Abby's (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
Rosie's Band
1 "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.
Guys! You are never gonna believe this.
Okay, but before we dive in, are we really never gonna believe this or did you, like, meet the guy who invented cell phone antennas? Martin Cooper? Psh.
I wish.
You know, he does live in the Del Mar area, and I have loitered outside his house a couple of times.
Once I saw the top of his head, which, if you think about it, is the antenna of his body.
See, this is exactly what we were afraid of.
All right, look, I know I've had some duds in the past, but I'm telling you this story is the one.
I just need your faith for a few minutes.
Take my hand and join me on this journey.
I promise you, you will not regret it.
Guys, guys! There's a police chase happening down the street.
Gah! My journey.
They were chasing this guy up Fern Street and then he got out of his car and started running.
- I can't believe that.
- That's what I I opened with that.
C'mon.
You've got to give me co-credit for this story.
It counts, right, just chalk a half one up for Bill.
Bill, you're being so thirsty.
- Did I use it right? - You did.
- So did they get him? - Hey, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Let me do this part.
Damn it, I don't know.
No, they didn't get him.
He disappeared into the canyon.
What can that canyon? The canyon I can see clearly if I stand up on my tippy-toes? Now I'm terrified.
Thanks a lot, Rosie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And Bill.
Yeah! That's my story.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
Forgot to buy dishwashing detergent.
We're almost out of clean glasses.
Don't worry about it.
These people are animals.
When Sophia wants water, she drinks from the hose.
I just don't want to lose any customers tonight.
I heard Nemo's is having a 2-for-1 drink special.
- [ALL GROAN.]
- Wait, Nemo's? Is that that dive bar down the street? I've been in there.
Everybody's like a million years old.
That being said, a very fun vibe, a lot of character in there.
I talked to a Hell's Angel with an oxygen tank, nice guy.
I used to drink at Nemo's a couple of times a month before Abby's opened.
I was the youngest one in there by 15 years.
They used to call me "Junior.
" They'd say, "Look at Junior with his original hips and his non-orthopedic shoes.
" I liked it.
Abby took all their young customers and there's been bad blood ever since.
One time Nemo gave me a dirty look at the grocery store.
Not the Albertson's.
The Ralph's.
Why does that matter? 'Cause Ralph's where I go to feel safe.
Abby, I saw we were running low so I bought some dishwashing detergent.
Yes! Rosie.
I also took the garbage out to the driveway and I picked all the bagel chips out of Fred's bar mix.
Bagels are for breakfast.
That's all I have to say about that.
Man, you have been crushing it lately.
Thank you.
I owe you one.
Really? Because there's something I've been working up the courage to ask you.
No big deal, just been psyching myself up in the mirror every morning and in other reflective surfaces.
Gave myself a pretty long pep talk in some toilet water Rosie.
- Just ask me.
- Okay.
You know how I want to be a musician and I'm in a new band and if you really want to do me a solid can my band play at the bar tonight? Never mind.
Uh-oh.
You're looking at me.
- This is stupid.
- No, no, Rosie.
Yes, sure, why not? Yeah.
Yes! I knew talking to myself in that toilet would work.
Guys, guys.
Could that be the suspect from the police chase? - He matches the description.
- Oh, yeah.
Medium height white guy with brown hair.
What are the odds? All right, James, you're letting your imagination run wild.
Like the time you made me come over your house with baseball bat 'cause you were afraid of what turned out to be a stop sign.
I thought it was a very skinny man with a very big head.
[INSTRUMENTS PLAYING DISJOINTEDLY.]
Oh, God.
- This is awful.
- They're just warming up.
This is what all musicians sound like when they warm up.
Fine, I'll try to have a positive attitude.
Eh, didn't take.
Going back to the other thing.
Hey, you guys look great up there.
I can't wait to hear a song.
What do you mean? That was a song.
It was two, actually.
"Free Brick #12" and "Bohemian Rhapso-die-die-die.
" Oh.
What genre of music would you say that is? Uh, I'd say it's like Post Noise Art Rock.
We call it "Aggressive Confusion.
" Huh.
Apt.
Can't wait to hear some of your other stuff, you know? Maybe some more of your more music-y music? Like, maybe "Free Bricks" numbers 1 through 11? You want to hear the old stuff? I mean, it's way more aggressive and way more confusing, but sure.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Abs, you gotta tell Rosie she's bad, or when the bar fills up later, she's gonna embarrass herself.
It'll be like when Fred thought he could pull off wearing a turtle neck.
- And I still think I - And you're still wrong.
I can't tell Rosie she's bad.
She'll be crushed.
Abby, I'm confused.
Usually you love being brutally honest.
Just yesterday you told me my arms are too long for my body, and now that idea is in me forever.
Well, I mean it's true.
You look like one of those inflatable mascots at a car dealership.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah! Put your arms up to the side and wiggle them.
- Okay, I do not look like - See? [LAUGHTER.]
The point is Why can't you just be honest with Rosie? Because it's Rosie, you know? We have a bond.
She looks up to me.
She's she's my Zellweger.
- Ah, well put.
- It's true.
- She is your Zellweger.
- You guys know perfectly well that I have no idea what you're talking about.
In fact, I think you all are a bunch of sickos who get off on having an outsider around who has to ask you what you're talking about all the time.
- Oh, Bill, relax.
- Yeah, man.
Try not to get your arms all tied up in a knot.
[LAUGHTER.]
Rosie is my Renée Zellweger like in "Jerry Maguire.
" When I left my old job, I made this big speech, and I said, "Who's coming with me?" And she was the only one who did.
She looked out for me then, and I wanna look out for her now, no matter what.
That is so special.
Oh, whatever.
I'm nice sometimes.
Shut up.
We all love Rosie, but I don't know if I can believably fake enthusiasm for this music.
Eh, it's not that bad.
Honestly, faking enthusiasm for your kids is like 90% of parenting.
When they're in a pool, every ten seconds they'll be like, "Mommy, mommy, watch this.
" And then you watch what they do, and it's just garbage, you know? Big bag of nothing.
Then you say, "Yay, great swimming," or whatever, and they're not smart, so they believe you.
Beth's right.
We just have to bob our heads to the music and think of something that brings us joy.
Then I'll think about the time that I served as the grand marshal of the St.
Patrick's Day parade.
Not officially.
And not legally.
And not for very long.
Our potential fugitive, sipping a beer and keeping to himself.
Exactly the type of behavior you'd expect from someone hiding out.
Yeah, or someone in a bar.
So the plot thin-ens.
- What's all that? - Well, I just figured since the police are combing the neighborhood looking for that suspect we should probably prepare in case they stumble upon our super illegal bar here.
So, if the cops do come, we're not an illegal bar.
We are having a backyard wedding, huh? As much as I would like to give you a hard time, that is a very good idea.
Well done.
See, the bad thing is that his thing being good makes your thing seem even dumber.
I'm telling you.
He could be the suspect.
Look at his eyes.
They're furtive.
Look at him just furtin' left and right.
He's just a regular guy.
As head of Bar Security, it's my duty to investigate a potential threat.
Now come with me and do most of the talking.
Ah, hey, buddy.
Mind if we sit down? - Hey.
- My name's Fred.
- This is - Ramón.
Hi, I'm Clark.
What brings you in here tonight? Oh, a friend of mine told me about the bar.
I figure I'd have to stop in for a drink.
Oh, I know most everybody that comes in here.
- What's your friend's name? - Uh, Mike.
Mike.
Tall Mike or medium Mike? - Maybe average Mike? - I'm sorry.
Medium Mike and average Mike are different Mikes? No, they're not.
Well played.
Earlier I noticed you were a little out of breath.
Is that from running from someone or something? Oh, actually I have a condition called COPD.
- It's chronic - BOTH: Obstructive - pulmonary disease.
- Are you kidding? - I have COPD too.
- Wow.
Do you use the blue inhaler or the yellow one? I use the yellow one because the blue one - makes my mouth dry.
- Makes my mouth dry.
- Exactly! - Get out of here! Hey, I'm gonna get a beer.
Anybody want anything? - Yes, please.
- No, thank you.
We don't accept drinks from strangers.
Okay.
James, I love you, but never come between me and a free drink again.
Okay, everybody, we have got a special treat for you tonight.
A little music from our very own Rosie Khansari and this guy! - His name is Brandon.
- Hi! Sorry.
Brandon! We hope you enjoy the show.
We demand it.
Anyway, please give it up for what's your band's name? Dynamic Intrusion.
Give it up for Rosie and Brandon.
[APPLAUSE.]
I know someone named Donna.
I know someone named Donna.
Her name is Donna Jankewitz.
[DISJOINTED CHORDS.]
Hey, man, enjoying the music? Not really.
It makes me feel confused and aggressive.
That means it's working.
Just clap, dude.
She's my aunt.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! I was pretty nervous, but I think around the fourth song - we really hit a groove.
- Oh, yeah.
- You sounded really good.
- Yay, great swimming.
Seriously, this was so much fun.
- Thanks, Abby.
- Oh, of course.
And, uh, since it went so well, who says it has to end tonight? Good question.
Abby? Does anyone want to say it has to end tonight? It's just that my parents have been really down on me since I quit med school to become a musician and two years in I haven't had a steady gig.
What better way to show my parents that I can do this then to perform in front of this amazing crowd every week? Wow.
Every week.
All the weeks.
So if it's a week, we're doing this.
Am I saying the right number of weeks? Huh, yeah, what better way to show your parents you can do this then to perform here every week.
Huh.
Let's just just think about that for a second, everyone.
Let's just think if there's a better way, you know? Let's think about it with our brains.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hm.
Well, can't think of anything, so I guess you have yourself a gig at Abby's.
Yes! This is amazing! Brandon's gonna be so excited.
He might eat food.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, it's time to get serious.
Maybe we can get away with lying to Rosie once, but every week? There's 50 people here most nights.
One of them is gonna slip up, either because they forget or because they're James.
She's right.
There's a high possibility I'm gonna blow this.
You gonna have to tell Rosie the truth.
I can't.
I don't want to break Rosie's heart.
You know, she's young, and she has a dream.
Don't you remember what it's like to have a dream? I mean, I wanted to train killer whales at SeaWorld, but then you know Blackfish.
Yeah.
- I wanted to design apps.
- Hey, really? You know, James, I'm a decent coder.
In fact, I've written several of my own applications.
Not those type of apps.
I mean like buffalo chicken blasters or baked potato blasters.
But they already discovered all the good blasters.
I always dreamed of being a man who could pull off a turtle neck.
- And you know what, I still co - ALL: No.
You can't.
When I was practicing law, I wanted to start a nonprofit for people displaced by natural disasters.
Then I was so tired on Saturdays, it was just like, "Eh, they'll be fine.
" I wanted to just be married once.
- Oh.
- For crying out loud.
Guys, look at Rosie right now.
She's telling her parents that her dreams are about to come true.
I can't take that away from her.
So what do we do? Why don't we get her a gig at Nemo's? - Huh.
- Think about it.
It's a bigger venue.
They have a stage.
And actual sound equipment.
Yeah, the audience is old, but they're the kind of old where if they don't like it, it's a compliment.
It's weirdly perfect.
Yes, and also real bands used to play there.
Back in the day for five bucks you could get a beer and an STD from someone really famous.
It's not a bad idea.
But why would Nemo help us? Did y'all not hear my Ralph story earlier? I got a look, Abby.
A dirty look.
I'm just gonna have to make a deal.
It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but, Beth, set it up.
Wait a second.
Making a deal with Nemo is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done? No, man, I was a marine, but if I start talking about how I blew up a bridge with a hand grenade then everyone would get turned on and we don't have time for that.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Listen to this.
They walk over to the door.
They turn around and look back at me.
And I knew that I would never see Chuck Norris or Fran Drescher ever again.
That is an amazing story.
It sure is, Clark.
It Looks like you about done with that beer.
Mind if I take that empty off you? Oh, sure.
Thanks, man.
Oh, we're very serious about our dirty dishes here at Abby's.
Ramón.
I think it might be time to relax a little.
You got some mud on your shoes.
Wanna tell me how that happened? Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'd rather not talk about it.
I wonder why.
Hm.
Just tell us, Clark.
Just tell us the truth.
Why is there mud on your shoes? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay.
[SNIFFLES.]
I buried my dog today.
- Oh.
- Yeah, his name was Romper.
[SOBBING.]
He was a good dog.
- Oh, wow.
- I'm gonna miss him.
[CRYING.]
- It's okay, buddy.
- Here's a picture.
- Oh, boy.
- This is before he was dead.
Yeah, he looks alive here.
See, don't worry.
There's a place where beloved pets go when they die called the Rainbow Bridge.
And I'm sure Romper's up there playing right now with my old dog, Ramó James.
Want to see a picture? Here he is.
- I got a picture too.
- Okay.
It's my old dog, Mr.
Paw-dre.
I spelled it P-A-W and the D-R-E is the same.
- Yeah.
Makes sense.
- Look at him.
Well, I think if the police do come looking for that fugitive, this wedding is gonna be a pretty good alibi that we're not running an illegal outdoor bar here.
Only problem is I can't figure out this seating chart.
It's a fake wedding, buddy.
Yeah, but, you know, my ex-wife she didn't really give me a say in our wedding, so I'm finally getting to plan the wedding that I've always wanted.
Hey, wanna guess the surprise wedding favor? It's baby succulents.
I just had to tell somebody.
It's time, Abby.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
While I still have you guys here, candles in mason jars, chic or are we over that? Hm.
Fine.
- Abby.
- Nemo.
- Beth.
- Fringo.
Damn it, you know my name is Teddy! All right! Abby, I got to get back soon.
Beth said you need a favor.
Yeah, I need you to offer someone a weekly gig at your bar, a paid gig.
- I'm not paying someon - No.
I would pay you so you could pay them, but as far as everybody knows, the gig's legit.
[DOG HOWLS.]
I might be able to do that.
But you don't get something for nothing, Ponytail.
Teddy, give her the list of the stuff we want.
"Switch to regular toothpicks "instead of the little plastic swords.
The swords are our thing.
" Okay, whatever.
You want us to take Skip's brother, Kip? He's a troublemaker.
He picks fights.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, good God.
Is he Skip's older brother? Somehow? Yeah, okay, fine.
We'll take him.
What else is on here? Take little Nemo.
Who's little Nemo? He's a mean dog that sits in our bar.
Eats pennies.
He's mean.
Abs, are you sure this is easier than telling Rosie the truth? - I don't want a mean dog.
- Okay.
If we do all that, we take Kip, we take the mean dog - Sword toothpicks? - Yes, fine.
You'll let Rosie's band play? Abby? Rosie.
How long have you been listening to us? - Long enough.
- Look, I can explain.
We have a really good reason for wanting to swap you and your band for Nemo's mean dog.
Oh, my God, that's like a million times worse than what I heard.
What the hell? [SLAMMING GLASSES.]
I knew this whole faking enthusiasm thing - was a bad idea.
- Yeah.
Maybe it works on kids but not on adults.
This is why I've never faked my orgasms.
What, I'm gonna take off my clothes and put on a little play for somebody? Pfft, who has the time? You come to my bed, you're there to work.
Get it right or I'll make a sandwich.
What do I care.
Okay.
Rosie, will you please just talk to me? Well, you hate my music so much, I'd thought I'd play it safe and never make sounds with my mouth ever again.
You were gonna trade me for a mean dog? To avoid hearing me sing you'd rather be bitten by a mean dog.
No, not bitten.
It was just gonna, like, be here.
I didn't know what else to do.
Oh, right, you know what they say.
When in doubt, swap out your friend for a mean dog.
No, Rosie, I didn't do all of that to get rid of you.
I did it because I care about you.
I didn't want to crush your dreams.
I feel like you look up to me, and I wanted to protect you.
You're my Zellweger.
Abby, I look up to you because you're honest with people, including me.
I'm tough enough to take criticism, so just treat me how you'd wanna be treated.
Honestly.
Okay.
Rosie Your music is very bad.
Okay, I respect your opinion.
Go on.
I think it might be awhile before I can enjoy music again.
Seems like we're veering away from "honesty" and into "brutal truth," but this is good.
- Keep going.
- Look, how about this? You can play here once a month while you get better, and if I don't like it, I will boo.
Deal, and seriously you don't have to like my music.
People of your generation don't really get millennial stuff.
What Rosie, we're the same generation.
Okay, yeah, sure.
People my age definitely get your "Jerry Maguire" references.
But you just got it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I can't believe we're gonna do this.
I mean I've always wanted a reason to go deep sea fishing, and now I got two: Bean Pole and Ramón.
It's gonna be great.
We're gonna load the boat with supplies, we'll pump Ramón full of Dramamine, and then we head for my secret spot off the coast of Mexico.
You know, Clark, I feel so dumb about it now.
When you first got here, I was so scared to go talk to you.
I'm scared of a lot of things, but I don't want to live my life like that anymore.
- I really wanna - Oh, crap! - It's the cops! - Suspect in sight.
Officers in pursuit.
- - ["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS.]
- Stupid fence.
Give me a sec.
- [BELL RINGS.]
Everyone, to our bride Beth and Randro, from all of us here in this legal, normal backyard, we wish that you find happiness every single day.
- Chin-chin, everyone.
- Sorry, folks.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Officer.
Feel free to grab a baby succulent on your way out.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Guys! You are never gonna believe this.
Okay, but before we dive in, are we really never gonna believe this or did you, like, meet the guy who invented cell phone antennas? Martin Cooper? Psh.
I wish.
You know, he does live in the Del Mar area, and I have loitered outside his house a couple of times.
Once I saw the top of his head, which, if you think about it, is the antenna of his body.
See, this is exactly what we were afraid of.
All right, look, I know I've had some duds in the past, but I'm telling you this story is the one.
I just need your faith for a few minutes.
Take my hand and join me on this journey.
I promise you, you will not regret it.
Guys, guys! There's a police chase happening down the street.
Gah! My journey.
They were chasing this guy up Fern Street and then he got out of his car and started running.
- I can't believe that.
- That's what I I opened with that.
C'mon.
You've got to give me co-credit for this story.
It counts, right, just chalk a half one up for Bill.
Bill, you're being so thirsty.
- Did I use it right? - You did.
- So did they get him? - Hey, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Let me do this part.
Damn it, I don't know.
No, they didn't get him.
He disappeared into the canyon.
What can that canyon? The canyon I can see clearly if I stand up on my tippy-toes? Now I'm terrified.
Thanks a lot, Rosie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And Bill.
Yeah! That's my story.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER.]
Forgot to buy dishwashing detergent.
We're almost out of clean glasses.
Don't worry about it.
These people are animals.
When Sophia wants water, she drinks from the hose.
I just don't want to lose any customers tonight.
I heard Nemo's is having a 2-for-1 drink special.
- [ALL GROAN.]
- Wait, Nemo's? Is that that dive bar down the street? I've been in there.
Everybody's like a million years old.
That being said, a very fun vibe, a lot of character in there.
I talked to a Hell's Angel with an oxygen tank, nice guy.
I used to drink at Nemo's a couple of times a month before Abby's opened.
I was the youngest one in there by 15 years.
They used to call me "Junior.
" They'd say, "Look at Junior with his original hips and his non-orthopedic shoes.
" I liked it.
Abby took all their young customers and there's been bad blood ever since.
One time Nemo gave me a dirty look at the grocery store.
Not the Albertson's.
The Ralph's.
Why does that matter? 'Cause Ralph's where I go to feel safe.
Abby, I saw we were running low so I bought some dishwashing detergent.
Yes! Rosie.
I also took the garbage out to the driveway and I picked all the bagel chips out of Fred's bar mix.
Bagels are for breakfast.
That's all I have to say about that.
Man, you have been crushing it lately.
Thank you.
I owe you one.
Really? Because there's something I've been working up the courage to ask you.
No big deal, just been psyching myself up in the mirror every morning and in other reflective surfaces.
Gave myself a pretty long pep talk in some toilet water Rosie.
- Just ask me.
- Okay.
You know how I want to be a musician and I'm in a new band and if you really want to do me a solid can my band play at the bar tonight? Never mind.
Uh-oh.
You're looking at me.
- This is stupid.
- No, no, Rosie.
Yes, sure, why not? Yeah.
Yes! I knew talking to myself in that toilet would work.
Guys, guys.
Could that be the suspect from the police chase? - He matches the description.
- Oh, yeah.
Medium height white guy with brown hair.
What are the odds? All right, James, you're letting your imagination run wild.
Like the time you made me come over your house with baseball bat 'cause you were afraid of what turned out to be a stop sign.
I thought it was a very skinny man with a very big head.
[INSTRUMENTS PLAYING DISJOINTEDLY.]
Oh, God.
- This is awful.
- They're just warming up.
This is what all musicians sound like when they warm up.
Fine, I'll try to have a positive attitude.
Eh, didn't take.
Going back to the other thing.
Hey, you guys look great up there.
I can't wait to hear a song.
What do you mean? That was a song.
It was two, actually.
"Free Brick #12" and "Bohemian Rhapso-die-die-die.
" Oh.
What genre of music would you say that is? Uh, I'd say it's like Post Noise Art Rock.
We call it "Aggressive Confusion.
" Huh.
Apt.
Can't wait to hear some of your other stuff, you know? Maybe some more of your more music-y music? Like, maybe "Free Bricks" numbers 1 through 11? You want to hear the old stuff? I mean, it's way more aggressive and way more confusing, but sure.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Abs, you gotta tell Rosie she's bad, or when the bar fills up later, she's gonna embarrass herself.
It'll be like when Fred thought he could pull off wearing a turtle neck.
- And I still think I - And you're still wrong.
I can't tell Rosie she's bad.
She'll be crushed.
Abby, I'm confused.
Usually you love being brutally honest.
Just yesterday you told me my arms are too long for my body, and now that idea is in me forever.
Well, I mean it's true.
You look like one of those inflatable mascots at a car dealership.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah! Put your arms up to the side and wiggle them.
- Okay, I do not look like - See? [LAUGHTER.]
The point is Why can't you just be honest with Rosie? Because it's Rosie, you know? We have a bond.
She looks up to me.
She's she's my Zellweger.
- Ah, well put.
- It's true.
- She is your Zellweger.
- You guys know perfectly well that I have no idea what you're talking about.
In fact, I think you all are a bunch of sickos who get off on having an outsider around who has to ask you what you're talking about all the time.
- Oh, Bill, relax.
- Yeah, man.
Try not to get your arms all tied up in a knot.
[LAUGHTER.]
Rosie is my Renée Zellweger like in "Jerry Maguire.
" When I left my old job, I made this big speech, and I said, "Who's coming with me?" And she was the only one who did.
She looked out for me then, and I wanna look out for her now, no matter what.
That is so special.
Oh, whatever.
I'm nice sometimes.
Shut up.
We all love Rosie, but I don't know if I can believably fake enthusiasm for this music.
Eh, it's not that bad.
Honestly, faking enthusiasm for your kids is like 90% of parenting.
When they're in a pool, every ten seconds they'll be like, "Mommy, mommy, watch this.
" And then you watch what they do, and it's just garbage, you know? Big bag of nothing.
Then you say, "Yay, great swimming," or whatever, and they're not smart, so they believe you.
Beth's right.
We just have to bob our heads to the music and think of something that brings us joy.
Then I'll think about the time that I served as the grand marshal of the St.
Patrick's Day parade.
Not officially.
And not legally.
And not for very long.
Our potential fugitive, sipping a beer and keeping to himself.
Exactly the type of behavior you'd expect from someone hiding out.
Yeah, or someone in a bar.
So the plot thin-ens.
- What's all that? - Well, I just figured since the police are combing the neighborhood looking for that suspect we should probably prepare in case they stumble upon our super illegal bar here.
So, if the cops do come, we're not an illegal bar.
We are having a backyard wedding, huh? As much as I would like to give you a hard time, that is a very good idea.
Well done.
See, the bad thing is that his thing being good makes your thing seem even dumber.
I'm telling you.
He could be the suspect.
Look at his eyes.
They're furtive.
Look at him just furtin' left and right.
He's just a regular guy.
As head of Bar Security, it's my duty to investigate a potential threat.
Now come with me and do most of the talking.
Ah, hey, buddy.
Mind if we sit down? - Hey.
- My name's Fred.
- This is - Ramón.
Hi, I'm Clark.
What brings you in here tonight? Oh, a friend of mine told me about the bar.
I figure I'd have to stop in for a drink.
Oh, I know most everybody that comes in here.
- What's your friend's name? - Uh, Mike.
Mike.
Tall Mike or medium Mike? - Maybe average Mike? - I'm sorry.
Medium Mike and average Mike are different Mikes? No, they're not.
Well played.
Earlier I noticed you were a little out of breath.
Is that from running from someone or something? Oh, actually I have a condition called COPD.
- It's chronic - BOTH: Obstructive - pulmonary disease.
- Are you kidding? - I have COPD too.
- Wow.
Do you use the blue inhaler or the yellow one? I use the yellow one because the blue one - makes my mouth dry.
- Makes my mouth dry.
- Exactly! - Get out of here! Hey, I'm gonna get a beer.
Anybody want anything? - Yes, please.
- No, thank you.
We don't accept drinks from strangers.
Okay.
James, I love you, but never come between me and a free drink again.
Okay, everybody, we have got a special treat for you tonight.
A little music from our very own Rosie Khansari and this guy! - His name is Brandon.
- Hi! Sorry.
Brandon! We hope you enjoy the show.
We demand it.
Anyway, please give it up for what's your band's name? Dynamic Intrusion.
Give it up for Rosie and Brandon.
[APPLAUSE.]
I know someone named Donna.
I know someone named Donna.
Her name is Donna Jankewitz.
[DISJOINTED CHORDS.]
Hey, man, enjoying the music? Not really.
It makes me feel confused and aggressive.
That means it's working.
Just clap, dude.
She's my aunt.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! I was pretty nervous, but I think around the fourth song - we really hit a groove.
- Oh, yeah.
- You sounded really good.
- Yay, great swimming.
Seriously, this was so much fun.
- Thanks, Abby.
- Oh, of course.
And, uh, since it went so well, who says it has to end tonight? Good question.
Abby? Does anyone want to say it has to end tonight? It's just that my parents have been really down on me since I quit med school to become a musician and two years in I haven't had a steady gig.
What better way to show my parents that I can do this then to perform in front of this amazing crowd every week? Wow.
Every week.
All the weeks.
So if it's a week, we're doing this.
Am I saying the right number of weeks? Huh, yeah, what better way to show your parents you can do this then to perform here every week.
Huh.
Let's just just think about that for a second, everyone.
Let's just think if there's a better way, you know? Let's think about it with our brains.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hm.
Well, can't think of anything, so I guess you have yourself a gig at Abby's.
Yes! This is amazing! Brandon's gonna be so excited.
He might eat food.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, it's time to get serious.
Maybe we can get away with lying to Rosie once, but every week? There's 50 people here most nights.
One of them is gonna slip up, either because they forget or because they're James.
She's right.
There's a high possibility I'm gonna blow this.
You gonna have to tell Rosie the truth.
I can't.
I don't want to break Rosie's heart.
You know, she's young, and she has a dream.
Don't you remember what it's like to have a dream? I mean, I wanted to train killer whales at SeaWorld, but then you know Blackfish.
Yeah.
- I wanted to design apps.
- Hey, really? You know, James, I'm a decent coder.
In fact, I've written several of my own applications.
Not those type of apps.
I mean like buffalo chicken blasters or baked potato blasters.
But they already discovered all the good blasters.
I always dreamed of being a man who could pull off a turtle neck.
- And you know what, I still co - ALL: No.
You can't.
When I was practicing law, I wanted to start a nonprofit for people displaced by natural disasters.
Then I was so tired on Saturdays, it was just like, "Eh, they'll be fine.
" I wanted to just be married once.
- Oh.
- For crying out loud.
Guys, look at Rosie right now.
She's telling her parents that her dreams are about to come true.
I can't take that away from her.
So what do we do? Why don't we get her a gig at Nemo's? - Huh.
- Think about it.
It's a bigger venue.
They have a stage.
And actual sound equipment.
Yeah, the audience is old, but they're the kind of old where if they don't like it, it's a compliment.
It's weirdly perfect.
Yes, and also real bands used to play there.
Back in the day for five bucks you could get a beer and an STD from someone really famous.
It's not a bad idea.
But why would Nemo help us? Did y'all not hear my Ralph story earlier? I got a look, Abby.
A dirty look.
I'm just gonna have to make a deal.
It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but, Beth, set it up.
Wait a second.
Making a deal with Nemo is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done? No, man, I was a marine, but if I start talking about how I blew up a bridge with a hand grenade then everyone would get turned on and we don't have time for that.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Listen to this.
They walk over to the door.
They turn around and look back at me.
And I knew that I would never see Chuck Norris or Fran Drescher ever again.
That is an amazing story.
It sure is, Clark.
It Looks like you about done with that beer.
Mind if I take that empty off you? Oh, sure.
Thanks, man.
Oh, we're very serious about our dirty dishes here at Abby's.
Ramón.
I think it might be time to relax a little.
You got some mud on your shoes.
Wanna tell me how that happened? Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'd rather not talk about it.
I wonder why.
Hm.
Just tell us, Clark.
Just tell us the truth.
Why is there mud on your shoes? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay.
[SNIFFLES.]
I buried my dog today.
- Oh.
- Yeah, his name was Romper.
[SOBBING.]
He was a good dog.
- Oh, wow.
- I'm gonna miss him.
[CRYING.]
- It's okay, buddy.
- Here's a picture.
- Oh, boy.
- This is before he was dead.
Yeah, he looks alive here.
See, don't worry.
There's a place where beloved pets go when they die called the Rainbow Bridge.
And I'm sure Romper's up there playing right now with my old dog, Ramó James.
Want to see a picture? Here he is.
- I got a picture too.
- Okay.
It's my old dog, Mr.
Paw-dre.
I spelled it P-A-W and the D-R-E is the same.
- Yeah.
Makes sense.
- Look at him.
Well, I think if the police do come looking for that fugitive, this wedding is gonna be a pretty good alibi that we're not running an illegal outdoor bar here.
Only problem is I can't figure out this seating chart.
It's a fake wedding, buddy.
Yeah, but, you know, my ex-wife she didn't really give me a say in our wedding, so I'm finally getting to plan the wedding that I've always wanted.
Hey, wanna guess the surprise wedding favor? It's baby succulents.
I just had to tell somebody.
It's time, Abby.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
While I still have you guys here, candles in mason jars, chic or are we over that? Hm.
Fine.
- Abby.
- Nemo.
- Beth.
- Fringo.
Damn it, you know my name is Teddy! All right! Abby, I got to get back soon.
Beth said you need a favor.
Yeah, I need you to offer someone a weekly gig at your bar, a paid gig.
- I'm not paying someon - No.
I would pay you so you could pay them, but as far as everybody knows, the gig's legit.
[DOG HOWLS.]
I might be able to do that.
But you don't get something for nothing, Ponytail.
Teddy, give her the list of the stuff we want.
"Switch to regular toothpicks "instead of the little plastic swords.
The swords are our thing.
" Okay, whatever.
You want us to take Skip's brother, Kip? He's a troublemaker.
He picks fights.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, good God.
Is he Skip's older brother? Somehow? Yeah, okay, fine.
We'll take him.
What else is on here? Take little Nemo.
Who's little Nemo? He's a mean dog that sits in our bar.
Eats pennies.
He's mean.
Abs, are you sure this is easier than telling Rosie the truth? - I don't want a mean dog.
- Okay.
If we do all that, we take Kip, we take the mean dog - Sword toothpicks? - Yes, fine.
You'll let Rosie's band play? Abby? Rosie.
How long have you been listening to us? - Long enough.
- Look, I can explain.
We have a really good reason for wanting to swap you and your band for Nemo's mean dog.
Oh, my God, that's like a million times worse than what I heard.
What the hell? [SLAMMING GLASSES.]
I knew this whole faking enthusiasm thing - was a bad idea.
- Yeah.
Maybe it works on kids but not on adults.
This is why I've never faked my orgasms.
What, I'm gonna take off my clothes and put on a little play for somebody? Pfft, who has the time? You come to my bed, you're there to work.
Get it right or I'll make a sandwich.
What do I care.
Okay.
Rosie, will you please just talk to me? Well, you hate my music so much, I'd thought I'd play it safe and never make sounds with my mouth ever again.
You were gonna trade me for a mean dog? To avoid hearing me sing you'd rather be bitten by a mean dog.
No, not bitten.
It was just gonna, like, be here.
I didn't know what else to do.
Oh, right, you know what they say.
When in doubt, swap out your friend for a mean dog.
No, Rosie, I didn't do all of that to get rid of you.
I did it because I care about you.
I didn't want to crush your dreams.
I feel like you look up to me, and I wanted to protect you.
You're my Zellweger.
Abby, I look up to you because you're honest with people, including me.
I'm tough enough to take criticism, so just treat me how you'd wanna be treated.
Honestly.
Okay.
Rosie Your music is very bad.
Okay, I respect your opinion.
Go on.
I think it might be awhile before I can enjoy music again.
Seems like we're veering away from "honesty" and into "brutal truth," but this is good.
- Keep going.
- Look, how about this? You can play here once a month while you get better, and if I don't like it, I will boo.
Deal, and seriously you don't have to like my music.
People of your generation don't really get millennial stuff.
What Rosie, we're the same generation.
Okay, yeah, sure.
People my age definitely get your "Jerry Maguire" references.
But you just got it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I can't believe we're gonna do this.
I mean I've always wanted a reason to go deep sea fishing, and now I got two: Bean Pole and Ramón.
It's gonna be great.
We're gonna load the boat with supplies, we'll pump Ramón full of Dramamine, and then we head for my secret spot off the coast of Mexico.
You know, Clark, I feel so dumb about it now.
When you first got here, I was so scared to go talk to you.
I'm scared of a lot of things, but I don't want to live my life like that anymore.
- I really wanna - Oh, crap! - It's the cops! - Suspect in sight.
Officers in pursuit.
- - ["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS.]
- Stupid fence.
Give me a sec.
- [BELL RINGS.]
Everyone, to our bride Beth and Randro, from all of us here in this legal, normal backyard, we wish that you find happiness every single day.
- Chin-chin, everyone.
- Sorry, folks.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Officer.
Feel free to grab a baby succulent on your way out.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]