Carpoolers (2007) s01e09 Episode Script

ooh,come on and do it,do it do it till you're satisfied whatever it is do it,do ittill you're satisfied come on and do it just what they'd like to dobom bom what? He said,"do it.
" Proudly Presents Carpoolers Season 1 Episode 9 this is nice,right? Just the two of us,a chance to really connect,right? Move to your left.
Of course.
can we still connect while I'm leaning? They're talking about me.
how do you know? I just heard the phrase "handsomest man in the building.
" He's right over there.
I think you're right.
I think he is the handsomest man in the building.
come on.
Here they come.
Aggressive today.
I'm gonna say hello.
Don't touch my dessert.
Hello,ladies.
Good afternoon.
Would you like to join look,he's buying a muffin hey.
I wish i was that muffin.
Hey.
it's impossible.
what's the matter? I think I'm gonna have to move to an uglier building.
It's time.
Why,thank you,farrah fawcett,but I'm married.
Ladies,please.
You lookin' at me? Hello cheryl tiegs? What are you doing here? My shirt knows karate! So no one notices anything new about me? Uh,you grew a mustache.
I've had this since the fifth grade.
Guys,I'm wearing a brand-new,custom-made shirt and the most expensive tie I've ever bought.
My wife doesn't care,either.
When did I become so invisible? Aubrey,people are paying attention,okay? Right,dougie?It's a nice shirt,huh? Hey! What's the matter with you?You could've killed us.
I'm sorry.
I haven't been sleeping very well.
Looked like you were doing a good job to me! I didn't tell you guys,but my cat gepetto died last week.
It's very hard on me.
He was 32 years old.
No one saw it coming.
he's askingfor his favorite toy.
C.
P.
R.
Something! come on! I know whatyou're going through.
I recently had a favoritepair of jeans that passed.
They made the acquaintanceof many a lady's foyer.
All right,dougie,listen,death is tough,but we all die.
You know,there'sthere'sno getting past the pain of it.
Hey.
Okay,you know what? - He did it again! I got it.
I got his eyes.
Can I havea soy latte with milk? Thanks.
Excuse me.
That's a greatshirt-tie combo.
Who,me? - Yeah,you.
I love it.
It works like crazy.
Yeah.
Right? Only certain peoplecan carry that off.
You're definitely one of 'em.
Well,thanks,man.
I mean,you know,you couldcarry it off yourself.
I mean,if you wanted to.
I have,many times.
Anyway,um,I hope I didn't offend you.
Oh.
You? No.
No way,dude.
Well,you know,listen,a guy complimenting another guyabout his clothing I like women.
I also like fashion.
me,too,man.
I lie awake at night thinking,why my cat and not me? You know,you're not sleeping'cause you don't have closure.
You gotta figure out one last way to say"I love you" to gepetto,and then say good-bye.
You want my advice? Man up.
Get a new cat.
Give himthe same name as the old one.
Zip.
Bang.
Happy days are here again.
How can you be so shallow? I don't know what I don't think about that stuff.
No kidding.
Hey,who's aubrey talking to? That's him.
That's the guy I was telling you about.
Cut it out.
Right there with aubrey,that's him.
gentlemen,guess who just noticedmy brand-new shirt? the handsomest manin the building.
Yeah!In your collective faces.
Swish!Touchdown.
Handsomest manin the building.
When was that decided? I don't know.
It's just a fact.
I mean,all the girls in my office take theircell phone pictures of himim.
Then they trade 'em like baseball cards.
Well,what do you care? It just makes me feel good.
I mean,he is the handsomest man in the building.
Stop saying that.
Stop it.
I'll stop saying itwhen it stops being true.
You're nottaking me seriously.
What? Hello? Hello? The police hung up on me.
Maybe they thought you were disturbed.
I am disturbed.
The house I'm flipping got spraypainted with graffiti again.
Was it gang signs?Who was it? The crips? The hang-lows? The south-side swingers? Don't mess with them.
They killas fast as they dance.
But what am I supposedto do about my flip? Mother,I'll guard your house.
That's sweet of you,but I can't ask you to do that.
You didn'T.
I volunteered.
And this way,if it ends in tragedy,it'll be easier for youto move on,find a new son smaller.
Honey,if it's dangerous,I don't want you out there.
Mother,the police hate you.
You're out of options.
Now this is gonna requiresome pretty heavy gear.
So no,I'll tell you.
He turnedto my family and he said,"when she dies,I'll marry her sister.
" Look,doc,you told meto be more honest,right? I start being more honest.
All of a sudden,I'm the bad guy? What? I'm in crisis.
Is this about that guy? That wouldn't be condereda crisis.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry,gracen.
This is about that guy.
You liar! This has been a wake-up call,gracenmy looks are fading.
There's no denying it.
My facelooks older than my hair.
That is ridiculous.
2835.
Are you off your rocker? 28 - I've got clientswaiting for me.
Gracen,gracen,I'm aging.
Okay,what's gonna happen when I'm so old,I look like a normal man? I'mI'm gonna have to beinteresting to get women.
Between you and me I'm boring.
you're what? What?What are you? I'm boring! Look,why don't you try toenrich your life in some way? Take up a hobby.
You got a hobby? H-hobby? Like what,square-dancingor writing letters? I'm gonna go now.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa.
I took some clarinet lessonswhen I was 10.
Good.
Clarinet.
Nice.
I was pretty damn goodat it,too.
why'd you give it up? I lost the weight.
Do you honestly think you are gonna get her? What are you - I am so sorry.
I - gracen,you have opened my eyes.
Who is this guy? I don't know,but I'll tell youwho I'm gonna be the most interesting manin this building! just you watch.
I'm gonna be fascinating! I'm gonna be riveting! all right.
listen to my tone.
maybe we should reviewsome basics.
Let's talkabout your fingering.
Fingering? All right,I can do that.
So this is "A.
" this is "B.
" and this is me.
Whatwhat about my lesson? Teach me,laird.
that's great.
hey,artie shaw,you wanna give it a rest? it was incredible,gracen.
It was the first timein a long time I was with a woman,and it wasn't about sex.
You didn't have sex with her? Oh,I had sex with her,but it was my music that undressed her.
I have evolved from a one-trickpony into a renaissance man.
I'm a dentistwith a musical gift.
I can coast on thistill I'm too crazy to care.
You know what?At leastyou're elevating your mi from its usual preoccupation.
Ho ho ho,hot jogger comin' up.
This highlander have one ofthose rearview monitor thingies? I have to be in reverse.
- Well,put it on.
Throw a man a bone.
There she is.
We've got buns.
We've got buns.
Hey,can this thing gether phone number? night one.
The house is silent.
Its emptiness mocks me.
I grow thirsty,and yet I have forgotten a beveragewith which to slake my thirst.
stop!Vandal! Lights! santa claus? I thoughI killed you.
a girl.
My name is oola.
Some would sayyou're trespassing.
Others might saythat if we were truly free, there's no such thing as trespassing.
Why are you here?Tell me.
I paint empty spacesto express my own emptiness.
No house is truly empty if you're in it,milady.
I admire your words.
Look,before I gettoo involved,are you gay? No,although some people have mistook my weirdnessas such.
"Weirdness is just normalcyin a pair of tigerskin slacks.
" I wrote that on my blog.
You're darkthoughts318? Yeah.
Do you believe in fate? Hey.
H-hello.
Damn.
What are you doing? Nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing.
It looks like you're waitingfor him the man I used to be the most handsome manin this building.
So what if I am? At leasthe pays attention to me.
Oh,aubrey,aubrey,I-I pay attention to you.
Really? What color is my tie? Blue.
- No.
It's a trick question.
You're not wearing one.
That's an amazing magic trick,making that yellow tie appear.
Oh!There he is.
Um,do ihave any food in my teeth? What's up,brocephus? Bro-bro,what up? hey! Hey,you! You,with the overrated looks! You in the mood for a little music? What do you got there? Oh,is just happensto be my passion.
I play the clarinet.
Do you play the clarinet? No.
So you just dependon your mediocre looks to express yourself? How sad.
Well,actually,I play the harmonica.
Let's jam! Hey.
wow.
Yes.
You go.
Yeah,go.
that was good.
It's not really music,though.
hey,will you play that for me,laird? Laird,laird,play music.
Come on,party! Yes.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yes! Marmaduke,great news! The policethey finally came through.
They're posting a squad car at the flip house tonight.
Uh,cops? no.
Nono cops.
You definitelydon't want police there because they find you disturbingand so it's for your own good.
So nono police,no cops.
No fuzz.
What's wrong? - Oh,nothing.
It's just that I havethe situation under control passionately wonderfully hot and heavyunder control.
are you wearing cologne? It's called"creole thunder.
" Do you thinkit's provocative? Marmaduke,are you meetingsomeone at the flip tonight? I hope so.
Unless last night was a dream.
Maybe this is a dream but if so,it's right.
Testing.
Nope,we're good.
Ouch.
See?I told you it will be a great place to check out, aubrey.
yeah! I didn't knowthey stillade these.
You're right.
My legs feel alive dynamite.
Buy them.
Oh,man,I can'T.
They're way out of my price range.
Yeah,mine,too.
Hey,what are you doing? Oh,it's no big deal.
It's good for them to have people like mewear their clothes.
That's how they start trends.
What do you mean,"people like me"? Oh,you know,handsome people.
Well,it's wrong.
If I knew what your name was,I'd turn you in.
Hey,don't screw this up for us.
Okay,this works for us.
How's that? You are flatteredto be hanging out with me.
And frankly,I enjoy your praise.
You know what?I'd rather be invisible than than shop forhammer pants with a thief.
Okay.
Fine.
hey,wait a minute!No!No!Wait! I'm not stealing.
It's him! Oh,please.
Look at him.
that guy is too handsometo steal.
What?! Laird is right You are not that handsome Ididn't even leave the store yet! Come on!You can't touch this! how you doing? I'm at a cat funeral.
How do you think I'm doing? Okay,now that cindyhas been sedated,we can begin the ceremony.
First of all,I'd like to saythank you for being here.
It would've meant a lotto gepetto.
sorry I'm late.
What's with the pants? I had two choices either go to jail or buy these.
wrong choice.
Gepetto wasan extraordinary cat.
left quite a legacy,impregnating scores of lady catsin his youth.
and his in later days, content to lying on the couchand watching nascar, his little head going aroundand around and around with the cars.
Yeah.
- That's what I do.
Sadly,when we had our little baby,we didn't seemto have time for gepetto.
Suddenly,someone was cuterin the house.
It happens.
It's life.
It's not fair! He was just a cat.
He couldn't compete.
Maybe if he couldjuggle or dance or play the piano, thingswould've been different.
but now he's dead,and I miss himand I feel guilty.
Yeah,well,a lot of good that does him! What? - Take it easy,laird.
No,you take it easy! It wasn't gepetto's faultthat he got old and boring.
Not all cats can juggle! Uh,laird.
maybe gepetto trD.
Maybe i tried.
maybe I'm gonnadie sad and dull and alone.
Oh,no - watching nascar! okay.
Well,perhaps we shouldskip right to the slide show.
t why?! You know,oola,um, these last three nights have been,I think,the best nights of my life.
But we only met two nights ago.
Yeah,it's just,the night before we metwas really good,too.
I found an indian arrowhead.
Marm,I have to leave town.
But what about us? Look,marm,the project "us" it's finished.
But it will always beour masterpiece.
Oh,so what am I, just sometawdry flip house fling? Tawdry? God,no.
We never even kissed.
I can be nakedin seven seconds.
Good-bye,marmaduke.
Wait,oola,don't go.
Oola.
gracen,you ever worry that your life amountsto nothing more than sleeping aroundand coasting on a smil I do,I do.
I-I quite often say,"damn it,gracen! Stop having so much sex and and enough with all the smiling already.
" Very funny.
Laird,you're not gonna change overnight.
Face it.
I'm shallow! The last book I read was a graphic novelabout ducks who fight crime.
Look,the mere factthat you are sitting here, contemplating being shallow isproof positive that you're not.
You're not shallow.
You guys have a pair of pantsI can borrow? Why? I can't go homein these showstoppers.
My wife will thinkI'm stepping out on her.
Dougie,what're you doing? Hey,guys.
I,uh,used towalk gepetto down this street.
He used to pee right whereyou're sitting,actually.
That's nice.
So what's up? Oh,laird's having a hissy fitabout his life again.
Guys,I've been thinking about this.
What's going on hereis that we all have our "thing.
" You had your cat,right? You had your looks.
Had? - Have.
Have.
You're invisible.
I'm right here.
Me? I'm cheap.
And kind of small.
The point is - and you talk too much.
That,yeah,too.
Point is,it's not our thing that matters here.
It's how we deal with our thing that matters.
You know what? Gracen's right.
Where you goin'? I am gonna go get sometoilet paperabout 500 rolls.
I know wherethe handsome man lives! this is so wrong! I know.
- Isn't it great? Take this,andsome guy! Dude,really? That's how you throw? I missed the tree.
Guys,guys,guys,bring it in,bring it in.
This is what makes a man's life mean something.
It doesn't matter how I look! I'm just a guytrying to help out his buddies screw another guyI don't even know! oh,my god!He's home! He's home! He's home!I see him.
oh,look at him.
He steals pants,but he doesn't even bother to wear 'em.
Oh,this guy.
I mean,wow.
Is it possible he's more handsome in his home? Yeah.
Let's go get some eggs.
oh,my god.
He's bald.
his whole act is a lie! ugh! are those his teeth? Well,no wonder he steals.
I feel bad.
- I wanna cry.
God,I feel awful.
Letlet's clean up his lawn.
Huh,laird?Laird? He's bald! I'm beautiful again! yeah! Wow.
he is not a complicated man.
oola.
I'm sorry,honey.
But you did savemy flip house.
And I have a feelingyou two will meet again.
Really? What makes you say that? This is embarrassing.
I really wishyou wouldn't read my mail.
This is exactly whatgepetto would've wanted, to be spread all overthe neighborhood that he loved.
All overthe people that he loved.