Big Nate (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1
- All right, line 'em up.
- Cell phones.
None of us had them.
None of us understood them.
But if there was one thing
we kids at P.S. 38 knew
about cell phones,
it was that eighth graders
were obsessed with them.
- Oh, my gosh.
You look so cute.
- I don't know.
I think my eyes look--
um, do you mind?
You're fogging up my screen.
- Sorry.
- Anyway, did you see
Chelsea's selfie this morning?
Huh?
- [chuckles]
Ahh!
[thuds]
- It's creative expression day
today,
a chance to let your
creative minds run wild.
Uh
[phones clicking]
- [chuckles]
[quirky noises]
- I mean,
what could be more important
than artistic self-expression?
Well, I had to find out.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[crash]
[upbeat music]
- Hey. Did you guys hear?
Randy got a cell phone.
[phone rings]
[monkey sounds]
- What?
Who does he even have to call?
His probation officer?
- [scoffs] He probably uses it
to take pictures of his butt.
[sighs]
I never get
to take pictures of my butt.
[groans]
- [whistles]
- Hey, Francis?
- Huh?
- You've been
awfully quiet today.
What's up?
- Me? Quiet?
No, no.
I was just thinking.
What do we need
cell phones for?
We're kids.
We talk to each other
and our moms and dads.
Plus,
you know what's really cool?
The mail.
both: Hmm.
[buzzing]
- Uh, did you guys hear that?
- No. I mean, it was nothing.
[buzzing]
- [gasps] Francis has a phone!
[both gasp]
- OK. Fine.
Yes, I have a cell phone,
but my parents
gave it to me strictly
for emergency use only.
- Francis, my man, my hombre.
This is an emergency.
- Yeah, you know,
Teddy's right.
I mean, what's the point
of having a cell phone
if you can't
make poor decisions with it?
[dramatic tone]
- Whoa.
Hey, leave my best friend
Francis alone.
What's the pixel
count on the camera?
I need new headshots.
- Guys, I'm serious.
The phone only unlocks when
it detects my heart rate soar
over 150 beats per minute.
My parents are very concerned
when it comes to my safety,
and they have a point.
You'd be surprised
at the situations
I find myself in.
Somebody do something!
Ahh!
When I'm in my highest
state of panic,
this ankle sensor will turn
red and flashing,
thereby unlocking my phone
and--
oh, no.
I've said too much, haven't I?
You can only imagine
what happened next.
- [evil laughter]
Not gonna work, Teddy.
Got over my clown phobia
months ago.
- [crying]
[scoffs, chuckles]
Psst, Zora,
it's Francis's birthday today.
- Oh, his birthday?
Then I will prepare
him some brains.
[chuckling]
[squish, plop]
- [laughs] Eat up, my friend.
It's good for you.
- Nice try, Nate,
but I learned to appreciate
cow brain when I sojourned
with my parents in Morocco.
[slurps] Mmm.
Love a good frontal lobe.
- [grumbles]
- [gasps]
The zombie apocalypse,
it's here!
It's here, Francis!
Oh, no. [gasps]
I think I've been bitten!
- [loud chewing]
- By the acting bug? Yes.
By a zombie? No.
- Aw, man.
- Well?
- It's hopeless.
If I can't scare Francis
with my amazing acting chops,
no one can.
- Do you guys even
hear yourselves?
As today has proven,
this phone brings out
the worst in people.
The only thing to do
is to destroy it
once and for all.
all: [in slow motion] No!
[dramatic music]
[shatters]
[buzzes]
- Phone unlocked.
all: It's mine!
[grunting]
- What have I done?
And that's how
my friends became
insatiable phone goblins.
- I'm sorry. What?
- [groans]
[upbeat music]
- [giggling]
[fart noise]
[fart sounds
set to techno music]
[laughter]
[phone buzzes]
- [laughs]
Mondays.
Very funny and relatable.
[mischievous chuckle]
Huh?
[texts dinging]
Wh--wait, no.
[stammers]
Ahh!
Ahh!
Gah!
[laughter]
- That was good, wasn't it?
- I'm Dr. Lagaze.
I think I know acting
and have a doctorate
in stinky produce.
Bleh.
[laughter]
- OK, guess who I am.
I'm Mr. Galvin,
and I'm so old, I poop dust.
Oops.
I just dusted in my pants.
[laughter]
Francis, you do Coach John.
- You guys are
playing with fire.
You could get busted.
You could end up in detention.
- Dude, I have my own desk
in detention.
- I am Coach John,
and I have a flower on my head.
[scats] Flower on my head.
- Hah. Sick burn, buddy.
- OK, OK, OK.
My turn. My turn.
I'm creature teacher,
Mrs. Godfrey.
I hate everybody except Gina.
I love Gina.
[scoffs]
[laughter]
Think fast, Francis.
- [grunts] Ugh.
[laughter]
[dramatic music]
[tense electronic music]
[dramatic music]
[laughter]
[jazzy music]
- There he is.
[laughter]
- Why is everyone
staring at us?
- Oh, that?
Yeah, it's just
the cell phone effect.
Yep, we're in another class
of cool now, Francis.
- That's the dude.
- Yeah, I'm not feeling
coolness vibes.
- Yeah, and they're not
staring at us.
They're staring at you, Nate.
- Well, yeah. I mean, duh.
I'm awesome. - [laughter]
Nate and Gina
sitting in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.
[laughs]
[thuds]
[grunts]
- What in the walking nightmare
is he talking about?
[laughter]
- Hey, guys, what's so funny?
- You mean you haven't seen it?
- I looove Gina.
I looove Gina.
I looove Gina.
[dramatic music]
I looove Gina.
[laughter]
I looove Gina.
[laughter]
[SCREAMS]
- Dee Dee, over here!
This'll keep him quiet.
- [screams]
Francis, how could
you let this happen?
- Me?
- It's your phone.
- Hey, I warned you.
I told you the phone was
just for emergencies.
- Yeah, well that's
what this is, Einstein.
I have to set the record
straight, and fast.
- Three words for you Nate.
Vi. Ral. Video.
[upbeat electronic music]
[chaotic noises]
- [grunts]
Look, we already did that,
and look how that turned out.
- Exactly.
We have to out viral
the old viral with a new viral.
- Ahh!
- Hmm. All set.
And action.
- [clear throat]
I, Nate Wright,
definitely do not love
Gina Hemphill-Toms.
In fact, I hate her guts.
I think she's a butt brain,
and her breath smells
like dragon farts.
[farting sounds]
- Very convincing, Nate.
- Yeah. It's probably because
I really hate Gina's guts.
I'm method.
You got all that, Dee Dee?
- Yup.
Just sent it out
into the great wide web.
What happens next
is out of our hands.
[tense electronic music]
[upbeat dance music]
- I love Gina Hemphill-Toms.
I love her guts.
I love her brain,
and she's a love dragon!
That is not what I said.
Francis, how could
you let this happen?
- Oh, for the love of--
- Why?
Phone, why?
- You have to admit that
the song is super catchy.
- Do I, Kim Cressley,
have a crush on Nate Wright?
- Yeah, that wasn't
the question at all.
- Crush doesn't even begin
to do my feelings justice.
[sultry jazz music]
Nate and Kim's tongues
intertwined like two snakes
forming an ouroboros
of prepubescent passion
as they moved--
- Huh.
Why are my gym socks
always disappearing?
- Mmm. [chuckles]
[sniffs, sighs]
I do.
I do too, my darling.
If anyone has any objections,
speak now.
[door clangs open]
Stop the wedding.
[dramatic music]
[groans]
Pleasant dreams.
[crunching]
- I swear it's a true story.
- Ugh!
- Come out of there, Nate.
It's not all that bad.
- No!
- Come on. Who knows?
Maybe you'll find out
that you do love Gina.
- [groans]
- Nate, you've got company.
[locker creaks]
- Hey.
- [gasps]
[dramatic music]
Oh. Hey, Kim.
- You, me, Gina, after school.
- Huh.
What do you think
she meant by that?
- Oh, yeah. She's gonna murder
you guys after school.
I thought she was pretty clear.
- Wait, wait.
What?
- Better warn Gina.
- No. Are you crazy?
I can't face Gina right now.
- Think about it, Nate.
If you two are gone,
it'll destroy the delicate
balance that is PS 38.
Who will suck up
to Mrs. Godfrey if not Gina?
Whose crazy ideas
will we follow if not yours?
- We can always follow mine.
I've written most of them
down on my thighs.
- Dee Dee's right.
I gotta find Gina
before school lets out.
- She usually spends
her free sixth period
tutoring students
in Mrs. Godfrey's room.
- Lame.
- As do I.
- Right.
Yeah. [chuckles]
So sorry.
- Whoa!
- [panting] Come on.
We're almost there.
[dramatic music]
- Nate Wright.
This room is reserved
for A, gifted tutors,
B, hard-working students who
want to improve their grades.
You are C, none of the above.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Godfrey.
I really need to speak to Gina.
- I saw the video.
Gina is too good for you,
maggot.
- Oh, hey.
I think I see
a kid misbehaving.
- What? What? Where?
Where's my bat?
Nate Wright!
- Oh.
- is equal to X.
- Gina!
- Huh?
- [panting] Ahh!
- What do you want, jerk face?
- I know this
is gonna sound crazy,
but if you don't leave
with me now,
you could get hurt.
- You want me to run away
with you, Nate Wright?
That's, uh, so--
stupid.
[school bell rings]
[door knob rattles]
- Nate Wright!
- Ahh!
- [sniffs, blows]
[dramatic music]
- Look, we--
we don't have much time.
Can you just trust me?
- And why should I trust you?
- Would I be spending
my time talking to you
right now if something
wasn't terribly wrong?
- Point taken.
- OK. Let's go.
- Ahh!
- When you
finally open this door--
Wait!
Nate Wright will drag you down
into the mud of mediocrity!
- Wait, you got a bike?
- Far too dangerous. I carpool.
- [sighs] I'm guessing
you don't have
a helmet then, either.
- Of course I do.
I have to protect my big brain.
- [scoffs]
Yeah, more like butt brain.
Hop on.
- Hmm.
[yelps]
Ahh!
[energetic rock music]
[scooter engine revs]
What does she want?
- She has a huge crush on me,
and she thinks
I'm in love with you.
- That's crazy. Oh!
- Yeah, I know.
- Ahh!
[button beeps]
Ahh!
- Not a dime,
I can't pay my rent
I can barely make it
through the day
- Good afternoon,
Mr. Andopolis.
- Ahh!
- Come by later, Nate,
and I'll save you a dog.
Whoa.
- I'm always working,
saving, everyday
Got to get a break
- Spitsy! I told you once,
I told you--
Ahh!
- You never saw me.
- Mmph.
- Hey.
- This is what I'd say
Don't need nothing
but a good time
- She's still behind us.
- Hold on.
I'm gonna make
a tight turn here.
- How can I resist?
Ain't looking for nothing
[Gina screams]
But a good time
- Let's go in there!
- No, no, no, no.
They don't have a back door.
Trust me.
I get chased a lot.
[Gina screams]
- They say I spend my money
on women and wine
But I couldn't tell you
where I spent last night
I'm real sorry about
the shape I'm in
- Facing certain doom again,
little bro?
- [chuckles] Always.
- I'm always working,
saving every day
Got to get a break
from the same old, same old
I need a chance
just to get away
- [laughs] I think we lost her.
- Hey.
both: Ahh!
- Don't need
nothing but a good time
[both scream]
- See, kids?
This is why you wear a helmet.
Oof!
[dramatic music]
- So why does Kim think
you're in love with me?
- Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't see those
humiliating videos of me?
- Oh, I stay away
from cell phones.
They've been shown
to have a ravaging
effect on middle schoolers'
developing brains.
- You know, that checks out.
- Hey.
[both scream]
- When we hadn't heard
from Nate in a while,
we started to worry.
[squirrel chatters]
If we're going
to find Nate and Gina,
we have to get into
the mind of Kim.
- Or we could read her blog.
It's fascinating stuff.
- [laughs]
Ugh. [groans]
- All right.
Here's the most recent post.
"I've made all
the necessary arrangements.
"Yes, today promises
to be a day
"that Nate and Gina
will never forget.
Not only will I have my cake,
I'll eat it too."
[screaming]
- Oh man, oh man.
They are so dead!
Kim's probably filling
their lifeless husk
with b-b-buttercream right now!
- OK. OK. Don't panic.
When I played obsessed
Dr. Prudence Jenkins
in the play "Love Me Deadly,"
Prudence always brought
her victims to the basement.
That's probably where Kim's
keeping Nate and Gina.
We have got to save them before
she turns them into cake.
- Mmm, cake.
[phone beeps]
- [gasps]
Battery's down to 13%?
OK, no more messing around.
From now on, my phone
is just for emergencies.
- Unfortunately, I had gotten
addicted to a phone game
called "Ice Cream Headache 2."
[chaotic dinging]
[jazzy music]
[tablet beeps, alarm blares]
- Mr. Pope,
something strange is going on
with Francis' phone.
- Now, now, now,
it's not time to freak out
just yet, Mrs. Pope.
We'll just monitor him
closely like we always do.
- I was about to reach the
Malt Shop Migraine level
when--
[phone beeps]
[flat line beeps]
all: Ahh!
- What does this mean,
Mr. Pope?
Our baby. Is he--
- If anybody's hurt our boy,
so help me,
Mrs. Pope, I'll just show
the world a side of me
it's never seen.
- Mr. Pope, your rugged man
musk is very intoxicating,
but I can't afford
to get distracted right now.
I'm calling the police.
[line rings]
[ominous music]
- Any last words?
- Yes. [clears throat]
Mrs. Speaker, Mrs. President,
Mrs. Vice President,
fellow citizens--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry I asked.
- Hey.
[both scream]
We need to talk.
- You're not going to kill us?
- I'm not a violent person,
usually.
I just want an honest answer
about what's going on
between you two.
- Well, I don't like Gina.
I hate her guts!
- Nate and I are sworn enemies.
My greatest wish in life
is that he gets condemned
to detention for all eternity!
[laughs]
- Good.
Now that that's
been cleared up,
it's time
for a tea slash dance party.
[upbeat music]
- I wear tight clothing,
high-heeled shoes
- Let the music
feed your souls.
Tonight we feast!
[rumbling]
[Nate and Gina scream]
- Oh, hear that?
She's a killer and a cannibal.
[laughter]
- Where did you find such
an amazing selection of tea?
[laughter]
- Finally, a real emergency
and my phone's dead.
I don't understand.
None of us have been using it.
- [whistles]
- Oh, God.
[hyperventilates]
- Look at me, Francis.
Buddy, relax.
We're not dead yet.
- Here. Breathe into this.
Sorry if it smells
like baloney.
- [hyperventilating]
It does smell like baloney.
- Guys, you have to see this.
- Why, oh, why
- Hey.
- [all shout]
I know you came for
the imaginary tea and cake,
but I hope you'll stay
for the friendship.
Earl Gray or cherry blossom?
- Uh, cherry blossom.
- Very good choice.
It's a beguiling blend
of sweet and savory.
[imitates pouring]
Don't burn your tongue.
- Don't be so shallow
Free your mind
and the rest will follow
[laughter]
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, come on, everybody.
It's cool.
Friends for stuffed animals.
These guys are great.
- Good tea. Nice party.
- Cash
It really doesn't mean
that all my credit's bad
[laughter]
- Everybody freeze!
Which one of you is Francis?
- Oh, good.
More guests.
Afternoon tea?
- Now I've seen it all.
- Francis.
- Our baby's alive.
We were so worried.
- I've only been
missing for an hour.
- You all have some
'splaining to do.
[dramatic jazzy music]
- This is all Nate Wright's
fault.
Trouble follows him
wherever he goes.
- Please. I can't have this
on my permanent record.
I'll never get into
medical school.
I didn't even
want a cell phone!
- OK, I admit it.
I'm a sick, sick man.
I need help.
Lock me up
and never let me play
"Ice Cream Headache 2" again.
- Gram was right.
New technology
is the devil's work.
- I can reach my seven devoted
followers on the computer.
What would I need
a cell phone for?
- Have the tabloids been
tipped off to this story?
What? There's no such thing
as bad publicity in show biz.
- Please.
You gotta let me go, man.
I've learned my lesson,
all right?
I'm not mature enough
to have a cell phone.
- [chuckles]
Relax, kid.
You're not in trouble.
That Francis kid's
parents insisted
we get the full story.
Man, those people are intense.
- Wait, so I'm free?
- Well, you were
never not free, so--
- I'm free. Whoo-hoo!
Take that!
Johnny Law's got nothing on me.
- Again, you could have
left whenever you wanted.
- Oh, no.
You can try to bring me
down as much as you want,
but justice always prevails.
Freedom!
Freedom!
- Well Francis,
I promise to keep my paws
off your cell phone.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- Uh, nah.
I don't make promises
I can't keep.
- It's OK, Teddy.
My parents and I
actually decided
that I don't need a cell phone.
- Instead we're getting
a chip implanted
right into our son's brain.
- That way we can be
more hands-off, you know?
- You know, I could use some
real friends in my life.
I've ripped the heads off
most of my imaginary ones.
- I know what you mean.
We could have another
tea slash dance party
or if you want
to go really extreme,
a tea slash dance party
slash sleepover.
- I'd like that.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Cool.
[scooter engine revs]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- We better give
you two some space.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't leave me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't.
Argh.
Hi, butt brain.
- Hey, jerk breath.
Look, I promise I'll make
sure people at school
know you don't like me.
- Hey, you know what?
Let them think what they think.
All that matters
is that you and I
know how we really feel
about each other.
You're a grade-A suck up!
- And you're a brain dead
loser!
both: Until next time.
[fart sounds
set to techno music]