Fam (2019) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Shannon, what are you doing? There's, like, 20 Goldfish behind the couch.
I know.
I'm so bad at this.
Pick up the Goldfish and go get ready.
We're going to Nick's parents' for dinner.
Yeah, you mind if I pass? I read this warning on the Internet of the dangers of kids getting high on nutmeg, and I want to try it.
You're going.
Walt needs our feedback.
He's auditioning for a new play about an out of control cop with no morals.
Luckily, our dad is one.
Yeah, people without morals suck.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, sweetie.
So, what has two thumbs and is taking you on a romantic getaway Saturday night? (laughs) A-this guy.
Really? (gasps) What has two arms and is about to give you the biggest hug ever? A-this girl.
Hey, guys? What has two legs and wants to jump out the window? A-this girl.
This hotel is great.
Olympic-size pool, private beach, four-star restaurant featuring the tallest seafood tower on the Eastern Seaboard.
- How tall is it? - Okay.
Imagine the tallest seafood tower you've ever seen on the Eastern Seaboard.
Okay.
A little taller than that.
Oh, I can't believe this.
What's the occasion? Let me guess.
To get away from me.
(laughs) Get away from you? - A hundred percent.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, it doesn't matter why you're going.
You're going, which means I finally get to have this place to myself.
(both laugh) Isn't it funny when the animals think that they run the zoo? I'll ask my parents to watch her.
That's insane.
It's only one night.
I can be here alone.
The Purge is only one night.
And a lot of people end up dead at the end.
All right, listen up, you maggots.
Every day you push me a little farther.
Push, push, push.
But one day you're gonna push too far.
And then? Boom! I go off, and every maggot in a ten-block radius goes with me.
So what'd you think, girls? It was like my dad was in the room.
I'm literally traumatized.
Oh, I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel.
It'll even be better with the full uniform on.
What did you think, Shannon? I thought it was really good.
Just, if I had one thought, it's that my dad never actually gets loud like that when he's angry.
He gets kind of quiet.
Thank you, Shannon.
I appreciate the constructive criticism.
Now, if I could just offer a thought on your weird, giant overalls Walt.
He is not the best at taking criticism.
WALT: She's right.
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have made fun of your clothes.
I mean, maybe you're baling hay somewhere later, I don't know.
Hey, Mom, Dad, uh, we have a favor to ask.
I'm taking Clem away this weekend, and we were wondering if you minded watching Shannon.
Uh, no.
I told you, I can watch myself.
Dad once left me alone an entire weekend.
There was a whole article about it in the news.
"Three-year-old calls 911.
" We would be happy to watch her for you.
But I think Shannon deserves a chance.
I mean, this young lady is in the process of blooming, and you need to water her with trust.
Yeah! I don't know.
Oh, come on, Clem.
If I wasn't responsible, would I have spent the whole last summer cleaning up the park? That was court-mandated.
She's 16 years old, guys.
She deserves a shot.
Thank you, Rose.
You're welcome, bubelah.
What do you think, Nick? I mean, maybe my mom has a point.
Besides, what's she gonna get into? Even bigger overalls? I'm done.
(chuckles) Nick, this place is amazing.
And you know what the best part is? See that girl over there? Not Shannon.
That bellboy? Not Shannon.
The woman who checked us in whose name was Shannon? Not Shannon.
- It's just us.
- Mm-hmm.
(Nick and Clem chuckle) No way.
Nick? Hey! This is crazy.
It's been forever.
(chuckles): Like a year.
Hi, I'm Clem.
Hi.
Kristen.
Oh, you're Nick's ex-girlfriend.
That's right.
And this is my current fiancée Clem.
"Current"? (scoffs) No.
No.
I mean, my current and future fiancée.
I mean, until, you know, we get married.
Then she'll be my current wife.
Have y'all heard about the seafood tower? There's a place in Chicago that has a taller one.
Hi.
- I'm Charlie.
- This is my boyfriend.
The law firm he works for just transferred him from Chicago.
Largest noncoastal city in the U.
S.
You're really proud of Chicago, aren't you? So, it looks like you two were on your way out of here.
Shame we missed you.
(groans) Bummed! No, we actually just checked in.
Oh, us, too.
Looks like we'll be here together.
Oh, which is awesome.
You know what? We should all go to dinner or something tomorrow.
Oh, sounds terrific, but we're only staying for the night.
(chuckles): Damn, damn, damn! Well, then, how about we do it tonight? - Tonight? I don't think we'd - We'd love to.
be able to say no.
I think the nutmeg wore off.
Don't think it ever wore on.
Yeah, I know.
And now my head smells like Christmas.
(exhales) Well, we got to do something.
I mean, this place is sick.
We should get the old squad over and have a rager.
Yeah.
I'm not really feeling like raging.
Maybe something on the more mellow side, like steal a bunch of shopping carts, push 'em into the river.
Nah.
Did that last night.
Why don't you want to have a party? I mean, what, now that you're living in Fancy Town, - you think you're better than all of us? - What? No.
I do not think that I'm better than you guys.
And I don't even think you guys are all that good.
Well, the Shannon I knew would throw a party.
It's exactly what everyone said would happen.
You've changed.
Changed? Excuse me, I have not changed.
In fact, according to my guidance counselor, I am getting worse.
Then prove it.
You know what? Fine.
Let's do this.
Text everybody - and tell them it's on.
- (chuckles) There's my girl.
- I'm-a go get some beer.
- What's with the cookies? Homeless guy who buys me beer loves them.
I cannot believe you said yes to having dinner with my ex-girlfriend.
What else was I supposed to say? Oh, uh, what's that word again? Ah! I remember.
"No.
" Look, if you're worried about me, don't be.
- I'm totally cool and okay with this.
- Yeah.
But I'm not cool and okay.
I'm uncool and un-okay.
Disokay.
Nokay.
Relax.
It's gonna be fun.
I've never met any of your exes.
I mean, there's only five of them.
They're like white rhinos.
Fine.
If I'm gonna relax, I'm gonna pregame.
I'm drinking this whole bottle of wine.
Don't you try to stop me.
How do I look? You look amazing.
Good, 'cause I got to bring my "A" game.
- You never mentioned that Kristen was so pretty.
- Okay.
And in what situation would that have come up? "Oh, hey, Clem, I ever tell you that my ex is super hot?" Okay, I said "pretty.
" You're right.
This gonna be so fun.
Let's go, come get a sneak peek Can't touch me like (all cheer) Wow, you're really good at beer pong.
Yeah, my dad taught me how to play when I was 13.
- We used Kool-Aid.
Winner got a beer.
- Ah! Nice! Hey, Shannon.
Evan.
What are you doing here? It sounded like you were having a party, so I thought I'd do the old neighbor pop-in.
Pop! Okay, fine, you can stay.
Under one condition.
You promise me you'll never tell Nick and Clem that I had a party.
Wait.
You're not supposed to be having a party? Well, they kind of made me swear that I wouldn't, so it's a little bit of a gray area.
Wow.
I could never do that.
I'd feel way too guilty.
What do I have to feel guilty about? Well, they took you into their home and trusted you.
And now you're betraying them, like Judas.
A sexy Judas.
Am I Judas? Dude, this party's so fun.
Aren't you glad you did this? Well, I don't feel guilty, if that's what you're insinuating, Janelle.
So sexy.
So, how did you guys meet? Well, my firm was hired to sue the company Kristen works for, and after a borderline unprofessional deposition, she asked me to dinner, and the rest is history.
Wow, that sounds borderline unethical.
Oh, it totally was.
But we've now been dating for eight months.
CHARLIE: We're thinking about moving in together, but someone's dragging her feet.
It's Kristen.
KRISTEN: Sorry, but it didn't go so well the last time I lived with someone.
Right, Nick? Oh.
You guys lived together? Uh yeah, but, you know, it was (exhales) it was not that long.
Uh, six months is a pretty long time, especially when you're sleeping next to a pillow hog.
Right, Clem? (laughs) In the same place that we live in now? Yeah.
I'm sure I mentioned that, right? (chuckles): I mean you must have, because if you didn't, that definitely would be nokay.
Okay, people, hi.
Quick announcement: if you're gonna throw up, please do it in the bathroom and not behind the piano Elizabeth.
Hey, Brian, hi.
How are you? Have you ever heard of a coaster? Great.
Use one.
(ringtone plays) Hello.
Hey, sweetie.
It's Rose.
Rose, hey! Uh what's going on? What's all that noise? Nothing.
It's just this-this movie I'm watching about crowds and what it's like to be in one.
If you just give me one second, I'm gonna put you on a brief hold, and I'll get right back to you.
Okay.
So, hey, Rose.
What's up? Just checking, making sure you're okay.
You know, considering Walt and I went out on a limb for you.
Yeah, you did, and I-I really appreciated it.
Oh, yeah, everything's great.
Oh! What was that? Nothing.
Just the neighbor's cat came through the window.
Get out of here, you pervert cat! Well, I'm so happy that they trusted you.
You should be proud of yourself.
Yeah.
I really am.
Thanks for calling.
Bye.
Bye.
So, she having a party? Major party.
Sounds like Studio 55 over there.
Don't you mean 54? No.
Bigger, baby.
I got to be honest, I thought that seafood tower was gonna be a little bit taller.
(chuckles): I mean, come on, chef, add some prawns, you know what I mean? Right, Clem? Right? Please say something.
I can't believe that you and Kristen lived together in our apartment.
And for six months! Come on, babe, that's not a long time.
Especially when you consider one of those months was February.
How could you not tell me about this? I'm sorry.
I really am.
But in my defense, when we first started dating, you made a rule that we don't talk about our pasts.
Yes, because I didn't want to talk about my past.
It never occurred to me that you had a past.
Well, of course I do.
I mean, I had a life before you, Clem.
A sheltered, you know, often sexually frustrated one, but, yes, a past.
So, wait, is our bed the same bed that you and Kristen slept in? No, no, no.
She took the bed.
Our bed is new.
I mean it's not, like, totally new.
It was in my parents' guest room, so some cousins got busy on it, but that's family.
What about the couch that we sit on every night and watch TV and snuggle on? Did you get busy on that, too? I mean, it is Scotchgarded.
I feel like I need to take a shower.
Well, baby, you know, there's two showerheads in there - if you want - I need 'em both! (sighs) What is this? It's like the tiny wine bottle, but it's full of shampoo? The only other place that I've seen tiny bottles of Le Labo shampoo is under the bathroom sink at home.
Have you stayed here before? Uh not in this room.
Have you stayed here with Kristen before? Not in this room.
Oh, my God, you're unbelievable.
It's just a stupid hotel.
It's not like this was a special place for me and Kristen.
Yeah, well, maybe I thought it was - a special place for me and you.
- Come on, Clem.
And now I find out that you've been here with her? And about the apartment? I mean I-I'm sorry, I just, I guess this isn't the night that I was hoping for.
So what are you saying? What has two thumbs and wants to go home? E.
T.
? I'll just go pack my bag.
Are you still mad at me? Y-You barely said anything - the whole way home.
- Mad at you? (chuckles) No.
Really? Because when we were listening to that true crime podcast, it seemed like you were rooting for the lady who murdered her husband.
I wasn't rooting for her.
I just thought she brought up some valid points.
(music playing in distance) Where's that music coming from? Oh.
Cool.
Are you the weed delivery guy? No.
Are you the weed delivery guy? Let's get it on What the hell? Oh, God.
Shannon! I will explain everything in the other room.
Okay? Come on, come on.
Hey, we get a free lighter with our order, right? I am not the weed delivery guy! What the hell were you thinking, Shannon? You promised us we could trust you.
And you promised me you'd be out of town for 24 hours, so, yes, mistakes were made all around.
Well, I hope you had fun, because we are never trusting you again.
That's the thing, I didn't have fun.
Well, at first I did.
Beer pong champion.
(chuckles) I mean ginger ale pong champion.
But then I started feeling terrible about myself.
Because you knew you weren't supposed to be doing this.
Right.
I screwed up.
But usually I don't realize that until you guys come home and rip me a new one.
But this time dude, I'm way ahead of you.
I ripped myself a new one.
I mean, it's not the most eloquent way to put it My point is, this is real progress.
Now am I a hero? That's not for me to say.
But did I go on a hero's journey? I feel like yes.
Look, Shannon, it's great to see you recognizing your own mistakes, but that doesn't get you off the hook for what you've done.
I know.
I was being dumb.
I was just so concerned about what my friends thought of me.
But then I realized I care more about what you guys think.
Anyways, I'm genuinely sorry about messing up your place, Nick.
You don't get it, Shannon.
It's it's not only my place.
You live here just as much as I do, just as much as Clem does.
We're a family.
And you have to respect this place.
Not because it's mine.
Because it's all of ours.
Yo! The cops are here! Cops? WALT: All right, listen up, you maggots! Every day you punks push me a little farther.
Push, push, push.
And one day you're gonna push too far, and then boom I go off, and every maggot in a ten-block radius goes down with me.
Boom! (screaming, gasping) Dude that was killer.
Well, I, uh, played it quiet, like you suggested, and, uh, guess what.
I got the part! - No! - Yeah! Congrats, Dad.
Uh, what are you doing here? Hey, uh, Nick and Clem, I didn't realize you were back.
Well, your mom figured that Shannon was having a party, and I figured that this would be the funnest way to break it up.
If you guys knew Shannon was having a party, why didn't you call us? NICK: I bet it was so he could clean everything up before we came back home.
Right, Dad? So you and Mom wouldn't have to admit that you were wrong about trusting Shannon.
Okay, I do not appreciate that accusation.
Okay, y'all, let's get this place cleaned up Damn! You know, it looks like a fraternity exploded in here, and yet Kristen's couch is miraculously unscathed.
You know what? Why don't you and I go pick out a new couch together? No.
The couch stays.
This feels like a trap.
It's not a trap.
It just hurt to find out that this place, which I always thought was ours, used to be yours with someone else.
But what you said to Shannon, it really made this place feel like home.
So the couch stays.
I don't understand.
From now on, it will be a symbol of our ability to move past problems.
I love that.
But I'm still a little on guard about that trap.
Full disclosure, since I'm all mature now and whatnot: some beer spilt on the couch.
Okay.
Thank you for being honest with us.
Even fuller disclosure: the beer used to be in Elizabeth's stomach.
Good thing I Scotchgarded it, right? - Ew! - Oh, yuck!