About a Boy (2014) s01e09 Episode Script

To the left.
Left, left, left! - There you go.
- Come on, like that.
[Mumbling.]
You got no game.
- Yeah! - Good "D.
" Our ball.
- Come on, now.
- Yeah, yeah! Uncool, Will.
It's a clean game.
You don't see me shouting out the kid's weaknesses.
He's 11.
He's got nothing but weaknesses.
Yeah, in your face.
Excuse me, hoop men.
How's my little athlete? We gotta go get your allergy shots.
Mom, it's a tie game, and I can't let my partner down.
The next basket wins.
I'm trying to help Will win back that bedazzled belt from T.
J.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't use a word like "bedazzled" when describing something that represents 15 years of heated competition.
Come on, can we just play one more point? [In English accent.]
Excuse me, milady.
Hello, T.
J.
Nice to see you again.
May I borrow thee for just a few moments of thine time? I see you've been binging on Downton Abbey like I told you.
Continueth.
Yonder belt hath been in my possession for three months henceforth, and with thine permission, we may ensureth that it remaineth that wayeth.
And you can also watch me mop the floor with your neighbor.
Ooh, while I'd absolutely love to do that, I got to be on team Marcus on this one.
Andy, come on, we have game night tonight.
The living room is not gonna clean itself.
Will, T.
J.
, are you coming to my game night? I need a straight answer.
Let me think about that, Laurie, okay? Hold on one second.
Charades, your sister who's another you, Bublé on Pandora, that's a pass.
I'm crushed.
T.
J.
, I'm sorry.
That means you're out too 'cause I need an even number.
Oh, wait.
I think I'm having an amazing idea.
Yeah, I am.
You should come.
What? Me? Ooh, I love games.
Are you any good? 'Cause I can't play with rubbish.
- Do I look like rubbish? - A bit.
I'm sure you'll clean up nicely, won't you? - I'll come to game night.
- Great.
I'll see you tonight.
Really gonna miss you, Will.
Here we go [Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog).]
Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I already done, don't Here comes a comeback the kid is back, is back on track And there goes my hero he's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and [Cheers and applause.]
He took the belt illegally, and you just stood there.
You let it happen.
You let him win.
I was on his team.
It was a victory for me too.
And he was just showing off for Fiona.
Oh, why would you even say something like that? So he dates Fiona.
What do you care? There's only one way that would end: disaster.
Maybe they go out, and they fall madly in love.
Oh, yeah? Well, that's very bad for me.
She's over here all the time.
She's all up in my world.
T.
J.
is suddenly a vegan, okay? A vegan.
Poker night turns into couples yoga therapy.
We're all speaking the king's English.
What if they go out a couple times and then it just fizzles? That is also very bad.
Let me explain it to you.
She doesn't take it well.
She's sad and vulnerable, and suddenly she joins a cult, and this house becomes Waco Central.
- You're insane.
- You know what? What am I even worried about? There is no way that Fiona would ever be interested in T.
J.
- It's T.
J.
- This was a good talk.
- Thank you.
- [Knock at door.]
Okay.
Hello.
I know it's a bit presumptuous, but as you're not going out tonight, can you watch Marcus? 'Cause my usual sitter just canceled.
Did you just look at my boobs? Uh, what? No, no.
I mean, I did, yes, but it's just a reflex, so don't be flattered.
Does the fact that I'm now covering up my boobs suggest flattery? Well, you're you're dressed up.
- Why why are you dressed up? - Oh, I don't know.
I just, you know, wanted to look nice for game night.
- [Chuckles.]
- Right.
- What about Marcus? - Uh, let me think.
- What what was the question? - Can you watch Marcus tonight? No, no, no, I can't.
I'm gonna be at Andy's.
- But I thought you said - No, I love games.
I love game night.
I love the whole thing.
So I'll see you there.
Okay, well, I'll see you there.
I'm actually quite looking forward to it.
I love games.
Did you just look at my boobs again? [Scoffs.]
You brought 'em.
All right? What are you doing? You can't come to game night.
Odd numbers.
Laurie will freak.
- Laurie will freak out.
- Did you just see her outfit? She thinks this is a date.
- I need to stop this, Andy.
- I don't care.
All I care about is tonight going well.
This is a rare opportunity for me to have sex.
What kind of game night is this? It's the kind where Laurie gets in a good mood.
She's got a wine buzz going on.
Grandparents have the kids all night.
Then odd numbers odd numbers ruin the whole thing.
All right, I'll bring a date.
No prostitutes.
Oh, this one sounds kind of promising.
Janine Rotterdale.
You put four stars next to her name.
Well, those aren't the kind of stars you can bring to a game night, Marcus.
- Who's next? - Cassandra Krull.
Her forte really isn't game night, although she does excel in other areas.
- Misty Laurel? - Uh Dakota Glen? [Chuckles.]
No.
The girl I bring needs to be awesome.
She needs to be the total package, someone who can beat T.
J.
into humiliation but still keep the night, you know, fun.
- She needs to be like - Dr.
Samantha Lake.
She's the next person in your contacts.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, absolutely not.
My situation with Sam is way too precarious right now.
I can't have Laurie insulting me and T.
J.
hitting on someone.
When I make my move on Sam, it needs to be perfect.
Hi, Dr.
Sam.
This is Marcus.
- Will's best friend.
- Hey, Marcus.
Marcus, tell me you did not just call Sam.
Okay, okay, so Will was wondering if you'd like to join him for game night tonight.
- Marcus.
- Andy's house.
Game night, seriously? Like what, scattergories? She's wondering if you play scattergories.
I don't even know what that is.
Okay, we're a little bit unclear on the scattergories front, but Will needs a date, like, really bad.
- Just - How can I say no to you? And by some minor miracle, I actually have the night off, so just have Will send me the deets, and I'll be there when my shift ends.
Sounds like a plan.
She said yes.
Don't you ever, ever, ever do that again.
- Did she sound excited? - Yeah.
Cool.
Just one more time.
Just one more time.
[Knock at door.]
- Oh, there she is.
- You're alone.
You look lovely tonight.
Look at that belt.
That's a cute little button you got there on your sleeve.
What is this? What are we playing? Just playing the games you're providing tonight and excited to be doing so.
You're creeping me out, but the orchid is beautiful.
I'm taking this and this.
What are you doing? - Do not engage her.
- I was just being nice.
What's your game? What are you playing? You are worse than your wife.
Okay, look, Dr.
Sam is coming tonight, and I just need everything to go well.
Not as much as I do.
When Laurie's happy, Andy's happy.
Beautiful.
Well, then we're a team, all right? Bring it in.
Come on, now.
- Hello, people of game night! - Oh, my.
- Is he wearing - [Groaning.]
Wow, really? Yeah, you brought it.
That's good.
That's a real class act.
Yo, yo, yo, Richard and Richard's wife.
What's up? What's up? It's Ann.
I've known you for a decade.
- You were at our wedding.
- And where is milady? You got to stop saying that, dude, all right? It's getting old.
She's dropping Marcus off at the babysitter, hon.
Oh, righteous.
- Mama's got a hall pass.
- Nice.
You think you got a hall pass? I'm a chaperone from hell.
She's nice Cheryl.
You'll like her.
I met her volunteering at the animal shelter.
This house is too nice.
It feels unsettling.
Oh, darling, it'll be all right.
She's got three daughters.
You might have fun.
Hi, Cheryl.
Hi.
You're a lifesaver for taking Marcus.
Thank you.
They must keep Cinderella in the back.
Good win today.
Hard fought.
- Put it there.
- What's your game? Nothing.
- Oh.
- Now that you bring it up, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
Psst.
Oh, buddy.
It is on.
You're not actually thinking about doing something with her.
- Milady.
- [Groans.]
That's really fun to say.
You guys, T.
J.
and Fiona, it's happening.
- It is not happening, okay? - It is.
Andy, tiebreaker.
What do you see? I see love blossoming.
[Gasps.]
God, this turns me on.
I thought you were on my team, man.
Just switched sides.
How old do you think he is? I'm guessing he's a very pale nine.
Actually, I'm a slightly pale 11.
We're not talking to you.
- We're talking about you.
- Right, right.
Sorry, ma'am.
- He's perfect.
- Perfect for? Sorry.
Katie, get in here.
Oh, sorry.
Hi.
On the outside, I was rooting for Marcus, but on the inside, I was sort of hoping that'd you beat the crap out of Will.
I was inspired by my audience.
[Chuckles.]
Well, you're very smooth, aren't you? Fiona, I think tonight we're gonna be unstoppable.
Are we? Oh, with your game skills and my willingness to do whatever it takes to win, it is on.
Hey, Fiona.
Can I talk to you for a second? Fiona, could I get a woman's help in the kitchen? - I need to talk to her.
- No.
You need to figure out where your supposed date is.
Gaming starts in five minutes.
I need an even number.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Tell me what I'm seeing.
What is happening with you and T.
J.
? Loving your boobs, by the way.
My kids destroyed mine.
Oh, I thought we were coming in here to chop vegetables.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We are talking about you and T.
J.
- What are our chances? - Oh, are we really gonna talk [stammers.]
Okay.
Um, well, what sort of a person do you think he is? Do you think that he's caring, that he's socially responsible? He's hot.
Let's pretend Andy's dead for a second.
Just God forbid.
I would mourn for a respectable month or two, and then I would hit that Hard.
So hard.
Would you? Hmm.
Don't know that he's the sort of person I'd normally choose, but I haven't been doing a lot of choosing recently.
Mm-hmm.
Does have a nice laugh, though, doesn't he? Cheeky little bugger.
This makes me so happy.
Andy, more wine.
All right.
How my ladies doing? Good.
Thanks, babe.
That's okay.
That's a lot.
- Whoa.
- [Laughs.]
All right, we can't do this with an odd number.
I'm just gonna say it.
Will You're out of here.
Get out of my house.
She's gonna be here soon.
We don't have to start right away.
I mean, we can wait a couple minutes, right? Yeah.
Andy, I'm getting very tense.
Will, please get out of my house.
T.
J.
, can I talk to you in the kitchen? All right, here we go.
- What are you doing? - A little quick talk.
Dude, what the hell are you doing with Fiona? I'm trying to literally charm the pants off of her.
What does it look like I'm doing? - Well, don't.
- Why? Because I'm asking nicely and I'd appreciate it.
[Sighs.]
I'm totally hitting that later.
T.
J.
, do not.
Do not hit that.
What is wrong with you, man? What, do you like her or something? [Sighs.]
- Yes.
- [Chuckles.]
I like her, man.
I've been crushing so hard on that.
- Really? - Yeah.
I totally have this thing.
It's like like, you know, I'm going crazy.
Like, my heart pitter patter.
It's kind of exciting.
So it's like I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me have, you know, milady.
Do you remember that time in Tahoe where I called dibs on that girl in the hot tub? You're gonna have to be more specific.
You didn't let me have her, okay, and I'm not gonna let you have Fiona.
- T.
J.
- And if you want her - T.
J.
- Then that's fine.
New competition.
Yeah.
First one to bag Fiona gets the belt.
What? That is so disrespectful, man.
That is the woman that I that I love.
Okay, Marcus.
Truth or dare.
Truth.
Big fan of truth.
Always have been.
I'll tell you anything you want to know.
What's your biggest fear? Besides this, I'd have to say it's a tie between water snakes and peanuts.
A single peanut could kill me.
Really? Me too.
Like, instant throat closure.
Pistachios and Brazil nuts too.
Dude, no way.
Any sort of tree nut for me.
If I'm even in the same room as a cashew Me too.
Like, immediate death.
All right, my turn.
Katie, truth or dare? - I choose truth.
- I dare you to kiss Marcus.
- But - I dare you to kiss Marcus.
Since we only have an odd number, the only thing we can play is charades, so - Squeeze in here.
- What? There's no room.
- I just need to squeeze in.
- Okay.
There's actually not a seat here.
I know, but there's no other seats anywhere.
- Will.
- It's all good.
First up is Will.
Will.
- You're up.
- You're up.
- You got to get up.
- I just sat down.
- He called your name.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
- Let's do this.
- Come on, Will.
- Here we go.
- Go, Will.
What do we got? Um Right.
What have we got? - [Chuckles.]
Can't believe him sometimes.
- ___ - Here we go.
- All right, uh - I'm going to go like this.
- Driving.
- Shooting.
- Driving.
Shooting.
- No, no, just keep - Diving.
[Overlapping chatter.]
- A very angry man.
- Color Purple.
- Uh - Angry man.
- Make a signal.
- What? All right, T.
J.
, get your hands off her, man.
- Honestly, stop it.
- Will.
Fiona, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, but I forbid you to sleep with him.
Did you just forbid me to do something? I forbid you to do T.
J.
Yes.
Oh, it's 'cause you don't want me in your world, isn't it? Is it really so awful to be around me? Nope, that's not it at all.
He's in love with you.
- [Groans.]
- All: What? - What? - Oh.
Hey.
You made it.
[Laughter.]
And don't come out until you finish your dare.
[Both giggle.]
[Both smooch.]
So, uh so what is this? Is it is it granite? It could be soapstone.
You know, whatever it is, the craftsmanship is impeccable.
I'm sorry, Marcus.
I truly am, but you don't know my sisters.
There's only one way out of here.
[Sighs.]
Ew, no.
I took these peanuts from the pantry.
We each eat one together.
I never thought tonight would end with a suicide pact.
But you're right.
This is the only way.
And I want to let you know that it was really nice meeting you.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're nice.
You're nice too, Marcus.
You know, there is another way out of here.
- We could fly.
- We could lie.
Wait, did you just say "fly"? I said "lie.
" That's better.
Everything has an explanation, okay? I don't want to hear it.
I'm gonna leave.
- No, no, no.
- No, no.
We finally have even numbers.
Please.
Andy, let it go.
Game night is over.
I will not let it go.
All right, everybody just sit the hell down.
I'm going to tell everyone what is going on.
- Please sit down.
- Fine.
All right, stay standing.
That's fine.
Okay, here's the deal.
I am not in love with Fiona, not even a little.
I only said that, so T.
J.
would back off.
What? Why? Because he hates the idea of me dating one of his friends.
That's not true.
It's because he's not good enough for you, Fiona.
Dude, harsh.
You are a competition.
As T.
J.
said, whoever bags Fiona gets the belt.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Disgusting.
Dude, now neither one of us is gonna get to have sex with her.
Dude, I never wanted to have sex with her.
I wanted to have sex with her.
[Screeches.]
Not not for a belt.
Not not as a conquest.
I-I-I I just I have feelings for you.
[Sighs.]
And I'm sorry, Fiona.
I really am.
I didn't you're too cool to be the conquest of some douche bag.
Douche bag! Come on.
- Oh, T.
J.
- [Grunts.]
Come on.
Not on game night! - Andy! - Not on game night! No biting! Ow! - Thank you both for coming.
- Bye.
Laurie, did you see Sam's face when she left? Get out of my house, you game night assassin.
Okay, okay.
Listen, buddy, man, I'm sorry I ruined your chances of getting lucky.
Oh, it's not over yet.
Hey, honey.
Forget it, Andy.
[Door closes.]
[Both gasp.]
- So did you do it? - We totally kissed.
- Right, Marcus? - Yeah.
Our lips pressed together and everything.
- You didn't kiss.
- Yeah, you're liars.
Are not.
We kissed.
Yeah, who knows what kind of microorganisms - were transferred? - Fine.
If you kissed, then it'd be totally no big deal if you kissed again.
- Fine.
- Huh? We'll just do it again, just like we did in there a minute ago.
Oh, I don't think I think - Ew! - They did it! - Ew! - Oh, my gosh.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
- Wow, that was ew.
My first kiss.
My third kiss.
[Sighs.]
How'd things go with your lady? Not not so well.
- Really? - Yeah.
So how old were you when you got your first kiss? Don't worry about it, buddy.
It'll happen soon enough.
- 11.
- What? Oh, that's right.
Details aren't important.
But let's just say I'm a man now.
[Knock at door.]
Oh, that's my mom.
Don't rat me out.
Just a minute.
Oh, yeah.
Just come right in.
- Oh, no, I will.
- No problem.
Um, a lot happened tonight, so I think we should have some words.
Yeah.
No, you're welcome.
- For? - For defending your honor.
What? No.
No, those were not the words that I was thinking of.
You pretended to be in love with me.
[Laughs.]
- Again, you're welcome.
- Okay.
I've been taking care of myself for a very long time now with only a few minor hiccups along the way, been doing a fairly good job of it.
So next time someone wants to take me out and have sex with me to win a belt, just tell me.
Yeah, no.
I hear that.
- I got that.
- Okay.
- Well, good night.
- Good night, Fiona.
Uh In your own very misguided way, you did do an honorable thing tonight, Will, and thank you.
Did you just look at my boobs again? - No, I did not.
- Yes, you did.
Get over yourself.
Get out of here.
Good God.
One-track mind.
[Pounding.]
Okay, Fiona.
I did take a glance at the boobs again.
They're solid, okay? Well, that just derailed the entire speech I had planned.
I-I can't I I don't know what's wrong with me.
I can't even I will you please come in? Well, as I drove away from the weirdest ten minutes of a party I've ever been to Yeah.
Two things stuck with me.
One, that was a very cool thing you did for your friend.
Two, that you have feelings for me.
How do you feel about that? Well, you kind of made a grand gesture, so I felt like I had to return the grand gesture.
I went back for my coat, and Laurie said to get this cheap piece of crap out of her house, so I thought I'd bring it to you.
The way I see it, you were the better man tonight.
I have to get back to work.
But Okay.
[Fialta's Sleepy Time.]
Hey, you got to be careful with that, all right? Shut up.
- You have to go to work? - I have to go to work.
- That's so evil.
- [Laughs.]