Code Monkeys (2007) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
[Flies buzzing]
- Dude, I don't think this
is such a good idea.
You know Todd doesn't like
to be disturbed
when he's programming.
- Does he mind being disturbed
when he's dead? Because I
think we're about to find
his rotting corpse.
- Gross, dude.
- I am just trying to prepare
you for the worst, dude.
He's been in there,
like, 5 weeks.
Todd, we're comin' in,
so if you're bangin' away
on your baloney,
then prepare to see me throw up.
- Ohh! Ohh!
It smells like--aah!
- Cat piss and ass!
- Holy crap! He's dead!
[Vomiting]
- Back, you foul being!
I am Todd, Master
of the Weak-willed!
- Heh heh! Todd, it's me, Dave.
It's time to come to
the meeting, buddy.
- Ah, yes. Dave.
I know the name well.
Todd, you've got to come
to the meeting, present
your new game.
It's gonna be OK, man.
- But I should go home,
have Mother bathe me.
Warm water and her sudsy hands
are just what I need.
I'm coming, Mumsy!
- No time for that now.
I've got some water on me.
There you go.
Fresh as a daisy.
Perfect.
Now, let's go hear
this masterpiece you've
been working on.
Me, I'm too high to give a rip.
- Ah, yes.
Must masterpiece
show world genius of.
[Video game music playing]
The game--"Elfin Quest:
The Hunt for Ear of Nybor."
The style--taking fantasy gaming
to an entirely different level.
The effect?
Not since "Gonad the Balbarian"
has there been a game
this great,
but far, far more triumphal,
as you can see.
- Hold on a minute! Dean, didn't
we already ship this game?
- Dude, here it comes ♪
- Naw, bro.
I think we shipped Jerry's
fantasy game, like, 3 weeks ago.
- What about my game,
"Fruit Planet"? ♪
- Anyway, we already shipped
Jerry's fantasy game,
so I guess what I'm sayin'
is, "Next!"
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
Please forgive me, Mr. Larrity.
I--I did not immediately
recognize that as a clever joke.
- Boy, I wasn't jokin'!
Can't have two fantasy games
out at one time.
It'll confuse the marketplace.
Let me put this
as delicately as possible.
Your game's [bleep]-canned.
Yee-ha.
- OK, very well.
I--you shipped Jerry's game
3 weeks ago
and did not tell me.
Uh, uh, fair is fair.
Ahem.
You whore
douchebag bitchface!
I'll kill you!
- Holy crap!
- Crap! Get him off of me!
- Show us your boobs!
Jerry, close your mouth so you
don't get a taste of the junk!
- What?
- It's rule number deuce when
you're wrestling
a fat, naked man.
- What's rule number one?
- Avoid the ass sandwich
at all cost.
Dude, you're breaking
rule number one.
- Oh! Uhh!
He's gained weight!
Oh, he's crushing my heart!
I taste death!
- Hey, Todd,
if you fart right now, I'll
give you a hundred bucks.
- Why?
[Gunshot]
- If you boys want
to play grab-ass,
do it on your own time!
Dean, separate
these two tardos.
- You got it, Dad!
Boom! Get over here, dude!
- I can't see.
- Don't worry, dude.
It's just temporary
ass blindness.
I've seen it
a million times before.
- Here you go, son,
just in case
you want to commit suicide
to spare yourself
from the nightmares
that you're surely gonna git.
- That's the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.
- You're right.
How sad is that?
- He'll never
catch me alive!
- OK, well, that happened.
Uh, heh!
Let's get back to
the meetin', everybody.
Dean, how we comin' on craftin'
that mission statement?
- Uh, I learned how to spell
"mission," see?
There's no "h" in there.
[Video game music playing]
- I didn't think your head
could actually fit up his--
- I don't know, man.
- Don't know what,
how to pleasure a woman?
- No, I don't know--
- Secret to staying cool
all summer long?
- No, I--
- Oh, how I can be
a complete genius, but also
a regular guy
that people can relate to.
The secret is
strapping it to the side
of your leg and wearing
slightly loose pants; that way,
when it dangles, it--
- No, damn it!
I don't know about Todd!
When Larrity pulled his game,
I think he finally snapped.
He kind of scares me,
Dave, um, a lot.
- Dude, what's the worst
he could do, like,
disembowel you with a Shop-Vac
and force you to wear
a colostomy bag
the rest of your life?
- Yeah, that would be
pretty bad.
- If Todd didn't snap
after his birthday,
he's not gonna snap
after this.
- Dave, wouldn't it
just be easier
to pee in his beer bottle?
- That's not the point, dude.
The point is best prank ever.
Now help me fit my Johnson
inside this tap.
All right, ready?
OK, tell him to take a drink.
- I guess.
- Besides, we've got
bigger problems now.
- What do you mean,
bigger problems?
- Our little Korean connection.
- What you prickos want?
I'm very busy!
- Hey, so how 'bout
you approve our games?
- I told you already.
You want me to approve
your games,
I'm gonna need
unfiltered cigarettes.
- Benny, you know Larrity'll
flip out if we give you
unfiltered.
They're bad for kids.
You'll also get cancer,
like, 10 minutes sooner.
I couldn't do that
to you, buddy.
- Maybe you should think
think about what bad
for programmers.
And what bad
for programmers
is never getting
another game shipped.
Ha ha! You see?
I made it funny for you.
- I don't get it.
You approved our last game
in, like, an hour.
- Oh, I approved your last game,
all right, and what'd I get?
No thank you, no tip!
No damn anything!
- Hey, thanks for approving
our last game, bro.
- Ah, it's too late!
Benny on strike,
and I got all the power
in my tiny Asian hands.
You want games approved?
Here's my list of demands.
Now go get in your
[bleep] shine box!
- I say we kill him and replace
him with a stuffed animal.
- Dave, let me
talk to him.
Hey, little man,
I hear you, but you're
the lead game tester,
and that's a mighty
responsibility.
- Hit the bricks.
[Record scratches]
I don't listen to guy
that gets less ass than me.
- Listen, you little [bleep],
you get over here.
- Help! Help!
Jerry and Dave trying
to touch me where I pee!
- Oh, crap!
- What? No! No!
My hands are up in the air!
I didn't touch anyone's wee-wee!
- Help!
[Video game music plays]
- Thank God you're here.
You hold him down and I'll
kick him in the face.
- Dave!
- Shut it, perv!
The nerve of this guy, right?
I mean, heh!
Hey, Chinatown, this ain't
over between me and you.
- Ooh, it's done.
It's done more than
your mom, baby!
- I think you chipped my tooth.
- Uh, you should be thanking me.
If I'd kicked you harder,
you would have swallowed it.
- Benny is going
to screw us, Dave.
We're gonna be fired.
You know how Larrity is
about ship dates.
- That little bastard.
If he's not careful, someone's
gonna run him down with a--
- Van!
- Well, yeah, that's
kinda specific. but--
Whoa! What the hell?!
Todd, you can't park that here.
- I dare you, bitch whore!
[Back-up signal beeping]
Hold still and get
run over like a man!
[Laughing maniacally]
- What the hell is going on?
- Ooh! Are we under attack?
Is that them Russians?
- Nothin'. Todd tried
to kill Jerry, but like
everything else in his life,
he failed. Heads up.
- Aah!
Even his van is fat!
- Dean, are you OK?
- Yeah, he just ran
over my head.
My head holds up
pretty good to vans.
- Damn it! I don't have
my pistola on me!
Black Steve, I need you to take
care of business for me, son.
- It's already done.
[Gunfire]
- Aah!
Ooh!
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
- Ooh, that is no bueno.
- OK, looky-loos.
We got work to do.
No time to stand around
to watch a man burn to death.
[Sniffs]
Hey, what's for lunch today?
I suddenly got a hankerin'
for some barbecue.
Dave, Jerry, how come none
of your games has shipped
this week?
You got 4 seconds to answer.
[Chime]
[Chime]
- You see, dude?
I knew Todd's gone psycho.
- What, because he
crashed his van
into a building a couple
of times?
- If that's psycho,
guess what, buddy.
I'm psycho 'cause I did that
just last week.
- Well, right, but you
were on Peyote.
- You pushed the secret button
that lets me pass through walls.
- Awesome! Dr. Freckles,
you're the best cat doctor ever.
What else should I do?
- Hmm, suck my [bleep].
Uh, I'm just kidding.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm just kidding.
No, I'm not.
Anyway, crash into
that building.
- That's a great [bleep] idea!
And who's to say Todd's
not on Peyote?
You're not a doctor
like Dr. Freckles,
but if you want to waste
your time worrying about that,
go ahead 'cause you know what?
I'm gonna be worried
about the little midget
and his little demands.
Where the hell am I gonna find
chocolate kimchee
and nicotine
Fruit Roll-Ups? Tell me!
[Video game music playing]
- OK, Benny, we got most
of what you wanted on the list.
- Yeah, we couldn't find
the cat handcuffs
or the Pixy Stick nunchucks.
- Benny, not happy!
- All right, but we did get you
bok choy-flavored wine coolers,
"Oh! Heavenly Dog"
on Betamax.
- Give it!
- Plus a gross of switchblades,
cigarettes of the world,
batting gloves
for your joystick hand,
and 10 pounds of pure, uncut
[South American accent]
Colombian sugar.
[Normal accent]
Huh? It's all there, man, so,
uh, how 'bout you approve
those games?
- OK, Dave,
and Jerry.
"Family Ties: The Video Game"?
Thumbs up, approved.
- Wait, what about
our other games
- "Moon Banger," Dave?
- It's the one where you
screw the moon, dude.
- Yeah, I got that much, but--
- Sorry, Joes.
It gonna cost extra
to get those stink bombs
approved.
- But we met your demands.
- Yeah,
and I maxed out Jerry's
credit cards on all this.
- What?!
- Here my new list.
24 hours, bitches.
- Dave, what are we gonna do?
- Don't worry. I've got a plan.
- [Grunts]
I'm alive.
[Laughing]
Alive, I tell you!
[Inhales deeply]
Alive!
- Not one of your better days.
- Oh, the bullets only pierced
the first layer of fat.
Don't you see,
my mechanical friend?
I can't be killed.
I'm a god!
[Gasps]
And god wants revenge!
- Let's not get carried away.
- Silence, you.
God hears no voice but his own.
Tiffany, as I was
being baked like
a delicious, delicious ham,
I had a vision.
I must find a master that can
restore my charisma points
to right my course, and to do
this, I must go on a quest,
a quest that has 3 missions.
First, I must capture
Molly Ringwald.
Secondly, I must use
her beauty as an offering
to Gary Gygax, the only man
who can grant me my points.
Thirdly, only then
can I come back
and vanquish the evil
that is GameAVision.
Are you with me?
- I'm out.
- All right.
Who needs you?
Just me and you, Tiffany.
By the power of Moldor,
I shall be avenged-ed!
I wish we were in
a high-ceiling room right now
'cause that would have sounded
great with an echo.
[Video game music playing]
- Hello, my good man.
My name is Pardue, a traveler.
I will taketwo packs of gum,
a Diet Coke, some duct tape,
a liter of that chloroform,
some nachos, of course,
a crowbar,
and, uh, some of that baby oil.
And in return,
I will give you
this coin.
- That's great.
You need some rope with that?
We're having
a 2-for-1 sale on rope.
- Heh! Why not,
trusty shopkeep?
For I am going to abduct
Molly Ringwald,
which is the first part
of my quest, a quest
to find the great master,
Gary Gygax,
ruler of all role-playing games,
for he will restore my--
- Yeah, good luck with that.
Anything else?
- Yeah.
Could I get a hotdogaburrito
with triple cheese?
- What's that?
- It's a hot dog filled
with nacho cheese,
wrapped in a tortilla.
It's a delicacy of Middle Earth.
- Yeah, we don't have that.
- Mmm.
Would you call another store?
I'll wait.
[Bird chirps]
- Jerry, these are
some friends of mine,
Johnny Handsome
and Massive Pussy.
- Hey, this is
a really nice restaurant.
I love spaghetti.
- Johnny Handsome is my mom's
cousin, once removed.
By the way, Johnny,
she wants to have you over
for, uh, Sunday brunch,
so, you know, give her a call.
Anyway, I need you to take care
of somethin' for me.
- Does this somethin'
got a name?
- Yeah, Benny.
- Dave!
Are you putting a hit out
on a little kid?!
- Dude, I just want them
to rough him up a little.
So what do you say?
- And what are you
offering in return?
- The usual.
- No.
I don't want another gift
certificate to the Red Lobster.
We want the beta testers
with "Moon Banger"
and "Jumpin' Jews."
Oh, and "Pencil Pusher 4."
- With all the respect
that's due, Massive Pussy,
um, "Pencil Pusher 4"
isn't done yet.
It actually won't be out
till next year.
- Figure it out.
I promised my kid
"Pencil Pusher 4"
if he made the honor roll.
He made the honor roll.
- That's the deal, boys.
Take it or get
the [bleep] out.
- Yeah, we'll take it.
[Video game music playing]
[Car door closes]
- Shermer High School.
What a strange name
for a castle.
- "Get me a chicken Hot Pocket."
"No."
"I said get me
a chicken Hot Pocket!"
"Does this look like
chicken Hot Pocket, Dad?"
"I said get me
a chicken Hot Pocket!"
"No! Dad!"
[Imitates punching sound]
- Greetings.
My name is Pardue,
the traveler from Horrow.
I will now pause
and allow you time to bow.
- Hello?
I'm baring my soul here.
- I am sorry, kind sir,
but I am a knight on a quest.
Now where is Molly,
the fiery, red-headed sorceress?
- What are you talking about?
- She's the one putting
her lipstick on with her boobs.
Did I stutter?
- Ah, yes.
Fear not, good woman.
I am not here to rape you.
I am merely here
to abduct you!
- Look, I don't talk to geeks.
- Then perhaps you will
talk to my staff.
- Aah! Help! Help!
Help me!
- You shall travel with me
as a princess is accustomed--
in the trunk of
my rented automobile.
Your chariot awaits,
fair maiden.
- Bummer.
- Don't just sit there!
Help me, you [bleep]!
- Why didn't we help her?
- Because she's
a stuck-up bitch!
- Hey! Keep it down.
Come on, Bender, take a shot.
I dare ya.
- Dave, I don't feel
comfortable with this.
- Yeah, well, I don't feel
comfortable with you standing
behind me when I pee.
Look, Massive Pussy
and Johnny Handsome
won't hurt anybody.
They'll just scare Benny
into shipping our games,
and that'll be that.
- Promise?
- Does a game programmer
pee on shoes?
- What?
Oh, I get it.
[Zipper zips]
- Whoa, is that blood?
- You dumb turd box.
You never beat Benny!
I'm Korean Fu!
What do you got, baseball?
I got kimchee, bitch!
[Chime]
- Parry, parry,
thrust, thrust, thrust ♪
[Sings gibberish]
Tra la la la la ♪
[Vocalizes]
Miss Ringwald, are you
quite comfortable?
- Aah!
- Need I remind you
this is not a rape,
but merely an abduction.
- [Muffled]
Let me out of here!
- Good, just so we're clear.
[Birds chirp]
- [Plays a tune]
- Not again.
Todd, just because I invented
"Dungeons & Dragons"
doesn't mean you can
harass me like this.
- Creator, my name is Pardue.
I know not of this Todd.
I am from the land of Jorrow!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come in.
I have neighbors, you know.
- I brought you a meek offering.
Behold, the sorceress
Molly Ringwald,
in all her
red-devil-haired glory!
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
I just want you to know
that I am not involved
in this in any way.
- Please help me--aah!
- Todd, you have to stop
doing this. It's just a game.
You're acting like
a crazy person.
- But, Creator, I'm confused.
My name is not Todd.
It is Pardue the Traveler.
I have traversed great distances
in my rental horse.
- Todd, if this happens again,
I am going to have to
call the police.
I am an adult.
I don't have time for games.
- But I have brought you
Molly Ringwald.
- Help!
- As well
as coin and herb
and Molly Ringwald!
- These are arcade tokens for a
place called The Dream Factory.
- Now we must barter.
In exchange for Molly Ringwald,
I would like you to give me
3 points of dexterity,
5 points of strength,
6 points of sexual stamina,
and 200 charisma points.
- Sexual stamina is not a part
of "Dungeons & Dragons."
- I made you my offer, Creator.
Now take it or leave it.
- [Muffled screaming]
- Damn it, Molly Ringwald!
Prance for the man.
Sing an aria. Just--damn it,
I thought you were an actress.
Act like you're
worth something!
- Fine. I bestow upon you
3 points of dexterity,
5 points of strength,
6 points of sexual stamina,
and 200 points of charisma.
Blazzle kerdazzle.
- Yes! I feel it!
- That's the magic happening.
Now get out.
- [Muffled] Let me go
and I won't call the cops!
- Well, paint my ass white
and call me Meryl Streep!
Heh! I never thought Dave
and Jerry had it in 'em.
- Had what in 'em, Dad?
- Benny just told me
that Dave and Jerry hired
somebody to kill me.
- It's true,
honorable father.
Two fat, hairy greaseballs
are coming today
to punch your ticket, and I
don't know what I would ever do
without you,
my prescient, present papa.
- Yee-ha!
I feel like dancin' me
a hoedown!
- Say what?
- Ha ha! I love it!
Life tastes sweeter
when you're bein' hunted.
Benny, if this all
goes OK,
and I can avoid assassination,
how'd you like
to see your parents again
as a little thank-you?
- Papa? Mama?
It's what I dream
about every night.
- OK, then,
git to gittin'!
We gots work to do, and I would
like to thank you, Benny.
Ha ha ha!
Good job, son.
What that little bugger doesn't
know is that his parents died
in a tragic accident
while tryin' to find him.
Oh, well, kids are resilient.
He'll bounce right back.
- There it is, the bastion
of evil that must be taken out.
And with my new charisma points
and 4 cases of power sticks,
I will vanquish the dark knight
Larrity and the traitor Jerry,
as well as Clare
the elfin whore,
Mary the boob troll,
Clarence the fairy king,
Black Steven
the serpent prince,
and David,
lord of the jerkholes.
And then you shall be
my queen, Tiffany,
in this new land
we will have created.
What say you to that?
"Then we can have lotsa
hot sex, you big, strong man!"
Of course, my love.
"It's not gonna be
like last time, is it?"
I told you, I wasn't
feeling well.
I think I ate
a bad chili dog.
"Well, a two-pump jump ain't
gonna satisfy me, boy!"
I said I would
make that up to you.
"Boy, don't you get sasty
with me! I'll slap you back!"
Enough! Let's just get on
with avenging.
Lord, can Pardue get
no respite?
- Is that you,
Black Steve?
- Yo, man, I didn't know
she was your sister.
- What the [bleep]
are you talkin' about?
- Nothin'. I got to go.
- Whoa!
You got beat with
the ugly stick. I'm out.
- Oh! That was him!
[Chime]
[Chime]
- Yo.
You see a little Korean kid
run through here?
- No, good sire,
but I did see
an Asian leprechaun
scamper past
but a second ago.
- Thanks.
- I'm tellin' ya,
I saw them come this way.
- Oh, hey, Todd.
- Todd is dead.
There is only Pardue
the Conqueror!
- Hey, dude, you got
nacho cheese on your Johnson.
- So I do. That is a small
price to pay for victory.
- Yeah, whatever.
Did you see two mobsters
walk through here?
- No, but I did see
two swarthy Gelflings
scurry through
the underbrush
nary a second ago.
- Is this dynamite?
- Come on, Jerry,
we don't have time.
- But I think that was
dynamite, Dave.
- All right, you little
piece of [bleep].
We could do this the easy way
or the hard way.
- That's what I told your mom.
Point to Benny.
- OK, you little bitch,
this is gonna hurt.
- Also what I told your mom.
- Oh, a wise guy, huh?
[Gunfire]
- What the hell?
- Dean!
- I'm way ahead of you, Dad.
- Well, well, well,
look who it is.
- Tweedle Dee Dee
and Tweedle Dee Doo.
- Son, why don't you
leave the jokes to me?
- You got it, Chief.
Shiny shoes,
apple pie, baseball,
OK, G.I. Joe.
- Boys, I got
two barrels
of my 4-barrel
shotgun left.
You want to give me a reason
not to plug your butts?
- Ha ha ha!
This is awesome.
- Well, Tiffany, all is ready.
"Ooh, you can say it is!
"You're so powerful, Pardue!
Whoo! You're hotter
than Patrick Swayze on fire!"
Thank you, my little
make-believe temptress.
It is time.
"Then let's light this candle!"
- Some more s'mores?
Ha ha ha ha! Point for Benny.
- Look, Larrity, we were just
trying to scare Benny.
They weren't really gonna
hurt him, just maybe break
his face or somethin'.
- Oh, that excuse is faker'n
my girlfriend's fake boobies!
You brought assassins here
to kill me so you could
steal my treasure,
and to think
I once loved you boys
more than I love
my own retarded son.
- Come on, bro.
- Sir, you've got it all wrong.
I can explain.
- Fellas,
I'm afraid this is
gonna be the end.
- The end of evil
[Audio cutting in and out]
[Heavy metal playing]
[Rapper rapping indistinctly]
- [Blows]
[Video game music plays]
[Flies buzzing]
- Dude, I don't think this
is such a good idea.
You know Todd doesn't like
to be disturbed
when he's programming.
- Does he mind being disturbed
when he's dead? Because I
think we're about to find
his rotting corpse.
- Gross, dude.
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- Parry, parry, parry,
thrust, thrust, thrust ♪
[Singing gibberish]