Black Monday (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
2
1 It's Showtime tonight WAYNE: Previously on Black Monday - Whoa! - TOSH: We thought you might call the wedding off after your whole engagement party fiasco.
- Oh! - What? - Oh! - Oh, my God! [ALL SCREAM.]
[LAUGHS.]
As if, slut! - [SCREAMS.]
- BLAIR: I found these at the Georginas' apartment.
They must have kidnapped Tiff themselves.
MISSY MILLS: We want Maurice Monroe, and you are gonna give him to us.
I want a divorce.
Blair is in love with me, and I think I'm falling for him, too.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[TIFFANY'S "I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" PLAYING.]
They don't understand and so they Keep asking if this whole thing's a gaffe How'd such a catch end up with a Pfaff? I said no-sevelt to a Roosevelt That Hearst was the worst Almost had a child with a Rothschild And Anderson Cooper Oof.
[SIGHS.]
I still can't believe you left Spencer for Blair.
You love bitches more than Billie Jean King.
Do you work on these at home? - No.
- No? - Whatever.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes on the toilet.
- Okay.
What I'm saying is, if these guys are your type, what'd you ever see in me? You are the biggest bitch of all.
You're afraid of love.
[LAUGHS.]
I said no to a Devin, an Evan, and a Kevin And don't even get me started on the Davids Don't worry, none of them were Jews Did you know the song that knocked this song out of the number one spot was also a Shondells cover, "Mony Mony.
" The '80s suck.
Yeah, well, did you know that I paid good "mony mony" to a girl named Shondell to put my number one in her spot? I dare you to tell the truth one time.
Red or white? Or I could mix 'em.
You strike me as a pink guy.
- What the fuck are you talking - You know what? Take your time.
We're not going anywhere.
YASSIR: Uh, can I order something? WAYNE: Caterers are terrible.
Blair's not alone now They say he wants my money But he won't get shit Babe, this is really - good.
- Right? I'll tell you what: Tiffany better look out, 'cause there's a new Tiffany in town who can butcher other people's songs even better.
That means a lot.
You know how important - malls are to me.
- Yeah.
In fact, can I get your autograph? Oh, my God.
Of course! Ah, no, seriously, though, just while I got you - What's this now? - Um it's just, you know, normal wedding paperwork.
Uh, we got a marriage license, we got a power of attorney - Power of attorney? - Well, I mean, wouldn't you rather I take care of all that boring financial junk so you can focus on all your important, you know, stuff you do during the daytime? - I mean, I am so busy - Yeah, I know.
But I can't sign that.
I'm sorry.
While I got you, there is something I kind of need you to sign.
Well, what's this now? [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.]
HENRI: Yeah! Thank you, Tiffany, and thank you, Dawn, - for hosting this rehearsal dinner.
- Let me tell you something.
I am not afraid of love, Dawn.
- Mm.
- I'm not.
In fact, I was gonna do this whole fucking thing with you.
W-what? What? What's that supposed to mean? I was gonna propose, okay? Bullshit.
I I had the goddamn ring and everything, Dawn.
- Oh, yeah? Okay, yeah? - Okay, yeah.
- I was gonna do all of it.
- All right, when? That night we went horseback riding upstate.
We never went horseback riding upstate.
- Exactly.
- What's that supposed to mean? Oh, thanks to Maurice for coming up with this last-second wedding venue for tomorrow after we lost our spot at the Plaza during Tiff's and Blair's brief rumspringa.
Is this Is this You want me to sign a prenup? Okay, calm down.
My daddy will not let me marry you without it.
He's very protective over his money.
I mean, who cares, really? Unless our entire [LAUGHS.]
11-year relationship was just a big ruse for you to get your hands on Georgina Jeans.
[LAUGHS.]
It's insane.
To true love.
- Aww.
- ALL: True love.
[APPLAUSE.]
["I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" BY THE SHONDELLS PLAYING.]
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Children behave That's what they say when we're together And watch how you play [SNIFFS.]
They don't understand, and so ["SPRING" BY ANTONIO VIVALDI PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
- What are you talking about? - [LAUGHS.]
Do you want to? I mean, if you want to go, - we can go.
- DAWN: Okay.
- BLAIR: Yeah? - DAWN: Yeah.
Don't forget to pull out, Dawn.
Don't worry, babe.
He's just mad that I got the girl.
You know what they say: "They don't always leave with the ones they came in with.
" You know what else they say.
"You'd have to be one dumb hick fuck to be messing around with your girlfriend when you're about to marry someone else in order to pull off a year-long long con with 60 mil on the line, you dumb hick fuck.
" You don't hear that one quite as much.
Different circles.
Apparently.
ALL: Hey! - DAWN: Hey.
- YASSIR: Hey.
- For you.
- Thank you.
- Yum? - No, thanks.
I'm off champagne since I drove home from my divorce-iversary - and hit-and-run'd a - [COUGHS LOUDLY.]
- deer - Oh.
Friend of my father's.
[COUGHS.]
Keith, he's telling a sweet story.
Sorry, asthma.
My whole life.
KEITH: Probably wondering, "Hey, why haven't I ever heard about that?" Well, it's, uh it's a good story and a long one, so buckle up Nobody gives a shit, Keith.
- At all.
- BLAIR: seconded.
Okay, champagne for a sham marriage.
To the Georgina [COUGHS VIOLENTLY.]
ALL: Georgina play Uh, well, I'd like to, uh to thank all of my groomsmen - with a little something - Mm.
Inspired by the man who brought us all together.
For you - And for the grooms-lady.
- Yes.
You said all your groomsmen.
You ain't got nothing for old Mo? You already have one.
- YASSIR: Oh, my God! - WAYNE: Holy shit! It's Mo's lucky watch! - No.
- This is his exact watch.
This is not my goddamn watch.
You cannot buy my watch.
My watch is custom-made.
Yeah, as are these very detailed replicas, which I call Mo-lexes.
- DAWN: Mo-lex? - BLAIR: Yeah, just a little something to remind us of the greatest lesson we've all learned from you, Mo.
Fuck 'em all.
Fuck 'em all.
ALL: Fuck 'em all! DAWN: Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, all right, my little crime lords and Traci Lords.
Let's get those shares that you parked [COUGHS VIOLENTLY.]
Jesus, take it outside, Keith, before we all catch bald.
- DAWN: Eww.
- Oh, Keith, give me those shares that you parked.
[COUGHS.]
Dust.
[HACKS.]
And here are the shares that I parked with Spencer.
Got 'em in the divorce.
Only cost me our Airplane! We had a tough time dividing up our Betamax collection.
- Oh, babe.
- I know.
DAWN: So including our shell companies, we are at 45%.
Six percent more from Tiff when you guys get hitched, and we will have a score that makes Warren Buffet look like Warren Snack.
[DAWN AND BLAIR LAUGH.]
DAWN: That would've landed if he would pronounce his name "buffet" like a real man.
- No, no, no, babe, it landed.
- You got it? BLAIR: Yeah, I got it.
So, what's everyone gonna do with their money? I'm buying myself a new Limbo.
Come on, Mo.
I'm also gonna pick up that red Keith Haring series I've had my eye on for years.
Come on, Mo.
Okay, can we not get distracted by red Harings and focus? DAWN: Right now, Blair, it's on you, baby.
All good in the municipality, except for, uh, just just one just one tiny, teeny little thing.
Oh, Blair's getting cold feet.
Here we go.
It's not time for cold feet.
It's time for hot feet, like Downtown Julie Brown-hot feet.
Like, Oh, my God, what I wouldn't give to take those little piggies to market.
Feet meat.
Yeah, Wayne, feet meat.
Yes! No, no.
No, it's just Tiff's dad wants me to sign this, like, just really silly little prenup thing before we get married.
Come on, for real, Blair? MO: Goddamn it.
Do you have any idea what it's taken for me to get where I am? [LAUGHS.]
Any idea? I have shed blood, sweat, and tears.
I have unearthed secrets, got winded and fired.
You're just listing bands.
MO: It doesn't fucking matter! What here's what I'm saying.
You want to sit in the big chair, Blair, you better bring a goddamn flashlight, 'cause it gets dark.
This is the Geor-jeana Play, not the Geor-jyna Play.
You know why I'm saying Geor-jyna? When I look down, does it help you understand why I'm pronouncing it "jeye-na"? - MO: Do you know what I'm saying? - That I have a vagina.
MO: Exactly.
You got some balls? You go fucking prove it.
Show me! Go get it! DAWN: You go get it, baby! - Hey, Dawn? - Yeah.
Goofy and Mickey called.
Fuck you.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
KEITH: Ooh, ooh, ladies, please, please.
I'm just one man.
[HISSING ON RECORDER.]
The fuck is this? I don't know.
It must be my, uh, magnetic personality.
You think we're bluffing? I will go right now and pull your son out of whatever class he's flunking.
And I'll pull your boyfriend out of whatever ass he's fucking.
Deb, we talked about this.
- Sorry, I thought you were setting me up.
- No.
You're out of chances, Keith.
Get Mo on tape today.
Okay, he's gonna figure out I'm wearing a fucking wire.
I look like Teddy Ruxpeen down there.
Well, you better try, because we're gonna have eyes on you all day and your stupid fucking peen.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we gotta get back to the kitchen.
The lobster is not gonna bisque itself, and Todd is riding my hide.
Who's Todd? Our cater captain.
TIFF: I know they say silicone's bad for you, but these saltwater jugs are sloshing around like my driver's ed teacher's water bed.
- Oh, I'm jealous.
- RIP.
Can you just stuff them in? - We gotta jet.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- BLAIR: Uh, Tiff? [GASPS.]
Blair! Oh, my God, you can't see my dress before the ceremony! My eyes are closed.
I just I need to talk to you.
It's important.
Ladies, can you give us the room? We'll meet you in the horse-drawn carriage.
- Okay.
- Ooh, shotgun.
On the horse? Jesus.
Oh, sorry.
BLAIR: Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- [BLAIR SIGHS.]
- Hello? Oh, God, did somebody else come in the room now? No, I mean hello as in "talk, monkey.
" TIFF: I will provide visual context as necessary.
Go.
So the real reason that Mo hired me after no one else would is because he is the reason no one else would.
He tricked me into working for him so he could take over your dad's company.
I didn't know about it, but but I do now, and [SIGHS.]
I don't know, Tiff.
I think maybe we should do it Ow! God.
Even with my eyes closed, I should've seen that coming.
Are you insane? How could you do this to me, and my dad he has treated you like a son.
Sure, in the way that dads are super cold to their sons to try to get them to stop acting like such pussies, but still, how could you betray my family? Tiff, they betrayed you! They're the ones who were behind your kidnapping! Okay, what? Uh, y think about it.
Georgina has been losing money for years, and since you got snatched, sales have quadrupled, and [SIGHS.]
And I found the magazines they cut the letters out of for the ransom note.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm I'm really sorry.
I mean, I-I They have been talking a lot lately about a game-changer, like Calvin Klein's Brooke Shields child porn campaign.
Oh, my God.
- Tiff, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no.
- Jesus.
- Okay, let's just open - open your eyes.
- BOTH: Okay.
You look really beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
I really want to cry, but my makeup artist Karina charges by the lash.
What the hell? Pretty sure this wedding's fucked anyways.
I'm sorry.
At least maybe some good can come out of this now.
What? Money.
A lot of money.
And to be honest, I I think this wedding has been fucked for a long time.
[SCOFFS.]
There's one more thing I have to tell you.
[SIGHS.]
What the fuck is taking them so long? Pssh, whatever it is, it's on you.
On me? How is it on me? - This is your plan.
- My plan? My plan did not involve you fucking him.
What happened to your "I don't date coworkers" thing? Went right out the window, right? Thank God I didn't propose to you, you flip-flopper.
You're really sticking with this whole imaginary horseback proposal, aren't you? Never even been on a horse, unless you count that tight end from the Colts, or that wide receiver from the Broncos, and then there was that quarterback from the Raiders.
A raider is not a type of horse.
This one was.
You know what? You're right.
We never had the horseback ride.
You know why? Because we broke up.
You remember when we were at my lake house, and you said you wanted to go buy that little antique ring that you saw the day before, and I said, "Don't do it, Dawn.
You can't really afford it on your salary"? Then we had the whole "make me a partner dance" that was all the rage for us literally.
Well, the reason I made the comment was because I went out and bought that ring the night before when you were asleep so that I could surprise you on the horseback ride that I had to cancel 'cause you stormed out.
That's the fucking truth.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
Bullshit.
[SCOFFS.]
Marquis cut, pavé band, more baguettes than Gerard Depardieu's colon.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
I should've known.
Maybe I sort of did.
It all makes so much sense now.
[SNIFFLES.]
BLAIR: I'm so sorry, and if if you wanna call off the wedding, I I don't blame you.
The only marriage I want to end is mine with my parents.
I tried to get emancipated from them in sixth grade because they wouldn't let me shave my legs, and we settled on a cartilage pierce and another credit card.
It's time.
Blair, you are the smartest person I've ever known, and my private school had Orientals.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I want in.
You do? I do.
["WEDDING MARCH" BY FELIX MENDELSSOHN PLAYING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
- KEITH: Yes! KEITH: All right! HENRI: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting for the very first time, Mr.
and Mrs.
Georgina! I know this is a sham wedding, but I can't believe you made me take your last name.
Tiff Pfaff? Thoundth like I have a thpeeth impediment.
HENRI: Why don't we clear some space so Blair and Tiff Are you sure you want to do this? HENRI: can have their very first dance.
I know this is a sham wedding, but I have been dreaming about this day since I was a little girl, so please, just give me this.
Okay.
Thank you.
[GENTLE GUITAR RENDITION OF "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Are they dancing to the national anthem? YASSIR: Oh, yeah.
Tiff's a huge Republican.
[RECORD SCRATCHES.]
[ELECTRONIC DANCE RENDITION OF "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
[CROWD EXCLAIMS.]
Do Republicans hate America? 'Cause this is, like, a dance version of burning the flag.
Wildly disrespectful.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYED TRADITIONALLY.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey! You better slow down and focus on getting tape on Mo.
Guys, guys, look.
Maybe we should, I don't know, give this whole blackmail thing a second look, right? - Get to fucking work, Keith.
- Yeah! Fine.
Bus these.
- Fuck you.
- Stay in character.
He's right.
What? No, Deb Deb! [SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
Hey.
How'd it go? You get it done? - Blair? - Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- No prenup.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
Congrats.
I can't fucking believe this.
Jesus Christ.
I just pulled off the greatest trade - in the history of Wall Street.
- We.
We.
You're right, you're right.
We.
Ah.
Hey, you know what? Let's bury the hatchet.
Come on, toast.
Toast.
I don't feel like toasting, Mo.
Blair, come on.
Look, I know it stings a little bit right now, kid.
You feel like you're losing your values or whatever, but you know what never loses its value? The Jasper John I'm gonna buy.
That's a toilet completely muralized by Jasper Johns.
I'm gonna stick it in my Basqui-yacht, which is a yacht completely muralized by Basquiat.
Shut the fuck up.
You know, the saying's not "An endless stream of bullshit and bad puns is the soul of wit," right? But I am the soul man of wit.
- Mm.
- Okay, fuck it, Blair, all right? You don't want to be my friend, don't be my friend.
Who cares? But I want that six percent before the bell tomorrow.
Oh, oh.
About that, I have terms.
Excuse me? If we pull this off, The Jammer Group goes from being the fucking Yankees to the Mets overnight.
You're gonna be offered every sweet-ass deal on the street, and I want my piece.
We have a deal, Blair.
No, we had a deal.
You say I'm like a son to you, right? So I think it's time you make me part of the family.
How about six percent of Georgina for six percent of The Jammer Group? [LAUGHS.]
How about six percent of kissing my ass? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You know, I went to Berger's Burgers the other night, and they have a sign there that says they've only been open for two years.
So I did a little research, and there's no record of an orphanage in that area anywhere.
So I did a little more research and found there's no record of a Maurice Monroe anywhere before 1974.
[TENSE SYNTH MUSIC.]
I knew you were full of shit, but I didn't think you were all shit.
I wonder what the SEC would say if they knew the Exchange issued a seat to a man who doesn't exist.
Wow.
You really have crossed all the way over to the dark side.
I learned it by watching you, Dad.
Well, part of me wants to give you a big old hug.
A bigger part of me wants to beat the dog shit out of you in front of all your friends and fake family.
Take your best shot.
Well played.
Tell you what I will do.
I will give you one percent.
- That's it.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's my best and final offer.
- No, that's That's cute, but this isn't a negotiation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do the fucking hokey-pokey.
DAWN: So what's six percent, hmm? You gave thirty percent to the fucking Yakuza.
Let's do a little math, Dawn, all right? Excuse me.
Okay, now you have 15 percent.
Now, if you add the 30 percent that the Yakuza gave the Leighmans, and then six percent I'm supposed to give to Blair, we add that together.
What is that? 51 percent.
Okay? That would make me a minority owner of The Jammer Group.
Now I'm not gonna lose control of my own fucking company, Dawn.
I get it, I get it.
But if, you know, you were to you know.
You give a couple points.
Two points, Dawn.
Two fucking points! Fuck, no! No! This is how I knew you were bullshitting about the whole proposal thing.
- I was - You would never be that thoughtful, because the only person you ever think of is yourself.
- All right.
- You're a selfish piece of shit, Mo.
Jesus Christ, everybody's just coming with both barrels at old fucking Mo today, right? I mean, really? Give him some of my shares? The answer is no.
No, "fuck no.
" Yeah, okay.
Great.
- Keith, Keith, hey.
- Shit.
I gotta I gotta talk to you, okay? - The Georgina Play - [COUGHS.]
Is hitting a major fucking snag.
Mm-mm, uh, no, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Yeah, I gotta run.
Okay, fine, let's talk No, I mean, I gotta run I got, like, the runs.
The shits.
I gotta shit.
Okay, toilet.
Perfect, it's more private.
No, no, no, you don't want any part of this.
- It's gonna be bad.
- Just crap quiet.
Who gives a shit? You just gotta listen.
The kid's squeezing me on the Georgina Play [KEITH IMITATES FLATULENCE.]
And I gotta admit, he's got me, man.
If if I don't give him what he wants, he's nuts enough to go to the Feds, - tell him all the illegal shit we've done.
- KEITH: Oh! Oh! Like the Audi Play.
[KEITH GROANS.]
You all right? [IMITATES FLATULENCE.]
- Oh! Oh! - [FLUSHES TOILET.]
KEITH: Oh, sorry, man! Can we talk later? You know what? Maybe I should call his bluff, you know, send the Yakuza over there - to beat the shit out of him.
- Oh, Jesus, the pain! - The pain! - MO: He's gotta know he's not dealing with a businessman right now, Keith.
He's dealing with a fucking criminal! No, no, no, no, no! No, God, fuck no.
Jesus, KEITH: Fuck piss.
Shit no.
I'm gonna give you a little privacy, all right? Sounds good man.
Sounds good.
Good plan.
Good talk, all right? [SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, girl, I don't know why you can oh! Oh, Mo.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for getting us the floor.
- What a great venue.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Congrats.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, hey, let's see if we can geta bridesmaid or something to hold your hair, okay? 'Cause I got some real shit I gotta deal with right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have to go deal with a deal with my husband? 'Cause shouldn't I be there too? [WHISPERING.]
I'm in.
We're doing the Me Play.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute, what? Hey, man, it's cool.
It's cool.
I get it.
I mean, this marriage has always been bullshit on some level anyway.
Just like theatre camp, I'm always getting fucked by gay guys.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute, what are you Duh.
Blair's gay.
My hubby likes chubby.
Mm.
Gotta go find the ladies' room.
- That's the men's.
- Oopsies! [LAUGHS.]
- What happened? - What'd you get? I'm out.
Fuck you and the SEC.
Do your fucking worst.
Ah, fuck! My bisque! [SIGHS.]
Have a seat.
We gotta talk.
Oh, Jesus.
Blair's trying to make a move against both of us.
All right, look, Mo, I know this wedding's got your brain cross-wired and shit, but honestly, these these mind games that you're pulling it's it's getting sad.
Listen, I just bumped into Tiff, all right? Now, she's pretty plastered, but she still managed to drop a couple bombshells, like one, she knows about, and is in on the Georgina Play, because two, her marriage is a fraud, because three, Blair is gay.
Oh, come on! Whoo! I'm back.
- Keith! - Sorry I was acting weird, but now I'm ready to talk about illegal shit, Georgina shit Wanna commit a murder? Let's do it.
I'm in.
Let's go.
DAWN: Keith, can you give us a sec? Your boy Mo here is jealous, as usual, and now he's trying to convince me that Blair is a gay criminal mastermind.
Yeah, of course Blair's gay.
I thought everyone knew that.
DAWN: Wait, how the fuck do you know? How the fuck does he know? I-I-I don't know.
I'm just saying, maybe, like, Mo and I we have just better gay radar than you.
It's I wish there was an easier way to say that, like a sniglet.
What the fuck he just say? - Yeah, it is a little clunky.
- KEITH: Oh, got it.
Navi-gay-tion.
Holy shit! I'm back, baby! I gotta do some coke.
Okay, Dawn? MO: I'm sorry.
I'm not bullshitting you.
You're always bullshitting me.
All right, that's it.
Wait a second.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Recognize this? Is that Yeah.
I told you, when it comes to real shit, I'm as real as it gets.
Now think about it.
Why would he ask for six percent on the nose? When five percent gets it done.
It's a done deal.
Six percent, I'd lose control of the Jammer Group.
I can't do that.
He knows that.
He's stalling.
'Cause he's trying to run the Georgina Play for himself.
Exactly.
Fuck! [SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
W-wait.
Why is he dating me? MO: Maybe he thought he could get your shares or just throw us off the scent, you know, try to take our eyes off the prize.
I don't know.
Damn, damn, damn! I swear, I am gonna kill that motherfucker! Dawn, Dawn, listen.
Now, I know I've been shitty to you - in the past - Yeah.
- And the recent past - Yeah.
- And this morning.
- Yeah.
But but it's gotta be you and me now, okay? Together.
Partners.
Partners.
So what do we do now? Well now we give him exactly what he wants.
[BLAIR SIGHS.]
Well, all things considered, it was a decent wedding.
TIFF: It was a great wedding.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- TIFF: Oh, hey.
So in the end, this earring tie pin thingy it actually was kind of lucky, huh? Hm.
I want you to have the other one to remember me by.
To remember you by.
How could I forget you? You're my first, and my wife.
I-I'm I'm really sorry, Tiff.
It's okay.
I'm a lot.
[LAUGHS.]
I am, and it's Look, it's it's okay to be confused.
I mean, not everyone can be as sure of themselves as I am.
[LAUGHS.]
I do love you.
I love you, too.
[SIGHS.]
To the Georgina Play.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
To the Georgina Play.
To the Georgina Play.
- Oh, I need to say it, too? - Well, I mean I thought it was implied.
To the Georgina Play.
[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC.]
- Oh! - What? - Oh! - Oh, my God! [ALL SCREAM.]
[LAUGHS.]
As if, slut! - [SCREAMS.]
- BLAIR: I found these at the Georginas' apartment.
They must have kidnapped Tiff themselves.
MISSY MILLS: We want Maurice Monroe, and you are gonna give him to us.
I want a divorce.
Blair is in love with me, and I think I'm falling for him, too.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[TIFFANY'S "I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" PLAYING.]
They don't understand and so they Keep asking if this whole thing's a gaffe How'd such a catch end up with a Pfaff? I said no-sevelt to a Roosevelt That Hearst was the worst Almost had a child with a Rothschild And Anderson Cooper Oof.
[SIGHS.]
I still can't believe you left Spencer for Blair.
You love bitches more than Billie Jean King.
Do you work on these at home? - No.
- No? - Whatever.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes on the toilet.
- Okay.
What I'm saying is, if these guys are your type, what'd you ever see in me? You are the biggest bitch of all.
You're afraid of love.
[LAUGHS.]
I said no to a Devin, an Evan, and a Kevin And don't even get me started on the Davids Don't worry, none of them were Jews Did you know the song that knocked this song out of the number one spot was also a Shondells cover, "Mony Mony.
" The '80s suck.
Yeah, well, did you know that I paid good "mony mony" to a girl named Shondell to put my number one in her spot? I dare you to tell the truth one time.
Red or white? Or I could mix 'em.
You strike me as a pink guy.
- What the fuck are you talking - You know what? Take your time.
We're not going anywhere.
YASSIR: Uh, can I order something? WAYNE: Caterers are terrible.
Blair's not alone now They say he wants my money But he won't get shit Babe, this is really - good.
- Right? I'll tell you what: Tiffany better look out, 'cause there's a new Tiffany in town who can butcher other people's songs even better.
That means a lot.
You know how important - malls are to me.
- Yeah.
In fact, can I get your autograph? Oh, my God.
Of course! Ah, no, seriously, though, just while I got you - What's this now? - Um it's just, you know, normal wedding paperwork.
Uh, we got a marriage license, we got a power of attorney - Power of attorney? - Well, I mean, wouldn't you rather I take care of all that boring financial junk so you can focus on all your important, you know, stuff you do during the daytime? - I mean, I am so busy - Yeah, I know.
But I can't sign that.
I'm sorry.
While I got you, there is something I kind of need you to sign.
Well, what's this now? [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.]
HENRI: Yeah! Thank you, Tiffany, and thank you, Dawn, - for hosting this rehearsal dinner.
- Let me tell you something.
I am not afraid of love, Dawn.
- Mm.
- I'm not.
In fact, I was gonna do this whole fucking thing with you.
W-what? What? What's that supposed to mean? I was gonna propose, okay? Bullshit.
I I had the goddamn ring and everything, Dawn.
- Oh, yeah? Okay, yeah? - Okay, yeah.
- I was gonna do all of it.
- All right, when? That night we went horseback riding upstate.
We never went horseback riding upstate.
- Exactly.
- What's that supposed to mean? Oh, thanks to Maurice for coming up with this last-second wedding venue for tomorrow after we lost our spot at the Plaza during Tiff's and Blair's brief rumspringa.
Is this Is this You want me to sign a prenup? Okay, calm down.
My daddy will not let me marry you without it.
He's very protective over his money.
I mean, who cares, really? Unless our entire [LAUGHS.]
11-year relationship was just a big ruse for you to get your hands on Georgina Jeans.
[LAUGHS.]
It's insane.
To true love.
- Aww.
- ALL: True love.
[APPLAUSE.]
["I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" BY THE SHONDELLS PLAYING.]
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Children behave That's what they say when we're together And watch how you play [SNIFFS.]
They don't understand, and so ["SPRING" BY ANTONIO VIVALDI PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
- What are you talking about? - [LAUGHS.]
Do you want to? I mean, if you want to go, - we can go.
- DAWN: Okay.
- BLAIR: Yeah? - DAWN: Yeah.
Don't forget to pull out, Dawn.
Don't worry, babe.
He's just mad that I got the girl.
You know what they say: "They don't always leave with the ones they came in with.
" You know what else they say.
"You'd have to be one dumb hick fuck to be messing around with your girlfriend when you're about to marry someone else in order to pull off a year-long long con with 60 mil on the line, you dumb hick fuck.
" You don't hear that one quite as much.
Different circles.
Apparently.
ALL: Hey! - DAWN: Hey.
- YASSIR: Hey.
- For you.
- Thank you.
- Yum? - No, thanks.
I'm off champagne since I drove home from my divorce-iversary - and hit-and-run'd a - [COUGHS LOUDLY.]
- deer - Oh.
Friend of my father's.
[COUGHS.]
Keith, he's telling a sweet story.
Sorry, asthma.
My whole life.
KEITH: Probably wondering, "Hey, why haven't I ever heard about that?" Well, it's, uh it's a good story and a long one, so buckle up Nobody gives a shit, Keith.
- At all.
- BLAIR: seconded.
Okay, champagne for a sham marriage.
To the Georgina [COUGHS VIOLENTLY.]
ALL: Georgina play Uh, well, I'd like to, uh to thank all of my groomsmen - with a little something - Mm.
Inspired by the man who brought us all together.
For you - And for the grooms-lady.
- Yes.
You said all your groomsmen.
You ain't got nothing for old Mo? You already have one.
- YASSIR: Oh, my God! - WAYNE: Holy shit! It's Mo's lucky watch! - No.
- This is his exact watch.
This is not my goddamn watch.
You cannot buy my watch.
My watch is custom-made.
Yeah, as are these very detailed replicas, which I call Mo-lexes.
- DAWN: Mo-lex? - BLAIR: Yeah, just a little something to remind us of the greatest lesson we've all learned from you, Mo.
Fuck 'em all.
Fuck 'em all.
ALL: Fuck 'em all! DAWN: Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, all right, my little crime lords and Traci Lords.
Let's get those shares that you parked [COUGHS VIOLENTLY.]
Jesus, take it outside, Keith, before we all catch bald.
- DAWN: Eww.
- Oh, Keith, give me those shares that you parked.
[COUGHS.]
Dust.
[HACKS.]
And here are the shares that I parked with Spencer.
Got 'em in the divorce.
Only cost me our Airplane! We had a tough time dividing up our Betamax collection.
- Oh, babe.
- I know.
DAWN: So including our shell companies, we are at 45%.
Six percent more from Tiff when you guys get hitched, and we will have a score that makes Warren Buffet look like Warren Snack.
[DAWN AND BLAIR LAUGH.]
DAWN: That would've landed if he would pronounce his name "buffet" like a real man.
- No, no, no, babe, it landed.
- You got it? BLAIR: Yeah, I got it.
So, what's everyone gonna do with their money? I'm buying myself a new Limbo.
Come on, Mo.
I'm also gonna pick up that red Keith Haring series I've had my eye on for years.
Come on, Mo.
Okay, can we not get distracted by red Harings and focus? DAWN: Right now, Blair, it's on you, baby.
All good in the municipality, except for, uh, just just one just one tiny, teeny little thing.
Oh, Blair's getting cold feet.
Here we go.
It's not time for cold feet.
It's time for hot feet, like Downtown Julie Brown-hot feet.
Like, Oh, my God, what I wouldn't give to take those little piggies to market.
Feet meat.
Yeah, Wayne, feet meat.
Yes! No, no.
No, it's just Tiff's dad wants me to sign this, like, just really silly little prenup thing before we get married.
Come on, for real, Blair? MO: Goddamn it.
Do you have any idea what it's taken for me to get where I am? [LAUGHS.]
Any idea? I have shed blood, sweat, and tears.
I have unearthed secrets, got winded and fired.
You're just listing bands.
MO: It doesn't fucking matter! What here's what I'm saying.
You want to sit in the big chair, Blair, you better bring a goddamn flashlight, 'cause it gets dark.
This is the Geor-jeana Play, not the Geor-jyna Play.
You know why I'm saying Geor-jyna? When I look down, does it help you understand why I'm pronouncing it "jeye-na"? - MO: Do you know what I'm saying? - That I have a vagina.
MO: Exactly.
You got some balls? You go fucking prove it.
Show me! Go get it! DAWN: You go get it, baby! - Hey, Dawn? - Yeah.
Goofy and Mickey called.
Fuck you.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
KEITH: Ooh, ooh, ladies, please, please.
I'm just one man.
[HISSING ON RECORDER.]
The fuck is this? I don't know.
It must be my, uh, magnetic personality.
You think we're bluffing? I will go right now and pull your son out of whatever class he's flunking.
And I'll pull your boyfriend out of whatever ass he's fucking.
Deb, we talked about this.
- Sorry, I thought you were setting me up.
- No.
You're out of chances, Keith.
Get Mo on tape today.
Okay, he's gonna figure out I'm wearing a fucking wire.
I look like Teddy Ruxpeen down there.
Well, you better try, because we're gonna have eyes on you all day and your stupid fucking peen.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we gotta get back to the kitchen.
The lobster is not gonna bisque itself, and Todd is riding my hide.
Who's Todd? Our cater captain.
TIFF: I know they say silicone's bad for you, but these saltwater jugs are sloshing around like my driver's ed teacher's water bed.
- Oh, I'm jealous.
- RIP.
Can you just stuff them in? - We gotta jet.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- BLAIR: Uh, Tiff? [GASPS.]
Blair! Oh, my God, you can't see my dress before the ceremony! My eyes are closed.
I just I need to talk to you.
It's important.
Ladies, can you give us the room? We'll meet you in the horse-drawn carriage.
- Okay.
- Ooh, shotgun.
On the horse? Jesus.
Oh, sorry.
BLAIR: Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- [BLAIR SIGHS.]
- Hello? Oh, God, did somebody else come in the room now? No, I mean hello as in "talk, monkey.
" TIFF: I will provide visual context as necessary.
Go.
So the real reason that Mo hired me after no one else would is because he is the reason no one else would.
He tricked me into working for him so he could take over your dad's company.
I didn't know about it, but but I do now, and [SIGHS.]
I don't know, Tiff.
I think maybe we should do it Ow! God.
Even with my eyes closed, I should've seen that coming.
Are you insane? How could you do this to me, and my dad he has treated you like a son.
Sure, in the way that dads are super cold to their sons to try to get them to stop acting like such pussies, but still, how could you betray my family? Tiff, they betrayed you! They're the ones who were behind your kidnapping! Okay, what? Uh, y think about it.
Georgina has been losing money for years, and since you got snatched, sales have quadrupled, and [SIGHS.]
And I found the magazines they cut the letters out of for the ransom note.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm I'm really sorry.
I mean, I-I They have been talking a lot lately about a game-changer, like Calvin Klein's Brooke Shields child porn campaign.
Oh, my God.
- Tiff, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no.
- Jesus.
- Okay, let's just open - open your eyes.
- BOTH: Okay.
You look really beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
I really want to cry, but my makeup artist Karina charges by the lash.
What the hell? Pretty sure this wedding's fucked anyways.
I'm sorry.
At least maybe some good can come out of this now.
What? Money.
A lot of money.
And to be honest, I I think this wedding has been fucked for a long time.
[SCOFFS.]
There's one more thing I have to tell you.
[SIGHS.]
What the fuck is taking them so long? Pssh, whatever it is, it's on you.
On me? How is it on me? - This is your plan.
- My plan? My plan did not involve you fucking him.
What happened to your "I don't date coworkers" thing? Went right out the window, right? Thank God I didn't propose to you, you flip-flopper.
You're really sticking with this whole imaginary horseback proposal, aren't you? Never even been on a horse, unless you count that tight end from the Colts, or that wide receiver from the Broncos, and then there was that quarterback from the Raiders.
A raider is not a type of horse.
This one was.
You know what? You're right.
We never had the horseback ride.
You know why? Because we broke up.
You remember when we were at my lake house, and you said you wanted to go buy that little antique ring that you saw the day before, and I said, "Don't do it, Dawn.
You can't really afford it on your salary"? Then we had the whole "make me a partner dance" that was all the rage for us literally.
Well, the reason I made the comment was because I went out and bought that ring the night before when you were asleep so that I could surprise you on the horseback ride that I had to cancel 'cause you stormed out.
That's the fucking truth.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
Bullshit.
[SCOFFS.]
Marquis cut, pavé band, more baguettes than Gerard Depardieu's colon.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
I should've known.
Maybe I sort of did.
It all makes so much sense now.
[SNIFFLES.]
BLAIR: I'm so sorry, and if if you wanna call off the wedding, I I don't blame you.
The only marriage I want to end is mine with my parents.
I tried to get emancipated from them in sixth grade because they wouldn't let me shave my legs, and we settled on a cartilage pierce and another credit card.
It's time.
Blair, you are the smartest person I've ever known, and my private school had Orientals.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I want in.
You do? I do.
["WEDDING MARCH" BY FELIX MENDELSSOHN PLAYING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
- KEITH: Yes! KEITH: All right! HENRI: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting for the very first time, Mr.
and Mrs.
Georgina! I know this is a sham wedding, but I can't believe you made me take your last name.
Tiff Pfaff? Thoundth like I have a thpeeth impediment.
HENRI: Why don't we clear some space so Blair and Tiff Are you sure you want to do this? HENRI: can have their very first dance.
I know this is a sham wedding, but I have been dreaming about this day since I was a little girl, so please, just give me this.
Okay.
Thank you.
[GENTLE GUITAR RENDITION OF "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Are they dancing to the national anthem? YASSIR: Oh, yeah.
Tiff's a huge Republican.
[RECORD SCRATCHES.]
[ELECTRONIC DANCE RENDITION OF "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
[CROWD EXCLAIMS.]
Do Republicans hate America? 'Cause this is, like, a dance version of burning the flag.
Wildly disrespectful.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYED TRADITIONALLY.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey! You better slow down and focus on getting tape on Mo.
Guys, guys, look.
Maybe we should, I don't know, give this whole blackmail thing a second look, right? - Get to fucking work, Keith.
- Yeah! Fine.
Bus these.
- Fuck you.
- Stay in character.
He's right.
What? No, Deb Deb! [SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
Hey.
How'd it go? You get it done? - Blair? - Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- No prenup.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
Congrats.
I can't fucking believe this.
Jesus Christ.
I just pulled off the greatest trade - in the history of Wall Street.
- We.
We.
You're right, you're right.
We.
Ah.
Hey, you know what? Let's bury the hatchet.
Come on, toast.
Toast.
I don't feel like toasting, Mo.
Blair, come on.
Look, I know it stings a little bit right now, kid.
You feel like you're losing your values or whatever, but you know what never loses its value? The Jasper John I'm gonna buy.
That's a toilet completely muralized by Jasper Johns.
I'm gonna stick it in my Basqui-yacht, which is a yacht completely muralized by Basquiat.
Shut the fuck up.
You know, the saying's not "An endless stream of bullshit and bad puns is the soul of wit," right? But I am the soul man of wit.
- Mm.
- Okay, fuck it, Blair, all right? You don't want to be my friend, don't be my friend.
Who cares? But I want that six percent before the bell tomorrow.
Oh, oh.
About that, I have terms.
Excuse me? If we pull this off, The Jammer Group goes from being the fucking Yankees to the Mets overnight.
You're gonna be offered every sweet-ass deal on the street, and I want my piece.
We have a deal, Blair.
No, we had a deal.
You say I'm like a son to you, right? So I think it's time you make me part of the family.
How about six percent of Georgina for six percent of The Jammer Group? [LAUGHS.]
How about six percent of kissing my ass? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You know, I went to Berger's Burgers the other night, and they have a sign there that says they've only been open for two years.
So I did a little research, and there's no record of an orphanage in that area anywhere.
So I did a little more research and found there's no record of a Maurice Monroe anywhere before 1974.
[TENSE SYNTH MUSIC.]
I knew you were full of shit, but I didn't think you were all shit.
I wonder what the SEC would say if they knew the Exchange issued a seat to a man who doesn't exist.
Wow.
You really have crossed all the way over to the dark side.
I learned it by watching you, Dad.
Well, part of me wants to give you a big old hug.
A bigger part of me wants to beat the dog shit out of you in front of all your friends and fake family.
Take your best shot.
Well played.
Tell you what I will do.
I will give you one percent.
- That's it.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's my best and final offer.
- No, that's That's cute, but this isn't a negotiation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do the fucking hokey-pokey.
DAWN: So what's six percent, hmm? You gave thirty percent to the fucking Yakuza.
Let's do a little math, Dawn, all right? Excuse me.
Okay, now you have 15 percent.
Now, if you add the 30 percent that the Yakuza gave the Leighmans, and then six percent I'm supposed to give to Blair, we add that together.
What is that? 51 percent.
Okay? That would make me a minority owner of The Jammer Group.
Now I'm not gonna lose control of my own fucking company, Dawn.
I get it, I get it.
But if, you know, you were to you know.
You give a couple points.
Two points, Dawn.
Two fucking points! Fuck, no! No! This is how I knew you were bullshitting about the whole proposal thing.
- I was - You would never be that thoughtful, because the only person you ever think of is yourself.
- All right.
- You're a selfish piece of shit, Mo.
Jesus Christ, everybody's just coming with both barrels at old fucking Mo today, right? I mean, really? Give him some of my shares? The answer is no.
No, "fuck no.
" Yeah, okay.
Great.
- Keith, Keith, hey.
- Shit.
I gotta I gotta talk to you, okay? - The Georgina Play - [COUGHS.]
Is hitting a major fucking snag.
Mm-mm, uh, no, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Yeah, I gotta run.
Okay, fine, let's talk No, I mean, I gotta run I got, like, the runs.
The shits.
I gotta shit.
Okay, toilet.
Perfect, it's more private.
No, no, no, you don't want any part of this.
- It's gonna be bad.
- Just crap quiet.
Who gives a shit? You just gotta listen.
The kid's squeezing me on the Georgina Play [KEITH IMITATES FLATULENCE.]
And I gotta admit, he's got me, man.
If if I don't give him what he wants, he's nuts enough to go to the Feds, - tell him all the illegal shit we've done.
- KEITH: Oh! Oh! Like the Audi Play.
[KEITH GROANS.]
You all right? [IMITATES FLATULENCE.]
- Oh! Oh! - [FLUSHES TOILET.]
KEITH: Oh, sorry, man! Can we talk later? You know what? Maybe I should call his bluff, you know, send the Yakuza over there - to beat the shit out of him.
- Oh, Jesus, the pain! - The pain! - MO: He's gotta know he's not dealing with a businessman right now, Keith.
He's dealing with a fucking criminal! No, no, no, no, no! No, God, fuck no.
Jesus, KEITH: Fuck piss.
Shit no.
I'm gonna give you a little privacy, all right? Sounds good man.
Sounds good.
Good plan.
Good talk, all right? [SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, girl, I don't know why you can oh! Oh, Mo.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for getting us the floor.
- What a great venue.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Congrats.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, hey, let's see if we can geta bridesmaid or something to hold your hair, okay? 'Cause I got some real shit I gotta deal with right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have to go deal with a deal with my husband? 'Cause shouldn't I be there too? [WHISPERING.]
I'm in.
We're doing the Me Play.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute, what? Hey, man, it's cool.
It's cool.
I get it.
I mean, this marriage has always been bullshit on some level anyway.
Just like theatre camp, I'm always getting fucked by gay guys.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute, what are you Duh.
Blair's gay.
My hubby likes chubby.
Mm.
Gotta go find the ladies' room.
- That's the men's.
- Oopsies! [LAUGHS.]
- What happened? - What'd you get? I'm out.
Fuck you and the SEC.
Do your fucking worst.
Ah, fuck! My bisque! [SIGHS.]
Have a seat.
We gotta talk.
Oh, Jesus.
Blair's trying to make a move against both of us.
All right, look, Mo, I know this wedding's got your brain cross-wired and shit, but honestly, these these mind games that you're pulling it's it's getting sad.
Listen, I just bumped into Tiff, all right? Now, she's pretty plastered, but she still managed to drop a couple bombshells, like one, she knows about, and is in on the Georgina Play, because two, her marriage is a fraud, because three, Blair is gay.
Oh, come on! Whoo! I'm back.
- Keith! - Sorry I was acting weird, but now I'm ready to talk about illegal shit, Georgina shit Wanna commit a murder? Let's do it.
I'm in.
Let's go.
DAWN: Keith, can you give us a sec? Your boy Mo here is jealous, as usual, and now he's trying to convince me that Blair is a gay criminal mastermind.
Yeah, of course Blair's gay.
I thought everyone knew that.
DAWN: Wait, how the fuck do you know? How the fuck does he know? I-I-I don't know.
I'm just saying, maybe, like, Mo and I we have just better gay radar than you.
It's I wish there was an easier way to say that, like a sniglet.
What the fuck he just say? - Yeah, it is a little clunky.
- KEITH: Oh, got it.
Navi-gay-tion.
Holy shit! I'm back, baby! I gotta do some coke.
Okay, Dawn? MO: I'm sorry.
I'm not bullshitting you.
You're always bullshitting me.
All right, that's it.
Wait a second.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Recognize this? Is that Yeah.
I told you, when it comes to real shit, I'm as real as it gets.
Now think about it.
Why would he ask for six percent on the nose? When five percent gets it done.
It's a done deal.
Six percent, I'd lose control of the Jammer Group.
I can't do that.
He knows that.
He's stalling.
'Cause he's trying to run the Georgina Play for himself.
Exactly.
Fuck! [SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
W-wait.
Why is he dating me? MO: Maybe he thought he could get your shares or just throw us off the scent, you know, try to take our eyes off the prize.
I don't know.
Damn, damn, damn! I swear, I am gonna kill that motherfucker! Dawn, Dawn, listen.
Now, I know I've been shitty to you - in the past - Yeah.
- And the recent past - Yeah.
- And this morning.
- Yeah.
But but it's gotta be you and me now, okay? Together.
Partners.
Partners.
So what do we do now? Well now we give him exactly what he wants.
[BLAIR SIGHS.]
Well, all things considered, it was a decent wedding.
TIFF: It was a great wedding.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- TIFF: Oh, hey.
So in the end, this earring tie pin thingy it actually was kind of lucky, huh? Hm.
I want you to have the other one to remember me by.
To remember you by.
How could I forget you? You're my first, and my wife.
I-I'm I'm really sorry, Tiff.
It's okay.
I'm a lot.
[LAUGHS.]
I am, and it's Look, it's it's okay to be confused.
I mean, not everyone can be as sure of themselves as I am.
[LAUGHS.]
I do love you.
I love you, too.
[SIGHS.]
To the Georgina Play.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
To the Georgina Play.
To the Georgina Play.
- Oh, I need to say it, too? - Well, I mean I thought it was implied.
To the Georgina Play.
[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC.]