Brickleberry s01e09 Episode Script

- Subs created by - War is hell.
The object is to destroy and demoralize.
We will gouge out their eyes, piss in their skulls, and anything left breathing, we rape! Damn, white people take this softball shit serious.
This is Brickleberry versus Yellowstone.
I got 2 G's on this game! Now, in the spirit of baseball, let's pray That they all get Lou Gehrig's disease.
- Amen.
- Shouldn't we wait for Ethel? I think she went to look for her boyfriend.
Who's the lucky fella this week? Slut.
Sorry, I had something in my throat before I said, "slut".
Honey? The game's about to start.
What are you doing in there? Be out in a minute! I'm taping up.
Oh, don't be so shy.
Oh, my God! You are cheating on me with two women? It's not what it looks like.
See? Only one woman.
They're conjoined twins.
Aw, come on! I don't even like the one that controls the legs! So, uh, where were we? I was the one who uncrossed our legs for you.
Call me.
Brickleberry! Damn it, you bastards! This is the bottom of the ninth! It's our last chance.
Come on, rally bear.
Show some spirit.
Why can't you dance like those black bears? Go yellow, go Yellowstone! Go yellow, go Yellowstone! I am fighting the urge to say something horribly racist.
Oh, that reminds me.
Denzel! Steal third base! Pretend it's a car stereo.
I'ma kill that cracker one day.
So, what are you doing after the game? I think you have the wrong impression of me.
I'm a lesbian, Sir.
Ouch.
All right, next up? Aw, Christ, it's Steve.
Come on, easy out! Come on, Steve, don't choke! Let's hear it for Steve! Don't choke, Steve! Don't choke, Steve! Don't choke, Steve! Listen to that crowd, Steve.
You're their hero.
And you're 0 for 9.
Statistically, you're almost guaranteed to get a hit.
- You're out.
- Out? How am I out? Because you slid into the pitcher's mound, moron.
Yellowstone wins.
- Boo! - Steve sucks! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Steve sucks! - Loser! Burning! Burn! Burning! Thank God! Ow! So we lost the bet.
This isn't so bad.
One lap around the field naked isn't the end of the world.
Oh, what is that? Damn, I see your balls, but where is It looks like you have a vagina with balls.
- You have a ball gina.
- Okay, okay.
I don't know whether to be grossed out or horny.
I'm really confused right now.
The point is we're still a team, right? Aw, okay.
There it is.
Damn, man.
Looks like your dick is stuck in quicksand.
Come on.
You guys can't be mad at me.
Here you go, little fella.
Grab on to this and I'll pull you out.
I'll get you to safety.
I'm not mad at you, Steve.
I just can't believe Carl cheated on me.
I am so done with him.
I do have self-respect, you know.
Oh, I know you do, sugar snatch.
Oh, Carl.
Now, you losers ready to do your lap? All right, good warm-up lap.
Now take 'em out on the pavement.
Who agreed to that bet? Ah, Steve did.
I didn't think we could lose.
- We'll get 'em next week! - Next week? I lost 2 grand on that game, Steve! I don't know how I'm gonna pay up, Steve! Oh, you'll find a way to pay me.
They always do.
Guys, it's not my fault I can't play baseball.
No one ever taught me.
You gotta remember, I grew up without a father.
- Aw, Christ.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- Oh, brother! - Gay.
It's true.
My father, Jonah Williams, was the greatest Park Ranger Brickleberry had ever seen.
He was a hero to both man and beast alike.
There was nothing he couldn't do And he never failed to amaze us.
But tragedy struck when he took me on my first camping trip.
It all started very innocently.
"The doctor says Steve needs anti-psychotic medication".
"We are Christian scientists! I'll snap your neck, woman!" "Aah! You're hurting me!" "Aw, take that in the back! That (Bleep)ing goddamn mother(Bleep)ing".
"Aah!" But things took a dark turn, and someone needed his help.
My dolly! I'm okay, son.
I'm okay, son! I'm still okay, son! That one hurt a little! The only comfort I get is that he died peacefully.
- Wow.
- Aw, please.
Steve uses not having a dad as an excuse for everything.
Damn! Ow! Ouch! Ow! Oh! Oh! My father never taught me how to fight.
Sorry, Denzel.
My father never taught me how to post bail.
My father never taught me how to ride a bike! Look out, look out, look out! Aah! Double-paned! Tempered! Stained glass! Storm window! Glass ceiling! That one stopped me.
Enough excuses, Steve.
Denzel never had a dad, and he's not a wuss.
Woody, my father raised me.
By "father" you mean "grandmother," right? Look, guys, I know I let you down.
But those days are over.
The next chance I get, I'm gonna prove that I'm more of a man than anyone here.
Including her.
Uh, hi.
Um, I've got a real problem here.
My campsite is littered with half-eaten goats.
Half-eaten goats? Crap.
Looks like it's that rabid cougar again.
Which one of you is gonna hunt him down? You know what? I've been looking for an opportunity to prove my manhood since about 30 seconds ago.
I'll do it.
Sorry, I guess you didn't know that I wasn't finished speaking.
I'd like my $10 camping fee back.
No problem, I'll just run your credit card.
Done.
Should show up on your statement at the end of the month.
You suck.
You are a pile of shit.
And I want you to know that your parents just called, and they're getting a divorce.
They said it's your fault, because you have leukemia and all your hair's gonna fall out.
Who are you talking to? Son, we have something to tell you.
We're getting divorced.
And you have leukemia.
Malloy, I know it's past the deadline, but I've almost got your $2,000 together.
I just need $1,900 more.
You worry too much, Woody.
We'll work something out.
Okay, so what are you thinking? Some kind of installment plan? Will you relax? Here.
Sniff this for me.
Don't look at me like that, it's just business.
How am I ever gonna find this cougar? Follow the dead goats.
Good idea, voice in my head.
You sound so much cooler than when I talk out loud.
It's me, dumb ass.
You picked the wrong time to start acting like a man.
That cougar's gonna eat you alive, Steve.
Thanks for the tough love.
Namaste.
"Namaste".
Nah, I'ma stay right here where there ain't no cougars.
Your suffering is over.
Mercy is upon you.
Uh, sorry about that.
Now, mercy will be upon you.
Almost done.
You'll be with Jesus soon.
Die! Save a place for me in heaven, friend.
That must be where it lives.
Be a man, Steve.
Be a man, be a man, be a man, be a man, be a man, be a man, be a man.
I don't want to be a man! Dad? Oh, my God.
Dad! It's you! I have one question for you, dad.
Why do I have a ball gina? - That's your dad? - Yeah.
Dad, meet Denzel.
Aah! No! Eh, eh, eh! Eh, eh, eh, dad! Jonah, listen, sorry I never looked for you.
I meant to, but your wife was in dire need of comforting, way down deep in her uterus.
I've held my tongue long enough.
Your dad smells like shit.
Don't tell me you're still pissed about this kidney thing, because I've moved on.
The important thing is my dad is back and he hasn't changed a bit.
- Well, that's kind of new.
- Yo, that's messed up.
I'll tell you what's messed up Your judgmental attitude.
Father just needs a little help readjusting to society.
Dad's new comedy bit.
He's almost done.
Okay, that's enough.
Okay, pops, we get it.
Please don't finish.
Aah! Why do I always fall for the wrong guy? I just want a nice guy, someone who will treat me with respect.
I bet that person's closer than you think.
Oh, Connie, I'm so lucky to have a platonic friend like you.
Stop being so chicken shit, Connie.
Tell her how you feel.
Tell her you want to start a fire by rubbing your 'ginas together.
Don't talk about her like that.
Talk about who like that? Ellen's on.
Now, father, since you've returned to the civilized world, it's crucial that you learn the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork.
No, no, no.
Salad fork.
Hmm? What is going on here? Armando, these are people trying to have a nice meal.
Why you bother them? Allow me to apologize on Armando's behalf.
He is new, but he is very good boy.
Armando, uh, why don't you go and get these nice people some free bread sticks? You come back anytime.
Anybody you wanna stab him in the neck, you go right ahead.
Yippee! Aah! Aah! All aboard the Williams and Son rail road! Now departing for happily ever after! You know what would make this even better? Snow cones.
Hey, Steve, I'm doing my match dot com profile, and I need a polite way to say "no Armenians".
Now, do you think they'll take a hint if I say I don't like uni-brows, or should I also throw in "no white BMW's"? Oh, hello.
You must be Steve's father.
Excuse me.
I just said hello.
Is that any way to treat a woman? You're rude, you're disrespectful, you're Just my type.
- Do you want tutti-frutti or goo-goo gra Are you just gonna sit there and do nothing while that creep bangs your true love? Ethel's a grown woman.
She can date whoever she wants.
You're pathetic.
You don't even deserve an evil alter ego.
I'm not listening to you.
Why are we yelling at deer piss? It's not fair.
My father and I were just starting to rebuild our relationship.
I shouldn't have to share him with her.
Darling, I'll handle this.
Steve, you're going to have to accept that what your father and I have is real.
Real kinky.
Anything you can imagine, we've tried it.
Think about that for a minute.
See? She's driving me crazy.
And how does that make you feel? Crazy.
Wow, you're good.
Doctor, I understand Steve's pain, but Jonah's unlike any man I've dated before.
Sure, he doesn't say much, but so what? My banter is charming enough for two people.
That's a good one, Ethel.
Oh, it certainly is.
No, now is not the right time, sweetheart.
Fine, I'll tell him.
Steve, your father and I, we're getting married.
What? I'm sorry you had to learn this way.
I was hoping you'd find out on Facebook.
I can't handle this.
You need to choose, dad.
It's her or me.
I see you've made your choice.
Good news, I'm getting 2 grand for your kidney on the Jamaican black market.
As far as I'm concerned, we're square.
Come on, snuggly-wubs, don't sell my kidney.
Just give me a chance to win it back, double or nothing.
- I don't know.
- Please, give me a chance! - I'll bet on anything you want! - I bet you will.
- Okay, let's bet.
- We just did.
- Did I win? - Ooh, you lost.
Goddamn it! Oh, man, he's on a roll.
That was such a fun night.
Sounds like we both have a problem.
Who are you? Oh, Connie.
Here's the thing, Steve.
Neither of us want this wedding to happen.
Perhaps we should join forces.
Yeah, join forces.
Do as I say And we'll both be very happy.
Yeah, yeah.
You're you're you're not gonna hurt my dad, are you? Of course not.
He'll be fine In hell.
How did you do that? Sorry.
I farted on your candle.
Are you with the bride or the groom? She's with the bride, she's with the groom.
Anybody got a chain saw? Sorry I dragged you to this.
Actually, I dragged you to this.
Well, I'm happy for you, dad.
No ulterior motives here.
Ha! Good one.
Would you excuse me, father? I need to sabotage the wedding.
Not this wedding, a different one.
The Finklesteins, Bob and Jill.
You don't know them.
Nobody knows them.
They're made up.
Damn it! So, here it is, my life savings, just like you wanted.
$400.
So, what are we spending it on? No, don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.
Woo! - Woo! - Ooh! Uh, I got it.
We're gonna hit Ethel with this crate.
Oh, Malloy, you make the cutest ring-"bear"- er.
Oh, you are funny.
Is that why you're wearing white on your wedding day, you whore? I cannot believe you brought that thing here.
Talk about passive-aggressive.
Come on, let me get even.
One more shot, double or nothing.
You need help, Woody.
You've got a disease.
I know that because when I tried to sell your kidney, they said, "that man has a disease".
Well, I need to get this wedding started.
I've only got five minutes of clean blood left.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to legitimize the fornication between this beautiful woman and this man, who Oh, God, he's eating a rat.
Huh? My God.
Connie's totally lost it.
She's planning on murder.
I need to do something.
Dad, why don't you and Ethel switch places? Crisis averted.
Damn, she's good.
Would you, uh, excuse me, everyone? I, uh, have to make a number two.
Come on.
And now, to save my dad! Marriage is the sacred union of man and woman, not man and man, and certainly not between the races, except for Spaniards and Asians.
They make Filipinos, who are great looking and desperate for cash.
What are you waiting for? Pull the trigger.
I don't know if I can do this.
You're a weak, bloated land whale.
Why did I even lug that stupid boudoir up here? Freeze, you weak, bloated land whale.
Why is everyone picking on me? Gimme! Gimme! - No! - Aah! I'm such a dick.
Ah! - Whoa! - Gimme that! Gimme that! - Uh! - Uh! Gimme! I don't usually hit women, but I have no other choice.
Aah! Hey, let me go! Aah! Aah! Kegels.
This is terrible.
I'll never look in a mirror again.
It's gonna make it really tricky when you shave.
I just want Jonah to be okay.
Well, I want him to be more than okay, because I love him more than you do.
Oh, Steve, we're not in competition.
We love him in different ways.
Your love is innocent and simple.
Ours is nasty and dirty, violent and sexual.
Good news, everyone.
The patient's going to make it.
Yay, he's alive.
- Oh, thank God.
- Hell yeah.
Oh, one minor detail.
- He's not your father.
- What? How do you know that? I know that because he's a bear.
- A bear? - I (Bleep) A bear? Ooh, even I think that's bad.
Yes, he had a bad case of the mange.
Most of his fur fell out, but now he's as good as new.
Damn it, I bet he was a human.
I thought that was a lock.
You definitely have a gambling problem.
When we're done with you, mon, you're gonna be nothing but a mustache.
Well, at least he didn't get me pregnant.
Good-bye, old bear.
Just so you know, I'm not mad at you for lying to me and breaking my heart.
Steve, we both saw things in this bear that we wanted to see, but we learned from this.
Yeah, I learned I don't need a father to make me a man.
These past few days, I learned how to ride a bike, and I almost beat up a woman.
That's as manly as it gets.
Mmm, and I learned to be more open-minded.
After being intimate with a bear, I'm almost ready to consider dating an Armenian.
Son, is that you? Oh, no, I'm not falling for that again.
Gaah! My heart.
Oh!