Death Valley (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

.
- Nice building.
- Mm-hmm.
Where? Where's the zombie? Uh, he ran onto the elevator, so I stopped it between floors.
- Good stuff.
How long ago? - About, like, half an hour ago.
Yeah, sorry.
Bad traffic on the 101.
Isn't rush hour going the other way? Are you being a smart-ass right now? Oh, no.
Was there anybody else on the elevator? - Probably.
- All right.
So just so you're prepared, whoever else is in there could be a zombie by now.
- Okay.
- Could you not shoot people and get all sorts of blood and guts on the floor, okay? Yeah, we'll try our best to do that.
Now move.
Okay, it's just it's a really nice building with really nice clients, okay? And I don't want to get any complaints from people.
I taped off the lobby and everything.
I see that.
It looks good.
Now move out the way.
Look, I just really need this job.
Yep, got it.
- Oh, God.
Okay.
- Move.
Apologies! That's how you bust zombies.
Oh, my God, I am so fired.
It's all right, people, just - Sorry.
- Walk this way.
Remember the Hawaiian luau tonight at the roof.
One year ago Vampire, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
all this nasty business gets so rotten I think it's time to put this party in the ground oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we're losing all control the buildings all turn to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us Okay, people, good work last night.
I know it was a long one, but this monster problem is getting worse and worse.
These zombies are multiplying faster than Kardashians.
- Ha! - Thank you, officer Landry, and welcome back from your vacation.
- Training seminar, Captain.
- I know what it was, Landry.
Stubeck, Pierce, what happened to you guys somebody hide your civies while you were in the shower again? Actually, it's take your daughter to school day at my daughter's kindergarten class.
What's your excuse, Pierce? I'm gonna try and bang his kid's teacher.
- Ugh.
- What? You said she was hot.
I did not.
That is a gross misrepresentation emphasis on "gross.
" - Uh, I'm afraid you did, pal.
- Mm-mm.
- Did not.
- Said she was hot.
I said, "some of the other fathers find her attractive.
" Is she or is she not hot? I said, "some of the fathers at school seem to find her attractive.
" Okay, thanks so much for sharing.
Now, the rest of you try to get some shut-eye.
I know that's not an easy thing to do at 8:00 A.
M.
Dismissed.
So I figure I'll start out by introducing myself.
"Hi, I'm officer Joe Stubeck, Lucille's father.
" How's that sound? That sounds natural.
And then do you want me to introduce you, or do you want to introduce yourself? Let me ask you a question.
So, if you run out of boxers, do you go no boxers, or do you get old boxers from the hamper? You know, honestly, I feel like that's got to be the 400th time you've asked me that exact same question.
Worst-case scenario, you got front, back, inside, outside.
That's what I was looking for.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So, when we get in there, I'm gonna introduce them.
I'll introduce you, and then Stu, are you nervous? - I'm not.
- Oh, my God, you're nervous.
Mm-mm.
What do you got to be nervous about, man? You kill bloodthirsty monsters for a living, and now you're telling me you're nervous about a couple little ten-year-olds? They're five.
Do you know anything about kindergarten - Or my kids? - What's to know, man? You'll go in, all right? You'll do your little spiel.
The kids will be picking their noses.
We'll get out of there, and it'll be awesome.
You know, you don't have to come at all.
Well, maybe I won't, all right? You're lucky I'm even in this car.
I'm feeling kind of tired, and now you're telling me the teacher's not even hot.
What are you talking about? She's hot.
- Busted.
- No, that's not what I meant.
I'm not attracted to women other than my wife.
- She's hot.
- Some of the other fathers seem to find her attractive.
I was impressed with you tonight, partner.
You really did some good stuff back there.
- Thanks, John-John.
- Yeah.
So You want to go get some, uh some pancakes or some fish sticks? Pancakes or fish sticks? How does your mind even put those two things together? Do you want to go get something to eat or not? - Sure.
- Cool.
Oh, can I call my girlfriend and invite her? She was planning on having breakfast with me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't see why not.
- Cool.
- Now, wait.
When you say "girlfriend", do you mean a girl who's a friend, or do you mean, like, a-a boyfriend? Instead you replaced the "boy" with - I'm gay, John-John.
- Right.
Well That explains some now, doesn't it? Ah! Hey, officer.
Rico.
Or do you still want me to call you Amber? Did you really think I wouldn't find out.
It isn't what you're thinking.
I think it's exactly what I'm thinking.
I get it.
You're just doing your job.
No, not even.
I was just freakin' babysitting my boss' niece.
That's the only reason that I met you in the first place.
His niece? You know, it's really too bad you're a cop, you know? We really could've had something special.
Good-bye, officer Landry.
Got to keep you nice and shiny and dust-free.
dust-free and shiny as can be - Captain, um, I - Landry You're in my gun house now.
These guns they're like my children.
- Captain - I love them differently some not as much as others, but I don't tell them that.
Captain, I haven't told you everything about your niece.
- Is she pregnant? - No, no, no.
God, no, not that I know of.
She's not a cyberbully, is she? I read up on cyberbullies.
I don't like them one bit.
Captain, you know those parties Natalie was talking about GB/GB and all that stuff? - Yeah? - Well, they're vampire parties.
This guy Rico throws them, and GB/GB is when you give blood, and then he get you buzzed from this black liquid that comes out of his saliva when he kisses you.
What? - Natalie do this? - Um Did Natalie do this? Answer me.
Yeah, um, I think I think she might've, but don't be mad at her, 'cause it could've been way worse.
What are you talking about? A couple of weeks ago, we went to a turning party, where this girl had all these vamps drain her, and then she turned into a vampire.
Why am I hearing about this for the first time? Because I just got thrown into a van, and Rico was inside.
Who? The vampire I was telling you about.
He knows that I'm a cop, and he's pissed.
He's pissed? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Landry.
- Captain - Where is he now? I was just trying to help.
I when I became friends with Natalie, I knew that I was the best chance at getting on the inside of the vamp world and finding out what was really going on.
Here, cap Captain, take your arm out.
It's not in the hole.
Um, Captain, it's it's upside down.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it! And I was gonna tell you.
I just I knew that if I told you, you would've put somebody else on the case, and you said so yourself.
Did you I.
D.
the van? Rico drives a black escalade, and the license plate is call it into dispatch and get the hell out of my way.
Do you want me to come with you? I want your gun and your badge on my desk.
You're off the force.
Man, you are nothing like what I pictured.
What you pictured? Dude, you didn't even know I had a girlfriend until 15 minutes ago.
You have no idea what a guy can picture in 15 minutes.
Well, what do you think? I think Carla has good taste.
- So, Jules - Julia.
Julia The bar you work at when I've been in there flirting with Carla, acting like an idiot, you've been in there the whole time, haven't you? Yeah, I saw you, and you did look like an idiot.
Ha ha.
But I'd only be jealous if you were a girl, right? Huh.
So, Carla, you don't get jealous if a guy in a bar was flirting with Julia? Well, actually, no, that's different, - 'cause Julia's bisexual.
- What? - Very bisexual.
- I like that.
And we're off.
And that's how I put the "adventure" in venture capital.
Wiener.
Okay, children, let's move on to Lucille's father, officer Joe Stubeck.
Huh.
Raise the roof, right? Huh, buddy? Yay! Yay! Well Like miss Andrea said, I'm officer Stubeck, Lucille's dad.
And that handsome fella right there is my partner, Billy.
Uh, police partner.
Seriously? You think their minds went somewhere else? Just checking.
All right, and those people back there are filming us for a TV news show.
Now, who knows what a UTF officer does? Right there.
Kill zombies? That's exactly what I do.
I kill zombies, sometimes vampires.
I've even captured a werewolf or two.
I could never do your job.
- And I couldn't do your either.
- That's not true.
Yeah, you're probably right.
It's pretty easy.
Now, who wants to learn how to kill a zombie? I'm sorry.
The kids don't really need to be learning about this sort of thing, do they? Yes, they do need to learn about this it's important.
Well, so is the venture capital business.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be driving a bimmer convertible I named Shakira.
Huh? Who else wants to drive a bimmer convertible named Shakira? Janice and my son, yes.
Okay, and who wants to drive a UTF police car someday? Just about everybody.
Thanks.
Okay, great.
Now, if I could just have my zombie Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, a zombie.
Police.
Stop, or I'll shoot.
Okay.
Zombie! Kids, it's been great talking with you today.
Listen, everybody be nice to miss Andrea.
I know I will be.
Hi, there.
How are you, Mr.
vampire? Sorry to bother you, but if you could exit the vehicle, I won't have to blow your face off.
You have about three seconds.
Can I help you with anything, officer? One, two Wait, wait.
Uncle Frank, what are you doing? Natalie.
Oh, are you dating my niece? This is very embarrassing.
I I apologize.
I didn't realize you were my niece's boyfriend.
What the heck? Call me Uncle Frank, huh? You know what? Why shake? I say, why don't we just hug? What are you doing? What are you doing? Ugh! - Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? Okay, I'll show you what I'm gonna do.
You know what? You look like you need a little sun.
There you go.
How's that feel? Hey, you know what? Don't forget your face.
- There you go.
- Uncle Frank, stop! Aah! Ah! Ah! You, my friend, are under arrest for, um, let's see endangering the welfare of a minor, giving drugs and alcohol to minors, statutory rape, and facilitating prostitution.
So why don't we throw in a little assault? Uncle Frank, you jerk, stop it! You know what? A couple more for good old Uncle Frank.
Not to mention multiple counts of murder - in the first degree.
- Murder? Sorry.
That's probably not fair.
I guess when you turn them are they dead? are they undead? You know what? We'll let the judge decide.
This is gonna sting a little bit.
- Aah! - There it is.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha! You, you call your mother.
I will meet you both back at the station.
That is an order.
Where are you taking him? Watch your head.
Don't want to get sued for hurting you.
Ah! I love my job.
I love my job.
So, Julia Are you more attracted to men or to women? You know, I can't really answer that question.
- It depends on the person.
- Huh.
Well, let's just say it's me and Carla.
Well, you're both really attractive.
I told you.
I mean, with Carla, I love her eyes and her lips and her hair, and her body is Okay, thank you, Jules.
But you have a great body, too.
Yeah, that's what my Captain says.
So, Carla, we've been working together now for what, about a year? Mm-hmm.
Been through some very tough battles.
I mean You got to be at least a little attracted to me, right? Well, I think you're an attractive man, but I just don't look at guys that way Or at least I haven't in a really long time.
So let me get this straight.
So you're saying if you were to kiss me, it'd no different than kissing your mom? Okay, that's a strange way to put it.
Oh, I think you guys should try it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hmm.
You kiss like a guy.
You're damn right I kiss like a guy, like five guys.
I like kissing girls.
I, on the other hand, like kissing guys.
Round two.
Definitely better than my mom.
You know, this is great.
I'm really glad we went out to breakfast together.
Okay, so who's gonna take him down, huh? You want a chance to impress your kid, or do I get to put on a show for hottie McSweet-ass? Uh, excuse me.
That's my daughter's teacher.
Well, if she was my teacher, I would poop myself every day.
- Ugh! - You want to ask me why? - No, I don't.
- Ask me why I'd poop myself.
No, Billy, I don't want to know why.
Billy, nobody's impressing anyone.
We're not gonna blow this thing away in front of the kids.
Stu, you asked if they want to learn how to kill a zombie, all right? - Now's your time to shine.
- All right, fine.
You distract the kids.
I'll take out the zombie.
Fine.
Okay, everybody over here.
I'm on an escalator.
I'm going down.
I'm going down the escalator.
Okay.
Look, I'm Stubeck.
"Oh, I'm gonna shoot a zombie.
" Billy, put that gun away! Don't wave that gun in front of the children! All right, all right, all right.
You want to see some juggling? Okay, here we go.
You guys ever seen the inside of a jail cell? You will.
All right, that's good enough, huh? - Did you get him? - I got him.
- Good.
Thank you.
- Get over here.
Whoa, whoa, stand back.
Stand back.
- What do you want me to do? - Listen What's that? There's a bomb inside the zombie.
It's the vamps, Billy they put a bomb right in the zombie.
Yeah, a bomb zombie A-a "bombie.
" - A "bombie.
" Hmm? - Stop it.
Billy, do you know how to defuse a bomb? No, I don't know how to defuse a bomb.
Do you? Why would I ask you if I knew how? I don't know what's in that melon head of yours.
I'm not gonna let these kids watch a zombie get blown into a million pieces we got to ditch this thing.
Where? Where are we gonna put this thing? - Grab the legs.
- Why am I always grabbing legs? - Grab the legs! - Fine! These shoes are, like, so 1970.
Who cares? Oh, my goodness.
He's a big guy.
He's a big guy.
- Ah, my back.
- Ah! Ah, ! Oh, that's nasty.
Don't use that language, sweetie.
- It's okay.
- Put that down.
- All right, let's go.
- Grab it.
Use your legs.
Oh, Damn it! Uh, let's put it in the dick car.
The dumpster, Billy, the dumpster.
- On three.
- Right.
One, two, three.
Go, go, go, go! Whoa! Whoa! Oh-hoo-hoo! Whoa! Oh! Yeah! Right? You're welcome, kids.
I, like I pooped myself a little.
She's not gonna wipe you.
Okay, I'm going to go to the little girls' room.
I'll be right back.
Hey! What are you doing flirting with my girlfriend? What? I was just being nice.
No, you're flirting worse than you flirt with me.
And Julia likes guys.
Did you not hear that? Yes, she definitely has some options.
Yeah, she does.
Look, there's enough drama and jealousy in straight relationships.
Can you imagine what it's like when you put two women together? I would like imagine what it's like to put two women together.
John-John, listen to me for five seconds, okay? There's enough drama in my life already.
- I don't need any more.
- Okay.
Fine.
I hear you.
- Hey, guys.
- Kirsten? What's going on? I screwed up.
I was helping out Dashell, and then my cover got blown, and then he screamed his head off at me, and then Um, I think that I just got fired.
Oh, jeez.
It's o - it's okay.
- No, it's not.
No, no, no, it's okay.
Just take No, dude.
It's all right.
We'll talk about it.
Just take a deep breath.
Just take deep breaths.
Hi.
Hi.
This is my girlfriend, Julia.
Hi, Julia.
It's nice to meet you.
Girlfriend, as in gay.
That's that's that's nice.
Obviously, if I knew what was really going on, I never would've put a rookie on the case, but hindsight is 20/20.
.
As is my regular sight.
And you got that little piece of crap? Yeah, we got him in solitary confinement not going anywhere for a long time.
You owe your Uncle a thank-you.
This little adventure of yours could've been so much worse.
All right, well, I'm gonna go have myself a little chat with Rico, see what else he knows.
In the meantime, you guys can stay here as long as you want.
I think we got some, uh, coffee and some fake pop-tarts in the kitchenette.
No, that's okay.
I'd like to take Natalie home, let her get some sleep and a home-cooked meal.
You do that.
And, Natalie, after you get rested up, I'm gonna need to have a little chat with you, okay? Find out what else you know, all right? Okay, sweetie.
Talk to you guys later.
You ready? I want to get you into a nice, hot bath.
God, you're freezing.
At least have the balls to tell them if you're gonna fire me.
There's a bomb on the zombie! Aah! Kind of in the middle of a speech here.
Aah! - Ow.
- It's a dud.