Crossing Swords (2020) s01e09 Episode Script

1
♪
[gasps]
Where am I?
What's happening?
Hello?
Someone help me!
[voice echoing]
Whoever you are, you don't scare me, okay?
I'm a real handful.
Just wait and see.
Eight of my last nine captors
killed themselves.
The ninth one died of gout.
God dammit,
do you know who I am?
- [sobbing]
- [footsteps pounding]
MINOTAUR:
Oh, I know exactly who you are,
Princess Blossom. [snorts]
The question you should be asking
is who am I?
Welcome to the womb of the maze
to which I am banished for eternity.
The labyrinth of death
where I feast upon the souls
who dare to venture its depths!
Much as I'd love to gobble you up
in this very moment,
I've given my word to wait.
But only for one day's time.
And then
you will be mine!
[gasping]
And scene.
[screaming]
[scream echoing]
And when our carriage
arrived at the academy,
they told us Princess Blossom
wasn't there.
She must have just disappeared
on the road between here and school.
Why weren't you riding with her?
She won't let us.
Fern gets carsick.
[whimpers] Out of both ends.
My sweet petal!
We must find her.
This is awful, Broth.
If someone's kidnapping beautiful maidens,
my girlfriend Sloane could be next.
Uh, I think you're fine.
Your majesties.
A letter from Blossom's captor.
"You have 24 hours to abdicate
the throne
or your daughter will be eaten."
Oh God!
I'm not playing any damn games.
I'm sending in special ops.
- We don't know where to send them.
- The return address says
"Minotaur's Labyrinth"?
[Queen Tulip gasps]
Send in the whole goddamn army.
The army was nearly
wiped out by the plague.
And if we lost the remainder,
the kingdom would be defenseless.
Time's running out. Merriman,
we've got to do something, anything!
All right, the plan man's
got a new plan.
Huh. Whoever saves the princess
from the labyrinth
gets one million dollars?
Whoo-hoo!
I can finally go to college.
MINOTAUR:
Time is the cruelest master,
unforgiving in its constant
Aaah! Fuck, fuck!
I burned my fucking hoof.
Shit. This isn't my usual torch.
- I'm not
- Amateur.
A real performer would never blame props
for their shitty performance.
You don't know the pressure
of delivering an epic monologue.
Oh, you think I don't know your world?
[light switch clangs]
I'm Princess fucking Blossom.
I've been kidnapped by the best
and witnessed villainous diatribes
from them all.
The derivative.
The brilliant.
The guy who died of gout halfway through.
He left it all on the stage.
You think I can't recognize talent?
I could take your sorry ass
from Minotaur to Minostar,
but you're not worth it!
Please. Teach me!
Get me a new pee bucket
and I'll consider it.
Mmm
Oh, Patrick.
I can't believe you're risking your neck
to save that little psychopath.
[sighs] It's my job, Sloane.
You're so brave.
It would be rude to disagree.
Ugh.
[horse whinnies]
[whispering] Broth,
the princess is so fuckin' dead.
I'm the worst squire alive.
I've cocked up every single assignment.
Patrick, when in doubt,
just remember the Viking motto:
"Fake it until you make it."
Is that really the Viking motto?
I have in fact forgot the Viking motto,
however I am faking it
until I am making it.
♪
[Blarney chuckles]
Blarney?
What are you doing here?
Can I interest anyone
in a minotaur balloon animal?
[balloon squeaking]
[air squeaking]
- [pop!]
- [clown horn honks]
Weird group.
There's that psychopath
who sells yeti pelts.
Mama's sleepin' under
a silky smooth minotaur blanket tonight.
Yeah-eah!
BOTH: Slapjack Flip!
[western soundtrack playing]
He rides alone.
Ho-ho-ho! Mr. Slapjack.
Do you want to be partners with me?
I ride alone.
BROTH: He rides alone, Trina.
Jesus!
[horn blows]
Gather round.
The Million Dollar Minotaur Challenge
is about to commence.
On my mark,
the contestants will enter the
Trina Franklins!
- [cheering]
- Oh, what the hell!
Hold up now.
Listen up, squires.
I don't think you're ready
for the labyrinth
and you will 1,000 percent die in there,
but if you should rescue the princess,
you'll earn
this Damsel-in-Distress merit badge.
- Oh, wow!
- I want it so much!
- It's mine.
- [Minotaur roars]
[challengers screaming]
This was a bad idea.
We're out.
Last chance to back out.
Blossom needs us.
Maybe if we all stick together
As much fun as that sounds,
there's no way I'm splitting that million.
Let's go get that ménage à trois!
Minotaur. Idiot.
Minotaur made out of balloons?
[cackling]
[pop!]
Fucking asshole!
This is fun.
It reminds me of a school field trip.
Yeah, my school field trips
always sucked pretty hard.
Most of the kids
were on an agriculture track.
FARMER: And lastly,
don't ever lead a cow upstairs.
They can't get back down.
You might think it's a fun prank,
and then there's a dead cow
in your third-floor walk-up.
KIDS: Oh!
- Blehh!
- [cow moos]
- [screams]
- Still think this is a fun field trip?
Tell that to ol' No-Face over there.
[gasps] Kitty!
[meow echoes]
Okay, kitty, whose voice
I can hear in my head, I'll come with you.
Broth, the cat's an illusion.
The labyrinth wants to lure you away.
[meowing]
He says his name is Branmilk.
- Broth!
- BROTH: Branmilk! Wait up for Daddy!
[doors clang]
Uhh He's gone.
[clanging]
Honestly, fuck this maze.
So are we ever gonna talk about
how we got past the smashy things?
No, we are not.
Uh say you win this contest, Patrick.
What would you spend the million bucks on?
Oh. You-you know the king
doesn't have a million dollars, right?
Sorry, what?
Yeah. The kingdom is super broke.
So you walked into this hellhole
out of a sense of duty?
Of course.
The princess needs us.
Damn. I'm impressed.
We could use more squires
like you, Patrick.
Wow. Thanks.
Wait, aren't you here
out of a sense of duty too?
I have five kids, so no,
I was absolutely doing it for the money.
Good luck saving Princess Twatsnatch.
Ah, shit!
Sergeant Meghan! No!
Sands pass, marking the hours of the
I mean, the dwindling hours of the
"Marking the dwindling hours
of your youth."
God dammit! Get off-book
or get off the stage, all right?
[retches] Oh, God, you make me sick.
I'm trying.
[Blossom retching]
I thought I was training an actor,
not a trier!
[taps stick]
Again!
- [gasps] Who dares?
- En garde!
Oh. It's just a squire.
And you're one
of those forest dwelling antiheroes.
Going to give the reward money
to the poor?
Ha. Psych. That was a fake laugh.
I'd rather set the money on fire.
But I suppose you're here
out of the goodness of your heart.
Ha. If I win, I'm going to
BOTH: commission a marble statue
of myself doing pushups
to promote my lifestyle brand, which I'll
then leverage into my own talk show
dedicated to poorly researched
health and beauty tips.
The name's Ruben.
Holden.
Well, see you around.
[clangs]
Guess I'm going your way instead.
Try to keep up, old man.
Old? [chuckles] I dare you to find
one gray pube on this body.
PATRICK:
Is that painting flirting with me?
Hmm. Nope.
I don't get art.
- [clang!]
- MULTIPLE VOICES: Welcome to the hall
of emotional destruction, Patrick.
We'll destroy you
until you destroy yourself!
[voices giggle]
CORAL:
You're a failure, Patrick.
RUBEN: Look at the sadness
and destruction you've caused.
BLARNEY:
I heard you blackmailed your king.
Technically, yes.
CORAL:
You crushed our father's dreams.
All he ever wanted was to see
a Kraken, and I blew it up.
RUBEN: You discovered
a democracy in the clouds,
and it ended in genocide.
It's true!
We killed them all.
CORAL: You murdered the one true love
of the girl you're trying to save.
Oh my god.
How long do these career highlights go on?
[trio laughing]
[Patrick groans]
[laughter continues]
Oh, no!
Damn, I'm impressed.
We could use more squires
like you, Patrick.
You're wrong, Sergeant Meghan.
You're wrong and
You're never wrong.
That blackmail?
That was to save you,
you fuckin' ingrate. Hyah!
I didn't ruin Dad's big dream.
His big dream was about to eat his ass.
Hyah!
And I didn't slaughter those Wispies.
Hyah!
I was chasing our runaway King.
Hyah! And I didn't kill Keefer.
I saved Blossom.
Keefer just happened to perform
in a fuckin' death trap
on a nightly basis.
Maybe I'm not perfect,
but I'd rather be an imperfect squire
than a successful pirate.
Or bandit. Or grifter.
So you can all fuck off!
TRIO: Noooo!
He's immune to our psychological warfare!
Whew. That was cathartic.
Who's the greatest pirate
on the big blue sea? ♪
Coral, Coral ♪
Who's the greatest captain
In the whole navy ♪
Oh shit.
Admiral Javier Killgore.
Coral the Pirate Queen.
How's your warship doing?
Well, Mrs. Rhetorical.
It fucking sank after you shot it.
Hmm.
[spurs jingling]
Ooh! I'm lost.
I did not have a good plan.
Sorry, kid. I ride alone.
But why? Whoops!
[gagging]
Ohh, that's why he rode alone.
[straining]
RUBEN:
Over to the peach tree. Hup, hup.
Whoo! Good thing I stretched.
Ooh. Peach?
Magical maze fruit?
You sure you should eat that?
What, are you scared?
Yecch!
Uggh! Oh, my God.
What the fuck is in that?
Ooop. That is not peach juice.
It's semen.
The peaches are filled with semen.
All of them.
Semen-filled peaches.
Goddamn, this maze is a freakshow.
You've, um, got some jizz on your shirt.
[sighs]
Hey now?
We having an ab-off?
Where'd you get that gorgeous scar?
A real asshole named Patrick.
I hate a guy named Patrick too.
[Holden gasps]
[romantic music playing]
Ladies first.
Aha!
[chuckles] The joke's on you.
I've got your wallet!
Damn it. I have your wallet.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, fuck!
[groaning]
Use the peach!
Use it! Use the peach!
Oh, fuck! Hah! Hah! Hah!
HOLDEN:
Oh, fuck, that feels good!
[sighs]
Well, there's no way
that bridge isn't evil.
[sword clangs]
Oh
[gasps]
Only those who are
true of heart may pass.
Really? That's it?
Not even a cover charge?
Okay, one true heart, coming through.
Waah!
[gasping]
[creatures snarling]
[gasping]
- [creatures snarling]
- Whaaa!
My heart is true, you dumb fuckin' bridge!
Right?
As I said, only those
who are true of heart may pass.
What are you talking about?
I've been shitting my pants all day
in a haunted murder maze
and there isn't even any reward.
No reward?
Isn't a knighthood what you covet most?
Saving the princess would sure help.
Oh, my God.
I only want to be a knight
to help people in need.
Oh? You're not trying to impress
your parents?
Everyone, literally everyone,
wants to impress their parents.
You say you're true of heart,
but aren't you really down here
trying to look like a big shot
in front of Sloane?
Haven't you ever heard of a win-win,
you dumbass fuckin' water wall?
Let me through.
Waaaah!
[creatures snarling]
BLOSSOM:
Five minutes, curtains up.
- Thank you five.
- Alright, let's warm up your instrument.
BOTH:
Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
- Ha ha
- BOTH: Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Ha ha ha
Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Haaaaaaaaa!
Only those who are true of heart
You made your point, dickhead.
I'm human garbage.
But how does anyone ever pass your test?
It's impossible.
[Blossom screams]
Blossom! She needs help. Please!
Look, I don't need a reward,
or glory, or anything.
I'll prove it.
Take my life instead of hers.
I'll die an anonymous pile of bones.
I don't care. I don't need credit,
no fancy statues in my honor.
She's scared and in danger
and saving her is all I care about.
And that's the truth.
It turns out your heart is true.
You may pass.
So, we have a deal?
I'm merely a gatekeeper, Patrick.
Who lives and who dies
is now in your hands.
Princess! I'm here to save you.
Showtime, baby.
You're ready.
[snorts]
Oh shit.
You've faced yourself,
but now you face the final challenge,
the invincible nightmare men call
the mighty Minotaur!
[roaring, snarling]
Oh, how embarrassing for you.
You've wet your knickers.
What? No I haven't.
Oh, well, I'll just keep going.
Soon your screams will fill the air
and your flesh shall fill my belly!
[snarling]
Now? How about now?
A little pee?
Do you want me to pee my pants?
It's not gonna happen.
Move on!
He should be drowning
in his own pee by now.
Oh my God, this is a train wreck.
Can you just stay on script?
Stop yelling at me!
Pee for me, you little shit! [roars]
[Patrick screams]
What do I do?
Think, Patrick, think.
- [Minotaur snarling]
- Yaah!
Olé, bitch!
- [thuds]
- MINOTAUR: Huh?
Uh, now what?
Don't ever lead a cow upstairs
upstairs upstairs.
Minotaurs are half bull.
That's basically a cow. I hope.
[panting]
Come and get me!
[grunting]
- [Patrick gasps]
- [Minotaur grunting]
Haaa!
[clang!]
Haaah!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
This is exactly how my cousin Ron died
in that third-floor walk-up.
[yowls, hisses]
Aw, Branmilk doesn't want to get wet.
I'll keep you dry, dude.
I get it, man, I hate baths too.
- Thanks, Broth.
- You got it, Broth.
Eh
And easy does it.
There we go.
Gently.
You fail! F-minus.
You're still holding back on me.
No, I'm not!
I am a star
[screaming]
[crash!]
[sighs, moans]
I wasn't built for stairs.
[Minotaur groans]
- [dramatic fanfare plays]
- Assassin!
That's the Assassin's insignia.
Are you working together?
[weakly] While the kingdom's heroes
rescued Blossom
who was defending the castle?
For years, I stumbled in darkness,
but now I see the light.
Yes, yes. Bring it home.
You kneel to false gods,
who sit on stolen thrones.
No longer will we live in the shadows.
All hail the one true queen.
All hail
PELT SELLER: Gimme that pelt!
[Minotaur shrieking]
- What the fuck?!
- Jesus Christ!
[groaning]
[cackling] Yes! Yes!
[cackling]
Uh um, I'll get you out of there.
Was I teaching him?
Or was he teaching me all along?
[cat cry echoing]
- [mouse squeaking]
- [cat purring]
[cat meows]
Oh. That's what you wanted.
[meows]
Ah, I mean, uh, if you say so.
Mm, mm
PATRICK: Yaah!
For his final curtain call,
he really slayed it.
[sobbing]
Bravo!
Blossom, snap out of it.
The castle is in danger.
Look, getting kidnapped
is very traumatic.
Don't judge my coping mechanism.
- [light switch clangs]
- What the?
ANNOUNCER: Attention visitors.
The Minotaur has been defeated.
The labyrinth is now closed.
Cut me loose, asshole!
ANNOUNCER: If you're still alive,
please find the nearest exit.
Thank you.
And we hope you enjoyed your visit.
I did!
[sighs] Alright, for serious.
We'll both throw them back on three.
Promise?
One, two, three.
See ya, sucker!
[gasps]
[laughing]
God dammit!
[horse whinnies]
[warriors shouting, swords clanging]
Oh no!
[dramatic soundtrack plays]
- The Assassin is here.
- [sword fighting continues]
If anyone touched my stuff,
I'm literally going to kill somebody!
Where are you going?
It's been fun,
but I have a life outside the maze.
Holden, don't do this.
Don't leave.
I I have a fiancée.
- What?
- Ruben
Just go, man. Go!
This maze will always be ours.
[sighs]
[sniffles]
[sighing]
Whew
[sniffles]
[sighing]
Those peaches were pretty gross.
CHILD: That was amazing.
[ball beeping]
[loser sound effect plays]