Ballers (2015) s01e09 Episode Script
Head-On
Ah! I know what the problem is.
None of the players are black.
Whatever, Reg.
Come on, man.
That's my Lionel Messi move right there.
Watch again.
Graceful.
I might be playing the wrong sport, y'all.
- Happy days.
Happy days, fellas.
- Vince! Angela's got her money and we have all the pictures back on file, everything.
We can finally move on to bigger and better things.
- For real, man.
Thanks, Spencer.
- Come on.
So everything is cool? Everything is now everything.
Okay, everything's everything.
So, what, you gonna swipe my catchphrase now? Is that it? Man, chill, Reggie.
I'm just saying we don't have to be slobbering all over the man.
You come here trotting on your high horse like you saved the day.
Let's not forget all this shit was Spencer's fault in the first place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just came to deliver good news.
That's what we wanted to do.
Well, next time a fucking phone call will do.
Wow.
Well, you're lucky I didn't call Vernon and tell him about your little joy ride you took with Angie the other night.
- Joy ride? - He's tripping.
I wish I was tripping.
She gave me the entire rundown last night.
Every gag-inducing detail.
Man, what the fuck you do now, Reggie? Nothing.
I took her home just like you asked me to.
And we were bonding over what an asshole Spencer is.
But I wasn't the fucking asshole who disrespected her and made her take the bus home.
- You did what? - She jumped out the car.
Because you pulled your pecker out at the stoplight.
Listen, man, we was getting along.
I thought she wanted to fuck.
So that's your move? Pull out your dick? What's the big deal? What's the big deal? You offered to pay her.
Everyone got the right to get paid.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Reggie? Reg, hey, you treated her like a piece of meat.
- Angie didn't deserve that.
- I thought she was a ho.
That shit ain't right, Reg.
Ange, she cool.
She ain't even a ho like that.
That's discriminatory.
My cousin Felicia, cooler than a mother.
But she an enormous ho.
I mean, suck your dick through your jeans.
What? Felicia ain't cool at all.
I didn't say nothing 'cause I thought nothing of it.
Exactly, that's the problem.
You don't think about shit.
You don't consider the consequences and you have no respect.
Man, you said I could trust you, Reg.
- You didn't do what I asked.
- Wait, wait.
And you disrespected a woman.
Man, just get up out of my face right now.
- What are you talking about? - I ain't got shit to say to you right now, Reggie.
Bounce.
Oh, wow.
Uh you know what? Fuck fuck all y'all.
You don't appreciate me, you don't deserve me.
Nate.
Awkward transition, but I spoke to Dallas.
I told them that we cleared this mess up.
They're gonna send over an offer today.
Vernon, buddy, it's time-sensitive.
Not now, y'all.
Look, I got to drive this shit off.
Hopefully there ain't no jizz on my seats.
Mr.
Anderson.
Good, good, hoped to catch you.
I better not miss my tee time.
- No, I just need a minute.
- 60 seconds, go.
Ahem.
I just want to let you know I don't think the whole boat mess was a joke.
Party got insane, yeah, but we never lost focus of what we were there to do and we accomplished our goal.
Yeah, you used my bling to get laid.
I didn't get laid.
Yet another colossal failure on your part.
- Thank you, Lanaia.
- You're welcome.
Failure? This whole sports division was my idea.
At least give me credit for that.
It was a pretty good idea.
And I brought Spencer in when you didn't want him.
- He's exceeded my expectations.
- Mine, too.
Mr.
Anderson, Spencer and I are a team.
If you like his work, you like mine.
But he's Spencer Strasmore and you're You're just Joe Krutel.
Gold medalist in being a pain in my butt.
I feel like I put something to rest, you know? Gained some clarity.
After I passed the CT exam, it's like new doors have been opening.
- That's great, Spencer.
- Yeah.
I double-checked your results and nothing's changed.
- It's all clear.
- Ah, good.
I just wanted to be absolutely sure.
Kind of pulled an Usain Bolt out of here last time.
I believe the starting gun was my suggesting that you see a psychologist.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was just really excited to get the good news.
I couldn't wait to shout it to the world.
- Mm, but now you're back.
- Yeah.
Follow-up never killed anybody.
You still having the nightmares? Flashbacks.
I drilled a guy and knocked him out of the game.
Suffer any permanent damage? - Me or him? - Him, Spencer.
He never played again.
I see.
Was it a clean hit? Well, depends on who you ask.
No flags on the play, though.
But now I keep seeing his commercials all over TV.
Dan's Auto Collision.
It's fucking weird.
Dan Balsamo.
I love those commercials.
Look, just nut up and go see the guy already.
Doc, you watch your language.
I'm happy to help, Spencer, but this isn't what I do.
You need to go talk to a psychologist.
Why? I don't need a psychologist.
I'm talking to you.
Bye, Spencer.
Hi, Dan's Auto Collision.
This is Kerri.
Hi, yeah, I'm calling about an accident I just had.
I need some help.
Sure, where can we find you? I'm at the medical park on the corner of Biscayne and 74th in a white Range Rover.
Pretty bad shape.
You can't miss it.
Oh, and by the way, if you could send Dan He's an old friend.
Okay, I'll send him right away.
All right.
Great.
Thank you.
I'll see you soon.
Man, I think you need to call somebody.
Yep, already did.
This better be important, man.
Julie would kill me if she find out I was back over here.
Relax, all right? Me and the boys cooked up something special for you.
Or this guy did.
A little TTD surprise just for you, Chuck.
Ooh! This is a testimonial of the finest moments in the career of the great Charles Greane.
A career that seemed dead has now risen from the ashes like a phoenix.
Charles, there's an old saying in the National Football League.
Hands are great, but feet are better.
And you, my friend, had the best feet I have ever witnessed.
You were the Baryshnikov of football.
Your teammates used to call you the Black Swan, for crying out loud, 'cause you were so graceful, you were so nimble.
You owned that line of scrimmage.
Word on the street is Black Swan's coming back.
The game needs you, you need the game.
Freddy T, my rookie year, told me the game's like a roller coaster, buddy.
So get your ass in gear.
See you in Foxboro.
It's gonna be nice and cold.
It ain't gonna be Miami muggy.
Black Swan was a monster.
Seriously, there was no getting around the dude.
That's right.
Whenever I thought I had a clear path to the quarterback, he always came back and shut that shit down.
You should still be playing, big man.
Hey, Charles, if you have any itch to still play, you scratch that son of a bitch off until it bleeds, buddy.
Brother, get back in the game.
I'll see you in Foxboro, buddy.
Let's go a few more rounds, motherfucker.
You need somebody to train you? Call me.
I'm your guy.
Ha! That's what I'm talking about.
Feeling that, Charles? That's an inspirational TTD joint right there.
Did you like it? - Can you run it back? - Absolutely, man.
No doubt, man.
Hey, the graphics great touch, man.
Outstanding, brother.
Holy shit.
Blindsided again.
Dan, long time no see.
What do you want? Well, got a little car trouble.
And, man, I've been seeing your ads all over TV and figured I'd throw a little business your way.
Don't need your business.
Hey, Dan.
You won't even give me a tow? You wrecked your car as an excuse to talk to me? - That's sad.
- Come on.
You crazy? You tried to exit on the wrong side of the road.
What? No, I didn't.
The sun was in my eyes.
You're wearing sunglasses.
Shit.
Shit.
The glasses.
Man, look, my car is busted.
I can't take it anywhere.
I just need a tow.
We don't even have to talk.
And I swear to God I won't bring up the hit.
The what? I just need a ride.
Please? So you got married? From the commercial.
That's real cool, man.
You guys got kids? Yeah, I bet you got kids.
Love this song, too.
Hell of a jam.
Hey, you got a son.
That's great.
Had a feeling you were a dad.
You know, not many guys go from SMU to the league, especially after the death penalty.
That's pretty goddamn impressive, man.
I told you I don't want to fucking talk about it.
Well, I do want to talk about it.
- I don't care.
- I do care.
- I don't suck dicks.
- I do not You almost got me Do that either.
Hon, I brought some stromboli.
I might have overcooked it, but I Oh, my God, it's him.
Please, let me take this.
Spencer Strasmore.
It's great to meet you.
- Yeah, hi.
Thank you.
- Hi.
Sure.
This looks great.
Salami or pepperoni? - Salami.
- Good choice.
Hey, champ! How'd the scrimmage go? - Awesome.
- Three for five and two RBls.
- Wow.
- Sweet! Who's the bald guy? Oh, that's the plumber.
Toilet's backed up again.
Big man, Spencer Strasmore.
What's your name? - Adam.
- Adam, it's good to meet you.
I used to play ball with your dad.
- You a Marlins fan? - I love the Marlins.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, hey, you know what? I happen to have extra tickets to tonight's game if you and your dad want to join me.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah, that's really not a good idea.
Please? Yes, yes! Please! Please, Dad.
That sounds like a yes.
Danny, let him take you to the ballgame.
Make him buy you some beers.
Sure you're okay with that? No, it'd be horrible to have the house all to myself.
What in the world will I do without you? - Yeah.
- Danny! All right, we're leaving.
It was good to meet you.
I'll see you tonight, big man.
Bye, Spencer.
I see you're still playing dirty.
- I didn't think you'd be home.
- Hey.
I'm glad you're here.
So what you think? I gave that to you weeks ago.
I'm just catching up on stuff.
I figure if I put it here, every time I walk through the door, I'll be thinking of you.
And bananas.
It's symbolic, though.
It reminds me also that I'm done with low-hanging fruit.
I want what's high in the tree.
Reaching for the sky.
I want a coconut.
I want you.
You're my beautiful coconut.
These are yours.
I just came to get my stuff.
You know, Ricky, in the craziest way imaginable, you got me to a place where now I know what I want.
- And it ain't you.
- Who is it, then? Fucking Birdman? I don't know.
I just know that if I don't salvage what's left of my self-respect, I'll never find it.
When you do, tell him to go fuck himself for me, please? Listen, you have to want to evolve, okay? You keep promising and apologizing, but you don't really do it.
I do.
I am.
I'm trying to, okay? I swear to God, I'm trying to.
Talking about my father on national TV, that was evolving.
And you know what? I couldn't have ne that without you.
You know, the sad thing is, you're no better than he is.
I'm gonna go get the rest of my stuff.
You don't have to leave that up.
Hey, you didn't tell me they were playing the Yanks tonight.
Holy shit! Can't wait to see Stanton go yard on them.
- Where'd you get the glove? - Borrowed it from a neighbor's kid.
- Meaning you stole it.
- I'll fucking return it.
Besides, I figure we're sitting behind the dugout, right? - Might stab a few lasers.
- What, are you 12? I'm not bare handing a foul ball.
Right, because you jerk off and catch with the same hand? You can't take the risk of breaking a finger? Got me.
Relax.
Any hot chicks come around, I'll just tell them that it's my son's and he was kidnapped and it helps me remember him.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I can't take you to the game tonight.
I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just say that so we can remain friends, 'cause I like you.
I like you, too.
I'm sorry, but something came up.
Aw, come on, man.
What does that mean, huh? You can't just disinvite me.
Joe, I'm sorry, okay? I promise you, I'm gonna get you next time.
Who is she, huh? She better have a magical fucking vagina.
It's not a woman.
It's Old Man Anderson, isn't it? Why the fuck would I dump you for Old Man Anderson? Because he's been showering you with praise ever since you got those pictures back from Angie.
Ever since we got those pictures back from Angie.
Okay? And I made sure he knows that.
Did you tell him that while you were on Snapchat together? You sound like a jealous chick, buddy.
Listen, listen.
Be careful with him.
Watch your ass, all right? You think life in the league was hard? I've seen him shoot 20 guys in the back of the head.
They don't show up the next day.
They're just gone.
The bodies are buried all over Boca.
Joe, Joe, Joe.
For the last time, it's not Anderson.
Hey, a lot of vacancy in Coral Gables.
Might be a nice place to set up our own shop.
Hey, it's Jason.
Let's see how that Dallas offer came in.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Here at the office with Joe.
- What's good? - Dallas came in big.
"Wide World of Sports" big.
Lead story on "SportsCenter" big.
Everybody's gonna be talking about this.
$45 million guaranteed.
Wow.
That is amazing.
Higher than their last offer.
You're the best agent in the business, buddy.
Well, the best agent in the business can't seem to find his client.
He's a 265-pound defensive tackle in an orange McLaren.
- He's kind of hard to miss.
- Did you call Mama? Marcus? I did, you know, and Dallas wants an answer now, but I'm afraid he's wrapped himself up in tin foil and is talking to aliens or some shit.
Did you try that laser tag place he's always talking about? You know, Joe, that's not even remotely helpful, but thank you.
Call me when he surfaces.
Well, might not want to tell your new best friend Anderson about this at the game tonight.
Wow, still chickish.
Violent hands.
I want you violent at the point of attack.
You need a nap, Charles? We got time.
- No, sir.
Here we go, I'm ready.
- Come on.
Quit holding.
You're clicking your heels, Greane.
Widen your stance.
Kick, slide.
Kick, slide.
Basics.
Come on, man.
Didn't you win a fucking Super Bowl, Greane? - Yes, I did.
- A lot of rust.
How much do you want this comeback, sugar tits? - More than anything, sir.
- I don't believe you.
Let's go.
Come on.
Maybe you'd rather see a truck, sugar tits.
Let's go again.
Yo! - Hey, Sally.
- Hi.
I only got two.
Do you mind if the kid slips in? No problem, Spence.
Enjoy the game, sweetheart.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
What? This is the life of Spencer Strasmore.
"Okay if the kid slips in with us?" "No problem, Spence.
" Must be brutal.
- It's not always that way.
- Just 99% of the time? Look, I didn't come here to rub it in your face.
No, you did this out of the goodness of your heart, right? Which is why you used my kid.
You're a real class act, man.
Hey, Dan, you know what? We don't have to do this.
I'll leave you guys alone.
You can watch the game by yourselves.
I'll have somebody take you down to the box.
Forget it.
Don't go soft on me, Strasmore.
You're doing a real nice thing here.
- I'll ease up on you.
- You promise? - I'm a sensitive man.
- Sensitive? - Yeah.
- You're sensitive? - Jesus.
- Kind of big, too.
After all I've done for that bald, multicultural motherfucker, he's gonna hang me out to dry with Anderson? Me? Fuck him.
They can fuck each other in the dicks for all I care.
- I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
No, Jaime, you're not here to listen to my bullshit all day.
How are you? Huh? How you doing? How's your dog? - Dog's doing fine.
- Oh, you know what I read the other day? This is fucked up.
It's a myth that dogs are color-blind.
You know, maybe you'd be better off without this Spencer guy.
- No, no, no.
- Just saying, Joe.
You got to embrace the freedom that comes with being your own boss.
I mean, look at me.
Don't I look happy? Anyways, I got to run, dude.
- Pick up Grandma.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Man.
- Drive safe.
- Yeah.
You got a great kid.
We can cut the bullshit now, dude.
Just tell me what's on your mind.
Okay.
I meant to hurt you that day.
I mean, you were completely exposed.
I could have pulled back, but I didn't.
Instead, I chose to light you the fuck up.
I make no apologies about it.
It's the type of player I was back then.
I'm well aware of that.
It's football.
Players are aware of the risks.
What if it was you that got laid out? Would you want a handshake, a "no hard feelings"? Some show of respect? Dan, I didn't have that in me back then.
I took that hit, I put it in a box and I buried that motherfucker.
That was it.
I moved on.
And for whatever reason, after I retired, that moment's been haunting me.
Look, I know I'm late.
I'm just trying to make it right.
You did me a favor.
Don't say that, man.
I've been dining out on the idea you robbed me of my chance at greatness for years, telling everyone Spencer Strasmore was dirty, when the reality was I was a great college player, but I was a below-average pro.
Come on, man.
You made it to the highest level.
Six teams in eight years.
Man, it got to the point where I stopped making friends 'cause I knew I wouldn't be around long enough to remember everybody's name.
- You never had that problem, did you? - No.
In all my time in the league, I never scored a TD, played in a playoff game, had a single moment of glory.
Not a cheer from the crowd.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I was chasing something I was never gonna get.
I was done when we met, Spencer.
I mean, do I miss football? Yeah.
But that hit that you've been losing sleep over, that was a straight-up mercy kill.
I've never told that to anyone.
Better than talking to a shrink.
A hell of a lot cheaper, too.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Giancarlo Stanton.
Giancarlo! Whoo! Hi there, Spence.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
- Seriously? - Yeah, that's my boy.
But I won't introduce you as my fucking plumber, by the way.
Adam.
Adam.
Come on.
- What's up, brother? - What's up, man? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
How's it going? Everything is good.
This is one of your biggest fans, Dan Balsamo.
Dan, what's going on, man? Great to meet you.
Good to meet you.
All right, and this is the big man right here.
What's up, little man? - How you doing? - 37 home runs.
- And counting.
- Look at you.
You know your stats.
Want me to sign this? All right.
Hey, how'd it go? - You didn't text me.
- Mmm.
No word just yet.
Baby, what happened? What drills did you run? You do some pass sets? Oh, yeah.
A bunch of those.
Some punch drills.
Okay, I want to know more.
Was Siefert cool? Did you tell him how my aunt grew up in the same town as his mom? No, I didn't get a chance to do that, baby.
He was kind of busy screaming at me.
The GM was screaming at you? Mm, yeah.
It was a different side of him I never seen before.
He kept calling me "sugar tits.
" A nickname is a good sign.
I really think I blew it.
Everybody counted on me to get it back and I just landed square on my ass.
Oh, baby, it couldn't have been that bad.
No, I literally landed on my ass.
Like right on it.
Right on your ass? Phew! Oh, shoot.
Look, nobody wanted this comeback for you more than I did.
You know that.
I'm sorry, baby.
But I do have some news that might ease some of that pain.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I was supposed to have my period a while ago and I didn't, so I took one of these and, bam.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive.
Yes, I'm sure.
So I'm gonna be a daddy? Yes.
Ooh, Daddy.
I like that way more than sugar tits.
I love you, baby.
I'm gonna be a daddy.
Commissioner, thank you.
Hey, Spence, shouldn't we get to our seats? You owe me some beers.
I do owe you beers.
Yeah, but one second.
We direct your attention to the field.
Throwing out our ceremonial first pitch, please welcome Miami Dolphins legend Spencer Strasmore.
Thank you.
Spencer Strasmore is certainly a fan favorite here in Miami.
The former Dolphins defenseman It's great to be the king, huh? Not bad.
Joining him is former Buffalo Bills running back and owner of Dan's Auto Collision, Mr.
Dan Balsamo and his son, number 11, Adam Balsamo.
Holy shit.
Not a bad plug, huh? I told your wife to watch.
throw out the first pitch, and that certainly was a great matchup when they were playing head-to-head in the NFL.
Okay.
Thank you, Commish.
Here you go, big man.
All right, let's do this.
Yeah, buddy.
Hey, um, ahem, don't fuck this up.
Not a chance, pal.
beautiful outside the ball park as we're ready to start.
Right in the strike zone, baby.
Go, Danny boy! Show 'em some heat, Balsamo! Come on, Danny.
All right, Balsamo.
Balsamo, you suck! Yeah!
None of the players are black.
Whatever, Reg.
Come on, man.
That's my Lionel Messi move right there.
Watch again.
Graceful.
I might be playing the wrong sport, y'all.
- Happy days.
Happy days, fellas.
- Vince! Angela's got her money and we have all the pictures back on file, everything.
We can finally move on to bigger and better things.
- For real, man.
Thanks, Spencer.
- Come on.
So everything is cool? Everything is now everything.
Okay, everything's everything.
So, what, you gonna swipe my catchphrase now? Is that it? Man, chill, Reggie.
I'm just saying we don't have to be slobbering all over the man.
You come here trotting on your high horse like you saved the day.
Let's not forget all this shit was Spencer's fault in the first place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just came to deliver good news.
That's what we wanted to do.
Well, next time a fucking phone call will do.
Wow.
Well, you're lucky I didn't call Vernon and tell him about your little joy ride you took with Angie the other night.
- Joy ride? - He's tripping.
I wish I was tripping.
She gave me the entire rundown last night.
Every gag-inducing detail.
Man, what the fuck you do now, Reggie? Nothing.
I took her home just like you asked me to.
And we were bonding over what an asshole Spencer is.
But I wasn't the fucking asshole who disrespected her and made her take the bus home.
- You did what? - She jumped out the car.
Because you pulled your pecker out at the stoplight.
Listen, man, we was getting along.
I thought she wanted to fuck.
So that's your move? Pull out your dick? What's the big deal? What's the big deal? You offered to pay her.
Everyone got the right to get paid.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Reggie? Reg, hey, you treated her like a piece of meat.
- Angie didn't deserve that.
- I thought she was a ho.
That shit ain't right, Reg.
Ange, she cool.
She ain't even a ho like that.
That's discriminatory.
My cousin Felicia, cooler than a mother.
But she an enormous ho.
I mean, suck your dick through your jeans.
What? Felicia ain't cool at all.
I didn't say nothing 'cause I thought nothing of it.
Exactly, that's the problem.
You don't think about shit.
You don't consider the consequences and you have no respect.
Man, you said I could trust you, Reg.
- You didn't do what I asked.
- Wait, wait.
And you disrespected a woman.
Man, just get up out of my face right now.
- What are you talking about? - I ain't got shit to say to you right now, Reggie.
Bounce.
Oh, wow.
Uh you know what? Fuck fuck all y'all.
You don't appreciate me, you don't deserve me.
Nate.
Awkward transition, but I spoke to Dallas.
I told them that we cleared this mess up.
They're gonna send over an offer today.
Vernon, buddy, it's time-sensitive.
Not now, y'all.
Look, I got to drive this shit off.
Hopefully there ain't no jizz on my seats.
Mr.
Anderson.
Good, good, hoped to catch you.
I better not miss my tee time.
- No, I just need a minute.
- 60 seconds, go.
Ahem.
I just want to let you know I don't think the whole boat mess was a joke.
Party got insane, yeah, but we never lost focus of what we were there to do and we accomplished our goal.
Yeah, you used my bling to get laid.
I didn't get laid.
Yet another colossal failure on your part.
- Thank you, Lanaia.
- You're welcome.
Failure? This whole sports division was my idea.
At least give me credit for that.
It was a pretty good idea.
And I brought Spencer in when you didn't want him.
- He's exceeded my expectations.
- Mine, too.
Mr.
Anderson, Spencer and I are a team.
If you like his work, you like mine.
But he's Spencer Strasmore and you're You're just Joe Krutel.
Gold medalist in being a pain in my butt.
I feel like I put something to rest, you know? Gained some clarity.
After I passed the CT exam, it's like new doors have been opening.
- That's great, Spencer.
- Yeah.
I double-checked your results and nothing's changed.
- It's all clear.
- Ah, good.
I just wanted to be absolutely sure.
Kind of pulled an Usain Bolt out of here last time.
I believe the starting gun was my suggesting that you see a psychologist.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was just really excited to get the good news.
I couldn't wait to shout it to the world.
- Mm, but now you're back.
- Yeah.
Follow-up never killed anybody.
You still having the nightmares? Flashbacks.
I drilled a guy and knocked him out of the game.
Suffer any permanent damage? - Me or him? - Him, Spencer.
He never played again.
I see.
Was it a clean hit? Well, depends on who you ask.
No flags on the play, though.
But now I keep seeing his commercials all over TV.
Dan's Auto Collision.
It's fucking weird.
Dan Balsamo.
I love those commercials.
Look, just nut up and go see the guy already.
Doc, you watch your language.
I'm happy to help, Spencer, but this isn't what I do.
You need to go talk to a psychologist.
Why? I don't need a psychologist.
I'm talking to you.
Bye, Spencer.
Hi, Dan's Auto Collision.
This is Kerri.
Hi, yeah, I'm calling about an accident I just had.
I need some help.
Sure, where can we find you? I'm at the medical park on the corner of Biscayne and 74th in a white Range Rover.
Pretty bad shape.
You can't miss it.
Oh, and by the way, if you could send Dan He's an old friend.
Okay, I'll send him right away.
All right.
Great.
Thank you.
I'll see you soon.
Man, I think you need to call somebody.
Yep, already did.
This better be important, man.
Julie would kill me if she find out I was back over here.
Relax, all right? Me and the boys cooked up something special for you.
Or this guy did.
A little TTD surprise just for you, Chuck.
Ooh! This is a testimonial of the finest moments in the career of the great Charles Greane.
A career that seemed dead has now risen from the ashes like a phoenix.
Charles, there's an old saying in the National Football League.
Hands are great, but feet are better.
And you, my friend, had the best feet I have ever witnessed.
You were the Baryshnikov of football.
Your teammates used to call you the Black Swan, for crying out loud, 'cause you were so graceful, you were so nimble.
You owned that line of scrimmage.
Word on the street is Black Swan's coming back.
The game needs you, you need the game.
Freddy T, my rookie year, told me the game's like a roller coaster, buddy.
So get your ass in gear.
See you in Foxboro.
It's gonna be nice and cold.
It ain't gonna be Miami muggy.
Black Swan was a monster.
Seriously, there was no getting around the dude.
That's right.
Whenever I thought I had a clear path to the quarterback, he always came back and shut that shit down.
You should still be playing, big man.
Hey, Charles, if you have any itch to still play, you scratch that son of a bitch off until it bleeds, buddy.
Brother, get back in the game.
I'll see you in Foxboro, buddy.
Let's go a few more rounds, motherfucker.
You need somebody to train you? Call me.
I'm your guy.
Ha! That's what I'm talking about.
Feeling that, Charles? That's an inspirational TTD joint right there.
Did you like it? - Can you run it back? - Absolutely, man.
No doubt, man.
Hey, the graphics great touch, man.
Outstanding, brother.
Holy shit.
Blindsided again.
Dan, long time no see.
What do you want? Well, got a little car trouble.
And, man, I've been seeing your ads all over TV and figured I'd throw a little business your way.
Don't need your business.
Hey, Dan.
You won't even give me a tow? You wrecked your car as an excuse to talk to me? - That's sad.
- Come on.
You crazy? You tried to exit on the wrong side of the road.
What? No, I didn't.
The sun was in my eyes.
You're wearing sunglasses.
Shit.
Shit.
The glasses.
Man, look, my car is busted.
I can't take it anywhere.
I just need a tow.
We don't even have to talk.
And I swear to God I won't bring up the hit.
The what? I just need a ride.
Please? So you got married? From the commercial.
That's real cool, man.
You guys got kids? Yeah, I bet you got kids.
Love this song, too.
Hell of a jam.
Hey, you got a son.
That's great.
Had a feeling you were a dad.
You know, not many guys go from SMU to the league, especially after the death penalty.
That's pretty goddamn impressive, man.
I told you I don't want to fucking talk about it.
Well, I do want to talk about it.
- I don't care.
- I do care.
- I don't suck dicks.
- I do not You almost got me Do that either.
Hon, I brought some stromboli.
I might have overcooked it, but I Oh, my God, it's him.
Please, let me take this.
Spencer Strasmore.
It's great to meet you.
- Yeah, hi.
Thank you.
- Hi.
Sure.
This looks great.
Salami or pepperoni? - Salami.
- Good choice.
Hey, champ! How'd the scrimmage go? - Awesome.
- Three for five and two RBls.
- Wow.
- Sweet! Who's the bald guy? Oh, that's the plumber.
Toilet's backed up again.
Big man, Spencer Strasmore.
What's your name? - Adam.
- Adam, it's good to meet you.
I used to play ball with your dad.
- You a Marlins fan? - I love the Marlins.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, hey, you know what? I happen to have extra tickets to tonight's game if you and your dad want to join me.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah, that's really not a good idea.
Please? Yes, yes! Please! Please, Dad.
That sounds like a yes.
Danny, let him take you to the ballgame.
Make him buy you some beers.
Sure you're okay with that? No, it'd be horrible to have the house all to myself.
What in the world will I do without you? - Yeah.
- Danny! All right, we're leaving.
It was good to meet you.
I'll see you tonight, big man.
Bye, Spencer.
I see you're still playing dirty.
- I didn't think you'd be home.
- Hey.
I'm glad you're here.
So what you think? I gave that to you weeks ago.
I'm just catching up on stuff.
I figure if I put it here, every time I walk through the door, I'll be thinking of you.
And bananas.
It's symbolic, though.
It reminds me also that I'm done with low-hanging fruit.
I want what's high in the tree.
Reaching for the sky.
I want a coconut.
I want you.
You're my beautiful coconut.
These are yours.
I just came to get my stuff.
You know, Ricky, in the craziest way imaginable, you got me to a place where now I know what I want.
- And it ain't you.
- Who is it, then? Fucking Birdman? I don't know.
I just know that if I don't salvage what's left of my self-respect, I'll never find it.
When you do, tell him to go fuck himself for me, please? Listen, you have to want to evolve, okay? You keep promising and apologizing, but you don't really do it.
I do.
I am.
I'm trying to, okay? I swear to God, I'm trying to.
Talking about my father on national TV, that was evolving.
And you know what? I couldn't have ne that without you.
You know, the sad thing is, you're no better than he is.
I'm gonna go get the rest of my stuff.
You don't have to leave that up.
Hey, you didn't tell me they were playing the Yanks tonight.
Holy shit! Can't wait to see Stanton go yard on them.
- Where'd you get the glove? - Borrowed it from a neighbor's kid.
- Meaning you stole it.
- I'll fucking return it.
Besides, I figure we're sitting behind the dugout, right? - Might stab a few lasers.
- What, are you 12? I'm not bare handing a foul ball.
Right, because you jerk off and catch with the same hand? You can't take the risk of breaking a finger? Got me.
Relax.
Any hot chicks come around, I'll just tell them that it's my son's and he was kidnapped and it helps me remember him.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I can't take you to the game tonight.
I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just say that so we can remain friends, 'cause I like you.
I like you, too.
I'm sorry, but something came up.
Aw, come on, man.
What does that mean, huh? You can't just disinvite me.
Joe, I'm sorry, okay? I promise you, I'm gonna get you next time.
Who is she, huh? She better have a magical fucking vagina.
It's not a woman.
It's Old Man Anderson, isn't it? Why the fuck would I dump you for Old Man Anderson? Because he's been showering you with praise ever since you got those pictures back from Angie.
Ever since we got those pictures back from Angie.
Okay? And I made sure he knows that.
Did you tell him that while you were on Snapchat together? You sound like a jealous chick, buddy.
Listen, listen.
Be careful with him.
Watch your ass, all right? You think life in the league was hard? I've seen him shoot 20 guys in the back of the head.
They don't show up the next day.
They're just gone.
The bodies are buried all over Boca.
Joe, Joe, Joe.
For the last time, it's not Anderson.
Hey, a lot of vacancy in Coral Gables.
Might be a nice place to set up our own shop.
Hey, it's Jason.
Let's see how that Dallas offer came in.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Here at the office with Joe.
- What's good? - Dallas came in big.
"Wide World of Sports" big.
Lead story on "SportsCenter" big.
Everybody's gonna be talking about this.
$45 million guaranteed.
Wow.
That is amazing.
Higher than their last offer.
You're the best agent in the business, buddy.
Well, the best agent in the business can't seem to find his client.
He's a 265-pound defensive tackle in an orange McLaren.
- He's kind of hard to miss.
- Did you call Mama? Marcus? I did, you know, and Dallas wants an answer now, but I'm afraid he's wrapped himself up in tin foil and is talking to aliens or some shit.
Did you try that laser tag place he's always talking about? You know, Joe, that's not even remotely helpful, but thank you.
Call me when he surfaces.
Well, might not want to tell your new best friend Anderson about this at the game tonight.
Wow, still chickish.
Violent hands.
I want you violent at the point of attack.
You need a nap, Charles? We got time.
- No, sir.
Here we go, I'm ready.
- Come on.
Quit holding.
You're clicking your heels, Greane.
Widen your stance.
Kick, slide.
Kick, slide.
Basics.
Come on, man.
Didn't you win a fucking Super Bowl, Greane? - Yes, I did.
- A lot of rust.
How much do you want this comeback, sugar tits? - More than anything, sir.
- I don't believe you.
Let's go.
Come on.
Maybe you'd rather see a truck, sugar tits.
Let's go again.
Yo! - Hey, Sally.
- Hi.
I only got two.
Do you mind if the kid slips in? No problem, Spence.
Enjoy the game, sweetheart.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
What? This is the life of Spencer Strasmore.
"Okay if the kid slips in with us?" "No problem, Spence.
" Must be brutal.
- It's not always that way.
- Just 99% of the time? Look, I didn't come here to rub it in your face.
No, you did this out of the goodness of your heart, right? Which is why you used my kid.
You're a real class act, man.
Hey, Dan, you know what? We don't have to do this.
I'll leave you guys alone.
You can watch the game by yourselves.
I'll have somebody take you down to the box.
Forget it.
Don't go soft on me, Strasmore.
You're doing a real nice thing here.
- I'll ease up on you.
- You promise? - I'm a sensitive man.
- Sensitive? - Yeah.
- You're sensitive? - Jesus.
- Kind of big, too.
After all I've done for that bald, multicultural motherfucker, he's gonna hang me out to dry with Anderson? Me? Fuck him.
They can fuck each other in the dicks for all I care.
- I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
No, Jaime, you're not here to listen to my bullshit all day.
How are you? Huh? How you doing? How's your dog? - Dog's doing fine.
- Oh, you know what I read the other day? This is fucked up.
It's a myth that dogs are color-blind.
You know, maybe you'd be better off without this Spencer guy.
- No, no, no.
- Just saying, Joe.
You got to embrace the freedom that comes with being your own boss.
I mean, look at me.
Don't I look happy? Anyways, I got to run, dude.
- Pick up Grandma.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Man.
- Drive safe.
- Yeah.
You got a great kid.
We can cut the bullshit now, dude.
Just tell me what's on your mind.
Okay.
I meant to hurt you that day.
I mean, you were completely exposed.
I could have pulled back, but I didn't.
Instead, I chose to light you the fuck up.
I make no apologies about it.
It's the type of player I was back then.
I'm well aware of that.
It's football.
Players are aware of the risks.
What if it was you that got laid out? Would you want a handshake, a "no hard feelings"? Some show of respect? Dan, I didn't have that in me back then.
I took that hit, I put it in a box and I buried that motherfucker.
That was it.
I moved on.
And for whatever reason, after I retired, that moment's been haunting me.
Look, I know I'm late.
I'm just trying to make it right.
You did me a favor.
Don't say that, man.
I've been dining out on the idea you robbed me of my chance at greatness for years, telling everyone Spencer Strasmore was dirty, when the reality was I was a great college player, but I was a below-average pro.
Come on, man.
You made it to the highest level.
Six teams in eight years.
Man, it got to the point where I stopped making friends 'cause I knew I wouldn't be around long enough to remember everybody's name.
- You never had that problem, did you? - No.
In all my time in the league, I never scored a TD, played in a playoff game, had a single moment of glory.
Not a cheer from the crowd.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I was chasing something I was never gonna get.
I was done when we met, Spencer.
I mean, do I miss football? Yeah.
But that hit that you've been losing sleep over, that was a straight-up mercy kill.
I've never told that to anyone.
Better than talking to a shrink.
A hell of a lot cheaper, too.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Giancarlo Stanton.
Giancarlo! Whoo! Hi there, Spence.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
- Seriously? - Yeah, that's my boy.
But I won't introduce you as my fucking plumber, by the way.
Adam.
Adam.
Come on.
- What's up, brother? - What's up, man? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
How's it going? Everything is good.
This is one of your biggest fans, Dan Balsamo.
Dan, what's going on, man? Great to meet you.
Good to meet you.
All right, and this is the big man right here.
What's up, little man? - How you doing? - 37 home runs.
- And counting.
- Look at you.
You know your stats.
Want me to sign this? All right.
Hey, how'd it go? - You didn't text me.
- Mmm.
No word just yet.
Baby, what happened? What drills did you run? You do some pass sets? Oh, yeah.
A bunch of those.
Some punch drills.
Okay, I want to know more.
Was Siefert cool? Did you tell him how my aunt grew up in the same town as his mom? No, I didn't get a chance to do that, baby.
He was kind of busy screaming at me.
The GM was screaming at you? Mm, yeah.
It was a different side of him I never seen before.
He kept calling me "sugar tits.
" A nickname is a good sign.
I really think I blew it.
Everybody counted on me to get it back and I just landed square on my ass.
Oh, baby, it couldn't have been that bad.
No, I literally landed on my ass.
Like right on it.
Right on your ass? Phew! Oh, shoot.
Look, nobody wanted this comeback for you more than I did.
You know that.
I'm sorry, baby.
But I do have some news that might ease some of that pain.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I was supposed to have my period a while ago and I didn't, so I took one of these and, bam.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive.
Yes, I'm sure.
So I'm gonna be a daddy? Yes.
Ooh, Daddy.
I like that way more than sugar tits.
I love you, baby.
I'm gonna be a daddy.
Commissioner, thank you.
Hey, Spence, shouldn't we get to our seats? You owe me some beers.
I do owe you beers.
Yeah, but one second.
We direct your attention to the field.
Throwing out our ceremonial first pitch, please welcome Miami Dolphins legend Spencer Strasmore.
Thank you.
Spencer Strasmore is certainly a fan favorite here in Miami.
The former Dolphins defenseman It's great to be the king, huh? Not bad.
Joining him is former Buffalo Bills running back and owner of Dan's Auto Collision, Mr.
Dan Balsamo and his son, number 11, Adam Balsamo.
Holy shit.
Not a bad plug, huh? I told your wife to watch.
throw out the first pitch, and that certainly was a great matchup when they were playing head-to-head in the NFL.
Okay.
Thank you, Commish.
Here you go, big man.
All right, let's do this.
Yeah, buddy.
Hey, um, ahem, don't fuck this up.
Not a chance, pal.
beautiful outside the ball park as we're ready to start.
Right in the strike zone, baby.
Go, Danny boy! Show 'em some heat, Balsamo! Come on, Danny.
All right, Balsamo.
Balsamo, you suck! Yeah!