Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 ALEX: A lot of things can disturb your peaceful domestic life, but nothing disturbs it more Alex's cheesy eggs-travaganza for my handsome son, my beautiful wife than your mother-in-law.
- Joya? - No, thank you.
I'd like to live until Thursday.
You know, Joya, it's so great you were able to fly in for Soraya's recital.
A lot of people would have settled for a high-quality recording of the event, and yet you came all this way, and two days early, which, again, is so, so, so great.
Too many so's, bud.
- Sorry.
- Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
I still have such fond memories of Ben's recitals.
I still remember the beautiful solo you did in second grade.
They called me a young Susan Boyle.
And by "they," he means me.
There's my little Soraya Carey! Hi, boo-bear! Dad, I don't feel good.
My throat's tickly and my head hurts.
Let me feel.
Oh, she's burning up.
She's like the surface of the sun.
Come here.
She's not even warm.
Really? Then maybe I'm sick.
Check my uvula.
No, you're both fine.
You, go get dressed.
Are you sure we shouldn't keep her home just to be safe? Oh, here we go.
Al, you're so overprotective.
It's just a little headache.
Don't forget about that throat tickle.
You two coddle these children.
- I don't! - I don't coddle anyone.
What are you talk Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That cheese is piping hot.
Let me give that some wind.
[Blowing.]
Good to go.
What? Feel better, sweetie! [Speaking Bengali.]
Where does your mother get off criticizing every single parenting decision we make? Well, she did raise two pretty amazing kids, if I do say so myself.
And unlike us, she and my dad never disagreed about whether or not to send us to school.
In fact, I've never even seen them fight.
They never fought? All couples fight.
No.
Not my parents.
Okay, well, then she's so great.
I think we're pretty darn good parents, too.
So she can mind her own business.
What are you doing? I'm downloading a translating app.
I have a feeling she's talking smack about me in Bengali.
Oh, she is.
There, now you don't need the app.
Mwah! Translate "I love you a lot.
" [Translates in Bengali.]
[Speaks Bengali.]
Oh, that's nice.
You just said you'd be better off without me.
- What?! - But in your defense, those two things sound very similar.
I'm not gonna tell you how to run your language, but they probably shouldn't be so close.
I'll talk to my people.
- Stupid app! - Hatachara app.
Hatachara app! Back at the office, we had just had an extensive focus group on our new podcast, and I was waiting patiently to hear all the feedback.
- Is it ready? - No.
- How about now? - Not yet.
- What about now? - Still no.
Okay, maybe patiently was rounding it up.
Al, take it easy.
She's working on it.
I'm just so excited, Eddie.
To hear what a bunch of random people thought - about the podcast? - It's not random.
Focus groups are a precise science.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Huh, it's Soraya's school.
This is Alex.
I don't know, that focus group didn't seem so impressive to me.
I saw one guy startle himself in the mirror.
His opinion counts just as much as anyone else's.
And in his defense, he's a twin, so he probably thought he saw his brother.
Hey.
Guess what? Soraya is sick.
I can't wait to rub it in Rooni's smug face.
- Ah, love.
- I got to go pick her up.
But what about all my data? Is it ready yet? Alex, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna get you the data soon, and then we're gonna change the world together.
- Is that what I sound like? - Worse.
Oof.
- Is it ready now? - I will kill you both.
You may be wondering why I'm home in the middle of a work day.
Is it because you have a made-up job? No, it's because my daughter, whom you may remember I suspected was sick this morning is in fact sick.
Go and rest, sweetie.
Can you make it up the stairs? My throat hurts, not my legs.
What a brave little soldier.
Don't worry, we're gonna get you better for the recital! And what's wrong with her? Well, the nurse diagnosed her as low-energy, lethargic, and not herself.
Not herself, Joya.
She's so sick, the nurse didn't even recognize her.
Is this the same nurse that diagnosed Ben with "a bad case of the Mondays?" You know, you sound just like Rooni.
She doesn't believe there's such a thing as "the Mondays," either.
She also has a completely different interpretation of the term "hump day," which she reminds me every time I try to celebrate Hump Day.
[Speaking Bengali.]
Could you repeat that, please? False alarm.
[Translating in Bengali.]
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Don't panic.
Why am I not panicking? All the feedback from the focus group is gone.
Every spreadsheet, every pie chart, every graph.
- Uh-huh.
- Stop panicking! I went to back up my computer, and instead, I restored from a previous back-up, and I deleted everything! Well, did you, uh, check the cloud? Oh, don't say that like you know what it means.
This is bad, Eddie.
EDDIE: Dee, it's okay.
People make mistakes.
Eddie, we paid $5,000 for that data, and Alex is gonna be so upset.
We have to fix this.
All right.
But just for the record, I don't see what the big deal is about a bunch of people sitting around giving their opinion.
You're right.
That's all a focus group is.
We can just round up people from the neighborhood.
They've got opinions.
We can make a focus group right here! That sounds like a lot of work.
Seems easier just to check that cloud.
[Slow clapping.]
Brava, Soraya.
Brava! What are you talking about, weirdo? You're not sick.
You're faking.
I am sick.
Achoo! Seriously? Okay.
I'm faking.
- Why? - It's none of your business.
Fine, but if you're gonna do it, you've got to do it right.
I'm not gonna let you ruin faking sick for both of us.
Really? You fake sick? All the time.
I have a stomach virus scheduled for next Friday.
We're supposed to climb a rope in gym class.
Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it.
All right.
- [Sneezes.]
- Bless you.
No need.
That sneeze wasn't real.
Whoa.
Class is in session.
[Speaking in Bengali.]
That's right, Joya.
Keep talking.
Talk all you want.
[Speaking Bengali.]
[Translating.]
We don't have to argue like this.
This is why we separated.
I'll call you back.
All right, I have to call you back, J onk.
That was my friend, J-Jonk.
Going through some tough times.
Poor Jonk.
Okay, I got to come clean.
I downloaded this app because I thought you'd been talking about me in Bengali.
I didn't mean to hear you were getting separated.
It's none of my business.
Whatever you heard stays between us.
- And Rooni.
- No.
I have not told her, and you will not tell her, either.
You didn't say the magic word.
Okay, that's good enough.
Stupid app! Hatachara app.
Hi, welcome to Ajana's second-ever focus group.
Help yourself to a square of pizza.
Pizza in little squares.
I want to kill myself.
So, you're gonna hear a podcast.
Just feel free to express yourself as much as you want.
- Do you have any questions? - Well, I have - [Cellphone rings.]
- Shut up, it's my boss.
Everybody be quiet! Hey, Alex.
ALEX: Guess what I just found out.
Rooni's parents are getting separated.
Oh, that's great.
I mean, not for them.
Unless that's what they want, in which case, we should respect their wishes.
How's Rooni taking it? She doesn't know, and Joya doesn't want me to tell her.
And you know I can't keep secrets from her.
I have to by all of Rooni's birthday presents day of.
Yeah.
Wow, I would not want to be you, keeping something from someone you love and respect.
Well, anyway, I'm just calling to let you know I'm coming in.
I want to check out that focus group data, and I cannot stay here.
Yes, you can! Of course you can.
You have to.
There's secrets and a divorce and a sick child who needs you.
Someone's probably gonna get kidnapped soon! Are you guys drinking over there? [Laughs.]
I wish! No, but seriously, Alex, I got this.
You stay put.
Yeah, I guess I should stay here.
I can do it.
I got this.
I can lie to Rooni and play it cool.
- Hi.
- Hi-ho! And might I also add the "derrio.
" SORAYA: [Coughs.]
[Clears throats.]
No, no, no.
You need to come from the diaphragm.
Again.
[Coughs.]
[Sighs.]
Okay.
All right.
Maybe we need to try a new approach.
Let's, uh, talk about your back story.
If we can't find it in the action, maybe we can find it in the character.
It's the details that make the lie.
It's the details that make you a nerd.
[Sighs.]
Moving past that.
Okay, let's start with the illness itself.
Uh, where did you get sick? Was it in the classroom? Was it on the playground? Did you forget to wash your hands? Did you get caught in the rain? Did you get bit by a bat? Did you bite a bat? If I say I got bit by a bat, will you stop talking? But what kind of bat? I brought this on myself.
Okay, Rooni's about to come back downstairs.
You got to tell her the big news.
What did I say about this? I'll tell her when I'm ready.
No, I can't keep secrets from Rooni.
It's eating away at me.
Time to rip off the Band-Aid.
- The Band-Aid stays.
- Hey! It's so nice to get home early and spend a little time with you guys.
So nice.
I'm gonna head out.
Oh, actually, I thought we could all cook dinner together.
Look, I'm just sick of all this tension between the two of you, and I want to do something about it.
So let's go! Bonding time.
Oh, no, no.
I-I don't think so.
I agree with your mother.
Terrible idea.
See? Now, look at that! You guys just agreed on something.
It's working already.
Well, let's quit while we're ahead - and go out on a high note.
- I agree once again.
Two for two.
Goodbye, Alex.
- Bye! - All right, bring it in.
By the time I'm done, you'll be braiding each other's hair and swappin' secrets.
No, no.
No secrets.
I vowed to never braid my hair again after St.
Thomas.
That woman went way too tight.
Alex, why are you fighting me on this? I think I hear Soraya crying.
I didn't hear anything.
It's very high-pitched.
Only a father can hear it.
Got to hand it to you, Dee.
Didn't think we could pull it off.
I guess people do like square pizza.
What are you talking about? We didn't pull it off.
- Look at these guys.
- What's the matter with them? What's the matter with them? They have all beards.
They're all wearing suspenders.
Three of them are named Wilt.
This is not a focus group, it is an Arcade Fire concert.
This only works if we have a cross-section of real people, and real people don't live in Brooklyn.
That's it.
I'm going to Times Square.
Dee, what are you doing? It's not worth it.
It's late.
Just tell Alex you messed up in the morning.
No.
I can't! I can't let him down, Eddie.
I'll give you a lift into the city if you don't mind sharing the sidecar with my micro pig.
Sure, Wilt.
Can I have a glass of water? Sure, baby.
Just keep this thermometer in your mouth, okay? We are gonna get you better in time for this recital.
My grandmother had some amazing home remedies.
Can you believe that she lived to the age of 103? And you know what, she might still be with us if she hadn't tried to use one of those home remedies on a wounded bear.
Man, she loved bears.
Let's see what we're working with here.
Your temperature is 135 degrees.
I told you it was a doozy.
So, I was right? She's not sick? She's been faking this whole time? I'm starting to think that nurse at school might just be a teacher they were unable to fire.
We're gonna have to punish her, Alex.
I mean, she lied to us.
I don't know, I think there's more going on here.
And if we come down too hard on her, we might not find out what that is.
Alex, you always coddle her, and that's exactly why she thinks she can get away with this stuff.
You know, if I pulled something like this, my parents would have grounded me for a week.
Oh, I forgot about your perfect parents.
They always knew what to do.
They have the same definition of "hump day.
" Maybe I don't want to be like your parents.
Because you like when our kids treat you like an idiot? Because I don't want to get divorced.
What? My parents aren't getting divorced.
Are my parents getting divorced? - Alex! - Joya! Hi-ho, and also the derrio.
[Sighs.]
Mom? Of all the possible outcomes of Joya's secret getting spilled, the last one I imagined was me being in trouble.
Wow, that was a long talk.
How are you? Mad.
At you for not telling me.
Okay, I'm so sorry, babe.
She said to keep it between us, and it felt like a real "Keep it between us," not the kind where you say it and you both know you're gonna tell your wife.
I got to be honest with you.
I mean, all of this has me pretty freaked out.
My parents were the last couple I would ever imagine this happening to.
They were rock-solid.
I mean, if if those guys can't make things work, I mean, who can? Really? Come on.
We can.
How do you know? They never even fought.
I mean, you and I fight all the time.
We don't fight, come on.
We have tiny disagreements about little things, like grapes.
You like red grapes over green grapes, which is crazy.
We fight about more than just grapes, Al.
We fight about how much money to save, about whether or not to refinish that basement, about how to raise our kids.
We only fight because your way is wrong.
I'm kidding! Come on.
I'm trying to make you laugh.
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Are you serious? Sweetheart.
I'm sor Guess I'm not celebrating Hump Day.
Whoa, Dee.
You look like one of those missing people they find living in someone's chicken coop.
I was in Times Square all night.
I got over 100 people to listen to the podcast and give us feedback.
It's a little bit of a different demographic than we were looking at before.
It's very heavy in Japanese tourists and people whose dogs talk to them, but the dogs love the show, so that's a positive.
Now all I have to do is compile the data before Alex gets in, and then my little mess-up will just be between you, me, and all the dirty superheroes in New York.
Deirdre, this is insane.
Is it? Is it insane? Because I have never let Alex down before, and I'm not about to start right now.
Dee, Alex doesn't respect you because you've never made mistakes.
He respects you because you're a hard worker who's really good at her job.
He's very lucky to have you.
Eddie, that is so not helpful right now.
I need to enter in all of these forms before Alex gets here.
You're a lost cause.
All right, let me help you.
Give me some of these.
This guy's from a place I've never heard of.
Your Mom's V I've heard of it.
I was thinking about how last night you said we always disagree on things, so I made a list of all the things we do agree on.
Here goes.
We both think leather couches are weird.
Second Becky was the best Becky.
Birds are not to be trusted.
- I do hate birds.
- What the hell are they always all up to? Just chill on a branch for two seconds.
No one cares.
Alex, Soraya won't get out of bed.
I've tried yelling at her, I've tried threatening to take things away, and she won't budge because she knows that when it comes down to it, one of us will always cave.
Okay, we might have different styles, but I can get results, too, all right? We've already tried your aggro-bad-cop.
Let me throw a little cuddly, friendly cop at her, - see what happens.
- Fine.
Cuddly, friendly cop has five minutes, and then I'm fireman-carrying her to the car.
Cuddly, friendly cop reporting for duty.
Wait, I don't trust you.
You didn't mention the handcuffs.
If I'm going to school, so is the chair.
Are those from Ben's magic cabinet? No.
I believe they are.
It's been a while, but Alakazam! Stupid magic.
I'm still not going to school.
Soraya, you do not have to go to school.
- Really? - What? If you tell me why you don't want to go.
Is there a bully? Did you not do your homework? Did you watch the first half of "West Side Story" yesterday and now you want to see what happens? 'Cause that's why I played hooky.
If I tell you, you promise I don't have to go to school? Yeah.
I don't want to do the recital.
What? Babe, you've been excited about it for months.
I'm scared I'm gonna mess up.
You're gonna be great.
Not as great as Ben.
He's so perfect at everything.
Oh, honey, no.
Soraya, Ben is not perfect.
Nobody's perfect.
Nothing in life is perfect, including marriages.
But that feeling that you're having about being scared about not being perfect, that's actually a good thing 'cause it means you're gonna try harder to figure things out.
Marriages only end when people stop trying to figure things out, and I promise you, I will never stop trying.
I think Soraya gets where you're coming from.
I think Soraya has no idea what you're talking about, and I know Soraya's still not going to school.
You know what, sweetie, I think there's something you should see.
Chillin' like a villain in the cut Like a cavity filling The meaning of raw is ready and willin' - What is this? Is that Ben? - Yep.
You're too young to remember his second-grade dance troupe.
"Ben Thugs in Harmony.
" My idea.
SORAYA: He's so bad! Yes.
Yes, he is.
You know what, he didn't let his fear of not being perfect stop him from going out there and shaking his moneymaker.
Well, I'm still a little bit scared, but, I mean, come on.
I guess I'll go to the recital.
But can I still skip school? - No! - No! - Come here, you.
- [Giggles.]
You're not skipping any more school! No more school skipping! None of this feedback is usable.
This guy wrote "Loved the movie.
Would definitely see again.
" - Hey, guys! - Alex! You're here! So early.
Yeah, well, I'm excited to see what people thought of the podcast.
Let's dig in! What's the matter? The data's gone, Al.
I lost it.
It was, um, an accident.
What are you talking about? You know how I am with computers.
A virus led to a server which led to a firewall that unfortunately we couldn't put out.
Eddie, how could possibly - I was - I made the mistake.
Eddie was taking the fall for me in a way that makes me suspect he lied about auditing that computer course at The New School.
But it was me.
You lost all of the data? I did.
You trusted me, and I made a mockery of that trust.
I'm garbage.
I'm less than human.
I'm like a worm person.
I don't deserve to be above ground.
Deirdre! You're not a worm person, okay? You deserve to be above ground.
With the rest of us.
Okay? Don't get me wrong, I'm not thrilled the data's gone, but you made a mistake.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my life.
- I could tell you stories.
- Eddie! But one of the best things I ever did was hire you.
I just need a minute.
Why is she crying? She, uh, slept in Times Square.
Hey.
You want to see a picture of a tiny pig in a fedora? Absolutely.
[Laughs.]
Aww! He got a little hat on.
[Applause.]
Excuse me.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, you didn't miss anything.
Joya, I wanted to say I got so carried away with trying to keep the secret that I forgot to say I'm sorry.
So, I'm sorry.
And please let me know if you ever want to talk.
I'm fine.
But thank you.
[Speaking Bengali.]
- What'd she say? - She said you're not so bad.
Yeah, right.
Our next performer is Miss Soraya Schuman.
[Cheers and applause.]
You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do And they settle 'neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes the shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out ALEX: Perfection is a funny thing.
We're all looking for it.
We all think we've caught a glimpse of it.
But the truth is, it doesn't really exist.
The best we can hope to do is keep practicing.
- I want to see you be brave - Keep talking through our problems.
See you And allow ourselves to make mistakes.
'Cause when we do that, occasionally, a funny thing happens.
We stumble upon something that may not be perfect but it just might be even better.
I wanna see you be brave Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! "Ben, do you feel okay? Those bags under your eyes don't look good.
" But, Dad, I can't miss school! There was an essay test I was so looking forward to! "Well, you don't think it's a stomach bug, do you?" - Ben.
- Aah! Occupied! - Occupied! - You're going to school.
Come on, Dad! The San Diego Zoo is live-streaming the birth of a baby condor.
That's today? Give me that makeup.