Amazing Stories (1985) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Mr.
Alec? Ah, ah, ah, ah! Robert, you know how much I like to dunk.
Shall I leave the dessert tray? Look at me, Robert.
Yes, you shall leave the dessert tray.
And please get me another bowl of sugar.
Yes, sir.
And some margarine! Margarine, not butter.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Hi, Porky Pig! You just wanna get off of my sweets? I'm here.
Aren't you going to Florida this winter? That's bathing suit time.
You can ask just so much of rayon.
You're a porker.
Larry, admit it.
You sit down in shifts.
Look who's talking, Mr.
Oink-oink.
Oh, I like resistance.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Look.
There's a guy cheating on his wife over there.
That's- Who did that? Who bit that? Larry, open up.
Oh! How do you feel, Larry? Guilty.
I can't hear you, Larry.
A little louder.
Guilty, Your Honor.
My work is done here.
Your dress is too short.
If it was any shorter, you could be arrested.
In fact, you should be arrested.
Officer, follow those buns! It's me.
Of all the bars in the neighborhood, why does Guilt come into mine? Give me a martini.
No! Use the stuff that you hide in the back for yourself.
You devil.
It's Guilt.
Oh, no.
It's Guilt again.
Ooh! Ahhh! That's perfect.
Give me three more just like this.
Keep them coming.
You promised to call me, but you never did.
Yeah, so I didn't call.
What's the problem? There's something wrong with you.
I don't know.
It's like- It's like you don't have any conscience or anything.
Well, it's like you have no patience or something.
All you have to do is wait a week and then call me.
I'll call you.
Oh, this is good.
Innkeeper, please freshen up the drinks for my "beautatious" friends.
- Don't you think you had enough? - What? We have a policy at this bar where we don't serve the inebriated.
Excuse me, ladies, I'm going to the loo.
Oh, for a minute there, I thought you were sitting upside down.
Ooh.
Oh, no.
Yo.
Two teenagers kissing way too much.
Oh, not teenagers again! 128 Sycamore.
Oh, Chief, 128 Sycamore.
Over and up.
I thought I heard something.
Yes, I heard it too.
We've still got that old chemistry.
Sure have it tonight.
Really.
I think I heard something.
I swear.
It sounds like my father.
I'm telling you, total silence sounds like a father's foot.
Don't you teenagers know that this is not allowed? Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you in years.
And it looks like I got here just in the nick of time.
You kids should be ashamed of yourselves.
Look, I can understand your showing up in the back of the Pinto.
But we're married now.
Yes.
Don't make me laugh! Sit up, and sit up right now! And I want those arms and those eyes forward! I want you to see an army training film.
Hold this.
Oh, that's just an island.
Look again.
That's a rash.
Bingo.
Excuse me.
Yo.
Boss wants to see you.
I'm busy.
I'm working.
Now! You got it.
Listen, kids.
Keep it clean! Yoo-hoo! Ah, hello! Come! Come in! Ooh.
Uh- Come.
Come in.
- Sit down.
Have a nice trip? - Oh, beautiful.
Hey, Guilt, it's good to see you, kid.
- You're one of my favorite emotions.
- It's nice to see you too, big guy.
- Sit! - You got it.
Okay, big guy.
Let me tell you you're doing a good job.
A fine job.
On the whole, you made the world a guilty place to live.
My pleasure.
Smokey the Bear commercials are still running.
Lean Cuisine sales are way up.
I really have to commend you.
Well, we do what we can.
Let me ask you something.
Any progress with Nixon? He's a tough nut to crack.
He will not fold.
I tell you, even his memoirs- amazing.
Let me just get your opinion on something.
Yes, sir.
What happened over on Sycamore? Oh, routine.
Kissing teenagers.
I handled it.
Why? - Have you been drinking? - No, sir.
L- Uh, yes, sir, I have.
All right, I have been drinking.
But I also have to tell you that I've been working very hard.
Why? Did I get the wrong house? Right house.
- Well? - Wrong room.
Oh, hell.
The couple that you interrupted were happily married for 25 years.
To each other.
You know, I showed them the army training film.
Yes, I saw that too.
Disgusting.
They probably won't get back together again for another eight months.
I'll have to send Romance, Passion and probably even Lust.
And you know how busy she is.
Yeah.
She works weekends.
Oh.
They can fool around all they want.
Will you check your manual? You know, he did look prematurely bald to me.
I mean, I think that's pretty funny, don't you? No! I'm over here, big guy.
You were one of the best guilts we ever had.
Thanks.
But you've been messing up a lot lately.
A little drinking.
I didn't harm anyone.
I see everything from up here.
And he can see better than I can.
Now, happy hour is taking its toll.
Do I make myself clear? Perfectly.
I want you to take a vacation.
A vacation? Oh, no! Please! No! Listen! I'm just starting to get through toJoan Crawford's daughter.
I'm not making a suggestion.
I'm giving you an order.
Oh, big guy, please.
I want you to go and have fun.
Big guy- Shut up! Okay, I will have fun.
Put me down for a vacation.
I don't care.
Um- No hot sand.
No hot sand.
It gives me blisters.
Blisters.
And no snow.
It affects my sinuses.
No- No mosquitoes and no boats.
No.
Ooh.
All right.
Okay.
I'm married, and my wife thinks I'm on a business trip.
And I'm glad I said it.
I'm not sure why.
Hi.
Bonjour, monsieur.
Table for two? Cute.
Just show me to the piano bar.
S'il vous plaît, monsieur.
May I remind you that you're not French.
That's how I got the job.
I had to tell 'em I was born in Paris.
Who am I hurting? No one, if you can live with a lie like that.
I, personally, would have cut my wrists.
Hi, everybody! I'm Harvey Pinkerton.
Oh, we're the Beckermans.
Sam just retired, and this is the first time we can just take off since his bypass.
Well, as long as you watch your cholesterol, Sam.
Oh, isn't he the cutest thing? Look how he's just met us and already he's worried about our levels.
Oh, and I'm Judy and this here is Bob.
We can't believe how pretty this ship is.
- Yeah.
Let's enjoy it till the bills come.
- Money has been a little tight.
Yeah.
That's because you're sailing on your kid's education.
I think I need fresh air.
There's a jerk like that on every voyage.
Hi.
- You are so lovely.
- Yes.
Yes.
And you can take a compliment too.
I like that in a goddess.
No.
Lovely is my name.
Your name? Gee.
So your mom really took a risk.
I mean, you are lovely.
I mean, really beautiful.
But you could've had a mustache and looked like Boris Karloff.
I've always been attracted to Boris in a spooky sort of way.
Would it bother you if I had a mustache? No.
Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Yes.
Oh, swell! And then when I left Harvard, oh, with my Phi Beta Kappa key shining into the sun- Will there be anything else for you this evening? Will you take a cab? Thank you.
My key was glistening in the afternoon sun with all those coeds weeping, "Don't go.
" Oh! Why don't we go up on deck? Oh, no.
You haven't finished your mousse.
I'm not hungry.
I mean, that's a lot of perfectly good food.
It's just going to waste.
You could feed a family of six.
You're trying to make me feel guilty.
Well, just- But it's not gonna work.
I came on this cruise to have a good time, and you're not gonna stop me.
Sir- Blow.
Listen, you are so beautiful when you're embarrassing me in front of a roomful of people.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not beautiful.
Just very, very pretty.
I gotta tell ya, you're the only person I've ever met who just sweeps me off my feet.
This is a date, right? We're having a date even though we're on a boat, right? You can be on water and still date.
Wow.
Don't you worry about your breath? No, not at all.
I've always had good hygiene.
Would you like to see my room? What if I don't respect you afterwards? The important thing is I respect myself, and I will if I'm very, very good.
It was great for me.
I heard violins.
I saw fireworks.
Well? Ah.
Well, uh, uh, yes.
Um- Guilt is away on a vacation.
He's been messing up a lot lately.
Oh, really? Well, uh, let me watch it and then I'll call you right back.
So it seems we'll have wet weather the next several days.
And now we have two stories that seem to be related in a very strange sort of way.
Let's go to St.
Joseph's Church and Susan Kleig.
That's right, Jenny.
We're here at St.
Joseph's Church in the hills, and we're going to- Oh, Father McClintey, just what has been happening? We don't exactly know, Susan.
What we do know is that several days ago people stopped coming to confession.
Stopped? Uh-huh.
They just stopped.
Oh.
And I understand you are doing something about it.
Oh, yes, Susan.
We have decided to advertise in the newspaper, on radio, on television.
I see.
So come on down! Three priests, no waiting.
You know what I mean? Jenny? Jenny? Hello.
It's me again.
Uh, yes, yes.
Guilt is on a little vacation, but he'll be back the day after tomorrow.
Yes, yes, I can get Worry and Fear to work overtime and- Hello? Hello? What's wrong? Could we go up on deck and- and talk? - Oh, sure.
- I have a few things I want to tell you.
There are a few things I want to tell you too.
I feel so badly about something.
Oh.
I did that to you.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
Let me finish.
I haven't been totally honest with you.
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not even a person.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
Listen, some of my best friends are not persons.
That's not important.
What's important is that I love you.
Oh, see? That's just the problem.
I don't know if you're in love with love or me.
I don't know whether you're in love with what I am, which is Love, or the idea of being in love, which is what I do, you know? Not yet.
I'm Love.
You're Love.
You're Love? I know it sounds crazy, but I run around and make people fall in love.
That's why I spend a lot of time on ships.
I just can't believe that.
I mean, oh, I knew you were different.
But, I mean, Love? Look, I'll prove it to you.
Just pick any two people, and I'll make them fall for each other right before your very eyes.
Yeah, now-Anybody? Yeah.
Anybody.
Make it hard.
Just pick any two people you want.
Any two people.
Mm-hmm.
Just- No.
Okay.
That lady right over there.
And? And? Oh, yeah, just- Okay.
That guy.
The schlep.
No problem.
Hey! All right! You do good work.
You're not angry that I lied to you? No, 'cause I lied to you too.
You mean you can't make love all night long? Yes- No.
That was a little white lie.
I mean, I'm not really a brain surgeon like I told you.
I'm Guilt.
Guilt? You mean like you make little kids feel badly about hiding their report card guilt? Yeah, that Guilt.
No! Yeah.
I'll prove it to you.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Pick anybody.
Really? Yes.
Okay.
That happy little guy over there.
Okay.
Johnny, I know what you did to your partner, Murray.
I don't know how you live with yourself.
If he knows, everyone knows.
Murray, I couldn't help myself! My handwriting is sloppy! I couldn't help making a one into a seven on my side! I should never have fallen for a younger woman who wanted things! So you're Guilt.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
Wait a minute.
That's very judgmental.
I didn't do that to you when I found out you were Love.
Yeah, but I'm something nice.
Well, all the nice emotions were gone.
Guilt's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.
I applied for lust.
It was taken.
Hey, I've been around a long time.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
See, I always get so critical when I get too close.
I'm great at love, but I'm lousy at commitment.
Commitment's nice.
You'd like her.
She's got heavy legs, but she's a lot of laughs.
I met her at a wedding.
Guilt? Yeah.
Maybe we should just think of this as one perfect week where we found each other and loved each other and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help.
I never felt like this before.
You don't mean just end it? I mean end it.
Oh! You want to hear something funny? Sure.
I really love you.
And I love you too.
Hey, don't ever leave me.
Why would I ever want to do that? What's love without guilt? Yeah.
Hey, I gotta tell you something.
I work during meals.
I work on Valentine's Day.
Lovely, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.