Everybody Loves Raymond s01e09 Episode Script

I think I hear Daddy.
Daddy's coming.
Hey.
- Thanks.
- Listen next time it's Dad's night to cook, you pick it up.
What took you so long? The fast food employees.
Last week, when I was in MontreaI, the employees there are bilingual.
Over here, they're not even lingual.
- Maybe your order was confusing.
- I couldn't make it any simpler.
I said to the guy: "I'd like a hamburger, please.
" And he stares at me.
"A hamburger.
Here, let me draw it for you.
"Hamburger.
"No, not for here.
To go.
"To go.
Here, I'll put little feet on my hamburger.
"See?" Where's the fries? I can't draw fries.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin 2-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Hey, morning.
- Morning, Daddy.
- Good morning.
Anything for breakfast? - How about pancakes? - Great.
Need eggs, butter, milk, syrup, and pancakes.
While you're out, could you go to the bank, a hardware store, and the dry cleaners? I'll just have cereal.
What do you do all day while I'm at work? I entertain men.
Come on, Ally.
Great news, Ray.
You're in.
What am I in, and does it wash off? Every man has certain moments in life that define who he is in the great circle of life.
Tonight, you and I are having such a moment.
I'm not getting naked and letting you hold me up to the moon, Dad.
Not again.
Poker with me and the boys.
No, Dad, please.
Why don't you ask Robert? Your brother's a cop.
He's very sensitive about this gambling thing.
What if he turns us in? You'd like jaiI.
They have crafts.
I don't get it.
You saying no to me? To your father? Dad, I'm not saying no.
I don't want to go.
Don't want to go? After the way you hounded me all those years in high schooI to play? When did I hound you to play cards with your friends? All right, so we didn't talk much during the high schooI years.
I know, I kind of lost track of you.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, we got four guys, we need a fifth.
What? No, I hate those guys.
All they did was make fun of me.
They won't anymore.
Your head's a normaI size now.
Come on.
Do it for the old man.
- Please.
Do I have to? - Attaboy.
Better than Vegas.
Food, fun, fast action.
The new guy brings the Maalox.
- Nemo, what did you make tonight? - Lasagna meatballs.
- You mean lasagna and meatballs? - No.
Lasagna meatballs.
I had to clean out the freezer.
Health inspector? You want me to talk to him? Like you talked to the judge at your divorce triaI, Garvin? I did okay on that settlement.
You're living at the frigging Y.
Here he is! Here's my boy! - Here I am.
- Hey, Ray! This it, Dad? This is everybody? Frank, this skavooch says he would only pick change out of a urinal if it was more than $1.
Some of us have principles.
Some of us have 87 cents.
So, Ray, you feeI like a winner? Not really.
Sit down, Ray, over here.
By my good ear.
- Tinnitus.
- What? Come on, guys.
This is how the Ebola virus started.
Ante up, seven card.
No peeking.
Isn't this great? My kid and my pals bonding over a reaI man's game.
No peeking.
Ray, you still doing that sportswriting thing? Yeah.
Tell them about all the awards you've won this year.
All right, come on.
Awards! Wow.
Who would have made that bet? - What? - Nothing personaI but you had the biggest head I'd ever seen on a kid.
- It was huge.
- Freakish.
We used to get calls from the circus.
All right, are we going to play cards or make fun of me all night? Don't worry, kid, we've got plenty of time for both.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Phlegmtones.
I'll make a bet that's as big as my head.
- What are you doing, Dad? - I'm stacking your chips.
Stack your own chips.
All three of them.
You're bluffing, Raymond.
I call.
You call? You better call a doctor.
Full house.
Queens over eights.
Sorry, guys.
I'm in the zone.
Ray, you're not supposed to win all the money.
Yeah, well, perhaps I have an unfair advantage.
All night I've been able to read the reflection of your cards off your shiny noggins.
A little respect.
Don't worry.
The kid's done winning.
Time for a man's game.
Five card draw.
No draw.
That means you play the five cards you are dealt.
Yeah, I figured it out, Dad.
Anybody got any antacid or bicarbonate of soda? - No.
- I don't.
In that case, I fold.
I'll open.
Take it easy.
Dad, why? You don't tell your pals to take it easy.
They're not my son.
Well, I'm not your son here, either, Dad Frank.
We're equals.
I know what I'm doing.
- I'm out.
- I'm out.
What, are you showing off? This is just like when you were a kid you shoved the cocoa puffs up your nose.
I raise you $50.
I was six then.
And they smelled good.
I see you $50, and I raise you $50.
I told you: "Don't put the cocoa puffs up your nose.
" So what do you do? You shove 25 of them up there.
We got to go to the hospitaI.
I see you and I raise you.
Whatever you spent at the hospitaI that night here's your chance to make it all back.
Holy crap! Hi, honey.
What's going on? Why are you home so late? 'Cause I won a lot of money.
That's good.
Then I lost some.
How much? Go to sleep.
- Well, how much? - Not enough to lose sleep over.
- Come on, just tell me.
- Sleep.
All right, don't sleep, but you're going to be cranky tomorrow.
Did you lose more than $50? Yeah.
- You didn't lose $100, did you? - No.
Hundreds.
How many hundreds? What? - How many hundreds? - Twenty-three.
To my dad.
You lost $2,300 to your father? Relax, we're going to get the money back.
- How? - When he dies.
I can't believe you lost all that money.
Look, it's my dad's fault.
He kept telling me to fold, like I was a little kid.
So you showed him by losing all your money to him? That's right.
I'm my own man.
In case you haven't noticed, we have three kids to put through college.
Maybe we'll get lucky and they won't be college materiaI.
I thought we were saving to buy a bigger house so we could move away from this neighborhood.
Look, you think I wanted to lose that much money? I know it was wrong but you got to know I had a very good reason.
You had a very good reason? It's like when your father tells you not to put cocoa puffs up your nose.
Not the cocoa puff story again.
What's the first thing you want to do? Put cocoa puffs up your nose.
So now you're cuckoo.
Don't you see, it's the same thing as 30 years ago.
He kept telling me to stop betting, so- - I get it.
- Good.
Okay.
I feeI better.
Let's forget about this whole thing and get some sleep.
Just forget about $2,300? Okay, you want to beat it into the ground.
I'm thankfuI that you lost it to your father.
Why? Because you can go there and ask for it back.
- I can't do that.
- Why? I'm not a child! No, you're a mature adult who lost $2,300 because his daddy told him not to.
All right, I am a child.
But if I go back and ask for the money back, then I'm a baby.
I don't want to be a baby.
Quit pushing.
Frank, do it.
I'm not giving Ray's check back.
I won it fair and square.
If you don't give Ray his money, you're not the man I married.
I win again.
- I can't take the money back, Ma.
- Yes, you can.
Frank, please.
Forget it, I want to teach him a lesson.
Don't get in over your head.
Play with fire, you're going to get burned.
And most importantly thank you, come again.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
You would actually deprive your own flesh and blood of money? He needs to feed his family.
We're okay, Ma.
Look how they live over here, Frank.
The want.
- What's going on over here? - Nothing.
What are you doing here? I'm a policeman.
I come home at 3:00 a.
m.
No Mom, no Dad, no sandwich.
I start to worry.
Robbie, it's the worst.
I've never been so upset in my life.
Don't tell him.
He's a cop.
- Tell me what? - Nothing.
Ray and Frank played poker tonight, and Ray lost $2,300 to your father.
Why don't you tell him I cry during sex? You played for reaI money? You broke the law? We gambled.
Nobody got hurt.
I see.
So it's not against the law unless somebody gets hurt? Interesting.
- Robert, want some ice cream? - No, can't stay.
Got to go tell the pushers and the muggers and the ladies of the evening that it's not against the law unless somebody gets hurt.
Mio famiglia.
- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hi, Grandma.
- What are you doing? - We're frosting cupcakes.
How nice.
Frosting from a can.
So much easier than homemade.
What can I do for you, Marie? Darling, will you go wash your face for Grandma? That's a good girI.
Thanks.
This is for you.
But I thought Frank- No, he doesn't know anything about that.
This is my money.
You have money? My father, such a wise man.
On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200 and said: "Here, this is if you ever come to your senses and leave Frank.
" Wow.
My dad only gave me $50.
For 45 years now, I've been adding to it little by little.
Who knows how long my marriage will last, right? Money is freedom.
So how free are you? $46,000.
What? Yep.
It's our secret now.
Hi.
- Hi, Ma.
- Hi, dear.
- How you doing? - Fine.
Okay, Debra, give Mom the money back.
How did you know? Ma, look at you two.
When was the last time you two were smiling together? Exactly.
Now give it back to her.
- Ray, please.
- No, get out of here.
Go.
Don't make me turn the hose on you.
Thanks.
You're welcome, you stubborn ass.
You were going to keep that money, weren't you? If it wasn't for you and your stupid pride, trying to outdo your dad you'd never have lost that money in the first place.
Wrong.
I happen to stink at poker, and I would have lost the money anyway.
That's how much you know.
- You're not talking to me? - No.
I just keep winning.
- Hi, Ray.
- Look what I found in Ally's piggy bank.
$2,300.
Isn't she thrifty? Come on, Ma.
I'll tell you, it wasn't easy trying to wrestle it out of her hands.
- What did you do? - I gave him $2,300.
We're not keeping his money.
- Where did you get $2,300? - Never mind.
I don't want it, Ma.
All right, freeze.
- Robbie, shouldn't you be at work? - I'm at work right now.
I heard the whole thing.
This could get ugly.
Ma, I'm going to ask you to leave.
- You're telling me to leave my own- - Now! Please.
Look what you've done to my boys.
All right, you guys.
Sit down.
Right now, the both of you.
Let's go.
Right here.
- You guys want a cup of coffee? - Okay.
We'll just see how it goes.
Now let's get one thing straight.
The both of you broke the law.
The law that I've sworn to uphold.
The only thing that could alter that fact is if no money changed hands on the night in question at one Nemo's Pizzeria and Homemade Specialties.
- This is between me and Dad.
- That's right.
We're perfectly fine.
Everything's perfectly fine? You don't think I know that you're the tip of the iceberg? You're going down, Pops.
And when you do, you're going to bring down Eddie, and Stan, and that divorced Garvin.
You're not going to do anything.
I'm not going to do anything? You want to try me? Come on! Listen, kid I understand what you're going through.
It's not your fault 'cause you got mixed up with a bad element.
What are you doing? Good cop, bad cop.
It's just taking me a little longer 'cause there's only one of me.
I know why you're doing this.
- It's because we didn't invite you to play.
- No.
My second-rate status in this family has no bearing on my professionaI responsibilities.
- There's another game next week.
- Too late! Enough already.
I'm leaving.
For the last time, I'm not taking the money.
I lost it, that's all.
I'm a big boy.
If I take the money, what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happens you can just go to your father and he'll make everything okay? You're right.
What am I right about? You should be able to go to your father and he should be able to make it okay.
Here.
Be a good father, big head.
Thanks, Dad.
What's the matter with you? I'm just glad it all worked out.
I didn't want to have to cuff you guys.
I'm glad, too.
And it might have worked out very well.
That's still my money.
Well, you wanted to play cards, we're playing cards.
What you got? Pair of fives.
Full house.
Jacks over eights.
Okay, Diamond Jim, take it off.
I'm cold.