Brothers (2009) s01e09 Episode Script

But I'm sitting there and all of a sudden Which one's table 7? Oh, hell.
Why do you want to know, Candy? Because I've been trained At some of the finest culinary institutes in the world, And if this idiot thinks a filet mignon should be served well done, He needs to sit his ass in a drive-thru And not in my restaurant.
I'm a chef, not a pyromaniac.
Come on, Candy.
Haven't you ever heard of the phrase, "the customer's always right?" Well, this one's wrong.
Here.
[clatter.]
you give it to him.
I won't be a party to this nonsense.
Is it wrong that she turns me on? sony pictures television Read 'em and weep.
Jack high flush, all hearts.
5 kings.
I win.
Mom, there are only 4 kings in a deck.
This is indiana boxcars.
9's are wild, so, it's a king.
Better take them glasses off.
They ain't helping you win.
Who wants a beer? Me.
I need one.
I just got railroaded by boxcar Betty.
Oh, well, we're all out.
Hey, why don't you run down to Coach world, Grab us both a beer? In fact, bring up a whole case.
And while you're down there, Could you bring some hot sauce and a box of fudgesicles? Oh, as a matter of fact, while you're down there, Make me a shirley temple.
Extra cherries.
Why do I have to be the errand boy? Maybe 'cause you got all them muscles.
Oh, man, please.
You're not helpless, Chill.
The other day, I saw you wheeling around 120-pound girl in your lap.
What was that all about? The girl broke her heel, mama.
I was just trying to be chivalrous.
Ha ha! Is that what the kids are calling it these days? So, why don't you be chivalrous And go downstairs and throw a case of beer on your lap, man? Or are you too lazy? Are you calling me lazy? Mike, you think rolling around in this thing ain't work? No! As a matter of fact, I'd love that job.
Mike, you couldn't last a week in the chair, man.
Is it just me, or is there a bet in the air? [sniffs.]
oh, I smell a bet.
[laughing.]
How much? I'll bet you anything.
Ok, I'll tell you what.
You last a week in the chair, I will stay late, close the restaurant Every night for a month, And you can have weekends off.
Oh, you're on.
Ok, then, what do I get? And it better be something good.
You know what? If you win, I'll give you my Super Bowl ring.
Oh, ho, ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Time out.
Have you lost your damn mind? There's some things you just don't wager.
Your house, your daughters, your Super Bowl ring.
Stay out of it, Coach.
It's just getting interesting.
Oh! It's not a wager Because I'm not gonna lose.
Mike, you got a bet.
Oh, cool.
Oh! I want in on this.
Uh, put me down for 100 on Chill.
All right.
You're on, too, mama.
Another lamb to the slaughter.
Well, you're gonna miss that ring, Mike.
It's sure gonna look pretty on my finger.
Or on ebay.
Good morning, sir.
So, how's your first day Going in the wheelchair so far? Piece of cake.
Oh, yeah.
That's just because it's early in the game, baby.
Watch this.
Oh, yeah.
Ha! Mike, that's wheelchair 101.
Please.
Well, Chill, this is gonna be easier than I thought.
Get ready to lose this bet, 'cause you're gonna have a lot of long nights ahead.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Hey, look.
You gotta hurry up and get dressed, man.
We gotta be to work in an hour.
So? It only takes me 10 minutes to get ready.
Well, maybe it'll take walking Mike 10 minutes.
What about rolling Mike? What are you talking about? Here, put these on.
No problem.
Hmm.
Technique look good.
Need some lotion.
Yeah, whatever.
Mm-hmm.
Ain't as easy as you thought, huh? All I gotta do is this.
Ha ha ha! Mike, look, man, we can end this bet right now.
All you gotta do is get out of the chair, Pull your pants up and give me the ring, man.
I'd rather go to work half-naked Instead of letting you win.
Heh.
Nobody wants to see your frank and beans.
Shut up and leave me alone.
Hey, by the way, You can pull your pants up The same way you can end this bet.
Lay down.
[sighs.]
Unh! I wasn't wearing these pants anywhere today.
What are you looking at? Some baby-makin' hips.
[laughing.]
Come on.
Don't laugh at me.
I'm serious.
I know you are.
That's why I'm laughing.
Come on, adele.
I miss having a kid around the house.
And you also miss having hair, And that ship sailed, too.
All right, if you won't give it to me, Then make the boys give me a grandbaby.
Or we could adopt.
You've been watching "cosby show" reruns, haven't you? Yeah, well, so what? Well, every time you see that little rudy, You want to have a baby.
But she's as cute as a button.
Yeah.
She was.
And now, she's got your biological grandfather clock ticking.
Yeah.
Fine, well, shut it off.
Adele, come on.
Just one more kid.
Pretty please? Marcel, the only situation in which I would agree To have a kid in this house again Is if it were passing through, Having been shot out of a cannon With the front door open and the back door open And we watch it go by and say, "ooh, what a cute kid.
" And then, I perfume the veal With a splash of truffle oil And mwah! Perfection.
[applause.]
Thank you.
Kathy.
Oh, excuse me.
What? Can I talk to you for a second? Oh, make it quick.
I gotta get back to the kitchen.
Have you seen the produce bill? It's double what it was last month.
Yeah, because I bought better produce.
What? You got a problem with that? Kind of.
It's a little much.
You ordered goat cheese from the himalayas? That's because the goats at the top of everest are closer to God.
Now, let me ask you something.
Did I go down to the football field And tell you how to run your plays? No.
And do I come down to the station And tell you how to do Your stupid little halftime show? Postgame show.
Whatever.
The point is, I don't tell you how to do your job, And you don't tell me how to do mine.
But I'm the boss.
Look around you.
These people are foodies.
They're here because of me.
They're not ordering wings and beer.
They're ordering gourmet meals and expensive wines, Which improves your bottom line.
So, if you want that to keep happening, Stay out of my kitchen.
[applause.]
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
All right, bobby, you in for $5.
00.
Mohammed, you in for $50.
Raul, miguel and ping, y'all in for a group bet of $1.
00.
$1.
00.
What's happening? Oh, everybody betting against you, brother.
They said you ain't gonna stay in that chair.
You know, my daddy spent some time in a chair.
A wheelchair? Electric chair.
What'd he do? Oh, he did this.
Zzz! That's not what I meant.
I know.
I'm just a sucker for a sight gag.
[chuckling.]
He was involved in a triple homicide, And when I say "involved," I mean he killed 3 people.
Zzz! Zzz! So, did anybody bet on me? [laughing.]
All right.
I don't care what you guys think Because I'm gonna win.
Oh, tell you what.
Here.
This is tonight's reservations.
Go roll 'em up to Bambi.
All right.
Watch this, fellas.
[groaning.]
[puffing.]
Debbie, quick, grab it! [crash.]
Hi, Mike.
We bet $3.
00.
Uh-huh.
Not as easy as you thought, huh? Let me show you how you do it.
See, first, you gotta have a pair of gloves So you won't get blisters on your hands.
Then, you gotta stretch your shoulders out.
You gotta rotate 'em so you won't hurt your shoulders.
Then, you got to lean into it.
Just go back and go, [yelling.]
Bambi, come here.
Yes, boss? Here you are.
We bet $5.
00.
Man, on tv: And now, "smashmouth, the postgame show," With Anthony "avalanche" carter And Mike Trainor.
Hmph, this should be interesting.
So, uh, what happened to you, partner? Trip over your ego or something? Ha ha ha! No, I made a bet with my brother That I could spend a week in the chair.
Oh, ok.
So, you're pretending.
You'reyou're fakin' it.
Yeah, that's right.
And you know what? To be honest with you, it's not that tough.
Oh, ok.
See, that's an interesting observation.
Basically, what you're saying is, All handicapped people are a bunch of whiners, right? No, that's not what I'm trying to say, And I know what you're trying to do.
I'm not gonna fall for it.
I'm smarter than that.
But what I am trying to say is, you know what? Being handicapped, you have your advantages.
You get to park up front, You got ramps everywhere.
Heck, you get the big bathroom.
Let's face it.
If chairs weren't great, We'd all eat standing up.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Oh, I'm lovin' every minute of this.
Go ahead, Mike.
You got all the rope you need.
You know what? If you look at it objectively, In a lot of ways, Those people are lucky.
Ohh! Ohh! Ma, you better unplug the phone.
[telephone rings.]
[snickers.]
told you.
No offense.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, Trainor's.
Mike Rotch? Hold on.
Uh, Mike Rotch? My crotch.
[laughing.]
Anybod Sorry, ain't no Mike Rotch here.
And I know it's a prank, you bastard.
Hey, man, look at the talent in here tonight.
And very talented, they are.
Man, if I wasn't in this wheelchair.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Oh, please.
Don't be sorry, man.
I pick up women like this day and night.
When they see me, they don't see the chair.
They just see all this sexy.
Yeah, right.
Dude, you want me to give you a lesson In picking up women? Oh, stay right here.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Anyone you can do, I can do better.
Hold on.
Watch this.
Well, hello there.
Hi.
Do you need some help? All I need is your phone number.
Why? So we can, you know, get together.
No, thank you.
Is it the wheelchair? Honestly, yes.
I've already been with one guy in a wheelchair, And I don't want to get a reputation.
Night, Chill.
Night, colleen.
Doh! Hey, I'm just getting started.
Mmm.
Hey, beautiful.
Can I buy you a drink? You don't remember, do you? Of course I do.
I wanna make sure we remember the same thing, So you go first.
We hooked up back when you could walk.
I fell in love with you and you never called me back, And the only reason I'm a little happy to see you now Is because my prayers have been answered.
Please tell me it was a bus.
Doh! I'm not done yet.
Hi, I'm Mike Trainor.
I know who you are.
I saw you on tv last night.
Really? Yeah.
My sister's in a wheelchair, And she does not consider herself lucky, You insensitive bastard.
Doh! At least people are watching my show.
Sorry I'm late.
Bunch of handicapped protesters just pulled up in vans.
There's wheelchairs, walkers, crutches.
Looks like the attack of the very slow transformers.
Great, Mike.
Now you done managed to offend a whole community By saying we're lucky.
You know that's not what I meant, man.
All I was trying to say Is that handicapped people have it better now Than they had it 100 years ago.
Yeah, but that's not how it came out.
In fact, the closed caption was even worse.
Now, the deaf people hate you.
Let me tell you something.
If deaf people catch you, They gonna take you some place No one can hear you scream.
Hey, Coach.
Where'd you get him from? I had a coupon.
This is our next door neighbor's grandchild Kevin.
Gina asked if we'd watch him for the day.
I thought you'd like to take him for a test drive.
That's a great idea.
We'll have fun.
We'll do whatever Kevin wants to do.
Can I play with the trains? No, uh, hey, hey, hey.
That's not a toy.
They look like toys.
Oh, I know, but they're not.
So, don't touch 'em.
Well, looks like you two are getting along.
I'll see you boys later.
You're old.
What happened to yr hair? You look like an egg.
Ha ha, that's funny.
Hey! Uh, put those down.
Can I have it? No, I said put 'em down.
You're getting fingerprints on them.
[laughing.]
Uh, son, don't touch the pinball machine.
That's an antique.
Put those balls down! No! Son! Please! Hey! Adele! Oh! Adele! Hey, what's up, Chill? What you got going on? Ow! Oh, poor thing.
You got feelings? What's wrong, Mike? Is this bet too much for you? You need a break from the chair? You mean like a timeout? No, I love it.
Oh, go ahead.
Sure, it's no problem, man.
Go ahead.
Stretch your legs, man.
Go for a run.
It's all right.
I mean, all disabled people We take timeout once in a while.
Really? Yeah.
Remember when I hopped out of the chair And I ran marathon? I shocked the hell outta them kenyans.
See? Now, you're just messing with me.
You think? Let me tell you something.
The only way you gonna get out of that chair Is to go get your Super Bowl ring and give it to me.
Ha! No.
It's not gonna be that easy.
Oh, really? Mike, have you been online today? This protest has gone global, man.
There's a quadriplegic sheik who's talking jihad.
They comin' to get you, man.
And you ain't got no cave to hide in.
This is Kevin.
Kevin's ing home.
Say good-bye to Kevin.
How's your biological grandfather clock? Kevin broke it.
[thump.]
Damn.
[door opening.]
[door closing.]
hey.
Hey, pop.
Huh? Can you hand me that remote? Nope.
Why not? It's right there.
I never got Chill the remote.
I'm not getting you the remote.
Oh, come on.
I'm just asking for a little help.
Well, you know what? Your brother never asked for any help, And you don't give him enough credit for that.
Well, maybe because I'm used to him being in the chair.
Plus, he acts like it doesn't bother him.
Well, it's called grace, son.
You could use some.
Hold on.
Why are you coming down on me? The bet was his idea.
I don't care whose idea it was.
I am not giving you that remote.
It wouldn't be fair.
All right.
I'll find a way to get it myself.
And you know I'm gonna win.
Maybe.
Your mother wins that $100, she's taking me to dinner.
That's right.
Well, you both are gonna go hungry Because, mama, you're not gonna get my money.
Yes, I am.
'cause your brother's gonna beat you.
And do you know why? Why? Because, in the back of your mind, You know you can get up.
That's right.
Who's driving a convertible? That's mine.
You're parked in a handicapped spot without the placard.
Yeah, I know.
Well, what the hell are you gonna do about it? Hey, look, man.
I'll move the car As soon as I finish my beer, all right? I think you should move it now.
Really? Or what? You gonna roll over my toes? Ha ha ha! Or better yet, maybe you're going to crawl over here And bite my ankles.
Ha ha ha! Oh, you think you're funny, huh? Get out there and move that car.
Ah, ha! You lose, baby! Come on, Chill.
I was so close, man.
You know he deserved that.
I stood up for your people.
You should have kept sitting down.
Put a ring on it.
You lost, huh? Yeah.
Eat this.
Oh, my God.
This is delicious.
I know.
You looked like you needed a little slice of love.
Thank you, Candy.
You're welcome.
Now, I know at times, I seem belligerent and overbearing And aggressive and even a little scary.
Not that bad.
Oh, yes, I am.
So, stay the hell out of my kitchen.
She gonna have my baby.
Uh, sir, my finger sure feels empty.
Where's my merchandise? There you go.
A bet's a bet.
I'm a man of my word.
Why, thank you, sir.
I must admit, Chill, I didn't know how hard it was gonna be 'cause you make it look so easy.
So, you're saying I'm a better man than you.
[snickers.]
I'm not going that far.
But if the roles were reversed, I don't think I could have handled it as well as you have.
Thank you, man.
Look how she glitters.
Come on, man.
Don't rub it in.
Yo, here, man.
You don't want it? Mike, I just wanted you to see what it's like To roll a mile in my wheels, man.
That's all.
It was never about your ring, man.
Thank you, man.
Hmm.
You know, I got one of them Super Bowl rings.
Except mine's a fake.
Where'd you get a fake Super Bowl ring? I slept with a fake Tom Brady.
Then robbed him.
You don't have any happy stories, do you? No.
But they all got happy endings.
Just ask fake tom.
Oh! This is gonna be good.
Mike gotta eat humble pie in front of everybody.
How was your week, Mike? I see you're out of the wheelchair.
Was it some kind of miracle? No, avalanche, But what I did learn last week was miraculous.
I said a lot of things on air That offended a lot of people.
So, I'd like to take this time to apologize And clear up my statements.
[chuckling.]
wonder how he's gonna screw this up? Oh, stop it.
Give your brother a chance.
I want to be absolutely clear about one thing.
There's nothing lucky about being handicapped.
Attaboy! Mike, on tv: As a matter of fact, The opposite is true.
Handicapped people are the unluckiest people on earth.
Ohh! Ohh! He does not disappoint, does he? Thank you for that time to get that out, avalanche.
It's very important to me To send the right message to the kids out there.
And thank you for that career-ending commentary, Mike.
Let's go to the highlights.
Right now, please.
[telephone rings.]
[ring.]
Man: Stand by, Chill.
Second man: Thank you.
Are we ready? Rst man: Ready.
Thank you.
Action.
Open the there we go.
That's it.
Ok, I'm ready.
All right, and action.
[rattling.]
Chill, get in there.
[banging.]
Chill! Chill: I can't.
Chill, get in there.
[knocking.]
[laughing.]
Chill.
[indistinct.]
[crying.]
hey, what's up, man? They locked the door.
Ok.
[laughing.]
I locked it on you.
I'm sorry.