Cybill (1995) s01e09 Episode Script

Salad again? Seems like I've been on the starve diet for ever.
Tell me about it.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I don't feel healthy.
I just feel hungry.
You're ready for a double Beef Baby with cheese.
- Are we ever! - Beef Baby! Baby, that's beef! And cut! Working together again.
It's been 20 years.
- At least.
- I need a close-up of the bite.
Let's get five in a row.
Keep the burgers coming.
The last time was that experimental theatre company.
Oh, yeah.
The all-nude version of Death Of A Salesman.
- We were ahead of our time.
- We were stoned out of our gourd.
- Boy, those were the days, huh? - Yeah.
New York City, eight to a room, working for pennies.
Eating, sleeping, breathing the theatre, learning our craft.
And here we are 20 years later still doing what we love.
And bite! Smile harder.
Perfect! ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Sixth frame.
- Second ball.
You call it.
- Hm.
OK.
Backwards, through the legs.
Piece of cake.
- Hey, I got one! - Now I'll never catch up.
This was a great idea.
I haven't been bowling in years.
Blue-collar recreation is all the rage now.
Do you fellas have any idea how chic you've become? Oh yeah, the paparazzi have been driving us crazy.
A round of brewskis for the in crowd.
I'm looking forward to meeting your mystery boyfriend.
He's not a mystery.
Bob's your average concert bassoonist.
- Then why haven't I met him? - I wasn't sure if he was a keeper.
Call it.
Hop, skip and a jump.
Ha! Child's play.
Strike! - No fair.
It went into their lane.
- Oh, come on, give it to her.
How often do you see that? - Oh, all right.
- OK, seventh frame, Stretch.
To bowling, the only sport which encourages drunken participation.
- Don't forget hunting.
- True.
But hunters don't wear vibrantly coloured shoes.
Cybill, look.
There's Bob.
He's cute.
Loitering by the men's room at the Hollywood Bowl really paid off.
I wasn't loitering.
I was mingling.
- Bob, over here.
- Hi.
Hi.
Cybill.
Bob, this is my good and faithful friend Cybill.
- It's nice to meet you, Cybill.
- Hi, Bob.
Who am I, Tonto? Isn't she a hoot? So, how was your day? How was rehearsal? - Horrible.
I hate our new conductor.
- Oh, no.
Did the Flemish wunderkind have another tantrum? He threw his baton and nearly impaled the second violinist.
I used to throw a baton.
It had tassels and I'd catch it behind me.
I used to be a drum majorette.
I had cute boots with little frizzy things.
But that's enough about me.
Bob, why don't you bowl a few frames? You know what, I'd love to, but I can't risk spraining a finger.
Of course you can't.
He's a classical bassoonist.
Thanks for telling me.
I thought he was a heavy-metal bassoonist.
You ladies finish your game.
I'll just get a Coke.
Wait.
I'll join you.
I'm thirsty too.
When he says Coke, is the rum implied? - I don't think so.
- Oh, well.
- She dumped you, huh? - Mm-mm.
She just went to get She dumped you.
I'm not just a chic, blue-collar bowler, you know.
I'm also a keen observer of the human condition.
You have just stepped into the expendable-friend zone.
- Very astute.
- That's why I hang out with Norman.
Very little danger of losing him to a member of the opposite sex.
(Belches) I'd say virtually no danger at all.
OK, read it back.
"Dear Fidel, although you are a godless dictator, "my friend and I think you are also a real babe.
"If you'll send us a picture of yourself in a bathing suit, "we'll send you a six-pack of batteries "and a family fun-size bag of generic cheese puffs.
"Viva la revolution.
Feliz Navidad.
Your pals, Annie and Zoey.
" That's good.
I like the little smiley face in the O.
- Yeah? - OK, quick, grab the stuff.
- OK.
Now one with our shirts off.
- Cool.
Hey, girls.
Annie, you changed your hair colour.
- You look good as a redhead.
- I didn't do it to look good.
Then you've succeeded admirably.
We're gonna make Rice Krispie treats and watch a movie.
Wanna join us? - We could do that.
- Yeah.
Or we could just punch each other in the face until we pass out.
A simple "No, thank you" would be refreshing! Ah, who needs 'em? Put the tape on.
I'll whip us up a pitcher of kamikazes.
Deal.
This'll be fun.
Yoo! I haven't seen you in almost a week.
- Has it been that long? - Time flies when you're having Bob.
I haven't had him.
I'm playing hard to schtup.
- It has been a long time for you.
- Four years.
Four years? Maryann, your marriage only ended a year ago.
What's your point? Oh, no.
They gave us the wrong tape.
Smokey And The Bandit Part 3.
There's three of them? What were they thinking? Forget the movie.
We'll make Rice Krispie treats and drink kamikazes.
Sounds good.
Snap, crackle and fall down.
Ooh.
I wanted to talk to you anyway.
I'm having trouble with my agent.
- I need your advice.
- (Phone) That's me.
Hello.
Oh, hi Bob.
Where are you? Rehearsal's over already? Dinner? Now? Well, um Hold on.
- Go ahead.
- You don't mind? - Well, if you'd rather - Give me 20 minutes.
Oh, all right.
Bye-bye.
- I love you.
I'll call you later.
- Yeah, later.
(Front door closes) Bye.
I'm so glad you called.
I needed to get out of the house.
- Jason, leave your shirt alone.
- But I'm hot.
Sorry, but we don't undress at the table.
- You don't mind I brought the kids? - No, I love kids.
- Jeremy, how old are you? - I have to go to the bathroom.
- Jeremy, you just went.
- I have to go again.
No, you don't.
He just does this to get attention.
- Let's hope so.
- So, you're gonna be a grandmother.
- What's that like? - At first I was in shock.
- Where did the years go? And now - Is this blue? - Mommy's talking to Aunt Cybill.
- Is it blue? - Now I'm looking forward to it.
- Is it blue? - My daughter, we're getting closer.
- Is it? - I can imagine.
- It sounds corny.
- But there's something about new life.
- Is it? Is it? Is it? Yes, it's blue! - I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- (Whines) It's all right, sweetheart.
Aunt Cybill's just a little cranky.
OK? - Mommy, is this pink? - Jeremy, stop banging your plate.
I'm playing a song.
Really? What's it called? The Booger Butt Song.
? Booger butt, booger butt ? Booger, booger, booger butt - ? Booger butt - He's very creative.
- It's so important not to stifle them.
- Yeah, we wouldn't want 'em stifled.
Cybill, what a treat.
- Maryann, hi.
- You remember Bob.
- Of course.
Hi, Bob.
- Nice to see you again.
Maryann, Bob, this is my very old, very dear friend Patty.
- (Both) Hi.
- Hi.
- And this is Jeremy and Jason.
- (Maryann) Hi.
- Oh, lovely.
- Honey, we don't spit out our bread.
OK.
- Would you two like to join us? - Bob has to get back to rehearsals.
We only have time to eat our food once.
- Well, have a nice lunch.
- You too.
Nice to meet you, Patty, Jason Freddy.
Mommy, milk.
Milk, Mommy.
I want milk.
- Shall I bring him a glass of milk? - No, he doesn't want that kind of milk.
Oh, dear God.
Valium or Prozac? Aspirin.
Why, what have you got? Nothing.
I'm high on Bob.
Oh, please, Maryann.
I've already got a headache.
Don't make me throw up.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
If I don't kill myself, wanna get together later? I can't.
Bob's performing Beethoven's 7th tonight.
- I'm having my hair cellophaned.
- Oh.
Well, never mind.
- That's more important.
- What is wrong with you? - Why haven't you called me all week? - I've been busy.
Maryann, I know how exciting it is to be in a new relationship.
- But I feel like you've abandoned me.
- I didn't abandon you.
I hardly see you.
The second he calls, you're out the door.
- How do you think I feel? - The other night you told me to go.
Oh, please.
That was totally insincere and you know it.
I'm dating, something you encouraged me to do, and now you're unhappy? I'm not unhappy you're dating.
I want you to date.
But you don't have to give up your friends.
Oh, and after which of your multiple divorces did you become an expert on relationships? At least I don't stalk my ex-husbands.
At least my ex-husband doesn't live above my garage.
At least I'm not a bassoon groupie.
And when you're with Bob, you turn into a totally different person.
Hi, Bob.
I'm here with my faithful companion Tonto.
Isn't she a hoot? You know what I think? I think you're upset that I'm not miserable.
What are you talking about? You've got ex problems, you come to me because my ex is worse.
Bad audition, you come to me because I don't have a career.
Bad date, go see Maryann.
She never dates at all.
You are so wrong, Maryann.
All I'm trying to say is that men come and go, but I thought our friendship was something I could always count on.
Maybe men come and go for you, Cybill, but for me they just go.
And if you were really my friend, you would understand that.
Carol? This is Cybill Sheridan.
We met at the PTA meeting.
I was wondering if you'd like to go out for coffee, talk about our kids.
- I'm Zoey's mom.
- (Dial tone) Hello? Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Rachel.
What a surprise! - You asked me to come over.
- Yeah, but I'm surprised that you did.
- What's the big emergency? - Emergency? I meant video.
How about we watch a video? Bette Davis.
Now, Voyager.
- You had a fight with Maryann.
- Well, yeah.
But it's OK.
Now I have more time for my other friends, my family.
Hey! - How about a Rice Krispie treat? - I shouldn't be eating sweets.
- Just one won't hurt you.
- Maybe just a bite.
Oh, damn.
That's good.
You know what would go really well with these? Eggs Benedict.
You know, I've had so many strange food cravings lately.
- Did you have cravings? - Yeah, to be single and live in Paris.
Beef jerky and cream cheese, believe me, is incredible.
Ever try pickles and tapioca? - Kevin doesn't understand at all.
- You know how men are.
He didn't have to go to San Francisco.
He just wanted to get away from me.
- I don't think so.
- Fine, take his side, Mom.
- I'm just trying to - Let me tell you about your son-in-law.
I begged him to get the queen-size bed.
Begged him.
Told him, the room's too small.
And it's much more intimate.
But oh, no.
Had to have a king-size, which I have to climb across to get to the closet.
Oh, honey.
It's getting late.
Hadn't you better head home? It's not like Kevin's gonna call.
My feet hurt, Mom.
Why don't I stay? We can gab, and you can make me breakfast.
With what? The only thing you left is a jar of olives.
Ooh, olives! Zoey, explain to me again why we're here.
My mother had a fight with her best friend and we're keeping her company.
- You are a good daughter.
- It isn't easy.
It's OK, Annie.
No laboratory animals were harmed in the making of your pasta.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
The two of you look very sophisticated.
Yes.
You said that.
They're wigs, right? - Why are you obsessed with our hair? - I'm not.
I'm just interested.
Annie, how come you're not eating? The noodles touched the broccoli.
- So? - Are you trying to embarrass me? - What'd I say? - How is everything? It's fine.
Thank you.
I've got an idea.
How about we all go bowling? What is wrong with you?! You were way outta line.
Game show, four letters.
Let's make a blank.
Hm.
Duck.
Let's make a duck.
(Sighs) (Phone) - Hello? - Cybill, it's Maryann.
- Maryann who? - Your deeply repentant friend.
- I'm listening.
- OK.
I know I've blown you off once or twice for Bob.
- Maryann.
- OK, 11 times.
I was worried if I wasn't always there, he'd find somebody else.
Well, if he did, it'd be his loss.
Thank you.
But what worries me more is the thought of losing you.
Oh, honey, you're never gonna lose me.
You're never gonna lose me, either.
And you know what? You're right.
I do change around Bob.
I become conservative, demure, boring.
Tonight I decided to be myself and do something I wanted to do.
You got hammered and went for pedicures? No, we got hammered and I took him panhandling on Venice Beach.
- You what? - It was wonderful.
We picked an attractive corner, he played Mr Bojangles on the bassoon while I danced a lick, we had a great time, made close to six dollars and he still likes me.
- I told you.
- I know.
You were right.
By the way, since I already have you on the phone, - I could use a little advice.
- Anything.
Bob and I are at the point where our relationship is going to become sexual.
Really? Are you sure? Well, uh I'm sitting in my closet in a black negligee and he's naked in my bed, so, yes, I'm reasonably sure.
OK, I understand the negligee part and the naked bassoonist.
I'm unclear on the sitting in your closet part.
It's been a long time, Cybill.
What if I've forgotten how? Maryann, you can't forget.
It's like riding a bicycle.
I'm gonna fall off Bob into a hedge? - Come on, Maryann.
- Oh, Cyb, am I doing the right thing? - Do you like him? - Yes.
- Do you wanna have sex with him? - God, yes.
- Are you prepared? - I could take on the Boston Pops.
Then you're doing the right thing.
Have fun.
Thank you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Great.
Hello? Is there somebody else on this line? Oh, hi, Bob.
It's Cybill.
Uh, I was just talking to Maryann.
No, we were just catching up.
She'll be right with you.
Oh, good.
She's with you.
Great, well, I'll just say goodbye, then.
Bob, you didn't hang up.
Bob? Ooh, Maryann, go.
(Bob) Maryann, wait a minute.
Slow down.
One, two three Oh, God.
Am I facing the right way? - No hints.
- Oh, boy.
OK.
- Did I hit anything? - You clipped the old guy on lane two.
- Ooh.
- Lady, are you nuts?! Sorry! How many points do I get for that? Hard to say.
It's not like you knocked him down.
Does Bob mind that I'm stealing you away tonight? If he does, that's too bad.
Tonight's my night with my best pal.
- Thanks, Maryann.
- Excuse me.
I've been pacing back and forth thinking of witty things to say.
But they all sounded hokey and insincere.
So, would you like to have a coffee with me and just talk? Oh, that's sweet, but I'm with my friend tonight.
OK.
Sorry to bother you.
I'm very impressed.
Thank you.
Nothing to thank me for.
I practise what I preach.
You're up.
OK! Give me your best shot.
- Let's see.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
I have to leave now.
Could I get my 20 bucks? Ssh! I wanted to make a point.
I didn't wanna wait.
- Call it.
- Normal.
Normal? Ooh, kinky.
(Screams)