Bewitched (1964) s01e09 Episode Script

Enough is enough.
It's about time I paid some attention to you.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm practicing my button-sewing.
Getting pretty good too, see? It's marvellous, but the workaday world is over.
Friday night.
- Time for excitement and romance.
- Oh, marvellous.
Where are we going? We're not going anywhere.
Excitement, romance.
That goes with black tie, champagne and dancing.
- We don't have to get that excited.
- Oh, I see.
No champagne or dancing? - You can wear my black tie if you like.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
I love you with all my heart.
But nothing is going to get me to put my shoes back on, let alone a black tie.
Oh, I just thought we'd sit around here together just the two of us, you know.
Oh, grab that, will you, honey? Oh, sure.
Hello.
Yes, it is.
Yes, he is.
Just a minute please.
Darrin, it's for you.
Thank you, honey.
Hello.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Well, you are an eager beaver, aren't you.
Oh, tonight would be fine.
Well, I'm looking forward to meeting you too.
Yes, goodbye.
- Who was that? - An admirer.
- An admirer of what? - Of me.
I'm to be interviewed as the prototype for the successful young advertising executive.
Really, Darrin? For newspapers and magazines, television something like that? - Something like that.
- Which one? - A paper.
- Which one? - A local paper.
- Which one? - Local school paper.
Oh, which one? A local junior college paper by a local junior college journalism student.
- Well, I think that's very nice.
- Well it's a start anyway.
- No telling where I'll go from there.
- Well, I'm very proud of you.
- Was that his mother who called? - No, that was her.
- Her? - Sorry, she.
Oh, well, how did her? She pick on you? Saw my picture in the neighbourhood paper when we moved in.
Oh, yes, that was a wonderful picture.
You looked sort of fearless and sexy as I recall.
Somehow that photographer caught me, didn't he? - Where are you going? - To put a tie on.
- It doesn't look nice like this.
- Oh, I see.
Sam, will you fix some cold drinks, sandwiches, things like that? Why don't you just give me a quarter and I'll go to the movies? I can't tell you how much I appreciate you letting me come over tonight.
You're the most important term project I've got.
- Well, I'm flattered.
- It's really fascinating how much you look like your picture.
- Oh, yes.
Somehow that photographer caught Yes, thank you.
- Can we offer you something? - Please don't go to any bother.
Oh, it's no bother.
It's no bother.
I have sandwiches all ready.
You're very sweet, and I'll try not to keep your husband for too long.
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
You know, I think creative advertising is among the more fascinating avocations in the world today.
Yes, I suppose it is.
I never expected that anyone who was so successful in that field would be well, as young as you, Mr.
Stephens.
Well, I'm not that young, Ms.
Randall, although most men in my position are a bit older, I guess.
Baloney.
And there's corned beef and liverwurst and some of that wonderful smelly cheese too.
My husband's simply crazy about that.
No, thank you, but I would like a little something to cool me off.
Yes, of course.
One thing I'm dying to know is where you got that idea for that wonderful Caldwell's Soup campaign.
"The only thing that will ever come between us.
" It's an inspired slogan.
Well, how did you know that was mine? I've made quite a study of you, Mr.
Stephens.
Well, I am flattered, Ms.
Randall.
Please call me Liza.
- Very well, Liza.
- And I'll call you Darrin.
That is if Mrs.
Stephens doesn't mind.
Oh, no, of course not.
He's been called worse than that.
My wife has a great sense of humour.
We practically never stop laughing around here.
I suppose you find it difficult to accomplish anything at home.
What do you mean by that? - She means business, dear.
- Oh, well I guess we'd better just stop laughing so you can get down to some serious work.
You see what I mean? Actually I do find the office more conducive, yes.
I thought so.
And as long as we have a date to go down there tomorrow I won't have to keep you any longer tonight.
- Tomorrow? - Well, when Liza Ms.
Randall called me about the interview I suggested she come to the office on Saturdays, when it's quiet, so I can show her around.
You see? Oh, yes, I see.
Liza's never seen a real advertising agency.
Oh, well, I suppose everyone should see one sooner or later.
- Is 9:00 all right? - That'll be fine.
- In the morning? - Of course in the morning.
Nice to have met you, Mrs.
Stephens.
Oh, wonderful to have met you, Liza.
Wonderful to have met you.
Wonderful to have Nice meeting you, Liza.
- See you in the morning, Darrin.
- Yes, good night, Liza.
Nice little girl, isn't she? - Rather big for a little girl.
- What do you mean? You certainly bring out the woman in her.
Oh, come on.
All young girls are impressed by an older man.
Well, you certainly are that.
Especially an older man who doesn't look his age.
Vanity, thy name is human.
What's wrong with being human? At least I'm not a Not a what? Now, Sam.
Sam, now cut that out.
You're not jealous of a schoolkid, are you? Not a what? A teenage, freckle-faced schoolkid in short socks and sneakers when I have something like you.
Like what? A fascinating, bewitching, beguiling You convinced me.
It's a shame you have to go to the office today.
I won't be long.
Why don't you come with us? No, thank you.
I've got a lot of housework to do.
- It's almost 9: 15.
Where is our little? - Sam.
- Typical American schoolkid with freckles, short socks and sneakers? That is a very accurate description of Liza Randall.
It's also a very accurate description of Huckleberry Finn.
Oh, now you finish your breakfast.
I'll get it.
Good morning.
- Well, good morning.
- Is Darrin? Is Mr.
Stephens ready? Just about.
Why don't you come in, Liza, and make yourself comfortable.
It'll only be a minute.
I'll tell Mr.
Steph Darrin that you're here.
- Who is it? - Typical American schoolkid with freckles, silk stockings and 3-inch French heels.
- Liza? - Well, it ain't Huckleberry Finn.
Well, honey, why didn't you ask her to come in? Come on in, Liza.
- Good morning, Darrin.
- Well, good morning.
- Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
- Thank you.
Don't let me rush you.
I'm ready anytime you are.
- Yes.
Would you care for some coffee? - No, thank you.
I'll be right with you as soon as I finish my legs.
Eggs.
I'll be waiting.
After all, your wife's been nice enough to lend you to me for a whole day.
- Yes, of course.
Why don't you two get started.
You want to get home before dark.
Are you sure you won't come with us? Oh, no, I've got loads to do around here.
You two go ahead and have fun.
All right.
Let's go, Liza.
I'll give you my undivided attention, Mr.
Stephens so we won't waste a moment.
- See you later.
We won't be late.
Yes, well, be very careful.
- Driving.
- Oh, of course.
- See you later, Mrs.
Stephens.
- Yes, Liza.
- Mrs.
Stephens? - Yes? My name is Marvin Grogan.
They call me Monster.
- How are you? - I'm fine, thank you.
And you? Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Mrs.
Stephens, I believe that was your husband who just left.
- That's right.
- Well, a woman named Liza Randall was seated next to him.
- I know that too.
Very, very next to him.
Now that you mention it, it did catch my eye.
I don't know how disturbed you are but it might interest you to know I'm very disturbed.
I don't think there's really anything to be disturbed about.
You'll pardon me if I disagree with you? One, Liza Randall is engaged to me.
Two, we have a standing date every Saturday morning, which she broke to go shopping with her mother, which we both know she didn't do.
Three, she's made it very plain that she's out to get your husband.
Well, I really don't think it's that serious.
Four, this is not the first time a situation like this has come up.
You see, Liza has what you call a mother complex, only with fathers.
Five, what Liza Randall wants, Liza Randall gets.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless you come up with a better suggestion I have decided to break your husband in half.
Why don't you come inside, Monster.
I think you're right.
There's definitely something to be disturbed about.
Once the preliminary sketches are made, and we get together with our copywriters and artists, we see if we can't improve upon them.
And of course we have photographic layout.
Do many women pose for you? Well, for the photographers, actually.
Your wife is very jealous, isn't she? No more or less than any woman.
Have you known many women? Liza, did you come down here to study advertising techniques or to ask me personal questions that are none of your business? You're a very sensitive man.
Well, you could say that, yes.
Sensitive men are exciting.
They're so So - Sensitive.
- Yes.
Yes.
Now why don't we get into some examples of overall composition.
All right.
Would you like another stack of pancakes, Monster? No, thank you, Mrs.
Stephens.
Eight or nine stacks are all I can go.
I ate all your sausage and bacon too.
I got a lot of hostility, I guess.
Well, I'd rather you attack my icebox than my husband anytime.
- Are you feeling better? - Pretty good.
Except that when I get emotional, I burn up an awful lot of sugar.
I get a sweet tooth.
- You got any pie? - Yes, I think so.
- What kind of pie do you prefer? - I'm very fond of apple.
Well, it seems I recall a fresh-baked apple pie.
But I'm crazy about banana cream.
Oh, well, aren't you lucky? It isn't apple at all.
But banana cream is pretty rich.
So I stick with apple when I'm in training.
Wonderful.
Which I'm not at the moment.
Half apple and half banana cream? Stephens' specialty, Monster.
Enjoy yourself and let your conscience be your guide.
Now, as you can see by this analysis curve the public's taste changes with the times.
It isn't enough for an advertising man to have imagination he has to have a sympathetic eye and ear to what the public wants and what they need.
A product's success depends upon its public acceptance which depends on an image created for that product by an advertising executive.
Take clothing styles, for instance.
A different designer dominates the field each year.
Cheers.
Then the public chooses one above all the others.
Now, of course, what we have - What's in that drink? - Root beer.
- Root beer and what? - Scotch.
Scotch? - What's that? - Gin.
Gin? Give me that! Oh, for heaven's sake.
There's a towel over there.
Will you get it for me, please? You ought to be spanked.
- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
I wish you wouldn't talk to me as if I were 12 years old.
You're absolutely right, I do apologize.
A 12-year-old child would have more sense than to pull a foolish stunt like that.
- You do that.
- That's all right, I don't mind.
I would like to be your father for five minutes.
I wouldn't care for that at all.
I like being who I am, and I like you the way you are.
Never mind.
Just put water on the towel and soak the gin out of your dress.
You know how zealously we guard our corporate image, Tate.
The keynote of all our advertising is dignity.
Oh, by all means, dignity.
And let me assure you, Mr.
Austen your campaign is going to be designed by one of our most talented and dignified account executives.
- That's good to hear.
- I'm glad we saw his car downstairs.
He often comes into the office on Saturdays.
He's an extremely dedicated young man.
- I'd like to have you meet him.
- Be happy to.
Listen to me, young lady, enough of this nonsense.
- We haven't done a thing.
- We have done all we're going to Oh, look out! - Hi, Larry.
- I think we are intruding.
Oh, I don't think so.
Mr.
Johnson, have you seen Darrin Stephens this morning? No, I haven't.
But when I do, I'll tell him you were looking for him.
Thank you.
Nice to see you again, Mrs.
Johnson.
- All right, let's go.
- Isn't that cute? He married us.
You have all the material you need for a truly fascinating thesis.
We're leaving by way of the freight elevator.
- Who will break the news to your wife? - Move.
And so you see, Monster, it's easy to understand why an impressionable girl like Liza would be momentarily smitten by a man like my husband.
Maturity has its own fascination.
I guess so.
If I were you, I'd just forget all about it.
I haven't thought about Liza for half an hour.
- That's a record for me.
- That's wonderful.
Listening to you, it suddenly comes to me what a child she is immature and like that.
- Well, she's still very young, Monster.
Yes, she is, and I realize that now.
And like you say, maturity sure is fascinating.
You're beginning to look hungry again.
I think I'll fix you something to eat.
Mrs.
Stephens, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I am getting hungry again.
I want you to know this has been the most fascinating morning of my life.
Well, I'll tell you the truth, Monster.
It's a fascinating morning for me too.
I certainly hope you mean that.
Monster! Oh, please control yourself.
Please don't do anything rash.
- What's that I smell all over you? - Gin.
Monster, this is my husband.
Darrin, this is Marvin Grogan.
They call him Monster.
- Gin? - That's right.
That's Scotch, if I ever smelled anything.
The Scotch is on me, the gin is on Liza.
How do you do, Monster? Well, what are you doing with Scotch all over you and gin all over Liza? - We just started to have a simple drink.
- A drink? No one had a drink, simple or otherwise.
We merely spilled it on ourselves.
There, you see? Perfectly innocent.
Okay.
I burned up a lot of sugar on account of you.
I came over here to bruise you up, Mr.
Stephens.
You have no right to spy on me, Mr.
Grogan.
- It's a free country and I'm a citizen.
- Perfectly free, as far as I'm concerned.
- May I have my hand back? - Okay.
Pleased to meet you.
I have since learned that there's no maturity and fascination between us thanks to Samantha here.
- Samantha? Pay no attention to him, Darrin.
What does he mean "Samantha"? Don't let this big clod bother you, Darrin.
Listen to me, both of you.
It's time you went about your own business.
- But my thesis.
- Lf you have more questions submit them in writing.
- But, Darrin - No buts.
Goodbye and good luck.
- Thank you.
Goodbye, Samantha.
Well, that's quite a conquest you've made there.
Well, he's really quite a nice young man.
Oh, I suppose under all that sinew and tendon beats a heart of pure protein.
Oh, Darrin.
Oh, Darrin, what? Well, I mean, you're Oh, Darrin, you're not I mean I mean what I mean.
You say what you've got to say.
You're jealous.
Don't be ridiculous.
Me, jealous of a Typical American schoolkid with freckles, short socks and sneakers.
Well, I I suppose you're pretty proud of yourself? She's a very charming person.
Something that you don't have the faintest idea how to be.
Well, what's so unusual about having charm? It comes with age, like wrinkles.
You're jealous! Me, jealous? You've got to be kidding! Sure, Liza Randall, the most irresistible thing to come along since Brigitte Bardot.
You're jealous.
Don't you laugh at me, you monster, or so help me.
I want you to know I'm really very flattered by this whole thing.
You should be.
Liza happens to be an extremely pretty girl.
I was talking about Monster.
We had quite a morning.
- He was here all morning? - Oh, yes, he arrived just after you left.
He wanted to break you in half.
Only my charm and three square meals kept you in one piece.
I want you to know I put up quite a valiant fight myself today.
Oh, really? It was touch-and-go there for a moment.
Touch what and go where? Are you telling me it wasn't you who lured him to his office it was him that lured you? - Monster, it was his idea, I swear.
- Liza, if you're lying - lf my project wasn't so important I'd have gone shopping with my mother.
- That does it.
- Oh, Monster! I don't mind telling you that child got aggressive.
Child? That's as fully developed a woman as I've seen in many a day.
You said she was a typical American schoolkid.
It doesn't matter.
You must've given her encouragement.
I did nothing of the kind.
I was explaining the rise and fall of a public-acceptance survey chart.
She tried to get me drunk.
Do you really expect me to believe that? Of course I do, as much as you expect me to believe you were protecting me from Marvin all morning.
- Well, I was.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
That big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.
- What did you say? - I said, he wouldn't hurt a flea.
You said I was ridiculous.
- Who said you were ridiculous? Me? - Yes.
That's what you said.
- Let's not fight about it.
- Well, that's exactly what you're doing.
I'm not fighting.
This is no fight.
You're fighting.
It takes two to make a fight.
You started it, that's one.
And you started it with me, that's two.
Don't be ridiculous.
All I said was that big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.
Monster, don't lose your temper.
I'm not gonna lose my temper.
I'm merely gonna teach him that when a man has a wife like Samantha he shouldn't go after a girl like Liza, who's got a boyfriend like me.
- Now, listen to me.
- Now, Darrin, don't fight with him.
I've had enough of this silly farce.
Now, what is it you intend to do? - I intend to close your jaw.
- You and who else? Darrin, no.
Well, have you had enough? Why don't you try one there.
Oh, my hands.
Oh, let me see, Monster.
You ruined his hands, he may never make another pass.
- I don't think that'll stop him.
- I think she means football.
Oh, you monster.
Let's get out of here, Liza.
I gotta go soak my hands.
Come on, Marvin.
Hey, that's the first time you've ever called me Marvin.
Why did you let that little girl hit me? Well, sweetheart, all things considered, it was the least I could do.
You're still angry, aren't you? Why would you say that? All right, you're surrounded.
Throw down your magic, and come out with your hands up.