Dads s01e09 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Edna do you know, uh, where my receipts are? ÿQue? Receipts.
The little slips of paper you get when you buy things in a store? ÿQue? Receipts.
You know, you need 'em for when you file your taxes.
Taxes Yeah.
You funny, Mr.
Eli.
Taxes Dad, what were you doing in there? Short-track speed-skating.
What do you think I was doing? Hey where did you get that? From one of those boxes upstairs.
Don't worry, you got tons of these.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is Freedom League number 21.
Ooh, it is? Yes.
This is the first team-up between the Golden Age Freedom League and the Silver Age Freedom Society of Earth Beta.
Do you have any idea how much this is worth? Four years of high school virginity.
Dad, you cannot bring my comic books into the bathroom, okay? They mean a lot to me.
More than I mean to you? Look, the point is, if you're going to live here, you have to respect my things.
Well, you've got to respect my things, buddy.
Buddy? I blanked on your name for a minute.
Sorry, Chief.
 Daddy took me to the zoo  Na, na, na, na   Just to see something brand-new   Na, na, na   So many stars up in the sky  So many questions have I  Na, na, na, na   Daddy took me for a ride.
Um, Warner, I'm not sure about some of these write-offs.
Uh, what's this receipt for a $600 suit? That was, uh, a business meeting with a potential investor.
Did he invest? No, but he, uh he said "nice suit.
" Well, why would a suit for you cost that much? You have the body of a Price is Right microphone.
I'm not that skinny.
Oh, come on, son.
You were so skinny your mother didn't know she was in labor.
She just got up off the couch and there you were.
Thank God for plastic slipcovers.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I had to get all my comics out of my apartment and put 'em in a storage unit.
Why would you do that? I caught my dad coming out of the bathroom reading Freedom League 21.
Wait, that's the first crossover between the Silver Age Freedom League and the Golden Age Freedom Society Golden Age Freedom Society, yeah.
You had to get them out of there.
Of course.
You know who'd love working here is a schoolyard bully.
I love those comics.
Yeah.
What I would do to that collection if I got my hands on it Hey, hey, easy.
The first hour, I'd spread it out and just stare at it like a psychopath.
And then I'd slowly start reading it and reading it, and I'd read it harder front to back, back to front up against a wall.
No way.
You'd-you'd read it in two minutes, apologize, and just fall asleep.
You're right.
He used to fall asleep on the couch with his comics while his mother and I watched The Cosby Show.
You and your wife watch a lot of TV together? Yeah, she told me she was leaving me while the Huxtables flushed Rudy's goldfish down the toilet.
Hey, Warner, you had a comic book collection, too? Yeah, I had I had quite the collection.
I had 3,752.
What happened to it? My dad sold it.
No.
I swapped them.
Remember, those Indians gave us all those blankets? We got so sick? I tried to go back to the trading post to reverse the deal, and it was nothing but an empty parking lot and nobody had any idea what I was talking about.
Of course, at that point, I was living on Reggie bars and angel dust.
The kids are asleep.
Oh, thanks, honey.
What are you wearing? Oh, I thought I'd just slip into something a little more comfortable.
Those are my pants.
Read the label.
"Abigail Landress.
" The zipper's on the hip, there, buddy.
Just like 007.
Okay, well, why don't you just take your jeans out of the laundry basket and we'll never speak of this again.
Yep.
Whoa.
Camila, introduce me to your friend.
Oh Hi, son.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm just a sucker for a Landress backside.
Here, these are for you.
What do you got there? Well, take a look.
Oh, my God, Dad, these are filled with comics.
Mm-hmm.
Look at this.
X- Men Yep.
Superman The head cheese.
Batman and Robin Top and bottom.
Okay, now you're starting to suck all the fun out of it.
Oh, that's a job for Robin.
Yeah, I just felt so bad that I swapped your comics with those people who might be ghosts, and, uh I decided to get you some new ones.
Dad this is amazing! Thank you.
Wh-Where did you get these? I computered 'em.
Turns out there is this guy named Craig who has this list of all sorts of stuff that he sells.
From comics to to old furniture, to cars Yeah.
And I think he may be some kind of pimp.
$4,000 for a home security system? That's totally a write-off.
I have all kinds of valuable company assets at home.
Like what? Like me.
Yeah, ever since he saw Taken, he's been worried someone's gonna drag him out from under his bed and sell him into sexual slavery.
Ever since I saw Taken 2, I've been worried that it was gonna happen again.
So, are you loving your comics? Oh, my God, they're so good.
Yeah.
I mean, I can't wait to show you.
I- I they're as good as yours.
Okay, come on.
I mean slow down there, Tex.
What? Your dad buys some cheapo collection off the Internet and it's as good as mine? Come on.
That is some pretty bold talk, there, fella.
Oh, it's not just talk, partner.
Oh! Oh, is that right? Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'll tell you what you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
Wow, this is what it must've been like in the Old Gay West.
So we get all my X-Men from the '70s, and I'll get all my Fantastic Fours Ugh, storage units creep me out.
Why? Our whole family lived in one till I was four.
Well, as long as you were happy.
I wasn't.
Gosh, I'm so glad I don't come from other places.
My comics are gone! Quiet down! Yeah! People trying to sleep! Now were you storing anything else besides your cartoons? Uh, they're comic books.
What did I say? Oh, you called them cartoons.
God! I hope they don't take my badge away for that.
How about you, miss? Are you his No.
Good for you.
Now, aside from your cartoons, you say you're missing several Star Trek lasers? Uh phasers.
What's the difference? Well, a laser is a focused beam of light, whereas a phaser is a directed-energy weapon.
Mm-hmm.
Well, are you gonna get a forensics team down here and fingerprint everything and then get some DNA samples? Oh, sure.
The Bones lady is on her way over.
It sounds like you're being sarcastic.
Not at all.
Well, great.
Good.
How so how long until you track down these criminals? Well, once we get the Bat-Signal in the sky, things move along pretty quickly.
See, that sounds like you're being sarcastic again.
But it's not.
This is all your fault! Is it me or does he say that every time he walks in here? Don't talk to me like we friends.
All of my comics are gone! All of them are gone! Stolen from the storage unit that I had to put them in to keep them from you! Well, like I always say, never put anything anywhere.
Dad, those comics were the one happy memory I had from childhood.
But you had to move in here and make sure that even that was ruined, too.
Ask Elizabeth Smart about her childhood.
See what she says.
Mijo I bring for you because you lose your Mickey Mice books.
Is Xbox of Mexico.
So they were just gone? Mm-hmm.
God, Eli must be crushed.
Yeah.
He cried.
He did? Yeah.
The first two minutes were kind of cute, Then he got that snot bubble thing Oh, my God, Eli.
I- I can't believe it.
How are you dealing? I'm day to day.
You know, I never really cared about crime until it happened to me.
Well, you-you know, you're welcome to read my comics until they find yours.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Okay.
Wow, you got a lot.
Yeah.
That's a big box.
Oh.
This is pretty good.
Yeah.
Oh, I had this one.
And this one.
And this one and this one and this one.
Warner I think these might be my comics.
Wait, wait.
My dad snuck into your storage space and stole your comics? I don't He can't even get through a revolving door without help from somebody.
Dad Yeah? what was the name of the guy you bought these from online? Oh, that was SlobberSausageNine@ lipsmacking.
gov Yeah, he had those in his trunk, along with cartons of cigarettes and sneakers.
In fact, he sold me these.
Adidos.
Maybe they do belong to you.
Thank you.
Okay, if you are 100% sure that these are yours I- I can't take them.
I mean, they're Well, I mean, I'm not 100%.
They're in a different box and they're out of order, so Well, I can't take them if you're pretty sure they're yours, so Oh, well I'm not No, no, no, you don't.
This is Jenna Lacy all over again.
Jenna Lacy? What does she have to do with this? Oh, you don't remember? Well, I wanted to ask her out, but I thought that you might like her, and so I said, "Hey, dude, are you gonna ask her out?" And you were like, "No, I don't even like her.
" And so I asked her out, and it turned out you did like her, and then you were all, like, "Hey, I liked her.
Why you asking her out?" Okay, I'm not gonna take 'em.
Just take 'em.
No, no, I'm not gonna take 'em.
No, I'm not gonna take 'em.
Look, Warner, we've been friends for 25 years.
I want you to have them.
No, I can't do that.
I'm not gonna take 'em.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
No, don't.
No.
Take it.
Take it.
Take these.
Take these.
I hope you didn't handle Jenna Lacy's box that way.
I'll take 'em.
If it'll make you happy, I'll take 'em.
I have those pants.
I can't believe he took them.
Well, he did offer them to you.
Like I always say, always take everything.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't learn the difference between right and wrong from you.
Oh, yeah? Who'd you learn it from, Superman? Yes.
And Batman.
And Wonder Woman.
And Aquaman taught me how to swim, which is why I cannot swim.
You can't swim? Boy, your mother really dropped the ball on that one.
Well, she was busy working because you weren't around! God! At least my comic books were there for me! At least I could swim! What? Okay, I'm a bad father And so he had to fill the void I left in his life with comic books? What am I supposed to do about it? Go to Warner's and steal them back? Well, if you'd shut up for five seconds, we could get out of here.
Oh, boy, Warner's got some fancy security system.
It's okay, I have password.
Is a good night to die.
Edna, we're just getting the comic books.
We see how it goes.
Psst! What are you doing?! Sorry.
Habit! Edna, let's go upstairs.
All right, we got 'em.
Let's go.
He has more.
All right, all right.
Uh! You do it wrong! Estúpido, move! Andale! Mama Buenas noches, niño.
Crawford? Anyone down here? Whew! Got it.
Okay, so walk me through the sequence of events again.
Okay, I heard a noise, I noticed my comics were gone, I ran downstairs.
It smelled really bad right here.
I ran outside and noticed that the security system's wires were cut.
Hey.
Hey.
I got your message.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I know you.
I threw your file away yesterday.
I can't believe somebody broke in here and stole my comics.
Well, okay, I don't-I don't mean to be awkward, but-but you gave 'em to me.
They're-They're my comics.
Well, I mean, you took them, yes, but I think we both know that they are still mine.
Wait a minute.
I think I'm starting to figure this out.
My comics were the only thing that were missing, and you are the only person that knew they were here.
You stole my comics.
You stole my comics! Thief! Arrest him! No, you are the one that purchased stolen goods.
So arrest him! I don't know.
He asked first.
That's usually how I decide who to arrest.
I bet if we go over to your apartment right now, you'll see the comics right there.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
How about that? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's great.
Be my guest.
Okay.
Aa! Here we go.
Uh! You know, uh that Morgan Freeman is really terrific, isn't he? I swear to God, I have no idea how these got here.
Wait, wait, wait.
He-He-He didn't steal this nonsense.
We did.
What? You two care to explain yourselves? She farted! Honey, that-that was you on the landing? I, just, I never farted in front of you before because I just wanted you to keep thinking I was perfect.
Well, that's over.
I'm sorry.
I, I never realized how much you sacrifice for me.
Don't squeeze her too hard.
Now that the Farty Boys have solved the case of the mysterious smell, can we get back to the matter at hand? Whose comics are these? All right, they're his.
They're ours.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
Officer, I'm not gonna press charges.
That was never an option for you.
Dad, you stole these for me.
I don't know what to say.
I do.
I didn't realize these ridiculous men in tights meant so much to you.
I can see now why you looked to them for some kind of support.
So now that I'm here, maybe you'll think differently.
I'm sorry, son.
Uh, it's, like, the first time I've heard you call me "son".
You blanked on my name again, didn't you? Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Ma'am, stop right there.
I'm gonna walk ahead of you.
WGBH access.
wgbh.
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