Con Man (2015) s01e09 Episode Script
Sinking Feelings
Meanwhile, on "Con Man" I'm gonna whoop your ass, bitch.
I'm gonna take my fist and stick it up your dick.
Thank you for your service.
Okay, thank you Well, I just quit Super Soldiers III.
You know what? Screw video games.
I got something better for us to do.
- What? - A movie.
You want You want me in one of your movies? I miss working with you, man! Are you doing a Spectrum movie? No, we're not gonna do a Spectrum movie.
I've got this appearance that I'm supposed to go to tonight at Jammer Comics for their grand opening.
Can you fill in for me? - Just say yes.
- No - Say yes.
- No They're gonna pay you 5000 dollars.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Con Man - Episode 9 - "Sinking Feelings" Hey, buddy! Jack! Yo.
This is Rigamarole, and I am gonna huffin' and I'm a puffin' and I'm gonna blow your house down if you don't open the door, bitch! You are trespassing.
The police have been called and the defense system has been armed.
Dude, stop that.
It's freaking me out.
It's Wray.
Get down on your knees.
You have 5 seconds to comply.
- Jack? - Now! Seriously? Gotcha! Oh, I'm so sorry.
You were actually about to kneel.
No, I was I was flexing my knees I'm Faith.
Come in.
What's the tail number? What? - Oh, god.
Tell me.
- Oh I feel like I know you already.
Jack talks about you all the time.
You talking to me, this time? Yeah.
Uh, if you want a swimsuit, we have a whole box from Jack's new swimsuit line.
Jack has a swimsuit line? No, I don't need one of those.
Great.
Thank you.
Expect him in about 30 minutes.
Alright.
- You wanna go swimming? - No.
Is he outside? He's on his way to the airport.
What? Uh, yeah, Jiro insisted that he take him partying.
Well, take me.
In Vegas.
Jack said you don't do Vegas.
- Screw Vegas! - Oh, what happened in Vegas? I don't wanna talk about it, it's a Did he mention my movie? I mean, it's his movie, our movie, it's kind of a Any movie? Did he mention any movie? He'll call when he gets there.
- - - - No gross.
- What am I looking at? Oh, my god! Here Try this.
Thank you for your service.
- Jiro Ono? - Yep.
- That tastes like fish.
- Right? So are you Jack's new girlfriend? Oh, no! I'm Jack's new assistant.
You're thinking of Nina.
- They're back together again? - Mmm, kinda He's also dating a woman named Martina.
And someone named Cristina.
He's doing it again.
Last year, he dated a Marcy, a Darcy and a Larceny.
- Larceny? Has to be a stripper.
- Yeah.
It was.
But her stage name was Pam.
- Really? Clever.
- It's all very strange.
I mean, it's tough to date in L.
A.
, I find.
Do you You're too old for me.
I wasn't saying that! Obviously it's on your mind.
Right.
Come on.
Grab one of Jack's swimsuits.
No.
I don't want to go swimming.
Swimming is boring.
I'm an adult.
Uh, that's such an old person thing to say! We'll play Marco Polo.
That's not boring.
Marco Polo? I haven't played Marco Polo since I was a kid in the 80s.
I would have thought you'd be well into adulthood by then.
See? I'm getting a lot of mixed signals.
I feel like that is flirting.
That's not how I flirt How do you flirt? You'd find it boring.
Marco! You're terrible at this.
- Marco! - Polo! Are we even gonna be able to hear Jack's call out here? It's a really great movie.
- My movie? - Hey! Close your eyes! You open them again, I'm not gonna tell ya.
Come on, spin around.
- Spin! - You lied to me.
I can't believe you know the movie.
What's the movie? Faith Marco.
- Polo.
- If I catch you, you have to tell me.
Good luck! - Marco.
Marco.
- Polo.
Polo.
- Marco.
Marco? - Polo.
Polo.
Marco! You have to say it! Marco.
Marco.
Polo.
"Spectrum".
The TV show.
The movie.
Jack wants to make a movie of Spectrum.
- That's what he told me.
- Spectrum? With the original cast? Have you seen The original cast lately? - I shouldn't have told you.
- Spectrum! No! No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Wray? I don't know you well enough, Wray.
Is this what you do when you're happy? You kicked me in the throat! I was worried about you! So you kicked me in the throat? I hate Spectrum.
Okay, calm down.
You're being a little childish.
Hear me say it.
I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I wanted anything.
I wanted a thriller, I wanted a comedy, I wanted An action movie.
I would have done an arthouse movie with really hot actresses in it that are playing all naked but you can't enjoy it because they're oppressed or moody or having sex with Ben Kingsley.
I I don't care! Anything! Anything! Anything but Spectrum.
Spectrum? I just want to die alone.
- Are you aiming for my throat? - Stop sinking! I'm sorry.
Come on.
Sit down.
Oh, my gosh.
Wray, you have to tell Jack.
No, god He loves Spectrum more than anybody.
- Because it was a great show.
- I know.
It was the best thing that I've ever done.
And that's the problem.
I feel like A band that had one hit song and now they've just been touring for 10 years.
I'm The Knack.
I'm The Knack singing "My Sharona" city after city But it's sci-fi.
You just did "Justify".
That's not sci-fi.
- Yeah.
- You saw that? It was supposed to be a 5 episode arc.
But then they killed me.
I keep dying.
Why does Hollywood want me dead? Okay, you were in that Abraham Lincoln movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.
I did the Abraham Lincoln movie With vampires.
Oh, right.
It just stuffs me deeper into the pigeon hole.
When people say that you've been stuffed into a pigeon hole, it is not the hole that pigeons live in.
So what does it mean? It is the hole in the pigeon.
- Butthole.
- Yeah, no, I got that.
If that's Jack, don't tell him I'm here.
- It sure is.
- Don't tell him I'm here.
No.
Don't I can't talk to him right now.
Yeah, I gotta go To a comic book store opening.
Because that's the kind of thing That I do.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hey, is he there yet? - He just left.
- Oh, shit.
Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible Is he a little unbalanced? He just needs a job.
Once he hears about Spectrum, he'll be fine.
Hey, I don't think this is Jiro Ono.
Then who is it? Oh, maybe we should crack a window.
That's not a good smell.
I'm gonna take my fist and stick it up your dick.
Thank you for your service.
Okay, thank you Well, I just quit Super Soldiers III.
You know what? Screw video games.
I got something better for us to do.
- What? - A movie.
You want You want me in one of your movies? I miss working with you, man! Are you doing a Spectrum movie? No, we're not gonna do a Spectrum movie.
I've got this appearance that I'm supposed to go to tonight at Jammer Comics for their grand opening.
Can you fill in for me? - Just say yes.
- No - Say yes.
- No They're gonna pay you 5000 dollars.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Con Man - Episode 9 - "Sinking Feelings" Hey, buddy! Jack! Yo.
This is Rigamarole, and I am gonna huffin' and I'm a puffin' and I'm gonna blow your house down if you don't open the door, bitch! You are trespassing.
The police have been called and the defense system has been armed.
Dude, stop that.
It's freaking me out.
It's Wray.
Get down on your knees.
You have 5 seconds to comply.
- Jack? - Now! Seriously? Gotcha! Oh, I'm so sorry.
You were actually about to kneel.
No, I was I was flexing my knees I'm Faith.
Come in.
What's the tail number? What? - Oh, god.
Tell me.
- Oh I feel like I know you already.
Jack talks about you all the time.
You talking to me, this time? Yeah.
Uh, if you want a swimsuit, we have a whole box from Jack's new swimsuit line.
Jack has a swimsuit line? No, I don't need one of those.
Great.
Thank you.
Expect him in about 30 minutes.
Alright.
- You wanna go swimming? - No.
Is he outside? He's on his way to the airport.
What? Uh, yeah, Jiro insisted that he take him partying.
Well, take me.
In Vegas.
Jack said you don't do Vegas.
- Screw Vegas! - Oh, what happened in Vegas? I don't wanna talk about it, it's a Did he mention my movie? I mean, it's his movie, our movie, it's kind of a Any movie? Did he mention any movie? He'll call when he gets there.
- - - - No gross.
- What am I looking at? Oh, my god! Here Try this.
Thank you for your service.
- Jiro Ono? - Yep.
- That tastes like fish.
- Right? So are you Jack's new girlfriend? Oh, no! I'm Jack's new assistant.
You're thinking of Nina.
- They're back together again? - Mmm, kinda He's also dating a woman named Martina.
And someone named Cristina.
He's doing it again.
Last year, he dated a Marcy, a Darcy and a Larceny.
- Larceny? Has to be a stripper.
- Yeah.
It was.
But her stage name was Pam.
- Really? Clever.
- It's all very strange.
I mean, it's tough to date in L.
A.
, I find.
Do you You're too old for me.
I wasn't saying that! Obviously it's on your mind.
Right.
Come on.
Grab one of Jack's swimsuits.
No.
I don't want to go swimming.
Swimming is boring.
I'm an adult.
Uh, that's such an old person thing to say! We'll play Marco Polo.
That's not boring.
Marco Polo? I haven't played Marco Polo since I was a kid in the 80s.
I would have thought you'd be well into adulthood by then.
See? I'm getting a lot of mixed signals.
I feel like that is flirting.
That's not how I flirt How do you flirt? You'd find it boring.
Marco! You're terrible at this.
- Marco! - Polo! Are we even gonna be able to hear Jack's call out here? It's a really great movie.
- My movie? - Hey! Close your eyes! You open them again, I'm not gonna tell ya.
Come on, spin around.
- Spin! - You lied to me.
I can't believe you know the movie.
What's the movie? Faith Marco.
- Polo.
- If I catch you, you have to tell me.
Good luck! - Marco.
Marco.
- Polo.
Polo.
- Marco.
Marco? - Polo.
Polo.
Marco! You have to say it! Marco.
Marco.
Polo.
"Spectrum".
The TV show.
The movie.
Jack wants to make a movie of Spectrum.
- That's what he told me.
- Spectrum? With the original cast? Have you seen The original cast lately? - I shouldn't have told you.
- Spectrum! No! No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Wray? I don't know you well enough, Wray.
Is this what you do when you're happy? You kicked me in the throat! I was worried about you! So you kicked me in the throat? I hate Spectrum.
Okay, calm down.
You're being a little childish.
Hear me say it.
I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I wanted anything.
I wanted a thriller, I wanted a comedy, I wanted An action movie.
I would have done an arthouse movie with really hot actresses in it that are playing all naked but you can't enjoy it because they're oppressed or moody or having sex with Ben Kingsley.
I I don't care! Anything! Anything! Anything but Spectrum.
Spectrum? I just want to die alone.
- Are you aiming for my throat? - Stop sinking! I'm sorry.
Come on.
Sit down.
Oh, my gosh.
Wray, you have to tell Jack.
No, god He loves Spectrum more than anybody.
- Because it was a great show.
- I know.
It was the best thing that I've ever done.
And that's the problem.
I feel like A band that had one hit song and now they've just been touring for 10 years.
I'm The Knack.
I'm The Knack singing "My Sharona" city after city But it's sci-fi.
You just did "Justify".
That's not sci-fi.
- Yeah.
- You saw that? It was supposed to be a 5 episode arc.
But then they killed me.
I keep dying.
Why does Hollywood want me dead? Okay, you were in that Abraham Lincoln movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.
I did the Abraham Lincoln movie With vampires.
Oh, right.
It just stuffs me deeper into the pigeon hole.
When people say that you've been stuffed into a pigeon hole, it is not the hole that pigeons live in.
So what does it mean? It is the hole in the pigeon.
- Butthole.
- Yeah, no, I got that.
If that's Jack, don't tell him I'm here.
- It sure is.
- Don't tell him I'm here.
No.
Don't I can't talk to him right now.
Yeah, I gotta go To a comic book store opening.
Because that's the kind of thing That I do.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hey, is he there yet? - He just left.
- Oh, shit.
Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible Is he a little unbalanced? He just needs a job.
Once he hears about Spectrum, he'll be fine.
Hey, I don't think this is Jiro Ono.
Then who is it? Oh, maybe we should crack a window.
That's not a good smell.