Back to You (2007) s01e09 Episode Script

Back to you is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
and that's the reason the Nittany Lions are undefeated in the last four.
And that's it for sports.
So hang up the cleats, wring out your jog bra, and tell mother to put on the kettle.
Thank you, Marsh.
And finally tonight, we bid a fond farewell to our dear friend Larry Schultz, who's been our floor director here for the last 22 years.
Schwartz.
He's a cameraman.
my apologies.
That's Larry Schwartz and he's a cameraman.
We're certainly gonna miss seeing your smiling face here every day.
Every other day.
Well, that's it for us at - We'll see you at 10:00.
- Good night.
And we're clear! - That was embarrassing.
Say something nice to Larry.
- you're right, you're right.
Larry, i'm so sorry.
I just got mixed-up because I know you by your nickname.
You know I love you, Ass Crack.
come on.
Good luck.
Marsh, what was all that stuff about jog bras and kettles? I need a new sign-off, figured I'd just try one off the top of my head.
Okay, you can't just work these things out while you're on the air.
All right.
Anything else? - No, that's it.
- all right Then stick a sock on the doorknob, Daddy needs a hairbrush, don't kick the cat on your way out.
- Work for you? - not for much longer.
Hey, Gary, great interview with the senator.
- Oh, thanks, thanks.
- yeah, good job.
- You guys still going to Josie's for steaks? - yeah.
we're, you arn't.
I need you to go down to the convention center.
why? What's at? oh, no, no.
Not Anthrocon.
it's a big story Gary.
They get like, 2,000 people every year.
What's Anthrocon? It's an annual convention for people who like to wear animal costumes.
These are the people Trekkies beat up.
What is it, some sort of a kinky fetish thing? They claim it's not.
So, these people dress up like animals and then don't have sex with each other? That is so twisted.
What about tomorrow? I'll cover it tomorrow.
Can't I just have 24 hours to feel good about myself? Tonight is their big Furry Formal celebrating the tenth anniversary.
At 6:00, I interviewed a U.
S.
senator, and at 10:00 I'll be talking to middle-aged virgins dressed like gophers.
com/bbs=- Proudly Presents You Season 1 Episode 09 Sorry we're late.
I had to sign a bunch of autographs outside the studio.
I mean, they wait outside every day.
It's a bus stop.
Some of them looked pretty scared, the way you charged at them.
I think they thought you were Immigration.
Oh, my God, is that the new anchor from Channel Eight? Oh, yeah, Craig St.
Claire.
You know, we tried to get that guy.
I mean, what's he doing here? Besides looking incredibly hot? He can anchor me to the desk anytime.
What does that even mean? I don't know, but you got it.
I heard they're not picking up Tricia Tamaguchi's contract, so he's going to need a new co-anchor.
I'd like him to need my co-anchor.
- Again, what does that? - I'm not sure.
That right there is one handsome man.
He's actually pretty smooth on-air.
You know, I don't see it.
I mean, where is the gravitas? Can you imagine him saying, "The missiles have been launched.
god help us all"? I'll bet he hasn't even practiced it.
Have you seen his billboard? He isn't wearing a tie.
Oh, on Fridays he doesn't wear a tie on air.
That's his thing.
Well, maybe that's the way they dress at the discotheque, but in my day, a newsman would not go on air looking like that.
Now, take Walter Cronkite.
Walter Cronkite put on a tie to clean his gutters.
Walter Cronkite put on a tie to shop for ties.
Walter Cronkite wore two ties, in case one tie fell off.
- Walter Cronkite.
- Do we have to play "Walter Cronkite" every time we go out to dinner? Oh, my gosh, he's coming over.
Look at that.
His shoulders roll like a panther when he walks.
Hi, I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.
And you are? Oh.
Craig St.
Claire.
He knows who you are.
Hi, Kelly Carr.
- I think we actually met once before.
- Yes, we did, at the broadcast luncheon.
- oh yeah.
- God, who was that incredibly boring speaker that day? Oh, right, that was me.
hi, Montana Diaz Herrera.
I'm just having a salad.
- You're even prettier in person.
- oh, well, she's had a child.
hi, I'm Ryan Church.
- Oh, yeah, the news director.
- Oh yeah, you know me? absolutely.
I love some of the stuff you're doing over there.
those bumpers are super cool.
- really? You thought they were cool? - oh yeah.
You're not just trying to butter me up, are you? No, you've taken care of that yourself.
Anyway, look, I just want to say that I've seen your show and I think that you guys are just great.
- I mean, come on, Chuck Darling.
- I know.
- And Kelly, I am a huge fan.
- oh great, that's so sweet.
So, do you come here a lot? kinda, I'm still new to town, so I don't know a lot of places.
Well, if you need any recommendations, I grew up here.
i know where everything is.
- Oh, have you ever been to Monroe's? - where is that? It's on Liberty, right next to the deli.
There's a deli on Liberty? - Maybe I should show you around town.
- yeah, i know, huh? Listen, would you like to grab a drink with me later? - What? - yeah.
- I- I mean, unless you have plans.
- uh, no, no, that yeah.
yeah? Great, then I'll call you at the station later, we'll firm it up.
everyone, Nice meeting you, enjoy your dinner.
He asked you out.
That's so exciting.
I am so happy for you.
Can I get your order? I'll have a cheeseburger and a double bourbon.
I was first in my class at journalism school, and I just got my hand stamped by a goat.
I have no idea where to even start with this.
Let's just do it and go get a hamburger.
Sorry.
Excuse me, uh.
bunny? uh can we talk to you for a second? Channel nine news.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- great.
So, uh.
can I have your name? Uh, Fluffy.
All right, Fluffy.
And what do you do for a living? I am a dentist.
Well, then, there's no excuse for those teeth.
So let me ask you something.
When you head home from this thing, are you tied to the hood of the car? Mark that one a keeper.
Yeah.
At the risk of getting personal, do you and your wife ever do it "people style"? Like you have a wife.
Hey, relax, it's just for the gag reel.
Finally, The hare got here an hour ago.
Just pretend you have a splinter in your paw, and I'll pull it out.
it's gonna be hilarious.
no? I think that's funny.
I'm standing here with a wolf and a sheep.
Ordinarily, natural enemies, but here at Anthrocon, as you can see the only natural enemies are dignity and personal pride.
Thanks, guys.
Play nice now.
One, two.
Nailed it! I don't know why you guys are so down on Craig.
yeah, He seems so nice.
- Did you see his eyes? - I know, they were so blue.
I always wondered what "azure" meant.
I'll tell you what - I'll use it in a sentence.
We're all standing here azure turning gay.
what I meant to say was he seemed pretty insincere to me and never once looked me in the eye.
Yeah, there was definitely something weird about that guy.
What, because he asked me out instead of you? That and because he was so slick.
I mean, those eyes, those shoes, all that hair product.
What the hell was that? I think it was grape seed extract and mango.
Wait, mango, is that what it was? I'll use it in a sentence.
I'm watching a mango gay.
Yeah, that sounds great.
I Yeah, okay, so, I'll see you then.
Bye.
Was that your "date"? Well, I don't know if it's a "date" date.
Of course it's not a "date" date; that's why I said the word "date" that way.
I was hoping it was a stroke.
And, by the way, what makes you so sure it's not a date? Because he's young and you're o.
What? A Pittsburgh legend.
So I guess he couldn't possibly be interested in me just because he's a few years younger? Look, younger women go out with older men, but younger men do not go out with o legends.
- So, then why did he ask me out? - that's the riddle.
Let's review what we know.
I come back to town.
the ratings spike.
Johnny No-Tie sees this and starts to worry.
His co-anchor's contract is up for renewal.
And how do you do.
he's trying to poach you to cripple my show.
Oh, boy.
He's good.
- You are unbelievable.
- Thank you, it's really just connecting the dots.
I mean, everything's got to be about you, huh? Don't you think it's a remote possibility that he might be interested in me as a woman and he just wants to get to know me? Oh, Kelly.
No.
the hare got here an hour ago.
Where do they come from? that's crazy.
Oh, man, you scared me.
How's it going, fellas? What are you all doing down here? There's a free tick bath up in the lobby.
Oh! Okay.
Okay, what's going on, guys? We don't like your attitude.
Oh, you mean when we were on camera back there? That's just goofing off, you know? A lighthearted look at Anthroncon.
Could you all just hop back a step? I'm allergic to half of you.
You think this is funny? I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask which one of you said that.
I speak for all of us.
Again, the mouths and the beaks don't actually move.
Okay, Okay.
Before you do anything crazy.
er.
Stay.
stay.
Oh, my God! Oh, no! Heat up the cobbler, shake out your night shirt, the Monsignor's in the wood shed.
- Anything? - Get out.
- We have to talk.
- What? - Craig St.
Claire is trying to poach Kelly.
- oh, she's never going to leave us.
- Although, once she takes a swim in those eyes.
- oh, for god's sake.
You're a news director, not a cruise director.
Get a grip.
Everything we've built for the last seven and a half weeks is about to come crashing down all around us.
You've got to call this guy and tell him to back off.
All right, first, I'm the boss around here.
I give the orders.
Second, I can't call him so soon, I just saw him an hour ago.
We are under attack.
it's time to fight back, all right? Wouldn't it be better if we just talk to Kelly first, make sure she know how much she's appreciated around here.
Maybe send her a muffin basket, or a Be a man.
Craig St.
claire.
Hey, it's Ryan Church over at Channel Nine.
oh, hey, Ryan.
It was great bumping into you earlier tonight.
Yeah, you, too.
Really great.
I hope it's not the last time.
Craig? This is Chuck Darling here.
oh, Hey, Chuck.
Listen, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I know you and I know your game because I've been playing it a lot of years.
you asked Kelly out because you know I'm the top dog in town, you think you can take me down by breaking up my team.
Well, that ain't gonna fly, bro.
So back off, you got it? Well, Chuck, I hate to ruin a good story with the facts, but my co-anchor just renewed her contract.
And I asked Kelly out because I like her.
So maybe you're the one who should back off.
Bro - See ya, Ryan! - See you Craig! which means Nittany Lions are undefeated in the last four.
And that's it for sports.
So unwrap the yodels, somebody flip Grandma and Thanks, Marsh.
and uh, finally.
this next story might give you pause.
Literally.
Tonight, thousands of people dressed as animals gathered downtown, and they are joined by our own Gary Crezzucheski live.
Crezyzewski, Chuck.
Gary, it must be quite a zoo down there.
Good one, Chuck, but Anthrocon is nothing to joke about.
No, it's just good, clean, well-adjusted fun.
In fact, it's so much fun, I'm in danger of staying the whole weekend.
So I gather you've had a chance to chat with some of the kooky creatures.
Kooky? Don't.
No.
Her words.
No, these are popular, fun-loving folks who aren't hurting anyone.
Now, Gary, I understand you taped some interviews earlier with the cuddly conventioneers? You've been misinformed.
Everybody should come down here.
Call your parents, call your friends, call the police.
All right, great show, everybody.
have an awesome weekend.
Kelly, have fun on your date.
Yeah, have fun.
And look.
all those mean things I said before, that was.
that was my insecurity and my jealousy.
He's a gorgeous young guy with beautiful eyes, Cleft chin, mommy complex, and you should enjoy yourself You know, this is so silly.
I don't ever think it's a date.
Yeah, it is, Craig told us so.
- Didn't Chuck tell you? - Tell me what? That, uh oh! Hello? Yeah.
I have to take this.
That's your wallet.
It's an iWallet.
- What didn't you tell me? - well, i, i, It is a "date" date.
He "likes you" likes you.
And how do you know that? Well, I had occasion to speak with Craig.
What? When? Well, I was in Ryan's office, and, and he called him.
- Why did Ryan call him? - how do i know? he's the boss.
He can call whoever he wants to.
- What did you do? - oh, all right, I called him.
I just wanted to spare you the embarrassment of walking into a business thing thinking it was a romantic thing, which, as it turns out, it was.
So, you're welcome.
What is the matter with you? How is this even your business? Well, it was my business as long as I thought it was business.
you know what, I have put up with your insults, your stupid competitive stuff, your rampaging ego, all because I thought that somewhere underneath all that was a decent person.
Today is the first day I can't say that.
Let's just call that a draw.
Did you hear that? Couldn't hear a thing over Kelly screaming at you out there.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- oh, then yeah.
She was pretty out of line, huh? Take a knee, buddy.
You've been acting pretty crazy tonight.
Yeah, I don't know what it is about this kid.
He just seems so smug and arrogant.
so what? We've seen a million of these guys over the years.
It comes with the territory.
I seem to recall a young Chuck Darling waltzing in here, wouldn't wear a blazer patch, wouldn't give the thumbs-up at the end of the broadcast.
We didn't know what the hell was going on.
Yeah, I was trouble wasn't I? so what is it about this guy? Is it because he's young and brash, or is it because he's young and brash and going out with Kelly? Marsh.
Come on, we've had a lot of years together.
You can tell me if something's going on.
It's complicated.
All right.
My door is always open.
Thanks, Marsh.
Yep, put the chairs over the tables, set out the rat traps, and pinch the hostess.
I am out.
Hey, I hope I can remember that one.
I know you don't want to talk to me.
I acted like a jerk today and I'm sorry.
So.
shouldn't you be leaving? Well, not that it's any of your business, but I think I might postpone it.
Really? Why? Well, it's pretty late, just sort of want to go to bed.
- It's only 10:30.
- I know, - but I have to get up early tomorrow.
- tomorrow's Saturday.
- Gracie's got ballet at 11:00.
- Eleven's not that early.
- I need eight hours of sleep.
- so go to bed at 1:00, you get oh, my God, I don't want to go, okay? I mean, I just I haven't done this for a long time.
I'm really feeling rusty and single and weird, and it's going to be so awkward, you know? There's and then talking, and then silences, then I'm going to sweat.
I mean, what am I supposed to talk about with somebody that much younger than me? How we didn't have cell phones when I was his age? Kelly, you're acting crazy.
You're not that much older than he is.
You're the one that's been telling me that I am.
Yeah, well, sometimes i just have to be right, so i'll say whatever I have to with complete disregard for the other person's feelings.
that is pretty unlikable trait to be that aware of.
Yeah, so thank you.
I'm not going - you've put all this bad stuff in my head and you ruined everything.
Well, since when do you care this much about what I think? I don't care.
- Well, then, go on that date.
- you go on that date.
I would, except Ryan would scratch my eyes out.
Kelly, you have nothing to worry about.
You're smart, you're beautiful and you're funny.
You happen to be a bit of a catch, Kelly Carr.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Okay.
- Oh, no.
- what, you're late? No, I have my mother's hands.
All right, well, if I'm going to do this, I should just go.
Better get there before he tries to cut his meat by himself.
Listen.
- You have a great time.
- yeah.
Thank you.
- Move it, chicken.
- I'm going! Look, this guy is dangerous and he needs to be stopped.
That's why we're here, sir.
Okay, let's just get started.
Jenkins.
He was a cross between a beagle and some kind of spaniel.
Floppy ears.
Floppier.
He wore a little derby, kind of off to the side.
No, more more askew.
His eyes weren't like that.
They were cuter than that.
Cuter.
Cuter.