Duncanville (2020) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! I'm wearing a ski jacket and skis.
Can you guess where I am? - Burning Man! - You know, you don't have to guess.
Easy, easy.
Engage your core, Jack.
Are you trying to get in shape again? Give up! We're seeing Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band tonight, and I gotta be able to hold your mother on my shoulders for four hours.
Isn't that rude to the people behind you to be staring at Mom's butt all night? Rude? I think they're lucky, 'cause they get two shows.
- Aw - Eew! Oh, great, our sitter just canceled.
Her dad's shipping out in the morning.
Why does that have to ruin our evening?! Hmm.
Hey, Helen, do you wanna babysit our kids? I'll watch the cute one.
The girls can sleep in the yard.
I guess I should be relieved she's so blatant about it.
- Ah, she's a hot ticket.
- What about that dog down the street, the one that almost saved his owner from dying of a heart attack.
- 811 was so close.
- I hear it still haunts him.
But you left us alone a few weeks ago, and we did great as far as you know.
Okay, we said we left you alone, but we really didn't.
We were watching you the entire time.
This urn with my grandmother's ashes - is actually a nanny cam.
- Huh?! Her ashes are actually in that creepy doll - we keep in the garage.
- No, it's right there.
How does that keep getting in here?! - You were spying on us? - "Are" spying, honey.
All the time.
I don't need a sitter.
I'm 15 years old.
- I'm a big, big boy.
- And I'm 12 kids at school have already hurt me in ways a burglar never could.
Please?! I don't know.
If we went to that concert and anything ever happened to any of you, I would never forgive myself.
On the other hand, if we don't go and I find out tomorrow he played "Jungleland", I will never forgive any of you.
Okay, Duncan.
You're in charge.
Kimberly, watch Duncan.
Jing, if anything goes wrong, get the neighbor dog.
- He needs a win.
- One, two hup! Oof! - I'm at Burning Man! - Ha.
Pay up.
Bruuuuce! This is great! Now that the kids are old enough to be responsible, our lives are never gonna be the same.
We could follow Bruce all over the world until he gets a restraining order against us.
And he'll have to sign it! Then we'll get to see him in concert and in court! - You don't suppose that's for our house - No! There are so many other people's homes that could be on fire.
Helen Diggins probably fell asleep with a cigarette in her mouth again.
Yeah, she's a wreck.
Damn it.
Bruuuuce! We were gone for 20 minutes! Okay, we wanted pizza, but I didn't know if I should set the oven to 200 or 300, so I split the difference and I set it to 500.
And in my defense, the plastic wrapper looked - a lot like shiny cheese.
- At least the sad doggie called 911.
Why didn't you use the fire extinguisher? I did! That's it.
Do your thing.
Aah! Why didn't you run and get help from a neighbor? And get murdered? We barely know those people! Do the words "stranger, danger" mean nothing to you? So you stayed in a burning house? I had to make a tough decision, and I stand by it.
What? I didn't have any dinner! Got a text from Hal.
Bruce played "Jungleland" twice.
I hate those kids.
It's our own fault for leaving them alone.
They're just not ready.
I hate them too.
Good evening, Annie, Jack.
Mmm! Jasmine.
Why does it only bloom at night? Bradley, it's 9 p.
m.
Won't your mom be worried? No.
She believes in "fwee wange parwenting.
" You see, Jack, helicopter parwenting has made kids helpless and fearful of the world.
Tie my shoe? - No! - But you just said And that is "fwee wange parwenting.
" - Whoa! - Wow.
Duncan still can't do that.
He uses Velcro even though the sound scares him.
Maybe we should give this free range thingy a chance.
Come on, honey, the kids made one deadly mistake.
We can't abandon all our parenting beliefs on the advice of a five-year-old.
Mom, Dad, I got something to tell you, but you gotta promise not to be mad.
- I wouldn't make that promise.
- That does it! - We're going fwee wange.
- Are you mocking me? Okay, I looked up free range parenting in my Facebook moms group, of which I am an administrator.
- We know.
- And it's the complete opposite of helicopter parenting.
Instead of us coddling you and sheltering you from the outside world, we're gonna shove you out there and let you fall on your face, just the way our parents did for us.
Didn't you get hit by a bus when you were a kid? And I learned to look both ways before I cross.
Both ways before I cross.
Both ways before I cross.
- Honey, it's happening again.
- Both ways before I Good morning! Free range parenting? That sounds like another one of your stupid "I wanna be a better parent" things, like the chore chart.
Or when you tried to make us a sugar-free household.
Come on, you spearmint son of a bitch get in my mouth! You're gonna be okay, honey.
You're just jonesing.
- Yah! - A Skittle! - You're holding out on us? - Yes! - Duncan! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry so bad! Trick or treat? Why did we start this today? Leave this place! Yeah, I still think we should have given it a second day.
You're overreacting to two fires in one day.
We can take care of ourselves.
Mom, milk's on fire.
It's very simple, Duncan.
Just walk up to the hostess and say, "Table for five, please.
" How am I supposed to remember all that? Table for five.
Table for five.
Table for five.
- Table for - Hello, welcome to Chapman's.
- Inside or patio? - Huh? She said all the cooks are dead we gotta go! Okay, Kimberly, you try.
- Give us your phone.
- I can't talk to people without something in my hand.
- At least give me a cigarette.
- If neither if you kids are going to go up there, then we are not gonna eat.
That's right.
We'll wait all night.
Daddy, your stomach's moving.
Come on, everyone.
We'll free range at the table.
Okay, kids, I know you're used to us ordering for you, but today you're gonna order for yourselves.
- What? - No! You can do this.
When the server comes over, you just look 'em in the eye and clearly enunciate what you'd like to eat.
Do we have to make the food too? Zing! - Hi, I'm Chad.
- Buckaroo Burger, Chad.
- Aah! - Okay, that was terrifying.
Duncan.
I'm sorry? Nuggets please! Louder You know what? I'll have two orders of chicken nuggets.
- No helping your brother.
- Ugh! - Chicken nuggets.
- Oh! Chicken nuggets.
- Yeah, we don't have that.
- Ohh! Why am I even alive? - Duncan, sit up straight.
- I wanna look at the gum - under the table.
- No, you are going to pick something else to eat.
Come on, honey, he just wants to look at the gum.
- Fine.
Look at the gum.
- I need to use the bathroom.
Can one of you go check and make sure there's not - a stranger in there? - You'll be fine.
A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
Just use your instincts and size 'em up.
If they have a neck tattoo, that means they're probably cool.
Jack, that's only often true.
You can't go through life thinking someone's always trying to kill you - or you'll never go poop! - Mom, it's pee.
Sure it is, honey.
Sure, it is.
Hello? I'm very proud of you! Mom, get out! Hmm? Aah! Okay, look at me tell me what you're gonna do again.
Walk into the store, buy a three-pack of Hanes, count my change, don't apply for a store credit card.
Excellent! And don't just grab the first pair you see.
There's lots to choose from boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, jockey cut, quad shorts, banana hammock, banana hammock briefs Just tell me which one I like! That's the beauty of this.
You get to ask a complete stranger, and remember, if you don't like the service you're getting, ask to see a person in charge.
Okay, that's it, yeah.
Pick the color you like.
Mmm, squeeze the package.
Yes, you big boy, yes! 'Scuse me, ma'am.
What are you doing? Oh, me? Oh, I'm just watching that beautiful boy buy underwear.
That's it pay my bail.
Firm handshake, identify which prisoner is yours.
Good job, Dunkie! Movie's about to start.
See ya! What? No! I'm not seeing a movie alone! I see movies alone all the time.
It's fun, 'cause you can tell everyone your favorite lines with no context.
"Out of the way, Richie!" If the projectionist sees me, he'll think I just got dumped! Relax, everyone knows you don't have a boyfriend.
Are you alone? Did you get dumped? Did you? So he runs through the rain into the hospital room where he kisses Jill with tongue only Jill's been dead for days! Gross! He kissed a dead girl? It's called true love, Jing.
You'll understand when you're grown up like me.
Well, I am proud of you, honey.
Jack, fire up the grill.
I'll go to the grocery store and get some salad fixins.
We can go for you.
Did you hear that, Jack? What's next Duncan tying his own shoes? Well, it feels like yesterday that they were so worthless.
Do you really think they're ready? Only one way to find out.
- Bradley! - They're weady! I think everyone on the bus was really impressed with how grown up we are.
Yeah, that one guy kept patting my back.
Hmm? This lettuce is bad.
All lettuce is bad.
No, it's gone bad we can't bring this back to Mom.
Not after all she hasn't done for us this week.
I bet they have fresh lettuce in the back.
You're right.
Let's be responsible and sneak into that restricted area.
Oof Kimberly, help! That was like the dry cleaning bag all over again! All right! Let's toss this salad! You don't thump it, idiot.
You shake it.
I don't know what kind of "Ocean's Eleven" kind of heist you're trying to pull here, but do not try to pass this cabbage off as lettuce.
Will you at least admit they look similar? - I mean yeah.
- Well, that's all I needed to hear.
- Whoo - Ohh We've been driving forever.
Doesn't he need to pee or buy speed? Igh! The cabbage is too thick to get a signal! The guy at the phone kiosk warned me about this.
I got this.
I'll eat our way out.
I'm full kill me.
Daddy, I wanna be a grown-up like Duncan and Kimberly.
- Can I grill for real? - Sorry, honey, but grilling is dangerous and for grown-ups only.
- Owie! - I'm sick of people telling me I'm not a grown-up! I wanna be able to burn meat just like you.
But I love what you make on your Baby BBQ.
Your baby baby-back ribs are delicious! This isn't real.
I've seen you take fake bites.
No, I really eat it.
Mmm! Chew, chew, chew, num, num, num.
Swallow it.
The kids have been gone a long time, Jack.
Maybe you should give them a call.
Me? I don't want them to think I don't trust them.
You don't have their numbers in your phone, do you? I kept texting, "I love you," and they blocked me.
- It didn't work.
- Did she at least - say they look similar? - I mean yeah.
You did good.
I've got a signal! Now I can see how many texts I missed from my friends.
Weird.
They must be inside a cabbage truck too.
Mom, it's me, Duncan.
From the house.
Duncan, where are you? I haven't been worried sick at all! I don't know there's like one of those Mexican Day of the Dead parades, some Mexican churches.
What do you call those Mexican wrestlers? - Luchadores? - Yeah, that sounds right.
You're in Mexico! Madre de Dios! You've gotta stop blaming yourself.
You are a good boy.
I hope you're happy, Bradley! Our kids free ranged themselves to Mexico because of you! Do not listen to him.
He's a quack! My methods are controversial.
Home, please.
We need three tickets to Mexico now! No problem I can get you on the next flight.
- Yes! - Which is - Thursday! - Thursday?! Our kids are lost in Mexico now! Sorry, but Oakdale Airport used to be the exclusive hub for Delta Song and when they went under, we turned the tarmac into part-time tennis courts.
- Hey, we reserved this space! - My bad! Excuse me, sir.
We're trying to find our way home to Oakdale.
Sorry, I can't help you.
And if you're not getting good service, ask for the man in charge.
I wanna speak to the man in charge.
You mean the guy who runs this town? Yeah, sure, whatever.
- Let's go.
- We're gonna walk into the house of someone we don't know? You'll be fine.
A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
Come on! Let's go talk to strangers.
Table for five, table for five.
Nature is beautiful, is it not? Let us get down to business.
These are guns.
I thought we were buying drugs.
Drugs are stopped at the border.
Guns are welcome.
And the best part the guns are made of chocolate.
So when your transaction is done, you have a fun little treat.
Mmm, mm, que rico, ooh! - Russell Stover.
- Yes.
Nothing but the best.
So, Don Rumaldo, you have my money? Excuse me which one of you is the manager? Oh, my God! Everyone's looking at us.
This is so embarrassing! Jack, get on social media and make a big cyber to-do! On it! If anyone on Facebook - knows how to use Twitter - Never mind! Rise up, fellow outraged travelers.
You, in Hudson News, wondering where the cashier is, you, pulling a warm Dasani from the fridge, and you, people hovering near the gate even though you're boarding group D All right, you two, an airport is no place for angry people.
You seduce the guard.
I'll make a run for it.
Hello, handsome.
- Whoa - Oh, easy! - What do we do? - Uh Just remember what Mom and Dad told us.
Outta the way, Richie! Banana hammock.
Banana hammock briefs.
How can we tell if he's a good person - or a bad person? - Use our instincts.
Look a neck tattoo.
- That means he's cool.
- Mom and Dad would be so proud of us right now.
Good day.
My name is Duncan Harris.
And I'm Kimberly.
I'm comfortable seeing movies alone.
What are you doing? People have died for touching El Espantoso.
Don Rumaldo, you can't go through life thinking someone's gonna kill you, - or you'll never go poop.
- Mm! You're as wise as you are brave, and your handshake was firm.
I wish my idiot kids had your poise and confidence.
Dad, stop talking about me, please! Ugh! I beg you to take my life.
I'm sorry you've caught me in the middle of a - business transaction.
- So what are you selling? These chocolate guns? You know what's good? Put 'em in a freezer for a while.
It's a little trick our grandma taught us.
Yes, yes, grandmas are great.
Don Rumaldo my money.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Wait a minute you're just gonna let him go? - Is there a problem? - Well, you should always count your money, like if you're buying underwear or paying your mom's bail.
Hmm.
Feed him to the gators.
No, please! You're making a mistake! Gracias.
You have saved me from a grievous error.
I have a dollar in my car! Please! That's okay when you said, "Feed him to the gators," what did you mean by that? It's just a regional expression - like how some people say Soda - Aah! - and some people say pop.
- Please, I beg you! I know right where it is! I get it, like, "Outta the way, Richie!" Ha ha.
Yes, yes.
Richie always in the way.
- So to show my gratitude - Aah! - what can I do for you? - We're trying to get home - to our mom and dad.
- Wait there it is! On the floor! I-it fell out! Oh, that is nice.
Family is everything.
- Aah! - I would be happy - to fly you home on my private jet.
- Really? You'd do that? Yes.
I'm not made of stone.
Literally just look down.
You're standing on it.
Aah! Oh, hey, he was screaming the truth! - Wanna get a soda? - I call it pop.
You can't arrest us for loving our kids.
The whole world is watching! The whole world is watching! All right, that's it.
We're putting you with the lost luggage and dead pets.
Excuse me.
Hi.
What's your name? - Beth.
Why? - Hi, Beth, I'm Jing.
I'm sorry for my parents' bad behavior.
If you could please let them go, I promise they'll never be naughty again.
Isn't that right? - Uh, yeah.
- Yes, we'll be good.
Well, aren't you lucky to have such a grown-up little girl? Would you say I'm old enough to grill? - Of course! - Aha! Mm.
Whoa! Look at that.
- Hey! - Hey, hey, whoa-oa-oa ♪ - Let's go! - Hey, hey, whoa-oa ♪ - Our babies! - Oh, Duncan looks so handsome! Ah ha! Oh, thank God you're home.
Wait till we tell you what happened to us.
It is the craziest story ever.
El Espantoso? I watched in "20/20" about your prison escape! Two days zipped inside a soiled mattress.
- Disgustingly brilliant! - You're too kind.
Before I go, I want to tell you what amazing, independent children you have.
Perhaps too independent.
Childhood is such a small amount of one's life.
Don't rush it.
- Let them be kids.
- Hmm.
You're right.
Duncan, Kimberly, would you like to go back to being helpless and noncommunicative? Sure, whatever.
Thank you so much for bringing them home.
I can't let you go back to Mexico without giving you a hug.
Come here! I would like to, but my feet cannot touch U.
S.
soil.
Oh, come on, gimme a hug, you lug.
- Mm.
Mm - Mm Come on, everybody.
Let's go home.
I watched an alligator eat a man today.
And I tried cabbage.
Let's wave good-bye to our new friend.
Hey, he got a window seat.
Lucky! He gave me a chocolate gun.
Ooh, let me try! Wow! It's got a kick.
I'm gonna run home.
- Jing, we should start a band! - Hm Thanks for letting me grill with you.
What do grown-ups talk about while the meat cooks? All kinds of stuff! Power tools, crab grass, boats we're never gonna buy, all the girls from high school we - Uh-huh - Shook hands with.
Anything but our feelings, really.
- Grilling's the best! - Hell, yeah, it is.
I think Mommy had too much chocolate.
Jing, you wanna see me do a cartwheel? Say yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! So, what kinda boat are you thinking of not buying?