Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Hey, Danno.
What're you doin'? Hey, Fern.
Just having dinner.
By your lonesome? Yeah.
I like to do that sometimes.
Read a book, you know.
Nice.
Sorry I didn't see you, buddy, but I just finished on the other-- Okay, take it easy.
Was that Fern? Yeah.
That was close, we almost got caught.
Hey, Tiger.
Good thing you brought the car around.
We almost got caught.
I'm glad we didn't get caught last night.
If Jeff knew we were doing this, he'd make my life miserable.
Oh, I hear you.
People finding out that we're dating is the last thing I need.
Right, exactly.
Because I'm running against your aunt, and she'd fire you or something.
Well, to be fair, she wouldn't fire me.
She'd tease me a bit.
Tease me a lot, actually.
Her and all the other people at work.
But mainly, she'd tell Jeff.
And that would make your life more difficult.
Yeah.
I guess.
I thought you liked this.
Sneaking around.
Forbidden romance.
Well, I don't like thinking you're embarrassed by me.
I'm ashamed.
Because what we're doing is wrong.
Yeah, it is pretty bad, isn't it? No we can't start that up, people are looking.
Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.
There's no reason we can't keep things friendly.
You look good.
I feel like my life has no purpose.
I'm kind of floating.
Well.
You look good.
We haven't really talked about this, but at some point I'm going to have to actually move out of the house.
Permanently.
That's true.
Okay, I'm going to lay this on the table: If we're really over, it's not just me moving out of the house.
You're also going to have to say goodbye to my stuff.
That sounds reasonable.
Are you ready for that? That means my TV, my stereo, the treadmill.
We have a treadmill? It's in the basement.
I don't think we have a treadmill.
Well, get used to that feeling, because you're going to be right.
Do I ever do things that embarrass you? Ha-ha.
Good one! Oh.
Um, yeah.
Sometimes.
Only when other people are around.
Thanks for your candour.
All right, I gotta head to City Hall.
What's going on? We got the debate coming up, and I have to go to the meeting to find out the format.
(Laughing) What? You're going to let the other candidates tell you the format of the debate? What's wrong with that? In a real campaign, you negotiate the terms of the debate, so you can present your candidate at his best.
Challenging as that may be.
Right.
That's what I was-- You were going to let them walk all over you.
Yeah, I was.
She's right.
We can't let them push us around.
You're too nice.
I'm not all good.
I can be a real bastard.
All right.
That's what we need.
You gotta get in that meeting and fight the good fight.
You're too busy to do it, right? You're the man.
Yeah.
My placemats.
They're gone, okay? My DVD rack.
My Rock Band 2 Beatles expansion kit.
I don't even know what that is.
It's the thing in the basement you keep tripping over.
It's by the treadmill.
Fine.
Or, we sit down, we order some food, we talk it through.
Mistakes were made in our relationship.
And not just by you.
How's Thursday? To meet and talk it through? To pick up your junk.
I'll be out all night.
Okay.
I'll come by pick up my stuff Thursday.
Oh, God, what was I thinking? I screwed up.
I thought I'd play it tough, and she'd come back to me.
It's all gone wrong! What happened? I went to Claire, and I laid down an ultimatum.
I mean, I wanted to fix the relationship.
I even lied and said I made some mistakes too.
Yeah.
You know, if you got your own place, you-- What am I going to do? I don't want to end up alone, living in some dump.
No offence.
I'm not alone.
I've got a girlfriend.
She doesn't want to be seen with me.
Now that I've said it out loud, it's kind of depressing.
Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Yes.
Can we start? I have to get to the store.
It's dishwasher season.
There's a dishwasher season? Yes.
The time of year when you sell the most dishwashers.
And that's in the fall? No, it's just whenever you happen to sell a lot of dishwashers.
Okay, right off the bat, I want you to know, I am not going to let you walk all over me.
Hello, Jeff.
I know when I'm being played.
So play at your own risk, ladies.
Gotcha.
So let's get started.
How long do we need for opening comments? Two minutes? That sounds fine.
Oh, no.
Two minutes? I don't think so.
Not two.
How many minutes would you like? Nice try.
I'm not showing my hand that early.
But if you don't tell us what you want, how are we supposed to continue? Two minutes sounds fine.
Right.
Next But what you don't know is I would have settled for that all along.
Without going through all this.
So I'm wearing you down.
I'm a bit of a bastard, ladies.
Yes, you are.
You should come with me.
Where are we going? Well, I have to pack up the remnants of my life with Claire.
But you should be there, to help me emotionally.
Because, you know, she already put you through the wringer.
Plus, you look like a good lifter.
You want me to help you move? It's Thursday.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, man.
Oh, wait.
Thursday's no good.
I'm supposed to be in this debate.
Oh.
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
Some things aren't meant to be.
My life with Claire, the kids we'll never have.
You looking for your own apartment.
I'm sorry, it's a deal breaker.
You can't push me past this point.
I am not having Thai food for lunch.
Pick whatever you want.
This is taking forever.
I know, I'm hungry.
No, I mean, the entire negotiation.
I know.
And lunch.
You guys still here? We haven't even eaten yet.
Well, the Octoberfest committee has to get in here.
We're talking about changing the month.
Jeff's stalling the negotiations.
I was afraid of that.
Who's Jeff? Dan's representative.
Dan is holding up the debate? Is Dan even in the debate? Of course.
Dan's a candidate.
He needs to be in the debate.
JEFF: Are these all the menus? Because I'm not seeing a lot of fish.
I don't like fish, but I want to see all the options.
Okay, ladies? I'm sorry I got us kicked out of the debate.
I knew we should've sent Charlie.
How can I win this election if I'm not in the debate? I know, I'm sorry.
It's her fault.
Me? If you'd just let them walk all over me, we'd be in the debate.
Well, maybe you shouldn't take advice from people who don't care about what happens to you.
That's good advice.
I gotta get in this debate.
Let me try to fix this.
I'll get another meeting, eat a little crow, and get you back into this thing.
What do you think we should do? Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
I'm heading over to the TV station with Anita to check out the studio for the debate.
Good, because I have something I want to ask you, and please be honest, what sounds better? "Novemberfest.
" Okay.
Or "Septemberfest"? They're both good.
I know.
Not to take away from this important decision, but now that Dan is out of the debate, we have to focus on Anita.
I agree.
How can we get her out of the debate too? No, I meant we have to come up with a strategy, identify key issues-- I don't know, Claire.
I prefer getting rid of Anita.
I think I have a better chance of winning if I'm the only one in the debate.
It plays more to my strengths.
Okay, but I do think we should come up with a plan in case you do have to debate another person.
I got it! What? Augustfest.
Take it right out of fall completely.
What about Anita? Anitafest? No, Claire.
It has to be a month, or it doesn't work.
Dan.
Hey.
What's up? My aunt's going to be back any minute.
Yeah.
Uh, listen.
If it wasn't for your aunt and Jeff, I mean, you wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me, would you? Why would I be embarrassed? I don't care what other people think.
Here, hold this toaster so we've got an excuse to be talking.
Oh, sure.
Do you think--? If anyone asks, it's got a broken element.
Fine.
I mean, I guess you wouldn't know it's got a broken element, so just act like you haven't had toast in awhile.
I think we should tell people we're going out.
Oh.
I mean, I just want to be on the record.
Not that I'm trying to make us a big serious thing.
I just want to be openly having a not-big-serious thing, together.
Okay.
Really? You're all right with that? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I told you, I like you, Dan.
Oh, careful.
Someone could walk in any minute.
So? It's all out in the open.
We can kiss all we want.
Yes, we can.
Can I have the toaster back? Yeah, sure.
It's a good one.
Yeah.
We're really happy with all the support you've given us.
Well, we don't get to drag out our podiums very often.
Let me tell you, our podium guy is pretty excited.
Well, we won't need all three.
Huh? It'll just be her and Alan.
What about the other guy? The little bartender guy.
Dan Phillips.
Well, he's not a serious candidate, so he won't be taking part.
But without him, won't it just be kind of a debate? (Laughing) Isn't that what it's supposed to be? Look, guys, this is Wessex 10.
Our audience likes to see the little bartender guy doing crazy things.
I'm not going to dump How to Oil Paint for just a bunch of people talking.
No Dan, no debate.
Oh, you're both here.
That's great.
I was hoping we could talk about the debate.
Yes.
Actually-- We were just kicking it around, and we think it would be better if Dan took part.
Oh.
Great.
For civic democracy.
Yes, for democracy.
Okay, look.
I know I screwed up.
We want to make this work.
What are your conditions? Conditions? I mean, do you want to see his comments ahead of time? He can have less time to speak than everyone else.
What's it going to take? Well, uh That would be acceptable.
I just really appreciate you showing some flexibility here.
I know you don't have to do this.
That's right.
We sure don't.
No one is making us.
Do you have any other demands? Do you need more time to think of demands? What do we do here, folks? I got big news.
I'm going out with Brianna.
You know Brianna.
Well, we're going out.
It's not a big thing, but it's a thing, and it's not a secret.
Can I get a beer? Yeah, sure.
What? I'm a little confused, Dan.
Is it true, what I heard? I tell you I need your support, you tell me you can't because you're in this debate.
Then I find out you're not even in it.
No, wait, that's not a thing.
It's a thing to me, Dan.
I cancelled a moving van.
How do you think that makes me feel? Ah, see, I was supposed to be in the debate, but I got kicked out.
Claire kicked me out.
Really? Yeah.
No-- No warning.
Wow.
Yeah.
You must be hurting.
Not really.
I mean, yeah, it's rough, you know.
My life's in crumbles.
I'm sorry I went off on you like that.
Ah, it's-- We gotta stick together.
Chicks, huh? Sometimes I just think they're not worth it.
We don't really need 'em, do we, Dan? I can help you move your boxes if you want.
Great! We'll get through this, brother.
Maybe you should phone the van place? There'll be time.
Oh, there you are.
Is there going to be a talent portion to this debate? I don't think they do that in debates.
You're thinking of beauty contests.
I believe they're called "pageants" nowadays, Claire.
Anyway, I just wanted to update you.
Dan is back in the debate.
I thought we decided he wouldn't be.
The station wants him, so he's back in.
Oh, well.
In case it comes up, I let Jeff think it was our idea.
I didn't mention the whole station thing to him.
I like it, Claire.
So you let Dan and Jeff think that we were doing them a favour.
Nice.
That's exactly what I would have done.
I know.
You're going out with Dan? Yes.
But I kept it a secret.
Why? Obviously, she was embarrassed.
No.
I mean, I know you guys made fun of me before, but I just took it as good-natured teasing.
Oh.
It wasn't.
Sorry if that came across as good natured.
We really think he's wrong for you.
You're making a big mistake.
But it's your life to waste, honey.
Yeah.
That kind of teasing.
Bit of a status update on the move.
You've got me jumping through some hoops saying it's gotta be Thursday night.
No problem, got some boxes, Thursday is on.
Okay.
That's good.
It's all kinds of good.
Oh by the way, guess who's helping me move? Dan.
Oh.
That's right.
It's the Dan and Mike combo.
He's my buddy.
We're going to do it together.
You can't keep us down, Claire.
But Dan can't help you.
He's in the debate Thursday night.
Oh, no.
No, he's not.
Yes, He is, Mike.
Don't.
You-- No.
What? Don't-- Thursday? Hey.
I have news.
Yeah, me too.
Go ahead, go first.
All right.
I'm dating Brianna.
I was all along.
Oh.
I was keeping it a secret.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
But now it's all out in the open.
We're dating.
It wasn't a big thing.
But it was a thing.
Openly.
Oh.
So, what do you say? I say "oh.
" Oh.
Well, what's your news? We're back in the debate.
Oh.
If you're thinking it was a big secret, and I was lying to you, it's not.
I just found out.
I'm a little confused, Dan.
I'm sorry about the debate thing.
No dis intended.
It's not you.
I started something I never should have.
I don't even want to move my stuff out of the house.
Well, I'm your moving buddy.
You can't move without your moving buddy, right? Yeah.
So, you get her to reschedule, and that buys you time to work something out, or, you know, find your own place.
Hey.
That's a good idea, Dan.
I think I'm getting a cold.
Ah, who cares? We've been sharing that drinking glass by the sink anyway, right? You're using that? Come here.
The podiums look good.
Do you like 'em? We put a lot of effort into that.
They're nice.
Does he like 'em? That's our podium guy.
Oh.
Yeah, we're glad Dan's back in the debate.
We love Dan.
Always doing crazy stuff.
Oh, no.
We promise to keep it serious.
Why? People like the crazy stuff.
That's why we told those others they had to let you in.
You told them to let us in? Yeah.
I said, "Dan's in or there's no debate.
" Thank God it didn't come to that.
Would have crushed our podium guy.
Interesting.
Do you want me to show him the alternate podiums, or? We decided this at the meeting! You're dropping out? I know the score.
No us, no debate, right? Are you sure, Jeff? Someone spent a lot of time on those podiums.
The city will get its debate, when you meet our conditions.
What are your conditions? Um, well, I have to think of something.
Would you like me to think of some conditions for you? If you could, that'd be great, thanks.
Sorry.
What were you saying? Oh, we're going to have to reschedule.
Can't do the move without my moving buddy.
And Dan's not available because of the debate thing, so-- Actually, Dan's not in the debate.
What? In fact, there is no debate.
There is no debate? You-- But-- No.
What? It's nice to be able to hold hands in public.
Yeah.
Do you use any kind of hand cream, or--? No.
That's interesting.
So you two are an item now.
Yeah, yeah.
We kept it a secret.
It wasn't a thing, but it was a secret.
And now it's not a secret, and, you know, slightly a thing.
(Laughing) And for a date, he takes you to Fern's? You are really getting to see the world.
I get the staff discount.
Can I have my hand back for a sec? It's itchy.
Sure.
Thanks.
You got a mosquito bite or something? Nah, it's just itchy.
Vinegar's good for mosquito bites.
Oh.
We're out of the debate again! What? Oh, hey.
You guys are on a date.
That's right.
Sorry, Jeff, but that's the way it is.
If I gave the impression you guys had to sneak around before, I'm sorry.
I'm glad you guys are happy.
Oh.
Hey, uh, what was the thing you said about the debate? Oh, it's great.
Remember how we wanted to be in the debate? Well, I pulled us out! What? I'm a little confused, Dan.
It's fine to have me as a friend when you need someone to crash at your place, but when it's time to return the favour What? You're not even in the debate.
It's a lame excuse, that worked three or four times.
Dan only just found out that he's not in the debate.
Oh, really? Yeah.
It's very simple.
I was in the debate, I told Jeff to go hardcore, then I was kicked out.
Then they asked us back in, but now we're out.
Why? I don't know.
The station likes that we're crazy, so Claire's gonna meet some demands that I haven't come up with yet.
See? And we're going out now.
Simple.
Why you doing this to me, man? (Playing tune) Playing the flute? Ah, you know your instruments.
Yeah.
It's a flute.
Um, bad news.
It looks like the debate is off.
What happened? It's a thing at the station.
Once Dan's camp found out we misled them, they pulled out.
Oh, that's my bad.
I told you to mislead them, didn't I? No, I'd already done that.
Okay, your fault.
Anyway, no Dan, no debate.
Which is sad.
People just want to see Dan embarrass himself.
But I was going to play flute.
Yeah.
A lot of embarrassment to go around.
Sorry to call you in here.
I'm a bit of a bastard.
It's fine.
As you know, there's no debate unless you agree to our demands.
Which I had to come up with, since Claire didn't send any.
Can we get on with it? Right.
Dishwasher season.
No, that ended yesterday.
This is the lull between dishwasher season and freezer week.
Just tell us what you want.
Here's the way it's going to be.
Dan will go third.
Two minutes opening statements, five questions from the moderator.
Isn't that exactly where we started, like, a week ago? Maybe so.
But that's the way it's gonna be, ladies.
You have a lot of empty beer bottles.
I know.
Do you have a bag or something? I can clear them out.
Was it more fun when we were sneaking around? Yes.
Yeah, it was more fun.
It's not that I don't like you.
No.
I don't not like you, either.
But maybe Yeah.
We should call it quits.
Yeah.
Do you think we should keep it a secret that we broke up? I don't see how that would help anything.
Ah.
You can still clean up if you want.
That's okay.