Alone Together (2018) s01e09 Episode Script
Music Video
1 Come on, man.
I've shown you this like, a million times.
Look, pretty much, the entire backbone of ska music is upstrokes on the offbeat, right? That's ska music.
I don't even know what ska is.
Can we learn the Lumineers or Kurt Vile, 'cause that's what's cool right now.
Parker, you're in seventh grade.
You don't know what's cool.
Everyone around you is getting blown up on exploding hover boards.
Yeah, but the lucky ones get settlements.
Look, Aunt Renee says you wanna be a professional musician, right? - Yeah.
- This song can be your ticket in.
My new dad Rodney is a lawyer for a big music label, and that's gonna be my ticket in.
Parker, come on.
No one in life is just gonna hand you stuff.
You gotta earn it.
Unless you're a beautiful woman; that advice doesn't apply to you.
Parker, you have to work hard and earn it, like Benji, who lives with his brother, and sells his dad's old golf clubs on eBay.
I'm giving a guitar lesson right now.
I'm making money; I'm an earner.
I'm an earner.
- Look at this.
- Ugh.
So viscous.
Is that upstairs slime or downstairs slime? I don't know what you mean by that, but clearly, you're out of touch with important trends.
People are paying big bucks for small batches of homemade slime on Etsy, and you're damn straight your girl's gettin' in the game.
I think this is the right viscosity, but Parker, does this look like kids will like it? Uhh Yeah.
Yeah, you're getting there.
I didn't know you were profiting off your retainer scrapings.
It's very "using every part of the buffalo" of you.
- Thank you.
- What's your plan? - What are you saving money for? - Rhianna tickets.
She's a dancer-entrepreneur icon like myself, so we have to support each other.
Yeah-yeah, Rhianna needs your support, totally.
All right, so, with this ska stuff Don't teach him your ska music.
Parker, listen to me.
You need to learn about cool stuff like podcasts about unsolved murders.
Look, this song is cool.
I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets.
That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing, and were only, like, kind of embarrassing.
Wait.
You wrote that? I didn't know you had any talent.
The truth is that ska used to be really popular, and it's probably gonna be popular again.
The music industry works in cycles, right? Like how Selena Gomez is really just J.
Lo without the ability to sing or dance.
- Don't.
Don't do this.
- What? Take it back.
- Take what back? - Take back what you said about Selena, okay? - It's unacceptable.
- She seems like a nice girl, and she's pretty, but she's not talented.
Okay, I will walk out that door and you will never see me again.
This is why Bieber left her.
He didn't leave her.
She upgraded to The Weekend.
Know your stuff, man.
There's no upgrade after Bieber.
No one likes Bieber, okay? - You can have Bieber.
- Everyone likes Bieber.
You can go get Bieber.
You and Bieber will be by yourself on an island.
Fine.
I wanna be on an island with Bieber.
- Yeah, me, too.
- We'll collab and stuff.
Okay, so Take your index finger and put it on the third fret.
Parker, time to go.
We have the chef coming tonight, he's making paella.
His paella tastes like dog dingus.
Okay, in the car now, or you can just forget about your video game camp.
It's a Call of Duty tournament.
For the millionth time.
You can tell we're related by how angry yet coddled he is.
Are you coming to the bar mitzvah this weekend? It's a music theme.
Yes, I'm gonna be there.
My mom will kill me if I don't go.
Bar mitzvahs have gotten so elaborate.
All of his friends have music videos and home movies.
Do you know anyone with music video experience? Ohw, well, I make memes and GIF's all day.
I could make a music video.
And I already taught him a really great song today.
We're good to go.
That's terrific.
I will, of course, cover all the costs.
Wow.
Thanks.
Renee, I'm so glad I caught you.
I just wanted to let you know that I am available for babysitting, and have very competitive rates, and I'm open to negotiation.
Okay, I have a spin class.
"I have spin class.
" That's how bored housewives get away from you.
Ugh! God, I'm busting my ass making slime.
I gotta get back into nannying for rich families.
I mean, that's where the money is.
I know.
Rich people fridges are the best.
They always have small-batch nut butters.
I once went to this billionaire's house.
He had pistachio butter.
Like, what is that? My mind was blown.
Oh, my God.
That sounds so gross.
I wanna try pistachio butter.
And don't ever look at my eyes when you say nut butter.
That was gross.
You should help me with the music video.
What? You're really considering doing that? Yeah.
His new dad knows so many record industry people.
Industry people? Me likey the sound of that.
I'm working on my Italian accent.
Buenos noches.
Buenos Aires.
Dude, if my music video crushes in front of those people, who knows what could happen.
I might reawaken ska for a whole new generation of music fans.
Oh, Benji.
Maybe.
If you help me, I'll work you into budget.
Aunt Renee's paying for everything.
I'll say you're a stand-in for a top-heavy young boy.
Help you out with those Rhianna tickets.
I'll do it.
But I have to see your directing reel first obviously.
Yeah, totally.
[SKA MUSIC PLAYS.]
Now there's no place, no place like L.
A.
No place, no place like L.
A.
[LAUGHTER.]
You said you wanted to see my director's reel.
I'm dying, and I'm fine with it.
This is how I wanna go.
Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it.
Guys, this was cool back then.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Stop.
- No, please, please.
I need to own this at all times.
It's not fair to judge it by today's standards.
The production values are weak.
I'm judging it by middle school talent show standards, and it's terrible.
Oh, no.
Oh, what happened there? We never finished the video.
We couldn't decide on a name for the album.
They wanted to name it Ska-lute Your Shorts, I wanted to name it Harry Potter and the Ska-blet of Fire.
Stop laughing at me.
Oh, man, I could see how that would really tear the band apart Those two red-hot options there.
Guys, this was a dark time for me.
I had to quit the band for creative reasons, and my song never got out there.
They all went goth, I developed an unhealthy relationship with Minesweeper.
- It was bad.
- Listen, when they do the Behind The Music for this band of yours, leave out the Minesweeper part.
You don't want your fans killing themselves.
Are you gonna let me borrow the equipment or not? Absolutely not.
I take being AV manager very seriously, even though I only got this job because no one else in the comedy club wanted it.
I would've done it.
Regardless, this equipment is for recording people that perform at the club, okay, not some rich kid's vanity project.
Okay, Jeff, here's the thing that Benji boy isn't telling you.
I am actually the star of this music video, and technically, you won't be breaking any rules by lending us the equipment because I am a performer of this club.
Have you guys ever worked together? Yeah.
Lunch orders We share a creative thread, you know.
As long as she doesn't freak out when the craft doesn't have curly fries, we're cool.
Okay, well, that spice on curly fries should be on all fries, it's so good.
Wait.
That is a song.
That should be a song.
Someone write that down.
Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice On straight fries would be erreally nice - "Erreally"? - Erreally, yeah.
- [HUMMING.]
- That's not a word.
What do you mean, it's not a word? Words are living and breathing things.
That's how words work.
No, that's not how words work.
If you're speaking, and you're saying it, - that's a word, by law.
- You're not a lyricist.
How can I be a lyricist if I don't try? - I study hip-hop.
- What course do you take? The streets.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a disaster.
- I'm in.
- You're welcome.
[ESTHER HUMMING SCALES.]
That's you singing? I thought a feral cat was getting its nipples pierced.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
It's actually illegal to pierce an animal.
I took Dusty to the mall when I was in fifth grade What exactly is this place? It feels like it's haunted by the ghost of middle-class Ikea shoppers.
When my parents evict somebody, they take all their stuff and dump it here.
- Oh.
- Look, a baby.
Just kidding.
You know what? Maybe we should shoot outside in the sunlight, 'cause the lighting in here is not working for me.
Absolutely not.
I've got a vision for this, and it's gotta happen my way.
All right, your vision, Scorsese, but this equipment is very expensive, so I don't want any food or drink near it.
- What about - Yes, that includes Bugles.
It's a comedy club camera.
It's 100% been vomited on.
Hey, don't disrespect our crew.
Gotcha.
All right, all right, all right.
No horseplay, and that's your warning, Esther.
- She started it.
- You started it.
That's your warning.
Listen, 30% of all workplace accidents are due to horseplay.
What's the other 70%? I've never been in a workplace.
Quick math.
I'm impressed.
Roughhousing.
Now, I think we should set up down there.
There's no visible exit signs around here.
No, we're not changing the set, guys.
Like I said, this is my vision.
No compromises.
Fine.
Maybe if someone gets hurt, a jury will see this thing.
Okay, so, let's get started.
Esther, I need you to get into wardrobe, I'm gonna go to Parker's green room and check in on him.
Parker has a green room? I need a green room.
Dude, I put it in our contracts most favored nations.
And I don't know exactly what that means, but I heard it on Entertainment Tonight, and I need it.
Look, dude, you promised to get soda for everyone, and you didn't.
- That's a breach of contract.
- How do you know there's not - soda in my bag? - Breach of contract, - No.
- breach of contract.
I forgot intentionally 'cause I care about your health.
Parker, why aren't you in wardrobe? Signature ska look, man.
Checkered shoes, golf socks, skinny tie.
We discussed this.
Why are you Marlon Brando-ing me right now? Is Marlon Brando a ska band? No.
He was just difficult on set, especially on The Island of Dr.
Moreau.
Well, this is what I'm wearing.
Let me just.
Parker.
- Don't lick me.
- I'm not licking you.
You're basically licking me.
Okay.
You're lucky the first rule of ska is always have an extra set of suspenders.
Nobody knows what ska is anymore.
Parker, my baby, they will, okay? Just help me out a little, and your new dad's gonna be super proud of you.
Okay? All right? Rodney loves everything that I do.
Everything okay? Yeah, he just needed some wardrobe help.
You know, even Bowie had a makeup girl.
Okay, where do you want me? Are the pearls too much? They're actually a cat toy I found at a pet shop.
Esther, the character breakdown said rock groupie with questionable morals.
That is not this.
Oh, I know, but, um, I can't sexy dance around 12-year-old boys.
I'm a babysitting entrepreneur, okay? Today, I'm playing the role of the responsible caregiver.
I hate that.
I just hate that idea.
It's gonna be great.
All the parents will hire me to be their babysitter, and then, I'm front row at Rhianna.
Come on, man, I'm trying to make my music video look cool, okay? The way to not do that is by also making it a nanny commercial.
I'm putting my foot down.
You wear a size four.
Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish? Ruth Bader Ginsburg wears a size four, and she puts her foot down all the time, - and it never budges.
- Gotta do this.
Losing daylight.
What are you talking about? We're indoors.
- Daylight's not an issue.
- Yeah, but I have to get this equipment back before the stand-up sets start.
If I don't, they'll bump me back down to ticket taker and that's paper-cut city, man, - now tick-tock.
- Fine.
Yeah, let's get started.
I have a hard out in five minutes.
Parker, you're invited to set.
Stop laughing at me, everybody.
There you are.
Let's make some magic.
- Parker, your hair is looking so sharp.
- Thanks.
Why aren't you wearing shoes? Your mom's an anti-vaxxer.
You really think you ever got a tetanus shot? I wanna be alt-folk, like the Lumineers.
Parker, you freakin' poser.
Alt-folk is a sham.
You think the Lumineers tour in an Oregon trail wagon? Come on, man, use your head.
Action.
Oh, that's where you're gonna put the camera? Action! Esther, you're playing it a little bit big.
- Let's pull it back a little.
- Okay.
You're supposed to hand him the ska CD.
That's what leads him down the dark path of ruin.
He looked hungry.
Thank you.
I am hungry.
Guys, there's no chatting when we're rolling, okay? Then don't provoke us.
- Just hand him the CD.
- Got it.
Oh, did you hurt yourself? What are you doing? He has a boo-boo.
That's a cut.
Cut! Come here.
I need to talk to you.
- Come here.
- What? Just need you to hand him the CD, it's really simple.
It's the whole point of all of this.
You know I don't touch outdated media; it's cursed.
Let's just do it my way now, and we'll do it your way later.
[WHISPERS.]
Just give him the CD.
Don't do it, Esther.
- Don't do it.
- Shut up.
- Make me.
- Take it.
- Make me.
- Just take direction.
- JEFF: Please.
- I hate direction.
- You guys.
- Shut up, Jeff! I am gonna come off as a great babysitter.
She's stronger than she seems, you know that.
- You're a bad influence on Parker.
- You're a bad influence.
- Don't hit.
- Not around the equipment.
Ohw Unbelievable.
What did we just learn about horseplay? ESTHER: I'm sorry, Jeff.
You just never think you're gonna become a statistic.
Your privileges are revoked.
If I can't honor the title of comedy club AV guy, - then what can I do? - You're right I'm out of here.
You're just gonna storm off set? Maybe.
I don't remember how to get out of here, and I can't see the exit signs.
I'm the star of this video.
If anyone's gonna storm off the set, it's gonna be me.
I actually went the wrong way.
Come on, man.
Let's finish this thing.
Let's go.
There's nothing to finish.
Jeff is taking the equipment.
So? People make movies on phones that get nominated for Academy Awards.
Don't fact-check that.
You want to hear some ska poetry, real big fish.
I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.
Dude Benji, this is the first time I've ever seen you actually care about something, and I'm not gonna let you give up over a few tiny yet important creative improvements.
You're just trying to trick rich moms into thinking you know how to call poison control.
No one really knows how to call poison control.
We're all just pretending.
Yes, my financial future depends on the success of this video, but that doesn't mean you should turn your back on your song, man.
- Come on.
- Whatever.
Quitting gets a bad rap.
It feels so good.
I hate that you're making me do this.
Benji, your song isn't that bad.
Okay? I'm not saying it's good, and I'm not even saying I think it's a real song, but I think somewhere, someone could like it.
- Thanks.
- Let's do this.
You're the first girl to say something nice about it who isn't wearing a bowling shirt.
I believe that.
I surely do.
This thing turned out great.
I'm glad you talked me into finishing it.
I mean, this is my best work to date.
I feel like I'm watching a Norma Jean Baker in the making.
All I have to do now is have sex with Tomb Raider, and high school Benji's 100% validated.
High school Esther would wonder why I'm not having more picnics in cemeteries.
I really thought that was gonna be a bigger thing for me.
It's almost like lonely and didn't have friends.
Did you mean it when you said this was good, or did you just say that so I'd go back in and finish? Let's not poke holes in success.
Kids suck at dancing.
I feel bad for their parents.
I feel bad for Parker, man.
They kinda went low budget on his bar mitzvah.
His brother had a glass blower, a baby tiger.
Aunt Renee! We were just saying how you totally nailed the music theme here.
I just wanted to say, where is Uncle Rodney? I've been looking for him all night.
You know I wanna meet this guy, come on.
- Where you hiding him? - He's running late.
He was just negotiating a huge record contract for a certain child celebrity.
Oh, my God, is it Blue Ivy? - Totally Blue Ivy.
- Oh, my God.
Correct me if I'm wrong; isn't Blue Ivy, like, six? Are they remixing the alphabet song to be a club single? What, are you crazy? My singing career peaked at six.
I wanna thank you, Benji, for helping with Parker.
He's been rehearsing day and night.
I've literally never seen him this disciplined.
He is just such a sweet boy.
I feel like all he needed was a gentle nudge.
Aw, well, he's been going on and on about you, Esther.
You will have to come and babysit for us.
Oh, my God, I would love that so much.
I mean, please call my office.
- We will get that scheduled.
- Okay.
We will do that.
And I love this dress.
Is that designer? You know, everything is designed by someone.
Okay.
All right, you two have fun.
Oh, my God, phase one of my plan actually worked.
Thank you.
Next target, every single kid at this bar mitzvah.
Get it, girl.
Yes! Oh, I'll take that.
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
So our little rock star Parker has something very special that he would like to show you.
I would like to single out my nephew Benji, because he helped Parker, and made all of this possible.
All right.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody, but I could not have done it without my friend Esther, who is so responsible.
Always insists on using a pool cover.
That's right.
You guys are too kind.
Thank you so much.
I accept your praise.
Thank you.
[WEAK APPLAUSE.]
RENEE: Okay.
All right.
[PARKER SINGING.]
Hey, ho What is this? He changed the song.
It's no Gaga, but it's still good.
And the suspenders still play.
Such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music.
Probably just gotta wait until gas prices go down, and then seven-person bands can tour again.
I'm sorry, but hey, at least you can be happy for me.
I'm gonna be rich.
Babysitter You took me by the hand Esther, you changed me From a boy into a man [SPECTATORS GASPING.]
Stay and tuck me in You were saying? Oh, my God, your cousin is a sex-crazed little freak.
I saw her dancing earlier.
I thought she was in Parker's class.
Of course our cousin Benji would end up on the road to porn.
[SONG CONTINUES.]
He's a 13-year-old boy.
If they don't vent their sexual frustrations, they kill little animals.
This is kind of a winner.
Are you crazy? Bubbe is going to have a heart attack? It's fine.
Chill, all right? You're gonna have to figure out a new way to get those Rhianna tickets.
Okay, yes, I am sexy, but sexy and responsible can go together.
No, they cannot, and you need to go.
But think of UNICEF ambassador Angelina Jolie.
I'm like her.
I'm pretty and responsible.
Oh, grab that.
I'm a babysitter.
Hey, Esther, it's Parker send nudes.
I did it, I'm a dancing waitress.
Congrats! You really gotta have game to work there.
I know.
And you know what, I takes people years to get to where I am, and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever-ever escape me.
Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry.
I'm whatever it takes dude, all things to Ethel.
Will you say 'hi' to Tupac for me?
I've shown you this like, a million times.
Look, pretty much, the entire backbone of ska music is upstrokes on the offbeat, right? That's ska music.
I don't even know what ska is.
Can we learn the Lumineers or Kurt Vile, 'cause that's what's cool right now.
Parker, you're in seventh grade.
You don't know what's cool.
Everyone around you is getting blown up on exploding hover boards.
Yeah, but the lucky ones get settlements.
Look, Aunt Renee says you wanna be a professional musician, right? - Yeah.
- This song can be your ticket in.
My new dad Rodney is a lawyer for a big music label, and that's gonna be my ticket in.
Parker, come on.
No one in life is just gonna hand you stuff.
You gotta earn it.
Unless you're a beautiful woman; that advice doesn't apply to you.
Parker, you have to work hard and earn it, like Benji, who lives with his brother, and sells his dad's old golf clubs on eBay.
I'm giving a guitar lesson right now.
I'm making money; I'm an earner.
I'm an earner.
- Look at this.
- Ugh.
So viscous.
Is that upstairs slime or downstairs slime? I don't know what you mean by that, but clearly, you're out of touch with important trends.
People are paying big bucks for small batches of homemade slime on Etsy, and you're damn straight your girl's gettin' in the game.
I think this is the right viscosity, but Parker, does this look like kids will like it? Uhh Yeah.
Yeah, you're getting there.
I didn't know you were profiting off your retainer scrapings.
It's very "using every part of the buffalo" of you.
- Thank you.
- What's your plan? - What are you saving money for? - Rhianna tickets.
She's a dancer-entrepreneur icon like myself, so we have to support each other.
Yeah-yeah, Rhianna needs your support, totally.
All right, so, with this ska stuff Don't teach him your ska music.
Parker, listen to me.
You need to learn about cool stuff like podcasts about unsolved murders.
Look, this song is cool.
I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets.
That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing, and were only, like, kind of embarrassing.
Wait.
You wrote that? I didn't know you had any talent.
The truth is that ska used to be really popular, and it's probably gonna be popular again.
The music industry works in cycles, right? Like how Selena Gomez is really just J.
Lo without the ability to sing or dance.
- Don't.
Don't do this.
- What? Take it back.
- Take what back? - Take back what you said about Selena, okay? - It's unacceptable.
- She seems like a nice girl, and she's pretty, but she's not talented.
Okay, I will walk out that door and you will never see me again.
This is why Bieber left her.
He didn't leave her.
She upgraded to The Weekend.
Know your stuff, man.
There's no upgrade after Bieber.
No one likes Bieber, okay? - You can have Bieber.
- Everyone likes Bieber.
You can go get Bieber.
You and Bieber will be by yourself on an island.
Fine.
I wanna be on an island with Bieber.
- Yeah, me, too.
- We'll collab and stuff.
Okay, so Take your index finger and put it on the third fret.
Parker, time to go.
We have the chef coming tonight, he's making paella.
His paella tastes like dog dingus.
Okay, in the car now, or you can just forget about your video game camp.
It's a Call of Duty tournament.
For the millionth time.
You can tell we're related by how angry yet coddled he is.
Are you coming to the bar mitzvah this weekend? It's a music theme.
Yes, I'm gonna be there.
My mom will kill me if I don't go.
Bar mitzvahs have gotten so elaborate.
All of his friends have music videos and home movies.
Do you know anyone with music video experience? Ohw, well, I make memes and GIF's all day.
I could make a music video.
And I already taught him a really great song today.
We're good to go.
That's terrific.
I will, of course, cover all the costs.
Wow.
Thanks.
Renee, I'm so glad I caught you.
I just wanted to let you know that I am available for babysitting, and have very competitive rates, and I'm open to negotiation.
Okay, I have a spin class.
"I have spin class.
" That's how bored housewives get away from you.
Ugh! God, I'm busting my ass making slime.
I gotta get back into nannying for rich families.
I mean, that's where the money is.
I know.
Rich people fridges are the best.
They always have small-batch nut butters.
I once went to this billionaire's house.
He had pistachio butter.
Like, what is that? My mind was blown.
Oh, my God.
That sounds so gross.
I wanna try pistachio butter.
And don't ever look at my eyes when you say nut butter.
That was gross.
You should help me with the music video.
What? You're really considering doing that? Yeah.
His new dad knows so many record industry people.
Industry people? Me likey the sound of that.
I'm working on my Italian accent.
Buenos noches.
Buenos Aires.
Dude, if my music video crushes in front of those people, who knows what could happen.
I might reawaken ska for a whole new generation of music fans.
Oh, Benji.
Maybe.
If you help me, I'll work you into budget.
Aunt Renee's paying for everything.
I'll say you're a stand-in for a top-heavy young boy.
Help you out with those Rhianna tickets.
I'll do it.
But I have to see your directing reel first obviously.
Yeah, totally.
[SKA MUSIC PLAYS.]
Now there's no place, no place like L.
A.
No place, no place like L.
A.
[LAUGHTER.]
You said you wanted to see my director's reel.
I'm dying, and I'm fine with it.
This is how I wanna go.
Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it.
Guys, this was cool back then.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Stop.
- No, please, please.
I need to own this at all times.
It's not fair to judge it by today's standards.
The production values are weak.
I'm judging it by middle school talent show standards, and it's terrible.
Oh, no.
Oh, what happened there? We never finished the video.
We couldn't decide on a name for the album.
They wanted to name it Ska-lute Your Shorts, I wanted to name it Harry Potter and the Ska-blet of Fire.
Stop laughing at me.
Oh, man, I could see how that would really tear the band apart Those two red-hot options there.
Guys, this was a dark time for me.
I had to quit the band for creative reasons, and my song never got out there.
They all went goth, I developed an unhealthy relationship with Minesweeper.
- It was bad.
- Listen, when they do the Behind The Music for this band of yours, leave out the Minesweeper part.
You don't want your fans killing themselves.
Are you gonna let me borrow the equipment or not? Absolutely not.
I take being AV manager very seriously, even though I only got this job because no one else in the comedy club wanted it.
I would've done it.
Regardless, this equipment is for recording people that perform at the club, okay, not some rich kid's vanity project.
Okay, Jeff, here's the thing that Benji boy isn't telling you.
I am actually the star of this music video, and technically, you won't be breaking any rules by lending us the equipment because I am a performer of this club.
Have you guys ever worked together? Yeah.
Lunch orders We share a creative thread, you know.
As long as she doesn't freak out when the craft doesn't have curly fries, we're cool.
Okay, well, that spice on curly fries should be on all fries, it's so good.
Wait.
That is a song.
That should be a song.
Someone write that down.
Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice On straight fries would be erreally nice - "Erreally"? - Erreally, yeah.
- [HUMMING.]
- That's not a word.
What do you mean, it's not a word? Words are living and breathing things.
That's how words work.
No, that's not how words work.
If you're speaking, and you're saying it, - that's a word, by law.
- You're not a lyricist.
How can I be a lyricist if I don't try? - I study hip-hop.
- What course do you take? The streets.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a disaster.
- I'm in.
- You're welcome.
[ESTHER HUMMING SCALES.]
That's you singing? I thought a feral cat was getting its nipples pierced.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
It's actually illegal to pierce an animal.
I took Dusty to the mall when I was in fifth grade What exactly is this place? It feels like it's haunted by the ghost of middle-class Ikea shoppers.
When my parents evict somebody, they take all their stuff and dump it here.
- Oh.
- Look, a baby.
Just kidding.
You know what? Maybe we should shoot outside in the sunlight, 'cause the lighting in here is not working for me.
Absolutely not.
I've got a vision for this, and it's gotta happen my way.
All right, your vision, Scorsese, but this equipment is very expensive, so I don't want any food or drink near it.
- What about - Yes, that includes Bugles.
It's a comedy club camera.
It's 100% been vomited on.
Hey, don't disrespect our crew.
Gotcha.
All right, all right, all right.
No horseplay, and that's your warning, Esther.
- She started it.
- You started it.
That's your warning.
Listen, 30% of all workplace accidents are due to horseplay.
What's the other 70%? I've never been in a workplace.
Quick math.
I'm impressed.
Roughhousing.
Now, I think we should set up down there.
There's no visible exit signs around here.
No, we're not changing the set, guys.
Like I said, this is my vision.
No compromises.
Fine.
Maybe if someone gets hurt, a jury will see this thing.
Okay, so, let's get started.
Esther, I need you to get into wardrobe, I'm gonna go to Parker's green room and check in on him.
Parker has a green room? I need a green room.
Dude, I put it in our contracts most favored nations.
And I don't know exactly what that means, but I heard it on Entertainment Tonight, and I need it.
Look, dude, you promised to get soda for everyone, and you didn't.
- That's a breach of contract.
- How do you know there's not - soda in my bag? - Breach of contract, - No.
- breach of contract.
I forgot intentionally 'cause I care about your health.
Parker, why aren't you in wardrobe? Signature ska look, man.
Checkered shoes, golf socks, skinny tie.
We discussed this.
Why are you Marlon Brando-ing me right now? Is Marlon Brando a ska band? No.
He was just difficult on set, especially on The Island of Dr.
Moreau.
Well, this is what I'm wearing.
Let me just.
Parker.
- Don't lick me.
- I'm not licking you.
You're basically licking me.
Okay.
You're lucky the first rule of ska is always have an extra set of suspenders.
Nobody knows what ska is anymore.
Parker, my baby, they will, okay? Just help me out a little, and your new dad's gonna be super proud of you.
Okay? All right? Rodney loves everything that I do.
Everything okay? Yeah, he just needed some wardrobe help.
You know, even Bowie had a makeup girl.
Okay, where do you want me? Are the pearls too much? They're actually a cat toy I found at a pet shop.
Esther, the character breakdown said rock groupie with questionable morals.
That is not this.
Oh, I know, but, um, I can't sexy dance around 12-year-old boys.
I'm a babysitting entrepreneur, okay? Today, I'm playing the role of the responsible caregiver.
I hate that.
I just hate that idea.
It's gonna be great.
All the parents will hire me to be their babysitter, and then, I'm front row at Rhianna.
Come on, man, I'm trying to make my music video look cool, okay? The way to not do that is by also making it a nanny commercial.
I'm putting my foot down.
You wear a size four.
Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish? Ruth Bader Ginsburg wears a size four, and she puts her foot down all the time, - and it never budges.
- Gotta do this.
Losing daylight.
What are you talking about? We're indoors.
- Daylight's not an issue.
- Yeah, but I have to get this equipment back before the stand-up sets start.
If I don't, they'll bump me back down to ticket taker and that's paper-cut city, man, - now tick-tock.
- Fine.
Yeah, let's get started.
I have a hard out in five minutes.
Parker, you're invited to set.
Stop laughing at me, everybody.
There you are.
Let's make some magic.
- Parker, your hair is looking so sharp.
- Thanks.
Why aren't you wearing shoes? Your mom's an anti-vaxxer.
You really think you ever got a tetanus shot? I wanna be alt-folk, like the Lumineers.
Parker, you freakin' poser.
Alt-folk is a sham.
You think the Lumineers tour in an Oregon trail wagon? Come on, man, use your head.
Action.
Oh, that's where you're gonna put the camera? Action! Esther, you're playing it a little bit big.
- Let's pull it back a little.
- Okay.
You're supposed to hand him the ska CD.
That's what leads him down the dark path of ruin.
He looked hungry.
Thank you.
I am hungry.
Guys, there's no chatting when we're rolling, okay? Then don't provoke us.
- Just hand him the CD.
- Got it.
Oh, did you hurt yourself? What are you doing? He has a boo-boo.
That's a cut.
Cut! Come here.
I need to talk to you.
- Come here.
- What? Just need you to hand him the CD, it's really simple.
It's the whole point of all of this.
You know I don't touch outdated media; it's cursed.
Let's just do it my way now, and we'll do it your way later.
[WHISPERS.]
Just give him the CD.
Don't do it, Esther.
- Don't do it.
- Shut up.
- Make me.
- Take it.
- Make me.
- Just take direction.
- JEFF: Please.
- I hate direction.
- You guys.
- Shut up, Jeff! I am gonna come off as a great babysitter.
She's stronger than she seems, you know that.
- You're a bad influence on Parker.
- You're a bad influence.
- Don't hit.
- Not around the equipment.
Ohw Unbelievable.
What did we just learn about horseplay? ESTHER: I'm sorry, Jeff.
You just never think you're gonna become a statistic.
Your privileges are revoked.
If I can't honor the title of comedy club AV guy, - then what can I do? - You're right I'm out of here.
You're just gonna storm off set? Maybe.
I don't remember how to get out of here, and I can't see the exit signs.
I'm the star of this video.
If anyone's gonna storm off the set, it's gonna be me.
I actually went the wrong way.
Come on, man.
Let's finish this thing.
Let's go.
There's nothing to finish.
Jeff is taking the equipment.
So? People make movies on phones that get nominated for Academy Awards.
Don't fact-check that.
You want to hear some ska poetry, real big fish.
I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.
Dude Benji, this is the first time I've ever seen you actually care about something, and I'm not gonna let you give up over a few tiny yet important creative improvements.
You're just trying to trick rich moms into thinking you know how to call poison control.
No one really knows how to call poison control.
We're all just pretending.
Yes, my financial future depends on the success of this video, but that doesn't mean you should turn your back on your song, man.
- Come on.
- Whatever.
Quitting gets a bad rap.
It feels so good.
I hate that you're making me do this.
Benji, your song isn't that bad.
Okay? I'm not saying it's good, and I'm not even saying I think it's a real song, but I think somewhere, someone could like it.
- Thanks.
- Let's do this.
You're the first girl to say something nice about it who isn't wearing a bowling shirt.
I believe that.
I surely do.
This thing turned out great.
I'm glad you talked me into finishing it.
I mean, this is my best work to date.
I feel like I'm watching a Norma Jean Baker in the making.
All I have to do now is have sex with Tomb Raider, and high school Benji's 100% validated.
High school Esther would wonder why I'm not having more picnics in cemeteries.
I really thought that was gonna be a bigger thing for me.
It's almost like lonely and didn't have friends.
Did you mean it when you said this was good, or did you just say that so I'd go back in and finish? Let's not poke holes in success.
Kids suck at dancing.
I feel bad for their parents.
I feel bad for Parker, man.
They kinda went low budget on his bar mitzvah.
His brother had a glass blower, a baby tiger.
Aunt Renee! We were just saying how you totally nailed the music theme here.
I just wanted to say, where is Uncle Rodney? I've been looking for him all night.
You know I wanna meet this guy, come on.
- Where you hiding him? - He's running late.
He was just negotiating a huge record contract for a certain child celebrity.
Oh, my God, is it Blue Ivy? - Totally Blue Ivy.
- Oh, my God.
Correct me if I'm wrong; isn't Blue Ivy, like, six? Are they remixing the alphabet song to be a club single? What, are you crazy? My singing career peaked at six.
I wanna thank you, Benji, for helping with Parker.
He's been rehearsing day and night.
I've literally never seen him this disciplined.
He is just such a sweet boy.
I feel like all he needed was a gentle nudge.
Aw, well, he's been going on and on about you, Esther.
You will have to come and babysit for us.
Oh, my God, I would love that so much.
I mean, please call my office.
- We will get that scheduled.
- Okay.
We will do that.
And I love this dress.
Is that designer? You know, everything is designed by someone.
Okay.
All right, you two have fun.
Oh, my God, phase one of my plan actually worked.
Thank you.
Next target, every single kid at this bar mitzvah.
Get it, girl.
Yes! Oh, I'll take that.
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
So our little rock star Parker has something very special that he would like to show you.
I would like to single out my nephew Benji, because he helped Parker, and made all of this possible.
All right.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody, but I could not have done it without my friend Esther, who is so responsible.
Always insists on using a pool cover.
That's right.
You guys are too kind.
Thank you so much.
I accept your praise.
Thank you.
[WEAK APPLAUSE.]
RENEE: Okay.
All right.
[PARKER SINGING.]
Hey, ho What is this? He changed the song.
It's no Gaga, but it's still good.
And the suspenders still play.
Such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music.
Probably just gotta wait until gas prices go down, and then seven-person bands can tour again.
I'm sorry, but hey, at least you can be happy for me.
I'm gonna be rich.
Babysitter You took me by the hand Esther, you changed me From a boy into a man [SPECTATORS GASPING.]
Stay and tuck me in You were saying? Oh, my God, your cousin is a sex-crazed little freak.
I saw her dancing earlier.
I thought she was in Parker's class.
Of course our cousin Benji would end up on the road to porn.
[SONG CONTINUES.]
He's a 13-year-old boy.
If they don't vent their sexual frustrations, they kill little animals.
This is kind of a winner.
Are you crazy? Bubbe is going to have a heart attack? It's fine.
Chill, all right? You're gonna have to figure out a new way to get those Rhianna tickets.
Okay, yes, I am sexy, but sexy and responsible can go together.
No, they cannot, and you need to go.
But think of UNICEF ambassador Angelina Jolie.
I'm like her.
I'm pretty and responsible.
Oh, grab that.
I'm a babysitter.
Hey, Esther, it's Parker send nudes.
I did it, I'm a dancing waitress.
Congrats! You really gotta have game to work there.
I know.
And you know what, I takes people years to get to where I am, and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever-ever escape me.
Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry.
I'm whatever it takes dude, all things to Ethel.
Will you say 'hi' to Tupac for me?