Call Your Mother (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[Moaning]
Sharon, what are you doing?
I thought you said yoga
was only good for the pants.
It's not yoga, Ms. LA. It's stretching.
And you can tell because
I'm not surrounded by girls
with good bodies and evil eyes.
[Groans]
I'm just trying
something to help my back.
It's killing me this morning.
I slept funny again.
Oh, you "slept funny"?
That's your story?
What are you talking about?
You did it again last night.
Every time you take one of those
sleeping pills of yours,
you end up in bed with me.
You were there for
half an hour before you
finally wandered back to your sofa bed.
Oh. You know I have a hard time
sleeping when I travel.
Those pills are the only way
I can get my beauty rest.
And if you were so upset,
you could have woken me up.
I know. But you're so cute
when you're sleeping.
Plus, it's been a long time
since I was cuddled.
Mother Raines, Auntie Sharon,
do you mind if I store
a few things over here?
Lane's mom comes today,
so it's the parental purging
of the apartment.
We have to Barbara-proof.
Wait, you didn't hide things
when I got here, did you?
No, 'cause you didn't tell us
you were coming.
Yeah, so we didn't have time
to hide Jackie's
"neck massagers" under the bed.
Lane! Those are therapeutic.
I have a repetitive motion injury.
Yeah, and I think I know what
that repetitive motion is.
So, all the way from Ohio.
Are you picking her up from the airport?
Oh, are you gonna make
her one of those big signs
so everyone knows how much you love her?
- I've always wanted that.
- Mm-hmm.
No sign.
She thinks my handwriting is too swirly.
She's very judgmental.
She makes Simon look like Paula.
That's why I have to get rid of anything
in my life that would invite rebuke.
So, I'll be back for you on Monday.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're purging me, too?
I'm purging everyone.
My mother can be very brutal.
She'd tear you apart, Jackie.
[Scoffs] Why?
Just because I'm aggressively single
and I have that foot thing?
And I'm listed as
"undesirable" on LinkedIn?
And Match? And Instacart?
Yeah, okay, fine. She shouldn't meet me.
It's just easier
if I don't share anything
with her that she can find fault with.
I even sent Victor to
Palm Springs for the weekend.
He's perfect, and she'd probably even
manage to find something wrong with him.
Ha! Is this a Bruno Mars shower curtain?
Yeah. My mom says that his songs
are "premarital intercourse
music", so he had to go.
Ooh, Jean, this is one shower curtain
that wouldn't make me mad
if it was stuck to me.
My mom lands in 15 minutes.
Lord, give me strength.
Oh, if she's really that bad,
why don't you let me
help you entertain her this weekend?
I could take some of
the pressure off you.
Oh, my God! Would you really do that?
I thought you were purging everyone?
I don't need to purge Mother Raines.
Everyone loves her.
Mother Raines' positivity will
counteract my mom's negativity.
She's pure sunshine.
I'm sunshine, Jackie.
Okay. I'm off to the airport.
Let me just get one last look at Bruno.
That'll have to hold me this weekend,
because my mom sure won't.
♪♪
♪♪
What's up? One Crock-Pot, as requested.
Ah. Thank you.
I need to get this
chili started if it's gonna be
three-alarm in time
for our barbecue tomorrow.
What are you bringing?
[Australian accent]
Some shrimp for the barbie?
Oh, boy.
Wouldn't let anyone get away
with that but you.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Is everything all right?
Did you injure yourself on my property?
'Cause Jean signed a waiver.
Oh, it's just my back.
This sofa bed is bad, Danny.
- Oh.
- You did a bad job buying it.
[Normal voice] Oh. She's cranky.
Hey, you have an empty room.
Would you mind if Sharon
stayed over there with you
- for a few nights?
- Yeah, sure.
She's always welcome at my place.
Oh, great. I get the evil sofa bed.
My back doesn't matter.
It's not like I have to go work,
or have a boyfriend.
I'm awake all night
hating myself anyway.
Oh, sweetie, you don't have to do that.
I'll drop you off at Freddie's
on my way to meet Lane's mom.
You can stay there.
And I guess I'll take
my suitcase over to Danny's.
Oh, I miss you already.
I miss you, too.
She's just across the yard.
Ask Danny if I can come over later.
Danny, can Jean come over later?
- Please don't say no.
- Mm.
What's happening right now?
- Ohhh.
- Oh!
Okay.
- Oh, he said yes!
- He said yes!
But no sweets after 10:00.
Why are you talking to us like that?
Yeah, we're adults, Danny.
[Door closes]
[Both laugh]
Look, and they're offering me
my own office
and my own parking spot.
Ooh, that's so exciting.
I could make you
breakfast in the morning,
and then you could put your
suit on and go off to work,
and then you'd just be gone all day.
You really think I'd have
to wear a suit?
Don't think about what you're wearing.
Just focus on being gone all day.
Sorry. Living together takes
some getting used to.
And when two people work from home,
it's like a quarantine that never ends.
Knock, knock.
You know, saying "knock, knock"
isn't the same as actually knocking.
Oh, sorry.
[Knock on door] Knock, knock.
Your very special house guest is here.
Are you ready for some fun?
Hi.
What? Ugh. Man.
Something's leaking in my bag.
- Oh.
- Perfect. I'll be right back.
She's only here for two days, right?
Don't say it like that.
You used to love hanging
out with your sister.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
We can take her out with us tonight
to celebrate Freddie's new job.
- You got a new job?
- Yeah, well, nothing official yet,
but, uh, you know that new company
I've been telling you about?
Gramercy Games?
They e-mailed me an offer.
I would oversee Java Python integration.
He gets his own parking spot.
Oh, my gosh!
That's amazing!
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Keep it to yourself. I mean it.
Jackie's been sending out
her résumé for three weeks,
and she hasn't had
a single job interview.
She doesn't need your good news
to make her feel worse about herself.
Yeah, I get that.
Jackie has been in kind of
a slump recently.
Maybe we shouldn't celebrate
another win for me.
Whoa. Oh! Look! Guys, a $20!
Whoa. Where'd that come from?
Okay, I'm off.
A-And just remember
keep the job to yourself,
and just know I'm celebrating with you.
[Whispers] On the inside.
- [Door closes]
- I don't like that.
No, no, Jackie is
a strong, confident woman,
and she's perfectly capable
of being happy for you,
even if her life is
a little bumpy right now.
Okay. Everything blows.
Nobody will hire me,
Lane has made me homeless,
and now my acne scrub exploded
all over my jury duty summons.
Okay, we're not telling her.
Let's drink.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Thank God you're here.
She just went through
my Amazon order history
and found out about
the Bruno Mars shower curtain.
Now she's going through my fridge,
giving me grief about buying
name brand condiments.
BARBARA: Ugh! Heinz?!
I guess someone's too good
for grabbing a handful
of packets on their way out of Hardee's!
- Help me.
- Uh-huh.
Um, there is a bottle of wine in here.
Who's the drunk?
Oh, I, uh I use that
as a rolling pin.
For making pies. For charity.
Well, get yourself a proper rolling pin.
Preferably something that
didn't kill your Uncle Frank.
You must be Barbara.
I'm Jean. Jackie's mom.
I brought you some of my famous
oatmeal raisin cookies.
They're Lane's favorite.
Lane hates raisins in his food.
Oh, no. Uh, I don't know what she does,
but these cookies have turned me around.
I'm a raisin guy now.
Oh. I don't do anything special.
A-A little extra brown sugar
so they crisp up on the bottom.
Save some for your mom, Cookie.
I call him Cookie because
he loves my cookies.
Oh, well, it's nice to know someone's
making sure my son is fed.
I always tell him he's too skinny.
That's what I tell him.
None of my kids listen to me.
Half the time, I can't get
them to pick up the phone.
Mine, either.
That's why I had to move out here.
Maybe you should move out here.
Jesus, take the wheel.
And my son, Freddie, just got engaged.
Oh. And do you like the girl?
I do.
Try to blink when you say
that instead of looking like
you're trying to pass a polygraph.
[Chuckles]
You've got a son-in-law, don't you?
Ha. I do.
And he is such a blessing to our family.
Oh, that's wonderful.
See, that's how you do it.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Oh.
I've got to get going.
Um, but would you and Lane
like to come over
for a barbecue tomorrow?
I'm making my famous chili.
Oh, her chili.
Mom, you know how I used to hate beans?
I'm a bean guy now.
Well, you know what? That sounds great.
We'll be there.
And I got to get the recipe
to these cookies.
Crispy bottom. Who knew?
How did you do that?
My mom laughed. It freaked me out.
I've never seen her teeth before.
I'll always be here for you, Cookie.
Thank you, Mother Raines.
- You know, this has been fun.
- Yeah.
I'm glad I got a little time
down under without Jean.
Yeah, it's pretty rude how she's
always third-wheeling us.
Now, you sure you got
everything you need?
Oh, I'm good.
Once I pop my sleeping pill,
all I need is a soft place to land
and about 8 to 11 hours to recover.
- 'Night now.
- 'Night.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[Sighs] Mm.
Your guest bed is so comfortable.
Huh? Was it?
Thought it might seem a bit small.
Cramped. Inappropriate.
Ooh. No way.
The knots in my back are basically gone.
- Feel it.
- No. Thanks.
I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
You You might want to have,
uh, Jean feel it, though.
You know Jean? Your best friend?
Yeah, I know Jean. [Laughs]
- You're weird in the morning.
- Huh.
Can I get some sugar?
No. I'm sorry, but no.
No more sugar, Sharon.
♪♪
Guys. Look at this.
I got 10 Bugles stacked
inside of each other.
Dare me to eat the whole thing?
I believe in you.
Oh.
[Muffled] It's very sharp.
[Cellphone vibrating]
Okay, where does that sound
keep coming from?
It's my phone. Jackie's sitting on it.
I've missed five calls.
How does she not feel that?
Did her ass die?
Just go get it.
Take the call in the other room.
What if it's about your job?
I can't. She'll know something's up.
[Computer dings]
Freddie, that's probably
them e-mailing you.
If you don't respond to them
soon, you're gonna lose the job.
Maybe this is a sign that
that job wasn't meant to be.
Or maybe you should just tell her.
Or maybe I should just let his job go
because there's a better job
right around the corner.
Or maybe what's wrong with you?
Just tell her.
"Jackie, I got an amazing job offer,
and your hair is matted in the back."
- What?
- Seriously. Look at it.
It's like a family of squirrels
is living in there.
Okay, come on. Do it now.
She's had her Bugle victory.
She's in a good place.
Okay. Fine.
Hey. Lincoln Financial Corp wrote back.
"Dear Miss Raines,
thank you for your interest.
We regret to inform you"
Oh, well.
Who dares me to get
15 of these on my fingers?
I do!
[Whispers] She needs more time.
Oh, welcome.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Well, thank you for inviting us.
We brought you a little something.
Oh.
You can call it a rolling pin,
if you want to pretend I'm an idiot.
Well, thank you.
There's some soft drinks inside.
You can help yourself.
Thank you.
There are coffee grounds all over this.
I know. She took it out of the trash.
What?
Also, we can't stay.
Why?
Something came up.
But you need me.
I'm your sunshine.
Yeah, turns out my mom hates sunshine.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, turns out my mom hates you.
How could your mom hate me?
Nobody hates me.
That's the only thing
people hate about me.
It doesn't matter.
She's leaving tomorrow. Let it go.
But she's your mom.
And you're my cookie.
That makes us cookies-in-law.
Oh, she would really hate that.
I'm asking you to let it go.
Um no.
♪♪
[Humming]
Sharon, I want to talk to you.
And I want you to get over here
and help me with this meat.
No.
No. And that's what
we need to talk about.
I just think given everything
that's happened between us,
I think it's best if
you just go back to Jean's.
What?
You remember Jean?
Your best friend?
- What happened?
- No, no.
And I want you to know that
I'm not rejecting you.
I just need it to be this way.
♪♪
Barbara, can I get you anything?
- Something to drink?
- Oh, I-I'm fine.
- A snack?
- I'm good.
Why don't you like me?
I do.
I think it's a blessing that
Lane has you in his life.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Wait.
You just did the son-in-law thing to me.
Oh.
I forgot I showed you my trick.
[Chuckles] Well, thanks for having us.
Jean, something's going on with
your almost-divorced landlord-boyfriend.
He said I can't sleep over anymore.
Oh, it's time for us to go.
No, no, no. W-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, Sharon, this is Barbara.
Lane's mother.
Tell her everybody likes me.
Oh. Yeah, pretty much
everybody likes Jean.
Pretty much? Who doesn't like me?
Mrs. Tyler, everybody
at Dr. Labuwi's office.
My cat loves everybody,
but she hates you.
Wh
Cats are excellent judges of character.
That's what I always say.
Can I get you a drink?
Get out, Sharon.
I don't have anywhere to g
All right, I'll check the barbecue.
We'll just leave.
- I'm so sorry about this.
- It's
So, wait, she's trying to steal my kid,
and you're apologizing to her?
What?
Oh, I see what's going on.
You two with your special little recipes
and your cute little nicknames.
You turned my son into
a bean guy and a raisin guy!
I don't even know who he is anymore.
That's ridiculous.
You call her Mother Raines!
You heard that?
It doesn't mean anything, Barbara.
You will not take my son
away from me, Jean.
No one's trying to take
Lane away from you.
It's just a meaningless nickname.
It's nothing to get upset about.
Mom, I need some advice.
Oh, Lane. Lane's mother.
You're not supposed to see me.
I have a sad life and a foot thing.
Okay. I'm gonna crack open
the trash can wine.
What happened, honey?
Well, I finally got a job interview.
A property management company.
Congratulations!
Hold on. They manage cemeteries.
They couldn't offer me an office,
and I'd have to share a cubicle
with the coffin pillows.
But it's the first interview
I've had in two months,
so I should take it, right?
No, honey. That sounds terrible.
Now, wait a minute.
A pillow is a pillow,
and a job is a job,
and it sounds like that's what
you need right now, cupcake.
I do need a job.
Uh excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
Oh. Just mothering your child.
It's no big deal, Jean.
Come to Mother Abrams, baby.
Tell me what that feels like, Jackie.
You can't do this.
- Hey, Mom?
- Hmm?
I need your advice about something.
- Lay it on me.
- Stop it!
Don't lay it on her, Freddie.
Lay it on me.
I don't think I want that job
at Gramercy Games.
What job?
Oh. Jackie. Hey.
I-I didn't see you buried in that
woman's bosoms.
Uh, I was offered this big deal job.
I wasn't gonna tell you
'cause I didn't want you
to feel bad, but I'm not gonna take it.
- Why not?
- Why not?
- Why not?
- Why not?
Stop it!
Because I-I like the job I have now.
I don't really want to wear a suit.
I support you, son.
I'm gonna need a bigger rolling pin.
All right. You know what?
Just get your hands off of my kid.
I-I'm sorry that I adore your son,
that I treated him like one of
my own in your absence.
I-I wasn't trying to replace you.
It doesn't feel good, does it?
Mom, it's not Jean's fault
you and I aren't close.
What do you mean not close?
I flew out here to see you.
I checked a bag.
But I don't feel like
I can be myself around you!
I had to stash everything
that was important to me
so that you wouldn't judge them.
I hid my shower curtain, my boyfriend,
and my name brand relish.
Why would you buy name brand relish?
Because I can taste the difference.
Accept me!
- Jean, I need to talk to you.
- It's not a good time.
- It's important.
- Not now.
I I slept with Sharon.
♪♪
Hey, Cel. What's going on?
Am Am I leaving you?
Just getting your stuff
ready for your new office
and setting up my new home office!
Mm!
Got some bad news, then.
Uh, the job's not happening.
Is this because you didn't
call them back?
Maybe it's not too late.
Okay, um, tell them
your phone was stolen.
No, no. Tell them your computer crashed.
Tell them your fiancée died.
I have a friend who
can run a fake obituary,
then I can come back as my twin cousin.
No, I just decided not to take the job.
What? Why? We were gonna be so happy.
Because I don't think it's right for me.
I like working from home. On my couch.
I like the freedom of
being able to do what I want.
I get that.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
No. Not disappointed.
[Voice breaking]
Just want you to be happy.
Are you crying?
[Sniffles] A little.
But I probably would have missed you.
I guess we'll never know.
Well, if you want, I could
I could, like,
go to a café and work from there
for like a few hours a day if you want.
That would be amazing. Oh! Mwah!
Hey, Celia, how'd you know to shut all
this stuff down before you unplugged it?
What do you mean shut it down?
Oh, no.
Hey. I just came to collect my stuff.
I'm going back to my apartment.
What is in that acne medication?
It disintegrated the bottom of my bag.
This is real leather!
I've been putting that on my face.
God. I hate everything.
Will you hand me that tampon?
- Yeah.
- And that one?
And that one?
And my food journal?
And my unemployment check?
Are you okay?
Do I look okay?
What happened to me?
I was valedictorian.
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Now the only thing I'm succeeding at
is having a lot of tampons.
[Chuckles]
Jackie, I don't know
what's going on, either.
I've spent my whole life
living in your shadow.
I followed behind you in school,
and every teacher I had
expecting me to be you,
and they were incredibly
disappointed when I wasn't.
I didn't even have
a name at that school.
I was just "Jackie's brother."
I would have enjoyed it more
if I knew it was my peak.
[Scoffs] Come on. You haven't peaked.
You're having one bad year.
I know that this is temporary.
It's only a matter of time
before the natural order
of things is restored.
Freddie, I'm glad things
are going great for you.
I'm happy for you.
I'm just sad for me.
Jackie, it ate through leather.
Let's throw the condoms away.
Yeah.
And I wanted to apologize
if I overstepped.
If?
Listen, my son calling you Mother Raines
caught me off guard,
because, you know,
you're not his mother.
But it's nice knowing
that there's someone out here
looking out for him when I can't be.
That's all you're getting.
I think she likes me.
Let me know when she's gone!
I like you, Sunshine.
Oh. [Chuckles]
[Both laugh]
Stop laughing. It's not funny.
Oh, I mean, it's kind of funny.
- [Laughs]
- You thought this
was trying to sleep with that?
[Chuckles]
Okay, it's drifting into hurtful now.
And I think maybe that one
ricocheted into me, too.
[Chuckles]
Danny, it's just the pills.
I sleepwalk. I sleep cuddle.
Sometimes I sleep pee.
Oh, well, I guess I can
count myself lucky, then.
So can I sleep over again tonight?
Yeah, I suppose so,
but I'm locking the door.
[Chuckles]
So, what does Danny wear when he sleeps?
I mean, besides you.
[Both laugh]
♪♪
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