All In The Family s01e09 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days hi.
Oh, hi, ma.
Tell me, how'd it go ? Is your father home ? No, not yet.
Oh, thank heavens.
On the bus I said a little prayer that I'd get here first, but I really didn't think it would work.
Maybe I got time to fix him something before he gets here.
Oh, don't worry, mom.
I'm warming up yesterday's leftovers.
Ohh ! Thank you.
So tell me, what happened ? Oh, Gloria, it was an experience.
Hi, Mike.
[ Mike .]
Hi.
Wait'll I hang up my coat and I'll tell ya all about it.
How'd it go ? Oh, Mike, it was so exciting.
Well, tell us about it.
Wait'll your father finds out.
I kept pinching myself the whole time I was there To make sure I wasn't watching some movie.
Imagine me, Edith bunker, a member of the jury.
Ooh ! Even now, feel those goose bumps.
Oh, funny, they was there a minute ago.
Wish we coulda been there to see ya, ma.
What was it like ? Oh, well, it was very important and formal-like.
And they really do bang those hammers.
I thought I'd jump outta my skin the first time.
And the judge is so elegant in his black robes.
He looks just like Spencer Tracy.
Ooh ! There they are ! Wow, that's goose bumps ! Hey, ma, is it a big case ? I, uh-- I ain't allowed to discuss it.
Yeah, but, ma, you can tell us which case you're on.
Oh, I don't know.
The judge says we wasn't allowed to discuss it at all.
And he said we might stay down there for a while.
I'll have to pack a bag and everything.
[ Gloria .]
Oh.
I don't know what the world is comin' to nowadays.
Oh, Archie ! I tell ya, it's gettin' worse and worse by the minute.
[ Grunts .]
It's dog-eat-dog out there, Edith.
Why ? What happened ? One thing after another.
Comin' home on the subway train, some guy decides to throw himself in front of the train.
Holds the whole thing up for 30 minutes.
He couldn't do it in the middle of the day.
He's gotta pick the rush hour.
Would you get them two dogs off the coffee table ? How was your day, Archie ? How does it sound like, Edith ? My day was terrific ! Whoopee.
On top of everything else, they was doin' reconstruction work down at the building.
They had a hole tore in one of the walls there.
It was like workin' in the north pole with the wind whippin' through.
It's a wonder I ain't got the bug.
- Now, what's that look for ? - What look, Archie ? You got that same look the time you gave 50 cents to the black panthers Because you thought they were gonna preserve our wildlife.
What did you do now ? Oh ! I didn't do nothin'.
I'm on jury duty, Archie.
Isn't that exciting, daddy ? You're on a jury, huh ? [ Edith .]
Yeah ! Well, what's the big deal about that ? They want people like your mother down there Because they know they got no "preconscrewed" ideas.
To put it another way, they know she don't know too much.
What's the use ? Come on, Michael, and help me with dinner.
We'll get dinner, ma.
I'll set the table.
What kind of case you on there, Edith ? A traffic violation ? I ain't at liberty to discuss it.
What do you mean, you ain't at liberty to discuss it ? I'll ask you again, Edith.
What kind of case you on ? His honor says I can't, Archie, not until it's all over.
Sorry.
Edith, I can understand you don't wanna go around Discussin' the case with total strangers.
But after all, your own flesh and blood husband, huh ? Come on ! His honor didn't say nothin' about tellin' husbands.
Well, no, he didn't come right out and say, "go home and tell your husband.
" He took it for granted that's what you're gonna do.
Come on ! Oh, sorry.
Edith ! I never held nothin' back from you ever.
I even told you our secret vows from the lodge.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The secret vow.
Oni, oni, oni, oni, poof-- stifle that, will ya ! You ain't alone in here.
I could get black-busted by the brothers if they ever found I told you that.
Anyway, the vows from the lodge ain't the point, Edith.
It's our marriage vows-- till death do us part, for better, for worse, in secrets and in health.
Oh, sorry.
Let's go, folks.
Soup's on.
Archie, did ma tell you anything about the trial ? I don't wanna hear nothin' about it ! I know all about that stuff anyway.
I served my time on the jury.
He did ? [ Edith .]
Well, almost.
He was thrown off right away 'cause he insulted the defense attorney.
I didn't insult him.
I told him what I thought of pinko bleedin'-heart lawyers defendin' killers ! He asked me what I thought of capital punishment, and I told him.
For 30 minutes.
It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a well-known "detergent" to crime.
That's bull ! Capital punishment has never been proven to be a deterrent to crime.
We believe it is in this house, buddy.
Well, do you believe in capital punishment, ma ? Well, yeah, I guess so.
[ Gloria .]
Mother ! Well, so long as it ain't too severe.
Let me just ask you somethin', Professor, you who don't believe in capital punishment.
Suppose you was to come home some fine day and find your wife's throat cut.
Now, are you gonna tell me you wouldn't be itchin' to fry the guy that cut that throat ? No.
What good would that do ? You see this guy ? You see what you married ? Some fiend could come in here and murder you, and he ain't gonna lift a finger to help ! Archie, if I killed that murderer, would that bring Gloria back ? No.
An eye for an eye is not the answer.
The problem rests with society.
He's always blamin' everything on society ! Listen, if you're gonna blame society for murder, what we oughta do is turn the killer loose, give him a pension for life And go out and shoot the rest of the city ! [ Doorbell ringing .]
I'll get it.
I don't feel like eating now.
Why ? I keep thinking about myself with my throat cut.
Oh, Clara, come in.
Will you have some food with us ? No, thank you.
I'm on a diet.
Everything goes to my hips.
I just stopped by to tell you I had to cook in the lower oven tonight.
Is that so, Clara ? You know, we've got one of them electrics with two ovens.
I always use the top and put my pots and pans in the bottom.
Well, tonight the top caught fire, and I had to cook in the bottom.
Ohh.
You came all the way over to tell Edith that, huh ? Yes ! You know, when you're used to doing something one way, and without warning you gotta change ? It can really throw you off.
Uh, bye.
Clara, I'm so glad you stopped by.
I was gonna call you later.
Could I borrow your valise ? The one you took to buffalo, with the pretty stickers of niagara falls ? Oh, sure.
I've been picked for jury duty.
I may have to stay in a hotel for a while.
Oh, isn't that special, Edith.
You must be so excited.
It must be a very big, big case if they want you to stay over.
I'll go get the valise and bring it back in a little while.
Thank you, Clara.
And it was nice hearing about your ovens.
Wait a minute ! You didn't say nothin' about stayin' in no hotel.
How long does the judge think this thing is gonna take ? Well, he didn't say.
At least a week.
A week ? Or more.
Or more ? Sorry.
It's a murder case, isn't it, ma ? Oh, I'll bet it's the Rodriguez case.
Hey, if it's that case, you better eat up, arch.
You may not taste mom's cookin' for weeks-- maybe months.
- Look at that manson trial.
That's almost a year.
- [ Gloria .]
Yeah.
Edith, I got the bug ! No, I mean it.
Remember I was tellin' you about that hole in the buildin' there, and the wind blowin' through ? Well, I think I got somethin'.
What are you lookin' at ? I'm not lookin' at anything ! Don't gimme none of your fish eyes ! I happen to be sick.
I feel the first warning chill.
I think I better call up and maybe not go to work in the morning.
Yeah, really.
You know, you gotta take care of these things.
They could lead to complications.
Fever today, funeral tomorrow.
You ain't even warm.
That don't mean nothin', Edith.
Now, I hate to do this, but you'll have to call up the court and just tell 'em ya can't make it.
Tell 'em there's an emergency in your home, which nobody can argue with that.
But, Archie, I've already been selected.
Edith Who selected you first ? What are you waitin' for ? I'm thinkin' it over.
You don't have to think.
Do like I tell ya.
Make the phone call.
Go ahead, Edith.
Pick it up.
And when you're done, uh, you better bring me some hot water and lemon juice upstairs.
And bring me that vaporizer.
And then I'm gonna need that electric heating pad for under me.
Find the bed tray, because you're gonna have to bring me my meals Upstairs where I'll be in the bed.
Now, go on, Edith.
Would you find that bed tray ? I think it's in the cupboard under the sink.
Ma, are you really gonna serve him his meals in bed ? Oh, no.
I guess you will.
I'll be on jury duty.
Gloria, you home ? Meathead ? A man comes home from work, and what's there to meet him ? Two bags of garbage.
[ Gloria .]
Daddy ? You home ? Daddy ? Daddy ? Oh, hi, daddy.
You been home long ? About 30 minutes.
A lot you care.
A man comes home from work, nobody here.
No food in the house.
Your mother down at that hotel, livin' it up.
Youse two loafin' around the courtroom all day Watchin' her like she was some kind of a movie star.
If you went down there to see her, daddy, you'd be proud to see mom serving on that jury.
I'd be proud to see your mother right back home here, servin' me my dinner.
I wanna ask you somethin', Archie.
You mean to tell me you're not the least bit interested In your wife sitting on one of the hottest murder trials in the country ? Ah, what's so hot about it, huh ? They got better murders on the late show.
This thing is an open-and-shut case.
Wait a minute.
I admit, it doesn't look too good for Rodriguez, but that doesn't mean it's open-and-shut.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
The d.
A.
Nailed the coffin down on that guy yesterday.
There's two witnesses seen him go home to his apartment house up in Spanish Harlem.
Another witness seen him go into the apartment.
All right.
He goes in there, he finds his old lady in there with another spick.
What does he do ? He whips out his switchblade, and zap ! Sends him to that big taco stand up in the sky.
What do you expect ? I mean, look at the way those puerto ricans are caged up in those slums.
It's no wonder the tension builds.
They don't like it there, let 'em get outta there.
I ain't makin' 'em live there.
See, that's the trouble with you liberals.
You're always tryin' to put the-- oh, good night, nurse, look at this.
Oh, what is it ? "The jury in the Rodriguez trial was sent--" oh, listen, read it yourself.
It's right there.
"The jury in the Rodriguez trial was sent back to continue deliberations today "After the judge refused to accept a hung jury.
It is rumored that one lone juror is blocking a unanimous verdict.
" "Lone juror.
" They should've said "lone dingbat.
" Everything satisfactory, ladies ? Oh, wonderful.
My compliments to the "chief.
" Mm.
Aren't you gonna eat your chicken croquettes ? They're very good.
If they taste anything like that gray hamburger we had last night, I don't want any.
Mm, I thought that was delicious.
[ Sighs .]
You must eat out a lot, Mrs.
bunker.
Well, actually, we don't.
The last time we ate out was our anniversary three years ago.
Unless, of course, you count snack bars.
I never count snack bars.
Uh, Mrs.
bunker, I'd like you to consider that if it weren't for you, all of us on the jury could be back with our families enjoying home-cooked meals.
I think it's nice for someone else to do the cooking for a change.
Well, personally, I prefer my own Eric to prepare dinner.
Your husband does the cooking ? Eric is my chef.
He's from Paris.
Paris ? Oh, my.
I'll bet his croquettes are somethin', huh ? [ Sighs .]
Aren't you gonna eat nothin' ? Just coffee.
Mm, it's a shame to waste 'em.
Mm, my Archie would love those in his lunch box With an orange and a twinkie.
A twinkie ? Yeah, they're those little cakes.
They're about that long, and they have cream in the center.
Some of them are devil's food with chocolate on the outside.
Mrs.
bunker.
I don't care to hear about your twinkies ! I just want to go home ! I simply don't understand why you keep insisting that Rodriguez is innocent, when three neighbors said they saw him entering the building.
They could've been mistaken.
Three different people ? Oh, it could've been somebody else.
You said yourself that all puerto ricans look alike.
To us, not to each other.
I don't know.
There's something about the way he keeps saying he's innocent.
Oh, that doesn't mean a thing.
All those people are born liars.
Besides, you have the neighbors who say they saw him.
Well, if they was all born liars, how can you believe the neighbors ? Because they're not accused of anything.
Mrs.
bunker, it's time we stopped coddling these criminals.
Those mad dogs have got to be put behind bars.
He's not a mad dog.
He's a nice-looking young boy.
Well, then look at it this way-- we'd be doing that nice-looking young boy a favor By taking him out of that rat-infested ghetto, and put into a nice, clean prison.
Still, his honor said, "a man has to be guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
" Eleven of us say he's guilty.
Well, I got a reasonable doubt.
And you're being totally unreasonable about it ! I-I don't mean to be.
Mrs.
stonehurst, an important person like you Probably makes decisions all the time, huh ? The only decisions I ever make is what to serve for dinner, or how much starch to put in Archie's collars.
In all-- in all my life, this is the first time Anybody has asked me my opinion About something that really matters.
And they'll probably never ask me again.
So you see, Mrs.
stonehurst, this is really important.
And I-- I'd hate to be wrong.
[ Knocking .]
Who is it ? [ Man .]
It's the bailiff.
Everybody down to the lobby.
Judge wants everyone back in the courtroom right away.
The bus is leaving in 20 minutes.
Thank you ! We better get dressed right away.
Uh, can I help you take off some of the creams ? [ Tv: Funk, indistinct .]
I want to take you higher higher yeah higher why do you let your wife do that ? I'm gettin' rid of it.
Aw, come on, daddy.
We're just waitin' for the news.
We can wait with the sound off.
[ Clicks off volume .]
Ohh ! Sounds like new year's Eve in the nuthouse.
Chair ? Dogs off the coffee table.
They'll probably say somethin' on the news about the trial, daddy.
What can they say, except your mother's down there Throwin' a monkey wrench into the halls of justice.
- They oughta have professional juries anyhow.
- What do you mean ? I mean, people who are trained to be on juries.
That's crazy.
Well, it ain't half as crazy as what you got now.
You got a judge who spends half his life in school.
Then he goes on to become a lawyer, then he's a lower judge and he's upper judge.
Works himself up to a big murder trial.
Does he get to decide who's innocent or guilty ? No, no.
That decision's made by five salesmen, three bank tellers, a couple of plumbers, a seamstress and a dingbat.
There's the news.
[ Clicks on volume .]
[ Man on tv .]
President Nixon today flew from the summer white house in Florida-- to the summer white house in California.
Dummy up, you.
[ Tv continues .]
There's been a dramatic turn of events in the Juan Rodriguez murder case.
Details of these and other stories coming up on tonight's big news Right after this message.
[ Clicks off volume .]
"A dramatic turn of events" ? I wonder what happened.
[ Door opens .]
Hi, everybody ! Ma ! Ma ! Welcome back ! They were just talking about the case on the news.
They said something about "dramatic turn of events.
" Oh, Archie ! Oh ! I missed you so much ! You're back, huh ? Yeah ! How do you feel ? I didn't eat nothin' tonight.
You di-- Gloria ! I made dinner.
He just wouldn't eat.
Could you go out and make us a sandwich and some coffee, Edith ? Ohh ! Sure, Archie.
Right away.
Here, Gloria.
But, ma, you gotta tell us about the case ! What about the case ? The case ! I don't wanna hear no more about that case ! Let her make me a sandwich and coffee.
Yeah.
[ Gasps .]
Look ! It's me on tv ! Ohh ! Turn up the sound ! Turn up the sound ! [ Man .]
Mrs.
bunker, would you tell us some of your impressions ? [ Edith .]
Well, I loved the hotel.
I mean, what are your impressions of the trial ? His honor says i ain't allowed to talk about it.
But, Mrs.
bunker, the trial is over.
Sorry.
That was Mrs.
Edith bunker, the lone juror who held out for two days in the Rodriguez murder trial.
I knew it ! Now the whole world knows it ! [ Mike .]
I can't hear ! To maintain Rodriguez was innocent.
And Mrs.
bunker was proven right at the 11th hour When a taxi driver, Norton Rogers, broke down today and confessed to the crime.
You were right ! Mom ! Mom, I'm so proud of you ! Huh ? You see ? See what ? All I see is, I'm home for two weeks starvin' to death, while your mother-in-law is down there at that court, wastin' the taxpayers' money Tryin' the wrong guy ! Oh, Clara, I'm so glad you came by.
I want to thank you for the loan of your valise.
My pleasure.
It isn't every day we have a prominent jurist gracing our midst.
[ Edith .]
Oh ! [ Chuckles .]
It was pretty exciting for me too.
Every time I think of it, I get goose bumps.
Oh, even now ! Look ! Oh, darn.
Gone again.
I brought you something.
A new sticker ! Mm-hmm.
From the queens tower hotel.
[ Clara gasps .]
Why don't you autograph it for her, Edith ? - Oh-- oh, would you ? - Oh, sure ! Where shall I sign it, huh ? Right here ? You can sign it right there.
Thanks.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.