove to school with it.
I'll talk to Dick, all right? But for now, we got to tough it out with these babies, for the next couple of days.
They're not responding to the soothing techniques anymore.
I think there's something really wrong with them, Ralph.
Okay, I may have gone outside official supply lines to get a discount, but when the guy sold them to me, he said they were slightly irregular.
I assumed that meant it was how their fingers looked like tiny penises.
I didn't know they were gonna malfunction.
Well, they are, Ralph.
What are we gonna do? [SHUDDERS.]
Oh, God.
Sorry.
It looks like Willem Dafoe.
[BABY CRYING.]
Oh.
It's a compliment.
- [BABIES CRYING.]
- It says this should work.
Why isn't it working? I can't swaddle any tighter.
[SINGING.]
Can't find my sucky food juice can.
Stupid mom brain.
Hey, hold on to my grade for a second while I stop by my locker.
Latch on, damn it.
Latch on.
Shut up! Shut up your silly cybernetic offspring.
Whoa, did you get in a fight? At your mom's grave? Yeah, Old Brandon frickin' decked me.
But get this, guys: I told him I boinked his daughter; he didn't give a hoot.
Stupid hippie thought it was neat.
So why did he knock you around then? Well, because I tried to sucker punch him, Heather.
And how are old men so strong? I mean, this guy had the grip strength of an orangutan.
- It was insane.
- Shh! [BABIES SCREAMING.]
[SHUSHING AGGRESSIVELY.]
Seriously, shut those babies up.
We can't! They won't stop.
This is how the world is now.
Mother of God.
The sound is burrowing into my brain.
- It's worse than Marcus.
- Hey, that's unfair.
Unfair? I am the bereaved party here.
Some traveling pervert steals my mom's birthday from me and then has the grey-haired balls to tell me how to deal with her death? Give me the babies.
Just give me all the babies.
Stupid thing.
Come on, give it to me.
Give this to me.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, guys.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, yep, all the babies.
I'm gonna deal with this baby problem right now.
[BABIES CRYING.]
Give me that.
Gimme, gimme.
Gimme babies.
Throw it in.
Baby.
Here we go.
Anthony, what the hell? Where's my baby? Mr.
Griffin sort of took it.
Took it where? He took them all.
We're free.
But I'll get an F in Health.
My baby! My baby! [BABIES CRYING IN DISTANCE.]
- No! - It's okay, Sarika.
There's no more assignment.
We can't be graded on any of this now.
All quiet.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
No more grades? It's over.
There we go.
Whoo! That was the ticket right there.
I feel refreshed, you know? Nothing like a dip sometimes.
So, uh, what do you guys want to do? Go back to class? Yeah.
Old Brandon's probably an all right guy.
Yeah.
Ms.
Wagner? I have got to tell you.
You have the sexiest trash I have ever dumped into a larger bin.
You ever been to the good gravel pit? Ooh, now, you know, I would love to, but my friend Stef has the biggest crush on you.
Ooh.
[WOLF PARADE "YOU ARE A RUNNER AND I AM MY FATHER'S SON".]
You two have fun.