Captain Fall (2023) s01e09 Episode Script

Ease up to about six degrees
on your starboard engine.
[radio] Roger that.
Looking good. Two-hundred forty-four
over the ground here.
Muy bien.
- [loud crash]
- [all screaming]
Go ahead and shut down engines
and prepare to dock.
Good work, guys. Over and out.
- [sighs]
- Great job, Captain.
Yeah. Startin' to get the hang of it.
[chuckles] Not to toot my own horn
or anything.
I'll get the crew working
on the repainting and repairs.
It'll be fixed in no time. Three days max.
Great! What a team we are. [chuckles]
A well-oiled machinery.
[frantic string music playing]
[sniffs]
Hey, have a great vacation!
[whistling badly]
[blows raspberry]
Hey, Captain!
Wild guess. You are a flower girl, right?
[chuckles] Yeah
Flowers look good.
You have some colors there
and everything. So pretty. [chuckles]
I just knew it. [sighs]
- So are you ready?
- Yeah.
It's cool that you were so eager
to come along and meet my family.
I A bit surprising, to be honest.
I guess I just wanted to go
on a small adventure with you.
And I have a tiny personal thing
to attend to in Monaco on the way,
so I guess it's a "two birds
with one stone" kind of thing.
Great, that's just great.
Uh, Monaco is not really
on the way though.
Oh, it's not much of a detour,
and it won't take long,
but it has to be our little secret
that we're going back there. Okay?
You can keep a secret now,
can't you, sweetie?
[chuckles childishly]
Yes. Yes, of course. My lips are sealed.
[mellow music playing]
[sighs]
What a view.
- [gulls cawing]
- [Jonathan] Wow. Views are cool.
[Liza] Mmm.
I'm just going to change
into something more comfortable.
Ooh, that sounds perfect. Me too.
Oh! Oh, oh.
I just have to run a little errand.
Ya Uh, well,
I'll come with you, of course.
Oh. No, it's it's personal.
Oh, perfect. I really wanna do
personal stuff with you. [chuckles]
Okay, look, Jonathan.
[sighs] If this is going to work,
we can't smother each other. Okay?
It's so important
that we give each other space.
Yes. Yes. Giving each other space
in a relationship is so healthy.
And I've I've read that.
It's a rookie mistake. I'm I'm sorry.
No. Great. I'll be right back. See you.
Okay. Yeah. See ya. Cool. Very cool.
[door closes]
[ominous music playing]
- [gasps]
- [silenced gunshots]
[news jingle playing]
[newsreader] A high-profile
Russian oligarch
- Liza. Liza!
- Mmm.
Guess who's on the news.
It's that oligarch. Someone killed him!
- Really?
- Yeah.
Looks pretty horrible.
Someone forced a very dangerous
radioactive thing up his rectum.
So no more party invites there, I guess.
Probably not.
Why would anyone do something like that?
[yawns] I wouldn't know, Jonathan.
Maybe he ratted someone out.
Snitches get stitches, you know.
No, I did not know that.
Oh. That is probably us.
Yeah. Yeah. You're probably right.
- [sighs]
- [repeatedly locking and unlocking]
Is anything wrong?
You seem a little stressed.
Oh, I just don't really know
what to expect when we get there.
My parents seem real proud of me now,
but but you never
you never really know with them.
- No?
- No.
There have just been so many mind games
growing up, though,
so you can never know what to expect.
They always keep you guessing.
[chuckles] Keep you on your toes,
so, uh so that that's good.
Oh. Okay.
[exhales, chuckles]
Look. Guess it's just a sign
of the normal fright you have
before meeting up
with your closest family.
Yeah, that doesn't seem very normal.
Ah, well, it is. It's just the way
that, uh nature plays out.
I don't follow you here, Jonathan.
You know, in in the chicken coop,
there is always one chick
that the other chickens gang up on
and just peck on constantly,
and it may be because it's the smallest
or weakest or just bad luck or whatever,
but, uh, in my family, uh, or coop,
that has always been me.
That sounds horrible.
No. Well, the pecking
has only been verbal,
So it hasn't hurt me on the outside,
so the outside is perfectly fine,
so, uh that is good.
- Is it?
- Yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's all good. Yeah
[doorbell chimes]
Oh, I have strict orders
of always ringing the doorbell.
"Only bums barge into a house."
- [chuckles]
- Even your own house?
Oh yeah, especially your own house,
Mom and Dad always say.
Jonathan, my dear. How nice to see you!
Oh! How are you, Consuela?
I've missed you so much.
Oh, and I have missed you, Johnny.
And who is this lovely lady?
I'm Liza.
Jonathan's colleague and girlfriend.
Oh! You two look so sweet together.
Oh. Thank you. [chuckles]
Are Are my parents in?
Yes, yes. Please, come in.
They are in the garden.
Mr. and Mrs. Fall, Jonathan is home!
Jonathan, my baby boy.
So glad to have you home in that uniform.
- Oh, we have started to hug, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here and hug your mother.
A real warm, normal hug.
- Wow, that feels good.
- Enough of that. Come here, you.
Ah, feels feels good. Yeah. So natural.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr. Backstabber
who won't help his only brother get a job.
- What?
- Why have to shove the uniform in my face?
You know how fragile I am
after they let me go.
Well, I'm sorry you lost your job,
but I mean no disrespect
by wearing a uniform.
Yeah, right! Oh, that hurts, man.
You hurt me with your actions.
No shame. No class.
It's always "me, me, me, me"
- Shut it, Tanner!
- Yeah, zip it!
And who is this?
Can we help you? Are you lost, miss?
Oh. Uh, this is Liza.
My, uh girlfriend.
Mm. Um
Oh! Nice to meet you, uh, Liza.
- Nice to meet you guys too.
- But what do you really mean?
You You said "girlfriend,"
but that is probably very, very wrong.
No, no, Liza is my good colleague
and girlfriend. [chuckles]
Oh, so she is a friend from work.
- I get it.
- [Blake] Ah, yes.
A female friend.
Well, yes, you could say that,
but we are also dating.
Come on. That is a horrendous lie,
and you know it.
She, dare I say, is a bombshell.
So fuckable.
She would never be dating you
nor let you touch her,
not in a million, bazillion years.
He's not lying, Tanner.
Jonathan is just confused
by the term "girlfriend"
because he's never been close
to having one before.
Isn't that right, Jonathan?
You are mixing up "female friend"
with "girlfriend."
Ha, yes, that's it, isn't it, Jonathan?
No shame in that.
People mix up words all the time.
- Of course.
- He's an idiot.
[Tanner] Hmm.
Okay, so, back up.
Let me get this straight.
This is a Pretty Woman thing, right?
- You're an escort?
- No.
Dog garn it, Tanner.
I'm sorry for swearing. I'm sorry.
I I told you guys a hundred times now.
Liza is my girlfriend.
Why is that so hard to process?
- Of course, sweetie. We understand.
- Yeah.
- We get it.
- We get it.
We are hip.
We know the dating scene
is completely different
from when we were young.
Yes. Now it's all about apps,
and sending penis pics,
and trading phone cards for sex
behind the mall and all that.
- Mm, not really, I think.
- It is.
God knows your father
has gone through a phase
just like you're experiencing right now.
Oh! Remember that time
you were "saving" that prostitute, Blake?
- Oh, remember that? Ha!
- Yeah.
That was priceless.
Yeah. Cost me a fortune, and in the end,
she preferred her old life.
She's actually still turning tricks
under the freeway.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I drive by her from time to time
and wonder what could've been.
But when I look back at it,
what we had was doomed from the beginning.
My first mistake was trusting her pimp.
Ah, so mischievous.
Of course they were in love.
I tried like hell
to get back into her good graces,
but it was a beautiful love story
that was ruined.
I was gutted by the whole goddamn thing,
and I'm still pretty pissed off about it.
- For Christ's sake. It's heartbreaking.
- Now you're rambling, Blake.
But the point stands.
Like father, like son.
Okay, guys,
I am going to stop you right there.
I am not a prostitute
that Jonathan is trying to save.
- No, of course! No offense, Liza.
- No.
I'm just looking out for my son!
But once bitten, twice shy, you know?
I am an officer on the Caribbean Queen,
and I am very much in love with your son.
He is the sweetest person I've ever met.
AI. It's AI, right? Mm? It has to be.
You are not a real person.
You're like an advanced RealDoll
because, honestly Can I say it?
Jonathan is unlovable,
and everyone knows that.
Stop it, Tanner!
Not everyone knows that. Shoo now!
- Go to your hut! Away!
- [Blake] Tanner! Go!
- Now go on! Get!
- Shoo! Go!
Listen to your mother! Get!
[soft piano jazz playing]
Thank you, Consuela.
It looks fantastically refreshing.
Cheers!
Your father and I are so proud of you.
Mm.
Actually, we are so proud
that we want to take you for lunch
at the Captain's Club.
Really? But we just had lunch.
Don't get too caught up
in the details, Jonathan.
Okay! That sounds great.
You up for that, Liza?
I think I'll just unpack and relax here,
and you guys, you go have a great time.
Oh, um
I I don't need that, uh space
you were talking about or or anything.
- Quite the opposite.
- [Liza chuckles]
- No, no. You just go ahead.
- [bell rings]
Please show Jonathan's
lovely female friend to the guest room.
Okay, maybe I'll just freshen up
and get changed.
- No, no, no.
- No.
Wear that uniform.
Do you have an ID with you?
Uh Yes.
Great! Great.
Be sure to bring that as well.
And if you have a stamped labor contract,
be sure to bring that along too.
Good call, sweetheart.
Wow, this is so nice.
A real family trip. That's a a first.
Don't be foolish, Jonathan, baby.
We've been on tons of family trips.
Oh, Grand Canyon,
Aspen, Hawaii, Costa Rica,
India, Thailand. Well, all over.
Yeah, with Tanner. I never went.
It was the three of you.
Oh, but don't you remember?
We didn't have room for both of you
in the car with luggage and everything.
But But you
You flew to all those places.
Yes, but have you ever heard
of families walking to the airport, son?
No, no. But this is my first family trip.
That That was my point.
- And that's not really a point.
- [Blake] Not a point.
Because you were always with us in spirit.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that is what's important.
It is the thought that counts.
Yeah.
Oh. [exhales]
You scared me. Can I help you?
Maybe. Maybe.
God. You are such a classic beauty.
With your looks,
you could easily be in a porn mag.
Okay.
Mmm Private magazine probably.
You could be a Private girl.
Thank you, I guess,
um, but what do you want?
Well, I couldn't stay away.
You're like a magnet for my trunk.
- Your trunk?
- Mm-hmm.
I call my penis "the trunk"
because elephants have trunks,
so it's an analogy or a metaphor.
Oh. Oh, okay. So your cock has
the shape of an elephant's trunk?
You can clutch branches
and pick up peanuts with it?
Well, good for you.
No, no, no. I can't do that.
I'm referring to the size.
Mm, doesn't look like it.
I don't see a six-foot penis under there.
Oh, wouldn't you like to find out?
[chuckles] You shouldn't be up here.
I know,
but I'll give you the straight talk
because you look
like a chick that can handle it.
- Okay.
- Don't take this the wrong way.
Jonathan is a nice guy and all that,
and I want the best for him. I really do.
But?
But you should ditch him right away,
and we should hook up immediately.
Just rip off the Band-Aid
and kick him to the curb.
- And why is that?
- Just look at me, babe.
I hate that I have to say this myself,
but I'm hot as fuck!
And I have so much more
to offer you than he has.
So much more.
Really? Like what, Tanner?
Okay, uh, well, for starters, um
a cock that's on the north end of average.
It's above average?
Yeah, probably,
with the right measuring technique,
and it's real smooth and beautiful too.
Oh-ho, it's it's handsome.
He's a handsome devil.
- You're gonna love him.
- Okay.
And what I would like to do
before Jonathan comes home
is give you a sample of
- [cracking]
- Whoa!
[loud thud]
- [Tanner groans]
- [duct tape rips]
[continues groaning]
[Tanner groaning]
Good. You're awake.
I just wanted to let you know
that I just got a text from Jonathan,
and he'll be back
in approximately two hours.
[screams]
I think that gives me enough time
to have you parted, wrapped up,
and get all your limbs into this suitcase,
and still have enough time
for a shower. Hey?
[screams]
Do you know that with this bit,
I can drill through your eye socket
and into the parietal lobe?
[screams]
All the way in the top back of your brain.
- [continues screaming]
- [whirring]
[Liza] Mmm.
But since you may have
some value to Jonathan,
I'll give you a choice.
There may be
a way out of this for you, Tanner.
[Tanner whimpers]
[ethereal orchestral music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
Ooh, I hate to ask,
but, um, did you bring me there
just to get that membership back?
Don't be ridiculous! Oh!
We would never use you
as a ticket to memberships and status.
- No?
- That membership doesn't mean anything.
Besides, doesn't it feel good
to finally be of use to your family?
After all these years?
I I I guess.
Mm. Good boy.
Jonathan!
Oops! Hey there, Tanner.
Oh, good to see you, Jonathan.
You guys have a good time or what?
Yeah, we sure did.
Pretty stiff crowd. Never liked it much,
but so cool that you're back.
Hey, you know what I think we should do?
Hang out in the garden.
Just spend some quality bro time together.
Maybe sling the old frisbee around
or somethin'.
- Have you taken drugs again, Tanner?
- No.
- Then where is the assholery?
- Oh! [chuckles]
That was just an act.
I was just playin' a part, silly.
For all those years?
Wow. I call that dedication.
Yep. Let's split from the dinosaurs.
I'll race you to the garden.
We can use my Nerf guns.
They are state of the art.
Or we could do
whatever you wanna do, Jonathan.
- Sure!
- Tag, you're it!
- Okay!
- [both giggling]
[Jonathan] You're so fast!
[both giggling]
Oh, I see you're making yourself at home.
I see there are no pictures
of Jonathan here. Why is that?
Mm. That is because he is
our treasured secret.
- Really?
- Uh
It actually has a natural explanation.
This is a little hard for me,
but Jonathan was actually premature.
- Born way too early.
- Oh?
Yes, the doctor said all my smoking
and drinking caused it, but I don't know.
It looked like a super old
shell-less turtle had lived in my uterus
and finally came out
to see daylight for the first time.
- He was hideous.
- Oh, hideous.
Like a baby Yoda minus the cuteness.
Oh my God.
- Well, I am so glad that he survived.
- Phew.
How premature,
if you don't mind me asking?
Almost two weeks.
Eight days to be precise.
Yep.
I don't think that qualifies
as being premature.
Oh yes, it does.
It was a real scare for us.
So, in case he didn't make it, we decided
not to get too attached to Jonathan.
We had to save ourselves
from potential grief.
We had "Conthuela" breastfeed him
and everything,
to weaken the bond between mother and son.
Wow, that is horrible.
Yes, indeed.
Yup. It was tough.
Anyway, to make a long story short,
we put all our eggs into one basket
and went all in with Tanner.
- We invested all our emotions in him.
- [Blake] Mm-hmm.
- [Alexis] Didn't we, darling?
- [Blake] We did.
[Alexis] Yes, we did.
- [Jonathan] Tanner, are you ready?
- [Tanner] Mmm!
- Wow! Wow.
- [chuckles]
That was the best "the nail"
I've ever seen.
There wa
There was hardly even a splash at all!
Oh, thanks! I worked on it
quite a bit up through the years.
- I could tell.
- [Liza] Jonathan.
- [Tanner gasps]
- Are you coming to bed soon?
Um Sure. Just a few more jumps,
if that's okay?
- Sure, yeah. I'll see you upstairs.
- Yes!
Hold on! You gotta watch
Jonathan's "the nail."
It's epic, honestly.
It It is actually pretty great.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
[Tanner chuckles]
[whimpers] Ah!
[sighs] Did you see it?
Oh, that was great.
Yeah, great nail.
Oh, Tanner,
you are so thirsty tonight. [chuckles]
[Jonathan chuckles softly]
- I really connected with Tanner today.
- Hmm.
He proved people can change in a heartbeat
from being a bully in the morning,
and all his life, really,
to the greatest guy in the afternoon.
Yeah, that was pretty amazing to see.
Not to say anything negative
about your family or anything,
but your parents
are pretty horrible people.
Maybe. Maybe a a little bit,
but but they mean so well.
No, they don't. They mean harm.
They are arseholes to the core.
You deserve so much better, Jonathan.
You know, even though we haven't known
each other for real long,
I feel like you and Pedro
and Nico and and the others,
that's my real family, in a way.
That's That's how a family should be.
Yeah. That is so, so true.
No secrets, no lies, and total respect.
I I trust you guys
a hundred percent, you know?
- That is good to hear.
- [phone buzzes]
Oh, uh Two secs.
Hello? Liza, you guys need to return.
Tyrant decided to cut vacations short
for everyone. I'm sorry.
[Liza] God, you're breaking up.
Let me get outside.
Maybe the reception is better.
[gulping]
[sighs]
Ah!
[gasps, groans]
Pedro. Pedro. You were saying?
[Pedro, distorted]
Time to get back. Sorry.
Sorry, sorry. What was that?
I'm having trouble hearing you.
[Pedro, distorted]
I was saying that you guys should return.
[sighs] I'll put you on loudspeaker, okay?
Get the phone closer to the satellites,
maybe that'll help.
Hello? Okay, try now.
- Can you hear me now, Liza?
- Ah, yes. Crystal clear.
Good. How are things
with our pawn captain?
[sighs] Good. Yeah. All good.
I can't stop thinking
that it is incredible that we,
as a criminal cartel, can get away
with so much just because of him.
- [chuckles] Tell me about it.
- I will, actually.
- I have to get this off my chest.
- What, now?
Yes. Now. I'll take it from the start.
The mission after he boarded the ship
in Brazil still haunts me.
When Jonathan and I
were walking through that alley
[ominous music playing]
And that is how I feel about the whole
criminal operation we're part of.
- And you can quote me on that.
- Okay.
But not to Mr. Tyrant,
the evil mastermind behind all this.
Anyway, what I needed to say
is that you and Fall have to come here
as soon as possible.
Roger that.
Oh, hi!
Who Who was that calling so late?
Uh, no one. Just a prank call.
You You talked for, like, 20 minutes
with a prank caller?
Mm, yeah. Yeah, sure did.
Okay. [chuckles]
Prank calls are the worst.
Such unnecessary use
of telecommunications.
It It is not what Alexander Graham Bell
would've wanted.
That is not why he worked so hard.
No, no, probably not.
But anyway
- Um
- Oh.
I wanted to say something
before going to sleep.
Okay?
[chuckles] I I just wanted
to say thank you for today,
for being a real friend
and and girlfriend and all of that.
It It really means a lot to me.
Oh.
Jonathan, you are a great guy.
I hope you know that.
And no matter what happens in the future,
I I hope you know that I really like you.
But we have to leave.
- Oh, now?
- Yeah.
I can't stand being in this household
a second longer.
Come on. Let's get you back
to your real family.
[ominous music builds]
[snores]
[shatters]
[music fades]
[easy-listening music playing]