Backstrom (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

Come on.
Okay.
What is all this crap? Outgoing inventory.
Here.
Helpful hint manscaping.
Oh.
I know, right? Beyond reproach.
I call it a "boyzilian.
" You are not ready for that.
Baby steps.
Behold, the Inescapable Truth onstage three weeks ago.
May I have your attention, please? I have a very important question.
It's about penises.
Yeah, I think that can wait.
We have an urgent missing-musician case.
Missing musicians? They're never urgent.
Ugh, sounds like noise to me.
I hate music.
Amusia, possibly due to damage to the frontal lobe when your father smacked you on the head with his gun.
I'd like to smack you in the head with a gun.
Sebastian Serafian, age 26, vanished from court-mandated rehab.
This comes straight from the chief.
This comes from the chief.
Almond, you know what that means.
- What? - Politics.
Yeah, politics.
Oh, God, look at him.
Bunch of failed baristas staring at their navels and sticking their parents with the bill.
Aw.
Musicians are adorable.
They deserve special artist freedoms.
Your attitude disgusts me.
No special dispensation for artists.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do today, kids.
We're gonna find this politically connected noisemaker.
We're gonna slam him back into rehab, where he belongs.
You and me, we're gonna take the rehab.
Niedermayer, you and Almond talk to that band, find out who's hiding him.
Okay, this is where we hold group therapy.
The place is court-mandated? Where's the puke-green walls and the violent orderlies? You know, the hostility you've displayed over the past 10 minutes suggests that you're conflicted with yourself over addiction issues.
Lieutenant Backstrom is conflicted - with everyone about everything.
- Mm-hmm.
What can you tell us about Sebastian Serafian? I'm uncomfortable even confirming that Sebastian was a guest here.
We guarantee discretion.
Did he have any visitors? Again, I must put the right to privacy - of our guests before - Just put your finger on your nose if any of his bandmates smuggled in drugs.
Okay, fella.
So, what's your poison? Hmm? Drugs, alcohol? - Keep going? - Yeah.
Oh, you're an "all of the above" man.
Well, Mr.
"all of the above," try closing your mouth and opening your heart.
Try opening your mouth and closing your eyes.
Excuse me? Without confirming that Sebastian was ever a patient here, can you tell us exactly what time he went missing? Yeah, I can do that.
That's Sebastian Serafian.
Did he leave a data trail? No.
Guests forgo all phone and computer privileges.
Yeah? How do the guests keep in touch with their dealers and their bookies? Addiction is not a joke.
It is a disease.
You know what's a disease? Anthrax.
You know what's fun? Drugs and alcohol.
You don't believe me, look at him jumping over that wall.
You're a fraud.
This place is bogus.
When I catch him, he's not coming back to this shangri-la.
No, he's going to jail, where he can get some real help.
The whole band operates as a creative commune.
Most of them live right here, where they practice.
Hey, Special Crimes Unit! That means stop playing.
Thank you.
Uh, we are looking for Sebastian Serafian.
He's not here.
You mind? Does anybody know his whereabouts? Yeah, he's in rehab.
- Wrong.
- What? Sebastian left rehab? He's gonna die if he doesn't get off drugs.
We can all see it coming.
I have total faith in Sebastian.
Maybe it's best if you help us find him.
Mind if we look around? Sebastian's not here.
Total waste of time.
Lara's not the only one that wants Sebastian to live.
Sebastian wrote the music and words, and he was the front man of the band.
Would it be fair to say that he was the leader of the band? - We don't have a leader.
- We're an artistic collective.
Ah.
Thus the spirit-guide heads.
It's an ironic comment on the ego.
Anyone that wants to let the cops look around, raise your hand.
- It's unanimous.
- Thank you.
If I escaped rehab on foot, I head to the nearest place I can get blasted out of my junkie skull.
Well, this is the nearest bar.
Sebastian Serafian do you recognize him? Never saw him in my life.
You didn't even look.
Are there any cameras in here? You see any cameras in here? Ms.
McMurray, are you the owner of this establishment? Me, an ex-husband, and the bank.
Gravely, go see if he's in the bathroom.
He might be shooting up.
Your hostility suggests you're in conflict with yourself over addiction issues.
No, I am not.
Addiction is what keeps this place afloat.
Yeah, and the rehab up the street.
I guess you guys keep each other afloat swapping customers.
Your daughter asked the wrong question.
You want to try? Are there cameras on the outside of this place? Okay.
Why have a camera outside of the bar? So cops can't see what goes on inside the bar.
And to make sure all the really bad stuff happens outside.
Where it's not your fault.
- That your boy? - That's him.
And that's her license-plate number.
Let's track down the junkie messiah, throw him in jail, and come back and enjoy a couple of cold ones.
Excuse me.
S01E09 Inescapable Truth Is this your van? Yeah, that's my van.
It used to be, anyway.
A few weeks ago, I donated it to one of my patients.
My client is a well-respected orthopedist.
What is the name of your patient, Dr.
Kobrine? Sebastian Serafian, a local musician.
Had three broken metacarpals in his right hand.
Your patient is an escaped junkie, and you brought your lawyer with you.
What's wrong with this picture? Anyone called in for a police interview should be represented.
Especially if they're guilty of something.
You're gonna love this.
Apparently, the good doctor's under investigation as Portland's biggest pill pusher.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, nice to see you, too, detective.
This is Assistant District Attorney Steve Kines.
I hate him.
- Love affair gone bad? - No.
My theory is our missing musician is a material witness in your case against the doctor.
Rehab was a last-ditch effort to get him clean before propping him up in front of a grand jury.
Great.
We understand one another.
What if the doctor killed him? He didn't.
Surveillance? And wiretapped and bugged, so we know he didn't hire someone to kill Sebastian Serafian.
So will you please quit wasting time with my target, let him go, and find my missing witness.
Tell me you hate him, too.
I hate everybody.
Our apologies.
We were meeting with the prosecutor, who said you killed Sebastian Serafian because he was the prime witness against you in a narcotics case.
We're out of here, Alan.
You've cooperated enough.
Good luck finding Sebastian.
He's very talented.
That would be awesome if we could get him for murder before Kines gets him for trafficking.
Ooh! Yeah, because everything we do is to get revenge on your ex-boyfriends.
This sucks.
Why are we listening to this hooey? We're analyzing Sebastian's songs through the filter of forensic linguistics.
"Black water, black chains.
Black visions runs through my veins.
" See, this song in particular, "black stone," could be about suicide or surrendering to a greater power that he doesn't trust.
And this song might give us insight into his definition of a sanctuary.
Can I ask you something? Yes, forensic linguistics is a real thing.
No, no.
Penises.
Are they more like snowflakes or buttons? You mean unique versus mass-produced? - You've seen lots of them.
- You mean in autopsies? Yeah, sure.
That's that's how I mean it.
All right, well, perhaps if you provide context.
Valentine's penis looks exactly like mine.
- Your noses are also identical.
- What? Which led me to assume that Valentine was your son.
- Get out of here.
- Is it not a physical possibility? Sir, you're doing the math in your head, which means that you have, in fact, had sex with Valentine's mother.
Math in my head makes him not my kid by about two years.
Well, but your noses indicate otherwise.
Sir, not only does cigar smoking cause malignancies in the larynx and esophagus, but it also can contribute to pancreatic cancers.
The van turned east out of the roadhouse parking lot.
Right.
Well, there's nothing there.
I mean, it's the rehab and a million miles of logging roads.
Is there anything in those lyrics about a sanctuary out in the middle of nowhere? Hey, Nadia, would you pull up a map of the area east of the roadhouse? Yeah.
So, this is a satellite view of the area.
Oh, wow.
That was fast.
Uh, okay.
In one of Sebastian's songs, he refers to a place called black stone.
Now, I-it could be the name of a mountain, uh, or a river.
Quarry.
Blackstone quarry.
Now filled with black water.
Have you guys noticed that the victim's van is a mirror of the Special Crimes Unit? No, no.
What do you mean, "mirror"? We have a definite leader with an addictive personality.
Oh, shut up, Niedermayer.
Okay, think of his spirit guide.
It's a mountain lion, right? Top of the food chain, king of all he surveys.
You're on to something with that "king" stuff.
All right, look at this.
The bassist and the drummer are Detectives Gravely and Almond respectively.
Oh, yeah, so it's the rhythm section that's keeping the beat and driving everything forward.
Yeah, you got it.
All right, so, lookit.
Almond's spirit animal is the mountain ram farseeing, surefooted.
And, of course, Gravely is the bear.
Stinks of raw fish? Brave but nurturing.
Okay, w-what about the hot raccoon with the cello? Paquet.
She's charming, intelligent, mischievous.
She's an enigmatic bandit who will steal your heart.
There's nothing here.
And I was hoping that we'd find Sebastian out here getting high in a tent with a groupie.
Yeah, that's a nice thought.
Niedermayer is such an imbecile, dragging us out here over some stupid song.
Lieutenant A vehicle was parked here.
I have an oil stain.
And a drop pattern leading toward these tire marks.
You think the van went over here? Is that our musician? Sebastian Serafian, in the flesh.
It could be suicide, except what happened to whoever brought him all the way out here? It's not suicide.
Note the amplifier jammed against the gas pedal.
You know, you've got to hand it to Backstrom Actually, if I may, it was solid forensic linguistics and logic that Hey, guys? Oops! Sorry.
Now that you're awake, feel like helping me? I'm a cop.
I can't help you transport stolen goods.
I got to ship all this stuff to Seattle.
If the guy who, let's say, deals in discount electronics finds out I'm underselling him, you'll be investigating my murder.
Hey, hey.
What? Did you talk to your mom recently? No.
Ever since Lou became a nun, we don't talk much.
She didn't become a nun.
She ever tell you anything about your father? My mother was a hooker.
I doubt she'd ever be able to finger the guilty party.
- So to speak.
- All she ever said was that my father was a client and some kind of genius.
Oh.
Oh, and, uh and a total dick.
So, at least I know where I got my genius.
And your nose.
And your penis.
Prelim tox screens show alcohol, THC, oxycodone, and heroin.
Also, he was garroted to the point where he lost consciousness.
His head hit the steering wheel when the van hit the water.
But still, he died of drowning.
Junkies are hard to kill.
Garroted how? Some sort of string, possibly piano, perhaps guitar.
Look for lacerations on the hands.
Did you find the garrote? Yeah, there were a ton of strings in the back of the van, but none bloody, as expected.
So perhaps the killer took it with him, or it got washed clean in the quarry.
Got drugged, strangled from behind by someone who he thought was his friend, and then dumped in a rock quarry.
I mean, it's a wonder we found him.
It's a Backstrom we found him.
Listen, I don't want to toot my own horn The van had dozens of parking tickets going back eight weeks outside places the band played.
Well, look, the the whole band had access to the van.
Oh, that's not so bad.
What is that, a dozen people? - Oh, dear.
- The Inescapable Truth, along with spin-cycle bands and side projects.
That's a lot of people.
This guy left to form moo shoo wharf.
Then he teamed up with this guy and this guy to form cash-bar wedding as a side project.
And then these four guys, they make recordings as, uh, the days of wine and neurosis.
But these guys actually also produce, uh, the Inescapable Truth cassette-only release.
Oh, and sometimes all these 13, they play shows together as holy meat parade.
Oh, and, uh, the bass player of holy meat is actually the singer of phantom Thomas Paine.
While the horn player Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How many people in total have access to this van? Bet it was the guy who plays the stupid flugelhorn.
Oh, the flugelhorn player he moved to Brooklyn two months ago with All right, then it was the guy who played the stupid accordion.
Coyote Man! That's me.
Matt English.
Why him? Accordion player evil, angry, bitter, and pointless, resentful of real musicians.
Okay, not actually sure that that is a motive, but that's - Oh.
- What "oh"? Well, Matt English is actually the guy that broke Sebastian's hand six months ago and was kicked out of the band.
Accordion players, people.
Satan's squeeze-box.
Tell us about the altercation.
Sebastian broke his own hand by punching me in the head when he was high.
It served him right he broke his hand.
- Why did he punch you? - I quit his band.
You weren't kicked out? You think I killed Sebastian for kicking me out of the Inescapable Truth? No.
I quit because Lara fell in love with him and broke my heart.
Lara Hausberg, the cello player? Yeah, now I'm a suspect because my girlfriend left me.
It's what we call a classic motive, son.
This is my daughter, Delilah.
The only thing that Delilah finds cool about me is that I was in Sebastian's band.
Five days ago, Sebastian asked me to come back.
Why would I ruin that by killing him? Five days ago? Asked you how? On the telephone.
Well, there are no phone calls allowed in rehab.
One of you gave Sebastian unauthorized access to the office phone.
We have phone records, people.
Someone was helping him make contact with the outside world, someone with a set of office keys.
Okay.
Everyone that works here cares very deeply about our sacred mission and our rules, so Sebastian must have found another way into the office.
What's this hooey? Those are handwritten healing milestones of past seasons' residents.
It's a it's a sacred repository of our good work going back like 14 years.
Ah, interesting.
Ah! It's him, the leaning tower of "I don't care.
" He doesn't give a rat's ass about your sacred repository.
I didn't kill Sebastian Serafian.
Okay, okay, so you let him into the office, and you stood watch at the door.
You listened to his conversations.
What did he say? One guy wanted to come back in the band.
All the other calls, Sebastian was begging people to help him escape.
To go get high? I'm pretty sure.
You ever see who picked him up? Once.
A girl.
- Her? - Mm No.
- Her? - No.
Yeah.
That's her.
Oh, the bear.
That's you, Detective Gravely.
Let's go pick up the bear.
You're grinding your teeth, Everett.
It's a sign of anxiety.
Yeah, well, your son is still queer, if that's what you wanted to ask.
Father hall says God loves homosexuals but abhors sodomy.
Yeah, well, Valentine loves sodomy.
Aah! He's not gonna change, Lou.
God forgave me for my former sexual depravities.
He'll forgive Val, too, if he asks for forgiveness.
I want to thank God for your former sexual depravities.
You were such a sweet kid.
Hm.
standing there with your wadded cash.
Oh, we had such a good time, you and me.
We sure did.
You know, I saw Valentine's twig and berries the other day.
It was like looking in a mirror.
Take it from an ex-hooker.
Penises are like roosters.
They all look alike when they aren't crowing.
What about noses? What do you want to ask me? When Valentine needed a place to stay and a job, you brought him to me, even though you hadn't seen me in years.
Because I knew you'd do me a favor.
So it wasn't because I was his father? I wish you were Val's father.
But do the math.
I know.
I've done the math.
All those times I drunk-dialed you, we never did anything? You're not Val's father.
You're a good friend who did me a favor that I can never repay.
So you didn't pick up Sebastian on the day he disappeared? No.
But you did other times? Why did you lie about that? If the others knew, they'd freak out.
- Because of Lara? - Yeah.
Lara.
Plus, if the others knew Sebastian and I were writing songs together What do you think? I think Sebastian used her to get drugs.
- Mindi figured it out and kills him? - Mm.
Searching the band space didn't come up with anything - we could hold her on, did it? - Found some weed and these.
Oxycodone.
Dr.
Kobrine's specialty.
Mm.
Found it in a common area, so no good for leverage.
Well, I'll hold her on lying during a homicide investigation.
There is one more Avenue we can explore.
You say that like it's a bad avenue.
The lieutenant can try his double-feint bolo.
What's that, now? A double-feint bolo? What the hell's that? You call yourself a prosecutor? Two crooks, different offenses.
We get them to implicate each other.
Sounds crazy.
Your material witness is dead.
Your case is dead.
Mr.
Kines, what have you got to lose? Our lieutenant invented the double-feint bolo.
Backstrom that bag of disaster? Please.
He'll blow my case and yours.
Cut a brother a break and walk away.
- A brother? - Uh One year ago, you shut down a whole operation, and you blamed it on me, so don't talk to me about cutting a brother a break.
Oh.
You're that guy.
Yeah.
Kobrine is on the back nine at the oregonian country club.
What you do with that information is your business.
Coming through.
Move it or lose it.
There he is.
Kobrine, we need to talk.
Not without my lawyer.
The second you call your lawyer, we are going to offer the buyer of these drugs a deal in which we drop possession charges in exchange for identifying you as his seller.
What buyer? Sebastian? He's dead! Why do you want a name? So that you can drop another customer in the quarry? I had nothing to do with Sebastian's death! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was police endangerment.
Gravely, drive the cart back.
I need to talk to Kobrine alone.
Hm.
Someone bought these from you.
We don't know who.
You need to tell us.
Why would I incriminate myself? Sebastian was killed by someone he thought was a friend.
That friend bought these from you to give to him.
That's who we want.
I hope you get him.
Sebastian was a major talent.
Okay.
See what I'm doing right now? That is highly illegal.
Look at me.
I'm breaking the law.
Whee! So, what were to happen if I were to make this bag disappear, huh, eat all these pills? You'd have no way to link me.
Exactly.
Aah Oh.
But you want a name first.
I don't even need a name, just an indication.
It won't even hold up in court.
What if I refuse? Then I'm gonna tell District Attorney Kines, who hates you, that you sold these to me.
That would be perjury and blackmail.
Yeah.
Yeah, it would.
Why do you think I sent my partner away? I know an addict when I see one.
You sent your partner away so you can swallow these pills.
You should get help.
Ah.
Kobrine sold the pills to the drummer.
He admitted that? He did this.
Stand back.
Coming through.
Here.
Go arrest the drummer.
Some of these pills are missing.
Yeah, yeah.
We have a sworn statement from Dr.
Alan Kobrine implicating you in the sale of this oxycodone.
I don't do drugs.
What are we hoping for here? If this boy admits to buying drugs from Kobrine, you will have your new material witness.
Dr.
Kobrine said you bought a hundred pills at $1 per milligram.
Duly sworn statement.
Dr.
Kobrine.
I don't do drugs.
Take my blood.
And take my urine and my bone marrow, and then do the same with Mindi, and then see who uses drugs.
All drummers do drugs.
How else can they make it look like their arms and their legs belong to different people? Is Backstrom drunk? I promise you He is not drunk.
I'm you.
I don't do drugs.
I'm reformed.
Who am I again? Him.
You're him.
I'm Mindi.
Now I'm Mindi.
I'm Mindi.
I think that Sebastian wants me to write songs with him.
But, no, he just wants me to bring him drugs into rehab.
Mindi? That's got nothing to do with me.
I'm Mindi.
The drugs I gave Sebastian I got from you.
What? He's pretending to be Mindi selling you drugs.
I don't do drugs.
I don't do drugs.
Seems like he might be on drugs.
The lieutenant likes to pretend he's a lot of things To get the answers he needs.
Mm-hmm.
I'm you.
I pick up Sebastian in my van and I drive him to the quarry where I kill him, 'cause I don't want him to tell me me, the cops that I you am her Mindi's drug supplier, supplier of drugs.
No way in the world the jury follows that.
I picked him up in the van? I can't even drive.
I can't drive, or I won't drive? I can't drive.
Or I won't drive? I can't drive! I have a driving phobia! Okay.
I can't get behind the wheel! I-I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm dying.
To even get the pills from Dr.
Kobrine, I had to take the bus.
What did he just say? What he just said is we do not have our murderer.
He just named Kobrine.
I got my material witness.
High five.
Yeah, okay.
Is that what you call a single-feint bolo? Lieutenant? I just got a call from one of my buddies on patrol.
Gregory Valentine got beat up pretty bad.
Nobody's making a statement, but it's obvious that the boys got a jump on Valentine.
He fought back, but The guy he got a piece of was Dante Trippi.
Give the lieutenant a minute, please.
What happened? What I said.
I got schooled.
I got caught poaching on Trippi's turf.
Worst part is I fought back.
I kicked Dante Trippi in the jaw and busted it, made him bite through his tongue.
So I guess I have to change my name and move to Canada now, huh? I'm a dead man.
It's not even gonna be nice Canada, you know, like Vancouver.
It's gonna be probably some hellhole that Justin Bieber crawled out of.
I'm crying out of shock, not 'cause I'm a wimp, okay? I need a moment.
I know who you are, Mr.
Trippi.
I know you're kind of a big deal on the streets.
You may not know who I am.
My name is Lieutenant Everett Backstrom.
Gregory Valentine, the kid you beat up he's family.
Anything happens to him, you're dead.
I know you have people.
I have people, too! Do you understand every word I've just said?! Yeah.
You're not usually that brave, no offense.
I'm coming down off oxycodone.
Which is why, when it comes to drugs, I always say just say no.
I heard you say Valentine was family.
You've been wondering if maybe he's your son? I got a son Darius, He lives up with his mom in Wenatchee.
I'd kill for him.
Darius is the main reason I want to be out of uniform and in the plainclothes, to let him know that Motos got what it takes to succeed, prove to him that he can be proud of his daddy.
Valentine is my roommate.
That's it.
Stop talking to me.
Yes, sir, but if he's not your son, you got to cut him loose.
Why? Valentine's a crook.
He dragged you in this mess with Dante Trippi.
Now, if he's family, that's one thing, but if he's not, then you're giving this boy a false sense of security that's going to kill him or ruin you, whichever one comes first.
It's better for everybody if you cut him loose.
Maybe the murder was a group effort.
Recheck everybody's alibis.
Especially where one band member is another band member's alibi.
Why? How's Valentine? He got what he deserved.
Why are you rechecking alibis? Because as it turns out, everyone in the band hated Sebastian.
Only Lara Hausberg was personally sorry that he's gone.
What's this? Oh, that's just Niedermayer's little game, not to be taken serious.
No, this is good.
Everyone in the band hated Sebastian, just like all of you hate me.
- I like you, sir.
- Shut up, Niedermayer.
Yeah, Niedermayer's stupid little experiment just might be the answer.
One of you killed me.
Which one? Get the band together.
Let's go.
We all go? No one is above suspicion, Paquet.
None of you liked Sebastian Serafian, but you all needed him.
I'm you.
I'm the glue that holds the band together while Sebastian pulls everything apart.
I'd never call myself glue.
I'm you.
I love Sebastian.
That didn't stop me from being jealous that his raw talent trumps my brains.
To be clear, "no" on the love, "maybe" on the jealousy.
I'm you.
I just can't understand why Sebastian can't do his work without being so awful to everybody.
I'm totally on board with that.
I'm you.
I resent Sebastian.
I'm gonna suck up to him in order to impress my kid.
Nothing wrong with wanting to be something to your kid.
Anyone who thinks we need a lawyer, - raise your hand.
- Yeah.
Amendment to the forgoing, who thinks we should say nothing until we have that lawyer? - Yeah.
Definitely.
- Niedermayer How much do eagles hate being bossed around by mountain lions? Eagles are visionary creators.
Everybody knows I liked Sebastian.
I told him.
I told everyone.
What? I'm you.
I'm a visionary.
I'm a creator.
But with Sebastian out of the way, I'm next in line to be the leader.
We don't have a leader.
We're a collective.
I'm you.
I'm not as tall as Sebastian or as charismatic.
You must really resent me.
But I know what to do when he calls.
I drive him up to the quarry.
I ply him with the drugs he loves more than anything else.
Somehow, he stays conscious.
So I use a guitar string to choke him.
When he's unconscious, I dump him in the quarry.
Do you have pictures to go along with that story? Lieutenant.
What? Lacerations on the killer's hands.
Show him show him your hands, Drew.
- Show him your hands! - No.
- Show him your hands.
- It's a collective.
Show him your hands, Drew! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Back up, back up! Relax.
Let's go.
Hey, that, uh, witness you gave me turned on Kobrine.
Can I say thanks, buy you a drink? Not in a million years.
- You're mad at the wrong guy.
- I was undercover as a call girl.
I busted 24 Johns.
On the 25th John, the cameras went dark, and the microphones went off, and you blamed me.
That's not true.
Okay, well, then, who was it? Who was it who realized that we had a fish in our net that we didn't want? Who really pulled the plug? - Not me.
- You know, if it wasn't you, then you stayed quiet and let the rumor spread.
and you let me take the blame.
That part is true, but maybe I stopped something worse from happening.
You should have a drink with me sometime.
I deserve it.
Honey, I'm home.
Doctor says that you're gonna have to wait on me hand and foot unti What the hell? Hi, Val.
My name is Gregory Valentine.
What is happening? Your mother's here to take you home.
You're kicking me out? Really? Hey, if this is about what happened with you and Trippi, I didn't ask you to go medieval on him.
No.
You're a crook, I'm a cop.
You're gay, I'm straight.
- It's not gonna work.
- Yeah, right.
That's funny, 'cause it worked for seven years.
Everett's kicking you out because he's disappointed that you're not his son.
Disappointed? No.
Come on.
I'm ecstatic.
- You thought I was your son? - No well, - your penis.
- What? You can come live with me until you find a place.
No, no.
I wouldn't do that to you.
What would your priest say about a sodomite moving in with you? Who cares what he says? All our problems are because I hate that you're a thief.
That's right.
I am.
And everything nice in this place is stolen, so I goes, it goes, including your precious chair! - I'll buy the chair off you.
- You can't afford that chair.
I can't afford the chair? No.
With what, your hooker and cigar money? - I can't afford a $300 - You have no idea! Hey! You're brothers.
Half brothers.
Um, I'm assuming Same father, different mother.
Everett and I are practically the same age.
- Really? - You had sex with my father.
You had sex with my mother.
She was really hot.
- She still is.
- Shut up.
This is really weird.
Ah Okay.
My dad hates me, and I'm a straight cop.
Imagine how he's gonna feel about you gay goth crime wizard.
There's no reason for Val to Gregory to have Blue in his life.
You're serious? Backstrom's my brother? I will tell you one thing this does explain why you have never been sexually attracted to me.
Genetics.
Yes.
That explains it.
That must be it.
Mystery of the ages solved.
You've always been good for each other.
Now you know why.
Well, you can stay here until you find someplace permanent, I guess.
Hey, uh, I don't have to pay rent now, you know, that we're brothers, right? Half brothers.
Half brothers, half the rent.
Okay.