Farzar (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[announcer] Welcome to Adoraball,
the official pastime of Farzar.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
- the ball!
- [giggles]
- [cheering]
- Finally something pleasant for once.
[whistle blows]
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh! Uh
[screaming]
Ooh, bold move by Coach Nagy,
calling in a napalm strike this early.
Remember, folks,
he only gets one a quarter.
This is weird game. What are rules?
I have no idea.
Like every white sports fan, I'm just here
to get drunk and yell at minorities.
[yells]
It's pretty basic.
Each team has a lifter,
a grumpus, a power grumpus,
a zepler, a turkleton, and a point guard.
Now, first team to 14 blarney baskets wins
unless a Jakubowski flip-flop
has been pre-authorized
or the one-eyed gnome sees his shadow.
Yeah. You lost me at "it's."
These guys suck! I'm way better
at Adoraball than any of them.
Oh, bullshit! You never played Adoraball.
My dad and I used to play all the time
when I was a kid.
It seems a little violent for children.
In what possible way?
[cheering]
That was nice
to see you give that little boy head.
Oh, for the last time,
he was an 18-year-old dwarf.
Oh, you were talking to Fichael.
- Ah!
- [buzzer blares]
[announcer] You all know what that
buzzer means. Time to release the Wendigo!
[growls]
Oh my, tough break.
The Wendigo has eaten
all but seven players,
meaning the blue team
will have to forfeit.
Game's over? Oh no. I was looking forward
to three more hours of stupid shit.
Well, lucky you,
'cause "stupid shit" is my middle name.
Fear not, lovers of sport!
For I, brave Prince Fichael Stupid Shit,
decree that I shall join the blue team
so the game can continue.
Don't do it, Fichael!
You can't go out there.
Aw, you're scared I'll get hurt.
Fuck, no. I got five grand
on the blue team. Although
Hey, let me put five Gs on Fichael
getting his dick eaten by the Wendigo.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Okay, team, I've run this play
a thousand times with my dad
and I've never dropped the Adoraball once.
Let's go!
[cheering]
29, 94, 30, 19.
Put those years on my tombstone
when I die in about two seconds.
[screams]
I got it! I got it! I
[siren blaring]
At least I caught that ball.
Oh, you certainly did
not in any way catch that ball.
[announcer] Not only did Prince Fichael
lose the game
by not making the easiest catch ever,
but he handed victory to the Wendigo.
In accordance with Adoraball rules,
Czar Renzo must now
grant the Wendigo a wish,
which can only end badly for all of us.
Congrats, Fichael, on being the MVP.
Motherfucking Vile Peckerhead.
[stutters] I don't understand
how I dropped that pass.
I remember practicing for hours
with my dad.
[sweet dreamy music plays]
There's a simple explanation, Fichael.
That memory is fake.
Renzo asked me to implant it
into your head using a memory gun.
I don't understand. Why would he do that?
I'm guessing so he wouldn't
have to spend time with you.
I mean, you are a hall-of-fame MVP.
But I do apologize, Fichael,
and I promise
that's the only unethical thing I've done.
- Visiting hours are over.
- Thanks, fat Scootie.
Wait a minute, did that fat, white dude
just have my old head for a head?!
Hmm. Yes, funny story.
After your head got cut off,
I was able to flip it
for a little scratch on the black market.
Just like I did
with all your other human parts.
Barry, that's fucked up!
Not as fucked up as using science
to change a child's memory.
I am not going to say it again.
He was an 18-year-old dwarf!
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
Dearest, tonight, I was thinking
we could try something different,
making love with the lights on.
Okay, let me put on some protection.
No blindfolds!
How about eclipse glasses?
No! I want you to gaze
upon my lustful flesh.
[trilling]
- [grunts]
- Ah!
I looked directly at it.
[groans] You're as mushy
as a microwaved french fry.
Are you still stressed
about your war with Bazarack?
Yeah. Bazarack's the reason
my pecker's playing possum.
Not because your body
looks like an overused candle.
I will not stand for this.
I will write Bazarack a letter.
It's high time I gave that alien
a piece of my mind.
Uh, Flammy, we have pens.
What do you mean? This is a pen.
Uh, Shady Acreon, get the room ready.
We have reached dementia level titty pen.
Dad, we need to What the heck?
See what you've got me into, Fichael?
I've been granting Wendigo wishes
all goddamn day.
[growls]
Excuse me.
Wendigo wants me to Boot Scoot Boogie.
[country music plays]
I thought the Wendigo
is only entitled to one wish.
I told him that.
I also told him there was a rule that
he couldn't wish for unlimited wishes.
So this clever motherfucker
wished for ten billion wishes.
Why couldn't you catch that damn ball?
I shouldn't have even been on that field!
Why would you give me a fake memory?
We had so many actual great times together
when I was growing up.
Like the time
you taught me how to ride a bike.
Attaboy, Fichael. Keep pedaling.
You're doing it.
You're the best son a bicycle could have.
Wait, why does that memory end
with a production card?
Oh my God. Did you fake that one too?
Do you know how many times I got beat up
for telling kids
my dad could turn into a flying bicycle?
None. I put those memories in too,
to build character.
Are any of my memories real?
What about that time I almost drowned?
Hold on, son, I'll save you.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, son.
Almost as much as I love the dual zone
climate control on the new Lexus RX.
Yeah, I'm pretty fucking great.
Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer.
You sold ad space in my memory?
Is that why I'm currently paying leases
on 32 Lexuses?
And because it's got
smart park technology.
[growls]
Great. Now the goddamn Wendigo
wants a Lexus.
Or a hand job.
I'm not fucking fluent in Wendigo.
[beeping]
Ah, at last,
time for my afternoon delight.
Checking out Mommy's bubbly beave.
Hey, Barry.
What is this? Where's Mother?
She's never been out of the shower!
Well, she's not getting back in the shower
unless you help me
get my human parts back.
Fine. I'll do it.
Just get Mother back in the shower
before she dries out.
Don't worry. She's fine.
I sold your legs to that guy. He said
they'd make him better at basketball.
Hey. Why did you assume my legs
would make you better at basketball?
Uh, because I was born without legs.
Oh. Oh, sorry. I just can't stand it
when people reinforce racial stereotypes.
Now give me them legs
before I bust a cap in your ass.
And there's your heart.
Doctor, that's a
Don't say anything.
I want to get out of here by six.
- So, uh, who'd you sell my ass to?
- That guy.
Ooh, all the ladies love
Donnie Double Ass.
Ooh, I'm living the two-ass dream.
One for shits and one for giggles.
Ooh, now who wants
to hear me fart in stereo?
Ah! Me! I wanna hear that shit!
Honey, you remember Barry Barris.
He's the kind man
who sold us the new arm for our son.
[babbling]
You're one fucked-up dude, Barry.
We better get that off before that baby
starts teething and I end up in prison.
When I pull this lever,
your consciousness will be transferred
back into your human self.
Ooh, I can't wait to be human again!
Ha ha! I'm back! It worked!
Nah! No, it didn't. I'm still here!
Oopsie. Looks like I hit copy paste
instead of cut paste,
which means that your consciousness
now exists in both bodies.
Wow. This raises
some major philosophical questions
about the nature of existence.
- Well, good luck with that shit.
- Hey, you can't leave us like this!
Hey, I did my best.
If you don't like it,
you can kiss my asses.
[ominous music plays]
Master, we could easily
take the human city
now that I've invented this.
It's a tetracarbon suit
that allows the wearer to literally walk
through the dome's protective barrier.
Oh. May I see that, please?
Your plan sucks wet shit!
You know, maybe if you brought me an idea
as good as my idea for the idea furnace,
all of your ideas wouldn't have to go
into the goddamn idea furnace!
[grunting]
Drop it. You drop that mail, Gorpzorp.
Goddamn it, stop eating the mail!
Bad scientist!
"Dear Bazarack, it's me, Flammy the Queen,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
"I command you to leave my husband alone."
"It's taking a horrible toll
on our love life."
Sir, there's dissent
within the royal bedroom.
Renzo is distracted.
We can seize power by simply
Writing the queen a love letter,
courting her,
blowing her back out,
marrying her, and becoming czar!
[laughs]
Now, who knows pretty words?
"Dearest Flammy, your beauty staggers me."
"I lie awake in this violet hour,
tossing and turning,
longing for your tender touch."
Holy fucking shit. How'd you think of that
with your dumb dog brain?
Somebody get
this little fucker a Snausage.
This letter is almost perfect.
It just needs one more little thing.
Yeah, all right.
Ah. The hard part's getting it centered.
Mm-hmm.
A Polaroid of your anus?
Gots to show her what's on the menu.
Then Steve was Black and Denzel was white
for the whole episode.
[laughing]
Oh, shit, that show sounds terrible.
What are you doing here?
This is my work.
This is my work. I'm Scootie.
I'm Scootie!
Seems there's only one way to settle this.
Dance competition!
[dance music playing]
I think we have to give the robot dance
to human Scootie.
How can I not win that?
I'm literally a fucking robot!
[scoffs] Exactly. He was dancing.
You were just moving.
Guys, come on.
There's no reason that the S.H.A.T. Squad
can't have two Scooties
and all do stuff together as a group.
Cool by me.
And I've got just the perfect thing.
Water park!
Oh! This is awesome!
That handsome motherfucker
knows if I get wet, I'll die.
Looks like this planet
ain't big enough for two Scooties.
And I'm gonna have to kill
myself.
[suspenseful chord plays]
Uh, your kid's not tall enough
for the slide.
He's not a kid!
He's an 18-year-old dwarf
who I perform oral sex on.
What's wrong with you people?
This came for you, Prince Fichael.
Now I've got my own memory gun.
Gonna teach my dad a lesson
for messing with my head, man!
My Pantene!
Oh, I've loved this stuff ever since
So you're Fichael's prom date.
Tell me a little about yourself.
Pantene, for hair so healthy it shines.
I like her, Fichael.
Now I know her bottle says two-in-one,
but maybe she'll let you put one in two.
Uh, what does that mean, Dad?
- Don't overthink it.
- I'm just trying to think it.
This came for you, Your Majesty.
Oh, my. A love letter!
Plus a Polaroid
of his straight-up asshole!
[gasps] How romantic.
But what should I do?
I still love Renzo.
When is the last time
Renzo wrote you a love letter?
Or sent you a pic of his asshole?
Good point, Fork. What should I do?
It's time to cheat, cheat, cheat
On your limp dick spouse ♪
It's time to get to smashing
Flames of passion have been doused ♪
Who are you? You're the queen! ♪
Every man should munch your bean ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
Whoa, Mom, what are you doing?
Wait a minute.
Did you take your brain pills today?
These eggs told me not to.
Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.
How many times do I have to tell you eggs?
Stop giving my mother medical advice!
- Let me guess. Another Wendigo wish?
- Nah, we're just hanging out.
- What do you want?
- Mm. Payback.
I had a feeling this day would come.
Let's do this.
[showdown music plays]
Remember, your waiter said,
"Enjoy your meal." You said, "You too!"
No! That was so embarrassing.
He wasn't even eating.
Remember last week
when your dick fell off?
Ah! My cock is gone!
Oh, it grew back.
Remember when you sneezed at Home Depot,
a booger came out and you ate it
and the head
of the paint department saw you?
Remember that you're a
[stutters]
Shit. A stapler!
Dad, are you okay?
I'm not your dad. I'm Cachunkachunk.
That's my name, and the sound I make,
'cause I'm a goddamn stapler.
[ominous music plays]
Curse you, you vomitus slut!
[grunting]
No, not the devil's mist!
Oh, what's this?
Hmm.
Flammy liked my letter
and poop chute Polaroid
and she's coming here!
Sir, I worry that this is a trap.
Oh, shut up.
I'm the expert on women here.
Real quick, how do humans have sex?
[sighs] The same way that aliens have sex.
Right.
Real quick, how do aliens have sex?
[sighs]
Well, don't do it in front of me!
That wasn't sex, sir.
So this is her vagina.
Mm-hmm.
And that goes up my butt?
Who's the bag of stale bagels?
That's Queen Flammy, sir.
Bagels because you're hot,
and you smell like onions,
and you're covered with little seeds.
I don't know.
Is there some place we can be alone?
Sir, perhaps you would prefer
to stay in my sight, for safety?
Ew!
Clitaris, you nasty perv.
How am I supposed to bump fuglies with you
in the corner pulling on your wing-wang?
Let's get out of here
before he starts flinging his goop at us.
[romantic jazz playing]
[moaning]
Oh. [chuckles]
I'm having some trouble
unhooking your bra.
Oh, I'm not wearing a bra.
Those are skin tags.
I think I'm [gags]
I think it's time I took my teeth out,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, is that a sex thing? Great.
Yeah, let's lose the chompers.
Ow!
Ooh. Seventeen magazine was right.
Sex does hurt the first time.
Ah. Beautiful night, huh?
Fuck off, Clitaris.
Can't you see I'm having sex?
[moaning]
My, my, my, isn't that a beefy cock?
What the fuck?
- Your balls look like Clitaris?
- Maybe I should leave you two alone.
Will you stay away from us?
I'm trying to find out what happens
when she takes her teeth out.
Do they go up my butt
like her vagina does?
Barry, you gotta help me.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Staple, staple, staple.
What the fuck are you doing here,
you son of a bitch?
All I do is create.
All you do is destroy.
I think I scrambled his brain
with a memory gun
and now he thinks he's a stapler.
I got it. I shrink you down
to the size of a microbe,
then beam you into your father's brain,
where you eradicate
all his memories of being a stapler.
Have you done this before?
Only with chipmunks.
- Did it work?
- I think so.
They still live inside my head
and tell me what to say.
- Why would you say that?
- [alarm blares]
- I don't know. I panicked.
- Act normal! Act normal!
Fichael, I love you. Be my grandpa.
We can marry a pig and lick a fence post.
Anyway, when I pull this lever, you'll be
transported into your father's brain.
Because of science
or some fucking bullshit,
you'll have five minutes
to eradicate Renzo's stapler memories
and get out
before you return to normal size.
Got it? Good.
- Who are you?
- Uh [clears throat]
Uh, memory inspector.
Yes, of course.
Let me show you some of my memories.
Here's the happiest day of my life.
Pick me! Pick me!
Well, you never seemed
this happy as my dad.
Maybe you were meant to be
Cachunkachunk the Stapler.
What's that over there?
I only want the best childhood for Fichael
and I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm scared to death
because I don't know how to be a good dad.
I think I have the perfect solution.
I'm not gonna kill him!
Okay, misread the room.
How about a memory gun?
Yes. I'm going to work day and night
to write the perfect childhood for my son.
I'm sorry, Cachunkachunk,
but you gotta go. I want my real dad back.
Fuck you! I like being a stapler. Cachunk!
Ah!
Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!
Oh, shit, I'm jammed.
No, stop it! Staplers don't bend that far.
My tiny springs will pop!
[automated voice]
Five seconds until enlargement.
The first warning is five seconds?
My goodness, that was close.
But I do believe it worked.
Where's my boot?
I think I found it, you goddamn MVP.
Die, me!
[New Scootie]
I knew you were gonna do that.
- Ah!
- I knew you were gonna do that.
I knew you knew I was gonna do that.
Well, I knew you knew I knew
You know what? Can we just fight
to the death without narrating this shit?
Fine, whatever.
I knew you were gonna say that.
[suspenseful music plays]
Just give up. You're not the real Scootie.
Your consciousness was uploaded.
You're just a copy.
You're not the real Scootie either.
Your consciousness was uploaded too,
years ago.
So if neither of us is the real Scootie,
where is the real Scootie?
[screaming]
So if I'm not real, what am I?
Do I even have a soul?
Should I even exist?
If I'm dead, I shouldn't even be here.
[whimpers] Goodbye, cruel world.
You didn't see that shit coming, did you?
[laughs]
Real Scootie, if you up there,
I'll see you one day.
Man, hell sucks. They gave me two asses,
but they're both for giggles.
I can't shit.
I never wanted to hurt you, son.
I just didn't want to screw up.
I don't care about you screwing up, Dad.
I just care that we're making
wonderful, real memories together.
Oh boy, son. Reel it in.
Easy. Whoa.
Look like you caught yourself
a seven-seater.
This is the best real,
definitely-not-fake day I've ever had.
Oh, how did I get so lucky
to have a dad like you?
I don't know, Fichael.
Maybe you're born with it.
And maybe it's Maybelline.
Oh, I'm so glad we're finally alone.
[chuckles]
Yeah. Me too.
Now, let's get to knocking them boots.
- [Clitaris grunts]
- No, enough. Get out of here!
[stutters] But, sir
No buts!
The only butts here
are the ones me
and that petrified piece of pigeon pie
are gonna be mashing together.
'Cause that's a thing in sex, right?
Butt mashing? Anyhow, fucking beat it!
[moaning]
And there go the teeth!
Finally, I get to see what happens next.
Oh my God, is that a dildo?
No, you moron.
I didn't come here to have sex with you.
I came here to kill you,
so I could finally have sex
with my husband again.
Wait, what?
[gun whirs]
Master, no!
Seize her!
Thanks for the butthole pic, sucker!
Sir, I'm not going to make it.
My dying wish
is for you to unite the alien clans
and reclaim our glorious planet
once and for all.
I'll do it. I'll kill every last one
of those disgusting humans.
I swear here and now
that I will avenge you, Guitar Piss.
Did you just call me "Guitar Piss"?
Uh, that's your name, right?
[groans]
That Wait a minute, that's
That's his name, right?
Guitar Piss?
Don't say anything.
I want to get out of here by six.
[adventurous music playing]