Ben and Kate (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

Maddie, you got to drink your milk.
I don't want to.
Don't you want a milk mustache? I'm a girl why would I want a mustache? Okay.
I see you brought your A-game.
I'm gonna level with you, okay? I don't like milk, either.
There's, like, that thickness to it, it's kind of gross.
You may have heard the word "viscosity"? No? What do they even teach you in school? Okay.
You know what I hate more than milk? Osteoporosis, the silent killer.
In women more than men Tag me in.
Tag me in.
Ben, I got it.
I can do this.
You're doing a horrible job.
Tag me in.
I'll give you five dollars Tag me in.
You ready to drink some milk? Oh! I didn't make the rules to milk-pong, dude.
I'm sorry, you got to pound.
You got to chug that thing, pledge.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug Uh, I don't Chug, chug This was your idea, so I'm pretty sure you should drink it.
Wake up, look around There's a feeling today Fall down, get up again Get in the game Hey, hey, hey We're all here anyway.
I don't think they're down here.
Keep feeling around, okay? God gave you small hands for a reason.
Hey, what's up, y'all? I did it.
You start this morning.
Yes! Dude, this is gonna change everything! What are you talking about? I got your Uncle Ben a job at my country club.
No, not just a job this could be the opportunity of a lifetime.
You see, business deals aren't made in the boardroom, okay? They're made on the tennis court, they're made on the golf course, they're made on the helipad, you know, when you're waiting to get on the copter and fly to Austin for a barbecue.
And that is why I asked Tommy to hook me up with this job.
Okay? So that I could sell the power elite my start-up ideas.
Like Rail Mall.
Sky Mall catalogue for trains, your time has come.
Ah! Look at this.
My keys were in the pocket the whole time.
Sorry, dude.
It's okay.
So, what am I gonna be doing? No, wait, don't tell me.
General manager? Vice president? Vice president of general managers? Snack cart driver? Yeah.
Whatever.
I can work with this, you know? I mean, this is how legends were made.
You take this lemonade and turn it into lemonade.
Exactly.
Hey, Tommy.
Hi, Mr.
Carlson.
You the new snack girl? Here's your visor.
And here's your backpack.
Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call this a backpack.
You know? It's more like a scrotal kind of carry-all.
Yo, come get some drinks! Yeah.
I actually love this visor.
It's sending a message that a man can do any job that a woman can do.
Yeah.
Plus, it kind of feels like I'm supporting breast cancer.
Whatever.
Still killing it.
Yeah.
What's up, bros! Need some change?! Boom.
Got it.
Bam! Wish me luck.
Hey, you don't need luck.
You need to go forward, though.
I think I'm in neutral.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's the horn.
Sorry, guys! Take a Mulligan.
Got it! O-Okay! Will is so cute.
Isn't he? He keeps making up his own text acronyms.
You know, like BRB? LOL? You know Okay, so this one is, like, KYITM.
What does that mean? Killing You If You Don't Stop Talking About Your Boyfriend? No, too many words.
Come on! I found the perfect guy; just be happy for me.
I am trying, Kate, but you don't pay attention to me anymore.
It's, like, all of a sudden I'm not the most important person in your life, apart from what's her socks? Maddie? Yes, Maddie.
I know its name.
Did you figure it out? No.
KYITM Kissing You In Two Minutes.
Oh What are we doing tonight? My band is playing.
You're in a band? Yeah.
Oh, my God! How exciting.
"Rock out to the sweet Southern sounds of the greatest cover band of all time, ZZ Scott.
" It's a ZZ Top cover band.
We practice at my buddy Scott's house, hence the name ZZ Scott.
Yeah, he's a bit of a narcissist.
I'd love it if you could come.
Of course.
I'll be there.
Awesome.
I'm gonna go pick up my daughter.
My ex-wife is at her women's support group at the community center.
I swear, they meet, like, Bye.
See you, Beej.
Bye.
I'm so excited it's really cool that you're in a band.
This is a complete disaster.
Break up with him immediately.
This always happens to me.
I meet the perfect guy, and then there's always just one little thing that So, the priest says to the bartender The priest is blind.
I left that part out, but blind is important.
Wait, not a bartender, it's a waiter.
The joke's funnier if it's a waiter.
Geez! Oh! I hate this game! I hate this ball! I hate this bat! This game is for losers! Oh! ruins it.
I knew he was too good to be true.
This is gonna be awful.
And what if his crazy ex-wife is Nicole is not crazy.
They actually they have a good relationship.
That's even worse, Kate.
It means she's still obsessed with him.
She goes to support groups.
Huge red flag.
I'm on it.
Don't be on it.
Get off it.
Got it.
I'm on it.
Get off it right now.
No, no, get off.
You get off.
I'm not on it.
Get off it.
You wouldn't happen to be Nicole, would you? No.
And you wouldn't happen to know Nicole? Right.
Okay, well, can you find her and tell her that her ex-husband is playing a show tonight and his new girlfriend is gonna be there, so if she wants to show up, it's 8:00 p.
m.
Oh.
A new face! I love a new face! Hello! Welcome to our little support group.
Hi.
I'm Nan.
Come, sit.
I just was getting some coffee, because I'm homeless.
And I'm actually really late for an appointment, so Humor is a wonderful coping mechanism.
Right.
Yeah.
Come on, come on, you're among sisters.
Oh, yes.
You know, the first step to feeling whole again Yeah.
Okay.
is to share, and I promise you will have our full attention.
All right, yeah, I am actually going through a bit of a rough patch in my relationship with someone right now.
It's been tough.
Um we just don't communicate like we used to.
Okay, and what is your ex-husband's name? Kate.
Yeah.
It's a woman.
So what? You know, heartbreak knows no gender.
This one knows what I'm talking about.
Oh, no, I was married to a man.
What's the name of his new husband? 'Cause she's got short hair.
It's all right, it's just a joke.
Could you just, could you get me some coffee? Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And maybe just a little bit of milk would be lovely.
Sure.
Not creamer.
Okay.
I don't like that.
Half-and-Half would be fine.
Okay.
But I prefer two-percent.
Just, you can go and get it.
You're up and down.
She's so annoying.
Um Here you go.
That'll be two bucks for the lemonade.
And what you're about to hear next, my friend, is free.
Just imagine you're on a train.
On your way to see your kid.
Haven't connected much since the divorce, and you're losing your boy.
How do you get him back? Maybe you buy him that perfect gift.
Maybe that wall-sized crossword puzzle, or maybe a mixed-breed dog DNA kit.
No, but you can't, because travel-based shopping is limited to airplanes.
Or is it? Tough shot.
There you go.
Cool you down.
That's the fifth ball I've hit in the water today.
Should just give my money right to the poachers.
The poachers, sir? Yeah, that sneak on the golf course in the middle of the night and go diving for balls.
They make a fortune selling them back to us.
Probably thousands of dollars worth of golf balls in there.
Rumor spreadin' around in that Texas town 'Bout the shack outside La Grange You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah.
My God, they're actually really good.
Kate, it's like I'm not even here.
I'm so glad you think so, too.
I mean, what a relief.
Right? It's, like, look at him.
He looks really sexy and cute.
We are ZZ Scott.
I am Scott.
Guitar solo.
Oh.
No.
Son of a This is the thing.
I knew there'd be a thing.
Kate, what's he doing? I've seen this face before.
What is it? That's his sex face.
That tickles Is something the matter? Nope.
Everything is perfect.
Good.
'Cause we have the place all to ourselves.
Mmm.
And I really want to kiss you.
I'm ready.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Mmm! Do you not want to do this? I do.
I do.
I'm ready for doing.
Let's do it.
Doing it.
Doing it.
Oh, not doing it.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I could not stop laughing.
Oh.
So then I had to tell him, and now he's ignoring me.
You know, I just wish his eyes were either open or closed.
Pick one.
You know, don't just leave 'em in the middle somewhere like you're not sure.
Yeah, I remember.
It's like an old man that's unhappy with his sandwich - that's like - I don't understand.
It's not like you haven't seen it before.
No, I've seen it exactly 17 times.
Well, like, 15 out of 17 times.
Oh, good for you.
Switching it up.
Thanks.
Kate, you're overreacting.
My friend Nan would say this is a harbinger of something much deeper.
Who is Nan? Ooh, look who's interested in my life all of a sudden.
No! Dude.
Look, Ben, it's stealing! It's not stealing, okay? It's more of a finders keepers situation.
I'm not risking my job.
You'll be gaining a job.
We sell those balls for seed money for Rail Mall.
Then we plant those seeds, and before you know it, we are tycoons, Tommy.
Why are we wasting time talking about this? If you want to sort out your sex problems with Will, make him wear a mask.
What sex problems? Performance issues? I knew it.
God doesn't give with both hands, you handsome bastard.
No, it's nothing.
You guys It's his face.
It's the face he makes when he's doing it to her.
BJ, I don't want to talk about this in front of my brother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And I'd prefer not to talk about this at all.
It's too late.
I'm in this now.
I know too much, and yet, I need to know more.
It's actually not that interesting.
What does the face look like? You really want to see it? Yeah.
It's like Yeah.
That's just bad technique.
I wonder what mine looks like.
No, don't do this.
Do it.
No.
Gross.
Don't do it.
Oh, my God.
That's some interesting stuff going on here.
Please stop.
And I should know.
Worked in Greece for a summer.
Yup.
Seen that one before.
Whoa! Oh! It's like a potpourri of grotesque faces.
Don't make sounds.
It's actually adorable.
Make it stop so I can look back.
All right, fine.
Sorry to disappoint, but you don't get to see mine until it's real.
BJ, your turn.
Show me your sex face.
I'm doing it now.
Yup.
That was a good one.
Wait.
I know exactly what mine is.
I had it sketched.
It's a little bit more like, "Whoa!" Ooh, Ben.
And then, if I was, like, playing guitar while having sex, it'd be like, Wah-la-la, la-la-la, wah.
Oh, my Ben.
Ben, Ben.
Oh! Ben! Stop it right now! Whoa! Will, it's not like You know what? Don't.
Ooh.
I'm really sorry, dude.
It's a real bummer.
Oh, look.
She's doing it.
That's my sex face.
Can you see it? There we go.
Love that sound.
That might as well be a slot machine paying out silver dollars.
That's something on my leg.
That is something on my leg.
Get off.
I guess this was predictable.
Get off! I told you not to poach for golf balls, and yet, here you are! Hey, Tommy! Will you whisper? I am whispering! Why can I not whisper right? I think I'm just afraid of developing a lisp.
More of a lisp.
It's barely detectable.
Nobody ever I mean, a couple of times, I get called out.
Dude, shut up! Hey, you can't be here.
Shoot.
Run, Tommy, Ron! I get it.
Black man on a golf course.
You think something's going on.
So hard to move my foot.
But there's nothing going on because I work here.
Tommy! Save yourself! Okay, there's something going on.
Tommy, I'm so sorry, dude.
Look, I'll figure something out, okay? Maybe-maybe I can sue for discrimination.
I was forced to wear a woman's visor, so that's probably a harassment thing.
You know, maybe I can look into that, or Tommy, can you please just say something? Tommy, please, just forgive me.
I got fired, Ben, from the only job I've ever loved.
I got paid to wear tennis shorts, and you took that from me.
I didn't mean You took it, and you know what happens now.
Tommy, anything but that.
You're in the penalty box.
No.
Tommy, come on.
No.
Fine.
You just have to let me know how What are you thinking, like, length-wise? Like, two days, or, like, a week? Or, like, a fortnight? I mean Look, Mr.
Carlson, you're mad at the wrong guy.
It's my fault that you had to come down here at Tommy was actually trying to stop me from poaching golf balls.
So if you're gonna fire anybody, fire me.
I did fire you.
I'll just clean out my locker.
And that is everything.
Oh.
Uh.
Ah! Ooh.
What are you doing, Mom? Oh, my Not What?! Nothing.
I was sending an apology to a friend, and I had a rough night.
Come here.
Just give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
Give me a big hug.
I'm already sharing her with Maddie, let alone this new person she's dating.
So when is it time for me? You know, I think you need to accept the fact Yeah.
that if Kate is going to remain in your life, you need to allow her to find happiness from someone else.
And I think that is the hardest part for all of us, if we're honest with each other.
You are a wise woman, Nan.
Mark was an idiot to cheat on you with all those prostitutes.
Anyway, I've just I want to say thank you, because I've never been able to be this honest about how I feel and who I am, so thank you.
Oh! We know, Penny.
And we cherish you for it.
You're the best.
Tommy, it's Ben again.
Will you call me back, okay? Thanks.
Bye.
Tommy! Hey.
It's Ben again.
Look, I ordered one of those comically large pizzas, and it i is way too much for, uh me and that super-hot girl from the juice commercials you love, so, uh Tommy, it's Dick Krajicek calling.
Ja, I'm st hanging here with Boris Becker, Stefan, Lendl Tommy, Uncle Ben's really hurt, and he needs you to To come I can't do this.
Oh, come on, dude! Come on! Tommy.
It's Ben Fox from the future.
I'm sitting on my death bed Dude.
What is your deal? I'm just trying to get Tommy to call me back.
He's mad because I kind of screwed up pretty big.
Like how big? I got him fired from his job.
Oh, my God, Ben! I know.
That's a big deal.
I know.
You have to get him his job back.
I know.
I feel terrible.
You know, it's not like we're kids anymore.
I feel like I'm a horrible friend.
So what do I do, Kate? I don't know.
I mean, if it were me and BJ, I'd probably go over there and I'd be super honest and then I'd obviously get really emotional and then I'd try to probably hug her and she doesn't like to be tou Be like, "Kate, Kate! Stop it!" That's, like, a girl thing, though, you know? I don't know how dudes handle their emotions.
I know exactly what I need to do.
Are you sure about this, Ben? Definitely, okay? One bucket of balls.
Swing away.
But, dude, I don't want Hey.
I can handle it.
What I did to you was a big screwup.
Probably, like, the biggest that I've ever made.
You put yourself out on the line and What did I do? I cost you your job.
That's not what a friend does to another friend.
He looks Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, are you okay? Ben, I am so sor Are you? Why would? Wh What hurts? Why would you Why would you do that to me?! Ow! We should've just talked this out like girls! You know, Kate was right.
That makes sense like, explain how our feelings are hurt and stuff.
And communication.
Oh, oh, Ben.
What'd you use? Like, a 3-iron? Yeah.
You could've used, like, a pitching wedge.
Adams.
What are you doing here? I thought I fired you.
That's It's fine.
He's with me, sir.
Snack girl.
I fired you, too.
Wait a minute.
Is your last name Fox? Are you the one who's been sending those things to my house? If by "things," you mean awesome, thoughtful gifts that might make you reconsider your personnel decisions, then yes, that was me.
By the way, did the frogs in the biosphere, did they make it? My daughter actually went crazy for those frogs.
That makes me so happy.
I don't get to see her that much.
She lives with her mother in San Clemente.
San Clemente, huh? You ever take the train down there? Yeah, all the time.
Mr.
Carlson, I This may sound crazy, but, uh Let's imagine this: you're on the 4:15, right? The Blue Comet.
You're going to see your daughter.
You don't need to touch me.
You're right.
Too much.
We'll find the right level of touching.
You know, we're gonna have to if we're gonna go into business together.
I've been a terrible friend.
Have a seat.
I made cookies.
But I am now ready to support your needs and allow you to find happiness.
But most of all to just listen.
Thank you.
Well, Will isn't Did you cut your bangs? 'Cause they're just a bit above the eyebrow like that.
'Cause if Sorry.
I am present.
Will isn't talking to me, and his sex face should have never been this big of a deal.
I don't know know why I'm making a huge deal out of it.
I don't know why I'm trying to ruin this perfect thing.
Well, Kate, do you think it's possible that you overreact to the smallest flaws and chase away good guys because you're trying to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment? Wow.
Yeah.
Yes.
That's exactly what I do.
Where did that come from? That's my friend Nan.
Yeah, she's amazing.
Who is Nan? Three divorces, one glass eye, still drags herself out of bed in the morning.
The old boot.
Please, have a nibble.
I made them for you.
You don't have to say that you I made them.
You don't have to say that, BJ.
You can say you got them out of my cupboard.
I did.
I made them for you, Kate.
I finally figured it out.
I am trying to kill our relationship! Huh.
I made a really big deal out of your guitar face because I am freaked out by how perfect you are.
I expect guys to just let me down.
All the time.
And you don't do that.
Look, I'm not perfect, okay? I snore like crazy.
Softly and rhythmically.
It's actually quite soothing.
You're like a human white noise machine.
Sometimes I move my lips when I read.
So does Maddie, and I'm crazy about her, too, so This is my fault, okay? I was trying to find something that would break us up instead of just admitting how much I like you.
Mm.
Mm.
Wait, why are you here right now? Shouldn't you be getting ready for your show? Oh, no, I'm not going.
I think I hate music now.
Because of the face, you hate music? Don't do that.
I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I must've looked up there.
It's, like, on an infinite loop in my head.
Come on! All musicians look like that.
Why do you think they wear such tight pants? It's to take the attention off of here and put it here.
Look, I like what you're trying to do here, but it's not gonna happen, okay? What if someone else is onstage with you? You know? And she makes her own rock face? I'm listening.
Come on, man.
I'll wear tight pants.
I'll wear no pants.
Whatever's gonna get you there.
Let's go.
I feel like I've just spent the past 40 minutes watching my sister and her boyfriend have face sex.
How does that make you feel, Ben? Gross! Aw! It's really messed up, and it's making me feel super gross.
Scott is a pretty solid dude.
But Will cannot play the guitar.
Hey, focus on the positive, Tommy.
Mr.
Carlson gave you your job back, and we got our first investor for Rail Mall.
Yeah, we did, baby! Not to pat myself on the back, but, like, none of that would've happened if I hadn't gone diving for golf balls.
Do not push it.
Aw, that was so great, you guys.
Nice work.
How does it feel? What are you doing? What is this thing that you're doing? This is like therapy lingo and stuff.
'Cause I've realized I'm gonna be a really great therapist.
Thank you very much! Please stick around for our sister band, Stacy/DC! Ow! Guys, guess what.
Scott is having a Jacuzzi party after the show, and his landlord is out of town, so we can all park in his spot.
I always keep a bathing suit in my center console.
Yeah, you do.
It's the pink one, right? Yeah.
yeah, it is.