Eagleheart (2010) s01e09 Episode Script
The Human Bat
Look at all this stolen art, Chris.
It must be worth millions.
Oh, Susie, please.
Don't be so naive.
Everybody knows that artwork is like female bodybuilders Splendidly beautiful on the outside, but full of drugs on the inside.
Watch this.
I should have learned my lesson with Sherice.
She was a female bodybuilder I dated/slashed.
Well, it's marshal Chris Monsanto and his lackey friends.
Lackey co-workers, if you please, Doolan.
We seldom socialize outside of work.
I usually collect masterpieces, Monsanto.
But tonight, I'm gonna paint one With your blood! - Chris, I'm out of bullets! - Yeah, so am I.
Well, I guess this is it.
Wait, I have an idea.
Here.
Lie flat, Brett.
Lie flat.
Shh, shh, shh, shh! Hey, fellas Batter up! Inspired work, Monsanto.
You took down most of Doolan's gang.
Well, thank you, chief, but you know something? I couldn't have done it without my two partners Swifty and Pete.
What about me, huh? I did, uh, pretty good too, right? I was the bat.
You're right, Brett.
You were indispensable out there And you too, Gun.
And let's not forget about you, Pencil.
Great job filling out that report.
You see, Brett, congratulating you would be a waste of breath, breath we could be using to laugh at you.
Cheer up, pal.
You know, if you hadn't been around to be my human bat, I would have had to use somebody else anybody else, actually.
I'm not just a prop.
What about the time I saved those kids? Oh! So it wasn't my idea to crush my skull? I guess we're the same you and me.
People use us, wave us around, and toss us aside, and there's always another lined up.
Don't listen to those jerks, Brett.
If I were you, I'd quit.
Quit? But what would I do? I've always been with the marshals' office.
Chris is my friend, right? I wouldn't know where else to go.
Why don't you join Doolan's gang? That would show 'em.
Ye-a-a-ah.
Welcome aboard, gentlemen.
I hope you like committing crime, my friends.
Looky what I found Monsanto's human bat.
Hey, fellas.
Tie him up and toss him in the incinerator.
I hope you like being hot, my friend.
I do, but, uh, I'm not a marshal anymore.
I quit the force, and I'm here to join your gang.
So, do I got to fill something out or I brought three forms of I.
D.
If you're not with the marshal, then prove it.
Try this.
Welcome aboard.
It is funny.
Hey, has anyone seen Brett's mouth? I need his teeth.
When I got this, I thought it was a twist-off.
He quit last night.
Chris, Susie, I want you to meet Brett's replacement, Brady Giles.
Ah, how you doin', handsome? The [bleep.]
am I supposed to do with that? Relax.
I'm just clawing with ya.
I like to give people the business the lobster business on account of my [bleep.]
Claws.
Here, let me help you with that.
Wow! Geez, we get Brett's replacement, and as a bonus, he's a freak, too.
Brady, I want you to meet your other partner, Susie.
Ooh, yeah, would I like to pinch those fun bags Snap, snap, snap.
If you touch me, I will snap, snap, snap your head off.
Mm, yum, yum.
Daddy likey.
Snap, snap.
Everybody keep still and quiet that way, nobody gets hurt.
I'm going to the vault, where they keep the money.
Mr.
Horse, make sure no one trips the alarm.
Uh, FYI, guys, we're all gonna be using code names based on animals.
So don't shout an animal, or we might get confused, like if you say "dog," I might think you're talking about Mr.
Dog, my good friend right over here, Carlos Ruiz.
What are you doing, man? Oh, nothing, Mr.
Dog uh, sorry Carlos Ruiz.
It's the police.
Let's get away! Why is this door locked? Oh, I locked it to keep the cops out.
You bloody fool! Check the other exit! I'm jammed.
Okay, I got an idea.
Um, lie down.
Come on.
Hey, lie down.
No! Hands off me, Queerbones! - That's it.
That's it.
- I don't crawl that way! Come on, you're my new bat! - Lay off me, sissy! - Stay still! Leave me alone! Great.
Nice job, crab boy.
Doolan just got away.
[Bleep.]
you, Edward Fingerhands.
God, you suck.
Hey, guys, just off the top of my old spaghetti, next time we rob a bank, we should take the money with us before we leave.
- Can I waste him? - Not yet.
We can still use him for something.
Brett, I want you to tell me everything you know about the marshals' office.
What kind of firepower do they have? What are their intelligence capabilities? Hmm, let me see.
The marshals' office.
Uh, oh.
The toilet clogs if you flush too many magazines.
I see.
My God, I see.
You really are good for nothing.
Well Almost nothing.
You really let us down, Monsanto.
Doolan got away.
It was an utter failure.
You know, chief, I think you'd be singing a different tune if old "Claws Kinski" over here had let me use him as a human bat.
Over the line, Chris.
The man is deformed.
That's all right.
He's just a little steamed because I'm the first guy who wouldn't lie down and get stiff for him.
An alarm just went off at First National Bank.
It's time we finish this.
It's a holdup! Get down! Hands on your heads! Get down on the ground, you! Get down! Hands on your heads! Sit down, all of you! Here.
Freeze! No! Hey, how's it going in there? Brett? What are you doing here, Brett? Oh, hi, Chris.
I joined Doolan's gang.
I'm his bat now.
Hey, kid, I know this is a really weird time to say this, but, uh, I think you're a good cop.
Thanks.
Brett, come on, now.
You you don't have to do this, Brett.
But it's all I'm good for.
Don't you see? You're you're a mindless sack of doorknobs whose only talent is is taking commands from somebody else, but, Brett, that's a wonderful attribute to have, pal.
- Really? - Now go limp, Brett.
Come on.
Go limp for me.
The way you look, uh makes me want to want to want to do this.
What is wrong with you? Come on! You've been flirting me up ever since I started this gig! Ugh! Get away from me, you creep! Come on! Go limp.
Go limp.
You're right, Chris.
I'm gonna do it for you, buddy! I'm going limp! Oi, what you doing? Straighten up! Stop it! Looks like you could use a little help.
Pencil! Looks like you could use a little more help! Pen-n-n-c-i-i-i-il! Thanks, Pencil! "You're welcome, Brett.
" Okay.
That's enough, Brett.
That's fine.
Chris, behind you! I was a good guy.
Oh [bleep.]
! Synch by Benfo.
It must be worth millions.
Oh, Susie, please.
Don't be so naive.
Everybody knows that artwork is like female bodybuilders Splendidly beautiful on the outside, but full of drugs on the inside.
Watch this.
I should have learned my lesson with Sherice.
She was a female bodybuilder I dated/slashed.
Well, it's marshal Chris Monsanto and his lackey friends.
Lackey co-workers, if you please, Doolan.
We seldom socialize outside of work.
I usually collect masterpieces, Monsanto.
But tonight, I'm gonna paint one With your blood! - Chris, I'm out of bullets! - Yeah, so am I.
Well, I guess this is it.
Wait, I have an idea.
Here.
Lie flat, Brett.
Lie flat.
Shh, shh, shh, shh! Hey, fellas Batter up! Inspired work, Monsanto.
You took down most of Doolan's gang.
Well, thank you, chief, but you know something? I couldn't have done it without my two partners Swifty and Pete.
What about me, huh? I did, uh, pretty good too, right? I was the bat.
You're right, Brett.
You were indispensable out there And you too, Gun.
And let's not forget about you, Pencil.
Great job filling out that report.
You see, Brett, congratulating you would be a waste of breath, breath we could be using to laugh at you.
Cheer up, pal.
You know, if you hadn't been around to be my human bat, I would have had to use somebody else anybody else, actually.
I'm not just a prop.
What about the time I saved those kids? Oh! So it wasn't my idea to crush my skull? I guess we're the same you and me.
People use us, wave us around, and toss us aside, and there's always another lined up.
Don't listen to those jerks, Brett.
If I were you, I'd quit.
Quit? But what would I do? I've always been with the marshals' office.
Chris is my friend, right? I wouldn't know where else to go.
Why don't you join Doolan's gang? That would show 'em.
Ye-a-a-ah.
Welcome aboard, gentlemen.
I hope you like committing crime, my friends.
Looky what I found Monsanto's human bat.
Hey, fellas.
Tie him up and toss him in the incinerator.
I hope you like being hot, my friend.
I do, but, uh, I'm not a marshal anymore.
I quit the force, and I'm here to join your gang.
So, do I got to fill something out or I brought three forms of I.
D.
If you're not with the marshal, then prove it.
Try this.
Welcome aboard.
It is funny.
Hey, has anyone seen Brett's mouth? I need his teeth.
When I got this, I thought it was a twist-off.
He quit last night.
Chris, Susie, I want you to meet Brett's replacement, Brady Giles.
Ah, how you doin', handsome? The [bleep.]
am I supposed to do with that? Relax.
I'm just clawing with ya.
I like to give people the business the lobster business on account of my [bleep.]
Claws.
Here, let me help you with that.
Wow! Geez, we get Brett's replacement, and as a bonus, he's a freak, too.
Brady, I want you to meet your other partner, Susie.
Ooh, yeah, would I like to pinch those fun bags Snap, snap, snap.
If you touch me, I will snap, snap, snap your head off.
Mm, yum, yum.
Daddy likey.
Snap, snap.
Everybody keep still and quiet that way, nobody gets hurt.
I'm going to the vault, where they keep the money.
Mr.
Horse, make sure no one trips the alarm.
Uh, FYI, guys, we're all gonna be using code names based on animals.
So don't shout an animal, or we might get confused, like if you say "dog," I might think you're talking about Mr.
Dog, my good friend right over here, Carlos Ruiz.
What are you doing, man? Oh, nothing, Mr.
Dog uh, sorry Carlos Ruiz.
It's the police.
Let's get away! Why is this door locked? Oh, I locked it to keep the cops out.
You bloody fool! Check the other exit! I'm jammed.
Okay, I got an idea.
Um, lie down.
Come on.
Hey, lie down.
No! Hands off me, Queerbones! - That's it.
That's it.
- I don't crawl that way! Come on, you're my new bat! - Lay off me, sissy! - Stay still! Leave me alone! Great.
Nice job, crab boy.
Doolan just got away.
[Bleep.]
you, Edward Fingerhands.
God, you suck.
Hey, guys, just off the top of my old spaghetti, next time we rob a bank, we should take the money with us before we leave.
- Can I waste him? - Not yet.
We can still use him for something.
Brett, I want you to tell me everything you know about the marshals' office.
What kind of firepower do they have? What are their intelligence capabilities? Hmm, let me see.
The marshals' office.
Uh, oh.
The toilet clogs if you flush too many magazines.
I see.
My God, I see.
You really are good for nothing.
Well Almost nothing.
You really let us down, Monsanto.
Doolan got away.
It was an utter failure.
You know, chief, I think you'd be singing a different tune if old "Claws Kinski" over here had let me use him as a human bat.
Over the line, Chris.
The man is deformed.
That's all right.
He's just a little steamed because I'm the first guy who wouldn't lie down and get stiff for him.
An alarm just went off at First National Bank.
It's time we finish this.
It's a holdup! Get down! Hands on your heads! Get down on the ground, you! Get down! Hands on your heads! Sit down, all of you! Here.
Freeze! No! Hey, how's it going in there? Brett? What are you doing here, Brett? Oh, hi, Chris.
I joined Doolan's gang.
I'm his bat now.
Hey, kid, I know this is a really weird time to say this, but, uh, I think you're a good cop.
Thanks.
Brett, come on, now.
You you don't have to do this, Brett.
But it's all I'm good for.
Don't you see? You're you're a mindless sack of doorknobs whose only talent is is taking commands from somebody else, but, Brett, that's a wonderful attribute to have, pal.
- Really? - Now go limp, Brett.
Come on.
Go limp for me.
The way you look, uh makes me want to want to want to do this.
What is wrong with you? Come on! You've been flirting me up ever since I started this gig! Ugh! Get away from me, you creep! Come on! Go limp.
Go limp.
You're right, Chris.
I'm gonna do it for you, buddy! I'm going limp! Oi, what you doing? Straighten up! Stop it! Looks like you could use a little help.
Pencil! Looks like you could use a little more help! Pen-n-n-c-i-i-i-il! Thanks, Pencil! "You're welcome, Brett.
" Okay.
That's enough, Brett.
That's fine.
Chris, behind you! I was a good guy.
Oh [bleep.]
! Synch by Benfo.