Doctor Doctor (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

1 I'm here tonight to announce that I'm going to run for mayor.
(GROANING) - I'm sorry that I said I loved you.
- So you don't love me? Ow! - You ever heard of the troubles? - Hey! Well, that's what you just bought yourself.
"Likes to take long walks.
" Who doesn't? One of these guys has to be nice enough to see more than once.
I've known Joey all my life.
He is my oldest friend.
Joey is dying, Hugh.
There is no point dragging it out because you don't like it.
They have a new trial starting this month.
We need to get Joey onto it.
I've been down this road before.
This is a completely new road.
It's a superhighway to recovery.
When are you going to grow up and accept responsibility for anything? Hard to say.
You ever wonder who your real dad was? Sort of remember Mum saying he was a guy who didn't want to be a dad.
(ENGINE CHUGS) Hey, something's wrong.
JIM: Oh, it's probably the chain.
- I got it, Dad! (SCREAMS) It's your own fault! Acting like his His father? I'm his father, not you, me! Ajax.
- Ajax! - You're pouring blood, mate.
.
It's Ajax's phone.
(MESSAGE TONE) It's me.
Again.
Are you okay? Look I'm sorry how everything went.
Everyone is worried.
Can you call me, please? Yeah.
Don't give me that "poor Hugh, career's over" sorry-arse look.
I wasn't thinking of your arse, truly.
Get over here, inflict some pain on me.
I've dreamt of doing this but for so many different reasons.
Feel that? Nuh.
Any sensation? Not where it should be.
One night back from Sydney, you've already used all my shampoo! I'm an invalid! There was spillage.
Hospital should have kept you under longer.
Look, I'll get my stuff as soon as Big Bad Dad's not there.
(PHONE RINGS) Tugger? Do you know anything about Joey flying back from Adelaide today? What? The clinical trial hasn't even started yet.
No, not for Joey, apparently.
- What did he say? - Nothing.
It was just a text with his flight number.
His phone's off.
(SIGHS) - If he's done a runner - I'm heading to the airport.
Yeah, I'll meet you there.
What could have happened? Don't know.
I rung them but no answer.
There he is.
Excuse me! Thank you.
Joey! What happened? Are you all right? Fine, babe.
They just said I couldn't do it.
Why not? It's a clinical trial, you're the perfect candidate.
Who knows? Medical professionals, can't trust 'em.
What happened to your hand? Ajax, the bike.
Oh, shit, Ajax! Lebmeshnb Lemyeshmaw You drinking on the plane, mate? (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) - Hugh? - Clinic, go.
Come with me! It's all right.
I'm going up the country Babe, don't you wanna go? I'm going up the country Babe, don't you wanna go? I'm going someplace where I've never been before I'll leave this city, I've got to get away I'm gonna leave this city I've got to get away All this fussin' and fightin' Man, you know I sure can't stay.
1x09 Well, there is a slight optical bulging.
How long have you had the headaches and slurring? On and off.
A while.
And double vision.
Only twice.
What's wrong with him? I don't know, but people don't just get released from very expensive immunotherapy trials.
Maybe they had too many people.
I don't know.
They said they'd speak to you.
Right.
Anything? It's cold.
Going to check his original scans.
(SIGHS) Your eight o'clock has been waiting for half an hour.
Well, I guess they're my 8:30, then.
Well, I'll just let her know that you don't have time for her potentially abnormal cervical cells.
A Pap? Can't you get Penny to do it? I am kind of busy.
Penny is AWOL and not answering her phone.
Perhaps I should check our ether supplies and the boot of your car? Ooh! (SIGHS) Just get this crap out of my office, Aoife.
I don't know anything about it.
Or the prawns in your glove box.
Don't move.
I'll be right back.
WOMAN: I haven't done one of these before.
Me either.
He's kidding.
What happened to your hand? Oh.
Great white.
It was a bike accident.
His career as a surgeon is over.
It's tragic.
Such potential.
She is a pathological liar.
We've upped her meds.
Try to relax your legs, Shelley.
Dr Knight will describe the procedure as we go.
Won't you? Yes, um Well, the speculum here is Let's start with the cervix, shall we? Um, the cervix is like a tiny bagel.
He's not comfortable with the female reproductive system.
He's a virgin.
I'm a cult leader? Really? You told her I'd been in prison for bestiality.
Aoife, our shit stays between us.
You made our shit public when you hit on me at work! Hit on? Unbelievable.
Who was all, like, booty call, push-up bra, magic tongue trick? You're sad, one-handed, emotionally-stunted little rat man! (SCREAMS) (KNOCKS) What? Open the door! Open the door! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Hugh! I'm so sorry! Get away from me! Argh! We're going to head off.
Wait, the scans Mother Mary of Where's Penny?! Get Penny! (MOANS HAPPILY) Ahh.
I should probably get to work.
Tell your boss that you're sick.
Tempting.
However, as my own boss, I'd better go in before I notice I'm not there.
(LAUGHS) God, your ridiculous.
(MESSAGE TONE) Oh, shit, I've got to go.
Got a science assessment today.
I'm going to be a doctor, like you.
Is that? Are you? Uh-huh.
You bedded Whyhope High's head prefect.
You said he worked at TAFE.
Well, I do P after-school deliveries.
Oh, my God.
Why are you freaking out? I'm 18, it's not illegal.
I've got to go.
See you.
Oh, I'll Snapchat you.
VOICE-MAIL: Message received today at 8:40am.
Good morning, valiant leader.
This is Betty Bell, obviously.
Your patients are starting to arrive.
Are you far? Perhaps you are otherwise engaged, Tinderella.
(LAUGHS) That was a thinly-veiled reference to sexual conduct.
Call me! Bye now.
Next message.
WOMAN: Penny, hi, it's Hannah Fisher from St Vincent's.
I've put your name forward for a fellowship at our medical research arm.
I think you'd be great, and it's a rare opportunity.
I know it's Sydney and you've got Floyd to think of, but give me a call.
I've emailed you the details.
Ciao! Oh, my God.
Dream job.
Dream job! Hayley! You just stop right there, young lady.
Told you he wasn't at Mason's Ridge.
And you were right, so where is he, Hayley? Ajax is fine.
He's had a shock and wants to be alone for a bit.
It's been five days! It took Jesus 40 days to get his head straight.
We need to give him time.
I admire your loyalty, Hayley Just tell us where he is! I love you both but no.
You're saying no to me? Yes, Meryl.
Sorry, Meryl.
No, no, no, darling.
It's all right.
But the election debate is tonight and I need my family there united! Jim, you've already thrown one son out of the house.
Try and retrieve the other, please.
Oh! Tampering with other people's mail is a Commonwealth offence.
So is importing live biological matter.
Just Why? A healer doesn't reveal her secrets to the common folk.
So, leech saliva prevents clotting and improves circulation.
So mediaeval.
It's amazing.
They even inject the saliva into dogs as a way to stop cancer colonisation.
Where do you even get medical leeches from? These are MEDICAL leeches, aren't they, Betty? Hopefully.
You'll give him a bacterial infection! These are only to be used in a highly regu Ugh! Look at that one swelling up.
That's Lou.
Leeches are hermaphrodites so I had to assign gender-neutral names.
Get it away from me! And yet (EXHALES) Ooh.
Out.
All of you.
Good work, friends.
Let the healing begin.
Ah.
Morning.
What does this look like to you? What happened to THAT hand? Aoife.
She probably drowns kittens for fun.
A tumour on the cerebellum.
Joey's lung cancer has metastasised to his brain.
Oh, Hugh.
How was dismissed the first time around? It happens.
So, that's it.
I'm so sorry.
- Is that a Hickey? - No.
Shut up.
Hello.
Where are you going? I know you want to go there, yes you do.
But you can't, come here.
Go on.
Hello, girl.
Eh? Oh, hello.
You knew before you got back.
Cleopatra is glad I'm home, aren't you, girl? Joey.
They told me, it's in me brain.
Then why didn't you tell me? Because Chantelle was there.
I just didn't want her to know.
All right, here's the deal.
You're going to get worse, especially your balance and coordination.
Problems walking, speaking, seeing.
You're going to vomit a lot, get drowsy and the headaches are going to increase.
Eventually, it will kill you.
Sounds like a blast.
I'm just giving it to you straight.
But we can manage your pain, make what time you have left as good as it can be.
I'm not going to make it, mate.
Known that for a long time.
What's ahead scares the shit out of me.
I want you to cash in my chips.
You know, take me for a wander in the happy hunting ground.
What? Sorry, I don't speak metaphor.
End my life.
I want you to help me end my life.
Hey.
I told Meryl not to worry.
I said, "My boy, he's got some of the best bush smarts around.
" Taking the credit? Well - You been all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Plenty of rabbits, creek water, berries.
That's all I need.
I just wish that you felt that you could have told me that you were here.
You should have told me Hugh was my dad.
He shouldn't have said anything.
I think you're all bunch of liars and you can piss off.
Mate.
Okay, secret, but I have a chance at a job I used to dream about.
Like, literally, I had dreams about doing it.
- A job? - And then in the shower - Destiny called.
I think so.
But Uh I've got to Give me a minute.
You didn't call me back.
Um, yes.
Sorry.
Look, can we do this later? I am just with a rather nosy colleague.
Yeah, sure.
Sorry, Ben.
Do you want half of my falafel roll? No.
You must be ravenous after all that sex.
How do you know? Oh, please.
Your post-coital aura is practically scorching me.
(LAUGHS) And you have a Hickey.
I save lives, I don't end them.
Let's not even talk about the high probability I could go to jail.
You're the only one that can do it.
Besides, your hand's stuffed.
You're not going to be a surgeon much longer.
So jail is a good option then? (CHUCKLES) You are right, though.
If the damage is permanent, I'm done for.
I'm nothing without my hands.
Nothing.
What about your son? Well, the way I told him I'm his dad proves that I'm shit-ass at it.
He's not speaking to me.
Joey! Come inside! I made you a pie.
Oh, great.
What sort? Okay, it was going to be a pie, but the recipe was, like so I ordered pizza.
Sounds ace.
Coming, babe.
You've got to fix things with Ajax.
(GROANS AND COUGHS) Hang on.
Give us a go.
Oh.
Mozzie got in my eye.
The old cottage.
I remember that hunting trip when we stayed up here.
So what do I call you now? Your Highness? Uncle? I quite like 'Matt'.
I don't know what anyone has anymore.
Doesn't matter, does it? I mean, nothing's really got to change.
If it makes you feel any better, Mum and Dad wouldn't have lied for me the way they did for Hugh.
Yeah, because you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
I've had heaps of one night stands! So, you going to live bush for the rest of your days? Yeah.
Could if I wanted to.
Oh, I know you could.
You realise Dad's schlepping around like a bear with a broken heart? Families, mate.
They suck.
But we're stuck with 'em.
What do you say? Time to come home? Vote for Meryl.
Here.
CHARLIE: Meryl T-shirt, you know you want it.
Meryl T-shirt? Vote for Meryl.
Come on, just vote for Meryl.
Vote for Meryl, number one.
Number one.
Big Nath, Meryl.
Vote for Meryl.
Vote for Meryl.
Oh, Janet.
Thank you.
Good luck, Mez.
Oh, and you are looking DElectable tonight.
De-electable.
Get it? (LAUGHS) Don't bite.
That's what he wants.
UNelectable, you witless, twonk-faced doughnut! God, you're unlucky.
Both hands?! Agh! Other one.
Careful.
Okay, head.
Ah.
You're touching my boob.
Sorry, not sorry.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Whyhope's great mayoral debate.
Please settle down, find your seats.
Our nominees will soon be making their speeches in the hope of snaring your very important votes.
So without any further ado, let's welcome our candidates P Mayor Rod Eagle and Councillor Meryl Knight.
Please do make them welcome.
Yes.
Showtime.
Smiles on.
Okay.
Hi, hello! Whoo! Hey.
A certain young man is trying to get your attention.
Just at the end.
That's good.
Okay.
Oh, amorous correspondence from your gallant suitor.
(GASPS) Stop it.
And so, friends, Whyhopians, country folk I stand before you hoping that you will entrust in me the care of our beloved town and elect me to be your mayor.
Whoo! I promise to do so with integrity, honesty and transparency.
Vote one, Meryl! Go, Meryl! Whoo! (LOUD CHEERING) I'm glad you're here, mate.
Thank you, Councillor Knight.
And now I call upon Mayor Rod Eagle.
(LESSER CHEERING) Integrity, honesty, transparency.
Tell me, Councillor, did you have these words in mind when you allowed your son to leave school illegally and then covered it up to the authorities? Ajax Knight did not have an apprenticeship to go to upon his early departure from Whyhope High, which is against the laws governing the education of children.
Do you deny it? No.
And of course, her son is not her son.
No! He is the son of Hugh Knight.
(CROWD GASPS) The golden boy doing us all a favour! (SUSURUSS OF CHATTER) You scratch the surface of Meryl Knight and you find a festering swamp of dishonesty and a dysfunctional family of thugs, degenerates and liars! Meryl Knight is as bad as Well, she is as bad as the bloody greenies! Ajax! Hey.
Hey! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
I should have done it better.
I should have been better.
Are you really? (SIGHS) Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) Don't.
Just I've got to take this.
Tugger, what? I called you four times.
Help me, Joey is fitting! Okay, roll him onto his side, check his mouth and time the seizures.
Okay.
(JOEY GROANS) Call the ambos.
Shh, shh, shh.
All right, I'll call the ambos.
It's all right.
He just had a seizure.
Tugger, Tugger, we're going to have to admit him.
No, no hospital! Shh, shh, shh.
WOMAN: Did we miss anything? Yeah.
What are you doin' Meryl? He looks like an accountant.
- Not helpful.
- I think you look very studious.
No, no.
I haven't been to school in months.
I'm too far behind now.
Mum, do something.
It's your fault I have to go.
Knowledge is sought by some and thrust upon others, but it is never wasted.
I shouldn't have come back.
You walk through that gate with your head held high, mister.
Promise me you won't talk to any of those netball girls.
Look, anyone gives you a hard time, you tell them you survived five days bush with just a penknife.
Show 'em how to skin a rabbit.
I wouldn't.
Mum.
Come on.
Let's get this over with.
Please.
When will you get me out of here? We're still assessing you.
It's palliative care, mate.
I can't do it.
Yeah, I know.
Look at bloody Edith McNafferty over there.
Remember her? Hard to forget.
She used to fine us every time we took our Police Academy videos back.
(CHUCKLES) Even when they were rewound.
What about Mum? She had a catheter, it had to be emptied.
I know.
(EMOTIONALLY) She died in this room! Man up, will you? Help me.
It could end my career.
No one has to know.
Doctors do it all the time.
But I haven't.
I just want to go to sleep quietly and not wake up.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) How you doing, Joey? Is that morphine helping? Not enough.
Let's see what we can do about that, then.
Ah, Penny.
You might want to, um You've been at the nitrous oxide again? Excuse me.
This is this is bigger than school.
I have these feelings inside right now that are so intense and I think it's love.
Maybe, but more likely hormones.
Is this because of the poem? Look, I know I'm not that good with iambic pentameter but Ben, you're great.
We had such fun, but I come up with way too much baggage.
I don't mind.
But you will.
When your friends are at schoolies and travelling.
This is the freest time of your life.
It doesn't last long.
Enjoy it.
Yeah, that's what my mum said.
She is a wise woman.
Did you know that I'm an A-grade hugger? Hm.
Is that? I can't help it.
It's okay, but maybe we'll stop hugging.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) (CHUCKLES QUIETLY) Hey, can we talk? You shouldn't be driving one-handed.
Get in, will you? Get lost.
Aren't you supposed to be in school? I left early.
I suck at biology and everyone laughed at my man bun.
Your car smells like prawns.
Okay.
Ajax.
Can we talk? I mean, can we really talk? I wish it was Matt and not you.
Fine.
But you do know biology is my middle name.
You see the variables from the resting body temperature.
- What is a variable? - Something that changes.
Sleep, cold, hunger, whether the temperature is taken orally or rectally.
Or rectally? Like in your? - Yeah.
Yup.
- Right, so what is the primary marker here for circadian rhythms? Oh, no, I can't remember.
Mate, how are you ever going to go to uni if you can't grasp the simplest things? - Hugh! - I don't want to go to uni.
- Okay, all right.
Sorry.
- This shit is just boring.
- Oh, so boring.
- Sorry, what are you doing here? - I failed biology too.
Plebs.
The human body is a wonder of nature.
Kinky Prince Charles often fucks grey sheep.
That's how we used to remember the taxonomy order.
Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species.
Yes! Okay! Oh, that's awesome.
(BOTH LAUGH) It actually is.
We You okay? We'll just go back, we'll just go back.
From there.
"Most good mix diets have an MPU value of around 70" Dad.
Wait.
You missed a transfusion today.
The hospital rang.
Tell Ajax I'll see him at home.
You can't just miss a transfusion, all right? Why does everyone around me have a death wish? (PHONE RINGS) Shit.
Tugger.
The clinic car is at the front so he must be here.
Yeah.
Look, hang on.
Hang on, I'll call you back.
You know there's a chair over there.
Didn't see that, did I? You know how to tie a noose, do you? Doesn't matter.
I'm stockpiling sleeping pills.
Oh, that's a great idea if it was the '70s.
'Cause you know the dosage is lower.
You'd probably just wake up with brain damage.
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Use the exhaust.
Right, well, modern cars have a carbon monoxide filter and that old bomber hasn't started in 15 years.
This is not the way, you goose! I've got tumours fucking everywhere! My brain tissue is being invaded! The only thing I have control over is the way I go out.
I'm (SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY) Hey, hey, hey.
(WAILS) (COUGHS AND GROANS) Hey.
You haven't even said goodbye yet, all right? What about Tugger? Hey? (CRIES) You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I want a wake.
When the time comes.
No, I want it now while I'm alive.
I want you to organise it for me.
Your CV is very impressive.
Sorry.
This chair.
Sorry.
You were saying? Impressive? I mean, you clearly have a knack for resurrecting floundering practices.
Mm-hm.
You have overhauled five regional hospitals initiated several successful women's reproductive programs.
And there is always womb for more.
Sorry.
I pun when I'm nervous.
You've reduced mortality rates for dementia patients in your region by a third.
Regional health deserves as much attention as metro hospitals.
This is my life's work.
I know that if you select me, I could really captain your fellowship.
Well, we have one more candidate to interview, but we will let you know shortly.
If successful, is there much that would keep you in Whyhope? No, nothing.
Thank you for your time, Dr Cartwright.
Thank you.
(SOFT SNORING) If you're doing what I think you're doing, you're on your own.
How is it any different to what you do on the ward with morphine? It's completely different.
He has the right to die with dignity.
And he still can.
You're out of touch with terminal care.
(WHISPERS) Aiding and abetting suicide, we could both be prosecuted.
Don't throw away everything you've worked for.
Too late.
No.
Of course not.
I won't cover for you.
(SIGHS) Hey, Thomas.
Hey, Jim.
Hello.
Hi, how are you? I'm well.
You got everything? Meryl, You're looking ace in those tight jeans! Thank you.
We need to talk sometime.
Sure.
Ah, Fat Nathan.
BIG Nathan.
Mr K.
How good is this? Stoked I didn't miss it.
ALL: Cheers.
Aww.
Remember when Ajax lost both his front teeth? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
So cute.
So cute.
Come on.
God, my head was rude! So rude.
(SIGHS) It's so weird.
Never been to one of these before.
I think it's nice.
We always wait until people have gone to tell them how we feel.
Well, in case I never told you, I think you're all right.
Sort of.
Yeah, I think you're okay.
A bit.
(TAPPING ON GLASS) Hello, g'day.
G'day, everyone.
Thank you.
Look, this is the part of the day where what we're going to do is we're going to talk about my baby brother.
So how about we hear from one of Joey's oldest mates and my high school crush, Hugh Knight.
(APPLAUSE) Ooh! Thanks, Jane.
Uh I was a little nervous coming here today, so I prepared a few lines and now I've snorted them, I feel much better! (LAUGHS) Um, so this impromptu bash is for our mate, Joey.
Joey hasn't got long to live, so I told him, "Stay in Whyhope, it'll seem much longer.
" (LAUGHS) Train wreck.
No, no.
Um Look I've been away a long time and not much has changed, but you have, mate.
Never thought you'd end up smarter than me, but you have.
And you're ticking off that bucket list, aren't you? You've learned Japanese, you've met the woman of your dreams.
But we've still got plenty more stuff to do, so don't give up on me yet, hey? Um To Joey.
ALL: To Joey! To Joey.
Joey.
Joey.
This.
And this.
Doesn't get any better, does it? No way.
Close your eyes.
Keep that picture in your head.
Open.
This is how I want you to remember me.
Us.
Don't talk about that today.
I love you, Chantelle.
I love you, Joey.
I don't want to keep going until I'm all smelly and shrivelled up.
I want to go now, while I'm still smiling and holding your hand.
I don't want to be a burden to you.
But .
.
that's what I'm here for.
Asking for your blessing, babe.
No.
No, no.
What you're saying is it's just ridiculous.
You are a fighter, Joey Higgins.
And me and Hugh are in your corner, aren't we? Yep.
So so you better keep your gloves up, because I didn't fall in love with a piss-weak bolter who takes off when shit gets hard, okay? And besides I know you wouldn't break my heart like that.
JANE: (OVER MICROPHONE) Whyhope's sexist crooning cop to the mic.
You're up.
Tugger, where are you? Come on.
Stay awhile, let me hold you Stay awhile till I've told you, oh About the love that I feel tonight Oh, yeah! Stay awhile, what's your hurry? Stay awhile 'cause I worry, oh Any time that you're out of sight I hate to see you go I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll be good to you I'll make you glad that you are mine So come on, baby Treat me right, must you run now? The night's just begun now, oh Honey, please, won't you stay awhile with me? Oh, honey, please, won't you stay while with me? (APPLAUSE) Top day, mate.
Nice one.
You better really check out because I'm not doing this again.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Anything.
You know I let Betty do leech therapy on me.
(GUSHING) Shit, mate, you've, um Yep.
Every day.
Sometimes twice.
Fuck! What did I tell you? (TUTS) Fuck.
Come on.
(STRAINS) Look at us, eh? (LAUGHS) Haven't changed a bit.
Yeah, all right.
We'll do it.
But my way.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I am I am more than a little dusty.
I hope there are no raids.
I am really not up for smashing faces today.
(GROANS) Oh.
Do you need anything? (WEAKLY) No No, it's okay.
Bye.
I'll see you tonight.
Oh, my God.
(DOOR CLOSES) Hey.
Where are you headed? Into town.
Can I come with you? Get in.
(JOEY GROANS) Here.
Are you sure? You said that twice already and you weigh a shitload.
Yeah, this is it.
All right.
(GROANS) Agh! (BOTH PANT AND COUGH) Put it over here.
Why? Ants' nest.
Are you serious? I don't want to get bit.
Okay.
(COUGHS) Here.
What's this? It's for you.
To look at.
When you're in prison remembering whose fault this is.
(SIGHS) Magnificent.
(KOOKABURRA CALLS) I'm going to say sayonara to this.
I'm going to miss your ugly mug.
I'll be back to haunt you.
And perv on your mum.
(GROANS) Oh! Please don't do that outside your head.
Deathbed confession, Meryl's a 10.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'm ready.
We don't have to, you know.
I can take you straight home right now.
There's no shame in it.
No, mate.
This is it.
You promised.
I just You can do it.
I know you can.
I've changed my mind.
What?! (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry, mate! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry.
I love you, mate.
It's been a good life.
Shit, I'm scared.
In a good way, but.
It feels good.
(SNIFFS) Arigato.
You're welcome.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) (CRIES) (BREATHES DEEPLY) .