Evening Shade s01e09 Episode Script

Evening Shade Edge of the glade Not much to do Ain't we got it made? Cool porch swing and some lemonade This is Arkansas at its best In Evening Shade Evening breeze rustling the leaves Just you and me and the birds and the bees Ain't life grand when you can live it with ease in Arkansas In the cool evening breeze? It's morning in Evening Shade, and Ava Evans Newton, our prosecuting attorney, is getting ready for another day of plea bargains, zealous defenders, extradition and due process.
She's been at her new job for two weeks, and she's still getting used to it.
But then so is her family.
Look, you don't understand.
We, we don't have separate cells.
That's why we chain 'em to the floor.
That's right, basically.
He destroyed a gas station and cut a man's head off.
Mom's job's kind of rough, huh? Yes, it is.
Don't forget, you have to drive me to Brownies after school.
Oh, honey, ride your bike over to the Brownies, okay? I gotta take Will to the dentist.
Why can't Mom take him? Because your mom has a tough case this week.
She's gonna be home late.
Ew! Make him close his mouth when he eats! Close your mouth when you eat.
That reminds me, Mom, I, uh, I need that $20 for Key Club dues.
What are you asking her for? Why don't you ask me? Because you never have any money.
I've got money.
Don't be ridiculous.
How much money do you need? $20.
$20.
Okay, $20.
$20.
I don't have $20.
I've got $20.
You want to loan it to me? Write me a check? That's okay.
Here.
Thank you.
Look, I gotta go.
Don't forget to tell Lucille to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
Bye.
Lucille's day off today, honey.
She won't be here until tomorrow.
Oh, my gosh.
I need a suit pressed for court in the morning.
I've got to work on my opening statement for the jury tonight.
Yeah, well, you know I didn't know when you were elected prosecuting attorney that I was never gonna see you again for the rest of my life.
How do I get an appointment? You could always rob a liquor store.
I can't this afternoon.
I gotta take Will to the dentist.
Oh, honey, since the cleaners is next door to the dentist, do you think you could get my blue suit pressed? I could pick it up after work.
Oh, wait, no, no, no.
I've got a 5:00 budget meeting with the mayor.
I'll do it.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Dad? Hmm? Will you put this barrette in? Sure.
Dad? Huh? I swallowed my tooth.
Good.
Then we won't have to go to the dentist.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, hey, Nub.
Hi, Nub.
Mr.
Stiles, I just come by your house and saw this note that the mailman left for you.
I figured I'd better take it before somebody stole it.
Thank you.
Looks like you got a package.
Oh, it's nothing important.
It's just something from my hair club.
You belong to a hair club? Yeah.
I saw about it in this magazine.
They send you a treatment once a month.
They have to mail it fresh, though, 'cause it's got some kind of animal urine in it.
You put urine on your head? Well, it's not like I go to the hospital and steal bedpans or something.
It's a very rare, exotic animal urine.
Go ahead, feel my head.
I got a new growth coming in.
No.
I, I don't want to feel your head.
I don't want to be in the same room with your head.
Hey, have I ever told you all about my two weeks in Yellowstone Park? No.
That's good.
That was a very special time, and I don't feel like sharing it.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, you got that ball, now I'm ready to go.
That guy kinda has trouble staying on the subject, doesn't he? Yeah.
Coach? Hmm? You're awfully distracted today.
No.
I'm, I'm fine.
Oh, come on now.
This is your old buddy Herman you're talking to.
What kind of problem is it? Is it personal, professional or domestic? I don't want to talk about it.
Domestic.
You know what we gotta do first is we gotta pinpoint the source of your stress.
Well, it's, it's not stress, really.
It's, uh it's Ava's job.
You know, it's turned out to be a lot harder than we both thought.
She doesn't get home until 8:00 or 9:00 at night sometimes and she brings all these papers with her, you know? I don't know why she can't leave her papers at the office.
I- I leave all my papers at the office.
You teach P.
E.
Well, anyway, I get off at 3:00, and I think they're taking advantage of me because I have to, you know, run these kids to dance class and piano lessons and gymnastics.
And then their friends, I have to take them all over the place.
And nobody ever says "Thank you.
" You know, you are being kind of whiny.
Who asked you? All right, now you've given me some information I can work something with.
Sounds to me, Coach, like what's happening is you're having what's called a traditional response complicated by the fact that there's a new and less stable set of guidelines governing modern relationships.
Geraldo had a two-parter on it last week.
I'll let you borrow my tape.
But he had five guys, just like you, sitting in swivel chairs, just pouring their hearts out.
I don't want to talk about it.
Denial.
No.
You're feeling guilty.
And I'll tell you why you're feeling guilty.
Because you're supposed to be this liberated husband in this modern two-career marriage, who's not only supporting his wife but also helping out with the chores.
But then you know what happens? Suddenly, your wife gets this job that you think's maybe a little more important than your job, where she's making just a little bit more money than you're making, and you start to feel resentful because you feel like you're having to take on more than your share of the chores.
You know, just like women used to feel in traditional relationships.
But then, you start to feel guilty about feeling resentful because it's no longer a socially acceptable reaction.
Don't you have to go to the post office and pick up your urine? Hello, Coach Newton, Mr.
Stiles.
Oh, hi, Miss Beausoleil.
Miss Fontana.
Oh, please sit.
Oh, listen, how's that jack-in-the-box costume I made for your striptease act working out? Fine.
The crank fell off, but I taped it back on.
I just heard from your father-in-law.
He says to say "Hello.
" It was such an honor for him to be chosen out of all those small-town editors to go cover the Middle East.
I just wish I could've gone with him.
Yeah, I'm sure the troops wish that, too.
Now, you're a woman.
That's right.
Did you see the Geraldo last Thursday and Friday? "Traditional Men, Modern Women?" Mm-hmm.
That was so interesting.
I saw something practically just like it on Phil Donahue the week before.
Coach here seems to be suffering from househusband burnout.
Just like Roger from Detroit.
Exactly.
Don't you have something to do? Like what? I don't know.
Go in the men's room and find something to put on your hair.
I'll tell you something else, too.
You know the biggest place that stresses out husbands? Supermarkets.
Because they're afraid they're gonna make mistakes 'cause they're amateurs.
That's why supermarkets have started putting in those aisles where they sell motor oil.
It's so that the husbands'll have a place where they can go and stand and feel secure and ask each other questions like, "Hey, buddy, "if your woman asks you to buy a turkey, do they mean for you to buy that bag of guts, too?" Hello, everybody.
Oh, hey, Miss Eldridge.
Oh, no, no, no, please sit down.
You know, Wood, I don't believe that I have met your friend.
Oh, this is the lovely Fontana Beausoleil, Merleen Eldridge.
This is such a pleasure.
I just have to tell you, Miss Merleen, I've admired you for years.
You have? I just love your clothes.
Oh, you do? I saw you at the Wal-Mart last week, and you had on those pink suede pants with the lace-up crotch.
Oh, well.
Where are you going? To the kitchen.
I gotta check on the meat.
Can I get something for you ladies? Oh, no.
I just came by to pick up my order.
Oh, yes.
I'll get it for you right away.
Oh, Wood, you haven't even touched your lunch.
Oh, I, I wasn't very hungry, Merleen.
He's having problems at home.
Oh Oh, no.
Oh, oh, and, and I interrupted your talking to Miss Beausoleil about it.
In your line of work, you must have men pouring their hearts out to you all the time.
It must be sort of like being a, a psychiatrist or, or a prostitute.
Not that I'm implying that you're either one of those.
Oh, it's okay; I know what you meant.
You know, since we are talking candidly here, there is something that I have always wanted to ask you.
Well, I kind of hate to ask you in front of Herman and, and Wood here, but, oh, well.
Well, my husband Harlan has already talked about it in front of them, anyway.
Well, he saw your act one night, and he was just absolutely fascinated by how you were able to make your one tassel go east and the other one go west, and both of them spinning about a hundred miles an hour at the same time.
Now, I don't care what anybody says, that is a gift.
Is Mom home yet? No, she's not.
How come she wasn't here for dinner? Well, maybe she got held up.
Right.
I bet she's having an affair.
That's very funny.
I like it when my daughter combines sarcasm with adult sexual humor.
Don't get wound up or anything.
I was only kidding.
When she comes home, don't jump on her, okay? I'm first.
I'm older than you.
I got some things to talk about.
What do you want to talk to her about? I need help with my homework.
Well, you could have come to me about that, you know? I'm not some ex no-necked football player, you know.
I mean, I'm a nurturing father.
I'm a college graduate.
It's math.
Talk to your mother; she'll be home in a minute.
Hi, sweetie, two sweeties.
Sorry I'm so late.
Mom, I really need help Honey, I'm first, okay? You go upstairs.
I'll, I'll send her up in a little while.
Oh, you found your way home, huh? I said I was sorry.
The kids get their dinner? Well, everything they can reasonably expect from a single parent.
Uh Dinner's ruined.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Oh, suit yourself.
You know, I called you Nobody answered.
What if I was some desperate criminal that wanted to confess? I wasn't at the office.
I tried to call you, but there was a line at the pay phone.
I just figured I could get home faster.
Well, you may not be able to cook, but you sure are pretty.
That's very funny.
If you want to emasculate me, why don't you go all the way? I'm just teasing.
Yeah, well, I don't want to be teased right now, okay? If you want biscuits, you have to make them yourself.
The gravy's a little overdone.
What is this about? Come here, you.
Don't be mad.
Mm.
You've been drinking.
I had one Moosey.
One what? A Moosey.
It's a non-alcoholic beer.
I don't drink when I'm pregnant, remember? Oh, that's great.
That's great.
You know, I'm slaving over a hot stove all day long, and you're bopping around from one juke joint to the other, guzzling down Mooseys.
We went to the Holiday Inn to get some work done.
I- I couldn't stay at work.
The phones were ringing.
That was me calling.
Look, honey, I'm sorry I ruined your dinner, but I thought you'd be more understanding.
I just started this new job, and you know, I'm saddled with enormous responsibility.
I thought you were behind me.
I am behind you with a mop and a broom.
And I'm tired of swishing around this kitchen with an apron on.
I need a little attention too, you know.
I had a haircut two days ago.
You didn't even notice.
Oh, you did.
It's nice.
No, too late.
Too late.
Come on, Wood.
We're talking about a haircut.
It's more than that.
It's this job of yours.
You, you made it too important.
You don't listen to my problems anymore.
I have to listen to your problems all the time.
All right, I'm home now, right? Yeah.
Come on, sit down.
Let's talk about your problems.
All right.
Now, this, this may not be a big deal down at the halls of justice, but you know, you know Carl, the-the mule, the mascot? Mm-hmm.
He's got the gout.
I have to make a decision as to whether to put him to sleep or not.
Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.
Are you? Yes.
What's wrong with you? I I just don't think you really care about Carl.
You just don't seem to listen when I talk, you know.
I mean, you come in at night, and I talk and talk, and you read your paper.
And then you go upstairs, and you take that stupid briefcase with you, and you put it right in the bed between us.
And five'll get you ten, I roll right over on top of it in the middle of the night not to mention the fact that you just keep snapping it open and snapping it shut.
Just a snappy little way of telling me that you're smarter than anybody in this house.
Now you're really starting to act immature.
Oh, yeah? You want to you want to see immature? I'll show you immature.
I want you to take this apron and I'll fold it on all five sides, and you can put it anywhere you want to put it, because I am not some little wimp on the Phil Donahue Show.
I'm a football coach a cigar smoking, poker playing, baseball cap wearing football coach, and I'm gonna stay that way the rest of my life.
Where are you going? To my mom's.
This is a big waste of time, you making up that sofa, when you know good and well you're gonna wake up in the middle of the night and go home to your wife.
Oh, stop bitching, will ya? Anyway, if you're tired as you say you are, you ought to sleep in a bed.
Well, I ain't gonna sleep in your bed with you.
You got that right.
I mean sleep in your own bed.
Why didn't you go to your mother's? I told you, she's out of town.
Hey, you got anything to drink? What do you got in mind? Heinekens? No.
You got any beer? No.
How about water? You know where the kitchen is.
I'm supposed to be a guest.
You're not a guest; you're a freeloader.
If you want service, come to the restaurant during business hours.
I never come to your house after work and ask you to lose a football game.
That's very funny.
You know, you're not that witty down at the place, you know.
That was almost pithy.
I'm not afraid of losing tips here.
Ah.
You think that's gonna be enough cover for you? Yeah, this'll be okay.
You want to get out of here so I can go to sleep? You know, you ought to pamper yourself more.
Mm.
Get a facial.
I saw that on Geraldo.
Well, I'm getting sick of Geraldo.
Let me ask you something.
Don't you think that people should have the common decency to come home for dinner when you make a casserole? What kind of casserole? Tuna casserole.
Not only that; you know, the kids are starting to hate me because I discipline them all the time.
And then when she comes home, they just run in her arms like she's the only parent they got, you know? And when she talks to me, she only talks to me about criminals and lawyers and people that chop people's heads off.
Are you ready to go to sleep? Yeah.
Am I keeping you up? I'm sorry.
Don't mention it.
And one more thing.
Yeah? Don't snore unless you hear me snore first.
If you get up before I do, don't use all the hot water.
And don't use my towel.
Which towel is yours? My towel is the big, soft, fluffy one.
Yours says Howard Johnson.
Why aren't you dressed? It's 3:15 in the afternoon.
You shouldn't have turned that off.
Geraldo's got hermaphrodites on today.
Now, you know, you've been hiding out here for two whole days.
And instead of getting better, you are getting worse.
At least the first day you went to work.
And I'm not gonna call in sick for you anymore, and I'm not writing any more notes.
I am sick.
I got a cold.
I want you out of here.
I- I want my life back.
I want my house back.
I want to come home at the end of the day and relax in my easy chair and watch the news.
Now when I come home, your junk is in my easy chair, and you are watching Wheel of Fortune.
Yeah, you're just jealous because I'm better at Wheel of Fortune than you are.
I'll go on that show and win us both easy chairs.
I don't want your easy chair in my house.
You put your easy chair in your house.
As a matter of fact, why don't you go over to your house and see where you're going to put your easy chair? I told you, I'll go home when Ava calls and apologizes.
I'll give you a hundred dollars.
Hi, Ponder.
Frieda! Come on in.
Wood Newton How you doing, Frieda? Oh, my Lord! Ooh, you really did have you let yourself just fall to pieces, haven't you? Listen, if you keep on like this, you're gonna wind up just like Nub Oliver.
And then we can all watch the two of you just rolling around town in little matching wagons.
What did you want, Frieda? Well, I just came by to check on you.
What did you do with my mail? It's-it's under that stuff there somewhere.
I cannot believe you just sit around here all day? You don't talk to anybody? I talked to the mailman today.
He came in, we had a cup of coffee.
You'll be interested in this, Frieda.
He told me that his sister had all of her ovaries taken out.
And about ten years later, she went to the hospital, you know, just to have her check-up.
They grew back isn't that amazing? Now you see what I'm up against.
I come home, and all he wants to talk about is whether Philip is gonna get back in time for Beth to have her baby on Guiding Light.
Well, it's plain to see we have got ourselves a major case of depression here.
Oh, I'm not depressed.
I'm just a little tired.
Oh, please! Don't you talk to me about depression.
Now, I know depression.
I was Valentine's queen of the state hospital.
Honey, this is easy to understand.
You and Ava have never been apart in the same town before.
Hell, you never even been apart in the same room.
Well, we're apart now, and apparently, she likes it that way.
Oh, what do you mean? Well, she could have called me.
She's like me.
She's got too much pride.
You just up and left her high and dry.
I didn't leave her high and dry.
Lucille's there.
Lucille is sick.
She's not coming anymore.
I mean, don't worry.
Ava and I have worked it out.
I'm in charge of everything.
See, I'm gonna take the kids out to eat every night.
And then I'm gonna teach them to meditate.
I'm gonna give each one of them their own little mantra.
And, ooh, two nights a week, Taylor and I are gonna drive up to Little Rock, and I intend to introduce him to the wonderful world of ballet.
Where are you going? I'm gonna pack.
Hi.
Hi.
How was Ponder's? It was all right.
I don't think we're ready for a lasting relationship.
I missed you.
Did you? Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry I was such a horse's rear.
No, it was my fault, too.
Well, you know, you could have called me.
I thought about it, but then it seemed like you needed a little rest.
Besides, I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would have asked for me when you called the kids.
I know how hard it's been.
Do you? Mm-hmm.
You forget, you have my old job.
Yeah.
It's a killer.
You could have at least tasted my casserole.
I'm sorry prosecuting attorney is taking up so much more time than I thought.
I really should have taken the time to thank you, though Yeah.
for picking up the slack.
That's okay.
See, I never would have made it as a woman.
Lucky for me.
So how do we resolve this? Oh, we can't.
Life is hard, and then you die.
Welcome home.
Thank you.
What? What are you thinking? Nothing.
I was just picturing you the way I do during the day.
How is that? Wearing nothing but your little apron.
You're bad.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you've got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.