Brown Nation (2016) s01e09 Episode Script
The Baby Issue
[in Hindi.]
Look at you! You are holding the baby like you are never going to return him to the parents.
He reminds me so much of Dimple when she was little.
My mom had exact same eyes.
These kids are so innocent so divine-- [gasps.]
OMG! [in English.]
I told you! I told you, don't play with your food.
Go away! [groans.]
Oh, God.
You're not going to be like sunny uncle's kid when you grow up.
No throwing food.
[telephone rings.]
Papa.
We just left the doctor's office.
We'll be home in 15 minutes.
Doctor's? Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
-We have some good news.
-Good mews? [theme music.]
[in Hindi.]
Good news? About time this Talwar family has some good news.
Boy or girl? Who knows? But I think it's a boy.
Early morning dreams always come true.
The Gujju son-in-law has done at least something right.
[doorbell rings.]
One minute, I think they are home.
[in English.]
Beta, you're home.
Say hello.
Hi! What's this? What's going on? Why is the whole family on Skype? Beta, I wanted the whole family to be here when I heard the news.
We don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.
You know how much politics there are in this family.
What news? [in Hindi.]
Where is Hasmukh? Show us his face.
Oh, hello.
Uh, namaste, Auntie.
Namaste, Uncle.
[in English.]
Oh, you've done it, my boy.
Stop embarrassing him.
[in Hindi.]
What's the shame in this? He is a man.
He knows what he is doing.
[In English.]
What's going on? -They think that you're pregnant again.
-I'm not pregnant.
What do you mean? Why did you say you have good news? Because Hasmukh only has a mild case of hem-- -Dimple.
-What's wrong with him? Nothing's wrong with me.
Papa, haven't you noticed that he's been in pain for the past week? -No, no, no.
I'm not in any pain.
-So you're not pregnant? [whispers.]
No, I am not pregnant.
[in Hindi.]
What's going on there? We can't hear a thing.
She cannot get pregnant.
The doctor said there is a problem with Hasmukh.
[in Hindi.]
I knew it from day one, Gujjus.
Hey, Papaji, I'm fine.
Hey.
I'm engaged! -Orange juice.
-Thanks.
It's already been 24 hours since we got engaged, and everyone's like, "When's the wedding?" God, people.
Give us a break.
Yeah, you know how everyone is.
Everyone just wants to be you.
It's so true.
They're like, "When's the wedding?" Then, "When are the babies?" -Then "When are the grandkids coming?" -[both laugh.]
What do you think about mystic blue as a color palette? It might clash with the Eastern attire, though.
But it'll looks so beautiful with the ocean in the background.
-The ocean? -Yeah.
I always wanted a destination wedding.
How are your hemorrhoids doing? It's not hemorrhoids, it's just a little discomfort, that's all.
When you sit like that, it's hemorrhoids.
Trust me.
I know.
What are you, a doctor now? No, but I'm friends with your doctor on Facebook.
Did you see what he posted? How can't do that.
That can't be legal.
-I have to confess something.
-Really? I might have led Samantha on a little bit.
I lost her and now I have her and now I don't really want to [sighs.]
I don't know.
It's complicated.
Hyder, you just proposed to her.
Listen, I've never seen her this happy.
You try living with her for a day.
Look, it's been 22 hours since I "proposed" to her and she already has the wedding venue picked out.
The minute we get home, she whips out a binder this thick, filled with wedding plans that she's compiled her whole life.
We have a stack of wedding books this high on the kitchen table.
It's like I'm engaged to an encyclopedia salesman.
I have no idea what to do-- Are you okay? Seriously? [grunting.]
Hyder, you You can't take that back.
[sighs.]
I know, I know.
Man, what I wouldn't give to trade places with you.
Look at you sitting pretty over there.
Your only worry in the world, a sharp pain in your butt.
Give a million dollars to trade places with you.
Oh, my God.
Hyder, look at this.
Isn't it colorful? It is something.
This was Dimple's destination wedding dress.
Destination wedding? But our reception was in Surat.
It was destination for me, Hasmukh.
Maybe I can combine the Hawaiian color palette with a Middle Eastern twist.
But the ocean in the background The ocean is always the problem.
[sighs.]
Yeah, you know the ocean, with the water and pirates.
Look, Samantha, I hate to get ahead of ourselves, but we still haven't told my parents.
There's religious and cultural issues.
Hyder, your Mom is Catholic and your dad is Muslim.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Come on, Dimple.
Let's go look at flower arrangements.
So I might have made a tiny mistake.
[groans.]
Sir, are you okay? I'm fine, Balan.
I'm good.
-How are you? -I'm good.
Uh Before we start, can we just know what this meeting's about? Nobody sent out an agenda.
Just trying to manage my time is all.
The agenda for this meeting is that there is no agenda.
The point of this meeting is to get to know one another.
Every Tuesday for 30 minutes.
We'll call it "Team Tuesday".
It's a great way to find out more about each other.
Does anybody here know that Balan's a great singer? [stammers.]
No, not really.
-[Hasmukh.]
Sing something, Balan.
-I [vocalizing.]
-That's good.
Keep singing.
-[vocalizing.]
I Throat problem.
-Thank you.
-He's really good.
-[Vinny.]
What? -He's fantastic.
All right, so I'm on a date with this bad chick, right? As always.
And I take her on a romantic dinner, you know what I mean.
Red Lobster's unlimited Cheddar Bay biscuits, killing it.
So we go back to my place, know what I mean.
Whoopty-whoop.
We start doing what we do.
And she's saying all this stuff, like, "Oh, my God, your eyes look like pure cut emeralds.
" You know, "I wanna build monuments for you.
" Normal stuff, what they always say.
Then, I hear a door open behind me.
I don't think much of it, 'cause I'm in my zone, you know, making magic happen for her.
Then next thing I know, it's my psychopath ex-girlfriend standing behind me.
Also a model.
And she's like, "Look, if I can't have you, nobody can.
" Sucker punches me right in the face.
Look at this! Vinny told me you ran into a pole while grocery shopping with your mom.
-[all snickering.]
-You can't trust no Indian named Vinny! He's lying.
Vinny wasn't even there.
He's a liar.
-Uh, excuse me, Hasmukh.
-[Hasmukh.]
Hi, Joseph.
We're in the middle of a very important meeting.
Very important.
[Joseph.]
I'm also having an emergency going.
No hot water coming.
Don't worry.
Don't call a plumber.
Let me finish this, okay? -[Joseph.]
Uh, okay.
-[Hasmukh.]
You're good, you're good.
[inhales deeply.]
What? I'm fine.
So this is the section where people leave comments.
And once we decide on an actual wedding date, we can use the site to plan.
[groans.]
Oh, my God.
What's wrong? I don't feel too good.
I feel like ever since we got engaged you've been feeling queasy.
Ohh I think it's just that I'm overwhelmed with, uh all this joy.
Uh, it's kind of like when you eat too much Baklava -Mm-hmm.
-mistakenly.
[woman sings in foreign language.]
Can you turn that TV off, please? [TV off.]
Beta, I know it's not your fault.
But I am blaming you for not fixing the problem.
Papa, I hate it when you talk to the entire family about our personal problems.
You know I don't like it.
Then why don't you tell me what goes on behind those doors? Every time I look, it is closed.
I don't want to talk about the details of my baby-making process with you.
Hasmukh and I are having some issues.
We will sort them out.
Stop trying to hide for him.
You know what I told your mother the first time after seeing him? I said, "He looks like a man who will have trouble making babies.
" Papa, he looks like that.
he's not really like that.
Samantha? You okay? What's wrong? -He left.
-Who? Hyder.
He went to Lebanon.
Read this.
"Dear Samantha.
I hope this letter finds you well.
By the time you read this letter, I will be in Lebanon.
There is a secret you should know.
I belong to an aristocratic family that is fully devoted to helping the poor people of Lebanon.
I was urgently called on duty by my father yesterday to serve for humanity.
Your Hyder.
" I knew there was something wrong ever since he proposed.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, Hasmukh.
[in Hindi.]
Come son, have a seat.
[holds in a groan.]
How are things going? They're good.
Business is good.
Things are taking over.
It's never easy, you know.
I know, you have a lot on your mind.
I understand the trouble you are going through.
I just want you to know I will always be here if you need someone to talk to.
Well, thank you, Papaji.
That really means a lot.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of men your age go through it.
Yeah, I know.
It's just so competitive out there.
I heard one person say you have to do something 10,000 times before you finally succeed.
I'm so close, Papaji.
So close.
And Dimple Oh, Dimple.
She keeps me on my toes every day.
Not a day goes by where she's not on top of me.
She's always driving me to go harder and faster for longer, even when I'm tired, she gets me up on my feet and-- [in Hindi.]
Enough.
Stop right there.
Just read this, okay? Your papaji thinks that I'm impotent! -You know how he is.
-He wants to take me to see a doctor.
I know, honey.
I'm sorry, okay? It's just I don't want to upset him.
You know what happened last time.
You should just go.
Go to the doctor, what difference does it make to you? Why can't you just tell him the truth, Dimple? I don't want him to have another heart attack.
Okay? By the way, you should see this.
What the hell is this? Wait, is that Hyder? Why is he mounting a camel? It came from Lebanon today.
He wants you to have that picture so you don't forget him.
Lebanon? Hyder? [boys.]
Hi, Papa.
[footsteps approaching.]
[in Malayalam.]
Told you so many times not to hang out here.
Get out! Now! No playing here.
Sorry, Hasmukh.
[chuckles.]
Ancy is on double shift.
So I have to take care of the kids.
[Hyder.]
It's me, Hasmukh.
I thought it was you.
I had a feeling that you'd not gone to Lebanon.
I'm still "in Lebanon" for all practical purposes.
Listen, Dimple and I cannot get involved.
All right? I'm in too deep already.
Don't worry about it.
I have all my bases covered.
Samantha made me go over to your apartment last night.
Where are you hiding? What, are you in a motel or something.
I can't answer that question.
What's important is that I'm okay, and Samantha is okay.
You know, she'll move on once she realizes my life is too complex for her.
Why don't you just talk to her? It will be better for the both of you.
I've missed your lectures as I've been away.
But if I wanted to be lectured, I'd still be engaged.
You are still engaged.
You just ran away.
That doesn't make you unengaged.
And I'm getting involved? I don't want to get involved right now, I've got too many things going on in my life.
I know I know, your father-in-law emailed me.
Told me about your, um issue.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna send you some medicines.
You're gonna be fine.
My father-in-law emailed you? Why do you go to him about things like that? You have a friend here who's so well-connected.
That man is driving me nuts and I can't even talk to him because of his heart condition.
He's clearly overplaying it.
How did this become about you? By the way, I need to borrow $500, preferably twenties, if you have them.
I got these cards, right? They're useless.
Samantha gets the statements.
She sees them, she'll realize I'm still here.
-Minor planning mistake on my part.
-[knocking on door.]
Good news.
Mookie fixed the coffee machine.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Put that on as a story for next Tuesdays meeting, Roli.
Coffee machine's fixed.
Oh, Lemont.
Are you going on a grocery run, by chance? Yeah, I can't carry too much, 'cause, you know, Lakisha's got me doing errands.
You know, it's that time of the month, know what I mean.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I understand.
Um, look, if it's not too much trouble, could you maybe pick up some two-percent milk and organic eggs, and maybe some free-range baklava, if they have it? Baklava?! Where you think I'm going, Beirut? I'm just going downstairs to Avi's Deli.
It's just that the whole milk is not sitting well with my intestine.
Uh, maybe if you just swing by a Whole Foods? Yeah, swing by a Whole Foods, please.
Man, where do you think we live, SoHo? [Lakisha.]
Hey, Monty.
Who drank up all the OJ and put the container back? Here's the-- Here's the Facebook posting.
"Hemorrhoid victims unite.
Let's put this disease behind us.
" -And then you tag my name? -Yeah.
When I inject humor into these, the likes go up dramatically.
Same with cats, it's just a good way to get stuff, yeah.
-This is considered a privacy issue! -No, no, no, no.
I'm building an online community on my Facebook page for people like you, where you can exchange your embarrassing stories with one another in a safe place open to anyone with an Internet connection.
I don't want to be part of an online community! I hear what you're saying, and my attorney said it's fine, and you did sign a confidentiality waiver.
So we're good.
-I did? -You did.
Don't know why we're talking about Facebook.
Your father-in-law had me bring you in to do fertility tests, so let's do that.
-Fertility tests?! -Fertility tests, yes.
Let's get to that.
Look, I feel bad about this whole Facebook thing, so tell you what, I'm gonna give you a free prostate exam before you leave, all right? So let's go.
[in English.]
"Dear Samantha.
The desert is brutally hot.
But deeply cooling at the same time.
" Did he just break up with me? Maybe you can have your destination wedding in Syria? [sighs.]
Oh, my God.
This is so embarrassing.
Do you know how many followers I have on my website? And what do I tell them? Hey guys, sorry.
But I just got dumped by my lunatic fiancé of two days who happens to be on a spiritual journey.
But he was thoughtful enough to get me a jar of sand.
I'm sorry, Samantha.
You know you have my shoulder to cry on.
Why does this say "Coney Island" on it? [chuckles.]
Listen, I know we're business partners and all that, but, uh you got to go.
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
Lakisha she's not happy with all this.
Lemont, I told you, I am good for the rent.
You know, it's-- It's being wired to me as we speak.
You know my bank situation.
It's fine.
It's not just about the rent.
It's about the sausages.
The s-- The sausages? We had three Jimmy Dean's sausage, egg and cheese sandwiches.
That was her breakfast.
You ate them all.
Rent she'll tolerate.
But don't nobody mess with her food.
[knocking.]
Uh, who is it? -[knocking continues.]
-Who is it? Uh, Samantha.
I am back! Yes, my spiritual journey was cut short.
We fed the children.
We fed them spirituality.
Um, it turns out they wanted sandwiches.
But, our trip got cut short.
Good news.
And I came to surprise you! Surprise! [groans.]
Samantha, don't go! I can't believe you talked to my doctor.
This is too much, Papaji! I have to be concerned if my daughter is not having a baby -after five years of marriage.
-This is too much! -What are you so ashamed of? -I'm not ashamed.
I just don't need a fertility test.
I'm totally fertile, everything is fine.
If you are fine, then what are you hiding? Papa, please, stop it.
Beta, he didn't take the test.
I told you he was lying.
I can't live with these lies and deceit in this house any longer.
-Just get me my ticket back to India.
-Who's gonna pay for that ticket? Okay, stop it! Everybody just stop it! Papa, there's something I have to tell you.
Dimple No, I'm tired of this.
He has to know the truth.
Wait.
I have his pills, just in case.
Pap, everything is fine with Hasmukh.
We have a good physical relationship on the weekends.
I am the one with the problem.
Beta, are you sure? Fertility has always been our family's biggest strength.
Even now, your mommy could have a child if she wanted to.
So can you.
I don't want to have a child right now.
I'm sorry, I just can't handle that responsibility when my career is finally taking off.
[telephone rings.]
See? That's probably my agent calling again.
It's just the cable company.
Okay, that's not the point.
The point is that we're not ready for kids right now.
We'll have a kid when we're ready.
And anyway, who do we need? We just need, you, Bobby and me.
And Hasmukh, of course.
It's okay.
I still have your brother.
It'll be only a couple of years before he gets married and has a kid of his own I suppose.
Isn't your brother gay? When is that topic going to come up? I don't know about you guys, but I had a fantastic weekend.
I took my wife out for a dinner without her even asking.
That's how you treat my cousin! Jijaji doing your thing! Boom, man, boom.
-[Joseph.]
Hi, Hasmukh.
-Hey, Joseph.
How are you? I think this is your mail.
-Kids by mistake opened it.
-[Hasmukh.]
Oh, that's okay, Joseph.
-[Joseph.]
It's from Lebanon.
-[Hasmukh.]
Lebanon? Looks like this is Viagra.
It-- It's vitamins.
God, I love Team Tuesday.
Hello, Samantha.
[theme music.]
Look at you! You are holding the baby like you are never going to return him to the parents.
He reminds me so much of Dimple when she was little.
My mom had exact same eyes.
These kids are so innocent so divine-- [gasps.]
OMG! [in English.]
I told you! I told you, don't play with your food.
Go away! [groans.]
Oh, God.
You're not going to be like sunny uncle's kid when you grow up.
No throwing food.
[telephone rings.]
Papa.
We just left the doctor's office.
We'll be home in 15 minutes.
Doctor's? Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
-We have some good news.
-Good mews? [theme music.]
[in Hindi.]
Good news? About time this Talwar family has some good news.
Boy or girl? Who knows? But I think it's a boy.
Early morning dreams always come true.
The Gujju son-in-law has done at least something right.
[doorbell rings.]
One minute, I think they are home.
[in English.]
Beta, you're home.
Say hello.
Hi! What's this? What's going on? Why is the whole family on Skype? Beta, I wanted the whole family to be here when I heard the news.
We don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.
You know how much politics there are in this family.
What news? [in Hindi.]
Where is Hasmukh? Show us his face.
Oh, hello.
Uh, namaste, Auntie.
Namaste, Uncle.
[in English.]
Oh, you've done it, my boy.
Stop embarrassing him.
[in Hindi.]
What's the shame in this? He is a man.
He knows what he is doing.
[In English.]
What's going on? -They think that you're pregnant again.
-I'm not pregnant.
What do you mean? Why did you say you have good news? Because Hasmukh only has a mild case of hem-- -Dimple.
-What's wrong with him? Nothing's wrong with me.
Papa, haven't you noticed that he's been in pain for the past week? -No, no, no.
I'm not in any pain.
-So you're not pregnant? [whispers.]
No, I am not pregnant.
[in Hindi.]
What's going on there? We can't hear a thing.
She cannot get pregnant.
The doctor said there is a problem with Hasmukh.
[in Hindi.]
I knew it from day one, Gujjus.
Hey, Papaji, I'm fine.
Hey.
I'm engaged! -Orange juice.
-Thanks.
It's already been 24 hours since we got engaged, and everyone's like, "When's the wedding?" God, people.
Give us a break.
Yeah, you know how everyone is.
Everyone just wants to be you.
It's so true.
They're like, "When's the wedding?" Then, "When are the babies?" -Then "When are the grandkids coming?" -[both laugh.]
What do you think about mystic blue as a color palette? It might clash with the Eastern attire, though.
But it'll looks so beautiful with the ocean in the background.
-The ocean? -Yeah.
I always wanted a destination wedding.
How are your hemorrhoids doing? It's not hemorrhoids, it's just a little discomfort, that's all.
When you sit like that, it's hemorrhoids.
Trust me.
I know.
What are you, a doctor now? No, but I'm friends with your doctor on Facebook.
Did you see what he posted? How can't do that.
That can't be legal.
-I have to confess something.
-Really? I might have led Samantha on a little bit.
I lost her and now I have her and now I don't really want to [sighs.]
I don't know.
It's complicated.
Hyder, you just proposed to her.
Listen, I've never seen her this happy.
You try living with her for a day.
Look, it's been 22 hours since I "proposed" to her and she already has the wedding venue picked out.
The minute we get home, she whips out a binder this thick, filled with wedding plans that she's compiled her whole life.
We have a stack of wedding books this high on the kitchen table.
It's like I'm engaged to an encyclopedia salesman.
I have no idea what to do-- Are you okay? Seriously? [grunting.]
Hyder, you You can't take that back.
[sighs.]
I know, I know.
Man, what I wouldn't give to trade places with you.
Look at you sitting pretty over there.
Your only worry in the world, a sharp pain in your butt.
Give a million dollars to trade places with you.
Oh, my God.
Hyder, look at this.
Isn't it colorful? It is something.
This was Dimple's destination wedding dress.
Destination wedding? But our reception was in Surat.
It was destination for me, Hasmukh.
Maybe I can combine the Hawaiian color palette with a Middle Eastern twist.
But the ocean in the background The ocean is always the problem.
[sighs.]
Yeah, you know the ocean, with the water and pirates.
Look, Samantha, I hate to get ahead of ourselves, but we still haven't told my parents.
There's religious and cultural issues.
Hyder, your Mom is Catholic and your dad is Muslim.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Come on, Dimple.
Let's go look at flower arrangements.
So I might have made a tiny mistake.
[groans.]
Sir, are you okay? I'm fine, Balan.
I'm good.
-How are you? -I'm good.
Uh Before we start, can we just know what this meeting's about? Nobody sent out an agenda.
Just trying to manage my time is all.
The agenda for this meeting is that there is no agenda.
The point of this meeting is to get to know one another.
Every Tuesday for 30 minutes.
We'll call it "Team Tuesday".
It's a great way to find out more about each other.
Does anybody here know that Balan's a great singer? [stammers.]
No, not really.
-[Hasmukh.]
Sing something, Balan.
-I [vocalizing.]
-That's good.
Keep singing.
-[vocalizing.]
I Throat problem.
-Thank you.
-He's really good.
-[Vinny.]
What? -He's fantastic.
All right, so I'm on a date with this bad chick, right? As always.
And I take her on a romantic dinner, you know what I mean.
Red Lobster's unlimited Cheddar Bay biscuits, killing it.
So we go back to my place, know what I mean.
Whoopty-whoop.
We start doing what we do.
And she's saying all this stuff, like, "Oh, my God, your eyes look like pure cut emeralds.
" You know, "I wanna build monuments for you.
" Normal stuff, what they always say.
Then, I hear a door open behind me.
I don't think much of it, 'cause I'm in my zone, you know, making magic happen for her.
Then next thing I know, it's my psychopath ex-girlfriend standing behind me.
Also a model.
And she's like, "Look, if I can't have you, nobody can.
" Sucker punches me right in the face.
Look at this! Vinny told me you ran into a pole while grocery shopping with your mom.
-[all snickering.]
-You can't trust no Indian named Vinny! He's lying.
Vinny wasn't even there.
He's a liar.
-Uh, excuse me, Hasmukh.
-[Hasmukh.]
Hi, Joseph.
We're in the middle of a very important meeting.
Very important.
[Joseph.]
I'm also having an emergency going.
No hot water coming.
Don't worry.
Don't call a plumber.
Let me finish this, okay? -[Joseph.]
Uh, okay.
-[Hasmukh.]
You're good, you're good.
[inhales deeply.]
What? I'm fine.
So this is the section where people leave comments.
And once we decide on an actual wedding date, we can use the site to plan.
[groans.]
Oh, my God.
What's wrong? I don't feel too good.
I feel like ever since we got engaged you've been feeling queasy.
Ohh I think it's just that I'm overwhelmed with, uh all this joy.
Uh, it's kind of like when you eat too much Baklava -Mm-hmm.
-mistakenly.
[woman sings in foreign language.]
Can you turn that TV off, please? [TV off.]
Beta, I know it's not your fault.
But I am blaming you for not fixing the problem.
Papa, I hate it when you talk to the entire family about our personal problems.
You know I don't like it.
Then why don't you tell me what goes on behind those doors? Every time I look, it is closed.
I don't want to talk about the details of my baby-making process with you.
Hasmukh and I are having some issues.
We will sort them out.
Stop trying to hide for him.
You know what I told your mother the first time after seeing him? I said, "He looks like a man who will have trouble making babies.
" Papa, he looks like that.
he's not really like that.
Samantha? You okay? What's wrong? -He left.
-Who? Hyder.
He went to Lebanon.
Read this.
"Dear Samantha.
I hope this letter finds you well.
By the time you read this letter, I will be in Lebanon.
There is a secret you should know.
I belong to an aristocratic family that is fully devoted to helping the poor people of Lebanon.
I was urgently called on duty by my father yesterday to serve for humanity.
Your Hyder.
" I knew there was something wrong ever since he proposed.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, Hasmukh.
[in Hindi.]
Come son, have a seat.
[holds in a groan.]
How are things going? They're good.
Business is good.
Things are taking over.
It's never easy, you know.
I know, you have a lot on your mind.
I understand the trouble you are going through.
I just want you to know I will always be here if you need someone to talk to.
Well, thank you, Papaji.
That really means a lot.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of men your age go through it.
Yeah, I know.
It's just so competitive out there.
I heard one person say you have to do something 10,000 times before you finally succeed.
I'm so close, Papaji.
So close.
And Dimple Oh, Dimple.
She keeps me on my toes every day.
Not a day goes by where she's not on top of me.
She's always driving me to go harder and faster for longer, even when I'm tired, she gets me up on my feet and-- [in Hindi.]
Enough.
Stop right there.
Just read this, okay? Your papaji thinks that I'm impotent! -You know how he is.
-He wants to take me to see a doctor.
I know, honey.
I'm sorry, okay? It's just I don't want to upset him.
You know what happened last time.
You should just go.
Go to the doctor, what difference does it make to you? Why can't you just tell him the truth, Dimple? I don't want him to have another heart attack.
Okay? By the way, you should see this.
What the hell is this? Wait, is that Hyder? Why is he mounting a camel? It came from Lebanon today.
He wants you to have that picture so you don't forget him.
Lebanon? Hyder? [boys.]
Hi, Papa.
[footsteps approaching.]
[in Malayalam.]
Told you so many times not to hang out here.
Get out! Now! No playing here.
Sorry, Hasmukh.
[chuckles.]
Ancy is on double shift.
So I have to take care of the kids.
[Hyder.]
It's me, Hasmukh.
I thought it was you.
I had a feeling that you'd not gone to Lebanon.
I'm still "in Lebanon" for all practical purposes.
Listen, Dimple and I cannot get involved.
All right? I'm in too deep already.
Don't worry about it.
I have all my bases covered.
Samantha made me go over to your apartment last night.
Where are you hiding? What, are you in a motel or something.
I can't answer that question.
What's important is that I'm okay, and Samantha is okay.
You know, she'll move on once she realizes my life is too complex for her.
Why don't you just talk to her? It will be better for the both of you.
I've missed your lectures as I've been away.
But if I wanted to be lectured, I'd still be engaged.
You are still engaged.
You just ran away.
That doesn't make you unengaged.
And I'm getting involved? I don't want to get involved right now, I've got too many things going on in my life.
I know I know, your father-in-law emailed me.
Told me about your, um issue.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna send you some medicines.
You're gonna be fine.
My father-in-law emailed you? Why do you go to him about things like that? You have a friend here who's so well-connected.
That man is driving me nuts and I can't even talk to him because of his heart condition.
He's clearly overplaying it.
How did this become about you? By the way, I need to borrow $500, preferably twenties, if you have them.
I got these cards, right? They're useless.
Samantha gets the statements.
She sees them, she'll realize I'm still here.
-Minor planning mistake on my part.
-[knocking on door.]
Good news.
Mookie fixed the coffee machine.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Put that on as a story for next Tuesdays meeting, Roli.
Coffee machine's fixed.
Oh, Lemont.
Are you going on a grocery run, by chance? Yeah, I can't carry too much, 'cause, you know, Lakisha's got me doing errands.
You know, it's that time of the month, know what I mean.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I understand.
Um, look, if it's not too much trouble, could you maybe pick up some two-percent milk and organic eggs, and maybe some free-range baklava, if they have it? Baklava?! Where you think I'm going, Beirut? I'm just going downstairs to Avi's Deli.
It's just that the whole milk is not sitting well with my intestine.
Uh, maybe if you just swing by a Whole Foods? Yeah, swing by a Whole Foods, please.
Man, where do you think we live, SoHo? [Lakisha.]
Hey, Monty.
Who drank up all the OJ and put the container back? Here's the-- Here's the Facebook posting.
"Hemorrhoid victims unite.
Let's put this disease behind us.
" -And then you tag my name? -Yeah.
When I inject humor into these, the likes go up dramatically.
Same with cats, it's just a good way to get stuff, yeah.
-This is considered a privacy issue! -No, no, no, no.
I'm building an online community on my Facebook page for people like you, where you can exchange your embarrassing stories with one another in a safe place open to anyone with an Internet connection.
I don't want to be part of an online community! I hear what you're saying, and my attorney said it's fine, and you did sign a confidentiality waiver.
So we're good.
-I did? -You did.
Don't know why we're talking about Facebook.
Your father-in-law had me bring you in to do fertility tests, so let's do that.
-Fertility tests?! -Fertility tests, yes.
Let's get to that.
Look, I feel bad about this whole Facebook thing, so tell you what, I'm gonna give you a free prostate exam before you leave, all right? So let's go.
[in English.]
"Dear Samantha.
The desert is brutally hot.
But deeply cooling at the same time.
" Did he just break up with me? Maybe you can have your destination wedding in Syria? [sighs.]
Oh, my God.
This is so embarrassing.
Do you know how many followers I have on my website? And what do I tell them? Hey guys, sorry.
But I just got dumped by my lunatic fiancé of two days who happens to be on a spiritual journey.
But he was thoughtful enough to get me a jar of sand.
I'm sorry, Samantha.
You know you have my shoulder to cry on.
Why does this say "Coney Island" on it? [chuckles.]
Listen, I know we're business partners and all that, but, uh you got to go.
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
Lakisha she's not happy with all this.
Lemont, I told you, I am good for the rent.
You know, it's-- It's being wired to me as we speak.
You know my bank situation.
It's fine.
It's not just about the rent.
It's about the sausages.
The s-- The sausages? We had three Jimmy Dean's sausage, egg and cheese sandwiches.
That was her breakfast.
You ate them all.
Rent she'll tolerate.
But don't nobody mess with her food.
[knocking.]
Uh, who is it? -[knocking continues.]
-Who is it? Uh, Samantha.
I am back! Yes, my spiritual journey was cut short.
We fed the children.
We fed them spirituality.
Um, it turns out they wanted sandwiches.
But, our trip got cut short.
Good news.
And I came to surprise you! Surprise! [groans.]
Samantha, don't go! I can't believe you talked to my doctor.
This is too much, Papaji! I have to be concerned if my daughter is not having a baby -after five years of marriage.
-This is too much! -What are you so ashamed of? -I'm not ashamed.
I just don't need a fertility test.
I'm totally fertile, everything is fine.
If you are fine, then what are you hiding? Papa, please, stop it.
Beta, he didn't take the test.
I told you he was lying.
I can't live with these lies and deceit in this house any longer.
-Just get me my ticket back to India.
-Who's gonna pay for that ticket? Okay, stop it! Everybody just stop it! Papa, there's something I have to tell you.
Dimple No, I'm tired of this.
He has to know the truth.
Wait.
I have his pills, just in case.
Pap, everything is fine with Hasmukh.
We have a good physical relationship on the weekends.
I am the one with the problem.
Beta, are you sure? Fertility has always been our family's biggest strength.
Even now, your mommy could have a child if she wanted to.
So can you.
I don't want to have a child right now.
I'm sorry, I just can't handle that responsibility when my career is finally taking off.
[telephone rings.]
See? That's probably my agent calling again.
It's just the cable company.
Okay, that's not the point.
The point is that we're not ready for kids right now.
We'll have a kid when we're ready.
And anyway, who do we need? We just need, you, Bobby and me.
And Hasmukh, of course.
It's okay.
I still have your brother.
It'll be only a couple of years before he gets married and has a kid of his own I suppose.
Isn't your brother gay? When is that topic going to come up? I don't know about you guys, but I had a fantastic weekend.
I took my wife out for a dinner without her even asking.
That's how you treat my cousin! Jijaji doing your thing! Boom, man, boom.
-[Joseph.]
Hi, Hasmukh.
-Hey, Joseph.
How are you? I think this is your mail.
-Kids by mistake opened it.
-[Hasmukh.]
Oh, that's okay, Joseph.
-[Joseph.]
It's from Lebanon.
-[Hasmukh.]
Lebanon? Looks like this is Viagra.
It-- It's vitamins.
God, I love Team Tuesday.
Hello, Samantha.
[theme music.]