Animal Control (2023) s01e09 Episode Script

1
♪
[VICTORIA] Hey. How was your big
date night with Maya?
Didn't happen.
Oh, what?
You were so excited for
the full sensory experience
of unprotected sex.
Yeah. I was very excited to
test drive my new vasectomy.
Unfortunately, my son Danny,
AKA the libido killer,
came in with a, "soy elbow."
You guys should just get
a hotel room and go nuts.
Is that a real suggestion?
That's something that you think
is in the realm of reality for me?
Okay. God, you're so cranky.
Just have sex already.
- I'm not cranky, I'm just
- You are cranky!
No, I'm just telling you
what the reality is.
That is what that is, is cranky.
[DISPATCH] All available trucks respond.
Report of a loose goose.
[GASPS] Loose goose.
[DISPATCH] The bird just arrived
in port from Hong Kong
and needs to be quarantined
for possible avian flu.
So this call is
A wild goose chase.
[EXCITED LAUGHTER]
[DISPATCH] The address is
1414 Hollingshead Avenue.
- Truck 12 responding.
- Truck 8 responding.
We got dibs.
No. Actually, we have dibs.
You guys got the last animal metaphor.
Remember the elephant in the
room at the crazy bar mitzvah?
Mm hmm.
You guys got the one down
by the docks, the red herring.
No, no, no. That turned out to be nothing.
Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! Go!
- There's a car in front of me.
- Go around!
I'm gonna take Highland,
we're just around the corner.
I was gonna say take Highland.
Hey everyone.
Just a reminder, we're doing
our animal adoption today
so I'll need at least one team
back at the office.
Get out of the way!
Move! We're gonna miss this.
Please do not cross over
the mid line of the seat.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Truck 8 at the scene.
We have eyes on the goose.
Repeat, we have eyes on the goose.
Yeehaw!
Truck 12 returning to precinct
for animal adoption day.
Okay. Please don't say it like that, Frank.
It's a big community event.
[GOOSE HONKING]
Oh my God, that honk
just gave me goosebumps.
We really got your goose on this one.
That's a lot of puns.
Frank, this goose is officially cooked.
Nice.
Hey!
Come here, buddy. It's okay.
Come here.
[GOOSE HISSES]
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
[GOOSE HONKS]
[OPENING TITLE THEME SONG]
[PA ANNOUNCEMENT] Today only,
free spay and neuter
with any adoption.
Hey.
Hi. I really like this rooster.
They are a big responsibility
if they're a pet.
- Where do you live?
- I'm in the dorms.
Ooh. Could I interest you in something else?
Maybe a turtle or a long novel?
- Um
- What's up Precinct 22?
Hey Rick! How you doing, buddy?
Better now. I love adoption day.
Wait a minute.
- There's something different about you.
- Oh, is there?
Whoop!
You got a new ear!
This one's from Denmark.
It was waiting on my doorstep this morning,
snapped right into place.
- Who's this guy?
- Oh, this is Toby. Fresh out of a bath.
I brushed his teeth with
liver-flavored toothpaste,
which feels like a lateral move breath-wise.
Let's find this boy a home.
This is the best dog in the house.
Toby and I actually started
here the same week.
Oh, that's great. Where's Emily?
Ah, in her office.
Don't you wanna hear more
stories about the dog?
They're boring as hell.
Good morning. Just wanted to pop my head in
and say hi on the big day.
Okay. You just say "hey"
whenever you're ready.
Oh, hi. Uh, sorry, sorry.
Thanks for stopping by.
I'm just I'm kind of alarmed
right now just because of
Hey, is that a new?
Ear? Yeah.
- It's nice.
- Thank you. It was not cheap.
- Oh.
- So, uh what's so alarming?
I just
Um the inventory is off.
Something is missing.
Don't sweat it.
Most of the big stuff is insured.
The smaller stuff often times shows up.
It's a tranquilizer dart.
Got it. You will have
to have that back today.
It's a dart full of a federally
regulated drug.
I could totally get fired for this, right?
You got this. You're gonna track it down.
And if you want,
I can stay and help out with adoption day.
That would be amazing. Thank you.
You think it's possible
that someone on staff took it?
Take a tranquilizer dart
filled with Ketamine?
No.
Wait. Yes. There is one
incredibly logical person.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Oh yeah, here we go.
- [GOOSE HONKING]
Emily.
Hey. Do you have a sec?
[PATEL] You can't outrun me, goose!
Yeah.
I don't really know how to get
into this so, um
do you know anything about
a missing tranquilizer dart?
Uh no I don't. Why?
I did my inventory early and it's off
and I know with your
recreational drug use
Are you accusing me of mainlining a dart?
No!
It's just I've heard you mention
Ketamine specifically before.
I don't think that's accurate.
Are you kidding me?!
You said sex on Ketamine
is like boinking on a cloud.
No, that doesn't sound
like something I would say.
[EMILY] And then when you went to Idaho,
you came back and you said,
you know what the best thing
about Boise is Ketamine.
Might I remind you, you stole drugs from me.
Because I thought they were chocolates.
So you claim.
But maybe you should put
yourself on the suspect list.
Okay, this is not constructive.
Let's just forget this
conversation happened.
- [GOOSE HONKING]
- [CRASH SOUNDS]
So close!
Not sure you can unring
that bell but, yeah, I'll try.
[THUD]
[GOOSE HONKING]
How'd your call go?
Did you have a nice chat?
Yeah, great. I just need to make one more.
Keep him cornered.
[PATEL] Take your time.
I'll keep chasing the goose by myself.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
We have a problem.
Emily knows about the missing
tranquilizer dart.
Just one second.
Okay.
How? She doesn't do inventory
until the end of the month.
I thought we had a few more
weeks to find a replacement.
Yeah, well she did it early.
Why? Does that nerd think
she's going to get extra credit?
Ah, Darlene. Just one more sec.
Does she suspect us?
[VICTORIA] No, not yet.
But it's only a matter of time
before she finds out we used it
on the mountain lion.
You do know it has a name, right?
C-38. Man, you're so weird about him.
Yeah, well if this goes up
the chain, he gets euthanized.
Yeah, and I will get deported,
which is even more tragic because I'm human.
Okay. I thought your guy at the zoo
was gonna steal us a dart.
He's not responding to my messages.
Shocker that your black market
Ketamine connection is a flake.
[FRANK] And why did you have to tranq him?
[VICTORIA] He was lunging at us.
We'd both be dead if I didn't.
Man, Emily's all over this thing.
[FRANK] I'm gonna have to find a way
to distract her at the office.
Maybe send her on a wild
goose chase of her own.
[GOOSE HONKING]
It's a real shame you said that, Frank.
Do you think you could track down a dart
- by the end of the day?
- Yeah. Sure. I'm on it.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- [GOOSE HONKING]
- [PATEL YELLING] Victoria!
What!!!
Emily can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. Um, just one sec.
Hey.
Hey, uh, Victoria told me
all about the missing dart
and I'm sure you are all over it
but I just wanna let you know
that I'm here if you need any help.
Thanks. You're gesturing
a lot with that turtle.
Oh. Right. [CHUCKLES]
Darlene, hey. Congratulations
on your adoption.
And remember, they live 80 years.
So, are you gonna run
some kind of investigation?
Probably.
Yeah. Do you have any
interrogation experience?
No. I actually hate making
people feel uncomfortable.
I love making people uncomfortable.
So we should team up.
A little good cop, nervous cop?
Uh yeah, okay. Yeah, sure, thanks.
Yeah, I can already see the flop sweat.
You are a natural at this.
What?
No.
He sure does seem affectionate.
Oh yeah, he's a great dog.
He's very loving, smart,
house broken, had all his shots.
He is the full package.
Well maybe not full. He's fixed.
We've got a big yard for him
to run around in.
Three acres, all fenced.
Three acres? Take me home.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Well, we'd love to fill out an application.
Oh yeah? Absolutely.
But first we should talk anal glands.
His need to be expressed regularly
and he is not a big fan of the process.
Okay. Sure.
It's a full sensory experience
and you gotta wear clothes
you're not afraid to throw away.
And that has to happen weekly.
Yeah. We're, um
we're gonna take a lap and think about it.
Oh. Are you sure?
Okay. I know it's a big decision,
I'm just not sure he'll be here
when you come to your senses.
Thought you had 'em.
Yeah.
Gotta work on your closing game.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Hey.
Hey guys. What's up?
[FRANK] Unfortunately there's a situation.
There's a tranq dart missing.
Oh my God.
[FRANK] Yeah, and considering the fact
that we keep the darts in here,
we came to see you.
If you're trying to find out
who's been in the exam room
can't you just look through
the video footage?
What? What?
[COLETTE] The bear is a camera.
It is?
Yeah. I have to record
everything that happens here
per the State Board of Veterinary Medicine.
Yeah, but a toy bear?
Talk to the City.
I've been trying to get a new
camera for over a year now.
[EMILY] It's definitely on my to-do list.
Unfortunately watching any of this footage
is a real can of worms, privacy-wise.
There's First Amendment issues,
Third Amendment issues.
Isn't Third Amendment no
soldier shall be quartered
in a house during peacetime?
- Yeah.
- Look, it just all goes to privacy.
Am I being overly cautious? Perhaps.
Now, I'm gonna go to the bathroom
and then we'll dive right in
and start violating some rights.
There's a video.
- [VICTORIA] What?
- Colette's got a teddy bear cam.
So, there's footage of me
taking the tranq dart?
Yeah, unless you wore a disguise.
- Where are you?
- I'm on the toilet.
'Kay.
Look, I'm gonna have to find
a way to delete that footage.
Did you get the dart?
Not yet, I've struck out everywhere.
- But I have one more card to play.
- [FRANK] Bye.
[PATEL] We need to get
back into sync here. Victoria!
[GOOSE HONKING]
Victoria!
And if you get to my rank
you don't have to do this.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, hello Kiwi.
I'm cashing in my favor.
[TEMPLETON] Really?
Yeah. I need a tranquilizer dart
and I need it today.
Yeah, I can't possibly
Really? You said you'd do anything.
Hey, I'm still trying to figure
out what you were doing
in that Tacoma dinner theater that night.
Yeah, and I still don't know
what you were doing
in an amateur production of Hair.
But in exchange for handing
over the full-frontal footage,
you gave me a check, and I'm cashing it in.
Alright. I see your little game. I'll play.
[TEMPLETON] I'll see what I can do.
That's what I thought.
- [PATEL GROANS]
- [GOOSE HONKING]
You all good?
I see you've met Toby.
He's so friendly.
I know. He's the greatest dog.
Looks like he's border collie
and some cattle dog.
Sounds like you really know your dogs.
Yeah, I used to train them
in my Special Ops unit in Afghanistan.
Cool.
Toby seems great.
Can we start an application?
Absolutely. Yeah.
Just sit right here for me.
I just have a few questions for you.
In case of deployment,
who would be Toby's primary caretaker?
- My wife.
- Your wife. And where is she today?
- She's at work.
- And work is?
- Real estate.
- Real estate.
Mm hmm.
Volatile.
Okay, let's talk alcohol consumption.
How many glasses would you say
you have a week?
We'll start with you and then
we'll get to your wife.
We're gonna keep looking. Let's go, Otis.
No!
I only had a few questions left.
He clearly has a drinking problem.
Okay. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
There's Kyle the tech wearing headphones,
doing a little dance.
That's embarrassing for him.
Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, me coming in for a second.
Zipping through that.
Wait, wait. What are you doing?
Oh. I was just getting supplies.
Moving along, that's boring.
Ooh. No, no, no. Frank, stop.
[COLETTE] Are you doing formaldehyde curls?
No, I'm just checking the Yes, I was.
We have a gym on site.
Those are exactly 27 pounds apiece.
It's a very specific workout
for vascularity.
[COLETTE] Wait. You're not gonna
take off your wow.
Oh Frank, come on.
You know what?
No. You know what?
I was just fast-forwarding.
It's a very warm room.
It's like a hot yoga room practically.
You know, I feel like my rights
have been violated.
Okay. I I'm taking over.
You've lost keyboard privileges.
- Yeah. I don't even want it.
- Go.
Probably lost exam room privileges as well.
[COLETTE] Definitely.
[EMILY] Okay, moving on from that.
[PHONE BUZZES]
- [LOUD ROOSTER CROW]
- [COMMOTION COMING FROM BULLPEN]
What the hell is that?
- [ROOSTER CROWS]
- [COMMOTION CONTINUES]
Oh no!
Where are you?
There you are. And delete.
And there I am.
You're a monster, Frank.
A swole, fully jacked monster.
Save.
[GOOSE HONKING]
We got him cornered. Okay. You go that way.
- Ready. Set.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Go!
- Be right back.
- [GOOSE HONKING]
- [PATEL] Where are you going?
We had the son of a bitch cornered!
[WHISTLES]
Here you are.
A newspaper.
Where did you even get that, a newsie?
Okay, we're square now. Got it?
Yeah. We're square.
What, what, what shht! What's it for?
- None of your
- Shht! You can tell me, you can tell me.
- Please, go now.
- You can tell me.
A leopard?
Seriously?
A leopard? A leopard?
Okay.
[GOOSE HONKING]
[LAUGHING] We did it!
We got the goose!
No. I I did it. You did nothing.
Now make yourself useful,
take a picture of me with my bounty.
- Here. Look at that.
- You got him?
We're like best friends.
[WINGS FLUTTER]
[LAUGHS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hey. Um I found something.
It's bad.
I told you it doesn't look good.
No, it doesn't.
- Hey, Patel.
- Frank!
Can we talk for a sec?
Oh, I'm very popular today.
Emily wants to chat too.
There's footage of you covering
the camera in the exam room.
Please tell me it stayed covered.
It did.
What were you doing in there?
Ah I can't say it out loud.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
[IN UNISON] I masturbated in the exam room.
- What?
- Shh!
Uh please explain.
When someone gets a vasectomy, the chamber,
it has to be cleared no less than 40 times
prior to having unprotected sex.
Now as you know, last night
was a very special date night
for me, but I got to work
and I realized I was one shy on my count.
And you have that heightened
fertility, right?
Exactly. I couldn't risk it.
So I went to the exam room
where I know there are locks
and that's where I
- Okay.
- Of course, it was all for naught
'cause Danny stormed in on us
last night like the vice squad.
[SIGHS] So what am I supposed to do?
Should I just, like
do I need to confess to Emily?
- [BOTH] No.
- No.
Don't. That's a tough one to spin.
So what, am I gonna get fired?
- It's not great.
- What, 'cause I love my wife?
- No.
- You had a wank.
At work.
But we won't let that happen.
- Nuh-uh.
- Why was she even looking at the footage?
Because there's a missing tranq dart.
And she thinks I took it?
But you didn't because we know who did.
- Who?
- It doesn't matter who took it.
Just know that it was done
for the most heroic
and noble reasons and he, or she
Or they will go down as legends.
One day the tale will be told.
But for now, I actually think there's a way
that this could work for you
and that other party.
Other party you mean you guys?
- [BOTH] No.
- It's not us.
- Yeah, you guys are the other party.
- Nuh-uh.
- Nope.
- Sounds like you.
- No.
- It's not.
Well, whoever it is, I'm in.
And I know it's you guys.
He's a special guy, isn't he?
He really is.
I can't believe nobody wanted him.
Is that really accurate?
That no one wanted him?
What do you mean?
I wanna play you something.
[BIRD] Wassup! Wassup!
Did you, like, record the commercial?
[BIRD] Wassup!
No. That's a bird. My bird, Emilio.
He has said that phrase every time
I've walked in the door
for the past 16 years.
[BIRD] Wassup!
Emilio was here in the shelter
when I was a rookie
and I became attached.
There were some people who wanted him
but I kept finding ways to sabotage it.
So, you think I ruined things
for Toby on purpose?
I think you have a huge heart,
and you just need some guardrails.
This job will eat you up if you
get too invested in the animals.
[BIRD] Wassup!
That's the last one.
Who's this guy?
Careful, he sleep bites.
Shred.
Sorry. Disregard. Do you wanna say hi?
- Yeah.
- His name's Toby.
Hi Toby.
- Would you like to fill out an application?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
He's a really good boy.
Patel has something he wants to say.
Go ahead.
I took the tranq from the closet.
Oh, Patel.
Tell her everything,
it's nothing to be embarrassed about.
[SIGHS]
It was last week.
Victoria was sick,
and I wish to God it weren't true, but
I hit the sauce, Emily.
Both Arby's and horsey.
I was three beef and cheddars deep
and between all the extra sauces
and melted cheese
I sauced my gun.
So, of course, then I took it
apart to clean it,
and forgot to put the dart back in.
When I realized my mistake,
I ran back to the park
but there's no dart.
So, the dart is still missing?
Or is it?
I heard that story and I followed a hunch.
And as I suspected, it rained
on the night of the 23rd.
A real downpour.
Okay. It's Seattle, it's not that unusual.
I sent Victoria back
to the scene of the crime
where she discovered
The dart.
Bulls eye. Just like in darts.
It was in the storm drain.
[FRANK] Where it had been
washed away by the rain.
Case closed.
Emily, your witness. So case reopened.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, the dart is back so
the inventory will be reconciled
and I guess that is the most
important thing.
Yeah! A real happy ending.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
But I am still obligated
to take disciplinary action.
So you are suspended for a week.
Well, that's harsh.
Didn't see that coming.
I'm sorry, buddy.
But as your union representative,
I think the collective bargaining agreement
is pretty clear.
That suspension's with pay, correct?
That is correct.
He just is not allowed
to come into work at all.
Not even to catch up on paperwork?
Okay, we're done here.
Okay.
- Rough day?
- Very rough day.
Did I ever tell you about
my amazing air vent?
I don't think so.
No?
Just to sterilize dog bites obviously.
That was here the whole time?
Thank you, uh, by the way for today.
You were like a superhero out there.
You got, like, eight dogs adopted.
Yeah. Sometimes I miss this job.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I also like being independently wealthy.
But I love the camaraderie.
[CHUCKLES]
So
Did you get your situation resolved?
You still look a little haunted.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
What do you do when you're pretty sure
a couple of your employees
are feeding you a complete load of bull,
but you're scared to call them on it,
'cause if you do
they could actually get
in pretty serious trouble?
Well this seems very hypothetical.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- Yeah.
- It's not always black and white,
sometimes what's technically
the right thing to do
isn't what's best for the precinct.
- It's a tough one.
- Yeah.
And it's not like I can talk
to anyone on the staff about it.
No.
It's kinda lonely being the boss.
I know exactly how you're feeling.
Yeah, it seems like you do. Like, a lot.
[LAUGHS]
Wassup?
Remember? 'Cause your bird.
I remember.
Yeah. Anyway, I found Toby a home.
He's about to leave.
Do you guys wanna come say goodbye?
- [BOTH] Yeah, yeah.
- Totally.
Yes.
The family's a little sketchy
but I'm learning to let go.
Let the midnight special ♪
Shine the light on me ♪
Let the midnight special ♪
Shine the ever-loving light on me ♪
Go Amit.
Baby, block out your calendar
for the next seven minutes,
'cause there's a storm coming Ahhh!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
NARRATOR: The new comedy, "Animal Control"