Community s01e09 Episode Script

So then the guy says to the housekeeper: "Make sure she's dead.
" Stop me if you've heard this before.
Would've been nice The housekeeper says to the guy, "We don't have a pool.
" And the guy says Good morning, Greendale.
Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home the championship tomorrow versus City College.
Go, Human Beings.
Great, now I gotta start the whole joke over again.
Okay, so this No! I've got one for you.
A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ringed binder.
I don't get it.
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
Don't tell them my business.
I'll slap that look off your pointy face.
Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you're my friend.
You need to start smoking again.
I really think you should.
You lose weight and your skin looks great when you smoke.
Guys, I appreciate your support, but I've got to quit.
Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a hypnotherapist.
Ten-to-one says it's him.
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
And I'm very effective.
Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying? Jeff, she's right there.
Pierce, I would be grateful for your help.
You would? Super.
I'll set it up.
What? I feel bad for him.
Plus, I just yelled at him.
You yelled at me too.
Oh.
Did I hurt your feelings, pointy face? Wow.
Wow.
Have you seen the film department's website? What do you think? All of Abed's films are about us.
What? Check it out.
What else is new? Jeff.
Hola.
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about You're living out of your car.
Why on earth are you living out of your car? Those people look just like us.
That's eerie.
Fine, it's true.
I'm living out of my car.
And I don't want anyone's help.
We had almost that exact conversation last week.
Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago.
That boy is a soothsayer.
This is wrinkling my brain.
This is wrinkling my brain.
That's wrinkling my brain.
Get a load of these wrinkles.
Heh, heh.
Who's that old guy? Hi.
I'm Pierce Hawthorne.
Oh, come on.
There he is.
Oh.
Mr.
Winger.
Hold on.
Did you to hear my announcement? I hang on every word.
I assume that's sarcasm.
Correct.
You didn't hear? I'm barely listening now.
Oh, okay.
My debate partner dropped out.
We need you for the championship.
Jeffrey, as debate coach, I'm offering you an opportunity to spend a night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! Channel.
Come on, Jeff, who better than a former lawyer to really stick it to those City College snobs and their star debater, Simmons? Mmm.
Pass.
Okay, no, no, no.
Wait.
Okay, no, no, no.
Look.
Listen, jerk wad.
I'm sorry, that got heated.
Greendale needs a win.
The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay.
So, what's it gonna take? A plum parking space? Free meals? A night of companionship, if you know what I mean? I'll do it for the parking space.
And if you promise not to tell me what you mean.
All right.
Yeah.
Pierce, thank you.
I really appreciate you helping me out.
And I appreciate the opportunity.
You know, sometimes I think people don't take me seriously.
What are you gonna do? Wave a pocket watch in front of my face and tell me I'm getting very sleepy.
Just checking the time.
Now close your eyes and keep them closed at all times.
And listen to the soothing sound of my voice.
The only word that will bring you out is "gorilla.
" Okay, now, focus on the rhythm of your own breathing.
And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette you will associate these urges with things in your life that disgust you.
Bad tasting food, sex with men, wearing attractive clothing.
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself.
Somebody help me.
Oh! Britta, wake up.
Why did I put you under so well? Damn my talents.
Aah! The topic for the debate is, "Are people inherently good or evil?" When do you want to get together to strategize? Annie, I was a lawyer.
I was a debater for money.
I think I can handle this.
So how was hypnotherapy? He fell down while I laid there to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
You realize this will never end.
It's already done.
He just wants one more session.
# Wah-waah! # Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films.
That boy is flat-out prescient.
He can read our minds.
I know.
You watched my movies.
He's a witch.
Get him.
I'm not a witch.
I'm a student of human character.
I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior.
Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet, Christian, generous person.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.
I know you have rage issues.
Careful, boy.
Oh! Careful, boy.
Here, check this out.
May I? Okay.
Yeah.
Jeff acts like nothing affects him, but things bother him more than he lets on.
Hey, I'm top of the class.
He's also very vain.
Pfft! Ridiculous.
Ohh.
Why am I crying? Will I listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again? Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie.
I can't predict the future.
I hurt my leg.
Ah! What up, happy people? You tell me my future right now, evil wizard.
By the way, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants.
As Golding's Lord of the Flies demonstrates, man, when left to his own devices, will descend into chaos and evil.
And now, from City College, Jeremy Simmons.
Jeremy.
Jeremy.
Jeremy.
Jeremy.
There were 23,000 kidney donations in America last year.
Man is good.
The average life expectancy for a man in a community is 23 years longer than a man alone.
Man is good.
And just 10 minutes ago, a bald, bespectacled man held the door for a man in a wheelchair.
Man is good.
Oh.
Heh, heh.
I hate this guy.
By the end of this debate I will prove with facts and data that man is inherently good.
Little trick for achieving the proper competitive mind set.
I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.
This feels so formal.
Let's just talk.
People are evil.
They can't help it.
I didn't catch your name.
It's Jean.
Take Jean here.
She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely.
Tell me, how many people bothered to tell you how great you look today? None.
Man is evil.
But you just said how great I looked.
For my own selfish purposes.
The fact is, as hot as you look and it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything.
When I talk about people being evil, I could cite quotes, or dig up statistics, but those are just words and numbers.
I think we could have a little more fun if I express myself in song.
# Evil woman # # Evil woman ## That's my time, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
At the end of round one.
City College, 50.
Greendale, eight.
I got eight? I only got eight? She got eight.
You got zero.
It's debate, not American Idol.
Nice work, L.
A.
Law.
All sizzle, no steak.
I don't care, dude.
I'm doing this for a parking space.
Let's go, boys.
Come on, let's go.
I wanna see some hustlers out there.
Let's go.
By Zeus.
What sort of jackassery is this? We're in the middle of a debate.
We reserved the gym for practice so Yup, they reserved it.
Okay, they got us by the short ones.
The debate is suspended until tomorrow.
Hopefully, by then we can get our act together.
Oh, great try, Bruce.
Great try.
When are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow? Never.
Because it's stupid and I don't care.
Bite me.
Maybe Simmons is right.
You really are all sizzle and no steak.
You probably couldn't beat him.
What do you mean, I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder and beat City College tomorrow.
Really? No.
Who am I, iCarly? Abed is right, you act like things don't bother you, but they do.
Look, six months ago I was a lawyer.
I wore suits.
I used to say stuff like "objection" and "sidebar.
" Now I'm losing a community college debate to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.
Hey, Winger.
You like to sing? I like to sing too.
# Zero for Winger # Kick that.
# Was a big shot lawyer # # Now he's a loser ## Lay off, Simmons.
Jeff didn't understand the rules.
Yeah? What's your excuse, eight points? Dude, leave her out of this.
# Little Annie Adderall Was an outcast in high school ## That's it.
Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you.
We've got some preparing to do.
I liked you better smoking.
I'm so sorry.
No.
You're right, my feet are long and stupid.
You can't unring that bell.
Oh, no.
That's my newspaper.
What do you need a paper for? You knew what was gonna happen, you Magic Eight Ball.
Pierce hurt his leg.
Britta made Troy cry.
What's my destiny? Am I gonna die in a car? Is it going to happen soon? Shirley, I'm just an entertainer.
But if it will make you feel better, here, let me show you what I'm working on.
Were No.
Were Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? Yeah, that's how you'd behave in that situation.
No? The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf.
Mm-hm.
And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
You're a fool.
Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards.
The guards immediately started to abuse Ugh! What's wrong? I have this pain above my eyebrow.
It's a stress headache.
I got my first one when I was 4.
I hate it.
Well, get to used to it.
You're knee-deep in it, brother.
This is debate.
If you want to win, you need to prepare.
Well, agreed.
But if you want to win, you need to loosen up.
Go off-book, robot debater.
Oh, my gosh.
You're right.
Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism to sell his points and here I am, like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back.
Yeah.
What do you think? Yeah.
Thanks.
Be careful.
Abed thinks you two are going to kiss.
Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous.
Us kissing.
That is ridiculous.
Totally.
We should get back to work.
Yes.
Okay.
The People are inherently evil.
Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote.
"Man is a collection of base, animal urges.
" To act on them and experience sinful pleasure "would be morally no different than taking a breath.
" That's poignant, right? Yeah.
You know, maybe we should study alone.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Separately.
That way we can be more reproductive Productive.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, you forgot your phone.
Oh, I can get another one.
The next time you even see a cigarette, you will think of things that disgust you.
And while you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men.
Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough, heh, tummy to love.
You'll want to buy him dinner.
Then go back to his hot tub.
You'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way.
Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
A-ha! Pierce, I was awake the whole time.
I was faking it.
I know.
I saw you.
What do you think I am? Some joke? No.
No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself.
How dare you pity me.
I may be a little older, my ideas may seem weird, my fashion sense may cause envy, but I have a lot to offer and I will not to be pitied.
Do not help me up.
And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote: "Snow falls from the heavens pure.
We cannot blame the snow for being soiled by the Earth.
" Man is good.
What? That dude gets it.
Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal.
Hey, sizzle.
What are you going to sing tonight? I'm in the mood for Sade.
In the Stanford Prison Experiment, when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students.
My competitor likened people to pure, falling snow.
I would respond, "There is none righteous, no, not one.
" Now, I realize Mr.
Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.
Mine was just from a simple desert handyman named Jesus.
Oh, that's nice.
Survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people into our hearts.
Counter point.
Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.
Rebuttal.
Nuclear bombs.
Nuclear families.
Abu Ghraib.
Apu from The Simpsons.
Double rejoinder.
Telemarketers.
Organ donors.
Hate crimes.
Executions.
Ketchup is a vegetable.
Wow.
This is a real barn-burner.
Oh, God, did I just say cross-burner? No, you did not.
Oh, good.
We make an amazing team.
I know, we're so in sync, we're like a perfect duet or great se Hey, Professor Whitman.
Your preparation was impeccable.
You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair.
I just checked with the judges.
They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal.
Simmons is finished.
This is too much for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's going off-book.
Why is he ripping the cards, doesn't he need the cards? It's a gambit.
He hates me, yet he caught me.
Man is good.
Abed.
Abed.
He was horny, so he dropped him.
Man is evil.
Greendale wins.
Huzzah! Eat that, Simmons.
God.
That off-book enough for you? Simmons got robbed.
They kissed.
You do have powers.
I'm going to die by werewolf.
Shirley, I don't have powers.
Trust me.
In my next film, we discover Pierce is an actual genius.
That's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.
Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub.
You did it.
Yes.
I did? You're a genius.
Who's the third? You did great in there.
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.
Full moon tonight.
Shirley.
Shirley.
Well, I'm going this way, so Well, congratulations, buddy.
Thanks, pal.
Just pat me.
Cut.
Cut, let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? Do you? Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on.
Just have fun with it.
Take 36.