Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

But it's your turn.
No, I don't want to.
Shh! Avery, I am your mother.
Don't shush me, it's It's okay.
She's expressing herself.
Shh! Avery, I am your father.
Guys, don't wake up stan.
I think he's sick.
He won't come when I call and all he does is lay around in a pool of his own drool, breathing through his mouth.
Are you describing stan or Tyler? Stan's also not eating.
Well, that is not Tyler.
He's up in bed right now trying to gnaw through a package of frozen fish sticks.
I've found several diseases that match stan's symptoms.
They're Uh, actually, sweetie, let's not don't get into this in front of your mother; She's a bit, let's say, prone to suggestion.
I am not.
Oh, I have seen it happen.
If someone even mentions a sneeze, suddenly you have to sneeze.
That is not true at all and I resent the accusation.
The room is very dusty.
I'm not suggestible, I'm a bad duster.
I've narrowed stan's diagnosis down to three possibilities.
Languortosis is common in Southern California.
The primary symptom is lethargy, but it also comes with chills and a dry throat.
I'm fine.
But stan doesn't have chills or a dry throat, so I thought it might be droopdacoccus.
"The droops," as they are called, also give you sharp pain behind the left eye.
Ow.
Oh, uh, I think it's the right eye.
Ow.
Oh, I guess it could be either eye.
Or it could be both.
Oh! But I don't think stan has that, so the other possibility would be k-9-fatigation.
It makes you tired, but it also comes with a terrible itch.
Mom, are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm not experiencing any symptoms.
I'm fine.
I really think we should call the vet, though.
Yes, go call the vet.
Oh! Fine.
Finer than fine.
This sweater is wool.
It's cotton.
It's wool! I know that there's something wrong with stan! That vet doesn't know what she's talking about! Her wall is lined with diplomas.
So is yours! I'm sorry.
I just know my dog, and I know that there's something going on.
Well, the doctor did mention depression.
We should consider it.
Aw.
Look at him.
He certainly looks depressed.
It's so sad.
That's sad, too, but for a different reason.
Well, stan has been doing things that depressed dogs do, like peeing in the house.
I'm gonna take my large water bottle and go lie down.
I better keep an eye on her.
I'm really worried about stan.
A little worried about mom, but really worried about stan.
He'll be fine.
Mom and dad don't seem that worried.
Yeah, because they don't even know how bad it is.
We can't even tell them the worst part That stan has stopped talking! Are we sure he ever talked? I've been told I have a very active imagination.
But I don't.
Every night I have the same exact dream.
A little old Russian woman yells at me to eat my soup.
That's probably my fault.
Every night I come into your room and say, "Eat your soup! Eat your soup!" Why would you do that? Told you, I have a very active imagination.
Guys, forget the soup.
We need to focus on stan.
And I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Hey, we love you more than anything and we're really worried.
Please, talk to us.
What's wrong, buddy? Maybe he can't hear us.
What's wrong, buddy?! Works with grandpa.
I don't understand.
Why would stan stop talking? Maybe he stopped talking when he started getting depressed.
Everybody concentrate.
When did this all begin? Well, when we all moved in together, mom and dad thought a dog would help us bond.
No, do you remember when stan started acting strange? Oh, that! Yeah, last Tuesday at twelve after four.
I just had the world's greatest day working at the food truck.
You met a girl? Better! You met a girl with feet made of bacon? I thought bacon foot was just a legend! There is no bacon foot.
Please don't tell me there's no ham-squatch.
I had a great day 'cause I got mom to hire the food truck to cater Chloe's birthday party! Thirty kids eating tacos! Oh, there's gonna be loose meat all over the floor! You know, I'm pretty good at this food truck thing.
Hey, one day, I'll have my own truck and I'll drive around the country and never look back! Except for when I'm backing out of a space, or backing into a space, or changing lanes.
I'm a free spirit but a responsible driver.
Don't worry.
I've not forgotten my best friend in the whole world! Leftovers! It's your favorite! Grill scrapings and fryer gristle.
And something that looks like a beak.
No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
You're always hungry.
It's good.
Look how good it is.
It's so good! There's something wrong with stan.
Really? With stan? I want grill scrapings and fryer gristle and something that looks like a beak! That wasn't the point of the story.
It was one of the points.
Why wouldn't he eat? That's not like him.
I remember when I first noticed something strange.
I was in the family room Oh, hey, dad.
What's up? Apparently you.
Are those stilts? What are you doing? Just, uh, stretching my legs.
Classic stilt-walker joke.
Sweetheart, if this is about wanting to join the basketball team, you may grab a lot of rebounds but you are never gonna get back on d.
I'm researching colleges.
And yes, I know I'm only in sixth grade, but I plan on skipping ninth and tenth.
By stepping over them? The colleges want extracurricular activities that are, well, unique.
Between classes, cheerleading, and your volunteer work, don't you think you have enough balls in the air? Well, actually, that's my big finish.
Oh.
You know, I could do this for Chloe's birthday party if you want.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
You know, while you're up there, can you grab that old balloon? Oh, yeah.
"Happy ninth birthday, ty ty"? Oh, yay! You found my balloon! My biggest fear is he'll have the same reaction to the balloon that says, "happy fortieth.
" Stan! What are you doing to my college catalogs?! Eating them.
It's gonna take you years to get through college.
In a couple hours, I'm gonna go out to the backyard and pass all these courses.
You're doing circus tricks at my party? That wasn't the point of the story.
It was one of the points.
You know, stan was chewing those college catalogs like he was mad at them.
At least he was still talking.
Yes, he was, ty ty.
Good point.
I can tell you when I first noticed he was depressed.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
When was it? Yesterday.
Why'd you want to talk to me? Am I in trouble? Why would you be in trouble? If you don't know, I don't know.
Tyler did it.
Nothing.
I love you.
Fine, stop grilling me! I have shrimp in my pocket! Okay, well, we'll deal with the pocket shrimp later.
First, Chloe, we wanted to talk to you about your very, very, very special seventh birthday party.
Yes, we've been discussing it quite a bit and apparently seven is a really, really big deal My parents forgot my seventh birthday.
I was devastated.
Yes.
They went fishing, they left you at grandma's, grandma made you put lotion on her back.
They brought me back a trout.
I named him Leo.
They made me eat him.
Bennett, the party? It wasn't really a party, more a small gathering to celebrate Leo's life.
Chloe's party! Right, right.
Um, Chloe, we want to know what the party of your dreams might be.
Well, I haven't really thought about it.
But I'd like a mermaid party with space creatures, a bouncy house, zoo animals, and no boys.
Honey, that's awfully extravagant.
Leo would have liked it.
Are you ever gonna get to the stan part? The what? Oh, right.
I could probably get them to throw in a petting zoo for my party.
You wanna Chase around some goats? Maybe some geese? If you bark, they'll honk.
But don't honk they'll kill you.
I was just kidding, stan.
What's the matter? Why aren't you talking? Stan can't talk.
Stan can't talk! Stan can't talk! What? Stan can't talk! Well, of course he can't, sweetheart.
I thought Leo could talk.
But when he told me to loosen the screws on grandma's Walker, I knew it was just in my head.
I know what's going on with stan! Think about it.
What's one common thread running through all of the stories when we were with stan? All of us mentioned Chloe's birthday party.
He stopped talking the third time he heard about it.
It's not my fault for being born.
I don't think.
How does that work? No, no, stan is upset because we all have birthdays and he doesn't.
He's a rescue.
No one knows when he was born.
Therefore, there's only one way to pull him out of his funk.
Bring him soup! Uh, no.
But I do have a plan.
Surprise! Happy Birthday! Wait, stan, come back, okay? Today's your new birthday! Yeah, we found out that's why you're depressed, so we're throwing you a party! Whoo! We made liver cake with beef intestines.
Oh, that's what the chewy part was.
Stan, we threw you this party.
Have some fun! Ooh! You know what's always fun? Playing fetch.
You gonna get it?! You gonna get it?! Go get it! Go! Ball! Chloe, look out! Chloe, are you okay? You all right? You gotta be careful! Stan, you talked! So? So why haven't you been talking? What's the point? What do you mean, what's the point? Look, the party's nice and all, but that's not what has me down.
I heard you guys talking.
You're all gonna leave me.
No, we're not.
You're going to college.
Tyler, you're gonna get a food truck and drive all over the country.
And Chloe, you're another year older and practically have one foot in the grave.
What?! I meant "one foot out the door.
" Cut me some slack, I'm bummed out and bad with idioms.
Look, stan, we're not leaving for a long, long time.
But it's going to happen.
So what's the point? We've got to get him some help.
Him? I got one foot in the grave! Patient w continues to take his obsession with star wars to an unhealthy level.
Today, all he would talk about was using "the force.
" It would be really cool if that worked.
Oh! Dad? You will knock before entering this room.
Your jedi mind tricks will not work on me! Oh, well, how cool are you? Not very.
Um, dad, can I ask you a psychological question? You can ask me anything.
Are you having a problem? Uh, no, not really.
But I have this friend, um, and he's kind of depressed.
He just realized that life is always changing.
He? He? What "he" is this? Is this someone from school? Oh, it's just a funny, sarcastic guy that I play with at the park sometimes.
What?! How old is this guy? Well, uh, nobody really knows his real birthday.
He maybe only be four or five.
And he's hanging out in the park by himself? Well, not exactly by himself.
I take him there.
And he's more like 28.
What?! You have a male friend who's 28?! Wait a second.
I know what's going on here.
I doubt it.
There is no strange friend from the park, is there? This is about you.
Wow, you are really good.
Well, I couldn't put it on a bus bench if it wasn't true.
So, tell me what's going on.
I don't know if you've ever felt like this, but the other day I woke up.
Everyone grows up.
Okay.
And they move away.
Forever.
And that means that someday, someday pretty soon, our family won't be together anymore.
And I love our family.
I don't want it to end.
I don't want it to end either.
Oh.
Thank you.
It just goes so fast, you know? I mean, how do we stop this from happening? How do we deal with our feelings? Dad, you don't want to have to change your bus bench ad.
Okay, what we are feeling What you are feeling is natural.
Especially if you spend all your time dwelling on the future.
But I know how to make it better.
How? Live your life in the present.
See, the present is a gift.
Enjoy what you have now and, well, by the time the future comes, you'll be ready for it.
But what if you're not? Somehow, honey, you always are.
Thanks, dad.
Hey, you wanna help me open the door? Yes, I do.
I thought you might want a snack.
I did want a snack.
Hey, I've been doing some research on your hypochondria, you know how you're so susceptible to symptoms, and I came across this rare form called "nurture-omania.
" Oh, my gosh, I might be a nurture-omaniac.
What is it? Well, uh, it says it's where a spouse becomes obsessed with taking care of their partner's every need.
Very funny, Bennett.
"Nurture-omania.
" Oh, I really want to rub your back right now and make you a frittata, but I am not going to.
I was thinking about my party.
The mermaid, the space creatures, the bouncy house, the zoo animals, and no boys.
I changed my mind.
What?! Don't cancel the bouncy house! We paid for an extra hour for adult bouncy time.
I was gonna try a flip.
I wanna do a fashion party.
No, no, no.
It's too late.
We are not changing everything.
Maybe we should just give it to her, hon.
I mean, the kids are here for such a short time, then they grow up and move away.
It's true.
I've got one foot in the grave.
Soon, we're never gonna see 'em again.
Will you hand me a tissue? No, I will not.
I will not nurture you in any way.
How do you want your frittata? Stan? Stan? I know you're under there.
I can see your tail.
Look, I've got great news! I've figured out what's going on with you! I know what'll get you out from under the bed.
I know you want to lick 'em! I wore thick wool socks and shoes that don't breathe.
This little Piggy is very salty.
Stan, I talked to dad and I know how to snap you out of this.
Yes, you're right; We're all gonna grow up.
But the present is a gift.
And if we spend all of our time worrying about the future, we'll miss everything great about life right now: Like taking walks together, and throwing balls around in the park, and licking between my toes.
I don't want to get attached to your toes when they're just gonna go off to college someday without me.
But they haven't yet.
And I hear between the big toe and the second toe, they're thinking about taking a gap year.
Do you really think that joke is gonna get me out of here? Ooh! I can put some peanut butter on them.
Come on, if my peanut butter toes and what dad said can't snap you out of this, well, then that's it.
I'm really worried, stan.
I don't have any more ideas.
Ooh, peanut butter! My favorite! Maybe I'll just take that.
Tyler, you don't want to do that.
Who's gonna stop me? I guess no one.
Unbelievable after mermaids and space creatures and princesses, this is what she picked.
You gotta admit, a chloe-themed party is very original.
Happy Birthday! What was I thinking? This is freaky! What's freaky? First, I will amaze you With contortions taught to me by A series of five-minute online videos.
Don't get bent out of shape.
Classic contortionist joke.
Hey, my feet still smell like peanut butter.
Sweetie, I think you're scaring the guests.
Oh, then they're gonna love it when my tibia snaps.
I'm stuck.
Can you help me out of this? Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back! Hey, you missed my big finish.
It took dad and three Chloes to get me unfolded.
Why aren't you at your party? All those Chloes are freaking me out.
But I thought a Chloe party was what you wanted.
It was a good idea in my head, but now it feels like everyone is making fun of me.
Oh, good, they got you unfolded.
I thought I was gonna have to become a service dog.
What's wrong with the birthday girl? She doesn't like her party.
What? You don't wanna miss your seventh birthday.
You only turn seven once.
Maybe you should try to enjoy it, because once it's gone, it's Once it's gone, what? Once it's gone, you never get it back again.
You never get this day back again.
I don't want this day back again.
Quiet.
We're onto something else.
If I spend all my time worrying about the future, I'll miss everything great about life right now.
That's exactly what I said to you.
No, I'm pretty sure I came up with that on my own.
The thing is, before I came to this family, I never got sad like this because I never had so much to lose.
Well, that's the price you pay for having people in your life that you love so much.
Then it's totally worth it.
Oh, my one regret is that I didn't lick your toes after you smeared that peanut butter toast on them.
That's not the peanut butter toast I ate, is it? You said I couldn't stop you.
I don't know what's more disturbing The fact that I ate it, or the fact that I liked it! Hey, what about my stinky birthday? I have an idea.
Okay! He's a good boy! So, I learned to stop worrying and enjoy the present.
I even invented a little saying to remember that: The present is a gift.
I'm pretty sure i came up with that.
Anyway, i decided it was time to have a birthday party for myself.
I just wish I'd come up with a different theme.
Chloe was right.
It totally freaked me out.
That was quite a party.
I'm gonna take Chloe upstairs and put her to bed.
I just tucked Chloe in on the couch.
Chloe conked out at the park.
I'm taking her up to bed.
Chloe!