Empty Nest (1988) s01e09 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something i will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on oh, Laverne, would you make reservations for two at the clubhouse? a little dinner before the jai-alai matches tonight.
Fine.
Did I ever tell you about the time that Lenny and I yes.
I haven't told you anything yet.
I have heard it all.
Pitching pennies in the schoolyard.
The time you both got caught with the national geographics.
And that unfortunate incident with the training bras and shoe Polish.
Well now that he's moved moved to Miami we'll be working on some new stories for you.
Well, I am just thrilled beyond belief.
Now, room 3, sick kid.
Room 2, sick kid.
Room 1, hypochondriac.
- Jeffrey millstein's here? - Uh-huh.
Here we go again.
Well, Jeffery.
- How are we today? - Horrible.
I think I've got prostate problems.
Well, I doubt that.
You hardly have a prostate.
I have all the classic symptoms.
Insomnia.
Irritability.
Weak stream.
Well, exactly where does it hurt this time? I've got a dull pain right here.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, this could be just a plain, old-fashioned tummy ache.
Not possible.
I watch my diet.
Eat low sodium.
Low sugar.
Maybe it's cholesterol.
My school lunch program's loaded with saturated fats.
Well, you may be right.
There could be something there.
But we would need some further testing to confirm.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think that we should schedule you for an upper g.
I.
Series, which as you know is a very unpleasant test.
That's the one where you have to drink that horrible-tasting liquid barium.
Perhaps I better rethink this, Dr.
Weston.
Maybe I'll just go home and eat something binding.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Charles.
Thought maybe you want to do something tonight.
Oh, sorry.
I can't.
I have plans with Leonard.
Him again.
You've been seeing an awful lot of this guy since he moved here.
- Yeah, a few times.
- Six.
- What? - Six times.
The boat show Thursday was five and dinner at Joe's stone crab was six.
Charley, what is going on here? You like him better than me.
Charley, come on.
I didn't hear a "no, I don't.
" - Harry.
- Hey.
Grapefruit from my own private tree.
Thanks.
That's great.
I'll tell you, it's a real culture shock when you move from Syracuse to Miami.
It's 5 degrees there.
It's 83 degrees here.
Just for old time's sake, I got up this morning and shoveled off my walk.
- Ahem.
- Oh, yes.
Excuse me.
Leonard, ts is my neighbor Charley.
Charley, this is I know, I know.
Your best friend.
Lenny.
I guess you guys are pretty tight, huh? Yes.
That we are.
Be hard to find something we haven't done together.
Oh, yeah? You guys ever play the game where two guys get together, drink beer, and one guy makes a joke, tries to make the other guy spit beer through his nose? That's the kind of thing you do with a real friend.
I better go.
Look, Charley, we're going to jai-alai.
You're welcome to join us.
No thanks.
I'll find something else to do.
Oh, by the way, jai-alai, that's seven.
Seven times.
Is it me or does he remind you of that kid we used to beat up? Yeah.
I had a real scary experience this morning, Harry.
I was in the supermarket and this not-bad-looking woman comes up to me, asks me if I'm shopping for my wife, I tell her "no, I'm a widower," and then she starts hitting on me.
I'm a grown man, Harry.
But I fled.
I couldn't handle it.
No.
Me neither.
Has it occurred to you that we are both in exactly the same place we were 40 years ago? Yeah.
When we were 15, we couldn't handle women either.
True.
But at least then we can lie and brag to the guys how we made out.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, uncle Leonard.
Is it okay if we use your vcr? We rented a couple movies.
Yes.
Another thrilling Friday night.
If I'm feeling really madcap, I may return them without rewinding.
What'd you get? I got pee-wee's big adventure.
Judgment at nuremberg.
Come on.
Forget about the movies.
Come with us to jai-alai.
Again? We've been out with you guys three times this week.
Come on.
It's fun.
It's exciting.
You can win a lot of money.
Oh, it does sound fun.
Maybe we should go.
No.
You all go ahead.
I can't condone any sport that involves cruelty to animals.
There are no animals in jai-alai.
- There are no roosters? - No.
Oh.
Okay then.
I wonder what that thing is I've been donating to.
Oh, come on.
Let's go.
God, it was amazing how you hit that 3-4 perfecta.
This has never happened to me.
I am $288 richer.
And I have you to thank for it.
All I said was don't bet on the guy with the cast.
Awfully late for a work night.
Charley, I don't remember giving you a key.
I was watching the solid gold dancers on your 35-inch screen.
Only I was too depressed to enjoy it.
Looking at those dancers, I kept thinking "thighs you can always see, but friends, those are rare.
" I think you've got a bumper sticker there.
Come on, Charley, join us.
We're gonna have a little coffee, a little conversation.
Sure.
Intentionally pick something you know I'm not interested in.
Decaf okay for everybody? - Oh, I'll help you, daddy.
- No, you stay, baby.
I can't stay, I've got to get up early and catch a plane to New York.
Wait.
What? You're going to New York? Yes.
I'm a material witness in the mancuso multiple-stabbing case.
Try to take in a show, dear.
Oh, Leonard, I got a little surprise for you.
Oh, you found the old photo album.
No, you guys sit.
You enjoy that.
I'm gonna kill your father for this.
He's only doing this to remind me of how old we are.
Oh, come on.
You're not old.
Oh, no? Watch this.
You can actually see my hairline receding.
When you get to my crew cut, don't laugh too much.
Oh, is that you and daddy? Yeah, that's me dressed as an Indian and your dad dressed as a cop.
Cops and Indians? Your dad forgot to call me before he left the house that day.
Here we are in a canoe at summer camp.
Forget that one.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
What was that back there? Ah! Don't let her see that picture of us mooning.
- Too late, daddy.
- Yeah.
Your dad got expelled for that one because he took the rap for both of us as usual.
Oh, now, this is an interesting one.
This was our first double date.
Those are the Huber twins.
The Huber twins? Yes.
They're very attractive.
Yes, they are.
And this one is I don't know what this one is.
Hey, have you guys seen the one of me in the Bermuda shorts yet? Ohoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
- Whew.
- Yeah, whew.
- Good.
- Great.
Great.
Good.
Then why didn't I feel anything? Oh, my god, I'm glad you said that.
I didn't either.
I felt nothing, Leonard.
Nothing.
A vacuum.
Less than nothing.
Zip.
That's okay.
I get it.
Thank you.
You know what this is.
It's guilt.
We've been seeing each other for over a week and we haven't told him yet.
I think you're right.
It is guilt.
I know it can't be me.
I'm making all my usual moves here.
Maybe we should tell him.
Are you nuts? Harry has a temper.
I know from experience.
He caught me once making eyes at his Huber twin.
This would probably bother him even more.
So what are we gonna do? Well, we could be wrong.
Could be wrong about this guilt thing.
Nope.
Nope.
Not wrong.
It feels like Harry's in here watching us, looking down in judgment.
Leonard, that's silly.
I love your father.
I don't want to hurt him.
I agree.
Let's hurt him a little bit.
No.
You're right.
We can't do this.
I feel like I'm betraying my best friend.
So what are we going to do? Anything? Remember that young hypochondriac you cured? - Jeffrey millstein? - he's back Jeffrey.
Wow.
Little surprised to see you here.
Dr.
Weston, I've decided to take that upper g.
I.
Series.
- You have? - Yes.
And just to be sure, you better give me lower g.
I.
As well.
As you know, this is a very complicated procedure.
I'm all prepped.
I've taken the Liberty of having my colon irrigated.
Jeffrey, there is nothing wrong with you.
What I would like you to do is talk to an associate of mine.
A different kind of doctor.
Oh, a specialist? A therapist.
He can talk with you and he'll help you work out some of these problems.
His office is not in a high-rise, is it? I have a phobia about that.
No, no, no.
It's the ground floor.
You'll love him.
I promise you.
Please.
Now you tell your dad that I'll stop by his office and I'll talk to him about this, all right? - Okay.
- Okay.
Jeffrey, your first session, I would bring up that colon irrigation thing.
Right.
- Hi, Harry.
- Len! Where the heck have you been? I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks.
That's right.
That's right.
That's why I came to talk to you.
You see, I've been seeing this woman.
Ah.
Len, I'm so happy for you.
I wouldn't get too happy just yet.
You see, the woman I've been dating is Carol.
My Carol? I know this isn't easy for you.
We didn't plan it this way.
We tried to fight against it.
But we just like each other too much.
That's all.
Harry? Are you all right, Harry? I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm calm.
This is calmness here.
I'm dealing.
I'm dealing with this.
You're seeing you're seeing me dealing with this.
I'm proud of you, Harry.
You have really grown since the Huber twin incident.
Yeah, well, I shouldn't be shocked.
I mean, it is the '80s, right? I mean, you know, guys are getting perms.
Girls are pumping iron.
Acid rain.
Global warming.
And my best friend is dating my firstborn.
Harry, relax.
Take it easy.
I am relaxed.
And it is easy.
It's okay.
There is a peace.
There is a calmness.
And there is a tranquility.
And there is an age difference of 25 years.
- Maybe I better go.
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
No, please, don't go.
Len, please just let me Let me throw you out.
Get out! Get out of my office, you rat! You turncoat! You cradle robber! Uh, perhaps I'll bring Samantha back for her shot tomorrow.
Watch out for the guy in the elevator.
Keep an eye on your daughter.
Hi, Harry.
What's new? Well, if you must know, Charley, I'm not in the best of moods.
By the way, I'd like you to meet Rick.
- Hello, Rick.
- Hi.
I'm in valet parking.
Rick is my new best friend.
Yeah, he's my new number one amigo.
You may have Leonard, but the rickster here is my new main man.
Charley, Leonard and I are not exactly best friends anymore.
- Really? - He's been dating Carol.
Ooh.
Bad move.
Barbara's the party girl.
So I guess you and Leonard are on the outs, huh? You could say that.
Does Leonard have a history of doing this kind of stuff? Look, Rick, I really don't feel like discussing this with you.
Hey, Rick, the magic's gone.
Beat it.
For 20 bucks, you think you could rent a friend with a little more class.
Boy, after this Rick thing, I really know what you're going through with Leonard.
Want to talk about it? No.
I don't.
I really don't.
Okay, pal.
See you around.
Hi, Carol.
What's old? Ha! - We need to talk.
- Oh.
Huh? Had a little chat with Leonard? Daddy, I can imagine what you're feeling.
This must be very weird for you.
Yes, a little.
My 55-year-old best friend and my daughter.
Next thing you know, we'll all be on Geraldo.
Daddy, you don't know how lucky I am to find someone like Leonard.
Do you know the kind of guys that are out there? I'll tell you.
There are men who swear they're divorced but just can't seem to get away on Christmas.
Men whose idea of a night out dancing is running naked around your couch.
And my personal favorite, the vampire men, who find it necessary to leave before the sun comes up.
Suddenly this man comes along and, yes, he's my dad's best friend and yes, he's older, but he's sweet, and he's sensitive, and he mes me feel good.
And daddy, he listens to me.
Stop it.
You're making me want to date him.
What I'm trying to say is We would like you to be okay with this.
How can I look at you with that face and tell you you can't have what you want so very much? - So? - So Dr.
Philips said there's nothing physically wrong with me at all.
The core of my conflict is unconscious anger towards my parents.
Uh, Jeffrey, I'm so glad it's working out for you.
Don't touch me.
My hostility extends to all authority figures.
- Is Harry here? - He's in there.
But if you set him to hollering again, I'll be on you like bugs on a windshield.
All right, good boy, Jeff.
I'll see you in time.
Harry, I need to talk to you about Carol.
Have you got a minute? It depends.
Is the word "grandfather" gonna be coming up? - No.
- Good.
Come in.
Just thought I should tell you that I'm not gonna be seeing your daughter anymore.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Excuse me.
I think I have something in my eye.
So what was the problem? I just realized that for the past two weeks, I've been very flattered by the attentions of a pretty young woman.
Carol made me feel great.
She had me turning cartwheels.
Harry, I have back problems.
I'm too old to turn cartwheels.
All right, Leonard, let's get this over with very quickly, okay? I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
All right, so how is my Carol taking this? That's the other thing i wanted to talk to you about.
I haven't exactly told her yet.
I was hoping you would.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.
But, Harry, you can explain it to her much better than I could.
No, no, no, no.
This is one jam i am not bailing you out of.
This is my daughter you're talking about.
You made your bed and you can just Strike that.
It's very bad wording.
Harry, if it was anybody but Carol, I could handle it.
But you know how emotional she is.
Every time a relationship ends, she falls apart.
Remember when she broke up with that artist? Every time she saw a bowl of fruit, she cried.
All right.
All right.
I'll do it.
Seeing as how we got gridlock in the waiting room, I thought I'd bring in your diploma to remind you you do have the proper credentials to deal with it.
So he tells me he's dating Carol.
I call him "cradle robber," throw him out of my office.
Now Carol comes over.
She tells me she's dating vampires.
So I said "go ahead.
Then see Leonard.
" Now Leonard's back and he's telling me he's breaking up with Carol because of his back problem.
Like somehow the cartwheel thing is all my fault.
Daddy, I've only been gone two weeks.
I mean, even in soap operas, it takes at least a year for this much stuff to happen.
Well, it happened.
And now I have to break up with your sister.
Gah.
Carol and uncle Leonard.
That's bizarre.
I mean, he's your age.
Listen, baby, help me with this kind of breaking up stuff here.
Which of these approaches would be easier on Carol? "Carol, it's all for the best" or "Carol, it's like two ships that pass in the night"? But uncle Leonard He's so old! Barbara, could you please be repulsed for a different reason? Hi, Barbara.
I have a boyfriend.
New York was fine, thank you.
What's up, daddy? When I got home, there were five messages on my machine from you all telling me what a wonderful, wonderful girl I am.
Well, you are, my sweetheart.
You are a wonderful, wonderful girl.
Please.
Here.
Sit down, babe.
There.
Now listen.
What I wanted to talk to you about is Ships.
- Ships? - Old ships.
I'll get-I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Daddy was telling me about you and uncle Leonard.
- Isn't it incredible? - Yeah.
How often do you have to dust him? Harry, it's the strangest thing.
I was off the hook.
I was home free.
And then I started feeling guilty.
This picture of you came into my mind.
You were looking down on me in judgment.
You've been doing that a lot lately.
Anyway, if somebody has to speak to Carol, it should be me.
So you're saying you don't want me to bail you out of this one? No.
You haven't told her yet? No, I have not.
And she's in the kitchen.
She's here? Boy.
You accept a little responsibility and it comes right smack at you.
Oh.
Carol.
Leonard's here.
Oh, he's here.
Carol, I don't want you to go out there and get hurt.
There's something that you should know.
Uncle Leonard is about to dump you.
This is a good speech you got here, Leonard.
There's no question about that.
But I'd leave out this "maybe sometime" "we can go bowling" part.
Hello, Carol.
Leonard, I want to talk to you.
Oh, then I'll just go in the kitchen.
No, daddy, i want you to hear this.
Leonard, the past two weeks have been beautiful, fun, and romantic.
But I got caught up in something that wasn't really love.
It's over, Leonard.
Carol, I wasn't expecting this.
That's okay.
At your age, there's a good chance your mind will fuzz this whole thing out.
Good night, daddy.
Night, uncle Leonard.
You okay? Thanks for the warning, Barbara.
I owe you one.
Well, at least this way i still have my dignity and my self-respect.
And, god willing, enough money to go out and buy a marble cake.
It's funny, I came here to break up with Carol and now I feel lousy.
Len, come here.
Sit down.
Come over here with me.
Let me talk to you like your old friend here.
You see, it's like two ships passing in the night.