Disjointed (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Carter, I'm really glad you decided to talk to somebody.
So, tell me what's been going on.
Uh Not much.
[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing.]
Jack, I'm mellow [knocking.]
[Travis.]
Mom? Who's there? The person who calls you "Mom.
" All right, your story checks out.
What are you doing? If you were me, where would you hide this cash so nobody could find it except future me? And keep in mind, future me will be stoned.
What about the safe? Oh-ho.
The safe is full of Snapple.
Sweet stash.
You've even got Peach Mangosteen? Oh, yeah.
Me and the mangosteens go way back.
Well, where do you usually put your money? - The secret safe? - Yeah Who told you about the secret safe? Mom.
You overshare when you're high.
Listen, I know banks aren't an option for people in the marijuana industry, but there's gotta be something better than hiding cash all over your office.
Look, you know, you may have a master's in business administration, but I happen to have a PhD in making it rain.
Okay.
Okay, that was pretty cool.
But, Mom, I'm gonna explore some other cash management options.
Maybe you should diversify a little bit.
I am diversified.
Come on, what do you want? I got, uh, euros, pesos, gold coins.
And my Beanie Babies! That's very interesting, Sadie.
Tell me more about photosynthesis.
Well [giggles.]
it tickles.
- Yeah, it totally does.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
Oh, God.
That's adorable.
Hey, Pete.
Still batshit crazy, huh? Is that Jenny? Can you ask her for more tea? Jenny, the girls are asking about your tea again.
Yeah, well tell the girls they aren't getting any tea.
Because I get it from my mom and my mom hasn't spoken to me for weeks.
I can't imagine not talking to my girls for that long.
Really? What're you gonna do after you cut them, hang them and sell them to strangers to get high? - Who's gonna get cut down? - No one, Coco.
No one.
Jenny was telling me about another group of marijuana plants that got cut down in, uh, Canada.
Ah.
Sounds plausible.
Pete, you're really worrying me.
You know it's time.
They're ready to be harvested.
Harvested? Pay her no mind, she lies to her mother.
Hey, what I tell my parents is none of their business.
You'd never harvest us, would you, Daddy? Of course Of course not.
We're family.
[girls.]
Oh, yay! [giggle.]
We are family I got all my sisters and me We are family Get up everybody and sing - Hey, Carter.
- Hey.
What do you got there? These are my nana's fudge swirls.
They look like shit.
No.
What do you mean? They're delicious.
Yeah, yeah, maybe, but, um But they look like actual piles of poop.
No they No, they don't.
Hey, Travis, come check out Olivia's nana's shitballs.
They're not shitballs, they're fudge swirls.
- They look like shit.
- Right? - They don't smell like shit.
- Because they're not shit.
Oh, my God.
Your nana's shitballs are amazing.
Wow! Wow! - But please stop calling them that.
- Y'all talking shitballs? Oh! - Ha-ha-ha.
Count us in.
- Oh, yeah.
- Count us all the way in.
- They're fudge swirls.
And, yes, you may have some.
Goodness gracious, these are great balls of shit! Yeah, I'm getting a subtle hint of Madagascar single bean chocolate.
Yeah, with some cardamom and nutmeg.
- Toasted nutmeg.
- Yeah, you gotta toast that shit.
That's amazing.
How did you guys know that? Well, Olivia, this is not our first shitball.
But wait, what's that, um What's that thing I'm not tasting on the back of my palate? You're right.
There's a strong absence of something.
Well, there's no pot in them.
- [groans.]
- Motherfucker! - You have to warn a person.
- Yeah.
Man, what if this was a children's birthday party? And I ate three of them.
And the next thing you know, I'm not high! You guys, I am I am so sorry.
"Sorry" doesn't get me stoned, does it? - Does it? It doesn't! - No.
- They called "baked goods" for a reason! - Yeah! Because they're good! Think of the children! - Why did we come here? - I don't know! Well, you know, I bet if we put weed in these, we could sell them.
Yeah, they already have a catchy name.
Nana's Fudge Swirls? I think we're gonna stick with Shitballs.
[marijuana girls snoring.]
Daddy.
Shh! Go back to sleep.
What are you holding? Oh.
These? These are my love scissors.
Oh! Are we getting our first haircut? Yay! Haircut.
I want bangs.
Katy Perry bangs.
I want a bob.
Oh, God, I'm a monster! Ho, ho, ho! [chuckles.]
"Merry-juana," one and all! Welcome to Dank and Dabby's "Every Day is Christmas Christmas Spectacular.
" Yeah.
Because every day is Christmas when you're high in a parking lot.
We're in front of Ruth's Alternative Caring.
And look at all the fans that came to see us today.
[clamoring.]
- Thanks for showing up, guys.
- Yeah.
Man, they're all excited and energetic, moving around, it's like they're trying too damn hard.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know? Yeah, the real fans are you guys at home who are too stoned to come down and see us.
Hell yeah, matter of fact, the realest fan would be too stoned to even watch this.
So, if you're watching right now, fuck you, lightweight.
- Yeah, fuck you! - Fuck you right in the face! - I'm so hot.
- Oh, I'm so hot, too.
- We can't! Not now.
- We cannot do this now.
- Oh, shit! - What? Travis gave us a list of, like, stuff we're supposed to mention.
- Right.
List.
List.
Listerine.
- Okay.
Listerine, antiseptic tank you very much.
[babbling.]
Ha! Got it.
[chuckles.]
- You're so smart.
- All right.
"Mention high quality products.
" Okay.
We could find a spot to squeeze that in.
Yeah.
"Address and phone number.
" Oh! Ruth has both of those.
So Google that.
Uh, "Don't get too crazy, i.
e.
, smoking in parking lot.
" You think I.
E.
stands for something? I think, "Make sure to"? Mmm Nailed it! Yeah, we did.
And now it's time for Santa Dank and Dabby Claus to give out joints to all the good boys and girls.
- Yeah.
- Follow us.
Ho, ho, ho! - Hey, there you go, little boy.
- Free weed? Looks like I picked the right day to sneak out of rehab.
Yeah! Jesus Bruce Lee Christ, what the hell is going on here, huh? Hello, angry karate girl.
Welcome to Dank and Dabby's Christmas is Christmas is Christmas Spectacular.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
- Would you like to sit on our laps? - I'd like to sit on your faces.
Wow.
Slow down, dude.
We'll get there.
What did I tell you about snurfing blounts and dropping spliefers in the parking lot? - Uh To.
- Yeah.
No! Not to! - I always forget the "not".
- Yeah.
You two hemped-out burn pots have made two very big mistakes.
Sonny and Cher.
- Oh, I love them.
- No drugs.
No drugs.
- Dude! - No! - Yeah.
- Not cool, Fuck Norris.
- Get him, Dabs! - Turn that camera - Yeah! - Oh shit! Who's sitting on whose face now? Okay, as promised, I've been looking into some creative ways for us to store our money.
Are we gonna bury it in a cemetery? What are we, pirates? - Uh, well - Are you open to it? - Because now I really wanna be a pirate.
- Okay, Mom.
Okay, just Just hear me out here.
We're not burying anything.
What I wanna do is buy cemetery plots with our cash.
Then, any time we want, we can sell it back for the same price.
It's a completely liquid asset.
I talked to the guys here.
There's plenty of plots available to purchase.
You just have to tell them you're Armenian.
Well, I guess I could be Ruth Whitefeather Feldmounian.
So, what do you think? Travis, not only is this a good idea, it's a fucking cool idea.
Well, thank you.
You know, that means a lot coming from you.
- Oh, come on.
- No, I'm serious.
Mom, you worked really hard your entire life.
All right? It's important for me to know that you're protected.
Thanks.
Look at all these people buried here.
I mean, I just can't help wondering, I mean Did they live the life they imagined? Will they be remembered for anything? Did they proudly serve the Armenian community of greater Los Angeles? Where are you going with this? I don't know.
I'm an old person in a cemetery.
I'm kind of freaked out.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[gasps.]
[groans.]
Look at that one.
Birth date, no death date.
You know what that means? [whispers.]
That guy was buried alive.
Come on, Mom.
[moans.]
Hello.
I know we call Dank and Dabby fucksticks, like, a lot, but it really is the right word.
Yeah, they really are Lord and Lady Fuckstick.
[cell phone buzzes.]
Oh, please be my mom.
Ugh! It's just that same stupid Amber Alert.
Yes, silver Corolla, child abduction, immediate danger, we get it.
So, you still haven't heard from your mom? I don't wanna talk about it.
Let's talk about you.
I don't wanna talk about me.
Let's talk some more shit about Dank and Dabby.
Yeah.
[imitating.]
"I'm Dabby.
I smoke a shit ton of weed and I scream for no reason!" That's her, that's her.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
[imitating.]
"Dank, dick, dickhead, douche bag, jackass, jerk off, moron, more on that later.
" [both whooping.]
"Somehow I find that attractive, make out with me!" "Yes, I will.
" - They dumb.
- Yeah, so stupid.
- I'm gonna get back to this trash.
- I'm gonna kick this around.
[giggles.]
Where are we going, Daddy? A forest where you can be safe and be with your own kind and run free.
Well, stand still free.
Someplace where I won't have to kill you.
"Kill you?" Uh, no.
No, I said "krill you.
" You know, make you talk to the microscopic plankton that whales eat.
Jesus.
Slow down, you stupid silver Corolla.
To think he'd drive like that with his daughter in the back.
Yes.
Hey, hi, little girl.
I see you.
[melancholy music playing.]
[man.]
When the tornado hit, it was pretty devastating.
Everything we had was gone.
[woman.]
Even with our insurance, we knew it would take a while to get life back to normal.
Well, we were anxious and scared.
We needed to get high.
[upbeat music playing.]
[man.]
Within a few hours, Pot Farmers was here with two weeks' worth of emergency joints, lighters and bongs.
No questions asked.
- And, like, good weed.
- Oh, yeah.
Primo.
Not that trim shit.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
It was really reassuring to suddenly understand that what happened to us was an infinitesimal ripple in the ocean of time.
Plus, I got my appetite back.
[both laughing.]
It's so funny.
- I don't know what the future holds.
- Nobody does.
But it's nice to know we don't have to face it fully.
[whispering.]
Where are the kids? [laughing.]
- What? - Nothing.
All right, what clown put a box of turds on my desk? Those are my nana's fudge swirls.
I'm trying to talk Olivia into making them with weed so we can sell them here.
Ooh.
Another good idea, Travis.
You're on a roll.
And "Nana's Fudge Swirls," what a homey name.
Thank you! They wanna call them "Shitballs.
" Well, that's better.
Stoners love a good shit joke.
Okay, no, I need to make a stand here, guys.
My grandmother was the sole bright spot in an otherwise miserable childhood, okay? We are not selling "Nana's Shitballs.
" How about "Olivia's Shitballs"? Can my picture be on the package? Ruth.
Howdy, neighbor.
How's it's Tae Kwon Do-ing? I thought we came to an understanding.
Remember, we did this together? It's not what you think.
I just caught your friends Tweedle Dank and Dabby Tweedle handing out jimmies in front of my dojang.
My students could've gotten addicted.
Now, hold on, "jimmies" can mean sprinkles or condoms, depending on where you grew up.
Well, I grew up in La Cañada.
Just north of Glendale.
It's got good people, excellent schools.
Look, I'm sorry for whatever Dank and Dabby did, but they don't work for me.
Actually, Ruth, they kind of do.
Zip it, dropout.
I think you should know I started a petition to have your ass thrown out of this retail plaza.
And I gotta tell you, the response has been overwhelming.
What does that mean? It means that everybody I talked to responded in one way or another.
And you should be warned, because most of them requested that I come back when they were less busy.
Well, I'd like to make that request of you now.
Fine.
We were jerk-off buddies in the alley.
And then you ruined it.
Okay, again, it's not what it sounds like.
It's not.
It's [woman.]
Pete.
[singsong.]
Oh, Pete.
Hello? Hello, Pete.
- Who are you? - I am Mary Jane.
I am the spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
Oh, sure.
People also call me Puff Mommy, Lady Ganja, Green Goddess.
Isn't that a salad dressing? Ow! What the hell are you doing here? I'm setting these plants free in the forest.
[scoffs.]
You are an award-winning grower, Pete.
You should know marijuana's not meant to be set free! It's meant to be set on fire.
To be chopped, dried, ground, rolled, strained, pressed.
Oh, I don't know, they're doing all kinds of crazy stuff these days.
You seen these "One Gram Dab" videos? That shit is fucked.
- But they're my babies.
- Then you must kill them.
Like you have done dozens of times before.
But these plants are special.
- They talk to me.
- No, they don't, you're just lonely.
When was the last time you got laid? Ugh.
Wait, I remember.
It was after that Phish concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
Oh, yeah.
It was stacked parking.
We weren't going anywhere, so [Sadie yawning.]
- Daddy? Who are you talking to? - No one, Sadie.
No, stop it! Goddamn it! There is no Sadie! You take these golden clippers and you cut those little plants into little pieces.
No.
Don't you want people to still enjoy Phish concerts? - Yes.
- Well, this is the only way.
- I can't.
- Oh, God! Do you need me to fuck some sense into you? Okay.
[sighs.]
You are a grower.
No, Daddy! Don't! [marijuana girls chattering.]
I love you, Daddy! - Daddy, no! - [Pete.]
Shh! Daddy, don't! No! Hi, I'm Olivia from Ruth's Alternative Caring.
- And this is my friend Maria.
- Friend? Aw.
[chuckles.]
Who has a double-oven and a big-ass stand mixer, so And a housekeeper that showed us how to use them.
Shout out to Rosita.
Pathway to citizenship.
Now, for the first time ever, our Strain O' the Day is an edible.
- And it's called - Olivia's Shitballs.
[laughs.]
- [Maria.]
They look like poop.
- Yes.
Okay, baked from my beloved grandmother's recipe, these mouth-watering treats have been the hit of countless potlucks, church suppers, VFW bake sales But now they're filled with marijuana grass.
You guys know how it works with edibles.
The dosage can be tricky so start with just one.
Right.
Right, right.
Because once you get to number two, things can get messy.
[laughs.]
- Do you get it? - Okay, stop.
Let's just try one.
Oh, my God.
That is some good shit.
Think about all the fun you can have with them.
Put one on your boss's chair.
Take one to the zoo and throw it at a monkey.
Or, for that perfect baby shower party favor Aww! Itty-bitty baby.
Anyway, [laughs.]
what used to be a precious childhood memory is now available for ten bucks for a pack of three.
And that's a full movement.
Did you get that one? - It's a bowel movement, - Bowel.
Yeah, I got it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, um I haven't done this in a while, but would you wanna have dinner? You haven't had dinner in a while? Please don't fuck with me.
This is hard enough.
I'm sorry.
Yes, I would love to have dinner with you, Carter.
Cool.
You know, I'm really not high at all.
Are you sure we put enough weed in? Really? Because I'm feeling it all over.
Then again, I'm much smaller than you.
No, no, no.
It's just that, um I'm petite and you're athletic.
Have another one.
- Hey, Pete.
- What's up? I harvested the weed.
- Oh, yeah.
Cool.
- Yeah, it was.
You know what else was cool? Mary Jane, the spiritual embodiment of marijuana, fucked me sideways last night.
I thought we were making love.
Yeah, of course we were.
You used the F-word.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, this was not just, like, a one-night thing for me.
No, I know.
Me neither.
I'm s I don't Yeah, I Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
There's no one there, right? No, but he does make a cute couple.
Could I have everybody's attention? Sorry, baby, I gotta work.
Three months ago my son, Travis, came back from business school to help me run this place.
And at the time, I was skeptical and stubborn and, um, a little hungry.
Olivia, Shitball me.
Oh, fucking A, Olivia.
Mm.
Where was I? - Skeptical.
- Stubborn.
- A little shrill.
- Pain in the ass.
California.
[Ruth.]
All right, all right.
Since then, I've come to realize that Travis knows what he's doing.
And that's made me think of all the things I haven't done and I haven't had the time to do, because I've been so focused on running this business.
So, this morning I remembered I'm a lawyer.
And I filed the paperwork for change of ownership.
So as of now, Travis and I are equal partners.
And Ruth's Alternative Caring is now Ruth's Travis Alternative Caring.
- Oh, yay! - All right.
Cool.
Wow, Mom, thank you.
Baby.
[Carter.]
Nice.
- Speech.
- Say something.
[stammering.]
I don't believe this.
I mean, this is really exciting.
You know? All of us working together to make this store - DEA! - DEA! This is a raid.
Everybody on the ground.
Faces down! - Right now! - Get down! Get on the ground! - Get down.
- Down! I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna plop my nickel in a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie Q I's am on a bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow