Abbott Elementary (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Guess who's got another date with Vending Machine Guy next Thursday? Tsss! - Wow! - Uh-oh! You know, Thursday is low-key the sexiest day of the week.
What? Are you kidding me? Saturday's the sexiest day.
It's not called "Thursday Night Fever.
" I'm partial to Wine Down Wednesdays myself.
Little Pinot little "Peaky Blinders.
" You all do know what sexy means, right? Oh, I know.
Look, Thursday is the sexiest day because it's not as carefree as Friday and Saturday.
You got to come back to work and deal with what you've done.
Sounds like regret.
That's sexy, right? Well, I don't know about sexy, but my favorite day of the week is Sunday.
The good Lord's day.
My favorite day is Tuesday.
Fascinating.
Why? Because it's trash day.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
That checks out.
- What about you? Oh, I like Fridays.
It's my cheat day.
And what do you do on your cheat day? Oh, I work out.
I just don't do cardio.
Mondays are my absolute favorite day because that's when I get to come back here and see all you guys again.
Fail! Fail.
- That's a fail.
- The worst day of the week.
All right! All right, guys! Five, six, seven, eight! No! No, no, no, guys! No TikTok dances! So I've been teaching step after school here for a few weeks now, and I loved step so much growing up.
It provided me structure, you know, that I didn't have at home.
The fact that I can now do that for these kids is just a real full-circle moment.
- Hey! - Oh.
I-I got I got a conflict.
You don't know what it is yet.
My class is putting on a step show next Friday.
We made so much progress.
Oh, we hear you in there, stomping the yard.
Yeah, you sound like a regular Major Payne.
Yes, well, we are building something.
I love a good step show.
It's so good for the kids.
Right? Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans? Wait a minute.
A step class? Why am I just finding out about this? I've only been on vacation for a week.
Well, Ava, this has been going on for three weeks, and you signed off on it.
Oh, I sign anything that's put in front of me.
That's how I ended up cosigning my ex's car loan.
Thanks for your support.
It's been going great.
Well, it could be going better.
Step was my thing in college! Certainly wasn't academics.
I hate school.
I was my sorority's Step Master! We won the step show six years in a row.
Wait.
Six years? Okay.
You know what? We should teach your step class together.
Together? Like, you and me? What else does "together" mean? You do know that this happens after school? And when the bell rings, all that's left of you is a lingering aroma of Shalimar.
Um, excuse me.
It's Fenty.
And the bell signals the end of the day.
Okay.
You know there's no extra money involved, right? Why y'all jumping me?! Can I not do something out of the goodness of my heart? Well, you know what? If you can commit, then I'd be more than happy to have another pair of feet around.
Well, don't say it like that, but I'll be there.
And I would ask what I would bring, but I already know that I'm enough.
Okay, listen, this has got bad news written all over it.
She only looks after herself.
I've seen her push students out of the way during a fire drill.
- True.
- I'm gonna choose to look at the glass half-full.
Okay.
It's your glass.
Just make sure Ava doesn't spit in it.
Mm.
Step show.
Step show happening next Friday.
I get that Ava hasn't historically been the most reliable, but she seems really excited about this, and I think we're gonna make a great team.
Step's all about the fundamentals.
She's the "fun," and I'm "damentals.
" Doesn't sound right.
Oh, my God.
Is that pizza from Dough Nuts? Best in the city.
They bake it in an oven blessed by Pope John Paul II.
John Paul II Wasn't the most progressive.
Blesses a good oven, though.
I'm just saying, he wouldn't have blessed a gay oven.
Well, I think it's a fine pizza, but it is nothing compared to the burrata pizza at Pauly's.
Mwah! Best pizza in Philly is from Federico's.
They put this mushroom extract in the sauce that just kind of relaxes you to high heaven.
Yeah, you're both wrong.
What makes Philly-style pizza? Uh, five things.
You got your crust, sauce, cheese, maybe some toppings, and the last thing It's made in Philadelphia.
Okay, I got an idea Tomorrow, everybody bring in their favorite pizza, - and we'll have an eat-off.
- Okay.
Gregory! You never told us your favorite pizza place.
Oh, I should sit this one out.
I'm more of a Baltimore-style pizza guy.
Ooh, Baltimore pizza.
I've never heard about that.
What makes it so different? You never heard of Baltimore style? Oh, it's It's great.
It's, um, really crunchy and, like, wet.
- Wet? - Yeah, yeah.
No, it's it's It's, um it's great.
Next time you're there, go to, um Say Cheese Say Cheese Pizza.
- Uh-huh.
- It's They soak it.
It's, like, sopping.
It's mmm.
I gotta go talk to a child about a little thing.
All right! Another fun day of step! Does anyone want to help lead the warm-ups? Anyone? We like to play this fun game called "call and no response.
" The kids are so good at it.
I got the tacos! Now, who got the tea? I heard Miss Cooper is dating Mr.
Peace and Coach Wilson.
Ooh! Now, that's scandalous.
Um, we actually usually begin class by doing some stretches to make sure our bodies are properly warmed up.
Can't warm up on an empty stomach.
You can't just pump them full of burritos, 'cause they'll all throw up.
Stepping is half stepping and half farting around.
They got to bond.
The way we bond is via structure and discipline.
Nah, it's about who would have your back at 3:00 A.
M.
at the after-after-party.
Yeah, people having your back by learning the steps is a sign that they'll have your back out there.
Janine! Are you saying you'd square up on a stranger for me? Go ahead and get stuff started.
I'll be back after I finish my exciting blue slushy.
This is exciting! Like in those videos with the unlikely animal friends.
You're like, "There's no way a parakeet and crocodile can make it work and".
Actually, in the one I just watched, they didn't.
Uh, it was mislabeled.
Very tragic.
This Pauly's Pizza is delish, isn't it? It's decent, but it's not as good as Dough Nuts.
Sorry.
Is anybody else not enjoying the mouth-feel of Federico's? Mnh-mnh.
Greg? Oh, I mean, it's all gonna be trash to me.
I'm a Baltimore pizza guy, like I said.
Mm! You know what? I thought that might happen.
And so, as your best friend here at Abbott, I took it upon myself to drive two hours to Baltimore to get you your favorite pizza from Say Cheese.
That's crazy.
I even asked the pizzaiolo to make it extra crunchy and wet.
Bon appétit.
Hmm.
A-All right, man, you I can't do this.
I-I just don't like pizza! What?! Say that again.
I don't think I heard you, son.
Sweetheart, what do you mean you don't like pizza? I just don't understand the concept of having a bunch of ingredients just slosh around in your mouth! It's not just pizza.
I've got like four or five things that I actually like, and I just stick to those.
Do you like pie? Fruit should not be hot.
Okay.
What about a rack of ribs? Dry rub, no sauce! That is not for me, but I do like bacon.
He's lying.
He doesn't like bacon.
So, how could you not like pizza, Gregory? How could you not like It's pizza! See? This is why I don't ever tell anybody, okay? 'Cause everyone always freaks out and acts like it's a personal attack.
It's not my fault! I was born this way.
Don't you bring Lady Gaga into this.
He doesn't like bacon.
Mm-mm-mm.
I'm telling y'all, it was like "Bring It On" but with Black people on both sides, so you know they ain't gonna never make that movie.
Oh, hey, girl! Hey! I was just telling them about when I was on "106 & Park.
" Me and Terrence J made our own top-10 list that night, if you know what I mean.
No, I hope they do not know what you mean.
You think they never seen "106 & Park"? How about we put down the chalupas since we didn't even get to the routine last time because you ate too many hard-shell tacos? Yep.
Up and at 'em.
Okay.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Okay.
Cut, cut! That's enough of that.
Uh, all right, hey, guys, why don't you go ahead and take five? Uh, what's the problem? This royalty-free music is wack, and these moves are tired.
Where'd you get this routine from? "Barney"? "The Big Book of Step.
" I'm gonna assume that's "Barney.
" How did you manage to make stepping dorky? Somebody put on some good music.
- Like Cardi? - Great minds.
Let's move this to the floor.
We gonna need some room.
So, this is becoming like the crocodile-parakeet video.
She's the crocodile.
Okay, they're not even following the routine.
Look, the point of this class was to teach them structure and responsibility, not Cardi B lyrics.
Do you ever talk about anything other than structure and responsibility? Yes, pride and leadership.
Step is supposed to be fun and about expressing yourself.
You use that to create a routine.
Well, we have been working on that routine really, really hard, and the kids would be devastated if we had to start over.
- Devastated? - Yeah.
How many of y'all wanna do a new routine? Oh, my Jasmine! The people have spoken, Lori Leftfoot.
Try to keep up.
Hey! Let's go, Step Queen.
Let's go, Step Queen.
- Hey, Janine.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? - Step Queen? Well, I have been ousted.
The class chose to learn from Ava instead of me, so That's okay! I am, uh, getting ready so that I don't have to stay ready.
Don't you mean get Hey, what if we all just started a step class? Yes! Uh, no, actually, I probably shouldn't.
So, Ava's teaching the class and the kids are into it? Yeah, you know, but th-they're children.
They don't really They don't know what they're doing.
Well, it sounds like they're really engaged, Ava's engaged.
Wasn't that the whole plan? That's true, yeah.
Ugh.
Guess it just hurts that they didn't choose me.
You know what? Who cares? You know, just because one person or some people don't like the same thing that you like doesn't mean that it's weird to be different.
Okay, just because you don't like this one popular thing does not mean that you are weird.
Yeah, yeah.
I am not sure how it relates.
But thank you, Gregory.
Thank you.
You know, all I wanted was a place where, no matter what was going on at home, they could enjoy themselves.
Who cares if that's with Ava? Now, you know I used to date Allen Iverson.
Ooh! He might've been The Answer, but he was not the one.
- Clearly, we have different styles.
- Mm-hmm.
But, you know, if Ava's committed, then that's really cool.
You know what? This is a good thing.
Y'all make sure you stretch out.
Forgot to have you sign the liability waivers.
Hey, Ava.
Um, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how I acted, uh, earlier.
I let my ego get in the way of the step class, so - You did do that, huh? - Yes, I You were like, "I'm Janine.
I like responsibility and structure and weighted blankets.
" The three pillars.
You wanna see what we've been working on? Oh.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Ladies and Jeremiah, get in formation.
Beyoncé would be proud.
Five, six, seven, and Girl, this ain't time for your solo.
- Get out the line.
- Right.
Right.
Are you guys ready for the step show? We are going to blow your minds with the performance Ava came up with.
- Ava? - Yeah, I thought you were in charge.
Well, I'm trying to move away from hierarchical leadership, but Ava is a great leader.
- Who'd have thought? - I know, right? I mean, she did try to get the kids into Akon's cryptocurrency, but she's been there every day, so Yeah, there's gotta be some kind of catch.
I mean, maybe it's just time for you guys to admit that you misjudged Ava.
Janine, do not get your hopes up, because Ava will find a way to bring them down.
I don't think that's fair.
She's been doing the work.
Maybe Ava has never risen to expectations because nobody believed in her.
- Nah.
- That's not it.
Mnh-mnh.
Yeah, that was a bit much.
But I'm telling you, I believe in her.
She's taking a step in the right direction.
Why is Gregory outside in his car, eating? Oh, no.
Ah, crap.
Girlfriend Is he doing sit-ups in there? Gregory, what are you doing out here?! Is this about the pizza?! No.
What is that? What are you eating? Why don't you just leave me and my boiled-chicken sandwich alone! Oh, boiled?! That's the worst way to cook it, man! Oh, I'm sorry.
I could salt it You know what? I don't have to explain anything to y'all, okay? I'm a grown-ass man! Ooh, I think we broke that boy.
Oh.
Hey.
Greg.
Hey! Oh, my God.
I'm so happy you guys came! Oh, just a heads-up Um, there are some parts in the routine that are a little bit risqué, so when I give you the signal, just go ahead and turn away Turn away from it.
Well, I'm excited.
I've been waiting for this my entire life.
You know, I applied to Morehouse.
Where's Ava? Uh, Ava's just probably somewhere working out those knees, you know.
She's the real star of the show.
Wait until you guys see the work that she put into this.
- I'm just - Uh, Miss Teagues? Principal Coleman left.
You're gonna have to lead us.
What do you mean she left? She said that something came up and that you'd handle it.
Wha I can't handle it.
I barely know the routine.
That's what I said.
Ava will be Ava.
Yeah, you give her a chance, she's gonna let you down.
I'd make that bet 10 times out of 10.
You want me to buy you some time? - Yes.
- Abbott Elementary, make some noise! Yeah.
I'm gonna make this basketball disappear.
Ta-da! Ava, where are you going? I'm busy right now, Janine.
What, are you waiting for an Uber Black to take you to an Uzi Vert concert? You know that man don't come out during the daytime.
Go take care of your step class.
I can't, because you changed the routine.
- Then do your wack-ass routine! - You know what? Everybody told me not to trust you.
They said you'd do this.
And I said no, because I believed in you.
And now it's messing with the kids.
You can't think of anyone other than yourself.
Oh, an airport van to take you on another vacation? Baby? - Did you have to bring her here? - She had an episode.
We couldn't calm her down and figured it would help her to see your face.
I'm here now, Grandma.
It's okay, Grandma.
I'm here.
- Whoa-ho-ho! - Whoa! David Blaine ain't got nothin' on me! How does he do it? I mean Hey, weird eater.
Come over here.
All right, listen.
Is it bananas you don't like food? Yes.
Would it send my Nana Vincenze into a fit of depression? - Absolutely.
- It's really bizarre.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Is there a second part to this? - Yeah.
Everyone's got something a little weird about them.
She likes to sit facing the door.
Yeah, 'cause you don't ever know what's gonna go down.
And Jacob is, you know Jacob.
- And we all know Barbara's - Doesn't have a weird thing about her.
Right.
So the moral of the story is, we're all weirdos here.
Or the moral of the story is that, since we're all weird, then none of us are.
- No.
100% we're weird.
- No.
That's not how it works.
- We're weird.
- Mnh-mnh.
By the way, I would like to be reimbursed for my excursion to Baltimore.
I took toll roads.
Janine, what are you doing here? Don't you have a step performance you're supposed to be preparing for? I just wanted to say sorry for what I said back there.
There's no need to apologize.
No, no.
I Janine, why do you have to make such a big moment out of these apologies? You're wrong all the time.
I wouldn't say all the time.
Is your grandmother okay? Yeah, she'll be fine.
She's been staying with me for the past couple weeks, but we finally found someplace that could take care of her full-time.
She's just not used to it yet.
Okay.
So that's what you were doing while you were on vacation? Well, I did watch seven seasons of "Survivor," so it wasn't not a vacation.
You know, the kids really love that routine that you came up with.
It was just something we threw together.
The kids are doing the heavy lifting, so Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you want we can still do the performance.
Together.
I'm gonna be here for the next three hundred and six Let's hear it for the almighty Abbott Steppers! Five, six, seven, eight.
Abbott Elementary! Get it, girls! Look at that.
Crocodiles and parakeets can be friends.
You guys did amazing.
Thank you! Janine, you did okay.
Ava, you know what? You really stepped up.
I can tell that you've been waiting to say that all week.
Thanks, Janine.
I appreciate you.
Oh.
Mnh! Janine, that performance was on point! Oh! And they say UPenn students can't step.
- Wait.
Who says that? - So, wait.
What was the drama with Ava this time? Oh, you know, she just had to take care of some stuff real quick.
She made it here for the kids.
She showed up just like I said she would.
Mm-hmm.
I still say this ends up with you at the bottom of a pyramid scheme, but, hey, that was fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah! - I enjoyed it.
Great job.
Better than Morehouse.
It was a really good show.
Very good.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
Now I'm starving.
Do you wanna go get some pizza? - Uh, yeah, uh, pizza sounds delicious.
- Okay.
Um, what was your favorite part of the show? Oh, I would say the "five, six, seven, eight" portion where everybody got really structured.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, oh, oh.