Family Matters s01e09 Episode Script

Celery stalks, lettuce and carrot sticks? You fixing lunch for a rabbit? This is for Carl.
I'm putting him on a diet as of today.
- Does he know about it yet? - No.
I'm out of here.
- Mom, did you wash my jumpsuit? - It's over on the table.
Don't wait three months before you bring it home.
It walked into the laundry room by itself.
Mom, can I have $35 for a band jacket? Wait a minute.
You're not even in the band.
I know, but Marsha Johnson is.
If I'm wearing a band jacket, I can sit next to her at the football games.
Forget it, Romeo.
She's going out with Billy Jones.
This sandwich is made with chunky peanut butter.
Meat loaf? I can't eat this.
I'm a vegetarian.
- Since when? - Since yesterday at lunch when Barney McGuire laughed so hard bologna came out of his nose.
- Oh, my God.
- Mustard? Mom, you put mustard on my sandwich.
I hate mustard.
Look, I'm not running a restaurant here.
Work it out for yourselves.
I've got to check on the laundry.
All I want is an apple.
Forget this.
I'm eating at the cafeteria.
I hate chunky peanut butter.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, kids.
Harriette, is my lunch ready? I'm late for work.
It's on the counter.
- Honey, you sure this is my lunch? - It's a new diet you're starting today.
All right, if you insist.
But you know, all of this food, I doubt if I have enough room for dinner.
- That's the spirit, sugar.
- Mwah.
See you later.
But what in the world possessed you boys to bring a timber wolf into the house? We got the idea from you, Dad, remember? You told us how you once kidnapped your rival school's mascot? Yes, son.
But that was in the '60s.
I did it for peace.
Hi, everybody.
Boy, what a day.
The most incredible thing happened to me today.
Carl, hush.
We're trying to watch The Buddy Goodrich Show.
The Buddy Goodrich Show? Mama, you'd rather watch TV than talk to me? Well, he's only on once a week.
You're here every day.
I just thought you'd like to hear about my day.
See? You made me miss a big joke.
So this is the top TV show? A sitcom about a rich black man who adopts two white orphans.
Hmp.
They're adopted? Oh.
Now I get it.
Come on, Richie.
Come on, baby.
Show Mama that look that's gonna drive the girls crazy.
Come on.
Come on Uh That's the one.
Mothers of America, lock up your daughters.
- Hi.
Mm-ah.
- Hi, honey.
- How was your day? - Unbelievable.
Really? Tell us about it.
It's nice to see that not everyone is in love with The Buddy Goodrich Show.
Did that start already? Shoot.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll take you over Buddy Goodrich any day.
Go ahead.
- It's gotta better than what she was - Duck with an orange.
I didn't know we was gonna eat the duck.
That Mickey is a riot.
Scoot over.
We're sorry.
I'm sorry I left the bathroom window open and let the timber wolf get away.
No, kids.
It's all my fault.
I should've kept my past a secret.
Hey, don't worry, I'll take care of everything.
I'll pay for the damages, I'll take us to dinner.
I'll even trap a new mascot.
Dad you're the best dad we ever had.
Oh, that man is wonderful.
What a great dad.
He's not real.
What does he do for a living? Somebody tell me.
He's a neurosurgeon and a test pilot.
He's so smart.
He always knows the right thing to say.
Of course, he does.
He has 12 writers.
I think he's cute.
I think he's sexy.
We don't just watch this show for the laughs.
There's also a lesson every week.
What was tonight's lesson? Well, Buddy showed us that when kids mess up parents should think back and see how it's really their fault.
Oh.
Like the time you threw the football through the window, that was my fault? Hey, who gave me the football? - Harriette - Mm-hm? you think the kids might like me better if I dressed more Ivy League, like Buddy Goodrich? Carl, you're not Ivy League.
You're bowling league.
But don't worry, the kids know you're a great father.
We all do.
Thanks, Harriette.
Well, I believe I'll have me a shot of mineral oil and then hit the sack.
I'll get it, Mother Winslow.
By the way, Carl, did you get good seats for the Buddy Goodrich one-man show? No, Mama.
I didn't get the tickets at all.
I've been too busy.
With what? Oh, nothing much.
Just robberies, high-speed chases, shootouts.
And what about your lunch hour, honey? Okay, Mama.
I'll pick up the tickets tomorrow.
And, Carl, spring for some decent seats this time.
Yeah.
When you took us to see the Gladys Knight show we sat so far back I couldn't even see The Pips.
Excuse me.
Heh.
I was on my way to the box office and I noticed a black convertible parked in the handicapped spot.
- You know whose it is? - Yeah, that's Buddy Goodrich's car.
- Really? That's his car? - Mm-hm.
Wow.
Listen, I'm pressed for time, so would you mind telling him to move it? I'm on a break.
Sorry.
That's his dressing room there.
- Thanks.
- Yep.
- Can I help you, officer? - Sorry to bother you.
But Mr.
Goodrich's car is parked in a handicapped spot.
- I'd appreciate somebody moving it.
- Of course.
Let me just get the keys.
Hey, jack.
Wow.
You're Buddy Goodrich.
My family watches you every week.
They think you're the greatest.
I know.
I know.
I know.
Gee, you're much taller on TV.
That's because on the show, I'm always standing next to those little runt orphans.
That is good.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Mr.
Goodrich, after you move the car, can I get your autograph for my kids? Nobody moves the car.
It stays where it is.
You got that Officer Chubbo? You are one funny guy.
And actually that'd be Sergeant Chubbo.
But seriously, Mr.
Goodrich, the car has to be moved.
So this is the thanks I get for doing a charity gig? I don't need this.
You know, I'm a big star.
Well, fine.
Then have your assistant move the car.
Oh, you don't get it.
That handicapped space is right by the stage door so when I finish the show I can get out of this dump as fast as possible, capisce? Uh Listen, Mr.
Goodrich if you don't move the car I'm gonna have to give you a ticket and have you towed away.
- You are going to do what? - You heard me.
Look, you don't seem to understand.
I'm not moving the car and you are not giving me a ticket.
- Am I getting through? - Ahem.
You know, Mr.
Goodrich, you ought not shove a police officer.
Oh, that was just tapping.
- This is shoving.
- Now you did that again.
Yeah, I kind of enjoyed it.
- I'm not gonna tell you anymore.
- Didn't like that? - No.
- Then you're gonna hate this.
Mr.
Goodrich, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer.
You have the right to remain silent.
You know, that was really dumb.
You are one first-class idiot.
Oh, really? Well, if I'm so dumb, how come you're the one wearing the cuffs? You have the right to an attorney And now the Windy City's number-one newscast - with the award-winning Robert Alvarez.
- Oh.
Hi, everybody.
I'm glad you're all home.
I got something to tell you.
- Not now, Carl, we're watching the news.
- Did you hear? Some wacko cop arrested Buddy Goodrich.
Well, I'd like to talk to you about that.
- You see, what happened - Quiet, Carl.
No, no, I'm still performing tomorrow night.
Of course, after the way I was roughed up the next time I come to town I'll remember to bring a stuntman.
Oh, what a guy.
He can still laugh at a time like this.
I know what happened to Buddy Goodrich.
We'd rather hear from somebody who was there.
No, I don't know why this officer attacked me.
But my assistant, Roger, will verify that it was totally unprovoked.
And I just want you to know that I don't blame the city or the Police Department.
There's only one person that I hold responsible.
One bad apple.
One rogue cop.
Officer Carl Winslow.
It was you? You arrested Buddy Goodrich? Well, yeah.
Way to go, Carl.
You arrested America's favorite dad? How could you do this to me? To you? Carl, I know you wouldn't have arrested the man unless you had a good reason.
I wanna hear this.
Look, I politely asked the man to move his car out of a handicapped spot.
But he went crazy.
He took a swing at me.
That's it? That's plenty.
Look, just because the man is nice on TV does not mean that he's nice in person.
Dad, you busted the most popular guy in America.
I say we move.
- Yeah, let's move to Canada.
- I'm with you.
All right, I didn't expect the kids to understand but you understand, Mama, don't you? - Oh, yeah, I understand.
You were in a tight spot and you choked.
Okay, Mama.
We believe you, Carl.
Don't we, Rachel? Of course we do.
Carl, I love you.
You're my brother-in-law.
Why wouldn't I believe? Of course, you're not Buddy Goodrich's biggest fan.
And maybe you went there with a chip on your shoulder.
But, basically, I believe you.
More or less.
Oh, Carl, did you see the paper? Yeah.
It wasn't a very good picture but then it wasn't a real good reason to be in the paper.
But, hey, front page.
Are we gonna eat soon? I'll get it.
- Hello.
- It's Buddy Goodrich.
Is this the Winslow residence? Yes.
May I come in? Yes.
Thank you.
I'm Buddy Goodrich.
And you are? I'm Harriette Winslow and these are my children, Eddie, Laura and Judy Winslow.
And that's my mother-in-law, Mrs.
Winslow.
- Ah.
- And I think you know my husband, Carl.
Uh We've met.
You have a beautiful family, Carl.
Carl, how can you arrest a man who says you got a beautiful family? I just came over to say how sorry I am about what happened.
As a little token of my feelings, I've brought some tickets to my show tonight.
Uh, uh.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Goodrich, but we can't make it.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Now, now, now, if that's what he says, that's the way it goes.
Show him respect.
He's your father.
Thank you, Mr.
Goodrich.
Thank you.
I understand what you're going through right now.
When something like this gets in the press, there's no telling how they'll blow it up.
Hi, I'm Rachel.
It's nice to meet you again.
You know, I can only imagine how proud you must be of Carl.
He has a very He has a very difficult job and he does it so well.
That's very nice of you to say, Mr.
Goodrich.
Thank you.
Now I've always said that what separates us from the animals is that we have the ability to settle our differences peacefully.
Well, that and we know how to use chopsticks.
He's wonderful.
He kills me.
So, Carl, do you think we could speak privately? It will just take a minute.
- Oh, well, l - Yes, Daddy.
Okay, we can go talk in the kitchen.
Ah.
Oh! Row A.
Is that good? Thanks for speaking with me.
Well, I appreciate what you said in front of my family.
It's all true.
Carl, look, I'd like to solve our little problem before I leave town.
Isn't there something we can do? Sure, you could tell the truth, plead guilty and pay your fine.
Yeah, that's an option.
Not what I had in mind.
Well, that's the best I can do.
Don't be so hasty.
This will be a very tough case for you to win.
I know.
I date one of the actresses on L.
A.
Law.
Well, you may be right, Mr.
Goodrich, but I know what happened.
Carl, do you really want to take on America's favorite dad in front of a jury? Mr.
Goodrich, would you get to the bottom line on this? Okay.
I want you to come backstage after my show for a press conference.
You change your story.
I'll praise you as a dedicated public servant and we both look good.
I can't do that, Mr.
Goodrich.
You see, you assaulted a police officer.
But that's not what my assistant is gonna say on the witness stand.
He'll say that he saw the whole thing and you started it.
Oh, I see.
So, what you're gonna have him do is lie, commit perjury? Those are such ugly words, Carl.
They're true, but still, they're very ugly.
Mr.
Goodrich, it's time for you to go.
I'll see you in court.
Carl, don't be so short-sighted.
Look, I've got an idea.
Just pitching here but what if we do an episode on my show about our little incident and I hire you as a technical advisor for a fee of two thousand dollars? How's that sound? Sounds like you're offering me a bribe.
Ooh.
"Bribe.
" Another ugly word.
Carl! I am trying to do you a favor.
But what is your problem? I'll tell you what my problem is, Mr.
Goodrich.
I can't shave with my eyes closed.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that I have to look at myself every day in the mirror.
- Mm-hm.
- Sure, I'd love to get this thing over with.
But if I gave in to you, I couldn't face myself.
I couldn't face my kids, either.
You see, Mr.
Goodrich, I've always tried to teach them right from wrong.
I'm a good father and a good cop.
I don't back down when I know I'm right.
And I don't take bribes from the likes of you.
Now get out of my house.
Okay.
Three thousand dollars.
Get out.
Now.
Okay, but you are making a big mistake.
I am going to bury you in court.
Hey, everybody.
Rachel, right? Right.
Well, uh gotta run.
Ha-ha-ha.
Excuse me.
It was very nice meeting everyone.
The pleasure was all yours.
That's good.
So, well, really I really do have to run.
Mr.
Goodrich, you forgot something.
We won't be needing these tickets.
You know - You were wonderful.
- I am so proud of you.
- Aren't you proud? - I am.
That is my son.
I sure hope this is the last day of that Goodrich trial.
These last couple of weeks have been tough on Carl.
Yeah.
I hate the way he looks in those courtroom sketches.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, hi.
- How did the Goodrich trial go? - It's over.
They found him guilty.
Goodrich's assistant broke down and told the truth.
- No.
- Goodrich fired him on the spot.
And then he punched out his lawyer.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Is he going to jail? - No, Mama.
He has to pay a big fine, spend 100 hours picking up trash along the interstate.
Oh, a big star like that picking up garbage? Honey, I love it.
Now, Rachel, that's not nice.
Mama's right.
We shouldn't take pleasure in someone else's misery.
Anybody for a slow drive along the interstate? I'll get the camera.
This is gonna be great.