Animaniacs (2020) s01e09 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Authority disdain-y ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
up-tempo instrumental music playing ♪
[♪♪♪]
["TURKEY IN THE STRAW" PLAYING]
DOT: Oop!
[MUSIC STOPS]
MAN: Alright! Let's take it from the top!
[♪♪♪]
["TURKEY IN THE STRAW" PLAYING]
WAKKO: Oh!
[MUSIC STOPS]
MAN: No, no, no! Again!
[ALL SIGH]
[♪♪♪]
[TRUMPET PLAYS WRONG MELODY]
WAKKO: Oh!
[MUSIC STOPS]
TRUMPETER: Sorry!
MAN: Once more!
Until we get it right.
[WAKKO GRUNTS]
- Excuse me, Buddy. It is Buddy, isn't it?
Is there any way to speed this up?
- Yeah! I've got lunch plans!
I plan to eat a whole Thanksgiving pizza.
Who said you three
could break the fourth wall
and ruin my creative process?
Who said waving your arms around
is considered a "creative process"?
[LAUGHTER]
[GIGGLING, GRUNTS]
CONDUCTOR: Hm!
You vulgarians have no
understanding of real music.
We play your pathetic
children songs all day,
but we are classically trained musicians,
capable of so much more!
We'll believe that when we hear it.
Very well!
[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]
[TAPPING]
[GRUNT]
[THUNDER CLAPS]
["IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]
Hey!
[GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
The chore wheel says
I only clean on Wednesdays!
Yeah! There are
child labor laws, you know?!
[YAKKO SCREAMING]
Sorry! I can't hear you
over the sound of my beautiful music!
[SCREAMING GOES SILENT]
[INAUDIBLE]
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE]
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[MUSIC'S TEMPO QUICKENS]
[WHOOSH]
[SHARP MUSICAL STINGS]
[POP]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[EXHALES]
Ah.
[TAPPING]
["DANCE OF THE COMEDIANS" PLAYING]
[WHIPPING RHYTHMICALLY]
[BOUNCING]
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYS NOTE LOUDLY]
- [CREAKING]
- [SMASH]
[SMASHING RHYTHMICALLY]
[CRASH]
[KISS]
[♪♪♪]
[BANG]
[♪♪♪]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[THUD]
["1812 OVERTURE" PLAYING]
[SQUEAKING]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[INAUDIBLE]
[BANG]
[BANGING RHYTHMICALLY]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANGING RHYTHMICALLY]
[♪♪♪]
[BLAST]
[FIREWORKS POPPING]
[APPLAUSE]
[♪♪♪]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE ENDS]
[TAPPING]
[♪♪♪]
["TURKEY IN THE STRAW" PLAYING]
No! Not a hillbilly!
No, please! Anything but the jug!
It's not even an instrument!
It's just recycling!
- [ZAP]
- [BLOWING]
[CRYING]
I guess folk music's
not really his forte.
[♪♪♪]
Welcome back to
"That's Not The Issue."
I'm your host, Tuck Buckerson.
[CLICK]
[JETS FLYING, EXPLOSION,
EAGLE SCREECH, FIREWORKS POPPING]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa!
That's the sugar honey iced tea, baby.
Okay, tonight's first issue?
Street gangs. If we can't beat 'em,
do we join 'em? Yakko Warner, thoughts.
- Well, Tucky, I--
- It's Tuck.
You saw what the jets said.
- I sure did, Tucky.
Listen, street gangs aren't the issue.
The issue is cyclists.
If you wanna cut down on pollution,
sell your bike and buy a car
because that's one less car
someone can buy to pollute the Earth.
So, the issue is climate change?
No, the issue is totally
insane solutions to pollution.
- Bucky.
- My name's not Bucky.
Bucky, your name isn't the issue here.
The issue is scientists.
Are they nerdy or are they cute?
Can they be both?
That's not the issue!
I'm tired of only getting
one meatball with
my "pisghetti" and meatballs!
More meatballs in "pisghetti"!
That's the issue!
- That's not the issue.
Tomatoes are the issue.
Are they a fruit, a vegetable,
or a deep state agent working for the CIA?
Deep state tomatoes, that's the issue.
None of those are the issue.
We're moving on. Gun lobby.
- Do they have a vending machine?
- What?
Do they have a vending machine
in the gun lobby?
More vending machines
in the lobby, that's the issue.
Mm, your thoughts, Tuckaroni?
My name is Tuck.
Not Tuckaroni, not Tucky,
not Bucky. Tuck.
- Boy,
you've got issues, Tuckster.
[HEART BEATING RAPIDLY]
That's the issue.
[JETS FLYING, EXPLOSION,
EAGLE SCREECH, FIREWORKS POPPING]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Y-you see? It's Tuck.
The jets said so, and jets don't lie.
Now, someone give me an issue.
- Let's talk about us.
- How did you get over here?
That's not the issue. The issue is
where are we spending Christmas?
I know you promised your
mother we'd go to her place,
but I was thinking Paris.
[GRUNTS]
Does anyone have a legitimate issue?
[GULP]
Here!
I got it in a hunting store. It's legit.
Not an issue of a magazine.
An issue. Like, a topic of discussion.
Uh, I'll bite. Like, rent control?
- Yes.
- Like small business subsidies?
- Yes!
- Like violence in children's television?
Yes! How do you feel about it?
ALL: Great!
[BANG]
How do you feel about it?
That's it! Show's over!
I'm Dump Truckerson, and I'm a giant baby
who wears ladybug diapers.
Wait, that's not the line!
[ANGRY GRUMBLING, SCREAMING]
- [KISS]
- [GROWLING]
No!
[JETS FLYING, EXPLOSION,
EAGLE SCREECH, FIREWORKS POPPING]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
ALL: Good night, everybucky!
[THUNDER CRACKS]
[♪♪♪]
Gee, Brain,
what do you wanna do tonight?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER CRACKS]
[PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEME PLAYING]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[SLAM]
[♪♪♪]
[MID-TEMPO INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
PINKY: Narf, Brain!
I never thought a small-town mouse like me
would make it to the Academy Awards!
The Rodeo Clown Awards maybe,
but certainly not the Oscars! Narf!
Yes, isn't it marvelous?
All I had to do was direct and produce
the most critically acclaimed
movie of the year.
Mr. Brain! Can you read my screenplay?
It's super original. It's about
a screenwriter in Los Angeles who--
Oh!
[TIRE SCREECH]
And what a movie it was!
I laughed, I cried,
I picked my nose
because no one was looking!
I'm sure you're going to win Best Picture!
Of course I will.
I'm going to make sure of it with this!
Once I'm announced the winner,
I will use my immobilization
ray from the stage
and kidnap the entire audience
of Hollywood elites!
[TIRE SCREECH]
Pinky, I'm famous now.
I can't possibly open this door by myself.
Now-- Pinky?
- [TIRE SCREECH]
- [GRUNTS]
What are you doing?
It's time for my Oscar debut!
[WHIRRING]
You're not going to the Oscars.
What in the Cartesian universe?
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
You! I mean me! I mean--
[MUFFLED YELLING]
- Quiet, Pinky!
- Quiet, Pinky. Hyah!
[TIRE SCREECH]
[GRUNTS]
- [ZAP]
- [MUFFLED YELLING]
This Best Picture plan is already doomed.
Come with me if you actually
want to take over the world.
- [BONK]
- [GROANING]
[GRUNTING]
[ZAP]
[ZAP]
[GRUNTING]
I demand that you untie
my friend immediately!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPITS]
Oh, don't worry about me, Brain!
It's like these ropes are giving
me a slightly chafing
big hug! Narf!
I assure you. Your concern is misplaced,
but I will do as you request.
There are important matters to discuss.
Can I get anybody anything?
Water? Coffee? Soda? Oh!
I'm testing out a new recipe for
a no-bake cheesecake I'd love you to try!
Cheesecake? Oh, that--
that sounds delightful.
I'm a bit peckish after my journey.
- Coming right up, new Brain.
I mean, older Brain.
Because you're old Brain, aren't you?
Oh boy, my brain hurts.
Am I Brain?
Journey from where? Who are you?
Don't you see, Brain?
I'm you from the future.
Ha! Why should I believe you
when you deliberately sabotaged me
in the moment just before
my greatest triumph?
Sabotaged you? I'm helping you.
I know the course of future events.
- Hey, be careful. That's a--
Self-steering elastomeric tennis ball
that you plan to use at Wimbledon
to kidnap the Royal Family.
You've been working on it for months,
but you'll never perfect it
because the battery is faulty.
That's impossible.
I installed it myself.
Yes, but Pinky chews the battery
every night because it, quote,
"tickles his teeth
like a tinfoil sandwich.
La, la, la."
PINKY: Egad!
Did somebody just say tinfoil sandwiches?
Just like mother used to make!
La, la, la!
Egad, it sure is strange
to see two Brains at once!
It's like looking in a mirror,
but not really
because I don't see me own reflection.
[GASPS]
Zoit, Brain!
Does that mean I'm a vampire?
Mm! Mm! Oh, delicious!
I haven't had cheesecake
in quite some time.
I switched to protein pellets years ago
for maximum efficiency.
Also, there's no food
in the future. Only dust.
[LOUD EATING]
Narf! Oh, slow down,
or you're going to eat the plate!
And trust me,
plates do not taste good! [LAUGHS]
Now, foam insulation on
the other hand? [KISS]
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Future Brain,
but if you're really from the future,
don't you already know that I'm not?
[CHUCKLES]
What I mean to say is
could I trouble you for more of your
delicious no-bake cheesecake?
Oh, of course!
I'll get you the recipe, too.
La la la la la la!
Ah! What are you doing?
I need to make sure he hasn't installed
any listening devices or neural implants.
- Who?
- Him!
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[COUGH]
Pinky? Perhaps you've discarded him
years ago and don't remember,
but he's simply a simple simpleton.
You don't know who Pinky truly is!
Pinky has betrayed me at every turn.
How else can you explain
our never-ending string of failures?
That's why I traveled back in time.
We must get rid of Pinky
before it's too late.
Voila!
Here's your cheesecake, Future Brain.
Mm! Don't you see?
He's pure evil.
PINKY: Say, Brain,
shouldn't we get back to the Oscars?
It's been five hours,
which means the ceremony
is almost halfway over.
- Yes.
[SLURPING]
Yes, you're right, Pinky.
I'm happy someone around here
has my best interests in mind.
- What are you implying?
- Pinky has been my loyal assistant for years.
In fact, the only one
delaying my plans is you!
But, I'm you!
I mean, me.
I mean, you know what I mean.
There's no time to waste!
Oh, I see how it is.
You're choosing a blithering idiot
over a version of you with a scar,
which we both know looks pretty cool,
and only gets infected sometimes.
Ugh. Foul.
Quickly, Pinky,
we must return to Hollywood at once!
[ZAPPING]
[BOTH GASP]
Brain! Brain!
Tell us about your portal!
Who's it by?
[ZAP]
Pinky, I must take
my place in the audience.
Do you have the decoy envelope ready?
- Got it!
Now, that's interesting.
You say "awn-velope,"
but I say "en-velope."
Now, do you say "oyster" or "ur-ster"?
I say get to work.
[PINKY LAUGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ow! My pinky! Hello.
Did somebody say my name?
My poor pinky. Yes?
There it goes again!
[SIGHS]
[CLICK]
Whoa
[LAUGHS]
There's a lot of people here.
And now, the nominees.
"Gun, Smash, Scream"
by Kathryn Bigelow.
[WHEEZING LAUGH]
"The Englishman's Wife Ghost,"
by Netflix Algorithm
UZ1165.
[BEEPING]
And finally, "A Beautiful Brain"
by the Brain.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
And the best picture goes to
[DRUM ROLL]
16 ounces of cream cheese
brought to room temperature and set aside,
two sleeves of graham crackers, crushed.
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
Oh dear! I'm so sorry, Brain!
I must've accidentally
put my cheesecake recipe
in that awn-velope-- en-velope-- Whatever.
Ah, here's the correct card.
[GRUNT, GROWLING]
I told you he would ruin your plan.
[PINKY GASPS]
Just like he spoiled all of mine.
Wait. Just give me a minute to think.
Don't do anything rash.
Yes, as I have no itch ointment.
BOTH: Quiet, Pinky.
- Eek!
- You see? We're the same, you and I.
Let me do this.
For me, your future--
[CHOMP]
Ow!
Blegh! Brain Phew!
You need a bath in the future.
[COUGHS] Stop it!
[GRUNTING, STRUGGLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Stop fighting or I'll shoot!
Easy, Pinky.
Give me the laser gun.
- No! Give it to me.
[GASPS]
Oh dear.
I know one of you is the real Brain.
[WHIMPERS]
Who do I shoot?
Well, shoot him, obviously.
We look completely different!
Yes. I have a huge, very cool scar.
Oh no! You even sound like him!
Pinky, just do something.
- [WHIMPERING]
- [BLASTING]
[ZAPPING]
[ZAP, SMASH]
[ZAP]
[BLASTING]
[BOTH SIGH]
Oh!
Ah! Ah! Let go!
[SCREAMING]
[ZAP]
Thank you for saving my life, Pinky.
Why, of course, Brain.
You're my best friend.
- And you
are Pinky.
Aw, that's sweet, Brain.
Boy, I hope Future Brain
is okay, wherever he is.
[♪♪♪]
- [DINOSAURS SCREECH]
- [YELLING]
[GROANING]
All that wretched cheesecake is
giving me the tummy rumbles.
Narf!
How do you feel about
taking over the world, fish friend?
[♪♪♪]
I shall call you Blinky.
[ZAP]
- [HISSING]
- [BEEP]
Pinky, I want you to know
that I've never questioned
how devoted you were.
Thanks, Brain. And I shall never ask
who you voted for, either.
You know what?
I will take your unthinking loyalty
over intellectual cynicism any day.
Well, how about yesterday? That's a day.
Oh, no wait. I'm busy.
What about tomorrow?
Yes, Pinky.
Let us prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, Brain?
What are we going to do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: CEO Michael Benton.
Silicon Valley venture capitalist,
egomaniac,
searching for everlasting life.
[BEEPING, CLICKING]
[WHIRRING, ZAPPING]
Then, a freak accident
transforms his biological makeup
[EXPLOSION]
turning him
into an angry gnome.
[SCREAMS]
The creature is driven by rage.
[SCREAMS]
And must now live in people's mouths
[GAG]
- Who do you think you are,
bullying somebody around?!
NARRATOR: And speak for them when
they cannot speak for themselves.
- [GAG]
- [SCREAMS]
You're just waiting around
for the clock to tick!
- [CAR ROARING]
- [DING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROWLS]
NARRATOR: He is "The Incredible Gnome
in People's Mouths."
[ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I had a great time tonight, Shaun.
Me, too, Marsha.
I think I'm in love with you.
Really?
I think I'm falling for you, too!
[SPLAT]
Are you kidding?!
You've known him for a week!
What happened to that guy with the moped?!
He was cool!
Um, wha-- what was that?
Oh, it's a gnome that's been
living in my mouth. [CHUCKLES]
I love that about you.
You're full of surprises, Marsha.
[GRUNTS]
So are you,
Mister "I forgot my wallet"!
[GULPS] Don't
Don't listen to him.
I love paying for all our dinners.
[GRUNTING]
Oh! You just love everything,
don't you?!
If you love him so much,
why don't you marry him?!
[GULP]
[♪♪♪]
And do you, Marsha,
take Shaun's hand in marriage?
I do!
If anyone knows of any
reasons why these two persons
should not be joined in holy matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
[RUMBLING, GRUNTING]
- [GASP]
- [CROWD SCREAMING]
Any reason?!
How about the fact that we just met?!
Do you even know what
her favorite dessert is?!
What color her eyes are?!
You don't, do you?!
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
No!
I wanna hear it from him
Uh blue?
Try hazel, chump!
Why don't you tell Marsha why
you're really here?!
- Uh
You're just marrying her
for her pinball machine collection!
[MUFFLED]
Is this true?
Of course it is!
He's got the callused fingertips
of a pinball freak!
[CRACKING]
[CROWD GASP]
And the callused heart of a con man!
I'm so sorry.
Okay, I-I have a problem.
Chump!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[♪♪♪]
You really saved me back there,
Gnome. Thank you.
No problem.
Where will you go now?
Wherever I'm needed!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]