Bunheads (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Wow, long line.
Popular joint.
I don't know about you, but I'm so glad this place opened.
That gas station swill is so bad I almost started drinking tea-- tea! This isn't new.
Bash is an institution around here.
- Bash? - Short for Sebastian.
He was away at a coffee competition in Europe.
I'm guessing the competition wasn't a race.
- Long wait.
- Not if you're reading.
- Hi.
- I've got trig.
Hope it's not contagious.
Hey! I know this guy.
It's my friend Richard-- big fancy choreographer now.
We were in the chorus together, probably before you were even born.
Dear lord, that's actually true.
Fair trade, single-origin Nicaraguan macchiato with notes of honeydew, fig and hard candy.
Is that a peace symbol in the foam? It is.
Sorry it took so long, but my first one looked like a Mercedes symbol, so I had to redo it.
Thank you.
Hi, I'd like the biggest coffee you have.
- Bup.
- Sorry, first time here.
Do you call your large a small or have some other crazy system? - I don't subscribe to the customer-gets-to-choose thing.
- Really? - No.
- It's a popular subscription.
- How many coffee-brewing awards do you have? - 12.
I beat the Italians and the French.
I see.
No one beats the Italians and the French.
They have roasts named after them.
I'm sure your mother is very proud.
I have two dads.
Don't assume.
Can we get back to coffee? I'm guessing you like a dry nonfat latte, - extra shot of espresso.
- Wow, you're dead on.
Okay, I guess you can order for me.
- That's the devil's brew.
- The devil has good taste.
I need to ask you a few questions.
- Are you currently taking any medications? - Just Martinis.
that frankly could still go either way, but nothing spicy, no.
How did you feel about "The Year of Magical Thinking"? - What does that have to do with my coffee? - Nothing.
- I was making conversation.
- Oh, well, I haven't actually had a chance to read-- bup bup.
I need to focus on the beans.
- That's good.
- ( Bean clinks ) That's good.
Can I read your trig? ( Theme music playing ) 1x09 - No One Takes Khaleesi's Dragons - And! Are you filled with lead? This is "The Nutcracker," not "Dumbo.
" ( Groans ) Straighten your knees.
- Just looking for my phone.
- Again? - You won't even notice me.
- Seems unlikely.
Next group.
Arabesque, Matisse.
Oh my God.
Are you okay? - It's been happening all morning.
- You're killing dancers? - I'm thinning the herd.
- This is not all right.
- At least I'm getting to rest.
- You'll be getting lots of rest.
Take your things, ray ray.
You're not needed.
Why are you stopping? Were you perfect? No, you were not perfect.
Michelle, show them how it's done.
- Me? - Yes, you.
They need to see what a proper jete looks like.
- I don't think that's appropriate.
- You're a dancer, right? - Yes.
- And this is a dance studio, right? - It is.
- Then I can't imagine anything more appropriate.
- But I'm not even warmed up.
- Oh, just do it.
( Sighs ) - That was terrible.
- I told you I wasn't warmed up! You also told me you were in A.
B.
T.
Who knows what to believe? You know what? This isn't fun.
All right, let's try it again.
Madame Fanny, we've been doing this for three hours.
- May we please take a break? - ( Exasperated sigh ) Fine.
Two minutes-- no water, no sitting.
And don't think you can sneak in a lean either.
( Girls chattering ) "The Nutcracker" is performed thousands of times a year.
Why can everyone else find a Clara and I can't? - It's the world's lamest conspiracy.
- Here, you're driving me crazy.
- Use it to call your phone.
- It's on vibrate.
We won't hear it.
Oh please, vibrate still makes that annoying buzzing sound everyone hears even though we're all supposed to pretend it's silent.
- Look at that, you just found a lamer conspiracy.
- All I'm saying is you may as well have a ring tone, then at least we could find the damn thing.
So I just found out my friend Richard's - choreographing a touring company of "Follies.
" - That's a fun show.
Yeah.
He and I were in the chorus together a million years ago.
We spent this crazy summer at a rental at Martha's vineyard and we came up with one of those silly pacts that whoever made it first would help the other one.
- That's silly, right? - Michelle, are you still considering performing? No.
Not really.
I don't know.
- I like the show.
- Then call him.
Huh-uh.
I don't beg for work.
It feels desperate.
You're right.
And you realize that's how every great performer - made it, by waiting quietly.
- Oh, you know what I mean.
I'm sure when Brad Pitt was starting out he just sat at home waiting for people to find him.
Okay, that's a terrible example.
He's Brad Pitt.
I'm sure he could just sit at home and wait.
Well, my dear, you are no Brad Pitt.
Look, if Richard wants to find me, he can find me.
How? You're not on Facebook like a normal person.
And cellphones weren't even around back then, so he certainly doesn't have your number.
And even if he did, it would be a miracle if you knew where your phone was.
- Where was it? - I'm not telling you until you get a ringtone.
All right, enough resting.
I want chaines across the room on the diagonal.
- And! - ( Tapping stick ) Hi, I'm calling for Richard.
Oh sure, just tell him Michelle Simms called.
I'm an old friend.
Oh, and tell him I said to watch out for the strawberries and bikini bottoms.
He'll know what it means.
- Michelle, must you? - You told me to! Where are you spotting? It was an inside joke we had at Martha's vineyard.
Okay, well, have him call me as soon as he gets the message.
Yeah, this number.
Thanks.
- Hey! - Melanie: Shh! Don't call attention to us! - We're hiding from Fanny.
- Melanie: We don't want her to think of us for Clara.
So we're hoping it's out of sight, out of mind.
- I'm pretty sure Fanny can sense you.
- Shh! Okay, sorry sorry.
I'm not good at quiet.
- Crouch.
- What? If madame Fanny looks out here, she's going to think you're talking to a bush.
Well, now she'll think I'm praying to one.
Look, I know Fanny's crazy, but would it be so bad to play Clara? That's not an opportunity that comes along every day.
No one's ever going to live up to Sasha.
It's a losing proposition.
And I'm very happy as a sugar plum fairy.
It's what I've been for the past 10 years, and it's what my fans have come to expect.
- Your fans? - Well, my mother and Josh.
Probably now just my mother since I broke up with Josh.
Don't honk! Don't honk! Oh sure, tell everyone the Jewish girl's in the attic.
- What? - She's calling way more attention to you than I was! That's our getaway car.
You're welcome to stay here if you want.
Crouched in the bushes? Enticing, but no.
So what's the plan? - Do we make him drive us to get tampons? - I'm starting to think - it's not fair to make Charlie drive us around all the time.
- It's totally fair.
We're helping my parents teach him a lesson about recreational drug use.
- Those weren't drugs; they were pizza spices.
- That you planted in his room.
Then we're teaching him a lesson about keeping his door locked.
- Either way lessons are being learned.
- Loser, I'm waiting! For what, chest hair? 'Cause that's never gonna happen.
I think I'll just get a ride with boo this time.
- I'm going straight to work.
- Then I'll come with you.
- I can study in the walk-in or something.
- Don't be weird.
Come on.
We'll stop by later.
- What are you doing? - Sitting in back.
No, ugly sits in back, otherwise it causes an accident.
You know I like to stretch out.
That's the deal.
I stretch out in the backseat and you sit in front and mess up his radio stations.
- So you're the one who messes with my stations? - Uh - I guess I owe Dez an apology.
- Yeah.
Don't let me stop you.
Do your thing.
That's okay.
This station's fine.
- The radio's not on.
- Right.
- Right.
- ( Engine starts ) I'm on my 10.
That's restaurant talk for 10-minute break.
Thanks for clarifying.
Your code was pretty hard to crack.
- Where's Sasha? - I don't know.
She texted she was coming.
It's so weird not seeing her at ballet every day.
- I kind of miss her.
- She'd slug you if she heard you say that.
Oh, that makes me miss her even more.
What if she just apologized to Fanny? Fanny obviously wants her back.
But how do we get her to apologize? It might not be that hard.
I mean, do Sasha and cheerleading really seem like a match made in heaven? Cheerleaders are perky and spunky and bouncy.
- All adjectives Sasha hates.
- What do I hate? Being late when I only have a 10.
- That's code for a 10-minute break.
- Sorry.
I was on my way, but then I found a mix CD on my doorstep from my secret sister - and I had to go back in and listen to it.
- What's a secret sister? Cheerleading thing.
The older girls are matched up with the new ones, - and they surprise us with presents.
- Sweet.
Unfortunately, mine is an idiot who doesn't seem to realize that putting her initials on everything blows the whole "secret" part of it.
Especially when her initials are Z.
Q.
But she makes me brownies and puts them in my locker like we're going steady.
- Sounds annoying and fattening.
- It's not that bad.
- Seriously? - Once you accept the fact that you spend - a lot of time in sneakers, it's kind of fun.
- Cheerleading? Yeah.
And it's super easy.
We only practice an hour a day-- less if anyone has cramps or zits.
An hour? I can't even imagine that.
What do you do with all your free time? I'm finally exploring that Internet everyone's been talking about, - and then there's TV.
- I remember TV.
The best part is I don't even have to multi-task while watching it.
I can just sit there, like someone in the Midwest.
- I'm officially depressed.
- Oh, come on, we're having fun too.
Yeah, tell me, what's the latest? - Fanny's gone psycho since you left.
- Really? Like full on bates motel, shower stabbing, wearing your mother's wig "Psycho.
" - No way.
- She can't find anyone for Clara.
And she's torturing everyone in the process.
- ( Phone chimes ) - Vanessa has a black eye.
- We're just not even talking about it.
- ( Laughs ) - What? - My secret sister.
She wants me to go to the soccer field for a surprise.
Zoey Quindlin, what will you think of next? - ( Giggles ) - Did she giggle? Melanie: Worse-- she giggle-texted.
She's one high ponytail away from needing an intervention.
Hi, it's Michelle Simms calling again for Richard.
Oh okay, no, I'm sure he's busy.
I just-- Would you mind reading my message back to me? I wanna make sure it's right.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Although, now that I think about it, let's lose the bikini bottoms.
Which, funny enough, is what happened in the story.
Or maybe not so funny.
Okay, so just tell him Michelle Simms from the rental called! You don't have to do the inflection.
Oh, just have him call me.
I came prepared this time.
Lots of reading material.
- ( Phone ringing ) - Oh, that was fast.
Probably too fast, unless he walked in just as his assistant was hanging up and was like, "Wait!" But she was like, "I just hung up.
" And he was like, "Call her back, bitch.
" I don't know why Richard's talking to his assistant like that.
Oh my God, okay, I used to keep it on vibrate, but there was this-- oh! ( Phone ringing ) - That did not happen.
- I am so sorry.
I made a perfect likeness of Bob in the foam.
Weird-- I had a frosted flake this morning that looked like Simon le Bon.
- He went to get his camera.
- Good, you can make another one.
I am an artist.
It doesn't work like that.
Oh, come on, I'd expect that defeatist attitude from the French baristas, but not you.
I'm here, I'm here.
Don't hang up! Fanny: Why would I hang up? I called you.
- Fanny? - I need you to open the studio.
- Boo and Carl are waiting to rehearse.
- Now? You have something better to do? - I do.
Something important.
- You're an out-of-work showgirl living in a one-room guest house behind a dance studio.
- How important could it be? - I'm next in line for coffee.
- Oh for heaven's sake.
- I've been waiting all morning to get this far.
- Well, Michael and I are at brunch.
- Brunch? It's a meal between breakfast and lunch, most often enjoyed by childless couples and gay men.
- I know what brunch is.
- They have bottomless mimosas here - which, frankly, I just see as a challenge.
- You poisoned me.
Now all I can do is Simon le Bon.
- Am I on speaker? - Not on purpose.
- How rude.
Sorry, Bash.
- Not your fault, Fanny.
- Hanging up now.
- Go unlock-- I really didn't mean to destroy your art.
Again-- - Oooh! - ( Trophy rolling ) ( Thuds ) I am going to need a moment.
- What are you doing? - Fanny asked me to open the studio.
- Fanny asked me to open the studio! - Yes.
And then she was afraid you wouldn't do it, so she asked me to open the studio.
If she didn't trust me, why didn't she just call you in the first place? It does seem the obvious choice.
And if you knew you were coming, why couldn't you call me and tell me not to come? What if something happened to me en route? I thought we should be each other's back-ups.
We're not pilots! I was next in line for coffee.
And not gas-station coffee, the coffee that takes forever.
Halley's comet went by twice while I was waiting.
I assume you're being hyperbolic.
Icebergs formed and melted again during the time I was in line.
- Definitely hyperbolic.
- The guy in back of me had gills when we started.
Please stop yelling at me.
Hey! Ready to dance? I have to change my shoes.
So what are you guys doing here so early? We're working on the Astaire-Rogers dance - for the opening of the new supermarket.
- Wow.
Yay? It's a premier supermarket with Chinese takeout, a donut counter, a coffee place and an A.
T.
M.
and stamps.
Okay, it's been a long time since I was a teenager, but I'm pretty sure I never got that excited about a supermarket.
Unless I was making out behind one.
I guess I'm just looking forward to the dance part.
Hold that thought.
What are you doing? - Opening the studio.
- In pioneer times? This is what I do when I open.
I want it to smell like pumpkin pie - when Fanny comes in.
- Wow.
Sometimes I light the vanilla candle and make it pumpkin pie a la mode.
- Speechless.
- It's what I would want someone to do for me.
Okay.
Well, I'm here now and the studio is open, so you're free to go.
Are you gonna light the candles? - No.
- Then I guess we know why Fanny called me.
You know, guys, as long as I'm here, I'm happy to give you some feedback, - be fresh eyes while you rehearse.
- No.
- You don't have to do that.
- It'll keep my mind off my sad coffeeless state.
- No, we're cool.
- Actually, fresh eyes might be good.
The sooner we get the dance right, the sooner we can stop rehearsing.
I think Baryshnikov said the same thing.
Get stretched and we'll start.
( Whispers ) Can I talk to you for a second? - What's going on? - You have to go! - Something I said? - I can't compete with the legs, the hair and the pretty-without-trying.
- Not following, but thank you.
- It's just - I kind of like Carl.
- Like, like him like him? Yeah, I do.
Sorry to do this again, but hold on.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- Truly! - I thought Fanny might like - some fresh-cut flowers when she comes in.
- Go! - Wow, so you like Carl.
- Yeah, but nobody knows, including him, so the only time we get to hang out is when we're rehearsing.
That's why you were hyperventilating about the supermarket opening.
- Okay, pieces coming together.
Consider me gone.
- Thank you.
- Boo, I'm on limited time here! - Right.
Sorry.
Thanks for the girl talk-- I finally understand what the heck skin toner does.
- See ya.
- Wait, I thought you were helping us.
Well, I could help you, but if I do all the helping for you, - what will you learn? - Huh? - Teach a man to dance and he eats fish for a lifetime.
- That doesn't make sense.
Nope.
Okay, have fun.
So guess what? I made us those dream bars I told you about.
I'm not much of a baker, so they may taste more like nightmare bars-- We're in training.
I don't think we should be having any bars.
- Oh.
- And we should probably cut the chit-chat and get started.
Okay, yeah.
Fanny: You're wasting my time.
Just go.
Go go go.
Go go go go go! Worthless, completely worthless.
Look at this.
We have our arms around each other.
They call themselves dancers.
Who taught these girls? It's me and him, me and him, me and him! If I don't find a Clara, there's going to be no one to give the nutcracker to! And we're doing that leaning heads thing.
- You only do leaning heads with friends.
- Is that you? - Yeah.
- You were pretty.
Not loving the past tense.
That's me and Richard.
- That choreographer? - Yeah.
- Did you talk to him? - I left messages, but he hasn't called me back.
I thought maybe I was remembering our friendship wrong, but look-- proof! - He's probably just busy.
- Too busy to call a friend he leaned heads with? He's putting on a show.
That's a lot of work.
And I found the receipt for the rental.
Guess what-- I paid for Martha's vineyard! I feel for him.
Casting is impossible.
Your situation is not impossible.
There's an easy solution.
- Which is? - Talk to Sasha.
I'll be happy to talk to her-- after she apologizes to me.
Seriously? She's 16, you're 100.
- She was in the wrong.
- So be the mature one and go to her.
I'll do no such thing.
It's up to her to come to me.
Okay well, I hope you've stocked up on water and toilet paper - because you're in for a long wait.
- ( Twig cracks ) Hold it! - You could play Clara.
- You know he's a boy, right? Matthew Bourne did "Swan Lake" with all boys.
Get in here.
All right, stand right over there Hi, it's Michelle Simms again.
I just thought I'd see if I could catch him.
Still not there.
You know, this show's never gonna get off the ground if he doesn't start showing up for work.
Okay well, just tell him I called and-- Wait, that was him.
No, I just heard his laugh.
Two titters and a snort, that's definitely Richard.
No, I know his snort, lady! Trust me.
"Bright Lights, Big City" was his favorite book.
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
Tell him not to call me back and tell him he still owes me for the Martha's vineyard rental! And jump and jump and higher! Higher! There's no line.
Seriously? Seriously there's no line? All right! Day officially saved.
I'll take one coffee, any brew, any bean, you're the boss.
You sure you don't want to make a call first? - Knock anything over? - Oh good, we're still on that.
- Destroy things that are near and dear to me? - Again, really sorry.
I have my old archery trophies at home.
You could take a crack at those.
- Archery? - I could see if my dads are free.
You could hurl some anti-gay slurs at them.
Okay, aren't I the customer here? Yes, and I'm the owner and the owner's always right.
I'm pretty sure that's not the expression.
- Who's got the coffee? - You.
- Who wants the coffee? - Me.
I don't think we need to be discussing the power dynamic any further.
Now, why don't you have a seat? And your coffee should be up in 10, 15 minutes.
- Seriously? - Why would I joke? ( Sighs ) I just-- I sort of understood the wait when the line was down the block.
But I'm the only one here.
Couldn't we maybe speed things up a little? - I don't see how.
- You could skip the little heart in the foam.
- You want a different design? - You could skip the design entirely.
- But that's my signature.
- I promise I won't tell anyone.
It's not my coffee without the design.
- I'll sign a confidentiality agreement.
- I won a contest you know.
Yes, for making coffee.
You didn't cure cancer or figure out malaria.
You brew coffee-- and I'm grateful for that, but let's keep a little perspective.
You know what? You're right.
Sometimes I get inside my head, take myself a little too seriously.
Been that way my whole life.
I get it from mom.
- I thought you had two dads.
- We call one of them "mom" so it's not confusing.
- Ah.
- I'll start that coffee for you.
Thank you.
( Whistling ) What are you doing? - Cleaning the machine.
- Now? - The light's on.
- I'm begging you.
I'll drink dirty coffee.
Don't make me grow old at this counter.
You're sitting.
Why are you sitting? - I'm reading the manual.
- Who reads the manual?! Award-winning baristas.
Oh-oh my God! You know what? You and I are through, because in a week we're getting a new supermarket-- a premier supermarket-- where in one fell swoop I can get garlic chicken and stamps and a raised glazed donut and 15 cups of coffee in five minutes.
And I'll know that coffee will have my name misspelled on the cup and world music will inexplicably be for sale at the register and no matter where I am, it will look like Seattle in the '90s and I can't wait! ( Tapping ) And we're dancing.
And we're dancing.
And we're bringing it home.
Sam, home's over here.
To your left.
Your other left.
There you go! Well, they say you can't go home again.
All right, great class, everybody.
See you next week.
- Hey, Sam, can I ask you something? - Shoot.
- How long you been taking tap? - I don't know, two, three years.
- You're not getting any better.
- I know! - I mean you're truly terrible.
- Right?! - And you're okay with that? - I figure improvement breeds expectation.
Expectation breeds disappointment.
- And disappointment breeds wrinkles.
- Exactly.
- Hey, wow, that looks bad.
- Yeah.
Just so everyone knows, I'm teaching Fanny's class today.
( Sighs of relief ) Hey, look at that-- a Christmas miracle.
I finished the final fittings for the supermarket dance.
You just need to steam them and give them a mist with lavender spray.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
But they look lovely.
Great! Carl's not here, but I can take his to him.
Hey, you're not talking about the new supermarket, are you? The premier supermarket, the one that opens in exactly six days, eight hours and 47 minutes.
- Yeah, it's not opening.
- What? Shut that sucker down.
We got them on a zoning technicality.
I'm surprised Fanny didn't hear about it.
- But the coffee.
- And the dancing.
- The dancing for coffee.
- If I don't dance with Carl, I'm not going to see him anymore.
Hey, who got them on a zoning technicality? The association for the preservation - of keeping it real in paradise.
- That can't be the name.
I know, it's a mouthful.
That's why we call it taft-poki-rip.
- Who can I talk to to undo this? - You can talk to me.
- I'm on the committee.
- Great.
Undo this.
- Nope.
See you next week.
- Okay, seriously, Sam.
There's got to be something I can do here-- file a grievance or pass a motion or gather a posse.
I don't know.
Read the handbook.
I'm hungry, my feet hurt, I want to go home.
People have been really looking forward to that place opening.
- What people? - Well her.
Bambi eyes.
Bambi eyes.
She'll get over it.
I'm not going to let it happen.
Hear me, boo? - Fight the good fight.
- They are not taking Khaleesi's dragons! Cheerleaders: We're gonna b-e-a-t, we're gonna b-u-s-t, we're gonna beat them, bust them, that's our custom.
Come on, pirates, let's readjust them! - Go-ooooo pirates! - Whooo! - Uh, Sasha? - Yeah.
We talked about this.
I need you to not kick so high, because the rest of us can't do it, 'kay? I swear I'm trying.
Believe it or not, this is a low kick for me.
Yeah well, as head cheerleader, I determine the official kick height.
And this is it.
So it's really more of a half kick? We need to be uniform or someone could stand out.
- Well, I will try harder to be mediocre.
- Thank you.
- No way.
- Look at you with the ponytails and the pep.
- I didn't know you guys were coming.
- I count six.
- What? - Pom poms.
You're wearing six pom poms.
That we can see.
- They make us wear this.
- It's cute.
I can't believe all these people are here watching you cheer.
Okay, we're only 10 minutes late.
How is it already 47-2? - Do we suck? - Apparently.
If you'd told me you were coming, I would've told you not to bother.
Sasha! We're making a pyramid! - Gotta go.
- Let's get snacks.
- You're going to stay? - Of course.
Oh.
Super.
Go team! I can't believe we're wasting our Friday night at a basketball game.
- We're doing it for Sasha.
- The Sasha part is fun.
But the rest is still a basketball game.
Which is why we have junk food.
To keep us distracted for however long a basketball game is.
- ( Carl talking ) - Oh.
- What? - ( Girl laughs ) Ginny: Oh, what are they laughing at? Maybe he admitted he lives in a tree, making cookies.
- He's such a loser.
- He's not that bad.
- Hey, who has my nachos? - Charlie: Hey.
- Go away.
What? - Move over.
Move! - What are-- what are you doing? - What do you think? - Watching the game.
- We're not Gyllenhaals.
- Are you stealing from my bag? - Why, do you have something good in there? Ginny, your nachos-- they're not going to be safe over here.
- Those aren't mine.
- Yes, they are.
They're the disgusting ones with extra cheese and ketchup.
- No, I don't eat nachos.
- You just asked me for them.
- No, I didn't.
- I'll take them.
So I didn't know you liked basketball.
Uh-huh, it's got baskets and balls.
- Seriously, stop breathing.
- I'll die.
Yes, exactly.
You're really into the game.
I'm watching Sasha cheer.
Yay, Sasha! ( Buzzer sounds ) Hi, hello and how do you do? We are the pirates.
We welcome you.
My name is Aubrey.
I live to cheer.
With me in town you'll have no fear! My name is Sasha.
I-- ( Coughing ) - Think she's okay? - Probably just a bug.
- Like she's sick? - No, moron, like she swallowed a bug.
Sasha: You go ahead, go ahead.
When I was five, I swallowed a bug in Aruba.
I freaked out so much my parents gave me a pina colada just to shut up.
I like coconuts.
- What were you saying, boo? - I didn't say anything.
Boo, start talking! We never get to talk any more.
What's going on with boo? - I don't know.
- That's hilarious! - God, you are so funny.
- I'll be right back.
No, boo! Come back, boo.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, it's great.
I just-- - I have to go.
- You getting more food? No, definitely not getting more food.
Or going to the bathroom.
I don't-- do that.
- Oh my God, Ginny! Did you push her? - I didn't touch her! - I'm okay! - Let me help you back up.
No, I'll just go this way since I'm already heading down - Hey, whatcha doin'? - Just promoting team spirit.
Cool cool.
So did you have to audition to become a cheerleader? Yeah, it's not like Harvard.
You don't get born into it.
- That's so interesting.
- Is it? So what's your favorite thing about cheering? - We're really doing this? - Why not? Okay, what's going on? Why the sudden interest in all things cheer? Uh, Sasha? We talked about this.
No fraternizing with the fans while cheering, 'kay? - Sorry.
- Victory cheer, everyone.
- Are you serious? - No, it's a big joke.
We're down a million to four.
Victory is a mathematical impossibility.
- We need to motivate them.
- How about we cheer "Stay in school, learn algebra, you have no future in sports"? - That's not motivational.
- We'll throw in "Hey hey" at the end.
- But-- - This is the problem with men today.
They go straight from sports-- where we tell them they can do anything-- out into the cruel hard world where clearly they can't.
And they have no coping skills, so they walk around the rest of their lives confused, stunned as to what happened.
They were supposed to be lords of the universe, not wearing a fake referee's outfit at the local Footlocker.
So they drink and get fat and die of a stroke at 46 all because we jumped around yelling "Yay team," instead of letting them feel like the failures that they are.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I wasn't sure if you heard about the supermarket opening.
- It's not happening.
- Oh, you heard.
- Fanny called me.
- I didn't know that.
She did.
Well, it's too bad no one's going to see our dance.
Maybe madame Fanny can find a different place for us to perform it.
- I think my dancing days are over.
- What? I'm busy with school.
And let's be honest, I'm not that good.
- That's not true.
- Boo, please.
It's a miracle you're not on crutch.
Well, maybe I'll see you at a game sometime.
Probably not.
I just came tonight to get extra credit for P.
E.
Oh.
- ( Whistle blows ) - I'd better pay attention to the game.
- Coach Meyer will quiz me.
- Okay.
Well, see you around.
Yo, pretty boy! Spread the word-- we're having a meeting to oppose the closing of the supermarket tomorrow night at 8:00 at Fanny's dance studio.
It's all on the flyer.
Which, B-T-Dubs, is where you come in.
I need your help in getting the word out, so no one leaves here without one of these puppies.
Buy a drink, get a flyer.
Order an appetizer, get a flyer.
Go to the bathroom, get a whole stack of flyers.
Got it? - Who are you? - Oh, I'm Michelle.
Vegas dancer, married Hubbell, sex at the party, car crash-- it was in all the papers.
- I don't read the paper.
- Right, because it's not 1950.
All good things happen outside a paper.
You ever seen a baby deer born in the paper? - Uh - Only way a baby deer is in the paper is if it causes a pile-up.
You read the paper, you'd think all baby deers were killers.
- That's nuts.
- If the truth is nuts-- I promise you, no baby deers die in these flyers.
- Cool.
- I'm just trying to save the supermarket-- and the coffee.
- Right on.
- So I decided to go "Footloose" on the committee's ass and call a meeting.
- ( Cellphone buzzing ) - Ooh, I'm buzzing.
Hello.
Oh hi, Mr.
Mortimer.
Thanks for calling me back.
Yes, that is correct, we are holding a dinner in your honor.
90 years on this planet is nothing to sneeze at.
Tomorrow night at 8:00 at Fanny's dance studio.
Did you want the chicken or fish? Great, see you then.
- Wow.
- Oh, like he's gonna know the difference.
You ever try to save a supermarket? You do what it takes.
- That's nuts.
- I know.
- No, like seriously crazy.
- You don't have to tell me.
I lived in Vegas.
I played craps with Dennis Rodman.
I know crazy.
Okay, so I've got to hit the synagogue, tell them about the bris we're having tomorrow night at 8:00.
But remember-- No one leaves here without a flyer.
You didn't give me a flyer.
I hope you get better at this.
Okay, so I was thinking tonight we'd go for a snack theme of things on top of related things.
What, like whipped cream on ice cream? Amateur hour.
I've got cookie dough to put on cookies and soft cheese to spread on hard cheese.
- I'm not really hungry.
- What are you doing? This is the taking-off portion of the evening.
- Why aren't you changed? - I'm comfortable.
Ugh, get out! - Like I want to stay.
- We're getting beer.
You want anything? Uh, we're not bringing her anything.
- Ginny can have something.
- No thanks.
I'm not much of a drinker.
Or eater.
I don't really ingest.
That's not mine.
All right.
Later.
See, this is why we should've set up in my room.
Maybe we can change the locks before they get back.
- ( Door closes ) - What the hell.
- What? - Okay, freak, what's going on with you? You've been acting 50 shades of cray-cray lately.
I know! I can't think or talk and my stomach hurts all the time.
And I don't know why, but I borrowed my mother's nightgown from her honeymoon just in case he'd see me in it and I don't even think it'll fit.
She's 15 times taller than me, and ever since I found out Charlie likes me, - nothing I do makes sense.
- Charlie? - My brother Charlie? - He asked boo about me and now my brain is 95% empty.
I seriously cannot form words when he's around.
All that happens in my head is me going, "Talk talk talk.
" But the more I think that, the more I realize I haven't actually said anything.
And then I end up giggling and occasionally drooling.
I can't do this.
I can't be always interesting and never hungry.
It makes me want Josh back.
'Cause at least I could eat and speak and wear comfortable pants! - Wait, are you saying you want to date Charlie? - That's not the point! The point is I'm acting like a mental patient! No, the point is you can't date Charlie.
- What? - Boo likes Charlie.
- I know.
- That means as long as you're friends, you cannot go near him.
It's bra code.
- But Charlie doesn't like boo.
- It doesn't matter! She owns the rights.
Maybe if Boo becomes a nun or a lesbian, then you could consider liking Charlie.
But only with her permission and there still might be some blowback.
So "moonstruck" yourself, do what you gotta do, but this stops now.
Where are you going? To get sweats and a big t-shirt for you to sleep in! It hasn't started yet? I was sure I was late.
- Why are you dressed like that? - For the "Sound of Music" sing-along.
- I'm Brigitta.
- It's a neighborhood council meeting.
- A what? - Michelle suckered us all into coming with a web of lies.
- You're kidding.
- That couple over there is waiting for a bris.
Guy over there is expecting a bachelor party.
And she told us we were going to Skype with Hugh Jackman.
- Okay, why would you think that was true? - She said they were friends.
- And you believed her? - Yeah, how could we be so dumb, Brigitta? Mr.
Mortimer, you don't look a day over 85.
Your snapper will be ready any minute.
- So where is everybody? - Right here.
- Seriously? - Yeah, you got a great turnout.
This is a great turnout? - It's packed.
- Wow, I am so not Kevin Bacon right now.
- Glad I didn't bring my Bible.
- We should get started.
Sure.
So what do I need to do? Is there, like, a gavel or a gong or Ed McMahon waiting in the wings? We're starting! Now why the hell are we here? - Man: Bingo! - Woman: Free puppies! - Melanie: "Sound of Music" sing-along! - Okay, hi.
I'm Michelle Simms and I've called this meeting because your committee is blocking the opening of the new supermarket, and I for one think this is a mistake.
Right now the only option we have for our grocery needs is that hole-in-the-wall, wants-to-be-a-real-store-when-it-grows-up Joe's market which, let's be honest, it's not just tiny, it's a little creepy, with the weird lighting and dusty shelves and always smelling like bug spray.
Makes you wonder what kind of weirdo Joe is.
- I'm Joe.
- Oh.
Uh, you have a lovely market.
I'm simply suggesting we could also use a store with more than one kind of mustard.
- Maybe grainy or-- - Nope, nothing grainy.
I don't want any of that fancy stuff they pass from limo to limo.
- But-- - Golden-- that's the mustard for me.
- ( All agreeing ) - Right.
Then what about convenience? Right now if you want a bottle of wine with dinner, you have to go from Joe's lovely market all the way across town to the liquor store.
Yeah, and so do the kids trying to buy beer.
This way they're either deterred or they get some exercise.
Let me just cut to the chase.
The people of paradise deserve a good cup of coffee.
- We got that barista.
- Bash.
- He won awards.
- He killed the Italians and the French.
- I heard he even beat a guy from Seattle.
- That's a myth, just like Sasquatch or Rogaine.
No one beats the Seattle baristas.
Joe: I saw the trophy with my own eyes.
Okay yes, he's a very talented barista.
But I'd like my coffee before I drop dead.
I don't know what to tell you.
We don't have a problem with it.
No, what you have a problem with is progress.
That's what this is.
You're scared Scared of the big store coming in and threatening your one-mustard town.
You say you got them on a zoning technicality? I say that's code for fear.
We don't care about the zoning thing.
We've been fighting this battle for years.
That was just the legal mumbo-jumbo that let us finally pull the plug on it.
- This project's bad news.
- Well, nothing's perfect.
Sometimes there are trade-offs.
They want to pollute the river.
The study said in three years there'll be nothing but two-headed fish.
Well, two heads are better than one.
- Don't forget the ducks.
- Every duck within a 50-mile radius-- dead.
Except the ones that fly off and infect all the ducks in the United States.
Dead ducks from coast to coast.
Well, on the surface that sounds bad, but on the other hand-- coffee.
They also use five year olds to pick their vegetables.
Why do you hate kids and ducks? ( Crowd murmuring ) I'll be right back.
- Hey.
- I got your message.
Good.
Good to know technology can be trusted.
So are you expecting me to say something? Because you're the one who called this meeting.
Yes, and I thank you for coming.
That sounded weird.
Actually everything with us is weird lately.
Good thing there's no "us" any more since the dance was canceled.
And apparently, you're just interested in me as a dance partner.
- That's not true.
- That's what your friends said.
- My friends were wrong.
- Your friends were jerks about me making you lasagna and you didn't disagree.
Lasagna really does make me sick to my stomach, so that part was true.
But not the other stuff they said.
I don't know why I didn't say anything right then, but you have to believe me, I don't want to just be dance partners.
I like-- - See, she's with Carl! - So? - So she doesn't like Charlie any more! - That's not the point.
- You still can't date Charlie! - What are you talking about? You're dating Charlie? - No, not yet.
- Not ever! - You said you didn't like him.
- I didn't.
- Now she does.
- You know how I feel about Charlie.
- Melanie: That's what I said.
- I've liked him forever.
- I know! - You said you wouldn't date him.
You told me to my face "It's not like I'd date him or anything.
" - I was there.
- Total violation of bra code.
- Ginny: Look, I haven't even gone out with him yet.
- "Yet"! - Obviously, you want to.
- Ginny: You were the one who told me he liked me.
Because I thought I could trust you not to go after the guy I like! I'm sorry, I just caught you kissing someone.
You can't own Shorty McShorterson and every other guy in the world! - It's not fair.
- Life's not fair.
Oh, so wise! So tall and so so wise! Hey, I'm just standing up for my friend! - She wouldn't do this to you, right, boo? - I'm an idiot.
I'll never have coffee again.
Come on! I'll miss coffee.
It smells good.
It makes you talk fast.
It goes nicely with cake and pie and all your basic baked goods.
Yeah, I'm not really much of a coffee person myself.
So why'd you come to the meeting? I had a feeling that you might not get much of a turnout, thought you could use some back up.
Oh, a boy scout, huh? Helping an old lady across the street? - I like your shirt.
- Thanks.
- What's it mean? - That you're even younger than I realized.
You have a whole "old" thing going on tonight, huh? - Let me take that.
- This was dumb.
- This whole thing was dumb.
- Someone your age should've known better.
I guess I just wanted to feel like I had some kind of control over something in my life, you know? Nothing is under your control.
You just gotta let things happen.
Yeah, okay, surfer boy, get back to me in 10 years, - we'll see how you're doing with that.
- It's not about age.
- It's about philosophy.
- Well, here's my philosophy: I believe in controlling everything.
And putting cheese on stuff.
- You need to go surfing.
- Yes, that is exactly what I need.
- I could take you.
- Absolutely, pick me up at noon.
Once I got you out on the waves, you'd let all this go.
You'd surrender to the ocean.
Wow, that is an awesome line.
And I bet with your face and other parts that it works-- a lot.
- How about tomorrow? - No.
- Next day? - No.
"No" is really just another way of saying "yes.
" You're adorable.
And I love the flirting thing you've got going here, but you and I-- really different.
That combo could seriously never happen.
We'll see.
( Scoffs ) Hey.
- Hey.
- Why aren't you out there? I sprained my spirit.
- They don't kick very high, do they? - No.
- But they're uniform.
- You're right.
- They all kick the same unimpressive height.
- ( School bell ringing ) All right, what are you doing here? Dressed like that? With the punky Brewster hair? - Just go apologize to Fanny.
- Can't.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your friends.
They're dying.
Half the class is out with P.
T.
S.
D.
- The other half wishes they were.
- It's not that simple.
Really? 'Cause it doesn't seem that complicated.
I've got stuff I'm dealing with.
You wouldn't understand.
When I was growing up, my homelife was no big picnic either.
It was like a Tennessee Williams play, but without all the happy endings.
So I get it.
You've got, what? Two more years till you're out of the house.
And this summer you're at Joffrey, so that's really two years minus a summer.
That's nothing.
You've just got to suck it up.
Be tougher.
Life is unfair, deal with it.
Look, I have no doubt you can keep the stubborn thing up for a long time.
I respect your commitment to the sulk.
But I can tell you from experience, one really stupid mistake when you're young can change everything, take away options, make you sorry you didn't listen to the person who has a really embarrassing picture - of you on her cellphone.
- What? - ( Clicks ) - Nice.
Oh, that's a keeper.
Quitting ballet now is a really stupid mistake.
- Michelle: Are those jumps? - It's sad when you have to ask.
Seriously, did they learn them in a room with really low ceilings?