All About The Washingtons (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [knock on door.]
[Skyler.]
Wesley! Open this door! [laughs.]
Who is it? You know who it is! Ah, why, Skyler, what a pleasant surprise! You sabotaged my PowerPoint presentation.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
My presentation was supposed to be on the English poet Alexander Pope.
But someone changed every slide to Alexander Poop.
[laughs.]
Well, that someone must be very clever.
Wesley! You really need to check those things before you present them.
Cybersecurity's a real issue in this house.
This is so immature and not funny.
Come on, the English literary giant Poop! That seems undeniably funny.
I had important information to share with my class about poop.
- Pope.
- Pope! - [laughs.]
- [Skyler grunts.]
And no one could hear it over the laughter.
Laughter? So it was funny? You humiliated me, Wesley, and when the time is right, I will have my vengeance.
Poop.
[laughs.]
Ooh! All about the Washingtons It's like this, y'all Jus, let's go.
We got to get out of here.
I gotta see my Knicks destroy these Celtics.
Joey, if we leave now, we're, like, 45 minutes early! 45 minutes, that's barely enough time.
I need to buy my snacks and eat 'em before they start putting celebrities up on the Jumbotron.
Yeah, you do not wanna get caught mid hot dog on a 100-foot screen.
Again.
Okay, let me get my purse.
[cell phone rings.]
Hey, Malik.
- Hi, V, I'm so glad I got you.
- [baby crying.]
What was that? I have a baby.
[baby crying.]
- What do you mean you have a baby? - Baby? I knew it! What else is this guy hiding? I bet that's a Velcro Afro.
My sister dropped off Marcus.
She had to get an emergency root canal.
Oh, no, that's terrible.
I know! What does everything happen to me? Have you ever been alone with him before? No, and I can't calm him down, and I'm already out of diapers.
I went through six just to get through the first change.
Now I'm using coffee filters! Aren't coffee filters designed to let the liquid flow through them? Yes, now you're getting it! I have no idea what I'm doing.
- Please save me.
- [baby crying.]
All right.
Hold tight, I'm on my way.
Okay.
Thank you.
And bring diapers.
Oh, and coffee filters… and coffee! [chuckles.]
Guys, can you drop me off at Malik's on the way to the game? He's watching his sister's baby.
He needs help.
- A baby needs help.
Let's go! - Whoa.
I gotta get to my Knicks game.
Joey, the Knicks are grown men, they don't need help.
Have you seen their defense this season? - Dad, you're going right by there.
- But I wasn't planning on stopping.
I guess I could slow down to around 20.
Think you can survive that? Of course we can drive you in, and then we're gonna stop in and see that baby.
Jus, it's a random baby.
We don't even know that baby.
Why would we go see that baby? I haven't had a baby fix in so long, and this is perfect.
The parents won't be around, and I can bite those fat thighs all I want.
Fine.
One quick bite, but we gotta leave now.
Works for me.
[singing.]
Let's go get this baby! [video game sounds.]
Wes, we're leaving and taking Veronica with us.
- You're in charge now.
- All right, great.
I got this.
Shouldn't you leave me your credit card? There's food, the light's on.
What do you need a credit card for? Oh, you know, for incidentals.
- Don't make me incidentally put my foot - Joey! [audience laughing.]
Yes! We're finally in charge.
Who wants to trek to the backyard and eat only what we kill? Hey, actually, I think I'm gonna invite Tessie over.
Oh, having a girl in the house while the parents are gone? Yeah, will we Washington boys never learn? Yeah, I get it.
You think you're gonna get back at me by snitching, but I don't care, Tessie's worth it, go ahead.
Wow, Wes, you really underestimate me.
I wouldn't do that.
- You wouldn't? - No.
I don't want Mom and Dad to punish you.
I want to punish you.
Dae-Dae, I might need you to keep an eye on Skyler.
- You good with that? - I'm not sure.
I wanna give this "eat what you kill" thing a shot.
[scoffs.]
Okay, look, if you help me out, I'll kill you a waffle.
Okay, can I watch it die? [audience laughing.]
[rap music playing.]
Have you ever seen anything cuter than this? And, look, look at this hat.
A human head fits in here.
And, look, look at these socks.
They look like shoes.
A baby don't need shoes.
You were just supposed to get diapers.
I know, but I couldn't resist that baby aisle.
I just got some necessities.
Really? Just the necessities? You sure this random baby doesn't need anything else? Playpen? Bouncy house? College fund? Joey, there's a new life in the world.
Thaw your frozen heart! I will in front of some hot nachos at the game.
No more stops.
Stop being so grumpy.
This is practice for us being grandparents, and good practice for you too, V.
Why are you rushing her into having a kid! She's 22 years old.
She can rush me all she wants.
I am never having kids.
[shouts.]
What? Pull this car over! Didn't you just hear me say no more stops? How can you say that? Of course you want kids.
Not now, but some day.
I really don't.
I've thought about it, and it's just not what I wanna do with my life.
Joey, tell your daughter she wants to have kids.
Daughter, you wanna have kids.
I felt that lack of passion, Joey.
[audience laughing.]
But, Veronica, you'll see.
Once you hold that baby, and see it in these cute clothes, you'll change your mind.
I really don't think so, Mom.
Don't be so sure.
Is it a baby or is it a bumble bee? Baby? Bumble bee.
Women, huh? You're a dude, right? - [hip hop music playing.]
- I can't get enough of you I just wanna be with you Come on, come on Your smile I adore Can't hold my feelings anymore So, what do you think? - [sighs.]
Chills.
- [laughs.]
All right.
Dope.
I'll play it for Tessie when she comes and ask if she wants to officially be my girlfriend.
- Do you think she'll say yes? - Yeah.
- I think she likes me.
- How do you know? Well, I mean she says I'm cute.
We like the same things, and we always laugh when we're together, so I mean we're basically soul mates.
That all sounds good.
Why do you need to make her this song? I don't know.
She's a little older, so I gotta work a little harder.
Oh, when is your older girlfriend coming over? Like I'm gonna tell you.
Wes, I'm giving you one last chance to apologize.
I want you to say that you're sorry and that poop isn't funny.
Okay, except I'm not sorry and poop is funny.
[laughing.]
I did not see that coming.
I'm sure Tessie's gonna be really impressed at how mature you are.
[Wes laughs.]
She thought you were gonna be sorry, - but you weren't sorry.
- I wasn't.
[laughing.]
[Wesley.]
Except I'm not sorry and poop is funny.
Oh, it will be.
Justine, I'm not sending you up there alone.
You'll never come down.
Veronica, where's the elevators? There isn't one.
It's a six floor walk-up.
Six floors.
- Jus, are we really gonna go up there? - I've gotta go love this baby up.
Why don't you just go to the game? I don't wanna go without your mom.
It's not as much fun.
- I love hearing her yell at the refs.
- [Justine.]
Joey, come on! Instead of me.
[audience laughing.]
All right.
Tessie is gonna be here any minute.
Now go find Skyler and make sure she's nowhere near here.
On it! [Skyler chuckles.]
[laughing.]
- Hey, Tessie.
- Hi, Wes.
I just met your sister.
Don't believe anything she says.
Really? She was actually saying a lot of nice things about you.
She was? I guess you can believe those.
Yeah, she was saying that you guys are always playing games, and that you help her with her homework.
- It's cool that you're so close.
- What can I say? He's my hero.
Hey, Sky.
What are you doing with my bike? Oh, I was just moving it out of the driveway.
Your bike has training wheels? - No, no, that's not my bike.
- Didn't you just say it was your bike? Of course, this isn't his bike.
He's a really good bike rider, who has a different bike, and this is my other big brother who can't ride a bike's bike.
Was that okay? I looked everywhere, and I couldn't find Hello.
And who's this cute guy? You must be Daevon.
And you must be Tessie.
Why don't you go show Tessie around? I gotta talk to Skyler.
Absolutely.
May I? All right.
That was cute.
The training wheels were pretty good, made me look like a baby.
Look, I got you, you got me.
Now we're even.
Even? Oh, no, no, no.
We're just beginning.
Now it's time to take off the training wheels.
- What are you, a Bond villain? - No, because Bond villains always lose.
[audience laughing.]
And this is our couch.
Sometimes, I jump off the back of it.
It's not allowed, but I'm kind of a rebel.
Are you? Yep.
I don't even take off my shoes.
See that piano over there? I don't practice as much as I'm supposed to.
[knock on door.]
Give me that baby.
Give me that baby.
- Please help me.
- [speaking gibberish.]
How you holding up? [sniffs.]
Oh, you smell like very bad things.
You know what? I just need five minutes to myself to shower, and change, and feel like a human being again.
Veronica, close your eyes.
Smell this baby.
Doesn't he smell amazing? Yeah, it's nice.
Doesn't smell better than freedom and disposable income.
[panting.]
Six flights.
Dad, where's the bear? I had to leave him behind on the fourth floor.
Malik pays for this place or he just found it at the top of a building! Come on, the stairs aren't that bad.
He has an 80-year-old neighbor.
An 80-year-old man, at this altitude? That's not a neighbor.
That's a sherpa.
Somebody better be up here to give me the secret of life.
[audience laughing.]
Here.
Hold him.
Okay.
Enjoy this sight while you can, Mom.
It's all right.
Yeah.
Oh, you are pretty adorable.
[crying.]
Less adorable.
Well, I have enjoyed our time together.
Wait, wait, wait.
He just needs a fresh diaper.
Joey, can you pass me a diaper, babe? There's no diapers in there.
- Didn't you bring 'em up? - I thought you did.
[sighs.]
We must have left them in the car.
Here, Veronica, hustle down there and go get those diapers.
Veronica's not going anywhere, Joey.
She just started bonding with the baby.
That baby don't like her.
Joey.
Fine.
I'm just saying baby don't like her.
[audience laughing.]
- This is my room.
- Cool.
- I like it.
- Yeah.
This is my egg chair.
You can sit in it anytime.
It totally spins.
And here, I have a tube of double stuffed Oreos.
Mom said I can't have food in my room.
But again, rebel.
[laughs.]
You are so cute.
You should have seen me when I was four.
These are my Legos and my Transformers.
Oh, I love those.
It's so cool how they start off as one thing and they transform into something else.
That's what I like about them, too! That's crazy.
We like the same things.
You got a lot of great stuff in here.
Oh, no, she thinks I'm cute, and we like the same things? Hey, you know what Optimus Prime's favorite food is? - [chuckles.]
No, what? - Optimus prime rib.
[laughing.]
Soul mates.
I've got another one.
What do you get when you cross Optimus Prime with I don't wanna hear it.
[audience laughing.]
Oh, there you are.
What are you guys doing? Talking Transformers.
What do you want from me? Come on, Tessie.
I want to show you the studio.
- Yeah.
Take Tessie to the studio.
- [gasps.]
She'll learn a lot about you in the studio.
Um actually, let's go to my room first.
[crying.]
A crying baby might not be cute, but a crying bumblebee sure is.
[panting.]
Did they add a floor? Good, the diapers are here.
I'm gonna change him, and he's gonna be so sweet.
Can't they change him? The game just started.
Joey, you heard what Veronica said about not wanting kids.
If we leave her with him while he's still crying, she's definitely not gonna change her mind.
Why couldn't this random baby show up during baseball season? Hey, Malik, I wanna put on the game.
Where's your TV? I don't have one.
What? Everybody got a TV.
I just find I can live without one.
Seriously, where's your TV? He prefers to read.
If there's something that is really important, - he watches it at his neighbor Jeff's.
- That'll work.
- [huffs.]
Where's Jeff's apartment? - Nine C.
- Nine as in ninth floor? - Yeah.
They ain't got no building codes in this city? Huh! Little Marcus is all changed and cheered up.
[crying.]
He's still crying, Mom.
No, he's not.
We can hear him crying.
Obviously, you're hearing things.
It sounds like you two need a break.
Why don't you go grab a bite to eat? I don't think Malik would feel comfortable leaving you with the I guess he would.
Okay, see you.
You know how Prince had Paisley Park and Michael had Neverland? Well, I call my room Wesworld.
[chuckles.]
This is the window to my soul.
[Tessie.]
Uh Oh, boy.
Wow, you really love your mom, huh? I really do.
[audience laughing.]
Yo! Jeff, my man.
I'm your neighbor Malik's girlfriend's dad.
Any chance I can watch the Knick game? It's the Celtics game.
And keep it moving.
I love your music.
I don't know what to do.
It seems like we're meant for each other, but can I do this to my brother? I don't think I can.
I've got a lot going for me.
I'll love again.
Wesley, this might be his only chance.
It might be hard, but I must do what's right.
Oh, sure, this'll be easy for you.
Not all of us can transform into a truck and get out of town.
Okay.
All right.
Forget what I said about my room.
This is the real Wesworld.
Have a seat.
So, I wanted to ask you something, but before I do, I've just been thinking about us, like where we've been, where we're going and I kind of put it all in a song.
The song you were telling me about.
I can't wait to hear it.
- Every word is inspired by you.
- Oh.
Wes.
- [hip hop music playing.]
- I can't get enough of you I just want to poop with you Wait, what? What? That's Your smile I adore Can't hold my poop [Wesley chuckles.]
Wesley, is this supposed to be funny? I I'll be right back.
[audience laughing.]
Skyler, this has gone too far.
Huh.
Sounds like someone's heard the remix of his song.
I think it's gonna go all the way up the charts to number two.
Look, you need to stop.
And what are you doing now? Just messing around on your Instagram.
You know, cybersecurity is a real problem in this house.
You ruined the big moment I was planning.
Are you happy now? Of course I'm happy.
I'm doing what I love.
[sighs.]
- I don't know.
I tried everything.
- [crying.]
He's fed, he's dry, we bounced, we swayed.
- Maybe he's teething.
- Oh, maybe he's teething? Like I didn't rule that out five minutes in? Thank you, Dr.
Joe Speed.
Then get mad at the baby, not me.
I'm not mad at this sweet angel.
How can I be mad at a baby? - [baby crying really loud.]
- I'm mad at the baby.
Joey, I just need five minutes to myself, so I can feel like a human being again.
You watch him! Hey, Tessie.
Hey, Daevon.
Do you know where your brother is? You don't have to worry about him catching us because there is no us.
I'm sorry, what? Listen, girl, I know we laughed together.
I know we like the same things.
I know you think I'm cute because you said it, twice, but I'm sorry.
I can't be your soul mate.
Okay, thought this day couldn't get any weirder.
We Washington boys live by a code.
And I can't break it, no matter how much you might want me to.
But at least I can give you something to remember me by.
It's a car that turns into a murderous robot.
That's sweet.
Hey, just remember, one of the Jacksons married his brother's ex-wife, so you never know what the future holds.
[crying.]
You like fish faces? Oh, wait, look who's here.
Maybe my friend Demetrius can cheer you up.
Wagwan baby, everything irie? What if I sneak up on the baby? [crying.]
Terrible idea.
Oh! Why didn't I think of this in the first place? You made yo paper and you're major You got flavor for days Crazy money and the honeys In a craze all amazed Flavor meister push the price up Light the lights up for days You got biceps on your triceps Life's a life set ablaze Cause you's a star [beat-boxing.]
That's who you are You's a star That's who you are [giggles.]
Here you go.
All those other people were just warm-up acts.
You was waiting for Joe Speed to headline.
Come on, Skyler.
What do you want me to say? I'm sorry and poop isn't funny.
Isn't that what you wanted to hear? You know, it was, but that was then.
This thing's bigger than the both of us now.
Skyler, please.
Prank me any other time, but stop messing things up with Tessie.
I've never felt this way about a girl before, and, look, she's all I ever think about.
I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend today, but after everything you've done, the training wheels, the mom pictures, the poop song, now she'd never say yes.
Maybe I would.
- Tessie, I - But, wait, I'm really confused.
Why would you do all of this, Skyler? Why would I do all of this? Because Because I'm I'm immature.
No, look, she isn't.
I am.
I started all of this, and she's just paying me back.
Wow.
You don't play.
Remind me not to get on your bad side.
Yeah.
That won't happen, as long as you're nice to my brother.
So, I'm really all you've been thinking about? [laughs.]
Yeah.
Well, you and trying to learn how to ride a bike.
So when you said maybe you'd be my girlfriend, was that like a - It was a yes.
- Really? Cool! So Already! Did I mean nothing to you? [audience laughing.]
[gasps.]
Those are a lot of stairs.
Oh, my goodness.
He's asleep? How did you do that? I'll tell you this much, sneaking up on him didn't work.
You know, while I was walking, I realize, having kids needs to be Veronica's decision.
I can't force her into it.
No worries, she'll come around eventually.
You'll get to be granny.
Granny.
Really? - What do you think they're gonna call you? - Queen G.
[audience laughing.]
Wow.
Dad, look at you, you're like the baby whisperer.
Thank you guys so much.
We can probably take it from here.
I know you guys got a game to get to.
Nah.
I'm good.
Huh.
I'd rather hang here.
This random baby's all right.
You know, even if Veronica doesn't change her mind, we have three other kids that can give us grand babies.
I just wanna poop with you Your smile I adore I'll talk to Veronica.
Yeah, come on, come on, yeah Poop! [theme music playing.]