Ally Mcbeal s01e09 Episode Script

Oh, Blanche.
You know we got rats in the cellar? - That wasn't funny.
- Yes, it was! - No, it wasn't.
- Trust me, it was funny.
- Cruelty is funny to you.
Pain.
- When it's somebody else's.
- How many times do you watch it? - I like it.
They don't make movies about real relationships anymore.
What do you watch? The Sound of Music? - What's wrong with that? - Lf you don't mind Julie Andrews.
- Do you have something against her? - Doesn't everyone? I like her.
Renee.
- She's perky.
- She isn't perky! Sister Maria? Mary Poppins? She bared her breasts in that other movie.
There's nothing Mary Poppins about that.
I saw that movie.
Her breasts were perky.
She had optimistic nipples.
- Okay, what's going on? - What do you mean? - You don't like Mary Poppins? - No.
I don't have anything against - High school.
- What about high school? I was I was voted "Most Likely To Become Julie Andrews.
" Ah! - I'm not anything like her, am I? - No, and neither is she.
She regrets those movies.
Julie Andrews is nothing like Mary or Maria.
My class didn't know that when they voted me most likely to be her.
- People do think I'm prudey.
- Really? Sometimes in the unisex, Richard and Billy tell jokes.
They stop when I come in.
They're afraid to pierce my virgin ears.
Men have something about dirty jokes.
They do? If you want in on the club, tell one.
They'll hand you a cigar.
I don't know any.
Except the one about the flea, but Billy knows it.
- Do you know any? - I got a few.
Tell me one.
- I'm not telling you any dirty jokes.
- Why not? 'Cause you'll faint! Sorry, I probably would have voted with your class.
You know what, Renee? Bite me! - Tell me one dirty joke.
- You want me to tell you a dirty joke? - The dirtier, the better.
- Okay.
Ready? I'm ready.
- Tell it! - You'll faint.
All right.
This man is walking down the beach.
Nobody for miles.
Beautiful sunset.
Suddenly he spots this girl, no arms, no legs, just a torso.
She's crying.
He says: "Why are you crying?" "I'm 21.
I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed.
" And his heart just breaks.
He gives her the most gentle kiss.
It's so romantic, her tears just stop.
She says, "Thank you.
" "You're welcome.
" And he leaves.
He hears her crying again.
He says, "What?" "I'm 21, no arms, no legs and I've never been screwed.
" So he throws her into the ocean saying: "You're screwed now!" - What? - That was disgusting.
Come on! You're making fun of a disabled woman's sex life.
Forget it! You are pathetic! - I'm pathetic? - Yes, you.
That joke wasn't funny.
It was sick.
- Raindrops on roses - I'm not being Julie Andrews.
- Sing, but that woman is drowning.
- Who's drowning? The woman got chucked into the ocean! And you're singing! It's sick! Sick! Sick! I've been down this road The Dirty Joke Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine the light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah - Do you think it's funny? - No, it's sick.
- Dirty jokes are supposed to be sick.
- So you think it's funny? - Well, a little.
- No arms, no legs, bobbing around.
I don't think you're supposed to think about it.
How? This woman was born a stump.
Can you imagine her life? I mean, kids picking on her.
She never made it to her prom.
Some guy comes by, picks her up and heaves her into the ocean.
I don't think the joke is funny.
It's a made-up thing.
- You gave her a whole back-story.
- Maybe she did go to her prom.
- There are people like that.
- I know.
Don't rationalize like that.
No joke's funny if you dissect it.
High or low tide? How'd she get there? The questions are endless.
Renee wants to know if lunch is still on or if you'd rather use the hour to make dresses from drapes? Richard, fasten your eye sockets, you have a delivery.
Go ahead.
Certified.
Absolutely.
Here you go.
My great-aunt said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long you turn to stone.
She was partially right.
That would be a Fishism or one of those boy jokes? - What? - She's suing us! - What? - Sexual harassment.
- Everybody sues me for this! - Let me see.
I can't keep coming in here to be served.
This is ridiculous! Maybe you deserve this, everyone gawking at her.
I can't blame her.
She's not suing the men.
- It's the women.
- What? The allegation is that the women don't like the way she dresses.
- What? Can she sue for that? - I think she can.
There's a ruling on same-sex harassment this fall.
- That means gay harassment? - No, it doesn't.
If you accept the theory of hostile working environment, she has a case.
She is getting hostile treatment because she's deemed too sexy.
Should it be any different because the hostility is coming from women? Let me meet with her lawyer.
- She never made any demands? - Not to me.
She can't prove you had notice of hostile environment.
She'll argue "constructive notice.
" You must give the employer a chance to fix the problem.
She didn't.
- I'll go see her lawyer.
- Ridiculous! That's what happens when you start reducing women to body parts.
- I don't like my butt.
- This outfit looks great on you.
- It's too conservative for a date.
- The rabbi will think it's Reformed.
I've never dated a rabbi before.
I hope he's more fun than the priest.
Tell him my joke.
That will loosen up his little beanie.
- Beanie? Renee, it's a yarmulke.
- Yarmulke.
Tell him my joke, I bet he'd laugh.
Your joke is repulsive.
It is funny! If I told it in a room of people, you'd be the only one not laughing.
- Okay, let's prove it.
- How? At the bar.
Tell your joke.
I dare you.
At the bar? If it's funny, put your microphone where your mouth is.
All right, I tell you what: I'll tell my joke at the bar.
If they laugh, you'll tell your flea joke.
Forget it.
See, as usual, in the end you backed out.
And you're worried this outfit makes you seem more conservative? Okay.
You get up at that bar and tell the same joke and if people laugh, a real good laugh then I will tell my flea joke.
You got a bet.
- Good.
- Good.
You? - You represented the ones you're suing.
- I'm flexible.
- Listen, Miss - Call me Caroline, please.
We're talking huge conflicts of interest here.
I've made my client aware of the conflicts, thanks.
- Miss Poop - I asked you to call me Caroline.
Well, this is more than just a conflict.
- This is about the women's behavior.
- So? You fostered that by representing the women! - So? - So? I'm not the plaintiff, Jennifer Higgins is.
That's her name in case you didn't realize.
And I'm not suing Elaine or the women.
I'm suing the employer.
You.
I hate to sap any of the fun, but I plan to enjoy myself.
Oh.
Mm-hm.
Bye.
Ally, I'm glad you're here.
New firm policy: Anybody who sues this firm or me personally we drop everything and devote all our efforts to ruining that person's life.
Are we clear? Not just getting even.
Retribution? Not strong enough.
Ruin! That's the goal.
Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy.
Can we disqualify the lawyer? She disclosed the conflict of interest.
She isn't so hysterical.
The women's hostility was notorious.
She might make constructive notice.
She'll waive notice if she goes first.
- Who does she want to depose? - Elaine.
That's a conflict of interest.
She represented Elaine.
- We are wasting our time.
- We shouldn't want to disqualify her.
I want to know why.
She's lazy.
Look how she ended last week's lawsuit.
She doesn't prepare.
- It'll be harder with another lawyer.
- She's right.
- You, first-chair.
You are neutral.
- I'm not handling this case.
Why not? It's too close to home.
She was victimized because the women thought she looked too sexy.
I relate, and I don't want to go there.
- The second reason? - Who said I had one? The first one stinks.
You must have a backup.
- My first reason is enough.
- Just in case it loses steam.
- That lawyer.
- Poop? Yes, Poop! - She hit on me.
- What? She did.
- With a look.
- A look? Billy, there's one thing I know, it's when I'm being hit on.
Part of me thinks she has a case.
But all these laws overprotect us, make us look like victims.
- Elaine is being deposed today? - We're dead.
We'll settle soon.
What if she wants to sink the firm? She lost a lawsuit and could get even.
We considered that, but it's not in Elaine's character.
She can't resist being helpful.
That's when she does all the damage.
We'll be done at 5.
Lots of time to get to the bar and hear you tell your joke.
- Do I look scared? - No, and I know why.
Even if you don't get a laugh, you still get on stage.
That satisfies your inner-exhibitionist self.
What? I looked it up: Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious.
- Freud? - Oh, wait "One who tells dirty jokes has concealed inclinations to exhibitionism.
" - Give me that.
- There's more.
"The ones best at dirty jokes have a sadistic side to their sexuality.
" - He was the biggest sex perv going.
- Freud? It was all about sex with Freud.
Little spanker didn't walk without a hand holding his id.
- That spanker invented psychoanalysis.
- Which obviously makes him your hero.
Psychoanalysis came to him in a wet dream.
- Pardon the pun.
- It did not.
"Irma's Injection" was an erotic dream.
Don't be whippin' Freud out with me.
I got that guy sussed.
I never glanced at her unkindly.
You stated, "She came to work dressed to arouse the male personnel.
" In paragraph 7, you say she willfully attempted to sexually stimulate them? Well, a lot of us do that.
But the key is to be subtle, so the men don't realize what we're doing.
You don't blame her for dressing this way? Certainly not.
And yet you and the other women were angry enough to sue? Because the men were acting like pigs.
- So you were angry at the men? - Correct.
You had no anger at the woman causing this behavior.
Correct.
- She was an innocent.
- Correct.
- You two could even be friends? - Correct.
But your lawsuit demands she be terminated.
That was an alternative.
The first demand was that she stop walking around in her slutty way.
"Her slutty way.
" So you have no hostility towards her? I dress slutty.
Just understated.
Moderately slutty.
I see.
Do you make room for the possibility - that with women whispering she's slutty with women suing her because she oozes sexuality - do you make room for the possibility she might feel oppressed? If she felt that way, she shouldn't dress like that flaunting her big alabaster buoys in everybody's faces.
- I did not ambush the firm! - Elaine, get out! - I'd like to account for my testimony.
- You're accounted for.
Shoo! We've got a motion to dismiss pending.
We have to establish she didn't feel harassed.
- You want me to do it? - Ally, you.
- Me? - She'll turtle against Billy.
You got that Julie Andrews thing going.
- Did someone tell you to say that? - Say what? If I tremble when I'm by your side He wouldn't pluck Julie Andrews out of thin air.
You told him.
- I swear I didn't.
- Oh, right.
After this song, up I go.
- Maybe we should call it off.
- Too late, I'm ready.
What if it bombs? If it bombs, I'll tell her flea joke, which is no less dirty.
Oh please, my joke is ribald.
Yours is disgusting.
- Ribald? - Yes, ribald.
Who goes to Freud to understand limericks uses "ribald" and dates rabbis? Julie Andrews! Can I have your attention! Moment of truth.
I'm on.
I've been asked to take a break so somebody can tell you a joke.
That somebody would be me! But first, let's take a moment to give it up to Vonda Shepard! She's here every day singing for us! God, she's comfortable up there! And I noticed we are here every day, too.
Same people and faces.
Lawyers, stockbrokers, twins.
Can we give it up for the dancing twins, please? This is not fair.
She's warming up the crowd.
I came up here, because looking at all these faces suits and ties and coats, boring jobs.
I see it in your expressions.
And I thought, this crowd needs something.
- All right, what? - We need to laugh.
What we need is one good, dirty joke.
Disgusting dirty.
Anybody feel they could use that kind of joke? Yeah! I'm talking filthy! This is all under protest now.
This is a warm-up act.
- They still have to laugh at the joke.
- And I won't.
A man is walking down a beautiful beach, sunset, pretty colors, nobody's around.
And he spots this girl.
No arms, no legs, just a torso.
She's crying.
So he asks her why.
She says, "I'm 21, no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed.
" He bends down and gives her the sweetest kiss.
She says, "Thank you.
" He says, "You're welcome," and leaves.
He hears her crying again.
"What's the matter now?" She says, "I'm 21, no arms, no legs and I've never been screwed.
" So he picks her up, throws her into the ocean and says, "You're screwed now, baby!" - You cheated! - What do you mean? You did a warm-up, and on the punch line, you did a butt waggle.
- And it wasn't even the same joke.
- What do you mean? Before, it was, "you're screwed now.
" Tonight, you added a butt waggle and you said, "You're screwed now, baby!" That's much funnier.
And I would have laughed at that, maybe.
"Baby" is I was good, the butt waggle was funny, and "Baby" "Baby" just Renee, part of being a best, best, best friend is not making your best friend do something you know would be very painful.
- I know that.
- And I was thinking that maybe I could pay off this bet with money, or breakfast in bed, for like a week.
Anything other than me having to get up on stage and tell my flea joke.
Ally, when you're sweet like this, it's almost impossible to say no.
- Almost.
- Please, I'll be your slave.
This time tomorrow night, you're taking that stage.
- You really making me get up there? - I am.
Try to act easy like Renee.
The crowd was having fun with her.
- Have you ever told a joke before? - What do you mean? I'm funny! I didn't mean you're not funny, but standup comedy, that's - The steno here? - Go on in.
Let me get Richard.
Fine.
- Did you see that? She looked at me! - Poop is married, she's not gay.
- Then why does she look at me? - I don't know.
I don't know anything.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You thought that joke was sick? - They laughed hard, Georgia.
- The men laughed.
The women were more amused by Renee's performance.
The boys.
- Why do men like sick jokes? - I think they're just - Sicker? - Yeah.
What, specifically, did you perceive as hostile? Well, the looks, I guess.
- The looks.
- Yes.
- The looks from the men or the women? - The women.
- How would they look at you? - Mean.
- Mean? - Yes.
Can you describe what about them made them seem mean? I can't really describe it, I just felt it.
If I could just get Barbara Walters to ask the questions.
Tell us about the dwinking and the twouble it's caused.
I just drink and drink, because I was sexually fondled by my uncles.
Do you have weegrets? When they looked at you mean, did they squint? Look something like this? No.
- How was the mean look different? - It wasn't really, I guess.
But when they filed that lawsuit saying they hate the way I dress and look I had to assume they weren't looking at me to become friends.
When they filed that lawsuit, that's when you felt the hostility? Okay, that's all.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You were supposed to tear her up.
I'm nothing if not disappointed.
- Where are we on the motion? - Tomorrow.
I sort of agree with him.
How do we dismiss the claim if she doesn't say she didn't feel harassed? She wasn't going to give us that.
Without cracking the plaintiff: What are we going to take to dismiss? I got it covered, Richard.
- She wasn't very good, was she? - She did seem a little gentle.
- Maybe she can't be objective.
- How do you mean? Well, she is one.
- One what? - A woman.
- On harassment, they don't see.
- Women? Yes.
- Do you have a Fishism on this? - No.
Women, as a rule, hate pretty women.
Women, as a rule also, sympathize with other women victims.
- Are you with me? - I'm doing my best.
Women want other women destroyed, but they won't do it themselves.
If you find a way to word it cleverly, it could be a Fishism.
You've got a smile so bright You know you could've been a candle If you were my friend, you'd call this off.
We'll laugh about it tomorrow.
I doubt anybody will laugh tonight.
My joke is funnier than yours and less gross! - What's going on, Georgia? - I get approached by gay women a lot.
Caroline Poop is not gay.
I think it's my voice.
My voice is kind of deep.
- You have the sexiest voice! - But it is a little deep.
So? So, I think gay women think that comes from a chromosome or some gene.
Maybe that's why they think I could be gay.
I don't know.
- Fish touched my neck the other day.
- What? He made it seem like an accident, but I know it was on purpose.
I think he was checking if I had an Adam's apple.
He touched your neck? - You have my laugh, no matter what.
- Thank you, Elaine.
The song is ending.
- Will you go up with me and waggle? - Next time.
- Hey guys, just in time! - I'm so glad you're here.
- I wouldn't miss this.
- Thank you.
Last night we took a break for a joke.
It went so well, we'll do it again.
Oh, my God! If you don't have fun, the audience can't.
Whatever happens, enjoy.
- We will! - Quiet! Ally, are you out there? Big smile.
The hills are alive with the sound of music - This is really, really cruel.
- Try to cope, Elaine.
Okay, thank you.
I was here last night when Renee Radick told that joke.
And I see a lot of you were here, too.
Wasn't she great? Renee, stand up.
Take a bow! That little bitch! She's just being shy, but she really is there.
She dared me to tell a dirty joke.
She didn't think I could do it.
- You think I can do it? - No! Good! I'm glad you think that.
Because you know what? One of the last vestiges of gender bias is the dirty joke.
Men can handle it, women can't.
We're not tough enough.
We're too We're too Decent.
Fragile.
Well, let's see.
Here we go.
And by the way: My joke, true story.
Two little fleas they meet at a bar in Florida.
They vacation together all the time.
One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing cold.
And he says, "Ooh, ooh I was just zooming down from Jersey in a guy's mustache on a motorcycle and I am frozen!" And the first flea says, "Well, that is no way to come down to Florida.
You go into an airport bar, you have a few drinks.
You find a beautiful stewardess, you climb up her leg, you nestle right in her warm, soft you know what I mean? You get a good night's sleep, and you wake up in Florida.
Now that is the way to travel!" A year goes by, vacation comes.
The second flea arrives.
Freezing again.
The first flea goes: "Why are you cold? Didn't you do what I said?" "I went to a bar, I had a couple drinks I crawled up the leg of a stewardess I nestled in and passed out all snuggled up.
Next thing you know, I'm in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle.
" Oh, come on.
This, they think is funny.
Let's hear it for Vonda! Sing! Oh, God! - I think it was funny.
They just - Hated it.
With a good dirty joke, it's got to be surprising.
The listener also has to have a sense of what's coming.
And with you the way you look and your demeanor, they weren't prepared for that filth.
Well, that clears it up.
I'm actually luckier than most.
I wake up each morning glad to start a new day grateful the last one is over.
Cage & Fish Law Corporation.
- Caroline Poop for the plaintiff.
- Ally McBeal for the defendant.
Ms.
McBeal, how delightful you're still at large.
- How goes the potato-chip quest? - Just smile.
Pretend that was cute.
Your Honor, we have a motion to dismiss the lawsuit.
We believe it fails to state a claim.
We've submitted expedited transcripts of two depositions.
They reveal Ms.
Higgins was subject to a hostile environment.
I'd ask you to review our brief, particularly Fineman versus Adelstein.
Same-sex harassment cases are clearly viable in the Commonwealth.
- Ms.
McBeal? - I agree.
You agree? Sexual harassment shouldn't be limited to opposite-sex situations.
I see.
And why would we be here, other than for you and I to catch up? Ms.
Higgins only felt harassed as a result of the filed lawsuit.
Only after reading the complaint did she feel they were hostile.
A complaint can't be the basis of a sexual harassment claim.
There's qualified immunity when it comes to pleadings.
According to her testimony, the only bad treatment she got was being sued.
- A lawsuit has immunity.
- Miss Poop? What? This is a ridiculous technicality.
She was treated in a hostile manner because they disliked how she dressed.
That it's in the form of a legal pleading shouldn't make a difference.
Makes a difference to me.
This case is dismissed without prejudice.
- You can't kick a case like that.
- But I can.
And I just did.
- You had that up your sleeve? - I keep punch lines close to my vest.
You were fantastic.
We're legally off the hook? - We don't owe her anything? - I didn't say that.
- Where can I find Richard Fish? - Who are you representing now? Funny.
I came to let him know that my client will return to work soon.
No problem.
- Thank you.
- Hey! I know what these looks are about, and I don't like them.
- What looks? - These looks! Like - Let's get together and watch Ellen.
- Is that what you think? I'm sorry.
Well, I have been looking at you, but not for that.
Since childhood I've collected Barbie dolls, and I never met a living one.
Working side by side with Skipper, I'm just kind of blown away.
- Did she think you're a lesbian? - No.
- What is it? - It's worse.
- It's worse? - Much.
So, what's going on? - Did you touch Georgia's wattle? - Excuse me? - She said you touched her neck.
- Am I to be sued again? I'm talking facts.
Did you fiddle with my wife's wattle? I might have grazed it.
Bygones.
- No bygones.
- It wasn't in a sexual way.
I know your fetish.
- A neck isn't sexual for any of you.
- It is sexual for you, Richard! You were touching my wife in a sexual way.
I don't appreciate it.
Okay.
It won't happen again.
I'll take that as a bygone.
- You want to still work here, you can.
- Really? - Just like that? - No In my office.
- Richard! - Excuse me.
- You shouldn't be speaking to her.
- I'm her employer, she's an employee.
And I am the counsel.
You should have a lawyer in the room.
- I am a lawyer.
- That case could come back.
With the things that roll off your tongue you shouldn't speak to her without counsel.
Fine.
Ally wants to be here because she thinks I'll say something stupid.
May I call you Jennifer? That would be progress.
Sure.
You're a tall woman with enormous breasts.
We men have considered you an asset and we stare at your assets.
- Maybe I should tell a joke.
- Ally, let me finish.
What I'm trying to say The women here are really angry at the men, not you.
And we're to blame.
I'll see to it that the men don't act like idiots.
And beyond that I apologize.
For all of us, especially me.
You deserve a lot more respect than we've given you.
Thank you.
That's all.
Go deliver something.
You can go.
What? Don't you have other work to do? We should have some cases where we're not the defendants.
I started a joke Which started the whole world crying A rabbi? We're going out tomorrow night.
I got new clothes.
I like to remake myself every new relationship.
- Got it.
- Come on, I love this song.
- Georgia - I'll go.
- Don't even think about her wattle.
Promise.
Bygones.
I feel like some of the people here are looking at me different.
Like I'm nasty or something.
- And you like that? - I do.
Do you think this rabbi guy could work out? If it did, he'd probably make me convert.
- You wouldn't do that.
- Give up Christmas? I got to go.
I got to meet Renee.
I'm hardening up.
Kicked Poop's butt.
Told a dirty joke on stage.
I think I'm ready to be released into the real world, don't you? - I'm hardening up.
- Yep.
Here's to the hard you.
You stinker!