Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
You engaged in copulatory shenanigans
with Godcat?
- Gross.
- You know how weddings are.
We had some drinks.
We slow-danced to Snow Patrol.
Their soft yet rocking jams
can turn on anyone's faucet.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
- Are you telling Godcat?
- I don't know!
The final challenge begins
in five minutes.
Also, if you're the owner of
a white unicorn with the rainbow buttocks,
- your unicorn is being towed.
- Oh.
[hyperventilating]
Okay, listen to me.
Everything you said was true.
You are the best one for this job.
You were born to do this.
Okay. Yeah, you're right.
I can be supreme leader
of Heaven and Hell.
I interned at Disney,
for God's sake. I can do this. [grunting]
- Oops. Sorry. Hormones.
- [crowd cheering]
Come on. How is that not a penalty?
Okay. Well, she looks pretty psyched up,
so we have to be too. Let's go.
I'm out, okay?
I lost my best friend
slash gaming buddy slash business partner.
[sobs]
You see, we invented
these high-heeled shoes for teenage boys.
Now Bro-lettos will never hit the market.
Oh, come on. I can motivate you.
Um You have an incredible physique,
like a sweaty ottoman
with hot dogs for arms.
See? Okay, let's go!
[Travis groaning]
[grunting]
Herb, tell me what is going on.
Well, I've been doing this thing
called embezzling.
It's like bamboozling,
but, uh, with mathematics.
Anyhow, turns out I'm bad at it.
So when the ax was about to fall,
I decided to fake my own death,
and who better to leave holding the bag
than that speed bump with eyelids,
Marv Higgins.
But you can't betray your own child.
Even if they aren't exactly
what you thought they'd be,
you you love them no matter what.
Got to be honest, Abbie,
feels like maybe
you're projecting just a wee bit there.
Ooh. Wait. Aw, dang it.
I just told you my whole evil plan.
Well, I have to kill you now.
Ugh! That is totally going to cut in
on date night with the wife.
Nancy, don't be rude.
introduce yourself to Abbie.
Herb, you seem unwell.
[chuckling] I'm fine.
Ever since I stopped huffing mulch fumes,
the hallucinations have slowed way down.
Now, come on. I knew I put Oh!
- [ominous music playing]
- [grunting]
This chemical cheese hardens in seconds,
so when I drop you
into the Big Bulk lagoon, [chuckles]
you'll sink faster
than my balls in a hot tub.
[groans]
- [crowd cheering]
- [gong tolls]
Ladies and gentlemen, angels and demons,
gold-winged celestials
and sock-stealing dryer goblins.
This is it.
The final event of the tournament.
Who will be our new CEO?
[crowd cheering]
- [wolf whistle]
- [screaming]
For your final challenge,
to prove that mortals
can do the impossible
when guided by the hand of God,
you must make your counterpart
[all yelling] Go against human nature!
[buzzer sounding]
Oh no. I should've known.
This is a fan favorite.
The board figures out the hardest thing
for the human counterpart,
then the god has to make them go
against human nature to do it. But it's
[moaning, groaning]
Are you okay? Should we get a doctor?
I don't want your help.
You're the one that got me into this mess.
You and those butt clowns
from Snow Patrol.
[sighing] Fucking soft rock.
- Fucking motherfuckers.
- What an odd thing to say.
Eh, not really.
Have you listened to their new album?
It's rap metal.
[dramatic music playing]
Herb, you don't want to do this!
Abbie, I'm sorry, but
- [screaming]
- [Marv yelling]
[both grunt]
[Abbie panting]
Marv [chuckling]
how did you find me?
It all started 20 minutes ago.
[suspenseful music playing]
Hmm.
[music ends]
That's the whole story?
You walked into the garden department
because you saw my melted ice cream?
Well, I also drank it,
but that's neither here nor there.
- [horn honks]
- Marv, son,
I'm so glad to see you.
Dad! Thank goodness you're alive.
When you blew up, I was so sad.
He didn't blow up. He faked his death
so he could leave you holding the bag.
Son, your wife has clearly gone crazy.
You see how she tied herself up?
She got cheese for feet.
Oh, I've seen this before.
Sad, very sad.
Well, I actually have to get going. So
- Dad, wait! The feds came by and
- Oh, right, that little legal stuff.
Marv, here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna take responsibility
for all of it because you love me,
and I love you, son.
- [tires screeching]
- [dramatic music playing]
[growling]
[both grunting]
[Abbie] Marv, where did you learn
to swing on a rope like that?
Oh, I've been combat role playing
as Tarzan with my gaming group lately.
Well, technically I play a mating gorilla
whom Tarzan falls in love with, but
Wait, stop the car.
[tires screeching]
Wow, they're gorgeous and on sale.
[soft music playing]
Devilcat, you and your human counterpart
are up first.
[crowd cheering]
Devilcat, your partner Greta is incapable
of connecting with other creatures
on an emotional level.
So, in order to make your human
go against her nature,
you must defeat this.
[Greta gasping]
- [monster roaring]
- [screaming]
Wait! How does defeating a giant
vampire anus go against Greta's nature?
Because to save it,
you must quench its thirst
for human suffering.
It drinks human tears.
Either you make Greta cry,
or the monster eats her. Good luck.
[monster roaring]
Oh. Here, read the last page of this.
"And then they took Old Yeller out
to the lawn and tied him to a tree."
[monster screeching]
Uh Uh
"For sale, baby shoes. Never worn."
Uh, okay. There's this movie called Up,
and right in the beginning
- It's not working.
- Wait. Wait. I got it.
[bagpipe music playing]
Why would bagpipes make me emotional?
It's an instrument that sounds like
it's apologizing to you for how it sounds.
Okay, this.
[growling]
[crowd cheering]
Whoo. [laughing]
- Yeah!
- Ooh! So tough.
Yes, you defeated the monster,
but you technically didn't get Greta
to go against her nature.
- Zero points awarded.
- [buzzer buzzing]
Yes! We've got this, Travis. Ha-ha.
[engine revving]
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, look, Nancy, we've grown apart.
I am a strong, independent man and you're
Well, you're just a bag of rice
that I drilled two holes into.
- [grunting]
- [brakes screeching]
[Marv] If he gets to that Lambulkini,
he's gone.
I can't let him get away.
[music intensifies]
[music stops abruptly]
[dramatic music plays]
[both yelling in slow motion]
[brakes squealing]
Not so fast, Herb.
[sighing]
Marv, sometimes when a father
and a son love each other very, very much,
but can't make it work,
well, one of them murders the other
with a crossbow.
Bye, Marv.
[dramatic tone]
[soft music playing]
[knuckles cracking]
Okay, here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna move your cart.
I'm gonna drive off in my Lambulkini,
and then you are gonna call the feds
and turn yourself in for bamboozlement.
How's that sound? Sound good?
No.
How dare you, Marv?
You are supposed to respect your father!
[intense music playing]
[growling] You're not my father!
[both grunting]
Mother
[yelling, panting]
Huh? You stood up to me
and crowned yourself with my perm?
I'm I'm proud of you, boy.
Whoa, what happened?
I I blacked out there for a second.
[crowd cheering]
Okay, folks, this is for all the marbles.
If Godcat fails,
Devilcat will be named the new CEO.
But if Godcat completes his challenge,
the games will be tied,
and we will go to sudden death.
And if you both die, we pick fifty mortals
and we do a wet t-shirt contest.
- Let's go!
- [crowd] Yeah!
For your final challenge,
we picked something extra difficult
for this screen-addicted,
Hot Pocket of a child
who needs the internet's approval
more than he needs air.
He will have to defeat
his online troll, Aidan.
Summon the Aidan!
Nah, you guys go ahead
and pillage the nursing home without me.
[mystical tone]
Whoa! Am I being raptured?
Sick!
- [mystical tone continues]
- [gasping]
[grunting]
Aidan and Trashfist,
you will now engage in a horrific battle,
made popular
by Earth's least talented joke writers,
a comedy roast.
Human Dorito, you go first.
A roast? My pleasure. Um
Travis is so ugly,
if he met One Direction,
they'd go in a different direction.
[all laughing]
Travis is so dumb,
he thinks Dunkin' Donuts is
a basketball team.
[crowd] Ooh!
Oh yeah? Well
Wait. Dunkin' Donuts?
That's not a joke.
You literally thought that.
[crowd booing]
[whispering]
Oh. Well, yeah, Aidan's skin is so oily,
it's being acquired by Pizza Hut.
Well, Travis sucks so much,
his wisdom teeth had him removed.
Seriously. His teeth are horrible.
[crowd laughing]
What? No, no.
You're the one with bad teeth.
The nurse said that your mouth looks like
someone threw a piano into an open grave.
[gasps] Wait, you're just projecting
your insecurities onto me.
Really, that's what all trolls do.
I shouldn't care
what you think of me at all.
[soft music playing]
Oh yeah, dork?
If you were an energy drink,
you'd be called "Cringe."
See? Like that.
That didn't hurt at all. [chuckles]
You can call me whatever you want.
I don't need your validation anymore.
Yours or anyone else's
because I'm awesome.
Oh!
You're right.
You are awesome.
You're a great streamer.
You have a clean house,
and crows don't live in your dishwasher.
Meanwhile, my stepparent sold our bathtub
to buy Hoobastank tickets.
So yeah, I was trying
to keep you from getting too confident
so you wouldn't ditch me.
And I'm kind of you know
sorry.
Hey. You don't have to worry
about losing me.
You're my best friend.
- [mystical tone]
- [crowd cheering]
Challenge accomplished.
One point to Godcat.
We have a tie, folks!
[crowd cheering]
[police sirens wailing]
[indistinct radio chatter]
Uh, Marv, wait for me?
Uh, no.
But how about I send you
some care packages in prison?
Any requests?
Maybe a heartfelt letter telling me
how much you appreciate our special bond?
Oh! And maybe a bag of rice.
You know my type.
[giggling] Honey,
you were incredible out there.
You're like Jason Bourne,
but balding and trying to hide it.
So like Matt Damon, I guess.
Look, Abbie, I screwed up.
I've been too focused
on my job and my hobbies.
None of that is worth losing you over.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too. I should've taken
more of an interest in those things.
I should've taken
more of an interest in you.
Well, from now on that all changes.
[gasps] Does that mean
you'll come to my book club?
We're reading He-Man fan fiction.
Sure, if you come with me
to that alligator combat class
I saw on Groupon.
Or how about we split the difference?
Go get drunk on Smirnoff Ice
and play Buck Hunter?
Deal.
- [both chuckling]
- [soft music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie score,
which means we are headed to sudden death.
[dramatic music playing]
[male voice] Sudden death!
[dramatic music playing]
[all gasping]
Whoever gets their mortal advisor
across the finish line first
wins the CEO position
and a sponsorship with Purina Dog Food.
Easy-peasy.
Now, remember, if you get sprayed
with lava, just keep running.
Hopefully, the momentum will carry your
flaming corpse across the finish line.
Listen to me, you got this.
Own this course.
Own it like my stepdad owns
eight pitbulls.
Let's go!
- [music continues]
- [crowd cheering, whistling]
Hey, if I get laser murdered,
I just want you to know
you've been a good sister.
And if we make it out of this alive,
I promise to start flushing
the downstairs toilet.
Thanks, Trav. You've been a good brother.
I promise to stop micro-dosing
your Froot Loops with ketamine.
- Wait, what!?
- And your time starts
- [gun fires]
- now!
[dramatic music playing]
[both screaming]
[both grunting]
Good boy. Good boy.
Turn. Turn.
Okay, run.
Buddy, hup. There you go. Hup.
[both panting, grunting]
[Godcat] Jump. Get down. Slide.
[grunting]
[crowd] Travis! Travis! Travis!
- [grunting, groaning]
- [screaming]
[crowd exclaims]
- [Travis grunting]
- [crowd cheering]
[Travis groaning]
- Get up! Come on!
- Get up! Come on!
- Run!
- What are you waiting for? Go!
[intense music playing]
[all exclaiming in slow motion]
Travis wins!
We have a winner!
Introducing your new CEO,
Godcat!
[crowd cheering]
Congrats, you are now CEO
of both Heaven and Hell.
[gasps] Thank you. It feels good
to have all the power again.
Now, first things first,
I want to eat an entire dolphin.
Ever since becoming a cat
I've had this hankering
Now that you're hired,
we can begin phase two of the reorg,
the annihilation
of the human race. [chuckling]
What? I thought the merger
was about redistributing human souls.
Well, once we realized humans
were the source
of most of the company's problems,
we figured we'd wipe them out
and start over.
Look, do I see the appeal
in eliminating the 7 billion dingbats
who invented everything
from nuclear war to eating Tide Pods?
On paper, sure.
But my time on Earth with this family
has shown me that humans are horrible,
but they're also amazing.
They're terrible and wonderful
and everything in between.
So I'm sorry, but as God, it's a hard no.
Very well.
Thank you for stepping down so honorably.
Huh? What do you mean? I didn't. I
Beelzebub, we would like to offer you
the CEO position.
That is, if you agree
to wipe out humanity.
[sighing] I mean, I do want the job, but
Wait! Wait, don't do this.
Humans may not be perfectly designed.
We might even be
straight-up evil at times,
but our goodness
doesn't come from being perfect.
We're a mess.
And you know what? Messes are okay.
I'm a mess. My family is a mess,
but that's why I love them.
That's why we love each other.
- [crying]
- [soft music playing]
Take it to the river ♪
It's your decision, Beelzebub.
I'll do it.
No!
[dramatic music playing]
Every step of the way,
you've been there haunting me.
But I am done living in your shadow.
I am darkness.
I cast the shadow now!
Yes, Beelzebub.
Do it. Do it.
You're all fired!
[music intensifies]
[roaring]
[screaming]
[screams]
Beelzebub, my little demon,
I always knew you had it in you.
[music ends]
Wow. Where did that come from?
I'm done doing things their way.
I'm in charge now. So
[moaning, groaning]
Hey, you're not supposed to pee
on office furniture.
I learned that like an hour
after becoming a cat.
[gasping] I'm not peeing, you idiot!
I'm going into labor! [yelps]
Labor? You're pregnant?
When did that happen?
Argh! Remember my cousin's wedding?
[romantic music playing]
Oh. Hell yeah. [chuckles]
Snap out of it!
We don't have time for a steamy flashback.
- [stomach grumbling]
- [groaning]
Whoa! Anti-Christ on a cracker.
This is really happening.
Okay, who do I know
that knows how to deliver a cat baby?
Wait. Abbie!
We've got to get back down to Earth.
[dramatic music playing]
Mmm Bubedy bubedy bup!
Gah! A little help!
[music continues]
Everyone, hop on. We're going home.
[moaning]
Whoa. Hi, kids!
Abbie, Marv, Devilcat's pregnant,
and I'm the father.
[Devilcat groaning]
Hey, congratulations.
Now what's with all the fire
and destruction?
Oh, is this a gender-reveal party?
Agh! No, dingus, I'm in labor!
Marv, boots, bungee cords, toilet plunger.
[in demonic voice] You did this to me!
Take my paw!
Probably a bad time to ask,
but does this technically make us
boyfriend, girlfriend, or
[retching]
Yeah, let's put a pin in that for now.
[intense moaning, groaning]
[dramatic music playing]
[coughs, groans]
[groaning]
[alarm sounding]
Gee, I wonder if today will be the day
I get chosen to destroy a planet.
Pfft. Wouldn't count on it, kid.
[rumbling]
[music continues]
Here I go to kill and destroy.
Ah, you guys look!
[dramatic music playing]
- [people screaming]
- [horn blaring]
[screaming]
I don't understand.
I thought Devilcat stopped the apocalypse.
[gasps] Someone must have survived
and hit the button.
All right. The first time I prayed to you
might've been a misunderstanding,
but this one is the real deal.
A legit bona fide prayer.
Dear God,
save us from that thing!
I would, but it needs
to be destroyed in orbit.
And last I checked,
I'm a cat, not a space dragon.
Space dragon, you say.
[gasps] I have an idea.
What the hell is that?
It looks like an Apollo Lander
made by Garbage Pail Kids.
The biggest problem is
I don't have enough propellant to launch.
Turns out rockets are ten stories high
for a reason.
Godcat, can't you generate
some sort of magic God energy?
Aren't you like a holy USB brick?
What about the power of love?
Maybe if everyone started loving you
super hard, you'd sprout angel wings.
That's actually the secret
to beating the Twilight board game.
Those are both
the dumbest things I've ever
Wait. Angel wings, USB brick
Marv, Travis, you're geniuses.
- [line rings, beeps]
- Dear God, it's me.
Get the cherubs down here now!
[mystical tone]
[laughing] Hey, buddy. Um
We're super sorry about what happened.
We didn't know
Shut it. There's no time for that.
You two are made of pure divine energy,
and for once in your stupid lives,
you're going to help me.
I want to say I love you,
but there's no time.
Also, I assume I'll feel weird
about it later,
and it'll be awkward
when we say goodbye on the phone.
Okay, bye.
- Mmm Ah!
- [epic music playing]
[music ends]
She'll be riding six white horses
She'll be riding six white horses ♪
She'll be riding six white horses
When she comes ♪
Yee-haw! ♪
[epic music stops]
Armageddon, meet arm.
Aw, look, a kitty cat.
Hello, little kitty cat.
I'm just so gosh darn excited
to kill your entire planet.
Nope.
[yelling]
[music ends]
[Abbie] He did it!
Godcat saved us!
[all cheering]
Godcat, yeah!
Wait, where's Godcat?
Is he?
He He can't be.
- [soft music playing]
- [Godcat screaming]
[laughing]
I did it. I have mastered endoscopy!
[all] Empathy!
Oh, whatever. You knew what I meant.
And I did it all
because the damned family came together.
Godcat's right.
We finally came together as a team,
and it worked.
You know, I always thought of you guys
as the extras in the background
of my live streams.
But now, I see how each of you are cool
and interesting in your own
Will you shut the up and help me?
This baby wants out!
- [heavy metal music playing]
- [groaning]
[thunder rumbling]
I think it's happening! Everyone, hold on!
Here it comes.
Wait. No.
Here they come!
- [music continues]
- [screaming]
[meowing]
Holy mother of God!
[closing theme music playing]
[music ends]