Accidentally on Purpose s01e09 Episode Script

Oh, the irony.
They put the contraceptives right next to the baby food.
Dude, now that I'm going to be a dad, I'm realizing how expensive this baby stuff is.
Good thing Billie's planning on breast-feeding.
Mmm.
This tiny can of formula costs more than a 12-ounce beer.
Imagine if beer came out of boobs.
That would combine two of my favorite things.
Hey, dude, last week, when we were at the restaurant and you were working, did you notice that Billie's friend Olivia kind of disappeared as soon as the check came out? Well, I covered her share, so she owes me eight bucks.
It's just eight bucks.
Just eight bucks? Dude, eight bucks buys you a joyless lunchtime lap dance down by the airport.
You should see this list of baby essentials.
When all is said and done, that single orgasm is going to cost me $450,000.
You should write that down.
It'll go good in a birthday card someday.
What the hell is a wipe warmer? Why does it cost $30? It keeps the baby wipes warm so their little baby butts don't get cold and pucker up.
All right.
So, then, what's a Diaper Genie? It must be the bottom rung of genies.
No, bro, that is a must-have.
It twists the diaper into a never-ending sausage of baby crap.
And just like that, I've lost my appetite to ever eat sausage again.
Maybe I should get a second job.
I could always donate my sperm we know that works.
We'll be okay.
I have a great job at the paper.
You should be focusing on becoming a chef.
You know, when I was your age Oh, you know, I hate it when you start sentences that way.
So do I.
Anyway, I was a go-getter.
I didn't take no for an answer.
I'd watch ten movies every weekend and mail my reviews to papers all across the country.
Why didn't you just post them on the Internet? 'Cause I'm crazy old.
Finally, a brilliant editor in Chickasaw, Oklahoma printed my review of Braveheart or, as that headline read, "Chickasaw, Oklahoma Gets Movie Theater.
" But that put me on the map and led me to becoming a film critic for the fifth largest market in the United States of America.
Yeah, well, I'd ask my boss to let me be sous-chef for a night, but he's a jackass in the fifth largest market in the United States of America.
Well, don't let that stop you.
You got to go for it.
March on in there with your best dish.
What was that cheesy rice thing you made the other day? Oh, it was one of the restaurant's specials.
It was a three-mushroom risotto with a saffron truffle oil - and a reduction of - Cheesy rice thing.
The point is, you'll impress your boss, and then you can ask him to be sous-chef for a night.
What, like an audition? Just focus on what you love to do, and the money will follow.
What do you think the guy who invented the Diaper Genie loved to do? # I can't be anything without you.
# I had to stop at a gas station on the way here to pee.
And that was not easy, because the gas station did not have a bathroom.
Did you get my texts? Yes, all three of them.
"Emergency at work.
" "Where the hell are you?" "Bring your riding crop.
" That last one wasn't meant for you.
Look, I wanted to tell you, James is meeting with a film blogger Max Silver.
What? Why? As your friend, I think this face is appropriate.
Hey, you want an Italian soda? The guys from the Lifestyle section think they're hiding them from me in here, but they're not.
I just heard something hysterically, impossibly impossible.
And I know that there's no way it could be true.
Well, why don't you tell me what you heard, and I'll stop you when you're wrong.
I heard that you're meeting with someone.
Another film critic.
Oh, my God.
Why are you not stopping me? Because I'm meeting with another film critic.
Did I do something to annoy you? Since you broke up with me on top of the Eiffel Tower and got pregnant with a 12-year-old's baby Nope, we're all good.
So, that's what this is about.
It's personal.
Hey, I need to line someone up for when you're on maternity leave.
It's precaution.
Like a condom on your job.
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Just so you know, I'm not going out on maternity leave.
I worked all the way through my pneumonia, even during Y2K, and after I dyed my hair red, I showed up here, and that took balls.
Billie I'm planning on delivering the baby on a Friday, having a lovely 48 hours of bonding and then being back at my desk on Monday, just like I was in some kind of crazy contest.
That sounds like a great plan, but I have to think about my business.
Oh, and here he is.
- Max! - Big James.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Billie, this is Max Silver our substitute you.
He has personally guaranteed me that he will not get pregnant with another man's baby.
Hey, Billie, I read your piece on Scorsese.
Oh, I loved Goodfellas so much.
Who played the wife in that? Oh, I know this.
Oh, what was her name? Lorraine Bracco.
Lorraine Bracco! Lorraine Bracco! He's a great kid.
You have nothing to worry about.
Your job is secure.
He says my job is secure.
Yeah.
He also said one day he was going to marry you.
Hey, you think it's too late to back out of this sous-chef thing? I'm You know, I freak under pressure.
Here's the thing, bro.
- Zack! - Ah, it's too late.
I got to tell you, Zack, this is some pretty good risotto.
Sometimes when Marco makes it, it comes out watery.
I know.
So I was thinking maybe you could, you know, give me a shot at being a sous-chef for a night.
Show you what else I don't make watery.
Tell you what how about Tuesday? Oh, God! How about Monday? Yeah, perfect.
You should have seen that weasel, Max, with his Internet shirt and his blog hair.
What happens if I go on maternity leave and James fires me? He can't do that.
It's illegal.
Oh, so you're a lawyer now.
Fascinating.
- What's your problem? - Nothing.
I have a baby to support.
I can't go back working at the Chickasaw Sentinel.
Billie, you're getting way ahead of yourself.
How do you know that? Do you have a crystal ball? I doubt it.
Seriously, what is your problem? - Nothing.
- Stop it.
You guys, I could lose my job.
And then how am I supposed to get money? I'll have to enter my baby in those baby beauty contests.
And what if my baby's ugly? She'll lose.
You're not going to be on maternity leave for another five months.
You're a great writer.
You've got a loyal following, you're Oh, break's over.
I knew it.
I knew she would leave us with the check.
That's why I was giving her the business.
What are you talking about? She never pays.
Oh, look, it's Don Johnson.
Yeah, you're right, 'cause that totally wasn't Don Johnson.
It's because she's Scottish.
Why are you whispering? Because I'm Prejudiced.
Max is on his way over here.
We're going to have a little film critics meeting.
Oh, I remember a year ago when "have a film critics meeting" was code for "let's do it on your desk.
" You remember those days when you liked me? All right.
Check it out I got a copy coming tomorrow of a little movie called Ocean of Tears.
You heard of it? - I've heard the hell out of it.
- Yeah, well, I got a source to hook me up with a cut, so we could totally pwn the other papers.
I'm talking pure pwnage.
Po what? It's an Internet term.
You know what, let me use a, uh, old-timey phrase "So we can get the scoop on 'em, Chief.
" So, I guess when you get the DVD, just get it to me.
I'll write it up, and I'll see you in five months.
Actually, you know what, I I scored the DVD, so I should probably write it up.
Actually, it's actually my column, so I should actually do it.
Actually, you both have a valid argument, so how about this you watch it together, you both write a review, and I'll print which one I like best.
Great.
- Great.
Great.
I'm going to go hit a bucket of balls.
Listen, I like you, but I'm not waiting five months for my shot.
I need this job now.
Well, I don't like you.
Even more so now.
More so than anyone who has ever stood where you are standing.
So it is on, Max.
Max von Sydow starred in Hannah and Her Sisters.
Won Best Screenplay in 1986.
I don't need Google.
I got it all right up here.
Bam, blogger.
You just got pwned! James is making me compete against Max for my own column.
I can't believe what a jerk he's being.
No, this is normal.
This is what he's like with everybody.
You just never noticed it before because you were shagging him.
Well, all in all, I prefer the other way of getting screwed.
You can't be seriously worried about losing your job to that Max guy.
Yes, I can.
There's not a lot of film critic jobs as it is; and if I lose this one, then what? My only skill is watching movies and writing what I think.
I mean, I could write my opinion about other things, but my Aunt Pam does that all the time, and nobody pays her and everyone just thinks she's annoying.
Okay, calm down.
Sure, Max Silver is clever and funny, but that's not what you're about.
Great at risotto, bad at pep talks.
What if Silver writes a better thing than me? I mean, I just said "thing.
" That's bad writing.
You are a great writer.
I've learned a lot of sexy words in your column.
Motif.
Tour de force.
Gerard Depardieu.
Well, I'm glad you had a good day.
Oh, because I listened to you.
My risotto should be in the rice hall of fame.
Now all I have to do is not screw Monday night up.
You won't.
You'll be fantastic.
And I'm not just saying that because you have your shirt off.
And I'm vulnerable because I had a bad time at work.
And your shoulder muscles ripple every time you move your toothbrush.
I should go to my room.
Oh! It's a wall.
- Hey! - Oh.
If you're looking for Billie, she's in a screening.
I'm not looking for Billie.
I'm here for my eight bucks.
What are you talking about? The other night, you left before you paid.
I covered your share.
How much did it cost you to get here? Four bucks.
How much will it cost you to get back? Four bucks.
There's your eight bucks.
We're even.
No, that just means you owe me 16 bucks! Security! Crazy man behind me shouting numbers.
I'm terrified.
This isn't over! I'm coming for you, Highlander! Max, I got to pee.
Uh-huh.
Recognize that framing.
You saw that, right? Metaphor.
Okay, come on, dude.
Shh.
I'm pregnant.
I'm peeing for two.
Whose fault is that? Okay, I don't have time to explain human sex to you, okay? - Just pause the damn - Sorry.
It ruins the continuity.
You can just finish the rest later.
MAN This rain.
This endless rain.
It's making me cry.
What a release.
And thus ends the first time you've ever watched a movie with a girl.
Hey, can I get that DVD? 'Cause I need to see the last ten minutes.
Where did I put that thing? Oh, right, the mailbox.
Whatever.
I'll write it up.
You won't.
Oh, well.
So, you're going to cheat because you know you're not as good as I am.
Listen, I get 10,000 hits a day.
You're about to get one more.
If you think you can sabotage me, then you don't know Billie Chase.
I am so screwed! On the plus side, I'm single and having a baby.
That's how you do it.
I just Zacked it up a notch.
Just a little catchphrase thing I've been playing around with.
Here you go, sir.
Your meal.
I'm still waiting for the wine.
Ow! This is delicious.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's undercooked.
Damn it! Mmm, the sauce is really great.
Stop eating that.
You could die! I can't even make one test meal.
You did.
There's nothing wrong with rare chicken.
We're screwed.
I'm going to lose my job, and you and me and the baby are going to be living in the van, and we're going to have to be warming up our baby wipes on the freakin' tailpipe! You're going to lose your job? No, no, no, no, because you can't.
I'm going to lose my job.
Yeah, that's raw.
What are you talking about? You told me I could do this, but I'm not ready, and now I'm going to blow my only chance! Stop it! You're both acting like a couple of drama queens.
So you lose your job.
So you blow up the restaurant.
So I sleep in your bed while you're at work.
The point is, Zack, this is your M.
O.
, man.
You always panic, but then you succeed.
Yeah.
Like when you lost your virginity.
Dude, you were born to be a chef, okay? When the stork brought you, you grabbed that bird and cooked it into something delicious.
Pregnant Lady, I kind of space out when you start talking so I'm not entirely sure what your problem is.
I need a DVD of a movie that hasn't been released yet, or James is going to fire me.
I can get you any DVD you want.
I can get you a DVD of this conversation.
Yeah, take her to Jabba.
- Jabba.
- Jabba.
You get me that DVD, and you can sleep in my bed with me in it.
Ooh, can I have a word with you just for a second? Make it quick.
I got a hot stone massage at 7:00.
Well, first of all, I would like to say that you are very handsome, because I know that you could fire me at any second.
I have to say l-I think it's a real shame the way you're treating Billie.
And you wouldn't be torturing her like this if you didn't still care, which I know that you do.
So, if you have got any sense and there's still a heart in that cold chest of yours, you'll dial it back and stop behaving like a bloody jackass! Did you used to be a model? This guy can get you any screener you want.
Just don't look him in the eye.
And his name tag says "Eric," but you have to call him Jabba.
And you must present him with this egg sandwich.
Okay.
Excuse me, Mr.
Hutt uh, Jabba? Um, I'm having a little trouble at work, - and I was told - Do you have something for me? - Hey! Psst! - Oh, a sandwich.
- What's up, ladies? - Hello.
I hooked Billie up with Mr.
Hutt.
She'll be here as soon as she's done her review.
Hey, these pomegranate martinis are filled with antioxidants.
- And they're expensive.
- Yes.
She's going to pay for everything tonight.
Doe she owe you money, too? We'll take another round.
I'm running up a big bill, and then sticking Olivia with the check.
- Hey.
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
How's it going? Uh, good.
I'm kind of sweating in all the food, but I think I'm pulling it off.
See? Cooking for two people, cooking for 50 it's not that different.
There's 50 people here? Don't worry.
People love you.
- Thanks.
- They'll love your sweat.
How'd it go for you? I wrote the most beautiful, poetic review of my life.
And if you look vertically down the left side column, the letters spell out "Suck it, Max Silver.
" Of course, James still may hate it, but if he does, you can kick his ass for me, right? I'd be happy to, if I survive tonight.
How did you do? I knocked it out of the park.
Oh, perfect.
You know how you should celebrate? Order something expensive.
Yes.
What the hell is that dirtbag doing here? Hey, Billie, um, Olivia told me where you were.
I have to tell you something, and I really didn't want to do it over the phone.
Oh, my God, you hated my review.
I'm fired.
No.
Look I may have brought this Max kid on a little early, possibly out of spite.
Check that definitely out of spite.
He's really annoying, isn't he? Yeah, I'd like to, like, pin him down and shave that little blog-fro.
Your job is safe.
Billie, that review was fantastic.
You're a terrific writer.
You always have been.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You can't imagine how good that makes me feel.
I don't know if it's just the hormones affecting me, but I'm really happy.
Now I can get that crap sausage machine! Oh, that's it.
Sorry, dude.
I did not know she was crying tears of joy.
That was my bad.
No, no, it's okay, 'cause I've been looking for an opportunity to punch you for a long time, so thanks.
Yeah, you're welcome.
You've got a really hard face, dude.
I work out.
Okay, one for the ex, one for the baby daddy.
I've never had two guys fight over me when I wasn't sleeping with either one of them.
Hey, thanks for coming tonight, Billie.
It really meant a lot to me.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
You know what I was thinking? We're not naming our baby Max.
Or Maxine.
Hey, what was that name you said the other day? - Isabella.
- Yeah, I really like that.
This is really awkward for me.
L- I have to cover a story at city hall.
- No.
No.
You know what? I'm I'm actually really offended by this, because I have paid for a lot of things that you are not even acknowledging.
And I think it's all because you two have both got some sort of prejudice against Scottish people.
Well, there we are.
If this will lay the horrible stereotypes to rest fine.
Happy? Now I feel really bad.
You shouldn't.
That's my purse.