Family Tools (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [Ball thuds.]
Come on, dad.
This is supposed to be a cardio workout.
Look at me I'm drenched in sweat.
Yeah, and I'm still kicking your ass.
Well, you might be winning at the game of tennis, but I'm winning at the game of health.
Come on.
I'm comfortable where I am.
Would you just do it for me.
I tried low-fat potato chips for you.
Your credibility is shot.
All right, fine.
How's this for credibility, then? - Whoa.
- [Laughs.]
What are you laughing at? What am I laughing at? You fell over the couch and hurt yourself.
Which is funny because 'Cause you fell over the couch and hurt yourself.
All right.
That's it.
You're going down, old man.
Bring it, Serena.
- Aah! - Dad?! Dad, what's wrong?! - Ace.
- [Applause.]
Game, set, match.
Nice playing with you.
Jack: I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[Crash.]
I'll fix that! [Piano playing.]
And that concludes my prepared repertoire.
I will now be taking requests.
Do you know "get your ass over here" in the key of "now"? If you got $5 for the tip jar.
Just bring me a filter.
Some people got no appreciation for the arts.
[Spray hissing.]
What the hell? [Clang.]
Ow.
Is that poison? I'm not gonna smell your fingers, Jack.
You wouldn't smell mine.
Those guys just sprayed me with pesticide.
Relax, it's mostly lemon oil and cyanide.
I don't believe this.
And they're walking away like nothing happened.
Uh, hey! - Excuse me.
- Hey, hey! Hey! Just saying "hey.
" Hey.
What are you doing? Saving your life.
You do not mess with bug guys.
I'm not messing with bug guys.
I just want a simple apology.
You don't understand.
They're not like us.
When you spend day after day breathing poison and snuffing out millions of tiny little lives, it changes you, man.
Okay.
You stay here where it's safe, little Timmy.
The grownups are gonna talk.
J Jack.
Jack? Hey, guys.
Hi, um, I'm Jack.
Uh, you probably don't realize this, but you just sprayed the back of my head with poison.
[Chuckles.]
Poison.
I know how it is when you're working.
You're on autopilot, you're in the zone, you don't really know what you're doing.
I once accidentally stapled a pigeon to a roof.
[Chuckles.]
The thing is, though, after I did that, I did apologize to the pigeon.
'Cause when you wrong someone you apologize.
Right? Great.
Super.
And thanks for not making this weird.
I really All right, I'll let you get back to your killing.
[Spray hissing.]
This is your year.
You are so taking first place in the art show.
They might as well engrave that cup right now.
Actually, it's not a cup.
It's a free car wash.
Listen, art isn't about winning.
It's my way of expressing myself, you know, free of judgment, except for the judges, of course.
Hello, Kenny.
[British accent .]
Look who it is Terry "second place" McCormick.
- Her middle name is Gladys! - Okay.
Of course it is.
Come to buy supplies so you can lose to me again at the art show? How's your job at the tire store? Oh, I don't blame you for being upset.
Six years in a row.
It's almost like losing to me is your art.
Hmm.
Stop talking in your fake British accent.
First of all, it is New England regional.
And, second, well [Chuckles.]
I don't know about second.
That's your department.
[Engine turns over.]
Arrivederc Aah, oh! Don't worry, mom.
You can take him.
He's not as tough as he looks.
I can't believe you walked away from those bug guys and lived.
I don't know what you were worried about.
You just have to know how to talk to people.
- Jack? - Yeah? Did you order your meatball sandwich with a tail? What are you talking abou rat sandwich! Rat sandwich! Ugh.
Bug guys, Jack.
You know, I think our relationship is improving.
A month ago, I'd have let you eat that.
Mom, have you been working all night? No, I've been creating all night.
Awesome.
It's a ghost! I love it! It rules.
Yeah? You really like it? This is gonna kick Kenny's ass.
Which is why I will call it "Kicking Kenny's ass"! Bug guys? What are you doing messing with bug guys, Jack? No, I wasn't.
I was just standing there, and they sprayed me with poison.
Ah, it won't kill you.
Might be shooting blanks for a while.
How can you be okay with this? Let me tell you a little story about bug guys, Jack.
When I started out in the business, I apprenticed with Bill "Giant hands" Cranston.
- Guy had giant hands.
- Yeah, I got that.
Giant hands comes back from an insulation job one day white as a ghost, his giant hands trembling.
I asked him what happened.
All he said was, "never mess With bug guys.
" That was good enough for me, Jack, and it should be good enough for you.
Well, it's not.
They need to be taught a lesson.
Oh, boy, here we go Mr.
Crusader.
These guys are nothing but bullies, and I never back down from bullies.
Remember junior high? Ran for class president on an anti-bullying platform.
Yeah, you got your butt kicked all week.
Yeah, well, the bully lobby is pretty powerful.
They vote with their fists.
Bug guys are not just bullies, Jack.
They're like forces of nature.
When a tornado shoves you into your locker, it doesn't get detention.
You die.
Oh, all right.
Well, obviously, I can't count on you, and your metaphor really needs some work.
[Sighs.]
Bug hunters.
Jack Shea Mr.
Jiffy Fix here.
No relation to Tony Shea! I want you to listen to me, and I want to listen to me real good.
I got a big problem with a couple of your so-called technicians.
Yes, I will hold.
You called the bug guys' supervisor? Yes, I did.
And he said, and I quote, "I'll look into it.
" [Applause.]
Hey, guys.
What's up? Thanks for standing up to those bug bastards.
Now, I wish I had your courage.
Hey, you know, we do what we do, so I'd follow you to the end of the earth, Jack.
Oh, geez.
[Chuckles.]
All: [Chanting.]
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! - Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! - Guys, guys.
Guys.
I don't consider myself a hero.
But you do, and I don't want to take that away from you.
So, as you were.
[Clatter.]
Ohh! What? [Sighs.]
What glue traps? [Sighs.]
Hey, guys! Uh, anybody? Um, it's Jack.
Remember Jack? From "Jack! Jack! Jack!" Guys? Hey, guys.
Hey, how's that art project going? - Awesome.
- Oh.
You know, the word "epic" is thrown around a lot, and who am I to judge the merits of my own work? Um, do you have pedestals? Stitch, imagine the greatest thing you've ever seen.
Now imagine something even better.
Oh.
Oh, you mean, like Kenny's thing? Ah, please.
[Chuckling.]
I don't care about Kenny's thing? What is Kenny's thing? Have you seen it? No one has.
All I know is that he has spent a buttload of money up in here.
What, like Beyonce butt or I've said too much.
- No, no.
- I have.
No.
Sounds to me like you need some covert ops.
What? All I'm saying is that if you need someone to spy on Kenny, I've got the time and the cat suit.
- Let's talk, son.
- Yeah.
[Drill whirring.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Hello, Terry's son.
What?! How did you know I was here?! I was totally ninja! I have a sixth sense and an old baby monitor.
I assume you've come to spy on my creation.
Maybe.
Yeah.
I have nothing to fear from your supremely untalented mother.
My mother is 10 times more talented than you are! - Oh, really? - Yeah.
[Twinkle!.]
I've seen the face of God.
Yes.
You have.
Aah! You happy now? I did what I had to do.
[Sighs.]
The workers of this town are terrified.
They are screaming out for a leader someone who will do what's right.
Yeah.
Oh, I forgot, you're doing "what's right.
" That makes all the difference.
It do-o-es! Yeah? Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, ConanO'Brien they all did what's right.
How did that work out for them? - I kind of like Conan's show, actually.
- It's crap! Anyway, look, we tried it your way.
- You didn't do anything.
- Whatever.
Now we're trying it my way.
Muffins? Trust me, Jack, nothing says "I'm sorry" like homemade pumpkin-cream-cheese muffins.
"Sorry"? What am I apologizing to them for being poisoned or the rat-trap Brazilian? Look, so far, we've been lucky.
They've only come after you.
If this keeps up, it could start to affect the business.
Now, be a man and lightly butter each cup.
Hey.
Did you find your pedestal? No, Mason did.
He put Kenny on it.
No, I didn't! No? 'Cause you said, to preserve the beauty you beheld, you're never gonna wash your eyeballs again.
Mom, that's a pretty common figure of speech.
Is it? Yeah.
Well, I have to start all over again.
Where do I find inspiration, Stitch? Aisle 4.
Look, if there is anything I have learned from working in a hardware store, it is this You can't force inspiration.
- Yes.
- You know, it comes when it comes.
Like, the plungers they used to just be lined up on a shelf.
And then, one day, it hit me.
Hello! Plunger tree.
[Laughs.]
[Sighing.]
Yeah.
I am wasting my life.
Mason: All right, let's get inspired.
Inspiring mom, inspiring mom inspiring mom, inspiring mom Taking it to the bridge! Inspiring mom, inspiring mom inspiring mom, inspiring mom inspiring mom Yeah, go for the paint! - Inspiring mom -[Click, feedback.]
Look, guys.
Obviously, mistakes were made Say it.
And things got a little bit out of control - Say it - and I'm sorry.
Here are some homemade muffins.
And coffee.
Kona, which I think is Hawaiian.
I'll just put it there.
Enjoy.
All right.
Kids.
[Chuckles.]
They're like the pests you can't control.
[Chuckles.]
Just to be clear, though, I was not the one that was out of control.
- Jack - No, no, no, we're good.
They got the muffins, and everything no, it's good.
Uh, just saying.
In a just world, the apology muffins would be flowing in the other direction.
[Echoing thud.]
[Spray hissing.]
Hey, look what I found.
Don't eat those.
Two of them are poisoned.
I like my odds.
Just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you? I don't even want to think about what they're gonna do to us now.
Oh, whatever they throw at me, I can take.
[Possum shrieking.]
No! Aah! Not the face, not the face, not the face, not the face! Ooh! Aah! [Gasping.]
[Shrieking continues.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Possums.
So many possums.
It was just horrible their little claws, and one put his paw in my mouth.
Check it out.
The pregnant one goes crazy when I do this.
I bet I could get her to honk the horn.
Got to get those things out of there before they start eating the seats.
So, you're not worried about me at all, just just the van? Well, the van didn't bring it on itself, Jack.
The van's been with me for 12 years, and it does what I say.
When I turn the wheel left, it goes left.
When I put on the brakes, it stops! Sorry I'm not a van, dad.
So am I.
You know what I think, though? I think you actually like seeing me get hurt.
Well, that's ridic Well, yeah, sometimes when it's funny.
Okay, you know, it's one thing when the workers abandon me, but you are my father.
You're supposed to have my back.
I got your back, Jack.
I'm trying to protect you from a tornado.
I don't need protection.
I need you to stand with me in the storm cellar.
- What? - I don't know.
It's your dumb metaphor.
The point is that you're supposed to be on my side.
I can't do that if you're acting like a moron.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
You know what? This moron's gonna take on the tornado with or without you.
But, Ja hey, Jack, come on! - [Horn honks.]
- Yes! [Possums chittering.]
That's my girl! I love you! [Fingers snapping.]
[Vacuum whirring.]
Mom, what are you doing? Shouldn't you be getting ready for the art show? Uh, you mean the Kenny Flemming show? I think I'll pass.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, okay? I wish I never said how much I loved Kenny's art.
No, no, you were right.
Kenny's amazing.
I just don't feel like going and losing to him this year.
But you always lose to him.
[Whirring stops.]
Yes, and you always say that I was robbed.
But not this year.
This year, you think I deserve to lose! Mom, you're the one who said that art isn't about winning.
It's about expressing yourself.
And that's why I love your art because it's who you are.
This is who you are this.
"Quack, quack, quack.
" [High-pitched voice.]
"Can't we go to the show, Terry?" [Both chuckle.]
Thanks, baby.
You know what? You you are right.
You're right.
I'm gonna go and lose that art show For you.
All right.
[Laughter.]
Hey, Stitch.
Hey, Tony.
What do you think? I have no strong opinions.
Have you seen Jack? He was supposed to be home like two hours ago.
Aww, Tony, that's sweet.
You're worried about your boy.
I'm not worried about him.
I just don't like being out of the loop.
Are you in the loop? Well, yeah.
He came in here about an hour ago, all fired up on energy drinks.
He bought a hacksaw, cursed you, and said something about setting the world right.
Great.
I don't know why he doesn't listen to me.
Well, did you ever think that maybe he's right about this? No.
So, why doesn't he listen to me? I don't know, Tony, but this is what he wants to do.
- Yeah, but it's stupid.
- But it's what he wants.
- Yeah, but it's stupid.
- But it's what he wants.
- Yeah, but it's - Tony! Fine.
Your tin man sucks.
What? [Sighs.]
[Groans.]
Hell's horses, Jack! What are you doing?! They take my dignity, I take their bug.
How many of those energy drinks have you had? I stopped counting at seven.
I think, seven.
Probably seven.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought you might be doing something crazy.
I'm doing what needs to be done.
Don't try to stop me.
Aww, dad you have my back.
What do you got there, carbon steel? That's gonna fracture, you mook.
You need a high-alloy.
Bug guys? Bug guys.
Go.
Dad, let's just drop the bug.
No retreat, no surrender! I'm pretty sure this is retreating.
Shut up and run! Uh oh.
Aw, this is it, dad.
Yeah, we really didn't think this through.
You guys want your bug? Go get it! Ha! [Tires screeching.]
[Glass shatters.]
Whoops.
I'm telling you, a giant bug smashed into my windshield.
No, I am not okay! It skewered my duck! [Both laughing.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
Tony? Jack? [Chuckles.]
What's going on? - Bug guys.
- [Laughing.]
Bug guys.
[Both laugh.]
What are you laughing at?! Look at my windshield! It's totally inspired! First prize goes to Terry mccormick for her piece "Kicking Kenny's ass.
" [Applause.]
Whoo! Yes! Yes! Eat it, Kenny! - Face! - Ha ha! - Good work, Aunt Terry.
- Thank you! How did you come up with this idea? You know, it just hit me.
- So proud of you, mom.
- Thank you, baby.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I don't care what the officials have to say.
There is no way that that is better than my suitcase full of light! Mason: [Echoing.]
So beautiful.
All right, French Open.
Whoa, if we gonna be on a clay court, I got to switch out of my sneakers.
Come on, Darren, you've been working on your little cartoon's outfit for like 30 minutes.
Yeah, you didn't spend any time on yours, and you got hot pants.
Those are classic McEnroes.
All right, someone needs to serve quick, 'cause Mason's about to have a stroke.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
All right, here we go.
I got it! I got it! [Thud.]
[Laughing.]
[Sighs.]
Hey.
Oh, I get it now.
It's funny when it happens to other people.